Avsnitt
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Here's something I keep seeing in my office that almost nobody has language for. Your body and your nervous system run on completely different timelines. Your labs can be clear. Your divorce can be final. Your treatment can be done. And your nervous system can still be living inside the chapter you just survived, because nothing about getting through a hard thing actually tells your body it is safe to stop bracing.
In this episode, I sit down with Amy Kurtz, the patient advocate who spent close to two decades trying to figure out why her body kept shutting down on her. Amy is a Hachette author whose new book But You Look Fine launches the day after this episode airs, and she coined a phrase for the exact experience I just described. She calls it Medical Trauma Brain. Her message has been endorsed by Mark Hyman, her own physician, and by David Perlmutter, Kris Carr, and Sharon Salzberg. After 36 doctors and a late-stage neurological Lyme diagnosis at 35, she didn't just heal physically. She figured out the part nobody warned her about. The part that comes after.
In This Episode
The exact phrase Amy's husband said in their kitchen that finally named what she could not name herself
Why the gap between "you should be fine now" and "I do not feel fine" is not a personal failing
Why this pattern is not just for chronic illness, it shows up after divorce, postpartum, fertility, caregiving, and any long hard chapter
The five non-negotiables Amy now uses to decide whether a doctor is worth her time
Why women carry this harder than men, both clinically and culturally
What active movement actually does for an overstimulated nervous system (it is more than you think)
The one tool Amy would give a woman tonight who is recognizing herself for the first time
How to stay connected to the people you love when you are the person who is not okay
This episode is for anyone who has technically gotten through something hard and quietly cannot understand why she still does not feel like herself. The illness that finally has a diagnosis. The divorce that is actually final. The postpartum body that healed on paper. The job she finally left. The caregiver who buried the person she was caring for and woke up the next morning still bracing. If you have been told you should be fine by now, and you are not, this conversation is going to give you language for what is actually happening in your body and a way forward that respects the timeline.
Episode Breakdown:
00:02:04 The Gap Between Sick and Well Nobody Warned You About
00:05:10 36 Doctors and One Diagnosis: Amy's Story
00:13:25 What Is Medical Trauma Brain?
00:14:54 Why Your Body Still Doesn't Feel Safe (Even Though You're Fine)
00:21:05 How to Advocate for Yourself in a System That Won't
00:45:03 How to Regulate Your Nervous System After Trauma or Illness
00:51:01 The Wider Lens: Why This Isn't Just About Illness
00:56:00 The One Tool I'd Give a Woman Tonight
Resources:
Read the full article on this conversation, including everything we mentioned and where to find Amy's work
Wondering what is keeping you stuck? Take our free What's Holding You Back quiz
Ready to talk to someone about what you are carrying? Book a free consultation
If a friend has been telling you she is fine and you can tell she is not, send her this episode. She will be glad you did.
XO,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Growing Self
Special thanks to this month’s sponsors of the podcast:
Upwork — When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.
Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.
OSEA — Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order.
LNutra Prolon — A science-backed, plant-based nutrition program that supports fat loss, metabolism, cellular rejuvenation, and overall longevity. Head to ProlonLife.com/LHS for 15% off your first order + a bonus gift. -
You have ten options on the table. Three of them are interesting. One of them might be the right one. And you have been staring at this list for eight months without choosing anything. Here is something I did not expect to learn after fifteen years of doing career coaching with people in exactly this place: it is almost never the options that are the problem. It is what you are doing while you wait for one of them to feel obviously right.
In this episode, I sit down with Megan Rankin, a certified career counselor on my team at Growing Self who holds a master’s degree in career development and a clinical therapy background. Megan spends her days with smart, capable people who are objectively successful and quietly miserable, and she joined me to talk about why the work of finding your passion almost always starts by looking backward, not forward. We get into the specific reason a 29-year-old can wake up one morning and not recognize the career they built, the question Megan asks every new client before she lets them touch their resume, and the threshold a person actually has to cross before a career change is the right move instead of a reaction to burnout.
In this episode
The exact question Megan asks in the first session that surfaces every career pattern a client is going to bring with them
Why looking forward at your future is the wrong place to start, and the past-tense exercise that gives people clarity faster than any aptitude test
How to tell the difference between a career that is genuinely wrong for you and a career you are unhappy in because of burnout, and why the answer changes everything
The 10-year vision exercise Megan walks her clients through, and the specific details to include (where you live, who you live with, what is in your fridge) that make it actually useful
Why people in the 28 to 32 age range hit this wall so consistently, and what is structurally happening in a life that creates it
The hidden interview skill that comes from doing the inner work first, and why employers respond to it before you finish the sentence
What to do when you have 10 options and cannot pick any of them, and the question that collapses the list down to two
This episode is for anyone who has built a career that looks good on paper and feels wrong on a Monday morning. The kind of person who has been told they should be grateful, who has worked hard to get where they are, and who is starting to wonder out loud, for the first time, whether the path they have been walking is actually theirs. If you have ten options and cannot pick one, if you have one option and dread it, or if you are in the in-between where nothing is bad enough to leave and nothing is good enough to stay for, this conversation is for you.
Episode Breakdown:
00:00 Getting Unstuck When You Have Too Many Options
05:12 Career Crossroads: How to Navigate Paralysis and Indecision
11:08 Life Design vs. Job Search: Shifting How We Think About Career
18:39 Finding Your Passion by Reflecting on the Past
27:26 The “Quarter-Life” Crossroads: Making Sense of How You Got Here
30:12 Burnout or Misalignment? How to Tell the Difference
34:45 The 10-Year Vision Exercise That Brings Long-Term Clarity
36:44 Why Big Career Decisions Shouldn’t Happen During Burnout
Resources
Companion article on the blog (full resource list, references, and related episodes)
Free What’s Holding You Back quiz — the 20-question self-assessment that helps you see what is actually keeping you stuck
Career Coaching Services at Growing Self — work one-on-one with a career coach on my team
Schedule a free consultation
If something in this conversation landed somewhere specific, that is the signal to talk to someone. The career coaches on my team at Growing Self spend their days with people exactly where you are, and the first conversation is free. Not a sales pitch, just a real conversation about what is actually going on and whether the work we do here is the right fit for you.
xoxo,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Special thanks to this month’s sponsors of the podcast:
Upwork — When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.
Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.
OSEA — Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order.
LNutra Prolon — A science-backed, plant-based nutrition program that supports fat loss, metabolism, cellular rejuvenation, and overall longevity. Head to ProlonLife.com/LHS for 15% off your first order + a bonus gift. -
Saknas det avsnitt?
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By the end of the gratitude journal, the breath work, the affirmation in the mirror, you felt worse, not better. You're not failing at positivity. You're using tools that were never designed to do what you're asking them to do.
