Avsnitt
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When we are struggling or feeling 'emotionally messy', instinctively, many of us try to hide that vulnerability from others because of a fear we’ll be seen as weak, unworthy, flawed, and we will lose love, connection and approval in our lives. But research shows that when we share our vulnerability and struggles with others it actually makes us stronger, improves our connection and deepens their love and approval of us.
In this episode I share the science around what researchers have dibbed 'the beautiful mess effect' and give you some tips to embrace the beautiful mess effect and get the support, connection and resilience you need when navigating messy times.
Key Links and notes:
Melli O’Brien: https://melliobrien.com
Waitlist for the deep resilience experience course release (currently the waitlist is on our old course page called headstrong https://melliobrien.com/headstrong-program/ here )
Get your free Deep Resilience Care Package: https://melliobrien.com/#deep-resilience-care-package
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We all encounter difficult dilemmas in life at one point or another where we don't know what to do yet. What can happen in these times is we can easily tip into spending our days endlessly ruminating and worrying about it, often making ourselves really stressed in the process.
In this episode I share a three step method to navigate our dilemas in a more empowering way and maintain greater freedom and peace of mind on the way to finding our answers.
Key Links and notes:
Melli O’Brien: https://melliobrien.com
Waitlist for the Deep Resilience Experience course release (currently the waitlist is on our old course page called Headstrong https://melliobrien.com/headstrong-program/ here)
Get your free Deep Resilience Care Package: https://melliobrien.com/#deep-resilience-care-package
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Saknas det avsnitt?
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We all have those moments where the voice in the head starts to whisper things like: This isn’t going to work. You're not good enough, you're not talented enough, or you're not smart enough or experienced enough to do that. Who do you think you are? You're too short, too tall, too hairy, too geeky. It will never work!
And when we get hooked by self-doubt narratives it can crush our confidence, lower our self-worth, hold us back from the things we really care about and make us feel anxious and depressed.
So how can we overcome it? In this episode, I share a three-step method to overcome self-doubt so that you can follow your dreams, achieve your goals, perform at your best and enjoy life more fully.
Key Links and notes:
Melli O’Brien: https://melliobrien.com
Waitlist for the Deep Resilience Experience course release (currently the waitlist is on our old course page called Headstrong https://melliobrien.com/headstrong-program/ here)
Get your free Deep Resilience Care Package: https://melliobrien.com/#deep-resilience-care-package
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Overthinking comes in many forms but by far the main two types are rumination (which can lead to feelings of unworthiness, depression and self-doubt) and worry (which gives rise to stress, anxiety and overwhelm).
Research shows that overthinking is linked to mental illnesses such as clinical depression and anxiety. Simply put, overthinking is not a useful mental habit. It hurts and hinders us.
So how can we overcome it? In this episode, I share a simple practice you can use to shift overthinking into a more empowering, helpful and skillful way of thinking.
Key Links and notes:
Melli O’Brien: https://melliobrien.com
Waitlist for the Deep Resilience Experience course release (currently the waitlist is on our old course page called Headstrong https://melliobrien.com/headstrong-program/ here)
Get your free Deep Resilience Care Package: https://melliobrien.com/#deep-resilience-care-package
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When I am working with clients to help them become mentally stronger, one concern that often comes up is how they will be able to handle their most dark and disturbing thoughts. They often feel very intimidated, frightened or overwhelmed by them and worry about the effects of these thoughts in their life.
However, when I am able to show them how to transform their relationship to these thoughts there is a huge sense of relief and release and renewed confidence.
In this episode of Deep Resilience I walk you through three foundational tools to start to approach your dark thoughts in more adaptive, helpful and life-affirming ways so you can find relief from stress and suffering and find greater freedom and peace of mind.
Key Links and notes:
Melli O’Brien: https://melliobrien.com
Learn meditation at mindfulness.com (I have a 10 and 30-day course on there you can take).
Waitlist for the Deep Resilience Experience course release: (currently the waitlist is on our old course page called Headstrong) https://melliobrien.com/headstrong-program/
Get your free Deep Resilience Care Package: https://melliobrien.com/#deep-resilience-care-package
*Notes from the episode: Three steps
-Let go of any judgment
-Make room for them. Allow them to be there
-Change your relationship to thoughts
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When we get thrown a curveball in life we can start to feel really stuck in a situation. We may feel disempowered, defeated, broken, overwhelmed or like we cannot cope. This feeling of stuckness can leave us debilitated and unable to move forward.
