Avsnitt
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Ancestry Southern European - 62.3% Northwestern European - 29.3% Sub-Saharan African - 0.4% Self-esteem - <0.1% Butter - 1 cup Traits 1. Michael, people with your genetic result tend to have an increased chance of being annoyed that your neighbors still haven't taken in their recycling bins even though it's been four days! Like, why is that so hard? 2. Michael, you are not likely to correctly pronounce the word 'antennae'. You are among a low percentage of people that, despite knowing that it's incorrect, still say the word as 'an-tanna'. This is acute and there is currently no known cure. 3. Michael, you are 30% more likely to convincingly nod in recognition as someone provides you with directions to a nearby location, despite the fact that you can't remember a single street name in the town you've lived in for well over 10 years now. Genetic Health Risks 1. Michael, you have one copy of the FstX variant of the AMC gene. People with this variant have an increased risk of finding little to no entertainment value whatsoever in the seemingly endless Fast & Furious film series. They drove a car into space ffs. 2. Michael, you have two copies of the WtF7 variant of the ThtSml gene. People with this variant can smell a strange odor but have a difficult time discovering its source or even convincing others that it exists at all. How are you the only one that smells that? 3. Michael, you have seven copies of the Uhf2 variant of the SmSng gene. People with this variant have an increased risk of confusing actual childhood memories with plotlines from syndicated television shows. Reminders: You were never stationed at a MASH unit and you never had a neighbor named Kramer. Carrier Status 1. Strong, masculine chin - Variant Absolutely 100% Not Detected. Like, not at all. 2. Hereditary alcoholism - 1 Variant Detected. Carriers of the YeHaW variant, however latent, have an alcoholic gene staggering about their DNA, singing Merle Haggard songs, and yelling insults in the form of malapropisms at the other genes. Wellness 1. Michael, you have a decreased likelihood of shirtless confidence. 61% of customers genetically similar to you will look fine with their shirts off. Not great, but not terrible. Just fine. It's likely no one will mock you, but neither will anyone utter, "Hubba, hubba". 2. Michael, you are more likely to have a very low tolerance for acronym redundancies. 72.5% of customers who are genetically similar will noticeably cringe at redundant terms like 'ATM machine', 'PIN number', or even 'DC Comics'. However, 68.3% possess enough self-restraint to not immediately retort, "GFY yourself."
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When I first saw a picture of an axolotl, smiling cherubically like the baby Jesus swaddled in a blanket made of puppies and peekaboo, I knew I needed to have one. As one of Topeka's Top Pops of TikTok, an adorable axolotl is critical to my work. My mission is to single-handedly create a global culture of mindful parenting, inspire a love of science, restore good manners, end alopecia, and launch a kidrepreneurial revolution that helps set a new central Midwest region monthly sales record for Life Bouquet Living Werks. Thumbnails are how revolutions get started these days, and I figured an aww-worthy axolotl would make mine more popular than Poppatacular Paul. So I ordered one named Dewdrop. Take a look at what I got. No really, look at it. This axolotl is a Ralph at best. It is not cute, charming, beautiful, quirky, or hot. It's frankly got a certain Nicolas Cageyness about it, which is a real party foul in amphibian-based daddyvlogging. What kind of fun, educational, and profitable activities could I film with this axolotl? Kids don't want to make Perler bead keychains of an axolotl that looks like the Wicker Man. I couldn't take it to explore the woods - the woods would run away in terror. And if I used it in a spelling quiz, kids would replace every letter with a big, whining "Y?" Creative writing prompts for older kids are some of my most popular content, but this axolotl is not going to inspire any great novels. It couldn't even inspire a limerick. Shakespeare wouldn't be able to do better than "This bulbous bloated turd unleashed its tail." And let me make something perfectly clear. I am not body-shaming this axolotl. I am a huge proponent of body positivity, as long as it keeps a respectful distance and is properly hashtagged so I can use a bot to automatically post supportive comments without having to see it. I am face-shaming this axolotl. Makeup is cheap and a lot of it is even tested on animals, so this axolotl has no excuse for not fixing its life. And let me tell you what's at stake. Axolotls are a completely untapped content stream among my competitors, which makes them my ticket to the top 50 local dadfluencers. And the top 50 means big business. When you're in the top 50, you can parley a single post into free parking at the train museum, first choice of finger puppets at library story times, or extra sprinkles at Abe's Ice Milk Emporium. By denying me an appropriately attractive axolotl, you're denying my precious Sophie the opportunity to watch her dad enjoy a premium dessert at a standard price. And that's what she wished for on her birthday, as you can clearly see from the caption of my third video from March 23. So I don't care if you're not a pet store. I don't want a pet. I want an engaging visual representation of my quirky yet relatable side. It also needs to be small enough to slingshot into the woods when I'm done with it. The Midwest parenting vlogosphere moves fast, so I'm going to need to find a new gimmick to keep people's attention within a month. When that happens, it's better to let Dewdrop find his own path than letting him become a squidgy millstone around my neck trying to ground me on my journey to TikTok stardom and personal and global fulfilment. I am a wine drinker, a close personal friend of the mayor, and a filer of complaints about every Super Bowl halftime show since Carol Channing. You do not want to fuck with me. Get me a cuter axolotl, now!
