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In this episode of It's All Your Fault, Megan Hunter and Bill Eddy are joined by special guest Amanda Smith to discuss Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), continuing our Bringing It to Life series. They explore the common experiences of individuals with BPD, such as intense emotions, impulsive behaviors, and self-destructive tendencies.
The Power of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
Amanda highlights the effectiveness of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) in treating BPD, emphasizing the importance of group therapy in conjunction with individual therapy. She shares success stories of individuals who have made significant progress through court-ordered DBT treatment.Questions we answer in this episode:
What are the common experiences of individuals with BPD?How can individuals with BPD work towards recovery?Is court-ordered DBT treatment effective for individuals with BPD?Key Takeaways:
BPD is characterized by intense emotions, impulsive behaviors, and self-destructive tendencies.DBT, which combines individual and group therapy, is a highly effective treatment for BPD.Individuals with BPD can make significant progress towards recovery through consistent and dedicated treatment.This episode offers valuable insights into understanding Borderline Personality Disorder, exploring effective treatment options, and discussing the emotional struggles faced by individuals with BPD. Listeners will gain knowledge and strategies for supporting their loved ones on the path to recovery.
Links & Other Notes
GUEST
Amanda Smith, LCSWBOOKS
The Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness Planner for FamiliesThe Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness PlannerThe Big Book on Borderline Personality DisorderCOURSE
Online Borderline Personality Disorder Family Course [begins May 29, 2024]—led by Amanda SmithCoping with Chronic Suicidal Thinking and Planning: Success Strategies for Providers, Family Members, and Individuals Who Are Suffering [1-hour webinar Saturday, May 18 at 10:00 am Central--$29]ORGANIZATIONS
Hope for BPDNational Education Alliance for Borderline Personality DisorderMind.org.ukAustralia BPD Foundation Limited (listing of resources across Australia)ARTICLES
7 Tips for Working with Clients With Borderline Personality Disorder The New Elephant in the Room: Why All Professionals Need to Learn About Personality DisordersOUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:39) - Borderline Personality Disorder with Amanda Smith(02:11) - Amanda’s Background(03:18) - Diagnoses From Which You Can Work Your Way Free(06:03) - Common Experiences in BPD(10:38) - What Can Be Done?(14:43) - Being Held Accountable(20:58) - Court-Ordered Therapy?(23:08) - When They Don’t Change(26:46) - What Are They Feeling?(31:12) - Dissociation(32:53) - Wrap Up(33:11) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Part Two With AmandaLearn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!
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High Conflict Cases and Money: Navigating the Complexities
In this episode of It's All Your Fault, Bill and Megan are joined by special guest Kate Merrill, a California attorney specializing in complex divorce cases involving stock options and other business and corporate issues. As part of the Bringing It to Life series, they explore the intricacies of high conflict divorces involving money and finances.
Kate shares her unique perspective, having transitioned from a corporate attorney in Silicon Valley to a family law attorney. Her background in corporate law and MBA in finance enable her to approach these cases with a fresh perspective, uncovering hidden assets and untangling complex financial structures.
Bill and Megan discuss the common patterns of behavior exhibited by high conflict individuals in divorce cases involving money, including controlling finances and using manipulation tactics to hide assets or mislead their partners.
Questions we answer in this episode:
How can a background in corporate law and finance benefit high conflict divorce cases?What are the common patterns of behavior exhibited by high conflict individuals in divorce cases involving money?Why is it crucial for clients to be their own advocates and educated consumers of legal services?Key Takeaways:
Understanding corporate structures, compensation packages, and investment vehicles is essential in high conflict divorce cases involving money.Clients must be their own advocates and educated consumers of legal services, as most family lawyers may not have the specialized knowledge required to navigate complex financial matters.Conducting a thorough investigation into the financial history of a relationship can uncover hidden assets and manipulative tactics.This episode offers invaluable insights for anyone navigating a high conflict divorce involving money and finances, providing strategies to uncover the truth and achieve a fair outcome.
Links & Other Notes
GUEST
Attorney Kate MerrillBOOKS
High Conflict People in Legal DisputesDating RadarSplitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality DisorderORGANIZATIONS
Institute for Divorce Financial AnalystsARTICLES
When Math People and Feelings People NegotiateWhy I Wrote SplittingOUR WEBSITE: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:35) - Bringing It to Life: Kate Merrill(42:32) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: How to Help Those Who Struggle with Borderline Personality DisorderLearn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!
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Surviving Academia: Navigating High Conflict Personalities in Higher Education
In this episode of "It's All Your Fault," the fourth installment of the Bringing It to Life series, Megan Hunter and Bill Eddy tackle the unique challenges of dealing with high conflict individuals in academia. Drawing from a listener's question about a bullying boss in a university setting, Bill and Megan explore the dynamics of toxic work environments in higher education and provide strategies for navigating these treacherous waters.
The Ivory Tower's Dirty Secret: High Conflict Personalities in Academia
Bill and Megan discuss the prevalence of high conflict personalities in academia, noting that the tolerant and helping nature of the industry can attract and enable difficult individuals. They highlight the specific challenges of dealing with tenured professors who exhibit high conflict behaviors, as well as the emotional toll this takes on colleagues and the institution as a whole.
Navigating the Minefield: Strategies for Dealing with High Conflict Colleagues in Higher Education
Bill introduces the CARS method – Connect, Analyze options, Respond, and Set limits – as a framework for managing interactions with high conflict individuals in academic settings. He emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries, providing useful information without arguing, and imposing consequences when necessary, while acknowledging the limitations of individual action in the face of institutional tolerance.
The Delicate Dance of Leaving a Toxic Academic Environment
Bill and Megan address the challenges of leaving an academic position due to a high conflict colleague, particularly in the context of an exit interview. They discuss the potential risks of speaking openly about the reasons for departure, the judgment calls involved in deciding what to share, and the importance of securing another position before leaving.
Questions we answer in this episode:
Why do high conflict personalities seem to thrive in academia?How can I manage interactions with a high conflict colleague in a university setting?What are the unique challenges of dealing with tenured professors who exhibit high conflict behaviors?How can I navigate leaving an academic position due to a toxic work environment?Key Takeaways:
Academia's tolerant and helping nature can attract and enable high conflict personalitiesThe CARS method provides a framework for managing interactions with difficult colleagues in higher educationIndividual action may be limited in the face of institutional tolerance of high conflict behaviorsCarefully consider the risks and benefits of sharing reasons for leaving in an academic exit interviewSecure another position before leaving an academic job due to a high conflict colleagueThis episode offers valuable insights and practical strategies for anyone navigating the complex world of high conflict personalities in academia. By understanding the unique dynamics at play in higher education and employing the techniques discussed by Bill and Megan, listeners can better protect themselves and their careers while working in this challenging environment.
