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In this thought-provoking episode of Beyond Sexual Brokenness, cohosts Dayne and Sean dive into the complex question: Is addiction a simple choice? The two engage in a heartfelt debate, unpacking how this question has shaped their own recovery journeys.
Dayne wrestles with the tension between not wanting to victimize his struggles while also acknowledging how powerless he has felt at times. He shares how this year marks the first in 30 years that addiction hasn't owned him — raising the question: was there a choice involved in breaking free, or was something deeper at play?
Sean opens up about the painful paradox of recovery — how greater clarity brings greater pain, and how that pain forces him to confront the nature of his own choices. Together, they reflect on the early moments of their addiction — was watching porn or masturbating for the first time truly a choice? And if it was, does that even matter now?
Through raw vulnerability and honest disagreement, Dayne and Sean explore the relationship between choice, accountability, and the disease model of addiction. Whether you're in recovery yourself or supporting someone who is, this episode invites you to wrestle with the nuanced reality of addiction — where willpower, pain, and grace all collide.
Listen in as they ask the hard questions without easy answers — because sometimes the most healing conversations are the ones we can't tie up in a neat bow.
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In this thought-provoking episode of Beyond Sexual Brokenness, Sean and Dayne go head-to-head in a deep and honest debate: Should sobriety define who you are? Or is it just a part of your journey—not your identity?
Some say sobriety is the foundation of healing, the proof of real change. Others argue that making it your identity can be a dangerous trap—what happens when you relapse? Does that mean you've lost yourself? If you’re not "sober enough," does that mean you’re not recovering?
Sean and Dayne take different stances, pushing each other—and you—to critically examine your relationship with sobriety. They reflect on how their perspectives have shifted after a year of committed recovery. Sean shares why he fought against letting relapse define him, while Dayne questions whether avoiding that definition makes it harder to stay accountable.
Can sobriety be a core part of who you are without it becoming a burden?If we don’t let sobriety define us, are we leaving the door open to return to old patterns?Is sobriety the key to reclaiming our true selves, rather than something that restricts us?How do we hold onto the passion for recovery when setbacks happen?Are you more than your sobriety, or is that a risky mindset?Join the debate and reflect on what sobriety means for you. Does it define you? Should it?
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In this episode of Beyond Sexual Brokenness, Sean and Dayne take a deep dive into Under the Bridge by Red Hot Chili Peppers, exploring how its haunting lyrics resonate with their journeys of recovery from sexual and compulsive behavior addiction.
"Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a partner, sometimes I feel like my only friend is the city I live in, the city of angels..."—Sean reflects on the deep isolation he felt at the height of his addiction, how he gave away years of his life, his integrity, and his sense of self.
Dayne considers the line, "I don’t ever want to feel like I did that day," and how it mirrors his shift in recovery—from just trying to stop destructive behaviors to finding purpose, setting goals, and embracing inspiration.
Together, they discuss how music takes on new meaning in recovery, the power of loneliness and redemption in the song, and how their own experiences align with its themes of loss, longing, and healing. Tune in for an honest and heartfelt conversation on the intersection of music and transformation.
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In this episode of Beyond Sexual Brokenness, Sean and Dayne dive deep into James Clear's bestselling book Atomic Habits—but not your typical book review. They don't just talk about the four key laws of habit formation, they share real-life examples from their own journeys of recovery and how these strategies have impacted their sobriety and healing.
While Atomic Habits isn’t specifically a book about addiction recovery, its practical advice on creating positive habits is incredibly relevant for anyone working through addiction. The strategies James Clear outlines can be game-changers in building a life of stability, self-control, and personal growth—and Sean and Dayne prove that by sharing their own successes, struggles, and ongoing efforts to implement these methods.
In this episode, you’ll hear about:
The 4 key laws of habit formation that can help you build healthier habits and break free from the old ones:Make it obvious – How "habit stacking" and creating the right environment can set you up for success.Make it attractive – The concept of "motivation bundling" to pair desirable activities with necessary ones.Make it easy – The "2-minute rule" and how committing to the first two minutes of an action can build momentum.Make it satisfying – Why rewards and celebrating small wins are key to reinforcing habits that stick.Sean and Dayne’s personal stories of habit formation in the context of addiction recovery, particularly around spending more intentional, quality time with their spouses—a crucial part of their healing journey.The motion vs. action distinction: Sean and Dayne break down why it’s easy to go through the motions of forming a habit without truly taking action—and how that subtle difference impacts long-term success.Overcoming the fear of failure: Both hosts discuss how the desire to avoid pain or failure can often sabotage our attempts to build positive habits, especially in recovery, and share how they push through these challenges.This episode is a must-listen for anyone looking to build lasting habits in their recovery journey or personal life. Whether you’ve read Atomic Habits already or not, Sean and Dayne provide a practitioner's perspective on how these principles can apply directly to overcoming addiction and living a more intentional life.
