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In this episode of the Head Trash & Healing Show, I delve into the topic of trauma therapy and why common approaches often fall short. Join me as I share insights and a powerful metaphor to help you better understand the true approach to healing trauma.
Key Discussion Points:
- The limitations of traditional methods for healing trauma and the prevalence of unresolved trauma in many individuals.
- A powerful metaphor of being struck by an arrow to illustrate the ineffective approach to trauma healing, highlighting the focus on superficial details rather than addressing the root cause.
- The impact of unhealed trauma on one's behaviour, relationships, and self-perception, and the tendency to form alliances with others who share similar experiences.
- The importance of addressing emotional baggage, blame, shame, and pain as part of the trauma healing process, emphasising the role of forgiveness and self-awareness.
- Overlooking areas such as ancestral trauma and subconscious influences in the healing process, and the need to widen the scope of trauma exploration beyond the conscious mind.
Who Is This Episode For:
This episode is for people who have experienced trauma and are seeking a deeper understanding of why traditional trauma healing methods may not have been effective for them. Listeners struggling with unhealed trauma, behavioural adaptations due to trauma, and emotional challenges stemming from past wounds will find valuable insights in this episode. Those looking for a fresh perspective on trauma healing and the importance of addressing underlying emotional barriers will benefit from the discussion.
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In this enlightening episode of 'Head Trash & Healing Show', host Alexia Leachman sits down with the profound Amanda Blau. Together, they delve into the enigmatic world of higher consciousness, human and soul perspectives, the power of acceptance and allowing oneself to feel, tracking change, and spiritual energy transchanneling. They also candidly touch on personal stories and explore the concept of past lives, bringing in a fresh and potent perspective to healing, acceptance, and power.
Key Discussions:
- Definition of consciousness and the exploration of Dr. David R Hawkins' "map of consciousness".
- Distinction between the human and soul perspective.
- The idea of learning lessons and soul contracts in life.
- Embracing "darker" emotions and understanding the fear around opening up Pandora's box.
- Amanda's perspective on releasing inner power and visualising to bring things into existence.
- Tracking shifts in consciousness and Amanda's personal approach on the matter.
- Alexia sharing her healing journey around fear of loss.
- Amanda explaining acceptance and resistance in the context of personal healing.
- The importance of acceptance, curiosity, and self-awareness in personal growth.
- Discussion on "witch wound", particularly pertaining to women.
- The concept of past lives and trauma in different lifetimes.
This episode is particularly eye-opening for those struggling with recurring emotional patterns, difficulty in awareness, acceptance, and change. If you've ever felt stuck in your growth and healing journey, are battling fear of your inner power, or feel the urge to understand consciousness and its role in your life better, then this episode is a must-listen. It invites you to challenge your belief systems, feel your emotions, visualise your existence, and lean into acceptance, hence guiding you towards a more profound, empathetic, and empowered self.
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Join me, Alexia Leachman, in an energising conversation with Melissa as we comb through the uncomfortable snarls of people-pleasing, all in this episode of the Head Trash & Healing Show.
In this episode, we go deep into understanding the roots and repercussions of being a people-pleaser. If you're finding yourself always saying yes when you mean no, feel burdened with an unnecessary sense of obligation, or struggle with setting personal boundaries, this conversation is especially for you.
We share informative and impactful insights about:
- The relationship between boundaries, self-care, and people-pleasing
- Strategies on dealing with workplace pressures and work-life balance
- Mindful strategies to handle reactions from superiors and colleagues when setting boundaries
- The systematic transformation process from being a people-pleaser to a self-assured personality
- The role of much-needed 'selfishness' and comparison of treatment towards self and others
- The paramount importance of self-awareness and authenticity
- Facing resistance to change and fear of the unknown
- The negative impact of people-pleasing habits on personal relationships
Bright-eyed listeners, willingly caught in the people-pleasing trap, will benefit significantly from this episode.
If you're looking to replace transactional interactions with real connections and revamp your work-life dynamics, then you've landed on the right episode.
This episode will elicit a change, urging you to break free from the chains of over-accommodation and help you embark on a journey of self-discovery.
Let's reinforce your identity, gear up your self-confidence and more importantly, learn to say 'no.'
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Today, we delve into the impact of clutter, both physical and emotional, on our lives and feelings of inner peace. I'm thrilled to have with us professional declutter coach Susie, who shares insights from her work helping clients tackle their emotional, mental, and even physical clutter. We discuss the pitfalls of retail therapy, the potential emotional impact of clutter in different areas at home, and the connection between clutter and unmet needs, often labelled lazily. We chat about reframing laziness as self-compassion and self-care and touch on spiritual decluttering, the importance of recalibrating values, and making conscious choices. This episode also explores the emotions tied to clothing and why letting go can be so difficult. Whether you're hanging onto physical items, or battling emotional baggage, today's chat with Susie is sure to shed light on the path to decluttering and alignment. Do stick around for this enlightening episode - there's a lot to unpack, quite literally!
