Avsnitt
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Connection is so important for a marriage. When connection is cut off, the relationship falters. When a marriage is disconnected, the marriage is at risk.
But many people think they are connecting... and they are actually crowding.
Crowding, in a struggling marriage, is as toxic as disconnecting.
Does it feel like a tightrope? Well, it really isn't.
As long, that is, as you understand the underlying principle: Connect, Don't Crowd.
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you access to one of ten principles I cover in my VIP program (an advanced program for those who have my System, but want to be more effective or need more help).
Resources in the VIP program are generally restricted only to VIP members, but I wanted to make sure you don't fall into the "crowding trap." I see it far too often.
Especially for people who have realized they hit the Pause Button on their marriage... and are trying to reconnect.
Listen in to find how to connect without crowding. Don't fall into the trap!
RELATED RESOURCES:
Pause Button Marriage
Connection is the Life Blood
Connection Tools
Save The Marriage System -
Many times, people contact me to tell me that their marriage is... well... continuing to spiral down, in spite of their efforts.
Over the years, I have noted some "turning points," when things often start turning around. And I want to share 3 of these turning points with you.
Here is the good news: all 3 turning points I note are 100% within your control. Yes, there are other events and actions that can also turn things (or at least, start turning things). It is not JUST these 3 turning points. There are others.
But these turning points I chose to highlight are ones you can choose at any time and at any point.
To be clear, just because you make a change, that does not guarantee that things WILL turn around. (I would be able to retire, if that were the case.) It's just that these actions often are the turning points in the effort to save your marriage.
Will making the 3 turns guarantee a saved marriage? No. But they may just make a shift. Playing the odds, doesn't it make sense to give the 3 turning points a chance for change?
Listen to the podcast episode below for the 3 Turning Points.
RELATED RESOURCES
Chasing Won't Work
Response-Able
Show Up
Will YOUR Marriage Be Saved?
Your Fail Point
Marriage Fail Points Book
Save The Marriage System -
Saknas det avsnitt?
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You started working on saving your marriage. Good for you!
And then, you hit a bump. You get knocked down. Maybe you discovered an affair, physical or emotional. Maybe your spouse is irritable and upset. Maybe it is anger and resentment, yours or your spouse’s.
And it knocks you down.
Enough that you think it is over. That you are at the end.
But are you? Or do you need to get back up?
In most things in life, we think the process is (or should be) smooth. I fall for that myth all the time. I think a project is going to be easy and straightforward. Only to find a complication and difficulty at every turn.
And guess what? The same is true in your efforts to save your marriage.
We talk about how you might get knocked down… and how to get up again, in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.
RELATED RESOURCES
Dealing with Discouragement
You Need A Plan
Not A Wish, A Plan
Your Support Team
Do You Need Coaching?
Coaching Resource Page
Save The Marriage System -
Several listeners asked why a spouse only remembers the negative, or only dwells on the negative. Why don't they remember the good times or see the good things?
Over the years, I have noticed this as a recurring and common issue in your efforts to save your marriage. A spouse's thoughts just stay on the negative. Maybe thinking about what is going on now or remembering what happened then. (Memories are just current thoughts about past events -- not accurate representations of the past.)
Since this is such a common phenomenon, I thought it might be good to cover it in a podcast episode.
If your spouse is stuck in the negative (or you find yourself stuck in the negative), let's look at the reasons it happens... and what you can do about it!
RELATED RESOURCES
Book: How To Save Your Marriage in 3 Simple Steps (I have a chapter on changing limiting beliefs)
How's Your Attitude?
Hope and Stockdale Paradox
Where To Focus
"The Last Straw"
Going Pro
Program: Save The Marriage -
How do you know if it is too late to save your marriage??
That happens to be one of the most common questions I get from people... sometimes even at the beginning of a coaching sessions. But also by email and on conference calls.
I get it. We all want to know what the future holds. Do you put forth the effort for a lost cause? Do you put your heart on the line, if there just isn't any way to get a positive outcome?
So, people want to know... is there a way to know if it is too late?
Good news: there is!
Bad news: it will take some action on your part!
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I cover how you can find out if it is too late to save your marriage. Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES:
Why People Get Derailed
Quitting Time? Resources to Decide
Save The Marriage System -
My approach is the 3C approach to saving your marriage. The 3C's are C-onnect, C-hange, and C-reate. Connect with your spouse. Change yourself. Create a new path.