In this episode, I sit down with Dr. Deepika Chopra, the clinical health psychologist known as The Optimism Doctor and the author of the new book The Power of Real Optimism. Deepika has spent over a decade studying why optimism is a skill, not a personality trait, and her work has appeared everywhere from the TODAY Show to Forbes to Vogue. She joined me to explain why forced positivity actually makes anxiety worse, and what real, durable optimism looks like when you stop performing it and start practicing it.
In this conversation, you'll learn:
Why an optimist isn't someone who feels good all the time, and what they're actually doing differently in their head
The exact reason 'I am confident' affirmations can deepen self-doubt, and how to phrase them so your brain stops detecting them as a lie
The specific moment Deepika's optimism work was tested in the hardest way it could be, and what shifted for her in the middle of it
Why scheduling worry time actually reduces anxiety instead of feeding it
The ta-da list (yes, ta-da) and why it rewires what your brain pays attention to at the end of the day
The one mental shift that moves you from rumination to agency when nothing about your circumstances has changed
What modeling real optimism for the people who love you actually looks like, especially if those people are your kids
This episode is for anyone who has tried to think their way into feeling better and quietly felt like a fraud doing it. If you've ever closed a self-help book and felt worse, if you've ever heard someone say 'good vibes only' and wanted to throw something, if you're currently navigating something genuinely hard and tired of being told to look on the bright side, this conversation will give you something more honest, and more useful, than any of that.
Episode Breakdown
00:00 The Permission You Didn't Know You Needed
04:38 How Dr. Deepika Became the Optimism Doctor
18:20 What Real Optimism Actually Is (And What It Isn't)
23:55 Why Most Approaches to Positivity Backfire
27:25 The Brain Is an Anticipatory Organ
31:15 How to Find Agency When Everything Feels Out of Control
46:35 The Ta-Da List and Why It Works
48:55 Scheduled Worry Time (Yes, Really)
51:30 Modeling Optimism for the People Watching You
54:00 What Real Resilience Actually Builds
Resources
Full episode article and resources
Free What's Holding You Back? quiz
Life coaching with our team
Personal growth coaching
If something in this conversation landed for you, share it with one person. You probably already have someone in mind, the friend who's been white-knuckling their way through something hard. Send it to them. And follow the show wherever you listen so you don't miss what's coming next.
XO,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Growing Self
Special thanks to this month’s sponsors of the podcast
Upwork — When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.
Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.
OSEA — Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order.
LNutra Prolon — A science-backed, plant-based nutrition program that supports fat loss, metabolism, cellular rejuvenation, and overall longevity. Head to ProlonLife.com/LHS for 15% off your first order + a bonus gift. -
A year. Two years. Five years. Ten years. Still stuck on the same person. If that is you, this episode is not going to tell you to give it more time.
In this episode, I sit down with my colleague Jesse Stanley, a licensed marriage and family therapist and board-certified coach who co-facilitates our Heartbreak Recovery Intensive with me here at Growing Self. Between us, we have watched a lot of people walk in still tangled up in a relationship that ended months or years ago, and walk out free of it. Jesse joined me to talk about what we have seen actually work, including the one reframe that unlocks years of stuckness for almost every person we meet.
In this episode:
The factory accident sign that explains why you have been resetting your healing clock for years without realizing it
Why a breakup mimics the symptoms of PTSD, and what is actually happening in your nervous system
The exact reason your thinking brain and your attachment brain disagree about whether to text your ex back
Why heartbreak recovery groups move people faster than years of one-on-one therapy
The closure myth that keeps people waiting for an apology from someone unable to give it
The airplane metaphor that finally lets you accept the good parts of a relationship that had to end
Why most therapists are not trained in heartbreak recovery, and what to look for instead
The reclaim-the-song, reclaim-the-room experiment that does more than years of talking about feelings
Why this matters
This episode is for anyone who has been stuck on a past relationship long enough to be embarrassed about it. The person you cannot stop checking in on. The relationship that ended a long time ago but somehow still has a vote in your life. The voice in your head that keeps telling you that you should be over this by now. We see you, and we have seen this. There is a way through, even if it has been years.
Episode Breakdown
00:00 Stuck on Your Ex for Years? It's Not a Life Sentence
05:45 Why You Can't Stop Resetting the Recovery Clock
09:30 Why a Breakup Feels Like Physical Withdrawal
12:30 The Difference Between Thinking Brain and Attachment Brain
14:30 Why Groups Move You Faster Than One-on-One Therapy
22:50 Closure Is Something You Give Yourself
26:30 Taking Your Power Back After a Breakup
30:00 Why Therapy Alone May Keep You Stuck
34:00 How to Actually Start Healing From a Broken Heart
47:30 This Won't Always Feel Like This
Resources
Full episode article and show notes
How Over Your Ex Are You? Quiz
Heartbreak Recovery program at Growing Self
Online breakup support group
Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Schedule a free first conversation
If you are listening to this and recognizing yourself, the years-stuck part, the closure-waiting part, the cannot-stop-checking part, that recognition is the signal. Send me an email at [email protected], or come find me at GrowingSelf.com. We do free first conversations. No pressure, no commitment. Just a real conversation about what is actually going on for you, and whether the kind of work we do here might help.
xoxo,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
P.S. If you want to know exactly where you are in the process before you talk to anyone, the How Over Your Ex Are You? quiz at growingself.com/breakup-quiz-how-over-your-ex-are-you takes about two minutes and tells you the truth.
Special thanks to this month’s sponsors of the podcast
Upwork — When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.
Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.
OSEA — Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order.
Quince — Quality products you’ll actually use that feel like luxury without the price tag. Get free shipping and 365-day returns at quince.com/lhs.
LNutra Prolon — A science-backed, plant-based nutrition program that supports fat loss, metabolism, cellular rejuvenation, and overall longevity. Head to ProlonLife.com/LHS for 15% off your first order + a bonus gift. -
Have you ever felt like every tab in your brain is open, and not one of them will close? That was Sam Yo at 23, the year before he walked away from a successful London stage career to spend years in a Thai Buddhist monastery. In this episode, I sit down with him for the conversation I needed when my own brain wouldn't stop running.
Sam is now a Peloton instructor and the author of The Monk's Mindset (Blackstone, May 19, 2026). His arc, from London stage to Thai monastery to a global Peloton audience, was just featured in PEOPLE Magazine. He left a roller coaster of stage, sports car, and success because the noise inside had grown louder than the noise outside. What he learned in the silence is what he teaches his Peloton students and the readers of his new book: you don't need to escape your life to find stillness. You learn to carry it.
We talk about why your overthinking isn't actually a thinking problem, what your nervous system is doing at two in the morning when you can't let a conversation go, and the small named practices that interrupt the spiral. Sam walks us through a 90-second breath exercise live on the recording, the three daily anchors he uses to keep himself tethered, and the three filters his teacher gave him to run before you react to anything.