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In this week's episode of the Head Trash Healing Show, I had the absolute pleasure of diving into a rich and candid conversation with the remarkable Allen. Our focus? The fascinating and transformative journey of self-regulation.
Allen, with his openness and vulnerability, shared his deeply personal experience of seeking self-regulation as a means to cope with life's adversities. We delved into his powerful four-year self-regulation journey, which began amid business closures and a challenging divorce, propelling him into a profound process of self-rebuilding.
Together, we explored the concept of emotional regulation as the capacity to feel secure within oneself, enabling us to actively engage with life's complexities and choose our responses to triggers and challenges. Allen's relentless pursuit of self-regulation has unveiled a beautiful, ongoing evolution, marked by a sincere commitment to his own personal growth.
The interview wove through the tapestry of Allen's daily self-care rituals and the impact of having a supportive community, especially during times of isolation. His resilience and drive determined to rewrite the narratives of his early life traumas were truly inspiring.
We ventured into the intertwined threads of trauma, belief systems, and archetypes, uncovering how these elements shape our behaviors and perceptions. Allen's courageous resilience in confronting and reshaping various traumas, including ancestral and in utero trauma, illuminated the profound impact of our formative experiences.
What struck a chord with me was his poignant account of isolation during a tumultuous period in his life, and how he channeled it into a profound inward journey. His insistence on "trauma hunting" and the unrelenting pursuit of inner clarity ignited a powerful sense of growth and self-understanding.
I was particularly moved by Allen's approach to relationships, especially amidst personal turmoil. His commitment to understanding others' coping mechanisms, maintaining a regulated nervous system, and extending compassion reflected an incredible depth of emotional intelligence and personal integrity.
The episode was topped off with Allen sharing his self-regulating practices, including meditation, engaging in substance-based ceremonies, and the use of devices like Apollo Neuro, exemplifying the significance of integrating various tools in our personal growth journeys.
The conversation left me feeling deeply enriched and inspired. Allen’s honest and poignant account of personal resilience and spiritual growth is a testament to the transformative power of self-awareness, community support, and the pursuit of inner balance.
I invite you to tune into the full episode and embrace Allen's wisdom as we continue on our shared journey of healing and growth. And remember, you're not alone in your pursuit of self-regulation and personal transformation.
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Today we have an incredibly fascinating topic to explore - the map of consciousness - and how it can be used to measure the progress of inner work.
In this episode, we'll explore how our consciousness can impact our emotions, perceptions, and problem-solving abilities. I'll also be taking a closer look at the concept of healing work, its effectiveness, and why I think it's important to measure the progress of inner work as we navigate our emotional healing journey.
Join me as we explore a powerful tool that can help us track our growth, overcome fears and anxieties, and ultimately live a more content and fulfilling life. So grab a cup of tea, sit back, and get ready to delve into the intriguing world of mapping consciousness on the Head Trash Show.
Have you ever questioned the effectiveness of the healing work you've been investing your time, energy, and resources into?
Are you looking for a tool to help you measure your progress and gain insights into your emotional well-being?
If so, this episode is a must-listen. To avoid unnecessary pain, I explain why I encourage you to take a careful assessment of whether attending personal development events or engaging in healing activities has truly benefited you. Unfortunately, 'feeling better' is not enough to evaluate the effectiveness of healing work. Instead, I think we should be measuring the impact of your healing journey on your consciousness, emotional state, perception of the world, and problem-solving abilities.
This is where I think a tool like the Map of Consciousness can help us to measure the progress of inner work. This tool includes a scale ranging from 0 to 1000, which can be used to help you quantify and track your progress.
To illustrate the power of this tool, I share a personal story from a particularly challenging chapter of my life, emotionally speaking.
At the time, I was wrestling with anxiety, depression and overwhelming grief, and it was against this backdrop that a positive pregnancy test result sent me even deeper into despair. I didn't realise I suffered from tokophobia (extreme fear of pregnancy and birth), and that was why I was feeling the way I was. This experience forced me to step up to the healing table because I couldn't stay feeling that way.
Over the next eighteen months I did a lot of inner work, that eventually paid off. So I decided to revisit this period of my life through the lens of this tool to see what I could learn. I knew that my thinking had changed - quite dramatically - but how would this be portrayed using the map of consciousness?
Could I see the impact of my healing activities? Was it possible for me to measure the progress of inner work that I had done? Could the tool offer me additional insights for my healing journey?What I learned blew my mind!
In understanding my level of consciousness and how it has changed, it has helped me navigate challenging situations and make shifts in my own growth.
This episode is filled with practical insights and actionable steps to help you measure your progress on your healing journey.
And, if you want to know where you are on the Head Trash Ladder of Healing, you can do my quiz, which will tell you whether you're a Conker, Washing Ball, Bouncy Ball, Snooker Ball or Glitter Ball. This is a valuable quiz that can help you identify where you currently are on your journey of self-discovery. To do the quiz head over here.