Often in my work with clients, I find that, if we explore closer we usually find that they are not stuck, their thoughts are. in other words, their mind is telling them ’stuck' stories. Telling them they cannot cope, telling them there’s no way through an obstacle, telling them they have or will fail, it’s hopeless, they will never be the same.
In this episode of Deep Resilience, I walk you through the tools to let go of unhelpful thoughts that keep you stuck and show you simple ways to meet what is arising with more flexibility, resilience and creativity.
Key Links and notes:
Melli O’Brien: https://melliobrien.com
Get your free Deep Resilience Care Package: https://melliobrien.com/#deep-resilience-care-package
**Questions from the episode
Am I approaching this problem with a helpful intention, a helpful state of mind? If not, what can I change?
What would be a few different possibilities to move forward or find a new way through?
What would I do here if I wasn't afraid at all?
What's something I haven't thought of yet that could make this better?
What matters to me in this situation deep in my heart? What is the most important thing? (take actions toward that most important thing)
Am I being totally honest with myself about everything that's happening to me in this situation? (am I stuck or scared?)
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We've all had times where somebody has said or done something that we felt really hurt by. There is the initial event that happened but then we often continue mulling over it, fanning the flames of resentment and anger within us, and keeping the heartache alive.
Sometimes we might keep carrying a resentment for weeks, months or years. What we don’t realise is that resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person suffers. It’s us who carries the hate, the ill will, the bitterness, the grudge.
In this episode of Deep Resilience, I walk you through four steps to let go of resentment: Understanding, acceptance, accountability and forgiveness.
By releasing resentment towards another you find peace and strength in yourself.
Key Links and notes:
Melli O’Brien: https://melliobrien.com
Get your free Deep Resilience Care Package: https://melliobrien.com/#deep-resilience-care-package
**The forgiveness phrase you can say to yourself from the episode: “I forgive you, I will hold no hostility in my heart, I wish you well.”
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When it comes to resilience, having strong relationships is foundational. Research also shows that strong relationships are a predictor of happiness, good health and longevity. Needless to say, it's worth investing in keeping our relationships, healthy, strong and meaningful.
In this episode of Deep Resilience, I encourage you to try five tips to strengthen your bonds with loved ones and improve the quality of your relationships so that they flourish, thrive and add more fullness, richness and love to your life
They are:
Quality Time
Effective Communication
Learning Conflict Resolution Skills
Express Appreciation
Honor Individuality
Key Links:
Melli O’Brien: https://melliobrien.com
Get your free Deep Resilience Care Package: https://melliobrien.com/#deep-resilience-care-package
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The practice of realizing interdependence is about really knowing, not just in our mind but in our whole being, that we are not separate from the world around us. That we exist in a large web of interconnectedness. It is returning to wisdom and belonging.
We live in a culture that devalues wisdom and emphasises materialism, individualism and independence. A culture that has an almost shameful view of dependence on others and the web of life.
In this episode of Deep Resilience, I encourage you to accept the truth of interdependence, challenge the status quo view, come into harmony with the way life is and tap into the deeper wisdom and strength within you.
Key Links:
Melli O’Brien: https://melliobrien.com
Get your free Deep Resilience Care Package: https://melliobrien.com/#deep-resilience-care-package
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When we're going through really difficult times it's common for the mind to tip into unhelpful patterns that amplify instead of alleviating our distress, keeping us locked in loops of anxiety, pessimism and reactivity. Racing and repetitive thoughts ramp up our suffering and drag us into disempowerment.
But if we can find our point of power in stressful times, research shows that we can let go of overwhelm and navigate forward with more calm, confidence and inner strength.
In this episode of Deep Resilience, I walk you through the two-step process of finding your point of power in any situation allowing you to feel more centered, act more effectively and find peace in the middle of it all.
Key Links:
Melli O’Brien: https://melliobrien.com
Get your free Deep Resilience Care Package: https://melliobrien.com/#deep-resilience-care-package
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Sometimes, things go wrong. Unfortunate things happen. We make mistakes. We all know this is an unavoidable part of life, but there may be something working in the background that can transform these moments from mere setbacks into inflated beliefs about our character. When we personalise these events, conflating what happened with who we are, we become defined by our failures, increasing negative thoughts, lowering self-esteem and even causing social anxiety or depression.