In This Episode
Why your overthinking isn't a thinking problem (and what it actually is)
The 4-2-6 breath that interrupts a 2 a.m. spiral in 90 seconds, walked through live on the episode
The three daily anchors that quiet a restless mind: intention, reset, reflection
The walking practice Sam's teacher gave him when he couldn't sit still and meditate
How emptying your cup changes the way you listen in every relationship you have
The three filters to run before you react: is it true, is it kind, is it necessary
Why a Peloton ride teaches the same thing a Thai monastery taught Sam
The teacher's lesson about a cut foot that reframes every setback as redirection
This episode is for anyone who has lain awake at two in the morning replaying a conversation from earlier that day, wondering why their brain won't let it go. It is for the person who has downloaded three meditation apps and quit each one because the silence felt like one more thing to be good at. Sam's tools don't ask you to retreat from your life. They ask you to find the stillness that's already in it, in five breaths before you check your phone, in the warmth of a mug between your hands, in the sound of a broom on a kitchen floor.
Episode Breakdown
00:00 Why Your Mind Won't Stop, A Former Monk's Take on Overthinking
03:15 The Disconnect Behind a Life That Looks Good
15:43 Three Daily Anchors That Quiet a Restless Mind
18:22 Empty Your Cup, The Monk's Way of Listening
25:45 The Ripple Jar, Why Small Acts of Kindness Compound
32:23 Is Overthinking Just Anxiety in Disguise?
39:59 How to Calm a Racing Mind in 90 Seconds (The 4-2-6 Breath)
42:03 How to Be Present Without Hours of Meditation
49:40 Take a Different Path, Three Questions Before You React
Resources
Read the full article
Free Self-Esteem Test, because so much of the loop starts with the story you tell about yourself
Life Coaching at Growing Self, our most-requested service for people who want a real human in their corner
Free consultation, talk to a coach or therapist on our team, no commitment
If something in this episode landed for you, send it to the person you were thinking about while you listened. You probably already know who it is. And if you're ready for the deeper version of this work, a real person in your corner who does this with people every day, come find us at growingself.com.
XO,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Growing Self
Special thanks to this month’s sponsors of the podcast
Upwork — When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.
Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.
OSEA — Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order.
Quince — Quality products you’ll actually use that feel like luxury without the price tag. Get free shipping and 365-day returns at quince.com/lhs.
LNutra Prolon — A science-backed, plant-based nutrition program that supports fat loss, metabolism, cellular rejuvenation, and overall longevity. Head to ProlonLife.com/LHS for 15% off your first order + a bonus gift. -
Have you ever lost a whole afternoon to a conversation that ended three days ago? Picking it apart, wondering what the other person actually meant, mentally rehearsing what you should have said. There is a name for what your brain is doing. It is called rumination, and according to research from Yale, it is the single most damaging mental habit science can measure.
In this episode, I sit down with Donna Jackson Nakazawa, the science journalist who has spent decades translating cutting-edge neuroscience into language regular humans can actually use. Her new book Mind Drama (out this week) is the most useful explanation I have read of what is actually happening in your brain when you cannot stop replaying a conversation, and what the science says you can do about it. Donna and I get into the survival biology behind your overthinking, the unexpected link between early relationships and adult thought patterns, and her real-time interruption tool. She walks me through it live, with my own ruminative mind as the example. It got pretty real.
In This Episode
The four-step framework Donna walked me through live, in real time, while I was actually overthinking something (it interrupts a spiral in under a minute)
Why your brain creates these loops in the first place, and the evolutionary reason it cannot just stop on command
The hidden link between your earliest relationships and the thought patterns you carry into adulthood
The word for what you have been calling overthinking, and why nearly a third of adults have never heard it
How rumination shows up at work, and the moment I realized I was doing it about my own business while we were recording
The Yale research that names rumination as the biggest single predictor of depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and even cognitive decline
What science says does not work for overthinking (and why willpower keeps failing you)
The reframe that changes everything: your rumination is a signal fire from your past, not a character flaw
Why This Matters
This episode is for anyone who has ever lost a whole day to a conversation that already happened. The smart, accomplished, self-aware woman who has read every book about mindset and still finds herself staring at the ceiling at 2 AM. The friend who knows logically that the email did not mean what she thinks it means, and who is on her seventh draft of a reply anyway. If you have ever caught yourself in a loop and thought, what is wrong with me, this conversation will start to answer that question. Spoiler: nothing is wrong with you.
Episode Breakdown
00:00 The Mental Spiral You Can't Stop
03:51 What Rumination Actually Is
06:06 Is Overthinking a Symptom of Anxiety?
08:35 Why Your Brain Won't Let It Go: A Survival Response Gone Rogue
12:01 Inside the Default Mode Network
18:39 How Overthinking Shows Up at Work and in Your Relationships
22:22 The MIST Framework: How to Stop Overthinking in Real Time
38:53 The Old Story Underneath the Spiral
45:57 Reclaiming the Voice Your Rumination Has Been Hiding
55:42 When You Need a Real Person, Not Just a Strategy
Resources
Take the What's Holding You Back? Quiz
Schedule a free consultation with a coach or therapist on the Growing Self team.
Here is what I want you to take away from this conversation: your brain getting stuck in a loop is not a character flaw. It is a real neural pattern with real roots, and it is genuinely changeable.
If this conversation made you realize you are ready to actually do something about this with a real person, my team at Growing Self does free first conversations. No commitment, no pressure. Just a real conversation with a coach or therapist who gets it.
If this episode meant something to you, please share it with the friend you already have in mind.
xoxo,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Growing Self
Special thanks to this month’s sponsors of the podcast:
Upwork — Access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.
Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.
OSEA — Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order.
Quince — Quality products you’ll actually use that feel like luxury without the price tag. Get free shipping and 365-day returns at quince.com/lhs.
LNutra Prolon — A science-backed, plant-based nutrition program that supports fat loss, metabolism, cellular rejuvenation, and overall longevity. Head to ProlonLife.com/LHS for 15% off your first order + a bonus gift. -
It’s 5:47 PM. You’re trying to make dinner. Your four-year-old is melting down. You hand her the iPad, just for twenty minutes. She gets quiet. And then, because you’re a person who loves your kid, you feel like a bad parent.
Hey. It happens. I’ve been there too.
And the man I sat down with for this conversation has been there too, except in his case, he’s the one who invented the technology you just handed her.
In this episode, I sit down with Rob LoCascio, the man who invented web chat in 1995 and built LivePerson into a public company powering customer conversations for Apple, American Express, and Citibank. After twenty-eight years inside the conversational AI industry, watching his own three kids try to grow up in the world he helped build, Rob had a reckoning. He started a new company building tech for kids that doesn’t exploit them, and he sat down with me to explain, with receipts, what is actually happening behind the screen your kid won’t put down.