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Today we are diving deep into a fear that many people may not even realise is one of the most common fears out there. It's called emetophobia, the fear of vomit. Now, before you think this is just a trivial fear, let me assure you, it's a very serious phobia that can have a profound impact on people's lives.In this episode, we will explore what emetophobia is, how it can affect various aspects of life, and most importantly, how to heal from it. We'll discuss the origins of this fear and how personal experiences can contribute to its development. Whether it's a childhood memory of being sick or witnessing someone else's illness, these experiences can lead to a deep-seated fear that elicits anxiety and panic.But fear not, my dear listeners, because I am here to help you navigate through this fear and find freedom on the other side. We will uncover practical strategies and tools to overcome emetophobia, allowing you to regain control and lead a life free from the constant worry and anxiety.Whether you're someone who wants to travel without the fear of getting sick, or a woman contemplating starting a family but dreads the thought of morning sickness, this episode is for you. By facing this fear head-on, we open up new possibilities and opportunities for growth and fulfillment.So grab a bucket (metaphorically speaking, of course) and join me as we dig deep into emetophobia and discover the path to healing. Don't let this fear hold you back any longer. It's time to clear out that head trash and reclaim your life. Let's dive in!
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On this episode of Head Trash Show, I explore the relationship between emotional healing and mental fitness, and how they can impact productivity in our daily lives. Through the discussion, I share that our mental fitness level can reveal patterns affecting emotional health, emphasising the need to tackle both. Regular "head trash clear out" is essential in addressing emotional and mental clutter, just like exercising is better when done consistently. Alexia shares her personal experiences and encourages you to prioritise your mental fitness and emotional well-being. We learn that healing fears can lead to a shift in mental fitness, resulting in clear thinking, decisiveness, and increased productivity. Mindfulness is also discussed as a tool for identifying and managing emotions and fears, leading to personal growth. Finally, Alexia shares that mental fitness and emotional well-being are closely connected, needing each other for an overall sense of wellness.
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In this podcast episode, I'm chatting with Alex Heath about healing from trauma. I know Alex from my time working in the pregnancy and birth world, as Alex specialises in birth trauma and perinatal mental and emotional health. For me, birth trauma is unique as far as trauma goes. A huge aspect of trauma is the meaning we associate with a root event, and the meanings we hold around birth are off the scale. The emotional aspect of birth is huge, When you consider how parents-to-be feel about the arrival of a new member of their family, there can be a lot of emotions invested in the birth event. This is the case no matter what kind of journey the family have had in the lead up to the birth. But if there has been a very difficult journey, with loss or fertility, then the emotions surrounding the birth will be very intense. Add to that the fact that birth is a very physical event, this means that when birth doesn't go to plan, the pain can be twofold - physical and emotional. Another huge aspect of trauma - or at least something that can exacerbate it - is when the person experiencing the traumatic event, feels trapped. Like there's no way out. Birth is definitely one of those situations. Once the first few contractions start, there is no getting off that train until the baby has made an appearance. And if the birth is difficult and painful, this can add to the stress and trauma of the event. It's for all these reasons that I thought that a conversation with Alex around trauma would be worth having and I was not disappointed.
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Can you relate to this?
You decide that you're going to make some kind of change in your life and then you never quite get started. Or at least, you make all the right noises, and you prepare in ALL THE WAYS, but when it comes to actually starting Doing The Thing... you don't.
Do you start out with the very best intentions? In this podcast I dive into what might be going on for you, if this is a pattern you are struggling with.
You can read the blog that accompanies this video here: https://clearyourheadtrash.com/podcas... Are you getting stuck with making a start clearing your head trash? Joining one of my Head Trash Clear-Out groups might just be what gets you going.
The Head Trash Clear-Out is a 5-week group programme that takes place a few times a year. Find out more here: https://clearyourheadtrash.com/head-t...
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Healing your emotional wounds is essential if you're to reach your happy place, and stay there. Your emotional wounds can often be the source of your day-to-day triggers, so by healing your emotional wounds you're able to reduce the stress and anxiety you experience each day.
The problem is that we're not always aware of what those wounds are. Many of the experiences that are at the root of these wounds probably happened before our conscious memory kicked in and so it can often feel like we're looking for a lost pin in the dark. Also, some of these wounds are built up over time with the repeating of similar experiences.
So while one event might not stand out, it could be that we had many many experiences that followed a particular theme and over time, a wound was created. Just like if you get one scratch from your cat, it'll pass, but if your cat keeps scratching you in the same place, eventually it will get infected and be super painful. Then when it eventually stops, you'll probably get a scar #ouch
If we are to think about our emotional wounds in terms of themes, it can get a bit easier for us to start to address them. Because even though we might not have strong memories of the individual events that created our emotional wounds, once we start thinking about how we've been affected by a particular theme in our life, memories start to come to the surface for us.
What also helps us to heal our emotional wounds is starting with common emotional wounds that are common or universal. By starting here, we can begin to reduce the emotional load we're carrying and so make any onward journey easier.