Links & Other Notes
COURSESNew Ways for Work® Coaches TrainingConflict Influencer™ BOOKSOur New World of Adult Bullies(publishes June 2024)BIFF at WorkIt’s All Your Fault at WorkNew Ways for Work® Coaching ManualARTICLESThe CARS Method® for Resolving High Conflict SituationsHow To Write A BIFF Response®4 Ways to Set Limits at WorkOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:37) - Bring It to Life: High Conflict in Academia(01:10) - The Question(03:20) - Signs of High Conflict Behavior(09:52) - CARS Method(16:07) - When You Leave(20:33) - What Not to Do(24:24) - What If We Snap?(28:32) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: A Special Guest!Learn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!
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Parental Alienation: What It Is and How to Handle It
In this episode of It's All Your Fault, Bill and Megan dive into the complex topic of parental alienation in divorce and separation cases. They answer a listener's question about an extreme case of alienation and provide insights on what alienation is, how it differs from estrangement, and most importantly, what can be done about it.
Understanding Alienation and Estrangement
Bill explains that alienation occurs when a child resists or refuses contact with a parent, not because of that parent's actions, but due to the other parent's influence. In contrast, estrangement happens when the child's resistance is caused by the rejected parent's own behavior, such as violence or emotional abuse. Bill emphasizes the importance of taking a scientific approach rather than a blame approach to understand what may be happening in each case.Treating Alienation and Estrangement
Bill discusses the different treatment approaches for alienation and estrangement. In estrangement cases, the focus is on helping the rejected parent learn new skills and rebuild the relationship with the child through step-by-step counseling. However, in alienation cases, the child needs to be removed from the alienating parent's influence and have intensive time with the rejected parent to re-establish their normal relationship.Bringing the Listener's Case to Life
Bill and Megan analyze the listener's question, which involves an extreme case of alienation where the father shot the mother's new husband in front of their son. They discuss the importance of investigating the case thoroughly and ensuring the mother is a safe and stable parent.Questions we answer in this episode:
What is parental alienation and how does it differ from estrangement?What are the different treatment approaches for alienation and estrangement?How can a child heal from the effects of parental alienation?What steps can be taken in extreme cases of alienation?Key Takeaways:
Alienation occurs when a child resists contact with a parent due to the other parent's influence, while estrangement is caused by the rejected parent's own behavior.Treatment for estrangement focuses on helping the rejected parent learn new skills, while treatment for alienation involves removing the child from the alienating parent's influence.In extreme cases of alienation, the child may need to spend intensive time with the rejected parent, possibly in a psychiatric hospital setting, to re-establish their relationship.The goal is to achieve a healthy balance in the child's life, with both parents supporting moderate thinking, behavior, and emotions.This episode provides valuable insights into the complex issue of parental alienation and offers practical advice for those dealing with this challenging situation. By understanding the differences between alienation and estrangement, and learning about effective treatment approaches, listeners can take steps to help children heal and maintain healthy relationships with both parents.
Links & Other Notes
BOOKSOur New World of Adult BulliesDon’t Alienate the KidsCLASS + COACHING FOR PARENTS IN ALIENATION CASESNew Ways for Families: CoParenting Without CourtCOURSES FOR FAMILY LAW PROFESSIONALSNew Ways for Families (Counseling Method or Coaching Method)Resistance, Refusal and the Child’s BrainErasing Family Documentary with Resist/Refuse Commentary from Bill EddyARTICLESIs Alienation a One-Parent Issue?Is Your Child Alienated?PARENT-CHILD CONTACT PROBLEMS BREAKDOWNOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:36) - Bringing It to Life: Alienation(02:09) - The Listener Question(03:36) - Alienation vs. Estrangement(14:47) - Stressful?(17:42) - Isolation(23:40) - Digging Into the Situation(29:06) - The Child(32:04) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Belittling and BullyingLearn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!
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Bill and Megan continue their “Bringing It to Life” series, discussing how to identify and manage high conflict personalities in the workplace. They provide insights and strategies for leaders to improve workplace culture.
Bill and Megan aim to help listeners learn skills to keep conflict small and maintain healthy work environments. In this episode, they focus on limiting the damage caused by toxic employees.
Recognizing High Conflict Behavior Patterns
Bill explains the typical behavior patterns of high conflict personalities. These include blaming others, black-and-white thinking, uncontrolled emotions, and taking extreme actions.Megan notes that toxic employees can split work groups and harm morale. Their behavior tends to be rigid and repetitive.They discuss methods to identify whether one or more employees are exhibiting these disruptive patterns.Managing High Conflict Employees
Bill and Megan explore options like coaching, setting limits, and imposing consequences. They note that firing toxic staff may be necessary.They stress the importance of intervening early before the situation escalates. Allowing bullying and chaos enables bad behavior.The hosts explain how removing one high conflict person can calm tensions and shift workplace culture.Questions we answer in this episode:
How do you spot high conflict behavior patterns?Should you keep or fire toxic employees?What happens after a high conflict employee leaves?Key Takeaways:
Look for patterns like blaming, black-and-white thinking, uncontrolled emotions.Don't wait years to address high conflict employees.Removing bullies can transform workplace culture.This practical episode provides valuable insights for improving morale and productivity by minimizing the damage caused by high conflict personalities. Bill and Megan offer useful strategies to create a thriving workplace.
Links & Other Notes
WEBINAR (FREE)Register here: Bullies in the Workplace — May 10, 2024BOOKSOur New World of Adult BulliesIt’s All Your Fault at Work! Managing Narcissists and Other High Conflict PeopleBIFF at Work: Your Guide to Difficult Workplace CommunicationNEW WAYS FOR WORK COACHES TRAININGCoaches TrainingARTICLESFire or Keep High Conflict EmployeesOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:36) - Bring It to Life #2: Impact of HCPs on the Workplace Culture(01:06) - The Scenario(06:54) - One or Both?(09:38) - Contagious(13:05) - Resistant to Change(15:23) - Productivity(18:40) - Aftermath(30:26) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: High Conflict DivorceLearn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!
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In this episode of It's All Your Fault, Bill and Megan continue their "Bringing It to Life" series with special guest Elaine Richardson, a solicitor and mediator from the UK. Continuing their conversation from the previous episode, they dive deep into the challenges of managing high conflict personalities in family law and mediation, offering practical strategies for professionals and individuals alike.