In This Episode
The exact moment a tech founder realized he was losing his own kids to the screens he built, and why it changed everything for him
Why senior YouTube executives quietly don’t let their own kids use YouTube, and what they know that you don’t
The reframe that turns the daily iPad battle from a parenting failure into a systems problem
What Jonathan Haidt’s research found when Apple introduced the front-facing camera, and why youth depression rates spiked globally at the same moment
Why your kid asks for the iPad when she’s upset, and what is actually happening in her nervous system in that moment
The 25-million-person creator economy your kid is being fed by, and why "just set limits" stopped working in 2020
What healthier tech for kids could actually look like, and what to ask before you hand any device to a four-year-old
Why This Matters
This episode is for anyone who has handed their kid a device just to get through dinner and then felt the wave of guilt that follows. For the parent who has yelled, then immediately regretted it, then negotiated, then given in. For the mom or dad whose kid melts down when the iPad gets put away, and who has started to wonder whether something deeper is going on. You are not crazy. You are not failing. You are up against an industry that is very, very good at what it does, and what it does is not in your kid’s interest. This episode names what you have been feeling, and gives you new language for what is actually happening.
Episode Breakdown
01:42 The Screen Time Fight Every Parent Knows
05:00 The Inventor of Web Chat Pulls Back the Curtain
09:00 Devices Are Homework, Not a Babysitter
12:00 What’s Actually Inside the Videos Your Kids Are Watching
15:30 What Screens Do to a Developing Brain
19:11 "I Feel Like I’ve Lost": A Tech Founder’s Confession
22:45 Why YouTube Executives Won’t Let Their Kids Use YouTube
25:25 The 25-Million-Person Machine Behind Every Scroll
37:00 Why Early Exposure Hits a Developing Brain Harder
43:15 What Healthier Tech for Kids Could Actually Look Like
Resources
Read the full article and access every resource Rob mentions in this episode (including his work at KID Company)
One-on-one parenting coaching and family therapy with our team
Schedule a free consultation, no pressure, no commitment
If you know another parent who has been crying in the bathroom over the iPad fight (and you probably have someone in mind right now), please share this episode with them. They will feel less alone, and that matters more than you know.
XO,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Growing Self -
Are you in a codependent relationship? If so you're probably feeling anxious, frustrated, and exhausted from trying to create positive change in your relationship single-handedly. (Or feeling like you're never quite good enough to meet the standards of your partner). Not fun for anyone!
On today's episode, we're taking a deep dive into codependent relationships. Listen, and learn:
- What codependent relationships are
- Why they happen
- The stages of codependency recovery
- How you can get un-fused from each other so that you can both grow and flourish.
How to stop being codependent: All for you!
xoxo,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
GrowingSelf.com
Special thanks to this month’s sponsors of the podcast
Upwork — When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.
Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.
OSEA — Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order.
Quince — Quality products you’ll actually use that feel like luxury without the price tag. Get free shipping and 365-day returns at quince.com/lhs.
LNutra Prolon — A science-backed, plant-based nutrition program that supports fat loss, metabolism, cellular rejuvenation, and overall longevity. Head to ProlonLife.com/LHS for 15% off your first order + a bonus gift. -
“We talk all the time, but I still feel alone in my marriage.” If that sentence has ever crossed your mind on a Tuesday night, mid-load of dishes, with your partner three feet away, you are not imagining it. And you are not the only one.
In this episode, I sit down with Debra Fileta, the licensed therapist who has spent more than twenty years in clinical practice helping couples figure out exactly this. Debra is the author of nine books and the host of the nationally syndicated podcast Talk To Me, and her newest book, People Skills, is built around an idea that I think is going to be a relief for a lot of you. Most relationship pain is not a love problem. It is a skill problem. And skills can be built.
In This Episode
The three levels of communication, and why almost every couple stalls at level two without realizing it
Why “we talk all the time” is not the same thing as feeling close, even after twenty years of marriage
The thirty-minute weekly ritual Debra and her husband John have used for fifteen years to keep their marriage from drifting
Why being “nice” is not the same as having strong people skills, and the people-pleasing trap that masquerades as kindness
How to tell the difference between a one-time conflict and a relationship pattern that is pointing at something deeper
The volume-dial reframe for couples where one partner feels everything at a 7 and the other at a 3
The empathy practice that takes thirty seconds and changes the way you see almost everyone in your life
Why “I keep attracting the wrong people” is the wrong question, and the better one Debra asks instead
Why This Matters
This episode is for anyone who has caught themselves thinking, something has shifted between us and I cannot put my finger on what. For the partner who feels like they are always the one initiating real conversation. For the couple who used to talk for hours and now mostly talks about logistics. For anyone who has wondered if needing more depth in their marriage is asking too much. It is not. And the way back is more learnable than you might think.
Episode Breakdown
02:30 It is Not a Lack of Love, It is a Lack of Skill
06:30 Patterns vs. Pain Points (How to Tell If You Are the Common Denominator)
10:30 Why You Keep Attracting the Wrong People (And How to Change Your “Magnet”)
14:00 The Three Levels of Communication: Why Most Couples Never Get Past Level Two
17:30 Duck Floaty or Scuba Diver? The Sunday Night Check-In That Saved a Marriage
23:00 When One of You Feels Everything at a 7 and the Other at a 3
29:30 The Yalom Story: How to Actually Look Out Your Partner’s Window
33:00 Trauma Does Not Excuse Us, But It Does Explain Us
Resources
Free Communication Training (two-part video plus workbook)
Work with a couples counselor or relationship coach on my team
If something in this conversation lands somewhere specific for you, that is the signal to do something with it. Start with the free communication training at growingself.com/communication. It is two short videos and a workbook, and you can do it this weekend.
And if you want to go a little deeper, we do free first conversations at growingself.com. No pressure, no commitment, just a real conversation about what is actually going on in your relationship and whether what we do here might be a fit.
I will see you back on the podcast soon.
xo,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Growing Self
Special thanks to this month’s sponsors of the podcast
Upwork — When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.
Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.
OSEA — Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order.
Quince — Quality products you’ll actually use that feel like luxury without the price tag. Get free shipping and 365-day returns at quince.com/lhs.
LNutra Prolon — A science-backed, plant-based nutrition program that supports fat loss, metabolism, cellular rejuvenation, and overall longevity. Head to ProlonLife.com/LHS for 15% off your first order + a bonus gift. -
Forty Colombian farmers sat looking at her, completely unimpressed, when the cartel boss in the back of the room opened a case and a drone flew up out of it.
In this episode, I sit down with Attia Qureshi, the negotiation teacher who learned her craft running State Department conflict-resolution work in cartel-controlled coca regions of Colombia, and who now teaches at the University of Michigan after a stint at MIT Sloan. Her new book Never Settle, with a foreword by Sheila Heen and endorsements from Daniel Pink, Robert Cialdini, and Chris Voss, hits shelves next week. The thing I love about her work is that she does not treat negotiation as a boardroom sport. She treats it as a daily relationship skill, the kind you practice with your barista so it is already in your hands when something hard comes up at home.