What is a universal emotional wound?There is a shortlist of emotional wounds that can be considered universal, in that they affect all of us to some degree. This is because they are experienced by us at a very young age before our we are able to fully understand what is going on. This means that simple experiences end up carrying a lot more emotional weight and impact than they should.
For example, let's say a mother has to hand her new baby over to health care professionals just after the birth because she needs medical attention. In that moment, the baby is going to feel abandoned or rejected, and may also experience separation anxiety. And so the first of many wounds is in place.
Of course, many of us have had situations whereby our parents or caregivers had moments when they were struggling and took it out on us as children. Being a parent I can testify to the triggering nature of kids, and it's all too easy to react in ways you'd rather not. All of our childhoods have had many of these kinds of experiences.
Over time, these slowly build up to create painful emotional wounds that show up in our adult lives through our fears, emotional triggers, limiting beliefs and self-sabotaging behaviours. With this as a backdrop, it's not surprising that as adults we are the emotional walking wounded.
If we don't address these wounds, then just like physical wounds, they can start to fester. So for our emotional health and well-being, we're better off trying to understand what they are. Once we know what they are we can start taking steps to heal them.
Below I'm going to share with you, some of the common or universal wounds that we all have to some degree. In sharing these with you, I'm also going to share
how they show up - so that you can more easily spot if you have it recommended Head Trash Clearances that you can do to start healing the woundTo read what these 5 emotional wounds are head over to the blog post that accompanies this podcast at https://clearyourheadtrash.com/blog/5-emotional-wounds/
To sign up for the live trauma clearances head over to
https://clearyourheadtrash.com/live-clearances/ -
Micro-dosing for mental health is something that has been explored for some time. The pioneer of this is the Czech-born psychologist Stanislav Grof.
Micro-dosing is the practice of taking or administering very small amounts of a drug in order to test or benefit from its physiological action while minimising undesirable side effects.
So when it comes to micro-dosing psychedelics, this means consuming very low, sub-hallucinogenic doses of a psychedelic substance, such as lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD) or psilocybin-containing mushrooms. The idea being that you get the benefit of the substance, without the trippy side-effects.
This is a trend that's been building for a while now and articles in the media are now pretty common. Like this one in the New York Times: More People Are Microdosing for Mental Health. But Does It Work?
There's even a show on Netflix about it: How to change your mind. In this show, author Michael Pollan leads the way in this docuseries exploring the history and uses of psychedelics, including LSD, psilocybin, MDMA and mescaline.
Using micro-dosing therapeuticallyIn his latest book, How to Change Your Mind, Michael Pollan writes of his own consciousness-expanding experiments with psychedelic drugs like LSD and psilocybin, and he makes the case for why shaking up the brain's old habits could be therapeutic for people facing addiction, depression, or death.
As someone who's taken psychedelics - albeit recreationally and not therapeutically - I have no doubt that they have the potential to provide therapeutic support when taken in small doses, but I was curious to hear someone's experience of this.
So when a friend of mine shared a link to an article on Facebook where she was interviewed on how she had used micro-dosing to improve her mental health, I knew I wanted to talk to her about it.
Here's the article: Can microdosing psychedelics improve your mental health? Here's what the science says
I came to know Simone when I interviewed her for my Fear Free Childbirth podcast about the time she gave birth in a stream. Her YouTube video of the birth at the time had hit over 55 million views and my podcast interview with her has been one of my top episodes on that podcast. Giving birth in nature takes a special kind of fearlessness and confidence in oneself, which Simone had in bucketloads.
Simone's experience of micro-dosing for mental healthAs an experienced therapist Simone also has extensive knowledge and experience in managing emotional and mental wellbeing, so I was particularly interested in hearing how she came to turn to micro-dosing to help with her mental health.
My conversation with Simone
During my conversation with Simone we discuss;
what lead to her deciding to try micro-dosing what substance she took micro-doses of how she felt once she started micro-dosing how long she used micro-dosing for how she came to know that her time for micro-dosing was coming to an end Micro-dosing ResourcesDuring our conversation Simone shared some books and resources. These are listed below;
Books:
A Really Good Day by Ayelet Waldman How to Change Your Mind by Michael PollanWebsite:
www.thethirdwave.co. Recommend this for a solid, practical introduction to microdosing.
Articles:
Simone recommends this article because a lot has come out recently about the fact that Drs/Psychiatrists/Scientists don’t really know how anti-depressants work. Likewise, despite decades of research into psychedelics, we still don’t know exactly how psychedelics work either. She thinks it’s wise to be cautious and proceed carefully, but not to have fear about using psychedelics.
https://psychedelicspotlight.com/the-truth-about-depression-serotonin-ssris-and-psychedelics/
Shows:
Fantastic Fungi on Netflix
How to Change Your Mind on NetflixHere's some research I came across:
About Simone
Psychedelic microdosing benefits and challenges: an empirical codebook
https://harmreductionjournal.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12954-019-0308-4Simone Surgeoner is a therapist and mentor who has helped thousands of people find their own authentic path in life. She enjoys nothing more than exploring the depths of what it means to be human. Using herself as her own guinea pig, Simone demonstrates beingness as arising from integrity with one’s essence.