Identifying High Conflict Personalities
They discuss the importance of considering three possibilities when faced with accusations of high conflict behavior: the allegation may be true, it may be a projection, or both parties may be engaging in high conflict behavior. They emphasize the need for professionals to maintain an open mind and avoid blindly believing one party's claims.Navigating High Conflict Clients and Mediation
Elaine shares her experiences as a solicitor and mediator, highlighting the importance of setting clear boundaries with high conflict clients. She discusses strategies for managing difficult situations, such as challenging clients when necessary and recognizing the "personality in waiting" that may emerge during the process.Effective Communication Strategies
Bill talks again about the BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm) communication method as a tool for managing high conflict interactions. He explains how using BIFF can help de-escalate tensions and encourage mirror behavior from the other party. Elaine and Bill also discuss the importance of focusing on behavior rather than labels when addressing high conflict individuals.Questions we answer in this episode:
How can professionals identify high conflict personalities?What strategies can solicitors and mediators use to manage high conflict clients?How can individuals communicate effectively with high conflict people?What role does setting boundaries play in managing high conflict situations?Key Takeaways:
Maintain an open mind when faced with accusations of high conflict behaviorSet clear boundaries with high conflict clientsUse BIFF communication to de-escalate tensions and encourage positive mirror behaviorFocus on behavior rather than labels when addressing high conflict individualsBe prepared for the "personality in waiting" to emerge during the processThis episode of It's All Your Fault offers invaluable insights for professionals and individuals navigating the challenges of high conflict personalities in family law and mediation. Bill, Megan, and Elaine provide practical strategies and real-world examples that listeners can apply to their own situations, making this a must-listen episode for anyone seeking to manage high conflict interactions more effectively.
Links & Other Notes
BOOKSBIFF for LawyersOur New World of Adult BulliesTRAININGNew Ways for MediationHigh-Conflict Mediation Lecture and DemonstrationMediation in Domestic Violence CasesCOACHINGShared Parenting Scotland (coaching + class for anyone in the UK)Pre-mediation coaching(for anyone prior to mediating)Workplace coaching (for executives/leaders; employees; HR; anyone)ARTICLESThe CARS MethodHow to Write a BIFF Response®Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:33) - Part 2 with Elaine Richardson(01:46) - Approaching a Potential High Conflict Mediation Case(05:55) - Three Possibilities of the Case(10:22) - When Your Client Is High Conflict(19:45) - Handling High Conflict Between Lawyers(27:41) - New Law in UK(32:15) - Shared Parenting Scotland(34:58) - Wrap Up(36:18) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Workplace ConflictLearn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!
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Poll Results, Case Studies, and Strategies: Navigating High Conflict Mediation
In this episode of It's All Your Fault, Bill and Megan kick off a new periodic series called "Bring It to Life," where they dive into real-life case studies and provide practical strategies for navigating high conflict situations. They also share the results of recent polls on child custody and women in marriage. Joined by special guest Elaine Richardson, a family solicitor from the UK, Bill and Megan explore the challenges of mediating cases involving high conflict personalities.
Revealing Poll Results and Introducing "Bring It to Life"
Bill and Megan begin the episode by discussing the results of two recent polls conducted on their website. The first poll focuses on child custody, revealing insights into the perspectives of family law professionals and family members. The second poll explores the topic of women and marriage, shedding light on the experiences and opinions of their listeners.
Following the poll results, Bill and Megan introduce their new series, "Bring It to Life," where they will examine real-life case studies to provide listeners with practical advice and strategies for handling high conflict situations.
Navigating the Complexities of High Conflict Mediation
In the first installment of "Bring It to Life," Bill and Megan, along with Elaine Richardson, delve into a specific case study involving a high conflict personality in mediation. They discuss the challenges posed by individuals who engage in manipulative behavior, cause delays, and create difficulties for mediators and legal professionals. By examining this real-life scenario, they offer valuable insights and techniques for preventing further delays and effectively managing high conflict personalities in mediation.
The episode also explores the concept of hybrid mediation, with Elaine explaining how it differs from traditional family mediation in the UK. Bill and Megan highlight the benefits of having lawyers present during mediation sessions and emphasize the importance of maintaining confidentiality throughout the process.
Recognizing and Addressing Bullying Behavior
A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to discussing projection and bullying behavior in high conflict cases. Bill and Megan share their expertise on recognizing these behaviors and provide strategies for negotiating with individuals who exhibit them. They stress the importance of understanding the spectrum of bullying behaviors, ranging from reputation smearing to more extreme cases of violence and destruction.
Questions we answer in this episode:
What do the recent poll results reveal about child custody and women in marriage?How can mediators and legal professionals effectively handle high conflict personalities in mediation?What are the advantages of hybrid mediation compared to traditional family mediation?How can one recognize and address projection and bullying behavior in high conflict cases?What strategies can be employed when negotiating with individuals who exhibit bullying behavior?Key Takeaways:
The poll results provide valuable insights into perspectives on child custody and women in marriage.High conflict personalities can significantly impact the mediation process, causing delays and challenges.Hybrid mediation offers benefits by involving lawyers in the mediation process.Recognizing and understanding the spectrum of bullying behaviors is essential for effective negotiation.Mediators should educate parties on their options and consequences while maintaining confidentiality and managing expectations.This episode of It's All Your Fault offers a wealth of information and practical advice for anyone dealing with high conflict personalities in mediation or legal settings. By sharing poll results, introducing the "Bring It to Life" series, and discussing real-life case studies, Bill and Megan provide listeners with valuable insights and strategies to navigate these challenging situations effectively.
Links & Other Notes
Guest website—Elaine Richardson of Richardson Family LawBOOKSOur New World of Adult BulliesBullies Webinars (free): Bullies in Families- April 19Bullies in the Workplace- May 10Mediating High Conflict DisputesBIFF for LawyersBIFF for Co-Parent CommunicationTRAINING FOR PROFESSIONALSNew Ways for MediationCOACHING FOR ANYONE GOING INTO MEDIATIONPre-mediation coachingDivorce/Co-Parenting Class + Coaching: New Ways for FamiliesARTICLESProposals and BIFF: Two Simple Methods for Mediating with a High-Conflict Person10 Paradigm Shifts of High Conflict MediationOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:35) - Guest Elaine Richardson and Poll Results(01:18) - Meet Eialne(03:41) - Bring It to Life Series Introduction(04:14) - Poll #1 Results and Discussion(09:21) - Poll #2 Results, Feedback, and Discussion(13:40) - Bring It to Life(44:09) - Wrap Up(44:55) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: A ContinuationLearn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!