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Saknas det avsnitt?
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Asymmetrical. His friends will FAWN over this fashionable flop-top! Fringe. He'll STAGger in this sexy Southwestern style. Side-swept. White-tail buck? More like red-hot hunk! Blunt. DOEn't sleep on this courageously curt coif! Curtain. Oh DEER, the '70's are back! Tiny. A short style will tell the whole herd they've just been CERVID! illustrations by Katy Maiolatesi
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Karen Oak Meadow • 2 wks ago This is an open letter to my neighbor on Pine Creek Lane about respecting boundaries. I'm not gonna name him but it rhymes with Harry. This morning my dog Moe was whimpering and distressed, so I checked the Ring video and saw disturbing footage of you on my driveway carrying my morning paper. I appreciate your moving it off the gutter, but your actions triggered Moe to defend our property. Confronted, you swatted him viciously with the paper. Moe is severely traumatized, and I expect you to pay for his therapy. Also, not trying to be the fashion police here, but those low cut shorts? No one wants to see that. Larry Oak Meadow Karen, your attack dog was going for my jugular. It was either him or me. Frankly you're the one that needs therapy. If it includes a lobotomy, I'll be happy to chip in. Doggo CBD Chewables Sponsored Is your dog overly aggressive? Our chewables will have him chilling like he's at a Phish concert. Take 50% off your first order with promo code MELLOWMUTT. Nancy Oak Meadow • 2 wks ago As president of the Pleasant Hills Preservation Society, I was devastated by the city council's vote to certify the residential zoning changes. While we appeal the decision, I am asking, nay begging, homeowners not to split their lots or build multi units. Don't get me wrong, I love our essential workers. They're the backbone of our society. But we don't want to turn Pleasant Hills into another sh*thole town where they can actually afford to live here. Nelson Oak Meadow Sorry, NIMBY Nancy, but it's too late. I've already split my lot and am installing a nuclear generator on the second one to power my three-story crypto mining rig. Personally, I think this boring town can use a spark! City of Pleasant Hills Civic Center This comment was brought to our attention. Please bear in mind that nuclear reactors are not permitted under the new zoning rules. Nelson Oak Meadow Okay people don't have a meltdown. It's a small modular reactor, not Fukushima. And the energy is carbon free. Isn't that what you eco fascists want? City of Pleasant Hills Civic Center • 13 days ago The city's landfill reduction pilot program is underway. Your organic waste is being converted to fertilizer for local farms. Please keep any inorganic material out of those yellow buckets! Nelson Oak Meadow This is an idiotic idea! You have no idea what people dump in those buckets. I will avoid the farmers market like the plague until this program is stopped. Chester Chatsworth Palmer It's great to see PH being so forward thinking and progressive. Nelson Oak Meadow I'd like to order 3 bags of wool. Because you're a sheep! Karen Oak Meadow • 13 days ago I can't believe I'm saying this, but I found a big dog poop turd on my doorstep this morning. I'm literally shaking. Neighbors: when you walk your dogs, it is your responsibility to carry poop bags and clean up! Larry Oak Meadow That was no dog, I left it myself. Consider it a deposit toward Moe's therapy. 5 12 Lopez Farms Pleasant Hills (Unincorporated) • 10 days ago Hey everyone. Lopez farms is participating in the town's waste fertilizer program. Unfortunately, since yesterday my pig Maybelline is very sick and struggling to breathe. The vet thinks she has a peanut allergy that flared up when she rolled in the tainted dirt. I've set up a GoFundMe campaign to pay for her treatment, please donate whatever you can. For the time being, please keep peanuts out of your organic waste bins. Thank you! Chester Chatsworth Palmer I made a donation and will keep Maybelline in my prayers Nelson Oak Meadow For chrissakes, it's a pig! WTF is the matter with you? Just put it out of its misery and sell us some ham! Improbable Pork Sponsored Do you love pork but can't eat it due to religious or dietary restrictions? Improbable Pork is made from plants, tastes better than the real thing and is both Kosher and Halal certified. Take 20% off your first order with promo code PorkForPeace. Karen Oak Meadow • 6...
