Avsnitt
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Hey!
As a followup to my conversation with Harling and Crystal, I wanted to home in on my most frequently asked question: Whatâs surprised me about motherhood? In this episode I tell you nine things about having a baby that have turned out totally different than I expected, in good ways and bad.
Also curious to hear your own answers to this question, or reactions to mine!
Thanks for listening,Haley
p.s. If youâre the type to notice, Wednesday is my new podcast publish day!
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Hi!!
Iâm back on the sauce (listening to my own voice a sickening amount). Kicking things off with an episode about having a baby, with my friends Harling and Crystal, who also just had babies. I do want to apologize for talking about our buttholes, but certain things needed to be said. This will be a 2-part conversation. This week weâre covering:
-Whatâs going on with our bodies postpartum-Birth and the days after-Whatâs surprised us the most (Iâve thought of like 20 things I didnât include since recording thisâŚ)-Sleep deprivation-& more!
Next week weâll be covering: Whether we bonded with our babies right away, relationship stuff, philosophies about sharing our kids online, how weâre relating to friends without kids, and whether we have anything to add to the âkids or no kidsâ question now that weâre on the other side.
Hit us up in the comments with your thoughts! I know you asked so many other good questionsâI plan to cover them in future episodes. (Gotta get Avi in here too.)
Thanks for listening!Haley
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Saknas det avsnitt?
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Hello!
I got a great question in my Dear Baby bank last month that felt better suited to a solo podcast than my written column, so Iâve decided to dedicate an entire episode to it. It concerns influencing, sponcon, advertising, selling out, and what constitutes a morally impactful choice in any of those realms. This episode is sort of a sequel to my answer to last monthâs question about navigating immoral desires.
Thanks for listening!Haley
P.s. Hereâs the question in full if youâd like to read it yourself versus hear me read it at the beginning of the episode:
Hi Haley! I'm trying to work through some of my own thoughts on fame/influencer culture and sponcon and have been thinking a lot about the costs associated with doing good when many societal structures seem to incentivize greed, ambition in all its forms...aka doing bad. This prompted me to reread your âWhen I was an influencerâ newsletter and while I admire your dedication to your ideals, and often turn to you for clarity and understanding, my unsolicited POV is: I do wonder if you're being too hard on yourself?
I also wonder how you manage to uphold such strict values of no brand deals without becoming bitter or resentful that so many other people are profiting off doing a lot worse. As well, writing and many artistic pursuits are notoriously precarious and fraught with financial distress. Even so, writers and people who are similarly public about their desire to "do good" are often held to standards of purity politics which to me feel unfair when we don't hold people in other professions (investment bankers, tech engineers, etc.) to the same standards.
To be clear, I don't think doing sponcon (depending what it is) is even bad, necessarily, (perhaps neutral?) so I wonder why you think it is antithetical to what you are trying to do with your writing. I feel like writers deserve some kind of opportunity to make money, too...they are more deserving than so many people who are exploiting systems IMO. Judging by the products you do share (which are by no means "needs" but lovely recommendations, many of which I've purchased and enjoyed), I wonder why you think opting out of sponcon entirely is the best form of activism?
Women (and people in general) are always buying products (some that we need, some that we genuinely want that make our lives better, and some that we don't want but are indoctrinated into wanting and lead us to a cycle of needless purchasing to mask our feelings of inferiority.) That is to say, I don't think all consumption is the same and perhaps if you advertised product that you believed in, it could have greater impact than promoting nothing? Isn't there a road where you could actually amplify and share brands you love that are making quality products or which are sustainably made? Like, is sharing an Amazon link of a cervical neck stretching device bad in and of itself because it's from Amazon and Jeff Bezos does not need more money, or is it only bad if you're profiting off that recommendation?
Presumably, not all your purchasing decisions align with your ideals either, so then is the issue not your individual purchase but propagating it to a larger audience? I'm sure you use skincare products but where is the line between advertising something you actually like for money versus making women feel deficient about their natural skin? (I'm thinking of Jessica DeFino's wonderful writing.) Also, if a brand came to you and wanted to invest in Maybe Baby in a way that would give you more freedom, money, time off, etc. and if you actually liked the product, would that be a bad deal? Isn't it a good thing for a brand to use some of their money to invest in the development of art or thinking...which is what you do?
All of this being said, I do think maybe I am missing something and I'd like to better understand what led you to maintaining a hard NO on sponcon now that you're in a position of financial stability. Do you ever waiver? Do you ever feel like you incur costs as a result of your moral code? Is it frustrating to do good and incur the financial losses when most people around you aren't holding themselves to the same standard?