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Welcome to another insightful discussion with Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter as they welcome mediator Sonja Wood. Bill and Megan chat with Sonja about her fascinating journey from chemistry to mediation. Sonja discusses her experiences facing discrimination and a lack of conflict training in Europe that pushed her to study mediation. She shares navigating cultural differences working across countries and her transition to life in Texas. Bill and Megan are keen to learn how Sonja utilizes high conflict methods like BIFF in her work.
Sonja reflects on encountering closed doors trying to address issues at her former company and deciding to gain conflict resolution skills instead. She took German mediation training before attaining Texas certification and specializing in civil and business mediation. Sonja values continuing education, most recently in positive psychology. Bill and Megan admire Sonja actively supporting mediation across the Lone Star State in volunteer work and through her Texas Association of Mediators chairship.
Whether considering mediation or dealing with disputes yourself, tune in for valuable insight on constructive resolution from this esteemed guest. Sonja's perseverance achieving success across cultures proves issues are solvable when approached with understanding, like the high conflict methods advocated by the High Conflict Institute.
Links & Other Notes
Guest Website: Sonja Wood websiteBOOKSBIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media MeltdownsBIFF at Work: Your Guide to Difficult Workplace CommunicationMediating High Conflict DisputesARTICLESShould Workplace Conflicts use Mediation?Don’t Ask “Why?” Ask “What’s Your Proposal?”POLLSMarriage and WomenJoint Custody vs. Sole Child CustodyOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:40) - Mediation with Sonja Wood(02:34) - Sonja and Mediation(16:51) - Coming to the US(18:13) - Challenges Finding Training(20:04) - Types of Mediation(24:00) - High Conflict Mediation(25:35) - BIFF(30:20) - Tips for New Mediators(32:23) - Wrap Up(32:59) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Poll Results!Learn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!
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Navigating High Conflict Personalities in the Workplace
In this episode of "It's All Your Fault", Megan Hunter and Bill Eddy are joined by special guest Cherolyn Knapp to answer listener questions about dealing with high conflict personalities at work. As experts in the field of high conflict resolution, Bill and Megan provide valuable insights and strategies for managing challenging workplace interactions.
Identifying and Responding to High Conflict Behavior
The hosts and their guest discuss how high conflict individuals may present in the workplace, noting that they don't always yell or argue overtly. Passive-aggressive behavior, spreading rumors, and sabotaging others are common tactics used by high conflict personalities. Bill and Megan emphasize the importance of recognizing these behaviors and offer techniques for responding effectively, such as using "EAR" statements (empathy, attention, respect) to connect with the person and defuse the situation.Supporting Targets of High Conflict Behavior
Megan, Bill, and Cherolyn address a listener's question about feeling unsupported when targeted by a high conflict individual at work. They acknowledge the pain and difficulty of such situations and provide guidance on how to cope. The hosts suggest looking at personal choices and options, seeking support from others, and considering whether the current work environment is ultimately sustainable for one's well-being.Questions we answer in this episode:
How can I protect my team from a high conflict individual in another department?What does high conflict behavior look like when it's not overt yelling or arguing?How can I get support when I'm being targeted by a high conflict person at work?What role do enablers play in perpetuating high conflict behavior?Key Takeaways:
High conflict behavior isn't always loud and aggressive; it can be passive-aggressive, such as spreading rumors or sabotaging others.Using "EAR" statements (empathy, attention, respect) can help defuse high conflict situations and connect with the person.When targeted by a high conflict individual, it's important to assess your choices and options, and seek support.Enablers, whether supervisors, coworkers, or something else, can perpetuate high conflict behavior by siding with the high conflict person.This episode offers valuable insights and practical strategies for navigating the challenges of high conflict personalities in the workplace. Whether you're a manager looking to protect your team or an individual feeling targeted by a high conflict coworker, Bill, Megan, and Cherolyn’s expertise can help you identify problematic behaviors, respond effectively, and prioritize your well-being.
Links & Other Notes
BOOKSOur New World of Adult BulliesBIFF at Work: Your Guide to Difficult Workplace CommunicationsIt’s All Your Fault at Work! Managing Narcissists and Other High-Conflict PeopleTRAININGRegister for New Ways for Work Training (for coaches, HR, EAP, and others who help people resolve conflict in the workplace)April 8 and 10 (12pm - 4pm Pacific)October 21 and 23 (2pm - 6pm Pacific)COACHING & CONSULTATIONNew Ways for Work Coaching (for employees or anyone in the workplace)Consulting (for management or for anyone wanting in-depth consultation on your unique case)Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(01:34) - Welcome Back Cherolyn(03:05) - Listener Question #1: Dealing With a Workplace Bully(09:38) - EAR Statements and Connecting(11:57) - What to Say(13:57) - How High Conflict ‘Presents’(17:04) - Passive Aggressive(19:36) - How to Deal With Them(23:42) - Dealing With Abuse Enablers(29:55) - New Ways for Work(36:49) - New Ways for Work Leaders(40:41) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Another Guest!Learn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!
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Is Sole Custody Ever Warranted Over Joint Custody?
In this episode, Bill and Megan dive into the controversial topic of sole custody versus joint custody in divorce and child custody matters. They aim to answer the question: Is sole custody ever warranted, or is the principle of equal time with both parents always the best policy?
Presumptions for Joint Custody vs. Sole Custody
Bill explains that throughout the United States and most industrialized countries, there's a belief that both parents should be significantly involved with the children, generally called joint physical custody. However, he emphasizes that 80% of divorcing and separating parents don't use the courts to make their parenting decisions, as they're able to do it on their own. Sole custody, on the other hand, is only considered when there's a problem, such as when a parent has a personality disorder or exhibits high conflict behavior.The Impact of Personality Disorders on Children
Bill discusses the impact of personality disorders on children, citing research that shows children exposed to a parent with a personality disorder without the benefit of another parent to soften that can experience emotional difficulties six times higher. In these cases, having sole custody with a more reasonable parent may be necessary for the child's mental health. However, Bill believes that children should still have some contact with both parents, even if it's limited.Navigating High Conflict Custody Cases
Megan and Bill explore how a parent being dragged into court or reported to child services can navigate these situations. They emphasize the need for courts to be more aware of the presence and dynamics of personality disorders and the lack of change in these individuals. Bill also cautions against putting the decision-making responsibility on the children, as it can be a terrible idea to put them in that position.Questions we answer in this episode:
Is sole custody ever warranted, or is joint custody always the best policy?How does a parent being dragged into court or reported to child services navigate these situations?Why is it a bad idea for courts to ask children about their preference for who they want to live with?How can parents and professionals be educated about having multiple perspectives in high conflict cases?What skills can parents and children learn to help with high conflict situations?Key Takeaways:
Sole custody should only be considered when there's a problem, such as a parent with a personality disorder or high conflict behavior.Children exposed to a parent with a personality disorder without another parent to soften that can experience significant emotional difficulties.Courts need to be more aware of the presence and dynamics of personality disorders and the lack of change in these individuals.Putting the decision-making responsibility on children in custody cases can be a terrible idea.Teaching parents and children skills such as flexible thinking, managed emotions, and moderate behavior can help with high conflict situations.This episode provides valuable insights into the complex world of high conflict custody cases and offers practical advice for parents and professionals navigating these situations. By exploring the nuances of sole custody versus joint custody and discussing the impact of personality disorders on children, Bill and Megan shed light on a topic that affects many families going through divorce or separation.