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Thank you for purchasing the Sayer 14-inch gas powered chainsaw! We realize you have many choices for heavy duty cutting and severing appliances to buy when you reach a certain age of so-called maturity and we appreciate that you've chosen a Sayer to help scratch your aging itch. We've been manufacturing and selling quality chainsaws for almost 60 years for everyone from the professional logger to the typical American handyman or woman. So we like to think we know a thing or two about our business. We also deeply care about preserving the safety of our customers and anyone within sawing distance of them. So we know you have an urge to mix up some oil and gas and just start cutting into things with machinery that can radically change the quality of life of another human being. PLEASE KEEP READING! THIS IS IMPORTANT! Owning and maintaining a chainsaw of this size and power safely is just as important as the feeling of usefulness you get when you operate one to improve your home and property. Safety is our and should be (we can't emphasize this enough) your first concern before you begin operating any of Sayer's cutting or slicing products. That's why when you open any Sayer product, the first thing you see is this manual. We also know that you're eager to unwrap the packaging material, two cycle your gasoline and immediately start using your Sayer chainsaw without even glancing at the instructions and safety warnings. We realize that reading probably sounds like the most boring alternative activity compared to slicing up boards for your kids' tree house, pruning the trees in your front yard or cutting stuff for the thrill of cutting through something. It's funny I mentioned that because it perfectly encapsulates my first point. CHAINSAWS ARE NOT PLAYTHINGS! We know that you've got a whole workbench and set of tools in the garage that you're finally getting around to using because you realize the cost of hiring professionals is outlandishly expensive. And now that you're at a comfortable level of fiscal stability that allows you a life outside of work, you naturally just want to jump in and using these tools for the sake of using them. You've never ratcheted so many things in your life and they've never given you quite this level of rush until now. The thing is that a ratchet wrench can't cost you the use of muscle groups and vital nerves. Chainsaws should not be used as grownup toys because they are actually dangerous pieces of machinery that are indifferent to what they are cutting through. Chainsaws don't become sentient and yell to their operators, "Hey! There's a finger in the way of my blade! I know you think you're sawing a 2-by-4 for your new porch but you're about to hit a part of your own body!" Even if your Sayer chainsaw could develop the power of speech, it wouldn't be able to finish such a sentence in time before you start screaming and trying to find the nearest cloth to slow your body's blood flow. CHAINSAWS ARE NOT TOOLS FOR PRANKS! If you're a child of the 80s, then you've grown up watching a whole host of horror movies in which loud machinery serves as an effective interruption to an audience's attention pattern i.e. the jump scare. Director Tobe Hooper may have effectively utilized the chainsaw, this staple of slasher classics, to harness the escapist experience of American cinema but he also knew the deadly power this gas cycled machines possess. You SHOULD NOT use a chainsaw to scare or even reenact your favorite scenes from chainsaw based horror films. Even if you take the chain off of the saw and simply rev the loud engine to scare someone who isn't aware of their surroundings, you're still finding pleasure in the suffering of others in order to feel something. THERE'S NO "WINGING IT" WITH CHAINSAWS! Chainsaws can be a useful tool for building and constructing when they are in the right hands. They can also be implements of dismemberment and regret when they are in the wrong hands (and sometimes those p...
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No stranger to courting controversy with Donald Trump, Elon Musk or Shane Gilles, SNL's host was Covid-19. Lorne Michaels was quoted as saying, "The idea behind the show was always to highlight what is currently happening in the culture, regardless of politics, celebrity popularity or a virus that killed over seven million people." Cast members reacted on social media with the announcement. Bowen Yang posted on Instagram a picture of an N95 mask, with the caption, "This week, I'll be playing a character called Bowen Quarantine!" The post was quickly deleted. The cold open sketch had Donald Trump (James Austin Johnson) announcing Covid as his new running mate. Trump said his first day in office he would pardon Covid and they would work together to give an "extra special Terminator style Covid" to give out to the "woke Democrats, enemies of Trump, Taylor Swift and the Charmin bears." Covid got an unintentional laugh by misreading a cue card and instead of saying promising "no more vaccinations" said "no more vasectomies". Covid had a cringey opening monologue. He did an extended bit about how nobody at the beginning of the pandemic knew that Covid also caused intense diarrhea. "It's like,I'm more than just a cough and fatigue!" When there were only a couple laughs from the audience, Covid made a face and said, "I thought that was funny. Oh well." Covid went to the audience for any still lingering questions about the virus. Several cast members (Sarah Sherman, Mikey Day) ignored science questions in favor of asking Covid what his "body count