In this episode of Deep Resilience, I encourage you to separate your actions from your identity, consider the situation from all angles and question the validity of the negative narratives that emerge. By fostering an objective, depersonalised approach, you can begin to tease apart guilt from shame and move forward with greater strength, wisdom and empowerment.
Key Links:
Transforming Guilt into Wisdom: https://open.spotify.com/episode/05Ljm6m26pgyu7OBo63YEl
Melli O’Brien: https://melliobrien.com
Get your free Deep Resilience Care Package: https://melliobrien.com/#deep-resilience-care-package
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We all want a better life, but is our pursuit of it actually making us happier? In many instances, the answer is no. This is where the Jevons paradox comes in. The Jevons Paradox is named for the nineteenth-century economist William Stanley Jevons. He noticed that as steam engines, powered by coal, became ever more efficient, Britain’s appetite for coal increased rather than decreased.
The paradox still exists today. The latest renewable energy technologies are not resulting in a decrease in climate change for instance. I think this same principle applies to our desire to make a better life for ourselves. Today, the latest ideas on how to be better and have a better life (look better, get richer, have more and better stuff, achieve more success) can lead to unintended consequences.
It turns out that pursuing ever-more activities designed to make ourselves and our lives better often leads us to feel greater stress, dissatisfaction and disconnection with the things that truly matter.
The problem isn’t the actual technology or wanting to make positive changes. The problem starts within, with a simple mindset shift. In this episode, I offer a way to counter the Jevons paradox and become more self-aware, genuinely happy and authentic.
Key Links:
Melli O’Brien: https://melliobrien.com
Get your free Deep Resilience Care Package: https://melliobrien.com/#deep-resilience-care-package
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Identifying and expressing our emotions effectively can one tricky but being able talk about our feelings with others is really important, not only to our relationships with others but for our own mental health, quality of life and overall wellbeing.
In this episode of the podcast I offer you a helpful three step framework to help you identify your emotions and the reasons behind them clearly. Then communicate them in a way that defuses defensiveness and fosters understanding, mutual respect and helpful outcomes.
Key Links:
Melli O’Brien: https://melliobrien.com
Get your free Deep Resilience Care Package: https://melliobrien.com/#deep-resilience-care-package
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We all grow up with messaging about what’s “normal”: a normal family, a normal body, a normal life. We may not be conscious of it, but these ideas can linger in the backwaters of our minds and hinder our ability to live with agency and authenticity. The truth, though, is that the idea of “normal” is a myth, and constant striving to close the gap between the reality we live in and how we think things are supposed to be can breed shame and self-doubt, leaving us feeling isolated and unworthy.
In this episode of Deep Resilience, I share some “not-normal” aspects of myself that I once struggled with but now embrace. I invite you to identify the conflicts between who you are and your idea of who you’re supposed to be and bring them into the light. By breaking out of the tight box of “normal” and the judgments it imposes, you can step into your uninhibited self-expression and cultivate compassionate understanding, which can then be extended to others.
Key Links:
Melli O’Brien: https://melliobrien.com
Get your free Deep Resilience Care Package: https://melliobrien.com/#deep-resilience-care-package
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Change is inevitable, but that doesn’t make it easy. Even positive life transitions can feel destabilising, and our excitement can quickly be transcended by stress and overwhelm. Whether we are navigating major or minor-scale change, there are steps we can take to help move through these shifts with greater ease and confidence, allowing us to anchor ourselves amidst life’s turbulent tides and emerge stronger on the other side.
In this episode of Deep Resilience, I present five invaluable strategies to foster an affirming and grounding approach to life's changes, big or small. Wherever you currently find yourself, I encourage you to explore how these concepts can be applied broadly to enhance your overall wellbeing and state of mind.
Key Links:
Melli O’Brien: https://melliobrien.com
Get your free Deep Resilience Care Package: https://melliobrien.com/#deep-resilience-care-package
Join the waitlist for Headstrong, Melli's 8-week online training course: https://melliobrien.com/headstrong-program/
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Guilt is a complex and often uncomfortable emotion, and while we might find it distressing to experience, it holds immense potential for constructive growth if we tune into its insights. Often mistaken for shame, which can become debilitating and detrimental to our self-esteem and wellbeing, guilt offers an avenue to realign with our values and authentic selves. In making this distinction and reflecting on the source of our guilt and the actions and circumstances that prompted it, we can fully embrace the wisdom it has to offer and commit to positive change.
