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Many mothers go to the doctor because they feel exhausted, overwhelmed, and they aren’t sleeping - and leave with a depression diagnosis and a prescription. The message is: your brain isn't working right, and medication will help you cope. But what if the problem isn't your brain at all? In this episode, I talk with journalist Bob Whitaker, who has spent decades investigating psychiatric treatment in the U.S. We look at how women's distress has been medicalized instead of taken seriously as a response to impossible circumstances. We look at how antidepressants work, which is quite different from what the drug companies have been telling us for years. He also shares the results of a New Zealand study on postpartum depression that should have changed how we support new mothers - but didn't. Questions this episode will answerIs it burnout or depression? Burnout and depression share a lot of the same symptoms - exhaustion, low mood, difficulty functioning - but they have different roots. Burnout is a response to sustained, unmanageable circumstances. Depression, as it's currently diagnosed and treated, is framed as a brain malfunction. This episode looks at why this difference matters, and why so many mothers get a depression diagnosis when they’re experiencing burnout. Why are mothers more likely to be diagnosed with depression? Mothers in the US are frequently carrying an unequal share of household work, childcare, and mental load - often while also working full time - with little support. When that situation becomes unsustainable, the distress it causes is then treated as an individual brain problem rather than a response to a broken system. What prevents postpartum depression? A study out of New Zealand found that consistent, practical support - help with the actual work of running a household - significantly reduced postpartum depression. But even though the findings were significant, more support has not become the standard of care. Should I take antidepressants? Antidepressants may reduce symptoms for some people, but research shows they are far less effective than we've been told - and for mothers whose distress is rooted in unsustainable circumstances, medication addresses the symptom rather than the source. If antidepressants are helping you, that's OK (and do keep taking them!). But antidepressants should be used to help create space for other interventions to work, rather than used long-term. How does society affect women's mental health? When we treat women's distress as a potentially life-long medical problem rather than a signal about unsustainable circumstances, we direct attention away from the structural changes that would actually help. This episode traces how that pattern developed - and what a different approach might look like. What you'll learn in this episodeWhy the mental load of motherhood is a structural problem, not a brain problem that medication should fixHow psychiatry functions as social control when it diagnoses individuals instead of the broken systems they're living inWhat the New Zealand postpartum depression study found - and why its results were largely ignoredHow drug advertising has shaped what we believe about women's distress - from Valium in the 1960s to antidepressants todayHow to shift from asking "what's wrong with my brain" to "what would actually need to change in my situation"
If you want to learn more about Bob's work and the research on depression and antidepressants, go to https://madinamerica.com/. Want to go deeper?The full one-hour conversation with Bob is available to Parenting Membership members. In it, Bob traces exactly how depression came to be understood as a chemical imbalance - not because research proved it, but because psychiatry in the U.S. wanted to rebrand itself as a legitimate medical discipline in the 1980s. He walks us through how pharmaceutical companies funneled money to academic psychiatrists to become "thought leaders," how Prozac was marketed as making people "feel better than well," and how the industry captured the entire profession so thoroughly that by 1998, the New England Journal of Medicine couldn't find a single academic expert on depression in the US who wasn't taking money from pharmaceutical companies. We went deep on the STAR*D trial - the largest antidepressant study ever conducted. The public was told 70% of patients got better. The actual stay-well rate at one year, once a researcher used a Freedom of Information request to get the raw data: 3%. Bob walks through exactly how that number was inflated - the protocol violations, the patients who were already in remission when they enrolled, the switched measurement scales - and why he calls it a straight-out public betrayal. The whole episode is available to you in your private podcast feed immediately after joining the Parenting Membership. Inside the membership, you'll find research-based modules on the specific challenges that make family life hard - from navigating parenting as a team to raising siblings who get along. Monthly group coaching calls give you a chance to talk through your specific situation directly with me. And you'll find a community of parents who share your values and are working through parenting challenges together, and with my support. If you've been told the problem is your brain, and something in this episode made you wonder whether that's the whole story - the membership is where you get help to figure out what’s right for you and your family. Click the banner to learn more Jump to highlights:01:50 Introduction to today’s episode and guest05:04 Just remember what the disease model does. It focuses on the problems in the head of the individual, not in the social way we arrange our society.06:25 From hysteria and electroshock therapy (mostly given to women) in the 1800s, to marketing benzodiazepines to wives in the 1960s, the pattern of pathologizing women's distress has been consistent.08:32 When benzodiazepines were recognized as addictive in the late 1970s, psychiatry reframed anxiety as a type of depression and switched women to antidepressants, another numbing drug that keeps women quiet and functioning in an impossible situation.13:31 In the New Zealand study, it says that when women got daily help with housework for six months, postpartum depression was prevented. Yet this support became standard care nowhere, because the system still believes the problem is in people's brains, not in their circumstances.14:17 Wrapping up today's topic -
If you listened to our first episode on ADHD, you already know that the story most parents get about the diagnosis has some significant gaps - in the diagnostic criteria, in the research funding, and in the case for lifelong stimulant medication. This episode goes deeper on the topic of medication for kids. Most parents medicating their child with ADHD in the U.S. are doing it because they want their child to learn and succeed in school (social concerns are seen as more important to parents in the U.K.). But the largest ADHD treatment study ever conducted followed 538 children for six to eight years - and found no difference in academic achievement, grades, or test scores between kids who stayed on medication and kids who didn't. There were no significant differences even after the medicated group increased their average daily dose by 41%. Medication changes kids’ behavior, but it doesn't improve learning. And once you understand what the research shows really helps kids with ADHD in the classroom - and why most kids stop taking medication within a few years - the conversation about treatment may look very different. Questions this episode will answerDoes ADHD medication help with school? The largest and most comprehensive study of ADHD treatment ever conducted followed children for six to eight years. At the six and eight year follow-ups, children who stayed on medication did no better academically than children who weren't taking medication - even though the medicated group had increased their average daily dose by 41%. What can I use instead of ADHD medication? Research shows that small group instruction and differentiated teaching strategies produce real learning gains for kids with ADHD - gains that medication alone doesn't deliver. In a controlled study, kids learned vocabulary, social studies, and science through good teaching. Medication didn't add any learning benefit on top of that. Do ADHD medications affect learning in the long-term? A crossover study gave children actual curriculum units while on medication and while on a placebo. Medication had large effects on behavior - kids completed more work and broke fewer rules. But when researchers tested whether kids actually learned the material, there was no difference. The effect on learning disappeared as soon as the medication wore off. Can ADHD ever go away? Long-term research shows that almost two-thirds of people diagnosed with ADHD in childhood move in and out of the diagnostic category over time - meaning they meet criteria at some points in their lives and don't at others. That raises serious questions about whether ADHD is the chronic, fixed brain disorder the medical model describes. Is ADHD a lifelong condition? The medical model compares ADHD to diabetes - a chronic condition requiring lifelong treatment. But the same researcher who makes that comparison also presents data showing that symptoms fluctuate significantly over time for the majority of people diagnosed. Those two claims don't hold together. Why do most kids stop taking ADHD medication? A meta-analysis found that by five years after starting medication, only 20% of kids are still taking it. Kids aren't stopping because their ADHD went away. Research interviews show they're stopping because of side effects, because the medication makes them not themselves, or because they don't see it helping them in ways that matter to them. What you'll learn in this episodeWhat the MTA study - the largest ADHD treatment study ever conducted - found when it followed children for six to eight years, and why the results don't support what most parents have been told about long-term medication useWhat kids themselves say about being on stimulant medication - in their own words, from research interviews - and why the majority stop taking it within a few yearsWhat evidence-based classroom approaches actually helped kids with ADHD learn in a controlled study - and why those findings matter more than most parents have been toldWhy almost two-thirds of people diagnosed with ADHD in childhood move in and out of the diagnostic category - and how that contradicts about the medical model's central claimThe gap between what children report about their own ADHD symptoms and what their parents report, and what that tells us about whose perspective the diagnostic process was built aroundWhy the diagnostic process excludes children under 16 from both the interview and the feedback session - and what that means for whose experience is considered during diagnosisWhy medication improves short-term compliance but doesn't translate to better learning - and what the difference between a performance effect and a learning effect means for your child
Click Here To Download The Infographic: Your Child Has ADHD - Here's What Actually Helps Jump to highlights:02:37 Jen recaps what Episode 264 covered and maps out what this episode will cover.06:11 Barkley's own Milwaukee study shows most people move in and out of the diagnostic category, yet he concludes that over 90% have high symptom levels throughout their lives. Both cannot be true.09:49 The diagnostic interview process itself: Barkley's own handbook frames the problem as how the child's behavior affects the parent, not how the child experiences their own life.17:22 The Pelham study: Each child learned some units while on medication and other units while on a placebo. But when researchers tested whether kids actually learned the material, there was no difference at all. The medication changed behavior. It did not help kids learn.25:50 Wrapping up today’s episode27:00 Preview of the next episode: Researcher Andrew Ivan Brown's concept of "misrecognition" - which he argues is the biggest harm people with ADHD actually face. -
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Most parents have heard that play is how children learn. But in a world full of educational toys (even for babies, preschoolers, and kindergarteners!), enrichment classes, structured activities, and apps designed to make babies smarter, making time for play is harder than it sounds. The pressure to get kids ahead earlier keeps building - and the research that's supposed to reassure us often gets buried under the noise. Dr. Kathy Hirsh-Pasek has spent more than 20 years studying how children learn. She's a psychology professor at Temple University, a Senior Fellow at the Brookings Institution, and co-author of Einstein Never Used Flash Cards - just updated for the age of smartphones, tablets, and AI. In this conversation, she makes the case that the characteristics that make play so engaging for kids are the exact same characteristics that produce the deepest learning. And she explains why the push to start earlier and do more may be working directly against what parents say they want for their kids. Questions this episode will answerDid Einstein use flashcards? Of course not! The point of Einstein Never Used Flash Cards is that you don’t need to provide direct instruction to young kids for them to be smart and successful. The skills that lead to real achievement - problem-solving, collaboration, creative thinking - are built through active, hands-on, joyful learning, not memorization drills. What is playful learning? Playful learning is not the same as free play. It combines a clear learning goal with an approach that is active, engaging, meaningful, socially interactive, and joyful. Dr. Hirsh-Pasek walks through what this looks like in real classrooms - and in your own kitchen. What is an example of a play-based learning activity? A kindergarten class learning about weather by using droppers and water to measure precipitation, then comparing and averaging their results. Another group acting as a live weather broadcast - a five-year-old using the words "high front" and "precipitation" without ever sitting through a lecture. The episode includes several more examples parents can use at home right now. What's the difference between free play and structured play? Dr. Hirsh-Pasek describes a continuum: free play on one end, direct instruction on the other, and guided play in the middle. Each has a role. The problem is that direct instruction currently dominates, even though children learn far less from it than from active, social, and meaningful experiences. How do kindergarteners learn best? Through play-based learning that is active rather than passive, engaging rather than distracting, meaningful, socially interactive, and joyful. It’s not just that play is fun (even though it is); these are the conditions the brain is built to learn in. Dr. Hirsh-Pasek explains the science and shows what it looks like in practice. Do enrichment classes for preschoolers actually help? The research says starting earlier is not better for kids. Kids who are pushed into structured learning young are not more likely to be strong readers or high performers later. The episode explains what the data actually shows - and what parents can do instead that costs nothing. Why is play important in early childhood learning? Because the characteristics of play - active, engaged, meaningful, social, joyful - are the same conditions under which human brains learn best at any age. Dr. Hirsh-Pasek explains why stripping play out of early childhood doesn't accelerate learning. It undermines it. What you'll learn in this episodeThe six characteristics of playful learning and why each one connects to how the brain actually builds knowledgeThe difference between free play, guided play, and direct instruction - and when each one serves kids bestConcrete play-based learning examples from everyday life at home: the kitchen, the laundry room, the backyardWhy the research on high performers shows that early specialization and intensive enrichment rarely produces the outcomes parents are hoping forWhat the arrival of AI means for the skills kids actually need to develop - and why those skills come from play, not flashcardsWhy downtime is not wasted time, and what it does for the developing brainThe questions Jen asked Dr. Hirsh-Pasek at the end of the conversation - about who research serves and what it leaves out - that don't usually get asked in interviews like this one