was with celebrities". A third audience member popped up and it was Dr. Anthony Fauci who wanted to know if Covid, "was interested in doing Neil Simon's The Odd Couple at the Long Wharf in New Haven". Covid ended the set with not a joke, but morphing into a new strain of the virus resistant to most vaccines. Covid and SNL chameleon Chloe Fineman played TSA drug sniffing dogs who lost their sense of smell during Covid and it never returned. As they talk about their day to day, drug runners keep coming through with no problem. "I haven't caught anybody in four years. I guess drugs are a thing of the past!" Commercial parody for Whole Foods bringing back pandemic shopping hours only for senior citizens. Covid played the spokesperson and said that, "we first had these special hours because of me but now, these seniors are horny and looking to smash." The commercial continued to interview happy seniors played by various members of the cast who were isolated by Covid four years ago and are now looking for quick hookups near the hot buffet. Covid popped up on Weekend Update dressed as a syringe and playing Ozempic. Covid and Colin Jost could not get through the bit without breaking as Ozempic talked in an unexplained Southern drawl that people are more willing to put Ozempic in their body no questions asked than the Covid vaccine, "And, hell, that good for ol' Ozempic." Covid petitioned that the musical guest be known anti-Covid vaxxer, Eric Clapton. Clapton sang his hits, "Cocaine" and "Knockin' On Heaven's Door." Clapton was absent from the goodnights which was later found out to be because he contracted Covid, measles and polio. The last sketch was a video by Please Don't Destroy. The boys were working in their office and John and Martin find out to prevent Covid transmission, Ben is still wiping down all his groceries. Ben ends up wiping down the entire world and the sketch ends with Ben walking down the hallways in the office only to inhale Covid from saying "hi" to Tina Fey. The one show ended with the usual goodnights with Covid thanking the cast and crew for a great show. He laughed and shouted over the music out that new CDC standards allow all of them to return to work in two days if they don't have a fever. The real surprise was when Meningitis (like Dave Chappelle earlier this season) jumped on stage from the audience to wave goodbye. Bowen Yang was visibly upset by Measles and left t...
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Tabloid publisher David Pecker says he pledged to be Trump campaign's 'eyes and ears' during 2016 race. Buying and killing Trump stories that might hurt his Presidential campaign. A few you've heard of, Stormy Daniels, Playboy model Karen McDougal…but a few you might not have yet… Donald Debuts New Diamond Flecked Merkin At Epstein Island Soiree Trump's "Mushroom" Not As Fun As Other Types Of Mushrooms, Report NYC Call Girls Trump Takes Pet Rock To Baseball Game Instead Of Eric Trump Sues Teen Boy For Purchasing Last Several Pieces Of Extra Crispy At KFC. Donald's Illuminati Application Rejected Again, Citing "Applicant's Ridiculous Physical Appearance" Trump Pays Fortune To Have Abortion Clinic Built Directly Onto Epstein Island Ranch Dressing Fountains Placed Into Trump Apartment Bathrooms Trump Reads Necronomicon To Children During Local Preschool Story Hour Trump Visits Occupants Of Homeless Shelter, Voraciously Absorbs Life Energies Of Same Donald Trump Complains "Heil Hitler" Motion Too Similar To Exercise
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Up Before The Byrds New Order in My Morning Pill Lineup RUSH to Bingo Jane's Golden Girls Addiction Tears for Fears of What Will Happen If I Don't Forward This Chain Letter Booming Talk Radiohead The Who? Cypress Over the Hill Double Trouble Opening a PDF NWAARP The Walk-In Tub Doors NSYNC with this Cruise Ship's Buffet Rotation Cheap Trick-or-Treaters Also Get Toothbrushes The White-Haired Stripes U2 Can Join Our Bridge Club Green Daytime Nap ZZZZZ Top Abdicated Kings of Leon Blind Faith that No One's Behind Me When I'm Backing Up The Cars Following Me Impatiently The Kinks in My Back Weakened Immune System of a Down The Jackson 5 p.m. Dinner Reservation Red Hot Chili Peppers Require An Antacid Coldplay Bing Crosby on the Jukebox My Great-Grandfather Knew Thomas Jefferson Airplane UB40-Year Class Reunion Coming Up Foreigner to TikTok Blues Mobility Scooter Traveler Rage Against the CPAP Machine The Villages People The Bald Eagles
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1. Propose trust falls as a team-building exercise, then let them hold you there with your head back for a bit. 2. Put a mask on and make others feel bad for not doing so. 3. Explain that a recent article in the Wall Street Journal reported that bloodletting increases productivity. 4. Say it's just allergies. 5. Cover your mouth with prayer hands, look to the floor for several minutes, and then, once the blood has clotted, dramatically look up and say, "I say we sell." (Only works if selling the company is a good idea.) 6. Ask if anyone wants any since you're a universal donor. (Only works if you're O-negative) 7. Hold your coffee mug up to your mouth as though you're taking a sip and leave it there until it either fills up or the meeting ends. 8. Distract the group by snapping a pen in your breast pocket and pretending your carotid artery burst. 9. Face away from the table and make an impassioned speech about changing the world through people-oriented sales tactics while standing by the window and peering down at the bustling city below you. 10. Turn your camera off. (Only works on Zoom.)