Helping people find their inner truth, through their own direct experience, is the core of Simone’s work. As a mother of four daughters, currently unschooling her younger two, Simone is passionate about the liberation of all humans. Psychedelic integration and support is one of the areas where Simone supports clients, as she continues to help people at all stages of healing and evolution: sexuality, relationships, trauma, pregnancy & birth, children, hormones, health, business & career to grief and dying.
Website: www.saksana.com.au
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Your inner masculine and feminine
Do you think your inner masculine and feminine energies are in balance? Does this question even make sense to you?
I ask that because I’ve had some conversations with people when they’ve looked a bit puzzled when asked. They simply didn’t understand the question. The idea of having inner masculine and feminine energies was a total mystery to them.
While I’ve been aware of these differing energies for a while, it’s only really in the last three years or so that I’ve been taking a closer look at them personally.
A few weeks ago I shared some learnings I had around balancing my inner masculine and feminine which you can read here: Are you denying your feminine energy?
I had realised how much I had been denying my inner feminine during my life, and how I’d dialled up my inner masculine to compensate. This came with costs that are really now only clear to me now that I’ve brought about more balance.
Balancing your inner masculine and feminineI don’t feel for a minute that both my masculine and feminine energies are totally within balance. But now I’m a lot more savvy as to why it’s important for them to be in balance, and how to go about bringing our feminine and masculine energies into balance. But, I don’t feel savvy enough about this to be able to speak with authority on it.
All that I know is that it’s important to restore balance, as with all aspects of life. What I really needed was someone else who IS totally savvy to break all this down for me, and you!
This is where my conversation with Zoe-Anna comes in.
When I was seeking out more information on balancing our inner masculine and inner feminine, I came across one of Zoe-Anna’s articles and I thought “THIS is the person I need to speak to!”. I was thrilled when she replied right back with a YES!
Zoe-Anna does not disappoint. During our chat we explore;
What are our masculine and feminine energies What does being in balance look like How do we know when we’re out of balance; tell tale signs What do each of these energies do for us What is toxic masculinity or toxic femininity is and how it shows up -
Healing from Trauma
Trauma is something we all have to wrestle with. But not all of us choose to do so. Sometimes we're forced into facing our traumas - as I was recently.
This is why I wanted to have a chat with someone who works with trauma, so that they can share their perspective.
Brooke is a trauma-informed coach who has experienced trauma throughout her life, and through conquering her trauma, she now focusses her time on helping others to do the same.
About BrookeBrooke Bownes an international trauma informed coach and therapist, author and speaker who specialises in working with midlife women to heal from mother wound by a bespoke system
Brooke has personally experienced trauma, right from birth, being born with the cord wrapped around her neck which caused medical issues, trauma from narcissist abuse and complex PTSD, loss of her home, being homeless.
She has now rebuilt her life and has changed her pain into her passion and helps women from all over the world to heal from the trauma of the mother wound and narcissist abuse, she is on a mission to raise the awareness of and heal the trauma of The Mother Wound and narcissist abuse with her programme
Find Your Power by releasing the trauma and mother wound so they can discover who they are and live the life they truly want.
Brooke has a loyal community in excess of 7000 over FB, Instagram, & emails and has written a book called You Can Have It! How to break through the self-sabotage cycle.
Connect with Brooke here;
Facebook group
Connect on LinkedIn
Add Brooke on Facebook
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I recently stumbled on a past trauma that proved to be the key to a lot of the things I've wrestled with as an adult.
As someone who hunts down head trash - especially my own - this is a HUGE win for me. When something isn't shifting, I dig and dig until I can figure it out and get rid of it. I had some personal stuff that just wasn't shifting and I needed to figure out why.
Trauma feeds fear and anxietyI figured there must be a traumatic experience feeding it. Trauma does that, it's feeder of fear and anxiety. In my experience, if fear or anxiety isn't shifting easily then there's a trauma keeping it in place or making it worse.
Sometimes, we don't even have a conscious recollection of the experience. This was the case for me. I had no conscious memory of the trauma I was about to clear.
Clearing traumas of things we can't even rememberTo get around this, before clearing the trauma, I placed my intention on clearing whatever it was that was feeding the anxiety I wanted to address.
What followed was a brutal hour of clearance work. Tears, snot and more tears. It just kept coming. By the end of it I was spent. Spent, but alive and vibrant! And light... god how I felt light!
It proved to be one of the most significant clearances I have ever done.
The traumatic event I worked on proved to be The Key to a huge number of the patterns that were running me. Emotional patterns that were sabotaging me and holding me back. It was also the the root event of my eczema, which had recently come back with a vengeance like I have never known.
Once I was done, I wanted to know what the event was. I was curious.
So, what WAS this event??What the hell was it that had embedded so much crap for me?