I struggle with this but I also don't want to conveniently self-mythologize to make it easier to sleep at night, ya know?! Isn't it an oversimplification to say âselling out is always a prerequisite to fameâ? To some people, you're famous (I know you don't think so but you still have a considerable IG following and are recognizable to many) and you certainly haven't sold out. Of course, you perpetuated certain structures to get to this position and then stopped when you felt secure which I think is so admirable. But even still, what is selling out? Is it one brand deal? Is it multiple? What is fame? Is it reaching Oprah status or is it just trying to break six figures as an influencer?
Help me make sense of this please. I hope none of the above came across as a criticism. I just truly adore everything you write and I felt like having you engage with my nonsensical brain might help me better understand my own views.
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Hey!
After revealing on Sunday that Avi and I are trying to have a kid, I am finally prepared to unload the 1,000+ thoughts I have on this process, the decisions that led to it, and what Iâve learned since I started. I have neverrrrrr recorded this long of a solo podcast. I had so many things to stay I was literally out of BREATH, lol. Since this one has a pretty clear topic breakdown, I am bestowing timestamps (rare):
0-4:58: Intro/why Iâm recording this episode
4:58-27:50: How I decided I wanted kids and when I knew it was the right time (+ some bones I have to pick with the discourse around this!)
27:50-34:25: How I feel about sidelining my creative/intellectual pursuits
34:25-39:36: How Iâm navigating fears around labor imbalances in my relationship that having kids may create/exacerbate
39:36-40:35: How I feel about having a kid without being married
40:35-43:51: What not to say to a friend who is struggling with the âtryingâ process (based on what I do/donât prefer to hear)
43:51-47:56: Whether Avi and I have seen a specialist/how I feel about medical intervention
47:56-1:05:06: My experience with the literal trying process: Details on how I prepared, what itâs actualllllly like, how Iâve felt, perspectives that have helped me as itâs gone on
1:05:06-1:10:26: How Iâve talked to friends and fam about âtryingâ/what I decided to share
1:10:26-1:17:38: Whether itâs made sex weird/more fun/worse/awkward
1:17:38-1:21:36: The fun, exciting (and dare I say beautiful) parts of this process
Thanks so much for your great questions. Iâll be hanging around the comments to discuss!
Haley
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Hey!
Welcome to another episode of Dear Danny, Dannyâs-on-a-haunted-ranch edition. Today weâll be answering six questions, about asymmetrical friendships, whether to rat out a lying boss, an ethical-non-monagomy-related pickle, how to trust yourself, how to deal with friends who wonât stop talking about the same problems, and how to stop moving your own âŚ
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Hey!
Itâs Dear Danny time. This week weâre answering questions about friend envy, birthday sadness, romance on drugs, regrettable favors, body hair, and falling in love with a friend.
Thanks for listening,Haley
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Hi!
Back with a Voice Note today about aging, and especially the cultural scripts around what happens as you do it. On Sunday I mentioned that my 30s have been more dynamic than cultural scripts indicated they would, and in this episode I talk more about what I meant by that. This is not a diatribe about what it means to be any particular age, but rather what I think it means to age (a.k.a. continue to be alive) in general.
Hope you enjoy!Haley
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This week I invited Avi and Harling back on the podcast to debrief on Nathan Fielderâs new show The Rehearsal and all the dramatic discourse surrounding it. Two pieces we reference are âThe Cruel and Arrogant Gaze of Nathan Fielderâs The Rehearsal,â by Richard Brody for The New Yorker and âMissed Connections: How to Tell if Nathan For You Is For Youâ a 2016 essay by Emma Healey for The LA Review of Books. We also dabble in some Love Island discussion and weigh in on The Bear.
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Good morning,
I asked my good friend Harling Ross to come back onto the podcast today to discuss Leslie Jamisonâs essay âDreaming in Broad Daylightâ for Astra Mag, which we both loved. This conversation is about the piece specifically, but also about what it means to write honestly (versus âauthenticallyâ or through confession), why a lot of modern writing falls short, and in the last segment, what we secretly daydream about, no holds barred. We also randomly talk about going to the gymâŚ
Pardon the New York City sounds in the background, we recorded in my office downtown.
Thanks for listening!Haley
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Hi!
Dannyâs back and rested up like a good boy. Today we have a full ep for you answering five questions: on finding a boyfriendâs secret Twitter account, on grappling with the politics of weddings, on dreading going to weddings, on the loneliness of living alone, and how to know if itâs worth committing to a partner forever. Thank you so much as always for calling in. Your messages literally make me cryâŚ
Hope you enjoy,Haley
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Hey!
Very excited to welcome the psychologist Dr. Barry Schwartz to the podcast today. I first spoke with Barry for this piece I wrote for the Times (and loved him), and was super grateful when he agreed to speak again for the Maybe Baby podcast. Barry is famous for his research on choice (especially how, at a certain point, freedom of choice increases anxiety), but his work touches so many related topics, like luck, justice, and politics. His most recent research is on how we respond when we believe our choices reflect who we are as people. I write and think about this sort of thing all the time, and was excited to ask him about what heâs found in his research.