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Q: If you had one piece of advice for making a great Seder, what would it be? A: Dude, it's in the title. Don't bring up Israel. Q: How long should the Seder be? A: Ideally, it should consist of a 30 second summary of the Passover story before moving on to food. In actuality, it'll be about 19 hours of story during which your father will expound at length about how medieval rabbis disagree about the various numerological implications of the number of plagues. You'll also do dayenu nine times using nine different tunes even though no one knows any of the words after the first verse. Q: Should I eat the kosher-for-Passover cake? A: Would you enjoy eating a pile of sand seasoned with human tears? If so, have at it. Q: How much charoset is too much? A: There is no such thing as too much charoset. Q: How would you explain Manischewitz wine to a gentile at your Seder? A: Pixie-stick-flavored Jewish moonshine. Q: Can I eat peanut butter during Passover? A: No one knows. But two points here. 1) You don't keep Passover, so hard to see why it matters. And 2) if you're a Sephardic Jew, you get to do whatever the fuck you want. Q: Really? Can you, like, convert to being a Sephardic Jew? A: Probably not? The irony being that Sephardic Jews aren't bound by any rules, so if you were Sephardic, you could convert, but then you wouldn't need to. Interesting paradox. Hang on, I should write this down. Q: None of this seems to be accurate. Did you not go to Hebrew school or something? A: Actually, I attended an outrageously expensive Hebrew day school for 12 years. Took Talmud classes and everything. Q: Christ. A: Yeah, him I know about. Q: Seriously though, how do I bring up Israel in a way that sparks a thoughtful conversation in which we exchange competing ideas in a respectful, productive manner? A: That is literally impossible. Don't bring it up. Q: What if I feel a deep sense of moral urgency to talk about it? A: There are many wonderful organizations you can give to. Political actions you can take. Talking to your dumbass family at a Seder is not going to be productive. Q: What if this is the year I convince my most abrasive, intransigent relatives of the correctness of my beliefs? A: Are you even listening to yourself right now? Q: Can I bring up Anne Frank? A: Why would you bring up Anne Frank? Q: I dunno. I'm a depressed Jew, and Israel is off-limits. A: Maybe don't talk at all. Just grit your teeth and suffer through it. Q: If everyone dreads family Seders, why do we keep doing them? A: The terms of all family engagements are very clear: 1) sit in traffic for many hours; 2) eat the culinary equivalent of packing peanuts, 3) leave exhausted and emotionally bludgeoned because someone brought up Israel; 4) vow to never do it again; 5) get guilted into doing it again. Q: How are we supposed to avoid any mention of Israel when the central refrain of the Passover story - and, really, the whole point of the exodus from Egypt - is "Next year in Jerusalem?" A: Good point. Maybe try changing the story. After all, good writing is good rewriting. Q: So "Next year in Hoboken?" A: Next Year in Hoboken!
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Nike's reveal of their new Team USA uniforms were met with some surprise last week, when the female bottoms barely covered the genitals of the athletes. Product Name Pitches For The New Team USA Women's Olympic Uniform Hoo-Ha Hammock Red, White, And Bush Crotch Canoe Victorious Vulva Viewer Box Blaster Lady Liberty Labia Lance Beaver Balance Beam USA FUPA Finder Clitoris Concealer Patriotic Pussy Preview Cunt Chafer Furburger Freedom Floss Tuna Taco Tightrope The Ol' Vajazzle Dazzle Twat Trapeze Muff Marquee You're A Grand Old Clam The Full Brazilian Star-Spangled Snatch Sling
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Preferred Schwarzenegger on The Apprentice. Appears to be an actual Christian, rather than a Trump Christian. Elderly man with full head of hair and a naturally healthy complexion. Nazi related tattoos and clothing (although pull aside and arrange possible future speaking engagements at upcoming Trump rallies) Female juror who was a 5, at best a 6. Became agitated and had to be removed when he realized he couldn't bring his tiki torches into the courthouse. Once went to McDonald's for lunch and ordered a salad. Professional mushroom farmer. Rudy Giuliani in disguise, attempting to get closer to Trump. Liberace impersonator who reminded Trump too much of Lindsey Graham. Guy who just wanted a refund for the Trump golden shoes that had given him several ingrown toenails.