Dr. Kathy Hirsh-Pasek’s website: https://kathyhirshpasek.com/ Dr. Kathy Hirsh-Pasek’s instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drkathyanddrro Einstein Never Used Flash Cards: https://amzn.to/4dubLe0 (Affiliate link) Want more research-backed tools for the hard parenting moments?The free Your Parenting Mojo resource library is now open. Guides, tools, and research-backed ideas - all in one place, no payment required, and get instant access. Click the banner to learn more Jump to highlights:02:10 Jen introduces Dr. Hirsh-Pasek and the updated edition of Einstein Never Used Flashcards, written for the age of smartphones, tablets, and AI.04:13 Why the book was fully rewritten and what parents will find in it.08:17 What's happening in schools and why decades of "get the scores up" efforts haven't worked.09:25 The six characteristics of learning that support: active, engaging, meaningful, socially interactive, multi-modal, and joyful. Dr. Hirsh-Pasek describes what this looks like in a real kindergarten classroom studying weather.14:02 How playful learning shows up at home - in the kitchen (measuring, counting, estimating), the laundry room (sorting, classifying, folding), and on a trip to Sydney, where two kids spent two hours drawing the Opera House.17:06 The gap between what parents say they want (happy kids) and how they're actually spending time and money. Dr. Hirsh-Pasek connects downtime and unstructured exploration to the brain's default mode network - the part that builds creativity.20:24 Research on people who reached the highest levels of performance in sport and the arts: they didn't specialize early. They meandered and explored.20:45 Jen asks Dr. Hirsh-Pasek about the relationship between research and culture - how research doesn't just reflect ideas about childhood, it shapes them.24:11 A look back at Becoming Brilliant and the six C's: Collaborate, Communicate, Content, Critical Thinking, Creative Innovation, and Confidence to try, fail, and keep going. Why do these matter more than ever in an AI world?26:11 Where to find Dr. Hirsh-Pasek and her work.26:53 Jen's closing thoughts - including a note that some content in the book raised questions she couldn't fully explore in this conversation, and an open invitation to join Parenting Membership. -
If your child has been diagnosed with ADHD, stimulant medication is probably the first thing their doctor mentioned. And if you're trying to figure out whether it's the right choice for your family, you deserve more than a pamphlet published by a drug company. You deserve the full picture - including what the research really shows, who funded it, and the questions the medical model of ADHD hasn't answered. The story most parents get is a tidy one: ADHD is a chronic brain disorder, it's highly heritable, and stimulant medication is the most effective treatment. That story comes mostly from one very influential researcher, Dr. Russell Barkley, and it has shaped how millions of families make medication decisions. But when you look closely, cracks start to appear - in the diagnostic criteria, in the science, and in the financial ties between the researchers who built the medical model and the pharmaceutical companies that profit from it. Questions this episode will answerWhat are the DSM-5 criteria for diagnosing ADHD? The DSM-5 requires children to show at least 6 symptoms (5 for adults) that appear "often" across multiple settings. But who decides how often is "often" - and whether a behavior is "inappropriate" - turns out to be deeply shaped by cultural values, not objective measurement. Why are ADHD diagnoses increasing? Research shows that school accountability policies like No Child Left Behind drove significant increases in ADHD diagnoses, particularly among low-income children. In some states, diagnosing a child with ADHD could raise a school's average test scores - creating a financial incentive that had nothing to do with the child's actual needs. What is Russell Barkley's theory of ADHD? Barkley sees ADHD as a chronic, highly heritable brain disorder rooted in deficits in executive functioning. He compares it to diabetes: a lifelong condition requiring ongoing treatment, primarily with stimulant medication. This episode examines both his framework and the places where his own research contradicts itself. Is ADHD overdiagnosed? The evidence suggests yes, in many cases. Diagnosis rates vary by a factor of two to three across U.S. states when there aren’t consistent biological or cultural differences between these states. Many children receive a diagnosis after a 15-minute pediatric visit, not the thorough multi-source evaluation the research actually recommends. Is ADHD neurodivergent? Yes - and that framing shapes how a child with ADHD gets supported. The medical model treats ADHD as a brain disorder: something broken that medication needs to fix. A neuroaffirming approach treats it as a difference - and asks whether the environment, not just the child, needs to change. The diagnostic criteria themselves embed specific cultural values about what counts as "appropriate" behavior. Whether your child gets treated as disordered or different depends entirely on which framework their clinician is working from. What is actually happening in an ADHD brain? Barkley frames ADHD as a deficit in executive functioning - the brain systems that regulate attention, impulse control, and behavior over time. But the research on whether stimulant medication repairs that brain development is contradictory, and Barkley himself makes both claims in different videos. What are the benefits of ADHD medication? Stimulant medication does improve attention and reduce motor activity in the short term - but it does this in everyone's brain, not just in people with ADHD. This episode looks at what medication actually does, what it doesn't do, and what the drug company advertising left out. What you'll learn in this episodeWhy the word "often" in every single DSM-5 ADHD criterion creates a diagnosis that depends heavily on who is observing the child - and what cultural standards they're applyingHow the same behaviors in children in Hong Kong were rated far more severely than those of children in the U.K., and what that tells us about what ADHD is actually measuringThe financial relationships between the most influential ADHD researchers - including Barkley and Dr. Joseph Biederman - and the pharmaceutical companies that make ADHD medicationsWhy ADHD diagnosis rates in states like North Carolina and Ohio run two to three times higher than in California and Nevada, and what school accountability policies have to do with itThe contradiction at the heart of Barkley's medical model: if stimulant medication promotes brain development, why does he say it must be taken for life?How drug company ads used Barkley's and Biederman's research to frighten parents into medicating their children - and the FDA’s ineffective responseWhy the scary outcome statistics Barkley cites - including a reduced life expectancy of up to 13 years - don’t tell us much about outcomes for real people with ADHDWhat a neuroaffirming approach to ADHD looks like, and why this episode argues that the most important question isn't how to change the child to fit the environment - it's whether the environment fits the child
Click here to download the infographic: What You've Been Told About ADHD vs. What the Research Actually Shows Jump to highlights:01:14 Jen introduces a three-episode arc examining the medical model of ADHD, which positions it as a chronic, highly heritable brain disorder. This first episode covers what ADHD is according to leading researcher Dr. Russell Barkley, how it's diagnosed, problems with diagnosis, and financial conflicts of interest.06:37 Kids need six out of nine symptoms, adults need five. Each symptom must occur "often" - but there's no objective measure for what "often" means.10:10 Dr. Barkley sees ADHD as a deficit in executive functioning - the ability to self-regulate over time. It breaks down into inhibition (hyperactive-impulsive behavior) and metacognition (inattention symptoms, which he says are misnamed).12:37 Dr. Barkley compares ADHD to diabetes, saying it's a chronic condition needing ongoing treatment. Just like you wouldn't expect insulin to cure diabetes, he argues, you shouldn't expect ADHD medication to fix someone's brain so they can stop taking it.23:30 Barkley says parents might have legitimate reasons for "non-compliance" with training, like family stress. Training may be discontinued while stress is managed. But kids who don't comply get behavior modification - no understanding or flexibility for them.30:45 Barkley has essentially created a new diagnostic category called Sluggish Cognitive Tempo (marked by daydreaming, lethargy, slowed thinking) even though it's never been recognized by the Psychiatric Association.35:44 Barkley presents data showing males with ADHD have a life expectancy 6.8 years less than the general population, females 8.6 years less. That's on par with smoking. Outcomes include lower education and income, more substance use, higher suicide rates (three times higher), more accidents, higher obesity and diabetes rates, and higher cardiovascular disease.43:01 Wrapping up the discussion -
If your child holds it together all day at preschool or daycare and then completely unravels the moment they get home - melting down over dinner, refusing to use the potty, making every transition a battle - you're watching afterschool restraint collapse in action. It's exhausting. And it can bring up some painful feelings for parents too, including wondering whether your presence is making things harder, not easier. In this coaching call I worked with Kathleen, parent of a three-year-old who just started full-time preschool. By the end of every day, her daughter is struggling with dinner, potty time, bath, and bedtime - and Kathleen can't figure out whether to offer more structure or less, more connection or more space. If your child is having a hard time in the evenings and you don’t know how to help, this episode is for you. Questions This Episode Will AnswerWhat are the symptoms of afterschool restraint collapse? After a full day of holding it together in a structured environment, many kids hit a wall when they get home. You might see meltdowns over small things, refusal to eat, resistance to transitions like bath or bedtime, or a child who seems to want you desperately but also can't settle when you're there. Why do some kids struggle with transitions at the end of the day? When a child's capacity is low - from tiredness, hunger, or being away from you all day - even simple transitions take more than they have left. It’s similar to how we might be a little more ‘snappy’ in the evening when we’re tired than in the morning when we have a bit more capacity. Why is my 3 year old refusing to eat dinner? For kids in full-time daycare or preschool, the need for connection with a parent can be so strong by dinnertime that eating takes a back seat. Sitting with you matters more than the food on the plate. And even though the child might be physically capable of feeding themselves, the effort required to coordinate food onto a fork or spoon and into the mouth is just too much for them. Why is my child resisting bedtime? Bedtime resistance often isn't about sleep. When a child has spent the whole day apart from you, the end of the day becomes a place where unmet needs pile up. Addressing what's underneath the resistance is more effective than trying to manage the behavior itself. How do I support a child who struggles with transitions? This episode covers a concrete first step that addresses one of the most common unmet needs in young children - and why starting there tends to make a wide range of struggles easier. What is an example of a child seeking autonomy? When a child insists on choosing "the wrong option" or refuses what you've offered, they may need autonomy - especially if they spend most of their day in an environment where they have very little say. This episode explains the difference between offering choices and providing real autonomy, and why it matters. How long does afterschool restraint collapse last? It depends on what's driving the restraint collapse - and this episode helps you figure that out. When you address the underlying needs rather than just the surface behavior, many parents find the struggles shift faster than they expected. What You'll Learn in This EpisodeWhy full-time daycare or preschool can leave children with almost no capacity left by the end of the day - and how that shows up in their behaviorHow afterschool restraint collapse connects to a child's need for connection, and why your presence can make things harder even when your child desperately wants you thereWhy mealtime battles, potty training resistance, and bedtime resistance often share the same root causeWhat consistent Special Time is, how to build it into a busy evening, and why it functions as a kind of "differential diagnosis" for end-of-day strugglesHow to provide real autonomy to a preschooler - including why the choices you're already offering might not be meeting their need at allWhat play schemas are, and how knowing your child's schema can make it easier to keep both kids occupied when you only have two handsHow to talk about feelings and needs with a child who won't engage when they’re already feeling overwhelmed