In This Episode
The four-step sequence Attia used to reset a room of 40 unimpressed farmers and a cartel boss with a drone, and how the same four steps work in your kitchen tonight
Why "take out the trash" is the position and not the actual ask, and the one-sentence reframe that changes how you fight about household chores
The fifth-grade bullying story that produced the hard shell most of us are still wearing into adulthood
The seven-word test that tells you whether you are influencing someone or manipulating them
Why the freeze you feel when you try to speak up is physiology, not personality, and what to do about it in real time
How to know when you are giving too much to a taker, and the experiment Attia recommends before you decide to cut losses
The literal glass of lemonade that turned a hostile next-door neighbor into a friendly one, and the Cialdini-backed science underneath it
Why This Matters
This episode is for anyone who knows what they want and goes quiet when it is time to ask. For anyone stuck in a loop with a difficult coworker or in-law that has been the same loop for three years. For anyone who has tried the assertive thing once and the people-pleasing thing once and is exhausted by both, and who wants a path that does not require a personality transplant.
Episode Breakdown
0:30 How to Get What You Want: Without Fighting or Folding
2:52 Bethany and the Exoskeleton: Where the People-Pleaser-or-Hardener Split Begins
7:18 Why You Freeze When You Try to Ask for What You Want
14:19 A Drone, a Drug Cartel, and How to Negotiate Without Being Aggressive
28:39 Self-Negotiation: Emotional Regulation Before the Conversation Starts
33:22 Positions vs Interests: What You Are Really Asking For
36:01 The Lemonade Story: Reciprocity, Reset, and the Long Game
46:21 Givers, Takers, Matchers, and the Difference Between Influence and Manipulation
Resources
Free Communication Training (workbook plus two-part video)
Schedule a free consultation with our team
Relationship coaching at Growing Self
If something in this conversation landed somewhere specific for you, the most generous thing you can do is share it with the friend who came to mind while you were listening. And if you are ready to stop having this same conversation in your head and start having a different one out loud, my free Communication Training is at growingself.com/communication. It is the workbook and video series I built for exactly the kind of conversation Attia and I were just having.
xoxo,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Growing Self
Special thanks to this month’s sponsors of the podcast
Upwork — When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.
Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.
OSEA — Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order.
Quince — Quality products you’ll actually use that feel like luxury without the price tag. Get free shipping and 365-day returns at quince.com/lhs.
LNutra Prolon — A science-backed, plant-based nutrition program that supports fat loss, metabolism, cellular rejuvenation, and overall longevity. Head to ProlonLife.com/LHS for 15% off your first order + a bonus gift. -
Scientists gave people Tylenol before a social rejection. It worked. Your nervous system treats being left out the same way it treats a broken bone. That is why telling yourself to just get over it has never, ever worked. And it is why this conversation with negotiation expert Kwame Christian is going to change how you see your own fear of conflict.
If you’re non confrontational by nature, or you’ve spent years being a people pleaser to keep things smooth, what Kwame explains in this episode is going to feel like the first time someone has accurately described what is actually happening inside you. The fear is not weakness. It is biology. And there is a way through it.
In this episode, I sit down with Kwame Christian, CEO of the American Negotiation Institute and host of Negotiate Anything. His framework, Compassionate Curiosity, is built entirely on empathy, genuine curiosity, and a clear sense of what you actually value. We did a live roleplay about household labor and invisible work, and I want to be honest with you: I felt the shift in real time. The resistance just left. That is what this approach does.
In This Episode
The neuroscience behind conflict avoidance, including why social rejection activates the same neural pathways as physical pain
Kwame’s origin story as a people pleaser and exactly how he treated his fear of conflict like a phobia to overcome it
The difference between being liked and being respected, and why only one of them gets you where you want to go
A complete reframe of what negotiation actually is, and why the goal is never to win but to discover what is possible
The Compassionate Curiosity framework step by step, including the pre-conversation internal work that makes you harder to rattle
The Situation/Impact/Invitation opener that dissolves defensiveness before the hard conversation even begins
A live roleplay on the invisible work conversation with a real-time demonstration of the shift that happens when you stop fighting
What confidence in conflict actually looks like when it is not swagger
Why This Matters
This episode is for anyone who has ever bitten their tongue in a conversation that needed to happen. For anyone who has let something slide one too many times and felt a piece of themselves go with it. And for anyone who suspects that the life they want is on the other side of a conversation they have been too afraid to have.
The best things in life are on the other side of difficult conversations. This episode will help you get there.
Episode Breakdown
03:01 Why Difficult Conversations Feel Like a Threat (Not a Choice)
05:56 Kwame’s Origin Story — From People Pleaser to Negotiation Expert
10:16 The Difference Between Being Liked and Being Respected
16:36 Every Difficult Conversation Is a Relationship Test
26:01 How to Stop Caring If People Are Mad at You
39:21 Negotiation Isn’t What You Think It Is
51:37 The Compassionate Curiosity Framework — Live Roleplay
01:06:02 What It Actually Means to Be Confident in Conflict
Resources
Full article: https://www.growingself.com/how-to-have-difficult-conversations/
Free Communication Training (2-part video + workbook): https://www.growingself.com/communication/
Relationship coaching at Growing Self: https://www.growingself.com/relationship-coaching/
If today’s conversation stirred something in you, you do not have to work through it alone. My team of coaches and therapists at Growing Self is here. A free consultation, no pressure, just a real conversation about where you are and what might help. Come find us at growingself.com.
And if you know someone who avoids conflict to keep the peace, please share this one. I bet you already have someone in mind.
With love,
xo, Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Growing Self
Special thanks to this month's sponsors:
Upwork — When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.
Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.
OSEA - Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order
Quince — Quality products you’ll actually use that feel like luxury without the price tag. Get free shipping and 365-day returns at quince.com/lhs.
LNutra Prolon — A science-backed, plant-based nutrition program that supports fat loss, metabolism, cellular rejuvenation, and overall longevity. Head to ProlonLife.com/LHS for 15% off your first order + a bonus gift. -
Burnout and stress don’t just drain energy, they drain connection.
If you’re in burnout, it can spike stress & anxiety and create real conflict & repair work at home.
And here’s the part most people miss: sometimes burnout isn’t solved by “pushing harder” or even taking a break. Sometimes it’s about play. Not childish, silly, or irresponsible play. But a playful mindset—curiosity, experimentation, levity—that changes how you experience your real life, in real time.
In this conversation, I’m joined by Piera Gelardi to talk about burnout recovery through a lens most people never consider. Piera is a creative entrepreneur, artist, and the co-founder of Refinery29 and 29Rooms, and her work is all about helping people reconnect with joy, creativity, and aliveness. Together, we explore what happens when life gets so serious, so scheduled, and so responsibility-heavy that you lose touch with the parts of yourself that feel light, open, and fully alive.