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Fundrelshut (adj) - Describes a food that is perfectly boiled. Omaditenadvizen (noun) - When your Oma tells you to choose a more practical career path. Roschteschiser (adj) - Used to describe a strikingly life-like Haribo gummy bear. Volklpaß (noun) - A family that owns only one Volkswagen, despite having quite a large garage. Fustlaugern (verb) - To go as quickly as one can while riding a public bicycle. Fraffelkatten (noun) - A Christmas Market/Schnitzel shop by day, Christmas Market/biergarten by night. Deutchengrubbenick (noun) - The inability to eat any more German food in one sitting. Spouselvalken (verb) - To hike silently next to your wife of 30 years. Skät (adj) - Used to describe a speedy Bundesliga winger. Kanotbronzenteime (noun) - The sinking feeling that it's going to take a lot more than a week in Majorca to be visibly tan. Draoug (noun) - One handful of beer. Könbleiben (noun) - The realization that you no longer fit into your lederhosen due to one too many draougen. Aufenphewel (noun) - The sense of relief one feels when they see a service worker who isn't dressed like a Bavarian milkmaid. Sibileinfestle (adj) - Describes an event where everyone looks like they are siblings. Munchevinderblinder (noun) - No discernable translation.
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Citizens provide personal accounts of the other side of Donald Trump. Mary from Berkeley: I was at the zoo. There was a baby rhino that wouldn't drink its milk. None of the zookeepers were having any luck. Suddenly, a man emerged from the crowd that had formed. "Mind if I give it a shot?" It was Donald. He asked if I would hold his jacket as he climbed over the fence. He took that baby rhino, cradled it in his arms, and put the bottle in its mouth. As the rhino suckled, Donald caressed its head, and I could faintly hear him whisper, "It's going to be okay, sweet one." Jodi from Boulder: I was only halfway across the street in my wheelchair when one of my wheels became stuck. I panicked. The light was about to change and I couldn't move. Out of nowhere, a large man bounded into the street. It was Donald. With one hand halting traffic, he guided me to safety. I tried to thank him, but Donald wasn't interested. "Where is the nearest hardware store?" he kept asking. When I finally answered him, he quickly helped me into his Prius and took me straight there. Donald purchased the appropriate tools and proceeded to personally fix the faulty wheel in question. He also bought me a backup chair, but I haven't used it yet because this one works better than ever. Thanks, Donald! Ray from Philadelphia: I was checking out at the supermarket and when I looked in my wallet, I realized that I didn't have enough money to cover my groceries. As I began deliberating which items I would have to put back, I heard a voice behind me. "Let me cover this for you." It was Donald. I tried to decline but it was no use. In fact, he doubled down further and paid for everyone else in line. That still wasn't enough for Donald though. Later, when I was loading my groceries into my car, he came running over with a check for $100,000. As he handed it to me, he looked concerned. "Do you think that will be enough?" he asked, a slight tremble in his voice. I was speechless. He then gave me his personal cell number and insisted that I call him if things ever got hard again. Lucy from Portland: I was crying on the street after losing my job and my boyfriend breaking up with me, all on the same day. Everyone else just passed me by, but suddenly I heard a voice. "Are you all right, dear?" I lifted my eyes and saw the look of a kind soul, a person trying to reach out. It was Donald. I told him what happened. He took me out for coffee, then offered to cover my full tuition to get my master's as well as pay for a dating coach until, in his words, "We find you the happiness you deserve." Craig from San Francisco: It was a huge fire and it was obvious that the firefighters were understaffed. Suddenly, a large man in a suit grabbed a hose. It was Donald. One of the firefighters told him to put it down, that he was violating protocol. Donald would hear none of it. "Punish me later! People's lives are at stake right now!" he shouted as he dashed into the flames. Sarah from Seattle: I was walking in the park early one morning and I saw a man crouched on the ground, working in the soil. As I got closer, I could see that it was Donald. I asked him what he was doing. He told me that he was planting a beautiful tree, which would reach full maturity in 50 years. I guess my eyes betrayed a look of sadness because Donald picked up on it immediately. "I see you're doing the math," he said with a warm smile. "And now you're wondering why I'm doing this if I won't be alive to see the fruits of my labor." I nodded, to which Donald responded with a proverb. "Society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in." I felt a renewed faith in humanity upon witnessing this profoundly selfless act. With tears in my eyes, I thanked him for his service to the community and continued my walk. I can't tell you which park we were in because Donald asked that I keep that private. He feared that a media frenzy would "violate the sanctity of the bond between man a...