The first two may be more obvious... but still missed by many people. Relationships are grown by connection, and harmed by a lack of connection. We grow personally, when we change... and stagnate when we don't. But that path to create. Where to??
I recently got an email that asked just that: "What is the path I am building? Where to??"
While I thought I had been clear with that, the email is a reminder that perhaps I had not been so clear.
So, let me be clear. You are creating a new path... building a path... to WE. This is the deep and profound understanding that you and your spouse are becoming a unit, a team. A WE. As in, "We are in this together," "We are a team," "We stand together through thick and thin."
But, since I want to be super-clear about this, I thought I would do a deep-dive in this episode of my podcast.
You can listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES:
The Immutable Laws of Living
Book: 3 Simple Steps to Saving Your Marriage
Save The Marriage System -
It is such a common demand from a spouse during a marital crisis: “I need space! You just need to give me space!”
Yet here I am, telling you to connect with your spouse, to rebuild the broken connection that led to the crisis.
Are they opposites?
One listener to the Save The Marriage Podcast was wondering. Which means that others might be wondering the same thing.
Here is the problem: When your marriage is in crisis and a spouse asks for space, if you can’t give it, your spouse will demand MORE space. And if that is not given, your spouse will force even MORE space. Each step causes deeper disconnection and a deeper crisis.
And yet, you know you need to fix the disconnection in order to heal the crisis. It just seems that connecting and giving space are opposite ends. But that is mainly because of the way you are trying to connect. You can accidentally be crowding, not connecting.
Listen in to discover the truth about “space” and how to connect without crowding.
(And if you have questions you want answered on the podcast, CLICK HERE TO SEND THEM.)
RELATED RESOURCES
What is Space?
Why is Connection Important?
How To Stop Chasing
Taking Responsibility
Save The Marriage System
VIP Program -
In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis. There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis.
This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis. And just to let you know: you are NOT at stage 1. That would be Asleep. This is the point when you are not even aware that things are in trouble. You are blissfully unaware of — or choosing to not notice — the looming marriage crisis that is already underway.
But then you wake up to find yourself in the midst of a troubled relationship, a hurting marriage!
Your spouse may be further along the process, and your marriage may be further along the progression of the crisis. That is independent of your own awareness of the crisis.
In this episode of the marriage crisis, I discuss the 4 stages of crisis awareness, and the 1 thing you need to do — along with some thoughts on how to/how NOT to do that very thing.
Listen in below.
RELATED RESOURCES
FACT of the Crisis
Can The Marriage Be Saved?
Why It Matters
Happy or Hurting?
Save The Marriage System -
Most people don’t come right out and say it, but they have a sneaking suspicion that they are the victim in their marital situation. They believe they have been done wrong… more wrong than they have done.
Problem is, their spouse is believing the same thing.
Over and over, I watched as people seemed to make a mad race to be the bigger victim, each on their side of my couch, trying desperately to prove they have done all they can. But their spouse….
It is quite a game. Not one that either person is enjoying. Yet both are playing.
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you the rules of the game, why we play the game… and how to end the game… unless you really want to win it. Then, you can use the information to do that… although I don’t know why you would really want to. That game ends with 3 losers: You, your spouse, and your marriage.
RELATED RESOURCES
NMF Syndrome
How NOT to Save Your Marriage
Being on the Same Team
Save The Marriage System -
Let me be the first to say, saving your marriage can be hard on you emotionally!
Well, I don't really need to tell you, do I? YOU are living it!
One of the tough things, if you are going it alone (at the moment) is the fact that you want to feel loved, too. You are likely trying to make sure your spouse feels love... feels love. You are likely working on connection... even if it isn't (currently) coming back your way.
And since we humans really want and need that love and connection, it can be tough when you don't feel it coming back.
Because of just that, many people give up -- even if they are almost there! Even if they are pretty close to saving their marriage, they often give up, frustrated and hurt.
I get that. I understand it.
And I want to make sure you understand it, too. So, we talk about the feeling and what to do about it, in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.
Don't get derailed (when you might be so close to your goal!).