So I asked how old I was to try and figure it out. Childhood trauma is usually the culprit, so I started there.
Was I under 5? Yes.
Was I under 4? Yes.I got a hunch.
Was I in utero? Yes.
I was in utero!And then I knew EXACTLY what it was.
When my mother was pregnant with me she was worried about losing her job if they found out. So she tried to keep me a secret from her employers in case they found out and fired her. Talk about stressful!
Apparently her bump was really small and you could hardly tell she was pregnant.
I arrived early.I can only imagine the thoughts she would have been having;
I've got to hide this.
I must keep this a secret.
I want my bump to be small.
My baby can't be visible.
If I get found out, I'll lose my job.She was the breadwinner, so this would have been a big deal. Being found out meant loss of security.
Oh hello Lex's head trash!
The root of my problem patterns!This is all the shit I've been wrestling with FOR AGES that wasn't budging. Some of it is only obvious to me now that I understand and can see where it came from. I had lightbulbs going off all over the place!
I'm totally fine being visible, thinking big and doing things that make me stand out. That bit is ME: Lex.
And yet, I've not been able to sustain it or go ALL IN with it. I was getting pulled back into hiding and playing small. That bit was HER.
I was running my mother's pregnancy fears and making them my own.
No wonder I was struggling with this stuff.
Your time in the womb mattersAs part of my work in birth and pregnancy, I know that the in-utero experience is a precious one, and one to be protected and nurtured. When I interviewed the father of prenatal psychology, Thomas Verny, on my podcast he talked about all this. It's a fascinating chat and worth listening to if this stuff interests you.
There's a lot of evidence that supports this so I'm not being all woo here. The in-utero experience and the birth create emotional imprints in the baby that they will carry though into adulthood. Anna Verwal also talks a lot about this.
This is why I'm so vocal about wanting expectant mothers to clear their fear, stress and anxiety while they're pregnant.
It matters.
Not only does it help them to have a better birth experience - which is a bloody good reason on its own - but it's also good for the baby and its future adult self. I expand on all this in my book, Fearless Birthing.
If they're not positive emotional patterns, then these imprints can be the root cause of anxiety and phobias as adults. I see this time and time again in my work helping women overcome tokophobia (extreme fear of birth).
Some people have accused me of fear-mongering or making women feel guilty for their thoughts and feelings during pregnancy. Pregnancy is already such a challenging time for some, physically, mentally and emotionally. The last thing they want is the guilt that comes from thinking that their negative thoughts are damaging in some way.
I'm afraid I can't do anything about that. That we know already. It's already happening. Surely, it's best for women to know this so that they can do something about it. I'm simply the messenger.
Being well-informed is crucialPeople can choose whether they do anything about it or not. But being informed is crucial in making that decision.
We know that eating meat, fatty foods, drinking alcohol and smoking is bad. And yet people still do it. That's their choice. Perhaps they feel guilty with every cigarette or burger. Perhaps they don't. It doesn't mean we're going to keep quiet about it just in case some people feel guilty.
The same goes for this. Women NEED to know about this.
Whether we like it or not, our bodies and minds are potent creators of future generations. Perhaps the mental health crisis we're seeing today has its roots in crappy pregnancies and births of the past. It would make sense.
Intellectually I knew the importance of the in-utero experience from my work in pregnancy and birth. But now I truly KNOW.
I would urge all pregnant women to keep diaries of how they're feeling throughout their pregnancy. It could be the best gift to your child on their 18th birthday as they wrestle with figuring out who they are. It would probably save a ton of time in therapy too. A lot of our focus as parents is in providing for our children - schooling, opportunity etc - but perhaps we ned to shift the focus to mental health.
As expectant parents, what can we do, to support the future mental health of our children. Because isn't that what will help them to survive best?
Emotionally resilient and happy people usually do pretty well, no matter what.
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Not all public speaking or presenting is equal, at least when it comes to how we feel about it.
Presenting and public speaking sit nicely at the top of any list about fears and anxiety. Thank you primal brain for that!
But not all presenting or public speaking is equal in terms of its potential to make us nervous, fearful or anxious. And, this is different for everyone.
Speaking in front of a large audience of people you don’t know probably sits at the top of the scary pile for most people.
This goes back to our primal brain and how we used to live, and survive. Back in the caveman days, if we could look out and see lots of eyes on us, then it was probably because we were being eyed up for dinner. Bad situation. Life or death situation!
In this situation, our fear and anxiety was pretty useful and helped us to survive.
Today, when we have eyes on us it’s usually because the eyes belong to people who are interested in what we have to say or what we’re doing (at least we hope they are!). In situations like this, the fear and anxiety that is wired in is less helpful, so it can be useful to get rid of it.
How to lose the fear and anxiety around public speakingTo lose the fear or anxiety you might have around public speaking and presenting, it’s useful to dig deeper. This is because it can give us clues as to what is at the root of your fear or anxiety.