Remember, "We can't stumble into recovery." It takes intentional action, and with consistent practice, positive habits will lead you to a transformed life. Tune in and start taking action today!
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In this heartfelt episode, licensed marriage and family therapist Andrew Engstrom addresses vital questions provided by a supportive recovery community, focusing on rebuilding love, trust, and intimacy in marriages affected by addiction.
The conversation begins with a prayer, asking for blessings on marriages and encouraging hearts to open to recovery and freedom. With Andrew's extensive experience in therapy and addiction recovery, the episode provides insightful guidance for spouses and partners walking alongside addicts in their recovery journey.
The questions addressed in this episode are split into three core themes: sensitivities around discovery and disclosure, managing the fear of relapse (including PTSD), and rebuilding love and trust. Topics discussed include:
How much should I share? When should I share?Am I policing or monitoring my spouse enough?Why is trust so scary?How do I rebuild trust and love after betrayal?Is my progress enough to save my marriage?Andrew dives deep into these questions, emphasizing the importance of honesty, transparency, and the painful yet necessary journey of healing. He reflects on the power of sharing difficult truths, saying, “If you do truce, you will rejoice.” “Intimacy is probably the scariest thing on the planet.” But he also encourages listeners with the idea that when a marriage survives hardship, it demonstrates a deep, resilient kind of love: “When the house is still there after the tornado, then you find out there is real love.”
One of the central themes of Andrew’s therapeutic approach is “tension holding,” where couples are encouraged to engage in difficult conversations rather than avoid them. He stresses that the depth of a marriage is reflected in the ability to share struggles, with statements like, “The limit to which you can speak about something is the limit to which you are married.” Andrew highlights the beauty in how deeply a person can be hurt by betrayal, acknowledging that it is a testament to the heart’s capacity for commitment.
Andrew warns against “staggered disclosures." “Staggered disclosure is death for the mind,” he notes, advocating for open, transparent conversations guided by a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT).
Andrew emphasizes that, while relapses are a painful reality in recovery, there must be hope. “Suffering builds character, and character builds hope,” he reminds listeners, encouraging them to face their fears together.
Throughout the episode, Andrew reminds spouses and partners that even though recovery can feel uncertain and painful, the ability to listen and understand each other's hearts is a powerful tool in healing. “Let me hear your heart,” he says, “You want to hear their heart. It hurts, but you are winning.”
Find Andrew:
https://seattlechristiancounseling.com/counselors/andrew-engstrom
sign up for his upcoming book via https://bit.ly/Corinthians_13Support the show
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After over 300 days of sobriety, Sean and Dayne reflect on the emotional challenges they still face. While their addiction recovery has brought progress, the journey is far from over. In this episode, they explore how their health and healing are interconnected and why the more they heal, the more they uncover areas that still need attention.
What's Still Bothering Us After 300 Days of Sobriety?
"I still deal with issues of self-esteem and measuring my worth and value."
Even with the progress made in recovery, old struggles don’t simply disappear. Both hosts discuss the persistent challenges they face around self-worth, especially when life outside of recovery—like career challenges—brings stress that can trigger old patterns.
Stress, Life Challenges, and Addiction Triggers
Life doesn’t stop, and neither do the stresses that can push them toward old habits. Dayne opens up about how career challenges and life rejections can feel like affirmations of his failures, causing his brain to make unhealthy connections between those experiences and his ability to maintain sobriety.
"When I get declined for a job interview, does it say something about my worth? Does it trigger my brain to think of myself as a failure?"
“Am I even good enough to receive the grace I’m being given?”Insecurity and the Impact on Sobriety
"Anything that triggers my insecurities can challenge my sobriety."
Even though some insecurities may not be directly related to their addiction, their minds can still make harmful correlations. They discuss how insecurity, even in areas unrelated to addiction, can bring about dangerous thoughts that threaten their recovery.
"Long-term sobriety has helped me start to separate my emotional pain from my old acting-out patterns."
"Life challenges and high emotional pain can still trigger me, but now I can see them more proactively."
"Watching porn and masturbation is no longer a normal way of managing pain for me."
"It really grosses me out and makes me angry that I used porn and masturbation for so long to manage my emotions."The Ongoing Battle: Recognizing Patterns and Growth
"I love that you’re noticing emotional patterns in your life more proactively."