We talk about “play deprivation,” the difference between having fun and living playfully, and why recovery from burnout often has less to do with escaping your life and more to do with changing your relationship to it. You’ll hear why humor as a coping mechanism can be surprisingly healing, how playful curiosity can shift conflict, and why the quiet boredom in relationship can sometimes be a sign that something important has gone missing. This is a warm, honest conversation about stress, connection, resilience, and what helps people feel like themselves again.
We also get practical. Piera shares simple ways to bring more play into ordinary life, from finding the funny in hard moments to remixing daily routines, noticing beauty, and experimenting with small changes that make life feel less heavy. As you listen, I’d love for you to consider: What has gotten so serious lately? Where have you made joy conditional? And what might change if play was not something you earned after everything else was done, but part of how you cared for yourself all along?
Episode Breakdown:
00:00 Why Play Matters for Adults
09:08 What Play Deprivation Really Looks Like
21:21 The Different Ways Adults Experience Play
30:11 How Humor Can Help You Cope
39:13 Wonder Wandering and Everyday Joy
41:16 Playfulness in Relationships
44:46 Why Play Is Fuel, Not Frivolous
If you’re noticing that stress has taken over your mood, your relationships, or your ability to enjoy your own life, this might be a good time to get support. You can book a free consultation with me or a member of my team, and we’ll talk about what’s been feeling hard, what you want to change, and what kind of support would actually help. We’ll help you find the right counselor or coach so you can feel more grounded, more connected, and more like yourself again.
xoxo,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Growing Self
Upwork — and it’s a sponsorship I said yes to because I actually use it. When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.
Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.OSEA - Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order -
Sometimes the worst part of betrayal is not what happened. It’s what keeps happening inside you afterward. Betrayal trauma recovery is about understanding why betrayal trauma can leave you anxious, hypervigilant, angry, shut down, or unsure of yourself long after the original event is over.
In this episode, we’re revisiting a conversation about what happens when someone you love, trust, or depend on hurts you in a way that changes how safe the world feels. Whether the rupture came through infidelity, dishonesty, emotional abandonment, or another kind of relational betrayal, the aftermath can be disorienting in ways people do not always talk about clearly enough. We’ll look at why betrayal can create trauma responses that feel a lot like PTSD, and why healing after betrayal often takes more than insight alone.
We’ll also explore what betrayal trauma recovery can look like in real life: naming the wound honestly, recognizing your trauma responses, understanding the difference between a real threat and an old trigger, and creating the kind of emotional safety that makes healing possible. If you’ve been trying to rebuild trust after betrayal, make sense of healing after infidelity, or learn how to trust yourself again, this episode offers a compassionate and grounded place to begin.
Episode Breakdown:
00:00 Betrayal Trauma Recovery
04:09 Why Betrayal Can Feel Like Trauma
08:38 What Counts as Betrayal?
15:43 Self-Blame and Losing Trust in Yourself
23:14 Betrayal Trauma Symptoms: Fear, Hypervigilance, and Avoidance
35:02 How Betrayal Trauma Recovery Begins
46:53 Why Safety Has to Come Before Healing
52:08 Healing, Boundaries, and Learning to Trust Yourself Again
If this episode gave language to something you’ve been carrying alone, I’d like to offer you a gentle next step. You can schedule a free consultation with me or someone on my team, and we’ll help you find the right support for you. It’s private, secure, and only takes a couple of minutes to answer three quick questions so we can match you with the right counselor or coach. Think of it as a thoughtful first step toward feeling more clear, more supported, and more like yourself again.
xoxo,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Growing Self
Upwork — and it’s a sponsorship I said yes to because I actually use it. When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.
Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.
OSEA - Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order -
If you struggle with boundaries, you can end up “nice”… and quietly miserable.
Because when conflict shows up, you default to appeasing, avoiding, or people-pleasing. And then the same communication problems keep replaying until your emotional intimacy erodes.
In this conversation, I’m joined by Kelvin Davis to talk about people pleasing, nice guy syndrome, and what it looks like to stop performing “niceness” and start showing up with honesty, courage, and self-respect. Kelvin shares how therapy helped him recognize his own people pleasing patterns, his fear of conflict, and the ways that conflict avoidance shaped his marriage, his identity, and his growth. If you’ve been trying to understand how to stop being a people pleaser, or why people pleasing keeps costing you closeness, clarity, and respect, this episode is for you.
We’re also talking about how to set boundaries without becoming cold, defensive, or rigid. Kelvin opens up about emotional avoidance, approval-seeking, and the painful moment of realizing that being liked is not the same thing as being respected. Together, we explore the hidden cost of conflict avoidance, the difference between being a “nice guy” and being a good man, and why emotional intimacy begins to erode when hard conversations never really happen. This is a thoughtful conversation about people pleasing, relationships, self-respect, and what it takes to choose growth over comfort.
Kelvin Davis is the founder and creator of Notoriously Dapper, a body positive menswear blog showcasing outfits to inspire men of all sizes to find confidence in their appearance. Notoriously Dapper was created to inspire all men to embrace who they are. In this episode, he brings that same message of authenticity to emotional growth too: how to stop shrinking, how to set boundaries, and how to become someone who can stay kind without abandoning themselves.
Episode Breakdown:
00:00 Nice Guy Syndrome and People-Pleasing
02:50 From Nice Guy to Good Man
08:49 Emotional Cheating and Emotional Intimacy
12:07 How to Set Boundaries
24:07 Choose Hard Now, Easy Later
34:20 Be Buffalo, Not Cows
39:06 Hard Conversations and Conflict Avoidance
53:56 Boundaries, Balance, and Respect
If this conversation hit something tender in you, I’d love to offer you a way to take the next step. When you’ve spent a long time being the one who keeps the peace, avoids conflict, or bends yourself into whatever other people need, it can be hard to know how to begin doing something different. You deserve support with that.
You can answer three quick questions so we can help you schedule a free consultation with the right expert on my team. It’s private, secure, and only takes a couple of minutes. If you’re ready to work on people pleasing, how to set boundaries, or the relationship patterns that keep replaying in your life, this is a warm, thoughtful place to begin.
xoxo,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Growing Self
Upwork — and it’s a sponsorship I said yes to because I actually use it. When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.
Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.OSEA - Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order -
Anxiety, especially climate anxiety, can feel like a constant alarm you can’t shut off.
If you’re living with stress & anxiety, chronic stress, and an undercurrent of grief, you’re not alone.
And when it starts tipping into burnout, you need tools that build real-world agency.