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As dusk settles on a long day, a unique gathering commences. Nowhere in the world is more alive with energy than this place we visit today: the collaborative Google doc. And here, in this remote corner of the mighty internet, life thrives as an ecosystem of fauna commingles on the evening before a big client presentation. The first creature we're privileged to lay our eyes on is the Anonymous Fox. Its jittery movements indicate it's got nothing to add but it's ready to insert comments before you're even halfway through writing a sentence. Beside it stands the Anonymous Buffalo. Quiet and generous, its presence soothing, it's only here to fix people's typos. But before we're too reassured, with a gentle rumble comes Anonymous Turtle. A living testament to nature's wonders, this survivor still types two spaces after a period that a younger pup will need to fix before morning breaks. A stone's throw away, we notice the glimmer in the eyes of the Anonymous Lemur. It will watch you type all night, its ever-moving cursor following your every keystroke. Following its moves, we see Anonymous Hedgehog, obviously your manager, known for moving slides around at will. Right now, it's quiet, and all around the beasts eye it cautiously. The gentle rustling halfway through the document announces the next animal, the Anonymous Hedgehog. It's impossible to take our eyes off its movements, as it has been trying to spell "entrepreneurship" for the last five minutes straight. From a short distance, Anonymous Crow and Anonymous Tiger have stopped their graph-making to stare and cheer it on, as if saying "no, that word doesn't have one 'o' in it, but we believe in you." Bounding over is the Anonymous Chipmunk. Throughout the evening, it'll pop in and out, revealing itself to be a coworker on vacation who can't help himself. Swiftly, the Anonymous Cheetah approaches. Hurried and lost, this feline looks ready to ping all those around asking why she's only been given comment access. Out from the shadows comes Anonymous Capybara. It's our Oxford comma police, our shepherd of font sizes, and therefore obviously Bill, no question about it. Suddenly, with a dark blue flash, the animals all freeze in place. What could this be? At a closer look we see that Anonymous Iguana has highlighted the entire document. One wrong keystroke and it could delete the entire presentation. Among the scramble, one beast stays in place, mysteriously vigilant. Unannounced until this moment, we wonder what to make of the Anonymous Rhino. Who could this be? What could it want? Ah yes, it's just you, in a different browser tab. A ping on the side saves our band of beings, and the document is once again ready to continue its edit session. As in celebration, a stunning ballet of cursors is performed by Anonymous Squirrel, Anonymous Koala, and Anonymous Python. This is the team on the West Coast, a group that has been told to return to the office and now spends their days like this, typing up comments to one another from their desks, their headphones on until it's time to head back home. Such is the magic of the collaborative Google doc, a place where teamwork intertwines with self-promotion; where every creature, no matter how junior, plays a part in the dance of capitalism. Tomorrow we begin it all anew once a vice-president decides to pivot direction in the morning. Nature's wonders never cease to amaze.
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When Donald Trump was elected president, America's honeymoon was officially over. He fanned the flames of division, and made it a point to split the country down the middle. And as with any separation or divorce, each side is due their community property. But how to decide who gets what? Well, here is your handy official guide: MAGA gets: Wal Mart Everyone else gets: Target MAGA gets: Kid Rock Everyone else gets: Anything else. Literally, anything else. MAGA gets: Cracker Barrell Everyone else gets: Cracker Barrell via Uber Eats MAGA gets: New members to train for militia Everyone else gets: Birth control. MAGA gets: Prom Everyone else gets: Bring your daughter to work day MAGA gets: Weekend hunting trip. Everyone else gets: Weekend of running and hiding from crazed Trump voters in the wild. MAGA gets: Daily bomb assembly lessons. Everyone else gets: Home schooling. MAGA gets: Book burning. Everyone else gets: Burning carbs. MAGA gets: Threatening political rivals. Everyone else gets: Threatening to move to Canada. MAGA gets: Crack houses Everyone else gets: Bounce houses
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Dear Family and Frenemies, We hope that you, like us, have had a wonderfully miserable holiday season. This year we have counted myriad blessings, unique new forms of torture, and many fulfilling career developments in the descendants of my bloodline. My son, Baron Vladimir Harkonnen reclaimed the Siridar Fief of Arrakis from the contemptibly kind Duke Leto, finally achieving his lifelong goal of destroying the house of Atreides (yay!) and restoring a social order built on treachery and punishment. It seems like just yesterday I was giving him his first oil and balsamic vinegar bath! In another exciting career development, my grandson Glossu Rabban (his friends call him "Beast" ever since he strangled his father) was appointed Governor of Arrakis! Before anyone starts throwing out terms like "nepo baby," I can assure you he climbed to the top of the Harkonnen hierarchy through our traditional family values of deceit, trickery, and assassination. Outside of work, Beast continues to volunteer at his neighborhood slave-auction ring and be an active member of the weightlifting community. Feyd-Rautha started off the year per-usual as the family favorite, killing not one but three Atreides slaves (one of which wasn't even drugged!) in a Gladiatorial match that drew rave reviews in all of our state-controlled media outlets. I was in the front row cheering him on with a bag of orange slices in case he needed them (but of course he didn't!). Feyd-Rautha also became Governor of Arrakis and