Links & Other Notes
POLLTake our anonymous poll here: Poll: Joint vs. Sole Custody PollARTICLESConfirmation Bias: Getting it Backwards in High Conflict DisputesCOURSESNew Ways for Families® Counselor TrainingNew Ways for Families® Coaches Training for the Online ClassNew Ways for Life™ Instructor TrainingNew Ways for Families Online Class + Coaching (for parents)NWFL for kidsBOOKSDon’t Alienate the Kids: Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High-Conflict DivorceThe High-Conflict Co-Parenting Survival Guide: Reclaim Your Life One Week at a TimeOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:35) - Child Custody(01:14) - Is Sole Custody Every Warranted?(10:05) - Talking to Court(11:37) - Push for Joint Custody?(13:21) - Multiple Perspectives(15:26) - Kid Preference?(19:44) - Skills for Parents(25:15) - Skills for Children(26:39) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Results of Last Week's PollLearn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!
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Are Women Happier Married or Divorced?
In this thought-provoking episode of It's All Your Fault, Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter dive into the complex topic of women's happiness in marriage. They explore recent research and articles that suggest women should get divorced to find happiness, and then offer their own insights and experiences to provide a balanced perspective.
Examining the Claims
Bill and Megan start by discussing a book that claims 70% of divorces are initiated by women who are tired, fed up, and unhappy in their marriages. However, they point out that there are many reasons women may file for divorce first, and it doesn't necessarily mean they are more unhappy than men. They also note that while women historically have done more housework and childcare, many men today are stepping up as equal partners and caregivers.Finding Balance and Happiness
The hosts emphasize that happiness is possible both within marriage and while being single. They stress the importance of being a whole person, making good choices in partners, and developing strong relationship skills. Bill shares statistics showing that the vast majority of married women, especially those with children, report being happy in their marriages. However, they acknowledge that being a single parent is often the most challenging situation.Questions we answer in this episode:
Are women happier being married or divorced?What factors contribute to women's happiness in relationships?How are gender roles and expectations changing in modern marriages?What relationship skills are essential for a happy marriage?Key Takeaways:
Both men and women can be happy married or singleRelationship skills are crucial for success in marriage and other areas of lifeMarried women, especially those with children, report high levels of happinessSingle parenting is often the most challenging situationIt's important to be a whole person and make good choices in partnersThis episode offers a nuanced look at the complex question of women's happiness in marriage. By examining recent claims, sharing personal experiences, and diving into statistics, Bill and Megan provide valuable insights and perspective. Listeners will come away with a better understanding of the factors that contribute to happiness in relationships and the importance of developing strong relationship skills.
Links & Other Notes
POLLTake our anonymous poll here: Marriage and Women Poll BOOKSDating Radar: Why Your Brain Says Yes to "The One" Who Will Make Your Life HellGenerations: The Real Differences Between Gen Z, Millennials, Gen X, Boomers, and Silents―and What They Mean for America's FutureARTICLESWomen are Divorcing and Finally Finding HappinessWho is Happiest? Married Mothers and Fathers, Per the Latest General Social SurveyTo Be Happy, Marriage Matters More Than Career (NY Times article)Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:35) - Women’s Thoughts About Marriage(01:18) - Women Should Get Divorced to Find Happiness?(10:56) - Finding the Balance(15:03) - Statistics(19:03) - Relationship Skills(24:26) - Last Thoughts(26:03) - Poll(27:04) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Child CustodyLearn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!
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Navigating Factitious Disorder and Child Custody Disputes
In this informative episode, Bill and Megan explore the complicated intersection of factitious disorder, child custody disputes, and high conflict personalities.Bill and Megan start by explaining what factitious disorder is, how it manifests, and its implications in child custody cases. They share insights from their experience in family law and high conflict disputes.
Key topics covered include:
The shift in terminology from Munchausen syndrome to factitious disorder and what this change signifiesPrevalence data showing these disorders are rare but have severe impacts when presentHow factitious disorders often involve misperceptions and disagreements about a child's health/medical needsThe role of personality disorders and their distorted perceptions in driving conflictStrategies for navigating these disputes like seeking multiple professional opinions and getting courts involveHow to appropriately communicate concerns to healthcare providers without biasing their perspectiveThe risks of improperly questioning or influencing children directlyQuestions we answer in this episode:
What is factitious disorder and how is it relevant in child custody cases?What tips can help address concerns about a child's health in a constructive manner?How do personality disorders relate to conflict around children's health?When is it appropriate to involve the legal system in disputes about a child's care?What are the risks of discussing health concerns directly with your child?Key Takeaways:
Factitious disorders are rare but can severely impact child custody cases when presentSeeking multiple professional opinions can help determine if concerns are validPersonality disorders often involve distorted perceptions driving conflictLegal interventions may be needed to protect children from excessive medical testingNever interrogate or influence children directly about suspected disordersThis practical episode offers guidance for any parents or family members concerned about potential factitious disorders and child health conflicts. Bill and Megan share their expertise to help listeners thoughtfully and safely address these challenging situations.
Links & Other Notes
BOOKSDon’t Alienate the Kids: Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High-Conflict DivorceCOURSES/VIDEOSErasing Family Documentary with Resistance/Refusal Commentary from Bill EddyResistance, Refusal and the Child’s BrainPROFESSIONAL TRAININGNew Ways for FamiliesFor Counselors- training specifically for counselors to learn the New Ways for Families method to use in high-conflict cases, including those with resistance/refusalFor Coaches: training specifically for divorce and co-parenting coaches to learn the New Ways for Families method to use in high-conflict cases or in any caseOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:35) - Factitious Order by Proxy(01:18) - What Is It?(05:52) - How to Intervene?(10:33) - Patterns(11:52) - Histrionic(17:07) - Speaking with Medical Professionals(21:10) - Discuss with the Child?(24:08) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Marriage and Women's Thoughts About ItLearn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!