This is especially so, if you want to use Head Trash Clearance to get rid of your fears and anxiety. To use Head Trash Clearance effectively, we need a list. A nice list of things to clear. And we’re only going to be able to get that if we dig and unravel what’s going on.
So let’s get to it!
The different aspects of public speaking fearThe first thing we need to explore is the idea that not all public speaking and presenting scenarios are the same. Once we recognise this we can start to get to the bottom of it.
Consider these different situations;
Speaking to a small group of your peers at work. (e.g. your team) Presenting to people more senior than you (e.g. the management team, the board or the company investors) Speaking in front of a small group of people you don’t know at work (e.g. clients, suppliers or other departments) Presenting to a large group of people who know you (e.g. the whole company or your division) Doing a presentation in front of a large group of people who DON’T know you (e.g. a visiting subsidiary or at a conference)Do you feel the same approaching all of these scenarios?
Probably not.
It’s quite possible that some of these won’t present a problem for you, whereas others will.
Maybe you’re fine speaking in front of people you don’t know, it’s speaking in front of people you DO know that’s the problem. Perhaps you worry about what those people will think of you.
Or maybe you struggle with authority and are easily intimidated when having to communicate to those who you perceive to hold more power or authority than you. This could make you nervous and anxious and stop you thinking straight or doing a good job.
Or perhaps you are fine speaking to small groups, it’s the large groups that make you nervous.
Different presenting situations trigger different fearsYou see, behind all of these different scenarios, there are different fears and anxieties. it’s less about the speaking per se, and more about what these situations bring up for the person doing the speaking.
These different situations could bring up any of the following;
fear of looking or sounding silly or foolish saying the wrong thing messing up people thinking less of them not being taken seriously appearing stupid or like an idiot fear of being fired or demoted for doing a bad job (messing up, saying the wrong thing) fear of missing out on a promotion for not doing a good enough job fear of appearing a fraud not being expert or knowledgable enoughBut this is not all that you need to consider if you want to get rid of your fears around public speaking and presenting.
We need to take this one step further to get a fuller picture.
The nature of the presenting jobIt’s important to consider the difference in the nature of the presenting job itself. There are two main options you face when it comes to presenting or public speaking;
1. You’ve prepared something specific to shareIn this situation you have something that you’ve prepared in advance that you’re going to talk through. Perhaps something like:
specific internal presentation – monthly team update keynote presentation at a conference pitch to potential investors sales presentation to potential customersIn these situations, you have time to prepare and run through what you want to say.
The main challenge you have is ensuring that you remember to cover all the points you want to cover and that you stick to the timings. Of course there’s a bit more to it than that, but you get my point. It’s quite a different situation to the next one;
2. You’re speaking, but it’s unscripted or ‘on the fly’This is when you’re attending an event or meeting, but where you’re not there to present something that’s been prepared in advance.
You could be hosting a conference or panel. Or perhaps you’re attending a monthly team meeting and will need to present or speak in response to what else is shared or discussed during the meeting. Or maybe you’re an audience member at an event and want to contribute to the Q&As or you have questions for the panel or speaker.
In these situations, it’s much harder to prepare and there’s so much more that could go wrong (in your mind at least).
All of this means that there are ten potential different presenting and public speaking scenarios that you could be facing. Each of these scenarios will bring up slightly different fears and emotional responses in you.
These emotional responses could be so great that you’re not able to practically prepare for what you’re facing. This is very common.
When your fear or anxiety gets in the way of you preparingLet’s say you have a presentation coming up. Every time you think about it you feel the anxiety rising. It’s enough to keep you up at night.
This makes it very hard for you to sit down and prepare for the presentation. Your preparation might involve things like
writing the presentation working with colleagues to get their support and help practical planning of the event rehearsing the presentationSometimes our fear and anxiety holds us back from even taking the first step. This can lead to last minute preparations which will exacerbate the fear and anxiety. It could also means that your’e more likely to mess up and say the wrong thing, thereby fulfilling your fears.
How clearing your fears in advance can helpBy taking time in advance to unravel what’s going on, you’re much better placed to do the emotional clearance work, that will help you to prepare for the presenting or public speaking task you’re facing.
Then you can look forward to your event or meeting with confidence, knowing that you’re putting your best foot forward and you’ve done the best you can. In these situations, it’s much harder to put a foot wrong. And your confident energy will transform your performance and carry you through any little mistakes that come up.
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If you've been following my adventures in trauma clearance, you'll know that I'm feeling very called to clear my traumas at the moment.
If you missed it, I dive into that in my blog: Traumas & Yetis: 2 things they have in common.
One theme of emotional pain that has come up a lot for me in my life is around abandonment and rejection so this has been on y Healing-To-Do-List for a while. That's not to say I haven't tried to heal this pain in me because i have. But I know that I'm not fully healed of it. There's clearly more to do. So now that I've diving into traumas, this is an obvious one for me to address.
As I've been prepping myself mentally to clear the traumas I'm carrying around abandonment, I've been giving it a lot of thought.
I think it's important to be super clear what abandonment really means.