quickly took to 1. Exterminating the Fremen rats, 2. Passing the Gom Jabbar "Test of Humanity" with flying colors, and 3. Slitting the throats of his many Darlings not because they did anything but just because he felt like it. Some people might think he's an overachiever, I just think he's a Harkonnen Lastly, we ended up having a somewhat unexpected family reunion when we discovered a couple of brand new relatives: Lady Jessica and Paul Atreides! This was hard to believe at first but it was confirmed by both the 'Water of Life' and by '23,000-and-Me.' It was so lovely and meaningful to reconnect them with our heritage and I'm happy to report that the family reunion ended in a brutal knife fight. I couldn't be prouder to see that Jessica's son Paul has lived up to his family tradition of ambition, hatred and violence. Since murdering the Baron and conquering Arrakis, Paul has not only usurped Emperor Shaddam IV (starting a galaxy-wide jihad which is sure to kill millions) but also cheated on his long-time girlfriend. Paul now fancies himself unbound by the constraints of monogamy but I suspect we may hear some wedding bells in the future for him and Princess Irulan! Perhaps a new addition to the family is on the way!? (Haha I know, I know! I'm sorry Paul but this is what great-grandmas are here for!) All jokes aside, it has been wonderful to see all the descendants of my bloodline doing work they love, taking risks and succeeding, and making use of all of their talents. Everything they do, they do with such malice. Words cannot express how fortunate and grateful we are for our horrible family, frenemies and now… freMenemies (LOL). Cold regards, Victoria Harkonnen
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1. Upchuck 2. Sense8 3. Iron Fist 4. Everything Sucks 5. Altered Carbon 6. Tuca and Bertie 7. Snowflake Mountain 8. Jessica Jones 9. Burna Boy 10. Doja Cat 11. Lil' Yachty 12. Everything Sucks! 2024 Coachella Act: 1, 4, 9, 10, 11 Canceled Netflix Show: 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 8, 12
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For the past several centuries, showers have overtaken our country. Showers have taken the phrase "April showers bring May flowers" and weaponized it to control an entire country of people. Now look at the state of the bathroom. It's a disgrace! Look at yourself in the mirror. There's pubic hair everywhere, there's black mold in the grout, and the water's rising because of a clog. You deserve a better kind of body bathing during the month of April. You need…a bath. In the news and mainSTREAM media, I have been ridiculed left and right about some missteps in my past. My critics claim that I'm too young and scrappy, and only kids take me. I've been accused of tepid and lukewarm bath water during the last election cycle. Some have even profiled me as really gross, because it feels like you're sitting in your own filth. Showers have gone on campaigns and told crowds to "drain the swamp"-but, you know what? The water feels fine in here. I'm not the same bath I was four years ago. I have a lot more to offer now, like health care for all (hello, Dr. Teal's!) and healthy, curtain-free trade relationships with other countries like my Italian counterpart, the Jacuzzi. Also, if you haven't noticed, bubble baths are so back. We're popping, baby. I mean, have you seen Pretty Woman? Bathing with me is a vote for relevance and progressiveness! While I'm known for my squeaky clean reputation, guess what? I'm not afraid to play a little dirty. Now my leaky adversary, the shower, has been controlling the levels of our society in April for far too long. We are so tired of the indecisive leadership they've shown, are they hot, are they cold? Pick a side! People who like to shower aka "Showerheads," say they love doing it because they like to "clear their head." But those hollow, mean clean machines are misguided. The bathroom is for reading and enriching the mind. Why else do you think there are 10-year-old People magazines next to the toilet? Bath time is for reading steamy romance novels and it's why the average bathtub bather has a higher IQ according to my research. When you're with me, you have my commitment to one temperature. Besides the hot and cold temperament of my incumbent, we've seen the shower fall under pressure during an attack from a foreign enemy. Yes, I'm talking about the attack of someone flushing the toilet when someone's in the shower, freezing them to death with ice cold water. It's vital under my April Administration that we defend our borders. I'm not afraid to deploy my bath bombs if provoked! One thing I don't have to offer yet, is campaign merch. But that's only because I haven't been able to land on a slogan that I'm 100% passionate about. I've been kind of workshopping some slogans that could replace "April showers bring May flowers" for when I (hopefully) win. I haven't landed on one just yet, but I really think I'm getting close. There's "It's Our Time: Bath Time," which I really think could bring the party together. Make us feel as one unified pool of water, right? Then there's "Baths For the People," which I'm going back and forth on…on one hand, it's a powerful stream, but on the other, it seems a little ripped off Les Mis, does it not? And then, I've also been toying with "Make America Take Baths Again" which I really think could look great monogrammed on a nice set of bath towels. Anything to spread the word! Under my lead, we will clog the hate coming from the shower. I'm not afraid to reach across the tub and invite people over for a bath. It is as powerful of an act as bathing with your little brother or sister when you were 2 years old or if you're a gay couple like Bert and Ernie. Additionally, I'm prioritizing conservation with my promise to bring back the rubber duckies back to America's tubs, saving them from near extinction after the rise of the Shower Empire. The seas will be filled with Mother Goose and her little ducklings as you soak in your dirt and you'll never feel better, I promise that. F...
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