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Keeping the Peace: Managing High Conflict Issues at Work
On this episode of It's All Your Fault, Bill and Megan tackle how employers and managers can set healthy boundaries around discussing divisive societal issues at work. They provide guidance on creating a respectful, productive environment when employees have strong, differing opinions.Bill and Megan explain that while online conversations may feel more hostile lately, research shows it’s often due to a small group of aggressive, status-driven people. When divisive issues come up at work, reasonable people tend to disengage, allowing bullies to dominate the dialogue. This can deteriorate workplace culture and community.
To maintain a cohesive team, leaders must set clear guidelines about acceptable communication. Bill suggests focusing on keeping conflicts impersonal and issues-based, not attacking people’s character. Megan adds that while managers have limited power to enforce culture alone, they can coach employees one-on-one on respectful communication.
HR can recommend coaching to improve behaviors vs. immediately firing staff. Employees feeling bullied should speak up, understand their options, and get assertiveness training if needed. With the right boundaries and empathy, organizations can productively navigate sensitive topics.
Questions we answer in this episode:
How can managers discourage divisive talk when company policy is unclear?What coaching strategies can HR use for staff exhibiting bullying behaviors?What should employees do if they feel targeted by a workplace bully?Key Takeaways:
Research shows online hostility comes from a vocal minority of aggressive people.Leaders must set guidelines to keep conflict impersonal and issues-based.Coaching can help managers, HR, and staff communicate respectfully.Employees feeling bullied should speak up and understand their options.With the right boundaries, companies can stay productive despite disagreements.Setting clear expectations while extending empathy enables workplaces to keep the peace during polarizing times. Tune in to hear Bill and Megan’s insightful guidance on fostering understanding.
Links & Other Notes
BOOKSOur New World of Adult Bullies: How to Spot Them ― How to Stop ThemBIFF at Work: Your Guide to Difficult Workplace CommunicationIt’s All Your Fault at Work! Managing Narcissists and Other High-Conflict PeopleCOACHING & OTHER RESOURCESLive Lab™: 1:1 Coaching for Managing High-Conflict SituationsLive Lab Writing: learn to write BIFF Responses to hostile email or any written communicationLive Lab Verbal: learn to have conversations with high-conflict peopleLive Lab Boundaries: learn to set limits with high-conflict peopleCoaching for EmployeesTRAINING FOR WORKPLACE PROFESSIONALSNew Ways for Work® Coaches Training (for human resources, employee relations, and other coaches)Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:37) - External Issues Brought Into the Workplace(02:10) - Are People Becoming More High Conflict Online?(05:26) - Online Conflict Attractive to HCPs?(08:25) - Who's Doing More Bullying?(11:38) - Rules to Avoid Dominating the Conversation(14:36) - What Should an Organization Do?(21:53) - When Lacking Internal Support(23:03) - Setting Guidelines(24:29) - HR or Employment Relations(27:02) - When the Employee(31:19) - Wrap UpLearn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!
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Navigating the Storm of Teen Relationships
In this eye-opening episode of 'It's All Your Fault', hosts Megan Hunter and Bill Eddy from the High Conflict Institute dive into the turbulent world of teen dating and relationship violence. Aimed at understanding and influencing the complexities of young people's interactions, this installment sheds light on how personality disorders could affect adolescent relationships, the emergence of digital violence, and strategies for intervention and prevention.Understanding Teen Dating Violence
Bill and Megan explore the significance of personality development in adolescents and its potential impact on dating violence. Discussions revolve around impulse control and interpersonal functioning, with a focus on borderline and antisocial personality disorders. The conversation is directed at parents and teens to recognize early signs of high conflict behaviors and the importance of intervention during adolescence. The episode also highlights the effectiveness of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and offers resources for those seeking help.Questions we answer in this episode:
Do personality disorders matter in teen relationships?Can personality traits indicate a proclivity for relationship violence?How do peer attitudes influence teen dating violence?What role does gender inequality play in teen relationships?Why is self-regulation important to address in teens?Key Takeaways:
Early personality development impacts adolescent dating behaviors.Impulse control and interpersonal dysfunction are key areas in personality disorders.Peer attitudes can have a stronger influence on teens than parental behavior.Gender inequality beliefs are risk factors for teen dating violence.Early intervention can help teens with high conflict behaviors adjust more effectively.Why This Episode is a Must-Listen
Bill and Megan's discussion is not just insightful—it's critical for understanding the dynamics at play in teen dating violence. This episode provides an essential guide for parents, educators, and teens to recognize and react to high conflict situations. By tuning in, you'll gain the knowledge to identify early warning signs and learn about the resources available to help manage and prevent relationship violence among young people. Don't miss out on this crucial conversation.Links & Other Notes
WEBSITES ON TEEN DATING VIOLENCE AND DIALECTICAL BEHAVIOR THERAPYBloom365Free Dialectical Behavior Therapy coursesHopeforBPDBOOKSGenerations: The Real Differences Between Gen Z, Millennials, Gen X, Boomers, and Silents―and What They Mean for America's FutureThe Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of TraumaDating Radar: Why Your Brain Says Yes to "The One" Who Will Make Your Life HellARTICLESNew Research Finds A Connection Between Domestic Violence And These Two Personality Disorders
RESEARCHPersonality disorders as predictors of intimate partner violence: A meta-analysisDating ViolenceOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:34) - Relationship Violence Part 2: Teen Relationships(00:50) - Personality Disorders in Teens(03:47) - Hot Reactive Violence vs. Cold Calculating Violence(06:17) - Resources(07:16) - TDV: Teen Dating Violence(12:19) - More Resources(14:48) - Digital Violence(23:58) - How to Approach Your Teen(26:01) - Setting Up Expetations(27:03) - TDV in Gen-Z(34:24) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: High Conflict at WorkLearn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!
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Bill and Megan explore the complex issue of relationship violence, focusing on factors that may predict aggressive behaviors and how to identify potentially abusive relationships. In this first part of a two-part discussion, they examine relationship violence through the lens of adult intimate partner relationships. The second part will focus specifically on teen dating violence. Bill and Megan provide research-informed insights to help us understand the roots of relationship violence and identify unhealthy patterns early on.