In this episode of Deep Resilience, I elucidate the crucial difference between guilt and shame and the importance of separating who you are from your actions. I guide you to investigate the emotion with empathy and transform the experience from disempowerment into one of motivation, inner strength, and mental clarity.
Key Links:
Melli O’Brien: https://melliobrien.com
Get your free Deep Resilience Care Package: https://melliobrien.com/#deep-resilience-care-package
Join the waitlist for Headstrong, Melli's 8-week online training course: https://melliobrien.com/headstrong-program/
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Anyone who has experienced grief knows how profoundly painful and scary it can be. It can totally overwhelm and debilitate us, and in our attempts to escape or push through in any way we can, it’s easy to tip into maladaptive or unhelpful coping mechanisms, making an already difficult time feel even more impossible. Amidst the turmoil, taking some time to contemplate and address our needs can help us navigate this inherently painful journey with gentle, life-affirming, and rejuvenating clarity.
In this episode of Deep Resilience, I share four key questions to ask yourself in times of grief to promote nourishment and self-compassion. Reflecting on your answers will illuminate potential unmet needs and guide you in taking nurturing action, however small, to care for yourself and replenish your strength.
Key Links:
Melli O’Brien: https://melliobrien.com
Get your free Deep Resilience Care Package: https://melliobrien.com/#deep-resilience-care-package
Join the waitlist for Headstrong, Melli's 8-week online training course: https://melliobrien.com/headstrong-program/
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Trauma can seem a weighty term, but the truth is most of us have had experiences in life that have that have somehow burdened or constrained us. Some of us are so impacted we feel completely stuck, broken, hopeless. While we can’t change the events of the past, it is possible to heal. The wounds we carry are not what happened to us but what happened within us, and though this psychological scarring is enduring, it doesn’t have to be permanent.
In this episode of Deep Resilience, I touch upon expert Dr. Gabor Maté’s insights about the nature and dynamics of trauma. I invite you to begin an unburdening process of recognition and reconnection with yourself, and introduce various evidence-based therapeutic modalities for more supported healing.
Key Links:
Melli O’Brien: https://melliobrien.com
Get your free Deep Resilience Care Package: https://melliobrien.com/#deep-resilience-care-package
Join the waitlist for Headstrong, Melli's 8-week online training course: https://melliobrien.com/headstrong-program/
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Spending time alone is an important and healthy part of being human, but becoming isolated or emotionally disconnected from others can naturally lead to painful feelings of loneliness, even if we aren’t actually alone. Most of us thrive in healthy communities with close relationships, so when loneliness signals our social needs are not being met, instead of becoming overwhelmed, we can take empowered action to restore feelings of control, hopefulness and resilience.
In this episode of Deep Resilience, I expand on last week’s episode and offer practical steps you can take right now to protect your wellbeing and strengthen your bonds with others. I introduce a three-step framework to clarify the cause of loneliness in the context of your specific needs and circumstances and transform the experience into one of insight and self-actualisation.
Key Links:
Melli O’Brien: https://melliobrien.com
Get your free Deep Resilience Care Package: https://melliobrien.com/#deep-resilience-care-package
Join the waitlist for Headstrong, Melli's 8-week online training course: https://melliobrien.com/headstrong-program/
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Loneliness can consume us, often triggering depression and pulling us into deeper isolation. To cope with this, we are typically advised to escape or repress the feeling by remaining busy, distracted and preoccupied, but this can ultimately exacerbate our suffering and leave us burnt out. An emotion apt to cause so much pain may seem an obvious enemy, but in changing our relationship with loneliness, we begin to recognise it as an ally offering valuable insight about our fundamental need for connection.
In this episode of Deep Resilience, I clarify the distinction between feeling lonely and simply being alone and tease apart the mental storylines we attach to each. From here, you can create the space to mindfully investigate the feeling and adopt a more skillful and life-affirming approach, fostering a deeper connection with yourself and your needs.
Key Links:
Melli O’Brien: https://melliobrien.com
Get your free Deep Resilience Care Package: https://melliobrien.com/#deep-resilience-care-package
Join the waitlist for Headstrong, Melli's 8-week online training course: https://melliobrien.com/headstrong-program/
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