If this episode resonated - especially the part about evenings seeming relentless no matter what you try - the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits live workshop will help you. A big part of what makes end-of-day struggles so draining is that kids who have spent all day in environments with little say over what happens come home with almost nothing left for the limits we set. This workshop helps you figure out which limits are truly necessary, which ones can soften or disappear, and how to hold the ones that matter in a way your child's nervous system can actually work with. You get eight short lessons delivered by email over eight days, plus three live group coaching calls where you can bring your real situations and get support. If you're ready to stop repeating yourself and start holding fewer, clearer limits that your child can actually live with, come join us. Click the banner to sign up. Jump to highlights:01:36 Introduction to today’s episode.03:18 An open invitation to join the free Beyond the Behavior coaching call.08:04 Full-time preschool can be really tiring for kids because their capacity is super low at the end of the day. Plus, she's spending much less time with mom than before, so connection is more important now.09:15 Jen explains that special time addresses a core need for young kids so effectively. When you consistently meet the need for connection, many other struggles get easier.09:58 Some kids want an immediate connection after school; others need mental space first.14:20 The more you talk in feelings-and-needs language, the more your kid will start identifying their own needs.16:12 A schema is a repeated pattern of play. When you propose an activity based on the child's schema, they're going to be excited about it because you're seeing what they're really interested in and giving them a chance to do the thing they love.19:11 The main insight of the episode. -
If your morning routine for preschool looks less like a smooth routine and more like 21 rounds of "no", "stop", and "not like that" before 8 am, then things aren’t working well for either of you. In this episode, we walk through one ordinary preschool morning minute by minute, from the cereal bowl to the car seat buckle. We also learn how to move from: "how do I get my child to cooperate" to: what is going on inside my child's body right now, and what are they trying to communicate through the flopping, dawdling, silliness, and defiance? Because when you understand that, you can find strategies that meet both of your needs. Questions This Episode Will AnswerWhy is my child so difficult in the morning? Preschoolers live almost entirely in the present moment and learn through movement and touch. When a morning is filled with a steady stream of corrections, their nervous system experiences it as "everything I do is wrong" - and the silliness, defiance, or shutdown you see is their body's response to that overload. Why is my child grumpy in the morning? It's often less about the time of day and more about the cumulative weight of limits. When children experience correction after correction with little room for exploration or connection, grumpiness and shutdown are common signals that their needs aren't being met. Why do kids dilly-dally and dawdle in the morning? What looks like dawdling is often a child following genuine curiosity, moving their body the way it wants to go, or trying to connect with you before the day pulls you apart. What is meant by "behavior is communication"? Preschoolers don't yet have the words to say "this is too much for me" or "I need to feel close to you right now". So they show you with their bodies. Finger-stirring cereal, flopping on the floor, asking to be carried - each of these is a message, if you know how to listen for it. When you understand that message you can help them meet their need - which also meets your needs for peace, ease, and order. Is misbehavior an unmet need? Often, yes. When you look beneath challenging behaviors in young children, you frequently find unmet needs for things like autonomy, movement, connection, or play. The behavior is a signal pointing you toward what your child actually needs. If you want to find out your child’s biggest need (and easy, actionable strategies to meet it that make your life easier), take this free quiz. What are some reasons children misbehave? In early childhood, most challenging behavior traces back to a mismatch between a child's developmental capacity and what's being asked of them, combined with needs they’re trying to meet in ways you’re finding irritating. Preschoolers aren't misbehaving to make your life harder. They don’t know how else to meet their needs. What You'll Learn in This EpisodeHow to walk through a typical preschool morning routine and see it through your child's eyes, moment by momentWhat your child's most frustrating behaviors (flopping, dawdling, silliness, defiance) are often communicating about their needsWhy the total number of corrections across a morning matters as much as any single limit you setWhat your needs are in the morning routine, and why they are just as valid as your child's needsHow it’s possible to meet your needs AND your child’s needsHow to start moving toward fewer, clearer limits that your preschooler's nervous system can actually work withWhat the research on parent-child interaction patterns tells us about where repeated correction leads over timeHow parents who grew up in homes with heavy compliance expectations describe the long-term effects on themselves and their own parenting
To help you put the ideas from this episode into practice, I've created a free worksheet: Your Difficult Morning Audit. You'll count your corrections, sort them, and start to see which limits are truly necessary - and which ones are habit. Get The Morning Audit Worksheet For Free If you thought "that's my kid" or "that's our mornings" - the Setting Loving (& Effective) Limits workshop is for you. Learn how to see how many limits you're actually setting, sort them into what's truly necessary and what can soften or disappear, and practice holding fewer, clearer limits in a way your child's nervous system can actually handle. You get short focused modules, three live group coaching calls where you can bring your real situations, and a community of parents working through the same things. If you're ready to move from correction-heavy mornings to fewer, truer limits your preschooler can actually live with, come join us in the Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop. Click the banner to learn more. Jump to highlights:01:27 Introduction to today’s episode05:48 The behavior isn't defiance - it's communication about their needs.08:21 Young children live in the present moment and learn through movement and repetition rather than explanations.10:45 You're not the villain for wanting things to go smoothly. Getting out the door, you need to meet your responsibility to co-workers while staying connected to your kid.13:58 Your child needs connection, autonomy, movement, exploration, play, and fun. You need ease, harmony, collaboration, and responsibility to others.16:45 The Gottman research on couples suggests we need about five positive interactions for every negative one to stay connected.18:43 As a young child, Crystal learned to read the room constantly. As a teenager, she rebelled hard and ended up heavily involved in drugs and alcohol.30:38 Wrapping up the discussion.31:40 An open invitation to Setting Loving (&Effective) Limits workshop. -
If your kids are fighting constantly, you're probably exhausted from playing referee. Maybe they're arguing over whose toy is whose, poking and teasing each other until someone cries, or telling you two completely different stories about what happened. And when you step in to help, nothing seems to work. In this free Beyond the Behavior group coaching call, parent Stacey’s 12-year-old and 7-year-old are caught in a cycle of constant sibling conflict - poking, teasing, hitting, and yes, even lying to get each other in trouble. We might think that sibling fighting is about mean-ness, but actually it’s a signal of underlying needs. Once you understand what's driving the behavior, you'll have real tools to help your kids work through conflict - and a process for helping them find solutions that work for both of them.Click here to download the Steps on How to Stop Sibling Conflict Infographic Questions This Episode Will AnswerIs sibling fighting normal? Some conflict between siblings is common, but constant fighting - where nothing you try seems to work - is usually a signal that your child is trying to meet a specific need. Once you know what it is, it will be much easier to find a strategy that works for both of you. What causes siblings to fight so much? The reason kids fight is often not what it looks like on the surface. Common needs children are trying to meet through fighting include:Connection with a parent (when they hit a sibling, they know they have your attention!)To be seen/known/understood by you, and they don’t know how to express that, and they take out their frustration on their siblingTo play! A surprising number of kids will hit another kid to say: “Will you play with me?”
What are the most common triggers for sibling fights? Most sibling fights start with an immediate need to play, a need for connection with you (and fighting with their sibling gets your attention) or a broader lack of wellbeing in the family that they express through hitting and fighting. Is it okay to let siblings work it out themselves? Stepping back feels logical when nothing you do helps. But kids may think that you don’t care whether or how they fight, which doesn’t lead them to fight less. Instead, spending some time teaching them some new conflict resolution skills now will save you from years of refereeing their fighting down the road. How do you get siblings to stop hitting each other? Sibling hitting is almost never just about aggression. There's usually something else going on underneath it - very often needs for things like connection, to be seen, known, and understood by you, and maybe even play with their sibling. Addressing those needs changes the behavior far more effectively than consequences do. You can do this by:Connecting 1:1 for 10 minutes a day, doing something your child enjoysUnderstanding the major challenges they’re facing (e.g. school, new sibling, other major life changes) and supporting them through those challengesTeaching kids how to say: “Do you want to play?” and “Yes!”, “Not right now, but maybe later” and “No thanks!”.
How do you handle it when siblings lie about who started the fight? When both kids are telling different stories, trying to figure out who's right pulls you into a dead end. Instead of investigating the past, shift your focus to what each child needed in that moment - and how to help them get it in a way that works for both of them. How do you resolve sibling conflict without refereeing every fight? You can teach kids a specific process to stop their fights: name their feelings, identify what they need in that moment, and then brainstorm strategies that could meet both people's needs. Parents can teach this by practicing it in low-stakes moments first - not in the middle of a fight. How do you get siblings to stop tattling? Tattling usually happens when a child wants a parent to take their side. When kids learn to identify what they need in a conflict and how to ask for it directly, the motivation to tattle drops - because they have a more effective way to get their needs met. What You'll Learn in This EpisodeWhy sibling fighting is often a bid for connection - and why that reframe matters for how you respondWhy one child hitting another can actually be an attempt to play, not a sign of aggressionWhat it means to make a "bid for connection", and how to help both the child making the bid and the one receiving itWhy stepping back and letting kids handle conflict themselves can backfire - and what needs to be in place before that becomes a realistic optionHow to use feelings and needs language as a conflict resolution tool - and why starting with low-stakes moments between you and your child (not between the kids) is the most effective first stepWhy special one-on-one time with each child plays a bigger role in sibling conflict than most parents realizeHow to work with kids who shut down and won't talk - including non-verbal ways to stay connected in a hard momentA practical way to help even young children start solving conflicts together - including a real example of a 3-year-old and 5-year-old doing exactly that within weeks of their parents starting this approach
Beyond The Behavior Coaching CallsWant coaching like this for yourself?These Beyond The Behavior calls happen on the second Wednesday of each month from 11 AM Pacific, and they’re completely free. You can get coached on whatever challenge you’re facing right now, or just listen in while I coach other parents. We usually work with two or three parents on each call. And if you can’t make it live, don’t worry – recordings are available inside the Parenting Membership where they’re searchable by topic. There’s no commitment. We’ll send you a reminder before each call, and you can join if it works for you or skip it if you’re busy with other things. Whether you’re dealing with challenging behaviors or trying to figure out how to stop yelling at your kids, these calls give you a chance to work through your specific situation with support. Click the banner to learn more and sign upJump to highlights:01:48 Introduction to today’s episode03:42 Parent Stacey shares the situation wherein her 12-year-old and 7-year-old are constantly fighting, poking, and teasing. Both kids have admitted to lying about what happened because they want to get each other in trouble.06:03 Conflicts often start over objects, but attention, specifically connection, is the real driver behind much of the fighting.06:39 Jen explains how we can shift from the negative connotation of "attention-seeking" to understanding it as kids looking for connection with each other and with parents.10:58 Jen helps Stacey think about when one-on-one time could happen, like during drives to sports practice, and how to balance everyone's needs, including the parents' needs for rest and couple time.12:45 What's missing is a real understanding of what needs are coming up for each person in their interactions.17:43 Kids try to meet the same needs over and over. Connection and autonomy are almost always in the top three.20:13 Wrapping up.20:33 An open invitation to join the next Beyond the Behavior call.20:40 An open invitation to the flash sale on one-on-one coaching until April 5. -