Questions we answer in this episode:
What personality disorders or traits are associated with an increased risk for domestic violence?How can you spot early warning signs of a potentially abusive partner?What is coercive control and how does it relate to domestic violence?What happens in the brain when someone lacks impulse control?How can we avoid “jamming our own radar” in relationships?Key Takeaways:
Not everyone with a personality disorder will become abusive, but certain disorders like antisocial and borderline PD are risk factors.Pay attention to charm, immediate strong attachment, and “love bombing” as possible red flags when dating.Coercive control refers to non-physical ways an abuser maintains power, like isolation, verbal threats, financial control.Impulse control problems may stem from an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex or traumatic childhood experiences.Going through personal crises or having unrealistic relationship expectations can blind us to warning signs.In part one of this vital two-part discussion, Bill and Megan provide research-informed insights to help us understand the roots of relationship violence and identify unhealthy patterns early on. Tune in to gain knowledge that could help you or someone you care about build healthy, safe relationships.
Links & Other Notes
BOOKSDating Radar: Why Your Brain Says Yes to “The One” Who Will Make Your Life Hellavailable in paperback, audio, and e-book anywhere books are sold. Here are a few places you can get it.Get it on High Conflict Institute siteOn Amazon USOn Amazon AustraliaOn Amazon CanadaDATING RADAR SURVEY RESULTSRead results from entire survey here (scroll and click on “Read Dating Radar Survey Results”)HOTLINEUS Domestic Violence HotlineUS Hotline #: 800-799-7233ARTICLESDating Radar: Your X-Ray Vision In A New RelationshipPersonality Disorders and Intimate Partner ViolenceHIB PubMed article databaseDomestic Violence vs. High Conflict Families: Are one or two people driving the conflict?COURSESConversations About Domestic Violence in Family Law with 16 ExpertsMediation in Domestic Violence CasesLIVE LABLive Lab: 1:1 coaching sessions to learn to use BIFF Responses, EAR Statements, and to set limits
Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:35) - Relationship Violence Part 1: Adults(02:50) - Survey Results(08:19) - What Jams Our Radar?(14:00) - Impulse Control(19:48) - Factors in Violent Tendencies(29:07) - Domestic Violence in Family Law(34:01) - How Do You Know You’re in a Domestic Violence Relationship?(35:57) - Coercive Controlling Violence(40:01) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Relationship Violence Part 2: TeensLearn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!
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Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter tackle an important but tricky topic in this episode - how to set healthy boundaries with others when tensions run high. Whether it's a contentious divorce, difficult coworker, or suspected lies, Bill and Megan provide realistic examples and actionable advice to constructively handle high-conflict situations. Tune in to learn techniques to establish boundaries while remaining calm and keeping conflicts small. This episode delivers takeaways anyone can apply to enhance their most challenging relationships.
They provide tips across three common scenarios:
Co-parenting after divorce: Look to standards or common practices as a starting point. Focus on protecting the children and not discussing certain topics in front of them. You can only control your own behavior - walk away if tensions escalate.Workplace conflicts: Practice using the BIF (brief, informative, friendly, firm) method in emails or conversations. Don't engage in unnecessary battles - end conversations if needed.Suspected lies: Always consider three perspectives - it could be true, false, or somewhere in between. Don't react emotionally or you may become a target of blame. Reality test tactfully if needed.Bill and Megan stress practicing these techniques and finding simple but memorable phrases to use when setting boundaries. Their realistic examples and actionable advice provide takeaways anyone can apply to enhance their most challenging relationships.
Links & Other Notes
LIVE LAB: 1:1 coaching to learn skills (setting limits, BIFF Responses, CalmB4Think)ARTICLE: 12 Tips for Co-Parent Boundaries ARTICLE: Need to Set Limits With a High Conflict Person? Give ‘Em Your EARARTICLE: 4 Ways to Set Limits at WorkCOURSE: Conflict Influencer™ Certification Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:34) - Kicking Off Season Four(01:10) - Setting Limits in High Conflict Situations(02:00) - Co-Parenting(10:00) - The Work World(16:04) - Lying(26:38) - Wrapping Up(27:09) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Relationship ViolenceLearn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!
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Keeping the Peace This Holiday Season
Bill and Megan share tips for avoiding and defusing conflict at holiday gatherings. They offer insights from their work at the High Conflict Institute.In this timely episode, Bill and Megan explain how to prevent and de-escalate heated arguments that often arise when families reconnect after time apart. Listeners gain practical techniques to maintain a peaceful, enjoyable atmosphere.
Avoiding Hot-Button Topics
Bill notes that the high-emotion holidays can bring out uncontrolled behavior in some. He suggests posting a respectful gathering policy and having “minders” to gently redirect tense interactions.Megan explores preparation strategies like using self-talk and conversation redirection. Scheduling reminders helps you remember useful tools in the moment.
Defusing Tensions
Bill advocates saving sensitive discussions for one-on-one talks, where polarization decreases. Groups often split into factions and fuel discord.Megan shares a touching example of connection occurring when two mothers met and shared their grief privately. Individual stories build bridges.
Why It Matters
Bill and Megan provide simple but powerful ways to maintain self-control and model peaceful conflict resolution this season. Their advice offers pathways to joyful gatherings.Questions we answer:
How can hosts set ground rules for respectful interactions?What tools can help individuals avoid unproductive fights?When and how should difficult topics be addressed?Key Takeaways:
Posting expectations and having “minders” can prevent problems.Preparation and self-talk help you respond calmly in the moment.Save sensitive talks for one-on-one conversations later.Shared stories build connections between individuals.This timely episode provides useful techniques to prevent discord and promote goodwill this holiday season. Bill and Megan’s practical advice will help listeners consciously create an atmosphere of peace, joy and understanding.
Links & Other Notes
RESPECTFUL GATHERING POLICYDownload HCI’s Respectful Gathering Policy to hang up before your holiday gatheringsBOOKSCalming Upset People with EAR (communication technique)ARTICLESHandling High Conflict Situations During the HolidaysCalming Holiday ConflictsOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(01:33) - Holiday Conflict(02:18) - When Someone Says Something(05:57) - If You're Hosting(08:14) - Respectful Gathering Policy(09:04) - Be Prepared(11:41) - Giving Yourself Encouraging Statements(13:29) - If You Want to Discuss the Topics(15:46) - Reason-Able(16:56) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: A New Season!Learn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!
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Ending Hostile Conversations
Bill and Megan share strategies for defusing tense conversations and exiting hostile interactions. They provide insights from the High Conflict Institute.Bill and Megan explain how to stop aggressive confrontations through limit-setting and agenda control. Listeners gain techniques to redirect heated exchanges into constructive dialogue.