RELATED RESOURCE:
The Marriage Experiment Training
The Save The Marriage System
The Video of This Training
Episode on Hope and Hopelessness -
For many couples in a troubled marriage, their first stop is marital therapy. In fact, for many, it is almost an instinctive reaction. Marriage problem? Head for therapy.
How do I know?
Because I hear from them... when therapy fails. Which is, unfortunately, fairly often.
Why?
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you a little "inside information" on the factors that determine success or failure in marriage therapy.
Since I was trained as a marriage therapist, I have long been observing the profession. I stepped away and shifted to relationship coaching some years ago. But I still have my finger on the pulse of this profession.
So, let's talk about what leads to success... and what leads to failure, when you head to marital therapy.
Just so you know....
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES:
Top 10 Myths of Marital Therapy
What Your Therapist WON'T Tell You
Why Is It "Therapy or Bust"?
Save The Marriage System -
Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right? Yes, your marriage is in crisis. But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage. Right?
Not so fast.
Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance. Not less. It does not lead to connection and healing, but more stand-off. More insistence that nothing can be done. That the marriage is beyond repair. And that the only solution is dissolution.
So, if begging, arguing, convincing, and cajoling won’t work, what will?
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we explore the concept of force, and how to shift it toward your goal of saving your marriage.
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES
Don’t Convince
Working on Connection
Book: Beyond The 3 Barriers
Book: How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps
Save The Marriage System -
On a regular basis (meaning, several times each week), I have a discussion with a client that ends in the client saying, "I can't...." Yes, they finish the sentence in many ways. But the start of the sentence is my focus: "I can't."
I have a colleague that responds to clients who say, "I can't," with "You can." That doesn't quite get there, though. At least for me, I don't think that is the whole answer.
Over the years, I noticed that "can't" is far more complex than we notice.
You may have heard that in other languages, there are multiple words to describe what another language would only have as a single word. For instance, the Greek language has multiple words to say, "love." And at least in lore, there are many words in Inuit to say, "snow."
There should be, in my opinion, multiple words for "can't." But here we are, often with conversations ending with "I can't."
So, I will take it further. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I note four different "can'ts." One really, truly, is. One is really, truly, NOT. And the other two, you have to work through.
If you find yourself saying, "I can't save my marriage," or "I can't change," or "I can't see a way," you may want to take a listen. You may be stuck in a "can't" that isn't.
Listen below!
RELATED RESOURCES:
The Certainty Trap Episode
Stuck In Negativity Episode
The Connection Compass Articles
The Save The Marriage System -
Can one person save a marriage, even if your spouse doesn’t want it?
I do say that my Save The Marriage System can save your marriage, even if only you want it.
But what can you really do, if your spouse is checked out and not sure they want to stay married?
I answer another listener question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. Is it really possible to save a marriage working alone? This is important because so many people don’t believe there is anything that can be done, once a spouse has checked out. This is not accurate. And it means that many people who could save their marriage and rebuild, don’t. They walk away in defeat.
So, what CAN you do? First, I tackle what you CAN’T do. Then, we turn our attention to what CAN be done, even if it is only you interested (right now).
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES:
Read my article on The Pause Button Marriage
Find my book, How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps
Find my Save The Marriage System
Learn more about Connection
Learn more about Conflict -
This is a SPECIAL EDITION of the Save The Marriage Podcast!
Why? Because we are on the cusp of an elevated threat to marriages... and it might include your's.
There are 3 periods in the year that see a spike in divorce filings and inquiries. We are facing one right now: the beginning of summer. In the States, that is marked by Memorial Day (coming up very quickly). For other countries, it may be another week or two off. But we are slip-sliding right toward it.
In this audio version of a video training, I tell you why this season is a spike, and what to do so that your marriage is not a casualty (but the time to get started is NOW!). -
In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis. There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis.
This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis. And just to let you know: you are NOT at stage 1. That would be Asleep. This is the point when you are not even aware that things are in trouble. You are blissfully unaware of — or choosing to not notice — the looming marriage crisis that is already underway.
But then you wake up to find yourself in the midst of a troubled relationship, a hurting marriage!
Your spouse may be further along the process, and your marriage may be further along the progression of the crisis. That is independent of your own awareness of the crisis.