If you've been watching the news and feeling despair because you can’t do anything about it, this episode is for you.The Epstein files, revealing how powerful men think about, talk about, and treat women.ICE raids tearing families apart.Strikes on Iranian cities - and schools full of children!In this episode, I make a direct connection between these social issues and what happens inside our homes every day.The patterns playing out on a global scale - where the person with more power decides whose feelings count - show up in our families too, often in moments we don't even notice, and that seem like they’re about discipline. The decisions we make in those moments are quietly teaching our kids lessons we may not intend to pass on.Questions this episode will answerWhat do ICE raids have to do with parenting? When children watch some families live in fear of being separated while others are basically safe by default, they learn that some people's safety matters more than others. That same lesson can show up at home when we use our power as parents to override our kids' feelings and needs.Why is it important to teach kids about consent? Research shows that girls start shifting from seeing their body as something that helps them do things to seeing it as something to be judged - often earlier than we realize. Teaching consent starts long before those conversations about sex. It starts when we stop forcing our children to accept hugs and give kisses they don’t want from well-meaning relatives.How do you explain consent to children? Consent is about whose body, feelings, and needs matter most. When we override our child's no - even in small everyday moments - we teach them that the person with more power wins. This episode explores what it looks like to do things differently.How do the Iran strikes connect to how we raise our kids? When leaders frame bombing cities where children live as "protecting freedom", they're using the same logic many of us heard growing up: that hurting someone with less power is justified when the person with more power decides it's for a good reason. This episode traces that logic from foreign policy all the way back to the family dinner table.What does it mean that we're all part of the system - not just the people doing obvious harm? It's easy to point to the person at the center causing the most visible damage. But around that person are rings of people who actively enable them, then people who know and look away, and then the rest of us - making decisions every day in our families and communities that make it more or less likely that people with power can keep using it. This episode explains what that outermost ring looks like in ordinary family life, and what it means to resist it from there.What you'll learn in this episodeWhy the same power dynamics driving ICE raids, the Epstein files, and the Iran strikes also show up in everyday parenting momentsHow the language our leaders use about migrants, women, and foreign countries shapes what our kids quietly absorb about whose lives matterWhat research tells us about how girls experience the shift from body ownership to body judgment - and what parents can do to slow that shift downWhy the parents who explode when their kids say no are often people who were never allowed to say no themselvesHow using power to manage our kids' behavior in stressful moments teaches the same lesson as the biggest injustices in the news - just on a smaller scaleWhat it looks like to build a home where your child's feelings and needs count - even when you're overwhelmed
Taming Your TriggersIf you recognized yourself anywhere in this episode - if you know that when the poop hits the fan you fall back on power because you don't know what else to do - that's exactly what we work on in my Taming Your Triggers workshop.In the workshop, we go deep on why you get triggered, what you actually need in those moments, and how to build a different response from the inside out - so you're not just white-knuckling it through the hard moments anymore.Click the banner to learn more.Jump to highlights:00:44 Jen explains she's pulling back the curtain on how bigger social systems like racism, sexism, and power dynamics connect directly to our parenting decisions and our children's development.02:51 Listeners said social systems have nothing to do with parenting, but the stress of staying silent was literally showing up in her body.04:00 How bad actors at the center are enabled by people who actively support them, people who know but ignore it, and the rest of us who make daily decisions that either challenge or reinforce these power structures.06:43 When we use power over our kids in everyday moments like getting them to eat vegetables or put on shoes, we're teaching them who has power and who doesn't, normalizing the idea that more powerful people can and should control weaker people.07:03 How powerful men treat girls' and women's bodies as disposable, and the whole system backs them up. This isn't unique - it's a pattern where online harassment and threats silence women who put ideas and opinions into the world.11:31 When we try to be thinner for the male gaze, watch movies where the point is getting married to a guy, or don't discuss with our kids how all the girls in books end up partnered, we're part of creating an environment where girls see their bodies as objects to be judged rather than tools to do things.18:23 Our children are learning that some families are always on the edge of being torn apart, while others are safe by default, and this same pattern shows up at home when we use power because we're overwhelmed.22:47 The message our children hear is that it can be acceptable to kill some people's children to keep our children safe; their children's bodies are less valuable than our children's bodies.29:18 If we live without violence, we're outsourcing our conflict to unseen powers and detonating it elsewhere. The invisible privilege of our peaceful existence is actually an act of violence carried out by people in the global south, people in ghettos, and economically marginalized people in prisons.30:42 If our homes look calm because our kids have learned to shut down and stop bringing us hard truths, that's not real peace; the conflict has just gone underground into our children's bodies, where they've learned to stuff down their needs for connection, autonomy, and boisterous play.33:40 Whether we talk to our kids about these issues matters less than how we are with them. They remember what we do more than what we say. If we use power over them in daily moments, we're creating the conditions where all that other stuff can happen in the world.36:38 Parents in the Taming Your Triggers workshop share how understanding needs, widening their window of tolerance, and creating a pause between behavior and response helps them stay regulated instead of outsourcing their overwhelm to their children.41:50 An open invitation to join the Taming Your Triggers workshopReferences:Carmo, A. (2025, November 20). AI and anonymity fuel surge in digital violence against women. UN News. https://news.un.org/en/story/2025/11/1166411National Organization for Women. (2025, March 5). One in four American women face online harassment: 69% of women believe current laws to protect them are insufficient. https://now.org/media-center/press-release/one-in-four-american-women-face-online-harassment-69-of-women-believe-current-laws-to-protect-them-are-insufficient/Rice, E., Gibbs, J., Winetrobe, H., & Rhoades, H. (2014). Tweens and teens who receive sexts are 6 times more likely to report having had sex [Press release]. USC Today. https://today.usc.edu/tweens-and-teens-who-receive-sexts-are-6-times-more-likely-to-report-having-had-sex/Spencer, T. (2024, July 1). Newly released Epstein transcripts: Florida prosecutors knew billionaire raped teen girls years before cutting deal. PBS NewsHour. https://www.pbs.org/newshour/nation/newly-released-epstein-transcript-florida-prosecutors-knew-billionaire-raped-teen-girls-years-before-cutting-dealWihbey, J., & Kille, L. W. (2015, July 13). Internet harassment and online threats targeting women: Research review. The Journalist's Resource. https://journalistsresource.org/criminal-justice/internet-harassment-online-threats-targeting-women-research-review/... -
When a doctor hands your child a diagnosis, it can be a relief - finally, an explanation for their behavior! But sociologist Dr. Allan Horwitz has spent decades studying how psychiatric diagnoses are made, and what he's found raises serious questions about how much weight that label should carry.In this episode, Dr. Horwitz walks through how the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) - the manual that defines every mental health diagnosis - was built less on scientific research than on professional politics, institutional pressure, and the practical needs of insurance companies.He traces how depression went from a diagnosis given to a small fraction of the population to one of the most common diagnoses in the world, and explains exactly what happened to reliability when the DSM-5 was tested in real clinical conditions.He also looks at how the same behaviors get labeled very differently depending on a child's age, race, class, and cultural background - and why that matters for every parent trying to figure out whether a diagnosis is actually helping their child.This episode won't tell you to reject diagnosis outright. But it will give you the critical knowledge to ask better questions when a label is offered for your child.Questions This Episode Will AnswerWhat is the DSM and why does it matter for my child?The DSM is the manual psychiatrists and psychologists use to diagnose every mental health condition. It determines what insurance will cover, what services your child can access, and what label follows them through school and into treatment.Who created the DSM and who controls it?The American Psychiatric Association publishes the DSM, but its diagnostic criteria were largely shaped by a small group of people - predominantly white men with ties to pharmaceutical companies - whose process looked more like sausage-making than science.Why is DSM-5 criticized by researchers?Field trials for DSM-5 showed reliability had actually declined from earlier editions. For some of the most common diagnoses, including major depression and generalized anxiety, agreement between clinicians was barely better than chance.Is a psychiatric diagnosis actually reliable?Reliability means two different clinicians would give the same patient the same diagnosis. Research on the DSM-5 shows this is far less consistent than most parents assume - and a reliable diagnosis still isn't necessarily a correct one.Are children being overdiagnosed with mental health conditions?Research shows that the youngest children in a classroom are significantly more likely to receive a psychiatric diagnosis than their older classmates, especially for ADHD - suggesting that what's being measured is developmental maturity, not a mental disorder.Does the DSM apply equally to children from different cultural backgrounds?The DSM was built on a Euro-centric framework, and critics argue it pathologizes behaviors that are normal or valued in many Global Majority cultures. This has real consequences for how children from different backgrounds get diagnosed and treated.Why do mental health diagnoses focus on the individual instead of their circumstances?The DSM is deliberately designed to identify disorders within a person rather than look at the conditions around them. It makes sense that a person going through a relationship breakup might feel sad, angry, and/or uncertain about the future. That doesn’t mean they’re ‘depressed.’ Dr. Horwitz explains what that choice costs - and who pays the most.What You'll Learn in This EpisodeWhy diagnosis serves the psychiatric profession and the insurance system in ways that don’t always help the person being diagnosedHow the shift from psychoanalysis to the DSM-3 in 1980 dramatically expanded who could be diagnosed with depression - and why that shift was driven by professional rivalry, not new scienceWhat reliability and validity actually mean in psychiatric diagnosis, and why the numbers from DSM-5 field trials alarmed even people inside the systemHow the people who built the DSM criteria handled disagreements - and why the process Dr. Horwitz describes is so different from what most parents imagineWhy a child's birthdate relative to their classmates can predict their likelihood of receiving a psychiatric diagnosisHow socioeconomic status shapes not just whether a child gets diagnosed, but when they take their medication and whyWhat the removal of the bereavement exclusion in DSM-5 tells us about the direction the system is headingWhy the same behaviors that get a child diagnosed with ADHD in the US might get that child's family into therapy in the UK insteadWhat Dr. Horwitz thinks would actually make a difference for children's mental health - and why the most effective interventions are rarely the ones being offered
Your Triggers Aren't a Diagnosis. But They're Worth Understanding.This episode makes the case that the mental health system focuses on only what's happening inside a person instead of looking at the broader circumstances around them - mostly to sell us more drugs.In reality, our struggles are a combination of the challenges we’ve experienced in the past (and how we’ve learned to handle them), and our situation today. We have to see both pieces to make sense of where we’ve been, and learn new tools for what’s happening now.When your child's behavior sends you into a reaction you regret later, a diagnosis or prescription may not help as much as understanding what's underneath that reaction and where it came from.That's exactly what the Taming Your Triggers workshop is built to help you do. In 10 weeks, you'll learn why you react the way you do, how to meet your own needs so you have more capacity for your kids, and how to respond from your values instead of your history.Click the banner to learn more Jump to highlights:02:14 Introduction to today’s episode03:44 Why do we diagnose mental illness, and whose interests does the diagnostic system serve? Dr. Allan Horwitz explains that diagnoses maintain psychiatry's legitimacy and prestige as a medical profession, regardless of the knowledge behind each diagnosis.05:10 Patients now often expect specific diagnoses before treatment even begins.14:27 People experiencing sadness from job loss or relationship endings can benefit from medication, but to get prescriptions, you need a diagnosis of a disorder, even when the response is completely expectable given the circumstances.15:39 The DSM locates suffering within individuals rather than examining broader social circumstances.19:00 Wrapping up.21:25 An open invitation to join the Parenting Membership. -
When your three-year-old hits you, their sibling, or another child, it's easy to feel frustrated, embarrassed, or even angry. You might wonder if this challenging behavior means something is wrong with your child or your parenting. In this episode, I help you see hitting in a completely different way. Instead of viewing it as a problem to eliminate, we'll explore what your child is trying to communicate through their actions. You'll discover how hitting is often your child's attempt to meet important needs when they don't yet have the words or skills to do it differently. This shift in perspective changes everything about how you respond. Most advice about hitting focuses on consequences, time-outs, or behavior charts. But these approaches miss what's really happening. In this episode, I walk you through real examples from parents dealing with hitting, and show you how to identify the feelings and needs driving the behavior. If you're not sure where to start with identifying your child's needs, this quick quiz can help you figure out which needs might be going unmet. You'll learn practical strategies for helping your child develop replacement behaviors for hitting that actually meet their needs. Whether your child hits when they're frustrated, overwhelmed, or seeking connection, you'll leave with tools to support them while also taking care of yourself and keeping everyone safe. Questions this episode will answerIs it normal for 3 year olds to hit? Yes, hitting is common in early childhood. Three-year-olds are still developing language skills and emotional regulation, so they often use physical actions to communicate feelings or meet needs they can't express in words yet. What is a replacement behavior for hitting? Replacement behaviors depend on what need your child is trying to meet. If they're seeking sensory input, alternatives might include squeezing play dough or pushing against a wall. If they're expressing frustration, they might learn to stomp their feet or use simple words like "I'm mad!" How do I get my 3 year old to stop hitting? Focus on understanding the feelings and needs behind the hitting rather than just stopping the behavior. Help your child identify what they're feeling, figure out what need they're trying to meet, and practice new ways to meet that need that work for everyone. Is it normal for a 3 year old to be very aggressive? Frequent hitting or other challenging behavior in early childhood often signals that your child has important unmet needs. This doesn't mean something is wrong with them. It means they need support learning new strategies to meet their needs. How do you teach children to communicate their needs? Start by helping your child recognize and name their feelings using simple language. Then connect those feelings to underlying needs like autonomy, play, or connection. Practice specific phrases and actions they can use instead of hitting. What is the connection between feelings and needs? Feelings are signals that tell us whether our needs are met or unmet. When your child feels frustrated, angry, or overwhelmed, these feelings point to needs that aren't being met, like autonomy, understanding, or ease. What you'll learn in this episodeWhy hitting and other challenging behavior in early childhood is actually communication about unmet needsHow to identify the specific feelings and needs driving your child's hitting behaviorThe difference between expressing needs through hitting versus meeting needs through hittingPractical replacement behaviors for hitting based on different underlying needs Why punishment and consequences don't address the root cause of hittingHow to use the "name it to tame it" approach to help your child recognize their feelingsSteps to support your child in developing new skills while keeping everyone safeReal examples of parents working through hitting situations using a feelings and needs approachHow to take care of your own needs when your child's challenging behavior triggers you