In this conversation we touch on: comparison culture on social media, class differences when it comes to choice, the benefits and perils of individualism, political in-fighting, choice feminism (lol), dating and marriage (!), college admissions, and more. And I feel like we could have talked so much longer!
Hope you enjoy,Haley
This month a portion of subscriber proceeds will be redistributed to Labor Notes, âa media and organizing project that has been the voice of union activists who want to put the movement back in the labor movement since 1979.â
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Hey!
Welcome back to Dear Danny, my podcast version of Dear Baby wherein my friend Danny and I discuss your questions and more. Today weâll be talking about cologne, body image, infidelity, moving in with a partner, road trips, how to make friends as an adult, and whether Danny is nice enough on this podcast. I also randomly throw in a Dave Chapelle take in the beginning of the ep that I regret! Lol. Because ultimately Iâm less interested in whether Chapelle is worthy of being a thought leader and more interested in how we, as a culture, respond to bad ideas. But I guess thatâs an essay for another time. Anyway thank you for being here, and thanks for dealing with Dannyâs underground-sounding audio (he literally was underground when we recorded, in his defense).
Hope you enjoy!Haley
This month a portion of subscriber proceeds will be redistributed to Make the Road New York, the largest progressive grassroots immigrant-led organization in New York state, focusing on issues like education, housing, immigration, policing, and labor justice.
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Hi!
Welcome back to Pop Quiz, my semi-regular pop culture roundup, this time with returning expert Avi Bonnerjee and perfect human Michelle Uranowitz (maybe you remember her from this ep about spiraling on Instagram). This week we discuss everything from Lordeâs rebrand to John Mulaneyâs PR disaster to my latest Instagram follow. And so much more! Although sadly we recorded this before the VMAs or the Met Gala like idiotsâŚ.
Some links to things we mention:
Celebrity Memoir Book Club podcastChristy Carlson Romanoâs YouTube channelLordeâs âSolar Powerâ music videoClairo on FallonâTwitter Has a Parasocial Relationship With the Word Parasocial,â by Sarah Hagi for GawkerJohn Mulaneyâs weird Seth Myers appearanceThe Housewife & the Hustler on HuluâThe Reality of Reality Television,â by Mark Grief for N+1Salon.com on (of course) Mike Lindell@regret_counter_Hunter S. Thompsonâs morning routine
Iâm sure Iâm missing some but anyway hope you enjoy!
Thanks for listening,Haley
This month a portion of subscriber proceeds will be redistributed to Center for Popular Democracy, a pro-worker, pro-immigrant advocacy group and network of over 50 community organizations working in low-income communities across the United States. Theyâre currently focused on the eviction crisis.
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Hi!
Today weâre back with another episode of Dear Danny, in which my friend Danny comes on to discuss and debate five reader questions with me. Up this week:
* Do you think it's possible for women to see themselves as feminist and progressive whilst expecting chivalry from men in a more traditional sense?
* Most of my life feels unspectacular compared to the life Iâve always dreamed of leading. Am I being delusional? How can I cultivate a rich life?
* How do you navigate (really, really) not liking the person your friend is dating? Is it worth it letting this get in the way of your friendship?
* A higher-up at work coached me to try to stop leading with âI thinkââto just make the statement and it'll be stronger. I notice you use âI thinkâ a lot. Thoughts?
* In some of your writing, you talk about âperforming personality,â which I've thought about often. When do you notice yourself performing your personality, and how do you avoid it?
This is a good one! We both cried a bunch before it and generally stayed on topic. I hope you love it.
Thanks for listening,Haley
This month a portion of subscriber proceeds will be redistributed to National Bail Out, a collective of abolitionist organizers, lawyers, and activists focused on ending pre-trial detention and mass incarceration through community-based advocacy.
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Hi!
Today, random man Avi Bonnerjee comes on the pod to discuss this monthâs Dear Baby newsletter, which covered woke culture, turning 30, going to therapy, putting out creative work when youâre not confident in it, and getting a tattoo as an overthinking type. Avi has a few different perspectives to add to the mix.
Some links to things we mention:âRace to the Bottom,â by KimberlĂŠ Williams Crenshaw for The BafflerâThe Therapy App Fantasy,â by Molly Fischer for The CutSeth Godinâs Design Matters interviewTATTOO by Henk Schiffmacher
Thanks for listening!Haley
This month a portion of subscriber proceeds will be redistributed to Transgender Law Center, a trans-led organization grounded in legal expertise focused on community-driven strategies to liberate transgender and gender-noncomforing people.
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Hey!