What do we mean by abandonment, and feeling abandoned?When we carry hurt around abandonment, we often feel like we've rejected, dumped or left behind, and that this has been done to us deliberately or consciously. Perhaps there are some situations where that is the case. But, I bet many of those times that's not the case. More often than not, the abandonment is an emotional feeling rather than an actual state of being. Of course, it can be both, but I'm interested in the feeling aspect here.
If you got lost in the supermarket or park as a child, you might have felt abandoned in that moment. But, I bet your parents didn't actually abandon you. They were probably desperately looking for you. But in that moment, the child in you FELT abandoned. Very different from the time your mates thought it would be funny to leave you in nothing but your underwear in the middle of town after a drinking session.
My parents divorced when I was four, so I don't have to look much further to figure out where some of my abandonment issues come from. I remember thinking as a child that I thought it was my fault my dad left us, even though my mum assured me that wasn't the case. But that's how I felt and as far as my emotional self was concerned, that's all that mattered.
As with most divorces, the parents don't separate because of one of the kids. It's their relationship that's broken down. And, when they eventually part ways, it's unlikely that the parent who leaves the family home is abandoning the children in a deliberate fashion. They might be desperate to stay. But things just aren't workable and it breaks their heart to leave. No matter how the leaving parent feels, the kids will most likely FEEL abandoned by them. Their sheer absence will do that.
I think it's important to get clear on this stuff because we sometimes start throwing some blame into the mix which just adds emotional weight to our abandonment. This doesn't help things at all and can make it all much more painful, and therefore more difficult to face and resolve.
Abandonment is not always inflicted deliberatelyLet's take my mum for example. Years ago, when I did the Hoffman Process, I prepared myself for the slew of Daddy Issues that would come up from the divorce situation.
What I was not prepared for were the Mummy Issues I had, and a lot of those came from her abandoning me by dying suddenly to cancer when I was 30. Now, I'm pretty sure she didn't die deliberately to abandon me.
But the fact is I had abandonment pain that I felt as a result of her dying so early in my life. Being 30 without a mum is a tough gig. Being a mum without a mother is even more so... as I would later discover.
The family pattern of abandonmentThe more I thought about abandonment, the more I realised how strong this theme has been experienced by my family and predecessors.
My grandmother was abandoned by her community when she fell pregnant out of wedlock. My mum was abandoned by her mum when she was put into an orphanage during WW2 for her safety, to be retrieved once the war was over. My mum was later abandoned by my dad which led to their divorce. My dad's parents divorced when he was young, so he was abandoned by a parent too. Then me. I was abandoned by my dad as part of my parents' divorce, and later by my mum when she died when I was 30.This was a pattern I was carrying inside me.
Time to expand the scope of the trauma clearance
It's in my DNA. The memories of abandonment are in my cells.As I fully took all this on board, I realised that my approach to clearing my trauma this time around needed to be different to how I'd done it before.
I needed to cast the net wider than my own life and my life in utero.
I also needed to deal with these cellular memories of trauma.
So that meant including ancestral trauma that I've acquired from previous generations.
And while I was at it, I might as well throw past life trauma in there too!Phew!
How many traumatic experiences was I carrying?Now as I'm a numbers person, I was curious as how many of these traumas I was carrying around.
You want to know? I bet you do!
Current life: 121 In utero: 5 Past life traumas: 11,800 ish! Ancestral traumas: 15,200 ish!Whoa! That's a lotta shit to be carrying around.
I'm carrying over 27,000 traumatic experiences around the theme of abandonment, and being left out or left behind.
Correction. I WAS carrying!
Yup. So I did the clearance. And, as predicted, by the time I finished I was surrounded by a mountain of snotty tissues.
Clearing the traumas was a snotty experienceI thought I would sob emotional tears for this one as it touched on themes and experiences that I had clear memories of. But it didn't, just tears of release. And snot. A LOT OF SNOT!
If felt good to snot all that shit out. And by the end I was spent and headed to bed for an early night. My subconscious had a lot of processing to do.
Then the MAGIC showed up...And the next day the magic showed up.
The further I go along path of deeper healing, the more magical moments I experience. Magic is pretty much a daily experience for me now.
But I get proper tingly excited when something happens that is DIRECTLY related to the theme of the clearance I've recently done. For me it's a sign that the energy has truly shifted and I've healed.
Well, sure enough, the next day it happened.
I was INVITED to be part of something new that's very exciting. Something BIG!
I was SOUGHT OUT.
I was CHOSEN because of who I am.
I was PICKED OUT for it.However, I express that idea, one thing is clear: it's the OPPOSITE of BEING ABANDONED and LEFT BEHIND.
It's what my toxic emotional energy was blocking from me.
Now that the energy is clear, these things are more freely available to me now. They can flow to me, where before I was resisting, repelling even.
Our unresolved trauma keeps us stuckOur unresolved traumas are keeping us stuck in the very places we desperately want to leave.
It's time to let these fuckers go. For good.
Then the things you truly desire can come into your life. - Visa fler