Taming Your Triggers If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you:Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child…Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated…Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them…
…the Taming Your Triggers Workshop will help you. Click the banner to learn more! Jump to highlights:02:02 Introduction to today’s episode04:01 An open invitation to Why You're So Angry with Your Child's Age-Appropriate Behavior and What to Do About It masterclass.05:10 Parent shares context where her child hits when excited and demands chocolate at every preschool pickup.06:56 Jen starts by checking in on the parent's wellbeing and support system, explaining how parental stress shows up in children's behavior.09:47 Jen helps the parent see the behavior as an expression of a difficult situation rather than defiance or stubbornness.11:28 Jen identifies three needs behind the joy/indulgence, autonomy, and connection after being apart all day.20:02 Connection and autonomy are the top two needs of young kids.22:40 Identifying patterns (hitting happens when super excited) and offering redirection strategies like jumping together. -
Are you exhausted in a way that sleep doesn't fix? Do you find yourself more irritable with your children than you ever imagined possible? You might be experiencing parental burnout and you're far from alone. In this episode, I sit down with Dr. Moïra Mikolajczak, one of the world's leading researchers on parental burnout, along with listener Kelly, who shares her raw, honest experience of burning out while raising her young daughter. Dr. Mikolajczak reveals groundbreaking research showing that parents in burnout have cortisol levels twice as high as other parents - even higher than people suffering from chronic pain or experiencing marital abuse. We explore why Western parents are at such high risk compared to parents in other cultures, what happens when the pressure to be a "perfect parent" collides with isolation and lack of support, and most importantly, what actually works for recovery. Kelly opens up about the moment she had a complete breakdown far from home, unable to even find her way to a train station, and the seven-month journey that followed. If you've ever felt like you're racing through life unable to stop, or wondered whether your exhaustion is affecting your children, this episode offers both validation and a path forward. Questions This Episode Will AnswerWhat is parental burnout?Parental burnout is an exhaustion disorder where parents feel completely depleted by their parenting role. It includes four main symptoms: extreme exhaustion that doesn't improve with sleep, emotional distancing from your children, loss of pleasure in parenting, and a painful contrast between the parent you are now and the parent you wanted to be. What are the symptoms of parental burnout?The clearest warning signs are fatigue that persists despite adequate sleep and increased irritability, especially when you're with your children but not at work. Parents may experience mood swings, feel unable to recognize themselves, struggle with violent feelings toward their children, or completely lose confidence as a parent. How does parental burnout affect children?When parents reach the emotional distancing stage of burnout, it can lead to either neglect, violence (verbal or physical), or both. However, the impact on children can be reduced significantly if the other parent or a support person can compensate by providing consistent care and emotional presence. What causes parental burnout?Parental burnout results from a severe imbalance between parenting stressors and resources. Key risk factors include parental perfectionism, low emotional competence, poor co-parenting quality, inconsistent parenting practices, lack of leisure time, and the intense pressure in Western cultures to be a "perfect parent" while managing everything alone. How is parental burnout different from job burnout?While both involve exhaustion, they occur in different contexts. Job burnout centers on work exhaustion and distance from work beneficiaries, while parental burnout involves exhaustion from parenting and emotional distance from your children. You can have one without the other - in fact, many burned-out parents escape into their work. What does parental burnout feel like?Parents describe feeling like they've reached the end of their tether just thinking about what they need to do for their children. One parent in this episode describes racing forward like a heavy train that couldn't be stopped, then experiencing a complete collapse where she couldn't get out of bed, seemed physically sick, and had no energy despite having been fine the day before. How do you recover from parental burnout?Recovery requires two things: being heard in a truly non-judgmental way, and rebalancing your life by either removing stressors or adding resources. This might mean reducing children's activities, getting consistent help, working on emotional skills, addressing perfectionism, or improving co-parenting. Professional support helps identify changes you can't see yourself. Why do Western parents experience more burnout?Western countries have significantly higher parental burnout rates because of intense social pressure to raise "perfect" children, constant monitoring by institutions and other parents, pervasive social media comparison, and profound isolation. A Western parent with two children faces higher burnout risk than an African parent with eight or nine children who has community support. How can I tell if I need to take a parental burnout assessment?If you experience fatigue that doesn't disappear after several good nights of sleep, along with irritability that's noticeably worse when you're with your children (but better at work), and these symptoms persist for two to three weeks, you should consider taking the Parental Burnout Assessment. Can you prevent parental burnout?Prevention focuses on maintaining balance between parenting stressors and resources. This includes managing perfectionist expectations, building emotional regulation skills, ensuring quality co-parenting, maintaining consistent parenting practices, protecting time for yourself, limiting social media exposure, and actively seeking social support rather than parenting in isolation. What You'll Learn in This EpisodeThe science behind parental burnout and why it's different from regular exhaustionHow to recognize the warning signs before you reach crisis pointWhy being a "good parent" in modern Western culture sets you up for burnoutThe specific risk factors that increase your vulnerabilityReal strategies for talking to your children about your burnoutWhat actually works for recovery (and what doesn't)How parental burnout impacts children and how to protect themOne parent's lived experience from breakdown to recoveryWhy you might be escaping into work without realizing itThe balance assessment that helps identify where to start
Taming Your Triggers If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you:Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child…Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated…Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them…
…the Taming Your Triggers Workshop will help you. Click the banner to learn more! Jump to highlights:01:45 Introduction to today’s guests03:17 Dr. Mikolajczak explains that parental burnout is an exhaustion disorder where parents feel totally exhausted by their parenting role, emotionally distant from their children, lose pleasure in parenting, and see a contrast between who they are now and who they wanted to be as a parent.06:29 A study shows prevalence ranges from less than 1% to 9%, with Euro-centric countries showing much higher rates than Asian or African countries.08:20 Kelly shares her experience, describing how burnout feels. She had a complete blackout while away for work, couldn't find her way home, and then collapsed for days afterward. Seven months later, she's still recovering.11:48 New research shows parents in burnout have cortisol levels twice as high as control parents, even higher than people with severe chronic pain15:11 Burnout primarily affects children when parents become emotionally distant, which can lead to neglect or violence. A supportive partner can buffer these effects.19:06 Dr. Mikolajczak explains how parenting expectations have completely changed in just less than 100 years. Parents now face intense pressure from the state, schools, and social media to be perfect.25:05 The biggest risk factors aren't the number of children or child difficulties. They're parental perfectionism, low emotional competence, poor co-parenting quality, inconsistent parenting practices, and lack of time for yourself. Burnout happens when stressors outweigh resources for too long.38:59 The two most important warning signs are fatigue that doesn't go away with a few good nights' sleep and irritability, especially if these symptoms last more than two or three weeks and happen mostly at home, not at work.48:33 Parents need to be listened to in a nonjudgmental way, and they need to rebalance their stressors and resources. This might mean cutting extracurricular activities, finding new support systems, or working with a psychologist to identify changes you didn't think were possible.53:43 Create a visual schedule so your child knows what's coming next and when they'll have time with you. Reward alone time with something your child loves. Find activities they can do independently, even if just for short periods. -
When you started parenting, you probably had ideas about the kind of parent you wanted to be. Maybe you imagined patient bedtimes and peaceful mornings. Then reality hit, and you found yourself doing things you swore you'd never do. Parent Maile Grace knows this feeling well. In this conversation, she shares how her parenting values have shifted since her daughter was born. She talks about moving away from strategies like timeouts that seemed to work in the moment but didn't align with what she truly wanted for her relationship with her child. You'll hear how she supports her kids when they're fighting instead of jumping in to fix everything, and why building connections with neighbors matters more to her now than having a perfectly organized home. If you've ever wondered whether collaborative parenting actually works in real life, this episode gives you a peek into one family's experience. Questions this episode will answerWhat is collaborative parenting? Collaborative parenting means working with your child to solve problems instead of using punishments or rewards to control their behavior. It involves understanding what your child is struggling with and finding solutions that work for everyone. What are parenting values? Parenting values are the principles that guide how you want to raise your children and the kind of relationships you want to build with them. They often include things like respect, connection, autonomy, and understanding. How do children solve problems? Children learn problem-solving skills when adults support them through conflicts rather than immediately fixing things. They practice identifying their own feelings and what matters to them, then working together to find solutions. What is collaborative problem solving? Collaborative problem solving is an approach where parents help children navigate challenges by exploring what's hard for everyone involved and creating solutions together, rather than imposing consequences or rewards. How much sibling fighting is normal? Sibling conflicts are a regular part of childhood. Instead of trying to eliminate fighting completely, parents can focus on supporting children through these moments to help them develop problem-solving and relationship skills. Why is parent collaboration important? When parents work collaboratively with children, kids learn to understand their own feelings and what matters to them. This approach builds stronger relationships and helps children develop skills they'll use throughout their lives. What you'll learn in this episodeHow one parent's values shifted from wanting a "well-behaved" child to prioritizing connection and understandingWhy some common parenting strategies work in the short term but can damage relationships over timeA real example of how collaborative problem-solving looks when siblings are fightingHow to support children in working through conflicts without immediately stepping in to fix thingsWhat it means to let go of trying to control your child's behaviorWhy building neighborhood connections became a higher priority than maintaining a perfectly organized homeThe difference between parenting strategies that change behavior and approaches that build skills and relationships
Taming Your Triggers If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you:Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child…Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated…Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them…
…the Taming Your Triggers Workshop will help you. Click the banner to learn more! Jump to highlights:02:01 A brief introduction to today’s guest and what today’s episode is all about03:40 An open invitation to join the Parenting Membership, where you can find the full version of this episode07:12 Maile gives an example about a challenging time that didn't go the way that she hoped and how she managed to come back around after the words14:32 What does Maile’s son do to find a connection with her?19:30 What can you do when you experience the moment where there were like little releases, and then the frustration comes back?25:07 An open invitation to Taming Your Triggers workshop -
When your child struggles with behavior or attention, doctors might suggest ADHD medication. Before you move forward, you should know what a psychiatric diagnosis actually is - and what it isn't.