"Am I taking anger from my past addiction and unleashing it on other parts of my life?"Despite the progress, Sean recognizes that recovery is a long-term process.
"I can’t overcome years of issues in just one year."
"The addict Sean took over my life for so long. Now that the addict isn’t in the driver’s seat, other parts of my personality are being heard and expressing their issues."Sobriety and the Root Cause: The Necessary First Step
Sean emphasizes that sobriety was essential to uncovering the root causes of his addiction and emotional struggles.
"Sobriety and finding the root cause is not a chicken-and-egg problem for me."
He explains that he needed sobriety first to begin addressing the underlying issues—issues that had been buried for years.
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If you've been struggling with addiction for as long as we have, you've likely experienced countless attempts to start fresh. We all remember those moments—birthdays, Christmases, and New Year's Eves—when we promised ourselves that this would be the time we turned things around. The day after a relapse, motivated by the hope of a fresh start, we dive in once again, only to face new challenges.
In this episode, Sean and Dayne share their personal experiences with "fresh starts" in their recovery journey. Reflecting on their past struggles and triumphs, they also discuss their hopes for the future, especially as they look ahead to their first clean year in decades. This conversation highlights key aspects of starting fresh, from rebuilding relationships to developing healthier habits.
Fresh Start and Its Impact on Our Loved Ones:
"I didn't realize how disconnected I was with my wife and kids."
Recovery isn't just about the individual—it's about reconnecting with the people who matter most. Sean and Dayne talk about the sometimes painful realization that their addiction led to emotional distance from their loved ones.
Fresh Start and Continuous Learning:
"The healthier I get, the more I realize how unhealthy I have been."
The journey to recovery is a process of continuous learning. Both Sean and Dayne explore how the more they heal, the clearer it becomes how deeply their addiction impacted their lives, shaping unhealthy patterns and mindsets.
Fresh Start and Building Consistent, Positive Patterns:
"I have not done anything more consistently and repeatedly than porn and masturbation for over 20 years."
Consistency is key, but it often works against us in addiction. In this segment, Sean and Dayne discuss how they've had to rebuild their lives from the ground up, creating new, healthier habits in place of destructive routines they've held onto for years.
Fresh Start and Reconnecting with Your Community:
"If your community doesn't know your story, it's not part of your support system."
Recovery is rarely a solitary journey. Both hosts emphasize the importance of being open with your support network—without sharing your struggles, that community can't truly support you.
Finally, the episode concludes with Sean and Dayne sharing examples of realistic goals and positive patterns they are focusing on for the new year, illustrating what a fresh start looks like in the context of real recovery.
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The holiday season can be especially tough for those in recovery, often bringing up feelings of loneliness, stress, and the pressure of unrealistic expectations. With love, family, and tradition at the forefront of every movie, song, and gathering, how do we stay sober and true to ourselves?
In this episode, we hear from two guests with different lengths of sobriety: one early in his journey, and the other with 890 days of sobriety under his belt. Together, they share their struggles, insights, and strategies for navigating the complexities of the holidays while staying sober.
Some key takeaways from our discussion:
"Through my work with my therapist, I’ve realized that my use of pornography had little to do with sex. It was more about how I managed stress and pain in my life.""The holidays disrupt my routine, and that can be tricky.""How much of the holiday pressure is cultural, family-imposed, or self-imposed?""I use the Relay app to track six things I do every day, whether it’s December 24th or any other day.""I hate the holidays — the expectations, the pressure, and the family dynamics.""I’m choosing not to spend the night at my parent’s house.""You can’t control everything that happens during the holidays, but you can control your response if you prepare.""Get out of the house and don’t isolate yourself."Tune in to hear honest reflections and practical advice for navigating sobriety during the holiday season.
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In this episode, we dive into the topic of complacency in the sobriety journey. Is complacency about:
Getting too comfortable in your recovery?Overestimating your control over your addiction?Losing touch with the struggles of the past?Join three men as they share their personal experiences navigating addiction recovery. Together, we explore how complacency has shown up in their lives and the strategies they use to stay grounded in their recovery. This is a powerful conversation on how to stay committed to healing, growth, and mental health in the long run.
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In this episode, we dive into the mental complexity of sobriety with two guests sharing their recovery journeys. We explore the subtle yet powerful gaps and loopholes that can threaten long-term sobriety—how our brains often battle between setting boundaries and subconsciously searching for ways to bypass them. This conversation sheds light on the challenges of recognizing these patterns and staying committed to the path of recovery.