In this episode of the marriage crisis, I discuss the 4 stages of crisis awareness, and the 1 thing you need to do — along with some thoughts on how to/how NOT to do that very thing.
Listen in below.
RELATED RESOURCES
FACT of the Crisis
Can The Marriage Be Saved?
Why It Matters
Happy or Hurting?
Save The Marriage System -
There is a better than 80% chance that, at this moment, you are a Chaser. In doing a little informal research, I noticed that about 90% of the people who read my articles, listen to my podcast, read my b0oks, or use my System, are chasing right now.
Why? Because right now, their spouse (and likely, your spouse) is being a Spacer. The Chaser/Spacer pattern can vary over time -- who is doing which, how fast both are moving, and what the distance looks like. Sometimes, couple switch roles. Usually, because the Chaser gives up and becomes the Spacer, causing the Spacer to suddenly shift to being the Chaser.
There HAS to be a better way... right?
Right??
Why yes, yes there is. So glad you asked!
In this podcast, I tell you about the Chaser/Spacer roles, how they come to be, why the are so problematic, and why they don't have to be permanent roles or patterns. We unwind it.
And I tell you about the better role.
Listen below to discover how to stop being the Chaser or Spacer... and what to do, instead!
RELATED RESOURCES:
Why Connection Matters
What Space Means
The Save The Marriage System -
Many people tell me of their desperation to find intimacy -- and their sadness over not having it in their marriage.
But is it possible to find that intimacy? Is there a path to intimacy in your marriage??
There are choices people make... that often lead them away from intimacy -- not toward it! This isn't on purpose. They just don't know better.
The path to intimacy may not be something you learned -- or even saw in relationships around you!
But there IS a path. That path has 4 steps to get there.
Unfortunately, many people decide to leave in steps 2 and 3, not realizing just how close they are to intimacy. True intimacy.
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we look at the path. I'll tell you about each of the 4 steps along the path... and how to make a shift toward intimacy... just when you think you've missed it.
Yes, you can find intimacy. You just need to know the path to take. Let's get it covered for you!
Listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES
Dealing with Conflict
2 Necessary Feelings
Marriage and Self-Expansion
Save The Marriage System -
You hit the Pause Button on your marriage. I get it. You didn't realize you were doing it, and didn't know it was a problem. You just thought you were dealing with life -- the kids, a career, activities... life.
But while you didn't know it was a problem, it is. In fact, it is the big reason that marriages get into trouble. Yes, there are lots of symptoms of the problem. The underlying problem, though, is disconnection... from hitting the Pause.
Relationships don't go into suspended animation, just awaiting re-animation. Nope, they are either growing or receding. And a paused relationship is receding.
Then, suddenly, you realize there is a problem. It was brewing for awhile. But since you were disconnected, you missed the signs. Until it was a crisis.
And then, you go from Pause Button to Panic Button.
Now, you have to deal with both the paused marriage and the panic problem. You have to find a way to heal the disconnection AND deal with the crisis.
How do you do it?
We talk about it on this week's episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. You can listen below.
RELATED RESOURCES
Why Pause Is A Problem
The 7 Stages of Disconnection
Healing Disconnection
Save The Marriage System -
Yes, this is the #1 thing people request in therapy. And no, fixing it will not fix your marriage.
This is part rant, part warning, and part explanation. Because, communication skills has somehow become a central tenet of hurting marriages. So, therapists teach them, clients request them, and marriages just don't get better.
When I was in training, this somehow became the default approach, even after all the theory and explanations of problems in a marriage. Lots of very convoluted, confusing theories were proposed, and then, the treatment?
Teach communication skills!
Which is probably why marriage therapy has such abysmal results. When you look at the actual research, 50% of marriages that seek therapy still end up divorced. Pretty much the overall national average for any marriage. And only 10 to 15% of couples report any improvement. Let me say that again: any improvement.
Why? Well there are multiple issues (I discuss them right here) behind this. But a big reason is this emphasis on communication skills. And yet, when I am meeting with a couple, almost always, I understand everything they are saying. And they seem to understand each other! That is not the issue.
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you why this isn't going to save your marriage, and how to make a shift to what can.
Listen below!
RELATED RESOURCES:
Podcast: 3 Problems with Therapy
Substack: The Connection Compass
Program: The Save The Marriage System - Visa fler