This episode examines how psychiatric diagnoses actually work - and what they don't tell you. Dr. Sami Timimi, a child and adolescent psychiatrist in the UK, explains how the mental health system has become an industrial complex that profits from turning distress into diagnoses.
You'll learn why a diagnosis doesn't mean doctors have found something wrong with your child's brain, and why the framework we use to understand mental health struggles might be missing the bigger picture. If you've ever felt pressured to medicate your child or wondered whether there's more to the story than a "chemical imbalance", this conversation will give you the information you didn't know you were missing.
Questions this episode will answerWhat do you do when your child has a behavioral problem? Instead of immediately seeking a diagnosis, consider the social context - school environments, family stress, economic pressures, and whether your child's environment actually fits their needs. Addressing these factors can be more effective than focusing solely on fixing the individual child.
What is a psychiatric diagnosis evaluation? A psychiatric diagnosis evaluation is a process where behaviors are observed and categorized according to checklists, but it doesn't involve measuring anything in the brain or body. The diagnosis describes behaviors but doesn't explain what causes them.
Can ADHD be misdiagnosed? Since ADHD diagnosis relies on behavior checklists rather than objective tests, two evaluators can reach different conclusions about the same child. The behaviors labeled as ADHD - hyperactivity, inattention, impulsivity - are descriptions, not explanations of what's causing those behaviors.
What is the most common childhood behavioral disorder? ADHD is commonly diagnosed in children, but saying a child's hyperactivity is caused by a hyperactivity disorder is circular reasoning - we're just describing the behavior using medical language.
How does parenting affect mental health? Single parents and parents experiencing poverty face significant stressors that impact mental health. When parents seek help for depression or anxiety, they're often directed toward medication rather than receiving support that addresses the actual challenges they face - lack of resources, isolation, and overwhelming demands.
What are the biggest determinants of mental health? Social and economic factors - housing security, job stability, poverty, social support, and community resources - are major determinants of mental health. These environmental conditions create distress that often gets labeled as individual mental illness.
How can social factors affect your mental health? Social factors like economic insecurity, isolation, and the structure of our society create feelings of alienation and the sense that "I'm not good enough." When we say these problems are inside individuals rather than addressing social conditions, we miss opportunities to reduce distress at its source.
What does industrial complex mean in mental health? The mental health industrial complex refers to the entire ecosystem that profits from mental health diagnoses - from expensive assessments and therapies to pharmaceuticals, apps, books, and self-help products. It turns distress into a commodity that can be mined for profit.
What you'll learn in this episodeWhat happens during psychiatric diagnosis evaluations (and why no brain scan is involved)Why ADHD medication studies show different results at 14 months versus 30 months (and you’ve probably only heard of the 14 month outcomes)How the mental health industrial complex profits from turning distress into diagnosesWhat parents should know about the difference betweendescribingbehaviors andexplainingthem (and why it matters)Why circular reasoning (like “your child's hyperactivity is caused by a hyperactivity disorder") is everywhere in mental health but rarely discussedHow poverty and lack of social support create mental health struggles that get diagnosed as disordersWhat happens when we assume problems are "inside" people rather than in their circumstancesWhy supporting families through social and economic interventions might reduce distress more effectively than individual treatmentHow the framework we use to understand distress shapes what solutions seem possibleWhat to consider before starting medication for yourself or your childJump to highlights:
01:37 A brief introduction to today’s episode
04:06 Introducing today’s guest
05:41 What does the mental health industrial complex mean?
12:28 How does Dr. Sami Timimi respond when others view his perspective as a fringe position on ADHD and mental health?
14:45 Dr. Sami Timimi can't blame the people for accepting diagnoses as brain-based conditions because they assume doctors have found something wrong in their brains
16:59 A quick review of what we learned today
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Welcome to 2026! In this episode, we're looking back at what we covered in 2025 and sharing what's coming in the year ahead.A Year of Growth2025 was a year of evolution for the podcast. We covered topics you've been asking about - parenting triggers, rage, overwhelm, boundaries, and breaking family trauma cycles. We also did a deep dive across four episodes into Dr. Jonathan Haidt’s book The Anxious Generation (which likely overstates the harm of social media on kids). There’s also a summary episode that covers all the main ideas from the four deep dives in just 17 minutes.Based on feedback from the Podcast Advisory Council, we shifted to shorter public episodes while full-length episodes moved to the Parenting Membership's private feed. Our goal is to get you to the insights that matter faster. 2026: The Year of Mental HealthThis year, we're going deep on mental health. What even is it? How can we support it in ourselves and our children? And how does it intersect with neurodivergence? I've already recorded the first episodes and I have to tell you - my mind has been blown by what I'm learning. Big Changes ComingThe Parenting Membership is now open year-round with a new onboarding process. The website is getting a complete redesign with filters so you can search by your specific challenge and child's age. Plus 10 new starter videos explaining core concepts. Episodes Mentioned232: 10 game-changing parenting hacks – straight from master dog trainers233: Time-outs: Helpful or harmful? Here's what the research says234: The problem wit time outs: Why they fail , and what to do instead235: Chidren's Threats: What they mean and how to respond238: Feeling exhausted and overwhelmed? Tools to help you cope241: Validating children's feelings: Why it's important, and how to do it with Dr. Caroline FleckThe Anxious Generation255: Why Do I Keep Snapping? Parenting Rage When Your Childhood 'Wasn't That BadES 04: Reparenting Yourself: Break Your Family's Trauma CycleES 05: How to Enforce Boundaries When Someone Doesn't Respect Them
Resources for YouWe've created a bunch of new tools to support your parenting journey:Parent Anger Quiz- discover how your childhood (even if it seemed "normal") created the triggers you experience todayCalm Parent Toolkit- ($7) get practical, printable resource that helps you understand your triggers, nervous system, and parenting patterns so you can respond to your child with more calm and confidenceWhy You're So Angry with Your Child's (Age 1-10) Age-Appropriate Behavior - And What to Do About It masterclass- ($27) learn the three real causes of triggered reactions and get tools to stay calm when your child's behavior usually sets you offTaming Your Triggers workshop-10-week, all online workshop for parents to help you feel triggered less often by your child's behaviorBeyond the Behavior- free coaching calls (second Wednesday monthly, 9-10.30 am)Parenting Membership- complete parenting support with evidence-based strategies, coaching, and communityFree parenting resources collection(coming soon)
Jump to highlights:01:44 Introduction of today’s episode02:46 A quick recap on one of January’s episodes, which is the 10 game-changing parenting hacks straight from master dog trainers03:55 In February, research on timeouts helps parents to transition away from physical punishment, and how Taming Your Triggers participants benefit most from community support and coaching05:55 Last summer, we talked about Dr. Jonathan Haidt’s book The Anxious Generation09:05 Jen decided to shorten the episodes into 15-20-minute episodes instead of 60-minute exploration12:56 Parenting Membership enrollment is available for year-round enrollment15:10 The parent anger quiz helps you to understand the source of the rage that you experience as a parent, even if your childhood was “normal” and not traumatic17:10 Another free resource is the Beyond the Behavior coaching calls20:01 In a Your Parenting Mojo family, you're understanding how your childhood shows up in your parenting, noticing your triggers, responding from calm steadiness, and breaking generational cycles of shame and disconnection21:44 Jen is thanking everyone in the Your Parenting Mojo community for being here and doing the hard work of parenting differently -
Have you ever opened a gift from your parent and felt your stomach drop? You've tried everything - wishlists, clear conversations, explicit boundaries about gift giving. But the packages keep arriving, filled with things that feel totally opposite from your values. And then you're stuck in this awful place where you're simultaneously angry at them for not respecting your boundaries AND judging yourself for not just being grateful. In this episode, I'm sharing part of a powerful coaching conversation with Sam, who's spent years trying to set gift giving boundaries with her mom. What we discovered is that when unwanted gifts trigger us this intensely, they're touching something way deeper than clutter or consumption. When I talked with Nedra Glover Tawwab recently, she advocated for very strong boundaries: if you get unwanted gifts, you send them back. How the other person feels about that is not your responsibility. You might decide that a hard boundary is the best option for you. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t address the hurt you’re feeling that is leading you to consider a boundary. Through an embodiment exercise, Sam found empathy for her mom's needs while still honoring her own need to be truly seen. But the real breakthrough came when we talked about what to do when your parent simply can't give you what you long for - and why that requires grief work, and not always stronger boundaries. Questions this episode will answerIs it normal to have resentment for your parents over gifts? Yes. When unwanted gifts keep coming despite clear boundaries, that resentment often connects to a deeper need - wanting your parent to truly see and understand you. What is the psychology behind excessive gift-giving? Gift givers are often trying to meet needs like staying relevant, feeling competent as a parent, creating connection, and mattering in their grandchildren's lives, especially when physical distance or other limitations exist. How do you respond to unwanted gifts without losing your mind? You can't just decide the gifts don't bother you anymore. It may help to mourn the relationship you wished you had with your parent, and get your need to be seen met through other relationships. What to do with unwanted gifts when boundaries keep failing? You can continue donating them through Buy Nothing groups, but the real shift happens when you stop attaching meaning to the gifts - when a dancing cactus becomes just a dancing cactus, not evidence that your parent doesn't see you. How do you let go of anger and resentment towards a parent? Through embodied mourning rituals - not just making a decision in your head. This might involve gathering with people who truly see you and symbolically releasing the longed-for relationship you're acknowledging you won't have. How do you set boundaries with parents when they won't respect them? Sometimes moving forward means you stop holding the door open, exhausting yourself while you wait for them to walk through it. You find other ways to meet your needs instead. What you'll learn in this episodeWhy gift-giving boundaries fail even when you've been crystal clear about your values and preferencesHow embodying her mom helped Sam find empathy for her mom without giving up her own needsWhat needs your parent might be trying to meet through excessive gift giving (and why understanding this matters)The difference between making a mental decision that something doesn't matter and actually mourning the loss of the relationship you wished you hadHow to meet your need to be seen and understood through relationships other than your parentThe "door metaphor" - what it means to stop holding it open and why that's different from closing it foreverWhy unwanted holiday gifts can become neutral once you've done the grief workHow to stay in relationship with your parent while letting go of the exhausting longing for them to change
Jump to highlights:01:07 Introduction of today’s episode.03:05 Sam and her husband send gift lists to their excited long-distance parents to manage space in their small house, but when an inappropriate gift arrives despite their clear requests, Sam feels worried that her boundaries weren't respected.11:07 Sam struggles between wanting her mother to show up differently and accepting that she can't force that change, feeling like she's leaving a door open while getting frustrated that her mother doesn't know how to walk through it.14:54 Wrapping up today’s topic17:20 An open invitation to Parenting Membership Black Friday sale -
You've told your parents you're not available during work hours. They keep calling anyway.
You've asked them not to comment on your weight. They bring it up again on the next visit.
You've said no to those random Amazon gifts. Another package arrives at your door.
Many parents know how to set boundaries, but get stuck when someone won't respect them. In this summary episode, therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab shares practical strategies for enforcing boundaries when people repeatedly ignore or dismiss them.