This week I invited beauty critic Jessica DeFino on the pod to talk about beauty culture. This is a followup to my Sunday newsletter about beauty anxiety. We discuss everything from Botox and the problem with âclean beauty,â to the source of beauty standards and the costs and benefits of divesting from them.
Some links to things we mention + Jessicaâs work:
-My own quitting makeup story-Thick by Tracie McMillan Cottom-Adweekâs feature on Doveâs âcampaign for real beautyâ-Contrapointsâs YouTube essay on beauty-Jessica for Fashionista: âPeople Are Now Getting Botox & Fillers As Forms of Self-Careâ-Jessica for Teen Vogue: âHow White Supremacy & Capitalism Influence Beauty Standardsâ-Jessica for HelloGiggles: âClean Beauty May Be Non-Toxic, But It Still Sells Toxic Beauty Standardsâ
You can also check out Jessicaâs newsletter, The Unpublishable, where she writes about this stuff every week, or follow her on Instagram.
Thanks for listening!Haley
This month a portion of subscriber proceeds will be redistributed to Transgender Law Center, a trans-led organization grounded in legal expertise focused on community-driven strategies to liberate transgender and gender-noncomforing people.
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Hi!
So happy to have on my friend Michelle Uranowitz this week to discuss Instagram. Michelle is an actor, filmmaker, and teacher, and I think youâll love her as much as I do. In this ep we rehash my Sunday newsletter on a more personal level, I make Michelle spiral when I analyze her Instagram, I spiral about whatever Iâm always spiraling about, and together we imagine what it could look like to embrace social media as a fundamentally inauthentic medium.
Pretty much the only article I bring up is this great one by Max Read! Also why not watch this unhinged & outrageous short film Michelle recently made with her boyfriend Daniel (who I also love)? Or Goodbye, Brooklyn, the short film that first introduced me to her? Much to watchâŚ
Thanks for listening!Haley
This month a portion of subscriber proceeds will be redistributed to Transgender Law Center, a trans-led organization grounded in legal expertise focused on community-driven strategies to liberate transgender and gender-noncomforing people.
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Hey!
Todayâs episode is inspired by how earnestly I cried at the end of the second season of Couples Therapy last week (which just dropped on Showtime). If youâre not familiar, Couples Therapy follows actual couples as they go through a series of sessions with a genius therapist named Orna, who also sees a therapist throughout the show. Itâs eerily intimate, occasionally tense, and surprisingly hopeful. Today I have two guests! A couples sex therapist name Ciara who also binge-watched and cried after Couples Therapy, and my friend and writer Meghan Nesmith, who loves going to couples therapy with her husband and has written about it before.
This ep is for anyone! Whether youâve seen the show or not. We do talk about the show a little (no spoilers) but not so much that you couldnât follow along. Mostly we talk about other stuff: whatâs difficult about couples therapy, whatâs been happening with couples in the pandemic, how to de-escalate a fight, how to deal with a âdesire discrepancy,â who could benefit from couples therapy, etc!
Hope you enjoy,Haley
This month a portion of subscriber proceeds will be redistributed to Transgender Law Center, a trans-led organization grounded in legal expertise focused on community-driven strategies to liberate transgender and gender-noncomforing people.
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Hey!
My friend Danny is back for another round of Dear Danny, the darker-but-more-fun counterpart to Dear Baby, wherein the two of us review the questions and answers in my last advice column and go deeper/wider/weirder. Today we discuss feeling uncool in New York, wanting to flee your life, aging, and the experimental CBD trial Danny is currently participating in/high on. And also a bunch of other things! Hereâs Danny posing on my roof right after we finished recording (for context):
Thanks for listening!Haley
This month a portion of subscriber proceeds will be redistributed to Covenant House, New York Cityâs largest provider serving homeless youths.
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Hi!
This weekâs episode is about getting married and having kids, or choosing to do neither. I invited on my former editor and deadpan friend Leslie Price, who is both married and a parent and has never been afraid to talk about the downsides. Leslie is a media veteran (Time, Curbed, Racked, Man Repeller, InStyle) and recently launched a newsletter called Gloria, for women embarking on midlife. You may have read an excerpt of this conversation on Sunday. Everyone is always talking about Leslieâs hair:
Links to things we mention:âWhat You Lose When You Gain a Spouse,â by Wendy Len Catron for The AtlanticMy interview with a woman experience postpartum depressionâThe Things We Donât Discuss,â by Jill Filipovic about the taboo of parental regretClaire and Ericaâs âA Thing or Twoâ podcast episode about being child-freeâLately Kids Have Had a Serious PR Problem,â by Emma Rosenblum
Thanks for listening!Haley
This month a portion of subscriber proceeds will be redistributed to Covenant House, New York Cityâs largest provider serving homeless youths.
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This is a public episode. If youâd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit haleynahman.substack.com/subscribe - Visa fler