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Take a moment to revisit a powerful question from Episode 17, where a panel of men in recovery share what sobriety truly means to them. This re-listen offers an inspiring opportunity to reflect on their stories and energy—giving you a chance to consider your own motivations and drivers for sobriety in your life.
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In this episode, we tackle the complex question: Is masturbation okay? Focusing on its impact on dopamine levels, we explore how the act of masturbation can influence the brain's reward system, especially for those in recovery from porn addiction. Can frequent masturbation derail sobriety, or is it a harmless release? We also debate whether masturbation itself can become addictive, leading to negative consequences in one's life. Join us for an in-depth conversation about the role of masturbation in addiction recovery and its potential to impact mental health and personal growth.
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In this episode, we explore the hidden dangers of pornography with LCSW Aaron Brakhaneh (www.compassCC.org, www.betterhelp.com). Together, we dive into the social, psychological, and mental health impacts of porn addiction. From its effects on relationships to its role in shaping unrealistic expectations, we examine how pornography can be detrimental to emotional well-being and personal growth. Tune in to hear expert insights on why breaking free from this addiction is crucial for mental health and healthy connections.
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In this unique and deeply personal episode, we bring together 11 men in recovery from pornography and other sexual compulsive behaviors for an insightful panel discussion. These individuals share their diverse experiences, emotional journeys, and the lessons they've learned along the way, offering both moments of struggle and triumph.Together, they answer questions submitted by others on a similar path, covering topics such as:
How has pornography impacted your life?What held you back from seeking help sooner?Why do I feel trapped in these behaviors?Did you experience a pivotal “aha” moment in your recovery?What positive emotional, physical, or mental changes have you noticed in yourself since beginning recovery?How do you practice self-love and self-care in your journey?What does sobriety mean to you?This raw and candid conversation offers valuable insights for anyone navigating their own recovery, and serves as a reminder that healing is possible, no matter where you are on your journey.
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- Why do we watch porn?
- What is it doing, "solving", masking for us?
- Why do I trick myself to watch porn"?
- Why do I "need" it?
- Why do I watch it even though I am grossed out by my behavior?
Happy No Porn November! Let's celebrate this month while supporting each other to stay away from porn and its destructive force for 30 days and feel the power of sobriety together! #NPNSupport the show
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Welcome to today’s episode of BSB, where we explore the transformative journeys of those in recovery. In this inspiring installment, we sit down with a remarkable guest who is 95 days sober—a milestone that marks a significant turning point in his life. He bravely shares his powerful story of overcoming pain, embracing rigorous honesty, and discovering the strength within himself. Our guest reveals the daily tools and activities that have become essential to his sobriety, offering practical advice for anyone on a similar path. Join us as he reflects on what it means to be nearly 100 days sober for the first time, and how this journey has reshaped his identity as a man. Get ready to be inspired by his courage and insights on the road to recovery!
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In this emotional episode, we explore the delicate interplay between pride and confidence as individuals navigate their sobriety journeys. Join us as we discuss the importance of celebrating milestones without tipping into complacency, and how self-confidence can empower recovery while maintaining humility. Whether you're in recovery or supporting someone who is, this episode offers valuable insights and practical tips for fostering a healthy mindset on the path to lasting sobriety.
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We’re diving into the fascinating intersection of brain evolution and neuroplasticity, particularly in the context of addiction recovery. Join us for an in depth discussion with LCSW Aaron Brakhane as we explore how our brains adapt and change over time, reshaping pathways and responses in the wake of addiction. We’ll discuss the science behind neuroplasticity, share inspiring stories of recovery, and uncover practical insights that can help guide the healing process. Whether you’re on your own recovery journey or just curious about the brain’s incredible capacity for change, there’s something here for you.
You can find Aaron and his colleagues at Compass Community Counseling at www.compasscc.org and www.betterhelp.comSupport the show
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This episode is 100% dedicated to Nathaniel and everybody sharing his strength and courage to fight porn addiction and all the pain and misery that comes with it.
In this episode, we’re joined by a courageous accountability brother on his day 1 of sobriety who shares his insights on setting boundaries. We delve into what has and hasn’t worked for the three of us and include feedback from six other accountability partners. This episode goes beyond just listing boundaries; it explores the deep commitment required to make them effective. Join us for an emotionally charged and in-depth discussion.
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Thank you for all the positive emotions and support from our listeners. We wanted to say a quick hello and give a mid-journey introduction to our series. Looking forward to engaging with more of our listeners in our upcoming episodes.
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