You'll learn about
the "fire extinguisher method" for stopping uncomfortable conversations before they spiralhow to embody your boundaries through your actions (not just your words)how to navigate the especially tricky situation where you rely on someone for childcare but they won't respect your limits.Nedra also discusses her new children's book and works through real scenarios about unwanted gifts, body-shaming comments, and what to do when setting a boundary means potentially losing support you need.
This conversation gets honest about the hard choices enforcing boundaries sometimes requires. Can you really maintain a boundary with someone you depend on? What do you do when the person provides childcare for you?
Nedra offers a clear framework for deciding when to stand firm, how to take action when words aren't working, and why allowing people to be upset with you is part of the process.
Questions this episode will answerHow do you deal with someone who doesn't respect boundaries? Enforce the boundary through your behavior, not just your words. If someone keeps calling during work hours after you've asked them not to, don't answer the phone. If they bring unwanted gifts, donate them immediately or return them to the gift-giver. You can't control what they do, but you can control what you do.
Why is setting boundaries so hard? We often learned in our families of origin that setting boundaries leads to rejection or anger. We worry about people being mad at us, the relationship ending, or being seen as selfish. These fears come from early experiences where our caregivers responded poorly when we tried to express our needs and boundaries.
How do you enforce boundaries when words aren't working? Use behavioral enforcement. Stop answering calls during the times you've said you're unavailable. Use the "fire extinguisher method" to interrupt conversations the moment they start heading toward topics you've said are off-limits. Show through your actions that you meant what you said.
What is the fire extinguisher method for boundaries? Jump in to stop conversations before they get going, the way you'd use a fire extinguisher on a small flame before it spreads. When someone starts bringing up a topic you've clearly said you won't discuss, interrupt them immediately: "I know where this is going, and I don’t want to talk about it.”
Why do people get upset when you set boundaries? Some people are used to being able to say or do whatever they want in the relationship. Your boundary ‘brushes up against’ their expectation of having full access to you or being able to speak freely. They may also genuinely believe you need to hear what they have to say.
Should you be with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries? This depends on the severity of the violation and your level of dependence. If someone provides childcare but also body shames you, you may need to find alternative childcare to truly maintain the boundary. Sometimes you have to choose between the support someone offers and having your boundaries respected. You might accept that certain behaviors come as part of the "package," or you might want to reduce your reliance on that person.
Is setting boundaries selfish? Other people may call you selfish when you set boundaries because your limits inconvenience them or challenge their expectations. But protecting your time, energy, and well-being isn't selfish. Your emotional regulation is not someone else's responsibility, and their emotional regulation is not yours.
What do you do when you rely on someone who won't respect your boundaries? You have to decide whether you can accept that certain boundary violations come with the support they provide, or whether you want to explore other options. This might mean finding alternative childcare, reducing financial dependence, or building a "chosen family" support system.
How do you enforce firm boundaries without cutting people out of your life? You can maintain a relationship while still enforcing boundaries through your behavior. Don't answer calls during work hours even if they keep calling. Stop conversations immediately when they head toward off-limit topics. Return unwanted gifts. You're not ending the relationship - you're defining how it works.
What does boundaries versus control mean? Boundaries are about what you will do, not about controlling what someone else does. Telling someone "don't call me during work" is actually trying to control their behavior. The boundary is: "I won't answer calls during work hours." The distinction matters because you can only control yourself.
What you'll learn in this episodeWhy enforcing boundaries requires behavioral changes, not just verbal statementsHow to use the "fire extinguisher method" to stop conversations that cross your boundariesWhat to do when someone keeps calling, texting, or contacting you after you've asked them not toSpecific strategies for handling unwanted gifts from family members without adding to your mental loadHow to respond when parents or in-laws make repeated comments about your body, parenting, or life choicesWhy "allowing people to be upset with you" is a necessary part of maintaining boundariesWhen you might want to choose between receiving support and having your boundaries respectedHow to know if you should accept boundary violations as part of a "package deal" with childcare or other helpWays to build alternative support systems when family won't respect your limitsThe difference between boundaries (what you control) and attempts to control others' behaviorHow to help kids understand boundaries around physical touch and when you need spaceWhat to say to children who want immediate attention when you're not available
Nedra Glover Tawwab's website:nedratawab.com
Jump to highlights:
01:34 Introduction of today’s guest and today’s topic
04:14 An open invitation to the Black Friday sale coming up in late November
05:03 What is a boundary?
05:25 What’s the difference between a boundary and a limit?
07:34 How does Nedra handle situations when someone keeps ignoring boundaries you've set, even after you've clearly explained why they matter?
16:20 Nedra says, “If we set boundaries for people, we want them to change.”
19:01 Jen and Nedra talk about how to set boundaries when it comes to their children
21:30 Nedra shares about her new children’s book, “What Makes You Happy”
23:59 Wrapping up
24:54 Jen tells where to connect with Nedra Glover Tawwab to access her books, quizzes, and other boundary-setting tools
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Do you ever wake up with tension in your body because you know your child will want to play the moment you walk out of your bedroom? Do you spend time with your child but think about all the chores you should be doing instead? Parent Aija came to a (FREE!) Beyond The Behavior coaching call with exactly this challenge. She plays with her four-and-a-half-year-old son a lot. But she doesn't enjoy it. And she has big feelings of guilt and shame about that. What starts as a question about setting boundaries and making time for herself becomes something much deeper. We discover that Aija's struggle with play isn't really about play at all. When we explore what makes Special Time so hard, we uncover sadness and grief that Aija didn't even realize was there. The messages she received as a child about productivity and being a "good" future wife and mother are still running in the background, making it really hard for her to be present with her son. But we also find three concrete strategies that help Aija see a way forward. By the end of our conversation, her entire demeanor has shifted. She's smiling. She has a plan. We’ll uncover the key reasons why playing with our kids is hard, and how to get the most out of this important time. Questions This Episode Will AnswerWhat is parenting guilt? Parenting guilt shows up when you think you "should" enjoy something but you don't. As Aija describes it: "I don't enjoy just spending time playing. My kids, that's terrible. But it seems that no matter how much Special Time we have, it's not enough for him." It's the gap between the parent you think you're supposed to be and the reality of your experience. Why do I have parenting guilt about not enjoying play? Parenting guilt often comes from comparing yourself to others and from messages you received growing up. When Aija watches her husband play easily with their son, she thinks "I want to be like that" - but that comparison triggers shame, which makes it even harder to make decisions aligned with your values. What is Special Time with your child? Special Time is consistent daily dedicated one-on-one time with your child where they get to choose the activity. The purpose is to meet their need for autonomy, along with their needs for connection, joy, and fun. How is Special Time linked to my child’s behavior? Even just spending 10 minutes consistently with your child can have enormous benefits on their connection with you (and thus their behavior in situations outside of Special Time). Many of the behaviors that parents find irritating (resisting leaving the house in the morning, annoying behaviors, hitting siblings, bedtime stalling) are kids’ best attempt to connect with us - when they do these things, we pay attention to them. When we do Special Time, they’ll likely stop using these behaviors to get your attention/connection. What are the benefits of Special Time? Special Time meets your child's needs for connection, joy, play, and autonomy. When children get their connection needs met consistently, they're less likely to use challenging behaviors to get your attention. As we discover in Aija's situation, her son's morning behaviors (taking her bookmark, throwing blankets over her head) are his way of trying to get connection time. How to do Special Time with kids? Special Time should ideally be 10 minutes of consistent daily play where the child gets to choose the activity. The consistency is really important. It’s much better to do 10 minutes daily than an hour on an unpredictable basis. This communicates to your child: “You’re special. I love you and I want to spend time with you.” How to make Special Time easier? Three strategies can help: First, offer activities you actually enjoy doing together as the default options - for Aija, that meant suggesting Legos or painting first. Second, use Special Time as your mindfulness practice by noticing when your mind wanders to thoughts about chores or productivity, and bringing yourself back to the present moment. Third, have problem-solving conversations about recurring challenges to find strategies that meet everyone's needs. Why does my child whine, cry, and tantrum at the end of Special Time? They do these things because they enjoy it so much - and because they don’t know when they’ll get to have this amazing experience with you again. When you tell them: “Well have Special Time again tomorrow” and then actually do it, they learn to trust you and they stop protesting when it’s over. What causes productivity guilt? Productivity guilt comes from cultural conditioning. As Aija discovered when exploring her childhood: "I think as I got older, it was more about school. You have to get good grades and you have to learn certain skills to function as a future mom." When you're taught that your worth comes from being productive, play can seem like a waste of time. Why do I feel guilty when I'm unproductive? The belief that you should always be productive usually comes from how you were raised. Aija realized: "Play is not productive. Yeah, it seems that's how I grew up." When rest or play triggers thoughts about chores you "should" be doing instead, that's this conditioning at work. How do you meet your needs and your child's needs at the same time? Start by identifying what needs each person has. Then have a problem-solving conversation where everyone describes their ideal experience. Look for strategies that address multiple needs at once - like offering five minutes of connection first thing in the morning to meet your child's need for connection, which then makes it easier for them to give you the time and space you want to drink your coffee and read. How do needs influence behavior? When children's needs aren't met, they find strategies to get those needs met - sometimes through behaviors we find challenging. A child who steals your bookmark or throws blankets over your head is meeting their need for connection by making sure you notice them and don't forget about spending time together. How can I set boundaries with family members without damaging relationships? Boundaries work best as a second-line tool, after you've tried to find strategies that meet everyone's needs. When you meet your child's needs most of the time, they're much more willing to accept boundaries in the moments when you can't meet both of your needs. You may also find you want to set fewer boundaries because when everyone's needs are being met more often, there are fewer moments of conflict. How to get rid of parental guilt? Instead of trying to eliminate guilt, get curious about where it comes from. What messages did you receive growing up about play, productivity, and what makes you valuable? Then work on meeting both your needs and your child's needs through problem-solving conversations and choosing activities you genuinely enjoy doing together. Using playtime as mindfulness practice can also help - noticing thoughts about what you "should" be doing and bringing yourself back to the present moment. Why do I experience play resistance with my child? Play resistance often comes from messages you received growing up about the value of productivity versus play. As Aija discovered, when you were taught to focus on school, achievement, and preparing to be a future spouse and parent, "play is not productive" becomes a deeply ingrained belief that's hard to shake, even when you're with your own child. What You'll Learn in This EpisodeYou'll hear a real coaching conversation with parent Aija, who doesn't enjoy playing with her son and has big feelings of guilt and shame about that. You'll discover:Why disliking play often isn't about the play itself, but about the messages you received growing up about productivity and your worthHow comparing yourself to your partner (who seems to play effortlessly) can trigger shame that makes it even harder to be present with your childThe connection between childhood grief and difficulty setting boundaries with your own childrenThree specific strategies to make Special Time more enjoyable: focusing on activities you actually like doing together, using playtime as mindfulness practice, and having problem-solving conversations about recurring challengesWhy your child's challenging morning behaviors (like stealing your bookmark or throwing blankets over your head - as well as behaviors like resisting leaving the house, doing things you find annoying, hitting siblings, and resisting bedtime) are actually bids for connectionHow to structure an "ideal morning" conversation with your family that identifies everyone's needs and finds strategies to meet themWhy boundaries should be your second-line tool, not your default approachHow meeting your child's needs more consistently actually makes them more receptive to boundaries when you do need to set them
Beyond The Behavior Coaching CallsWant coaching like this for yourself?These Beyond The Behavior calls happen on the second Wednesday of each month from 11 AM Pacific, and they're completely free. You can get coached on whatever challenge you're facing right now, or just listen in while I coach other parents. We usually work with two or three parents on each call. And if you can't make -