Defusing Tense Situations
Bill outlines a two-step process for tense one-on-one interactions: warn hostile speakers to change their tone, then withdraw if attacks persist.Megan explores why we avoid limits and how practice builds confidence in boundaries. Ending destructive talks can be an act of kindness.
Regaining Control
Megan recounts being publicly confronted while presenting. She learned arguing only empowers the disruptor.Bill emphasizes sticking to your agenda. Redirect speakers to appropriate questions.
In social settings, empathize first, then question unverified claims. Exercise restraint in spreading rumors.
Why It Matters
Bill and Megan provide tools to end toxic conversations, maintain self-control, and model peaceful conflict resolution. Their advice offers pathways to greater understanding.Questions answered:
Exiting hostile one-on-one interactionsResponding when confronted publiclyRedirecting charged conversationKey Takeaways:
Warn, then withdraw from attacksRefuse to engage hostile agendasQuestion unverified claims politelyYour firm boundaries can influence climateThis episode provides practical techniques to transform tense talks into meaningful dialogue. Tune in to gain empowering skills for calming hostility.
Links & Other Notes:
LIVE LAB™A practice space for 1:1 practice to set limits and communicate peacefullyCOURSESDe-escalation: Talk to the Right BrainBOOKSCalming Upset People with EAR (communication technique)It’s All Your Fault!5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your LifeARTICLES4 Ways to Set Limits at WorkNeed to Set Limits With a High Conflict Person? Give 'Em Your EAR®.5 Tips for Setting Boundaries in RelationshipsOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(01:36) - Ending a Hostile Conversation(02:10) - Two-Step Process(08:02) - Mind the Gap(10:39) - What They Experience(12:35) - Setting Limit(14:39) - In Group Setting(19:58) - In Social Setting(23:07) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: What to Avoid at Holiday GatheringsLearn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!
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Exploring Targets of Blame and How to Best Manage Them
Bill and Megan tackle the challenging topic of being a target of blame from a high conflict individual. They provide insight into protecting yourself and managing difficult accusations.In this eye-opening episode, Bill and Megan define what it means to be a target of blame and how this manifests. They discuss tactics for minimizing your risk of becoming a target, as well as managing situations where false accusations spread. The hosts share perspective on correcting misinformation while avoiding escalation.
Questions we answer in this episode:
How can you reduce the risk of becoming a target of blame?What is the best way to respond when falsely accused?When is it appropriate to correct the record with documents?How do you avoid reinforcing hostile behavior?Key Takeaways:
Becoming aware of high conflict personalities can help you recognize unhealthy blame.Don't get hooked into defending yourself - it often backfires.Provide brief, factual information to correct false claims.Tailor your response to who needs what information.Keep yourself calm while asserting the truth.This insightful episode equips listeners with strategies for protecting themselves when unfairly blamed. Bill and Megan deliver compassionate perspective that can help anyone managing a high conflict situation. Their guidance empowers us to respond thoughtfully when targeted.
Links & Other Notes
BOOKSHigh Conflict People in Legal DisputesIt’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for EverythingIt’s All Your Fault at Work: Managing Narcissists and Other High Conflict PeopleARTICLESSix Tips to Avoid Becoming Someone’s Target of BlamePersonality awareness: The key skill to dealing with high-conflict peopleOur website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(01:33) - A Target of Blame(02:19) - Term’s History(04:33) - Avoiding Becoming a Target(13:26) - How to Behave(16:27) - Extreme Example(18:53) - Paper Trail for Protection(21:00) - Red Flags(23:56) - Finding Balance(27:11) - Wrap Up(27:30) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: How to End a Hostile ConversationLearn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!
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Effective Communication for Legal Professionals
Bill, Megan, and their guest Rehana Jamal – and Bill’s co-author – dive into strategies for clear, civil communication in the legal field. They aim to provide practical tools that lawyers, court staff, and anyone interacting with the justice system can use right away.The episode focuses on BIFF, the High Conflict Institute's proven method for responding to emotionally-charged messages. Bill lays out the BIFF framework and walks through examples of transforming aggressive emails into responses that are Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm.
Rehana weighs in with insights from her experience as an attorney and mediator. She highlights how BIFF builds relationships and saves time compared to reactionary, hostile communication.
Together, they make the case that small changes in how we communicate can transform legal conflicts and prevent escalation. Mastering constructive communication habits benefits lawyers, clients, court staff, and entire communities.
Questions we answer in this episode:
What is the BIFF response method?When is it appropriate to apologize in a professional email?How can BIFF improve lawyer-client relationships?Does BIFF work for all areas of law?Can BIFF help manage stress for legal professionals?Key Takeaways:
Hostile emails from clients often stem from feeling discounted - a BIFF response shows you care.Pausing before reacting gives you time to construct an informative, friendly email.BIFF responses rarely need to be more than a concise paragraph.Avoiding apologies in heated exchanges prevents misuse of your words.Speaking by phone resolves issues faster than extended email chains.The legal field deals with conflict daily. This episode provides communication tools to handle clashes with skill and grace. Bill, Megan, and Rehana model a constructive approach that improves outcomes for all involved.
Links & Other Notes
THE BOOK (available in paperback and e-book)BIFF for Lawyers and Law Offices: Your Guide to Respectful Written Communication with Clients, Opposing Counsel and OthersPurchase the book at any of the links below (or wherever books are sold):our websiteAmazon USAmazon CanadaAmazon AustraliaAmazon UKAmazon Germany digital (e-book) versionCONSULTATION & COACHINGLive Lab (1:1 coaching to learn verbal and written communication skills in high conflict situations)Consultations (1:1 educational consultation to discuss high conflict situations and cases with our high conflict experts)COURSESBIFF Response® for Lawyers: Using and Teaching Respectful Communication ($47 USD)Coaching for a BIFF Response®Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/Submit a Question for Bill and MeganAll of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.You can also find these show notes at our site as well.Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.
(00:00) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault(00:34) - This Episode(01:32) - Meet Rehana Jamal(05:15) - Reminder What BIFF Is(07:49) - Why This Book(12:33) - Thinking About This From a Lawyer’s Perspective(17:33) - Rehana’s Experience(18:41) - Time and Risk Management(22:48) - BIFF… All the Time?(25:43) - Issue Affects Everyone(28:23) - Harder Than It Seems(31:08) - Example One(38:43) - BIFF Checker and More Book Info(41:27) - Example Two(45:54) - Example Three(51:31) - Last Thoughts(53:01) - Reminders & Coming Next Week: Being a Target of BlameLearn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!
- Visa fler