In this conversation, I’m joined by Dr. Katharine Wilkinson — writer, teacher, creator, and one of the clearest voices I know on climate emotions and meaningful action. We’re talking about climate anxiety, eco anxiety, climate change anxiety, and the emotional toll of living in a world that can feel harder to trust than it used to. This is a conversation about how to stay grounded without shutting down, and how to move through fear without letting it run your life.
We talk about the difference between healthy fear and anxiety that starts taking over, and why anxiety about climate change can leave so many people feeling helpless, isolated, or stuck. Dr. Katharine shares how guilt, anger, and climate grief can become sources of information instead of feelings to numb out or carry alone. We also talk about community, young people, uncertainty, and how meaningful action can help shift you out of paralysis and into a deeper sense of agency. At the end, I put my psychologist hat on and talk through what to do when climate anxiety, chronic stress, or burnout begin affecting your sleep, mood, focus, or daily functioning.
Episode Breakdown:
00:00 The Emotional Reality of Climate Anxiety
06:06 Guilt, Action, and Agency
18:02 Healthy Fear vs. Climate Anxiety
21:11 Community, Connection, and Collective Action
39:37 Helping Young People Face an Uncertain Future
45:03 Rage, Grief, and a Way Forward
If this conversation brought up something tender for you — fear, grief, burnout, or that constant sense of bracing for what’s next — I want to offer you a gentle next step. Let’s find the right support for you. You can schedule a free consultation with me or someone on my team. It’s a private, secure space where you’ll answer three quick questions so we can help match you with the right counselor or coach for what you’re carrying right now. It only takes a couple of minutes, and it may be the beginning of feeling more supported, more grounded, and less alone.
xoxo,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Growing Self
Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.
Upwork - Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at Upwork.com — posting a job is free
OSEA - Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order -
Long distance relationships can be sweet and brutal at the same time. You miss each other, you overthink texts, you put way too much pressure on visits, and sometimes one weird phone call can throw off your whole week. If you’ve been trying to figure out how to make long distance work without losing your mind or your connection, this episode is for you.
This week on the Love, Happiness, and Success podcast, I’m revisiting an earlier conversation with my colleague Brogan Crosby about what actually helps long distance couples stay strong. Brogan is a couples therapist at Growing Self, and her clinical work and master’s research both focus on long distance relationships. Together, we talk about the real challenges couples run into, including disconnection, insecurity, pressure around time together, and the fear that physical distance might start turning into emotional distance.
We also get into what helps. This is a practical conversation about how to stay connected in a long distance relationship, how to build emotional security across the miles, and how to use love languages creatively when you can’t just reach for each other at the end of a hard day. From FaceTime and shared meals to letters, movie nights, and thoughtful gestures, this episode is full of grounded long distance relationship advice that can help your relationship feel stronger and more secure.
Brogan also shares something that deserves more attention: long distance relationships can have real strengths too. Space can create room for personal growth, deeper appreciation, and more intentional connection. We also talk about what happens when the distance finally closes, because moving in together is its own transition. Even when love is solid, couples still need honest conversations about expectations, roles, and how to stay connected in a new season of the relationship.
Episode Breakdown:
00:00 Introduction to Long Distance Relationships
04:55 Common Challenges in Long Distance Relationships
15:01 Unexpected Strengths of Long Distance Relationships
20:06 Emotional Security and Staying Connected
35:01 Love Languages Across the Miles
48:13 Transitioning from Long Distance to Living Together
If you’ve been carrying the stress of loving someone from far away, and you’re tired of wondering whether the distance is slowly pulling you apart, I’d love to connect with you.
You can schedule a free consultation with me or a member of my team. It’s a private, secure space where you can tell us what’s been happening in your relationship, what’s feeling hard, and what you wish felt different. We’ll help you get matched with the right counselor or coach so you can feel more connected, more understood, and more confident about how to build a strong, secure relationship, even across the miles.
You don’t have to keep trying to figure this out on your own. 💗
xoxo,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Growing Self
Upwork — and it’s a sponsorship I said yes to because I actually use it. When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.
Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.
OSEA - Amazing, clean, science-backed skincare made with the power of the sea. Use code LHS at oseamalibu.com for 10% off your first order -
Most relationship mistakes do not begin with one dramatic betrayal or blowout fight. More often, they begin with unhealthy relationship habits like defensiveness, blame, criticism, neglect, and communication problems in relationships that slowly create emotional disconnection over time. If your relationship has been feeling harder than it used to, this episode will help you understand why.
In this Love, Happiness and Success classic, I’m revisiting one of my favorite conversations about the subtle patterns that can quietly damage even a good relationship. As a marriage counselor, I’ve seen how easy it is to focus on what your partner is doing wrong while missing the ways you may also be contributing to resentment, distance, and disconnection.
We’re talking about some of the most common relationship mistakes, including making the relationship too much about yourself, blaming your issues instead of taking responsibility for them, neglecting your partner, criticizing instead of communicating clearly, bottling up feelings, and expecting problems to get better without direct effort. We also get into why blame, defensiveness, and mind-reading are so destructive, and what helps instead: empathy, accountability, honest communication, and the willingness to address problems while they are still small.
This episode is a reminder that strong relationships are built with intention. When you can recognize the unhealthy relationship habits that are getting in the way, it becomes much easier to create more trust, more warmth, and more connection.
Episode Breakdown:
00:00 The Relationship Mistakes That Cause Real Damage
04:25 Unhealthy Relationship Habits That Push Partners Apart
10:03 Communication Problems in Relationships: Blame, Defensiveness, and Criticism
20:26 Emotional Disconnection: When Couples Stop Really Talking
30:08 How to Fix Relationship Problems Before They Get Worse
42:03 Final Takeaways on Healthy Relationship Skills
If you’re recognizing some of these patterns in your own relationship, and you’re ready for things to feel different, I’d love to connect with you.
You can schedule a free consultation with me or a member of my team. It’s a private, secure space where you can tell us what’s really been happening in your relationship, what’s feeling hard, and what you wish felt different. We’ll help you get matched with the right counselor or coach so you can feel more understood, more connected, and more confident in your ability to create healthy, secure love.
You do not have to keep trying to figure this out on your own. 💗
xoxo,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Growing Self
Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.
Upwork - Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at Upwork.com — posting a job is free. -
If you want a secure bond but keep feeling activated or shut down, you’re not doomed.
A secure bond gets built through emotional intimacy, trust, and safe relationships, not willpower. Most people hear about attachment styles and think, “Okay… that’s me.” But insight alone doesn’t change your nervous system. And it doesn’t change your relationship patterns.
In this conversation, Dr. Amir Levine and I are talking about secure attachment, what it really means, and how to become securely attached in the relationships that matter most. Knowing you lean anxious or avoidant is one thing. Creating emotional safety in relationships is something else entirely. When love starts to feel like chasing, bracing, second-guessing, or shutting down, that is usually not a character flaw. It is a pattern that can change.