Are you tired of feeling guilty every time you get angry as a parent? What if your anger actually contains valuable information about what needs to change in your family systems? Most parental anger management approaches treat all anger the same way - as a problem that requires control. But research shows there are actually two distinct types of parental anger, and understanding this difference changes everything about how you respond. Instead of suppressing your emotions or exploding at your kids, you can learn to use your anger constructively to create positive change for your family. In this episode, you'll discover why traditional anger control methods often backfire and learn a practical framework for responding to your anger in ways that honor both your emotional experience and your family's wellbeing. You'll understand when your anger is pointing to legitimate systemic problems versus when it's signaling you've hit your personal limits. Questions this episode will answerWhy do I get so angry as a parent? Parental anger often emerges when core values around fairness, respect, or safety are violated, or when you're overwhelmed and basic needs aren't being met. What are the two types of anger parents experience? Values-Aligned Anger carries information about legitimate concerns and aims for positive change, while Reactive Anger emerges from overwhelm, triggers, or unmet basic needs. How can I control my anger with my child? The HEAR method (Halt, Empathize, Acknowledge, Respond) provides a framework for responding to anger constructively rather than suppressing or exploding. How does parental anger affect children? When parents model constructive anger responses, children learn that emotions can fuel positive change rather than destruction, and that their voices matter. How do I deal with parental anger issues? Understanding whether your anger is Values-Aligned (requiring systemic changes) or Reactive (requiring self-care and healing) determines the most effective response strategy. What are the symptoms of parental rage? Reactive anger typically comes suddenly with surprising intensity, seems disproportionate to triggers, and leaves you drained, while Values-Aligned anger builds gradually and energizes you toward solutions. What you'll learn in this episodeWhy emotional suppression techniques often backfire and create "emotional rebound" effectsHow to distinguish between Values-Aligned Anger (pointing to systemic problems) and Reactive Anger (signaling overwhelm or triggers)The HEAR method for responding to anger constructively while maintaining family connectionPractical strategies for addressing the mental load and inequitable parenting responsibilitiesHow to model healthy anger responses that teach children their emotions have valueWhen to focus on systemic changes versus personal healing and self-careWhy your anger about impossible parenting standards reflects legitimate concerns about family-unfriendly systemsHow to break the Anger-Guilt Cycle that keeps parents stuck in suppression and explosion patterns
Taming Your Triggers If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you:Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child…Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated…Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them…
…the Taming Your Triggers Workshop will help you. Click the banner to learn more! Jump to highlights01:53 Introduction to today’s episode03:50 Research shows that common anger management advice like breathing exercises and staying calm actually backfires, creating an emotional rebound that makes anger worse05:40 A comprehensive research review by Richard and colleagues examined 46 studies on anger and found that anger serves important functions in our cognitive and emotional systems06:07 The first type of anger, which is the Lordian Rage, according to Philosopher Myisha Cherry, but other researchers call it values-aligned anger or moral anger07:50 The second type of anger is the reactive anger, and it emerges from overwhelm from past triggers getting activated or from basic needs that are not being met09:10 You have to look at your own history and situation to know what kind of anger you’re dealing with12:15 Both types of anger contain important information, but they're most effectively addressed with quite different responses. Jen has created a HEAR method: H for halt, E for empathize, A for acknowledge, and R for respond, which can be used when the anger is already building up21:02 When you feel angry about shouldering a disproportionate share of family responsibilities, your anger reflects broader cultural patterns where domestic labor continues to fall more heavily on women23:42 Ideas that can be gained from the discussion24:40 An open invitation for the Taming Your Triggers workshop -
Do you find yourself going from zero to a hundred in seconds when your child spills something, refuses to cooperate, or has a meltdown? If you're constantly asking yourself, "Why do I keep snapping at my child?" or "Why am I so angry as a parent?" - you're definitely not alone. Many parents struggle with parenting triggers that seem to come out of nowhere, leaving them wondering how such small incidents can create such big reactions. What if your childhood "wasn't that bad" but you're still dealing with parenting anger? In this episode, we explore the connection between unknown childhood trauma and parenting triggers through a real coaching session with Terese, a teacher and mom of three who found herself snapping at her kids despite having plenty of support at home. You'll discover how unresolved childhood trauma in adults shows up in parenting - even when we don't recognize our experiences as traumatic - and learn practical strategies to break generational cycles of yelling and reactivity. Questions this episode will answerCan you have childhood trauma and not know it? Yes - many adults don't recognize patterns like walking on eggshells or constant criticism as signs of unresolved childhood trauma, but these experiences still create parenting triggers and shape how we respond to stress as parents. Why do I get so angry as a parent when my childhood wasn't traumatic? Unknown childhood trauma often involves seemingly "normal" experiences that still create triggers in our nervous system, causing us to react intensely to situations that mirror our past, even if we don't identify our upbringing as traumatic. What are the signs of unresolved childhood trauma in adults? Signs include quick reactivity to minor issues, parenting anger over small things, feeling like everything is "your fault," difficulty with self-compassion, and repeating patterns you experienced as a child - even from childhoods that seemed "fine." How do I stop getting angry with my child? Breaking the cycle of parenting triggers involves recognizing your unknown childhood trauma patterns, meeting your basic needs (like movement and rest), and developing self-compassion instead of self-judgment. How to deal with rage as a parent? Start by identifying your baseline needs, practice self-compassion when you do snap, work to separate your mother's voice from your own thoughts, and understand that parenting anger often stems from unresolved trauma and parenting patterns. Why am I so triggered by my child when I had a normal childhood? Children often activate our own childhood wounds through their behavior, especially when it mirrors situations where we felt criticized or blamed as kids - even in families we remember as loving or "normal." What you'll learn in this episodeYou'll hear how one parent's story of snapping over a bike ride reveals deeper patterns rooted in unknown childhood trauma - growing up with a mother who yelled frequently in what she considered a "normal" household. We explore how seemingly typical childhoods involving walking on eggshells create adults who struggle with self-compassion and parenting triggers, even when they don't identify their experiences as traumatic. Discover practical strategies for addressing unresolved childhood trauma in adults, including how to identify your movement and rest baselines, why self-compassion is crucial for breaking cycles of parenting anger, and how to recognize when you're thinking critical thoughts rather than accepting them as truth. You'll learn why meeting your basic needs isn't selfish when dealing with parenting triggers - it's essential for showing up as the parent you want to be. We also address how unresolved trauma and parenting intersect, showing you how to separate your own childhood experiences from your current parenting challenges. This episode offers hope for parents dealing with anger issues, demonstrating that understanding your triggers - even those rooted in unknown childhood trauma - is the first step toward responding to your kids with more patience and connection, regardless of whether you consider your childhood traumatic. Taming Your Triggers If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you:Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child…Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated…Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them…
…the Taming Your Triggers Workshop will help you. Click the banner to learn more! Jump to highlights01:29 Introduction to today’s episode04:32 Terese is telling her experience where she snapped, from zero to a hundred09:33 Terese shares about her childhood13:18 Terese often notices she sometimes snaps at her children, and she's wondering if this connects to her own childhood experiences with her mother, who often yelled and blamed her25:15 What Terese would advise her friend if that “snapping” situation happened to her32:54 Tools that can help when you feel that you’re about to snap33:55 An open invitation to the Taming Your Triggers workshop -
Every parent knows that harsh inner voice that whispers "You're a terrible parent" when you lose your patience, or "You've ruined your kids forever" after a difficult moment. This episode reveals a simple "magic trick" that can instantly create space between you and those critical thoughts - and it's something anyone can learn. Discover how one powerful phrase can transform your reactions from triggered explosions to curious responses. You'll learn where your inner critic actually comes from (hint: it's often an echo from your own childhood), and how reparenting yourself can break generational cycles of trauma. This episode recaps the following episodes, giving you a lot of the benefit of 3 hours of content, in just 21 minutes:SYPM 017: Reparenting ourselves to create empathy in the world with Amy178: How to heal your inner critic193: You don't have to believe everything you think
Questions This Episode Will AnswerWhat is the inner critic and how does it affect parenting?The inner critic is that harsh, judgmental voice that tells you you're failing as a parent. It often stems from childhood trauma and can trigger explosive reactions to normal child behavior. Where does the inner critic come from?Your inner critic is usually an internalized version of critical voices from your childhood - parents, teachers, or caregivers who couldn't handle your authentic self or big emotions. How do you identify your inner critic?Watch for thoughts using absolute language ("always," "never," "terrible"), character judgments ("I'm a bad parent"), catastrophic conclusions, and voices that sound like critical figures from your past. What does reparenting yourself mean?Reparenting yourself means giving yourself the patience, understanding, and compassion you didn't receive as a child - becoming the caring parent to yourself that you needed growing up. How do you reparent yourself as a parent?Start by questioning your thoughts instead of believing them automatically. When you notice self-critical thoughts, respond to yourself with the same gentleness you'd offer a dear friend or your own child. How can you break the generational cycle of trauma?Use tools like the ‘magic trick’ from this episode to create space between your triggered reactions and conscious responses, allowing you to respond from your values instead of reacting from old wounds. What are common inner critic examples parents experience?"Everyone thinks I'm a bad parent", "I'm raising a disrespectful child", "I've damaged my child forever", "Other parents are better than me", and "I'm just repeating my parents' mistakes". How does childhood trauma affect parenting?Unresolved childhood trauma can make you react disproportionately to normal child behavior, shut down emotionally when children express big emotions, or swing between being too permissive and too strict. What You'll Learn in This EpisodeThe Simple ‘Magic Trick’ That Changes Everything Learn the exact phrase that instantly creates distance between you and your critical thoughts, giving you space to respond differently in challenging parenting moments. Real Parent Examples of Transformation Hear Katie's story of how this technique helped her stop spiraling when her friend didn't call back, and Amy's powerful example of interrupting explosive anger with her children after recognizing the pattern. How to Identify Your Inner Critic Patterns Discover the four key signs that reveal when your inner critic is driving your reactions, including the specific language patterns and emotional triggers to watch for. The Connection Between Childhood Trauma and Parenting Understand how experiences that left you unable to express your authentic self safely create the inner critic voices that get triggered by your children's normal behavior. A 5-Step Practice You Can Use Today Get a concrete framework for noticing stories, adding the "magic words," getting curious about other possibilities, checking your body, and practicing self-compassion. How This Creates Space for Different Choices Learn how stepping back from your thoughts as absolute truth opens up new possibilities for responding to your child's behavior with curiosity instead of reactivity. Breaking Generational Cycles in Your Family Discover how using this technique not only changes your parenting but teaches your children emotional intelligence and conflict resolution skills they'll carry into adulthood. Reparenting Yourself Through Daily Interactions Understand how this simple practice becomes a form of reparenting yourself - giving yourself the patient, understanding voice you needed as a child but may not have received. Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey?If you want to:😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior,😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration,😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment, the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift. Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey. Click the banner to learn more! Printable PDF:5 Steps on Reparenting Yourself: A Magic Trick to Break Your Family's Trauma Cycle Jump to highlights01:28 What’s packed into today’s episode02:19 That voice in our heads that’s constantly judging us and makes parenting so much harder is called the inner critic05:03 How can we identify this inner critic and separate it from what’s really happening? What triggers our inner critic?06:44 You don’t have to believe everything you think14:10 When we believe our thoughts completely, we only see one version of reality, but stepping back to recognize these as thoughts rather than facts opens up new possibilities for how we understand our children, partners, and ourselves as parents15:32 What is reparenting?17:31 Wrapping up - Visa fler
