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Parenting in the Rain, Episode 15
Tips for Successful Co-Parenting (even in high conflict situations)
In This Episode: (this information is also available on the free download)
Lorrie Brook provides some tips regarding Communication & Respect for parents struggling with co-parenting in separation and divorce situations in their families.
Communication
It is important that despite living in 2 separate households you both maintain an open line of communication within the family.
If you aren’t sure if it is something worth telling ask yourself this:
Use this question as your guide –“If this happened in the other parent’s household would I want to know?” If the answer is yes – let them know.
When you are communicating with the other types remember these tips: 1. Be polite 2. Be concise 3. Don’t exaggerate, embellish or understate what happened. Tell it as it is.
Respect
While co-parents are no longer in a romantic relationship with each other, they are in a co-parenting relationship and as such respect plays a big role.
Here are some tips:
1. Be polite
2. Use your manners (please and thank you go a long way!)
3. Don’t talk badly about the other parent in front of the children
4. Don’t allow others to talk badly about the other parent in front of the children
5. If your children mention the other parent to you – don’t roll your eyes or the like.
6. If your children start to be rude or disrespect the other parent, correct them and talk to them about it.
You can read the full show notes at www.jackieflynnconsulting.com/episode16
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Parenting in the Rain, Episode 6
Parenting Through the Pain of Divorce with Jared Defife, Ph.D.
In This Episode:
The guest expert, Dr. Jared DeFife helps people share their life stories to find meaning, connection and understanding. Jared is the host of the amazing podcast, The School of Psych on iTunes and www.schoolofpsych.comParents often wonder how they can help their child when they are hurting themselves.Blame mode can leave people feeling exhausted without access to experience the change they desire.Sometimes parents choose to seek out their own therapy through a divorce to help themselves, as well as help them to parent through the painful times that divorce can sometimes bring.The divorce process can be a time that people can use to explore areas that they can change about themselves.The time right before and after divorce can be sometimes the most painful.Focusing on personal change is a focus worthy of time.When people are feeling emotional pain, they will sometimes do things and act in ways that are not typical of their character. It is important for parents to get the support that they need during a divorce to help them best be able to cope and parent in a healthy way.Bashing and blaming the other parent to the child could be confusing and painful for the child.Demeaning, trash talking, and bashing the other parent can be destructive.Children may be feeling a variety of feelings during a divorce: positive and negative.How parents handle the divorce is a huge factor of how the child responds and their capacity to heal. Sometimes children feel like a divorce was their fault. Letting them know that children can’t make divorces happen and the can’t make it not happen. It is a choice between the adults.Helping kids cope through the divorce is a focus worthy of time for the parent and the child.Divorce can put strains and stresses on a family, but it doesn’t have to be high conflict.Jared mentioned the 3 Elements (Stages) of the Divorce Process1. Making the Decision
2. The Divorce Process
3. Afterwards
After a divorce, parents still need to remain together as co-parents by working together to figure out a way to solve problems and work together as co-parents of their child(ren).There are challenges and opportunities around each stage of the divorce process.People can use their divorce experience as a “call to rise to the challenge of working together amicably”.Discernment counseling can help people when one member of the couple isn’t agreeing with the other couple in regards to pursue a divorce or not. A place of indecision for too long can be painful and destructive to the relationship.Discernment counseling can help people attain clarity and confidence about the decision of divorce in a healthy timeframe.The decision of divorce should be surrounded by a deeper focus on values and commitments.Sometimes there are deep levels of conflict in relationships that may be unbridgeable such as abuse, addiction, infidelity, etc...The dissolution of a marriage doesn’t have to high conflict. Working together to figure out a solid co-parenting plan can help everyone involved get through the process.Sometimes people seek out professional support as co-parents after divorce to help with areas such as scheduling, logistics, etc.It’s important to know that it may be necessary to seek out appropriate professionals to help with the divorce process to ensure that specialized support in specific areas such as legal, financial, parenting, etc is available.During a divorce, children often look up to their parents to see how to handle conflict in relationships and how to handle responsibility (Should I try to change myself or point a finger to blame others?)The reflection and grief process after the divorce is important. Sometimes, people skip that piece which puts them at greater risk for similar issues in the new relationship. -
Build Love Maps
Knowing each other’s world is so vital to the health of a relationship. It’s important to make exploration of each other’s world an ongoing effort. This can help strengthen the relationship and help each person in the relationship to feel felt and cared about.
Share Fondness and Admiration
Fondness and admiration is noticing what’s going right and what’s good rather than putting a focus on the negative. If couples are in “Negative Sentiment Override” as Gottman calls them.
Turn Towards
Turning towards your partner, both literally and figuratively is important as it sends a message that “you matter”, “I care”, “you’re important to me”. Gottman uses the metaphor of a RELATIONSHIP BANK ACCOUNT to illustrate the need for 5 times as many positives to every one negative in a relationship. Turning towards and accepting “bids for connection”, such as holding hands, inviting on an outing, snuggling, etc. is important to build the relationship bank account up so that when there are negatives, it doesn’t go into a negative balance.
The Positive Perspective
The positive perspective focuses on friendships. When couples engage in a strong friendship, then they can weather the storms better. They have a stronger tolerance for difficult circumstances.
Manage Conflict
Sixty nine percent of the conflict in a relationship is perpetual, which means it doesn’t have a clear resolution. Often couples need to move towards compromising on issues. It’s important that couples learn how to use soft startup and avoid the 4 patterns of communications that can eat away at a relationship: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, Stonewalling. Gottman refers to these as the 4 Horsemen.
Make Life Dreams Come True
Having fun, adventures and dreams together, as well as honoring each other’s dreams is so vital towards the health of a relationship. Couples that laugh and have fun together often have a much healthier relationship.
Create Shared Meaning
Together, couples build a shared culture that incorporates what each of them knew to be true in their formative years, as well as new things that they do together in their own relationship and their own family. Also, what legacy they want to leave in the world together is explored.
Trust and Commitment
Trust & Commitment are the walls of the sound relationship house. If these walls are weakened in any way, the entire house could be at risk from falling. Through repair work, couples can repair ruptures and move towards healed trust and commitment that can weather the storms of a relationship.
https://playtherapycommunity.simplero.com/page/73863-free-download-tips-for-supporting-grieving-children
https://www.facebook.com/PLAYTHERAPYCOMMUNITY/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/parentingintherain/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/1130971706932394/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/schoolcounselors/
https://www.facebook.com/counselinginbrevard/
www.counselinginbrevard.com
www.playtherapycommunity.com
www.parentingintherain.com
www.jackieflynnconsulting.com
https://twitter.com/jackieflynnrpt