Dr. Amir Levine is a Columbia-trained psychiatrist and neuroscientist, an Associate Professor of Clinical Psychiatry at Columbia University Medical Center, and the coauthor of the multi-million-copy bestseller Attached. In his new book, Secure, he explains what a secure attachment style in relationships looks like, why attachment is not a fixed sentence from childhood, and how safe, steady relationships can help your nervous system move toward more trust and connection.
We talk about anxious, avoidant, and secure attachment, the difference between attachment patterns and attachment disorders, and why security matters far beyond romance. You’ll also hear why avoidant attachment style communication patterns can leave both people feeling more distressed, how small moments of responsiveness build trust, and why some relationships keep your attachment system activated instead of helping you feel safe.
As you listen, notice which relationships help you feel calmer, clearer, and more like yourself. Then notice which ones leave you spinning. That awareness can change a lot.
Episode Breakdown:
00:00 Why Knowing Your Attachment Style Still Leaves You Stuck
03:14 What Secure Attachment Looks Like in Real Life
06:31 Which Attachment Style Sounds Most Like You?
15:40 Why Secure Attachment Changes More Than Your Love Life
20:21 Can You Become More Secure Over Time?
26:55 The Five Traits That Create Emotional Safety
37:35 How to Ask for What Helps You Feel Safe
48:08 The Tiny Moments That Rewire Attachment
55:32 How to Break the Anxious Protest Cycle
1:02:17 When It’s Time to Get Support
If this conversation brought up some clarity for you about your relationship patterns, attachment style, or the ways you long to feel more secure with the people you love, I want to offer you something. At Growing Self, we make it easy to find the right kind of support for exactly what you’re working through. You can answer three quick questions and we’ll help you book a free consultation with the expert on our team who fits you best. It’s private, secure, and only takes a couple of minutes. Whether you want help creating more emotional safety in relationships, breaking old patterns, or moving toward a more secure attachment, we’d be honored to support you. 💗
xoxo,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Growing Self
Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.
Upwork - Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at Upwork.com — posting a job is free. -
If parenting is bringing out anger you don’t recognize… you’re not alone.
And if anxiety is riding shotgun in your nervous system, same. Today we’re talking emotions, conflict, and repair so you can stay safe and secure even when things get messy.
In this conversation, I’m joined by Eli Harwood, known as the “Attachment Nerd,” a licensed therapist, bestselling author, and educator who specializes in attachment-based parenting and relationship guidance, helping families and individuals nurture secure attachment patterns. We’re talking about why parenting anger happens, what it may be trying to tell you, and how to work with it without shaming yourself or taking it out on your kids. If you’ve been looking for anger management for parents that feels compassionate, grounded, and actually useful in real life, this episode is for you.
We also get into parental anxiety, emotion coaching, secure attachment parenting, and the kind of inner work that helps you stay steady when your child is anything but. Eli shares why anger is not the enemy, why repair matters more than perfection, and how your own childhood story can quietly shape the way you respond to stress, conflict, and your kids’ biggest feelings. In a lot of ways, this conversation becomes an anger management parents guide for the real moments nobody prepares you for. As you listen, I’d love for you to consider: when your child is upset, what gets activated in you first: anger, anxiety, shame, helplessness, or something else?
Episode Breakdown:
00:00 Why Parenting Brings Up Old Patterns
05:10 Learning Emotionally Secure Parenting
10:15 Parenting Anger as a Signal
13:05 What to Do When Your Child Says “I Hate You”
19:55 Bedtime Battles, Screens, and Repair
24:56 Healing Your Own Story With Compassion
34:20 Why Parents Need Support Too
38:53 Managing Parental Anxiety
52:24 Dr. Lisa’s Reflections and Next Steps
And if today’s conversation left you thinking, Yep… this is bigger than just bedtime and bad moods, I’d love to offer you a gentle next step. We created a simple, private way to help you find the right kind of support at Growing Self. Just answer three quick questions, and we’ll help you book a free consultation with the expert who fits you best. It’s secure, it only takes a couple of minutes, and it can be a meaningful first step if you’re ready to do the kind of healing work that changes not just how you feel, but how you show up in your relationships and your parenting, too.
xoxo,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Growing Self
Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts.
This episode is proudly sponsored by Upwork — and it's a sponsorship I said yes to because I actually use it. When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free. -
If you have communication problems, you’re probably not fighting about what you think you’re fighting about. And that’s good news. Because the real issue is usually conflict & repair, not the “topic” and with clear boundaries, you can start to repair trust instead of repeating the same fight.
Dr. Lisa is joined by Mika Ross, a Nationally Board Certified, Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and relationship coach based in Missouri. Mika has over 18 years of experience in the field, specializing in individual and couples therapy. Together, they unpack what conflict resolution in relationships really looks like, why defensiveness in relationships keeps couples stuck, and how to stop arguing with your partner when every conversation starts feeling loaded.
This conversation is full of real-life examples about the moments that so often turn into the same exhausting fight on repeat. Dr. Lisa and Mika talk about how to repair a relationship after a fight, how to stop fighting with your partner without chasing resolution too fast, and how to repair a relationship by getting underneath criticism and into the softer emotions that are usually driving the whole thing. You’ll also hear why even well-intentioned concern can land as criticism, why old conflict patterns have so much staying power, and what it looks like to come back together in a way that builds trust instead of doing more damage.
As you listen, I’d love for you to consider: What are you and your partner really fighting about underneath the surface? Where are criticism and defensiveness getting in the way of connection? And what might change if the goal stopped being to win the argument and started being to repair the relationship?
Episode Breakdown:
00:00 Why You Keep Having the Same Fight
06:06 When Criticism Starts the Spiral
17:45 When Good Intentions Land Wrong
23:45 Boundaries, Hurt, and Repair
34:48 Why You Don’t Need to Fix It Right Away
43:23 What Healthy Conflict Repair Looks Like
56:18 Getting the Right Support
And if this conversation brought up that tender awareness that you and your partner keep missing each other in the same painful ways, I’d love to offer you a next step. You can schedule a free consultation with me or someone on my team at Growing Self as a kind, thoughtful place to begin. It’s a private, secure space where you can share what’s been happening in your relationship, what you hope will feel different, and let us help you find the right support for you. Thousands of people have transformed themselves, their relationships, or their careers through Growing Self. You can too. Answer three quick questions, and we’ll help you get matched with the right expert. It only takes a couple of minutes.
xoxo,
Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Growing Self
This episode is proudly sponsored by Upwork — and it's a sponsorship I said yes to because I actually use it. When you need specialized talent fast, Upwork gives you access to vetted professionals across 125+ categories, from marketing to web development to operations support. No long recruiting cycles. No guesswork. Just the right person, when you need them. Check it out at upwork.com — posting a job is free.
Shopify — The all-in-one platform for building and growing your online business. Visit shopify.com/lhs to explore their tools and access exclusive listener discounts. - Visa fler
