Avsnitt
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Part 1 was about the clinical definitions and the "why" behind limerence - this episode is about what it actually feels like to live through it.
Limerence is a unique experience with some of the highest highs and lowest lows we can go through.
In this episode, we are diving into the lived reality of the limerent mind. We look at how we use art and music to seek solace or feed the obsession, how obstacles keep the fantasy alive, and what happens when we constantly try to "solve" another person at the expense of our own growth. We also dive into the spectrum between love and limerence, and how an anxious attachment style can make us uniquely vulnerable to outsourcing our self-concept to someone else.We explore all of this through stories from my own life, friends who generously shared their experiences, listener comments, and examples from culture to make these ideas feel more relatable and less abstract.
If you have ever changed your routine just to catch a glimpse of someone, or felt like you were waiting to live your life because you spent years in fantasy relationships - you are not alone, and you are not broken. Let’s talk about how we can start gathering real data, ground ourselves in reality, and finally start choosing the reciprocal love we actually deserve.
Here is part 1: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/19411931Here is the playlist for the whole self-worth series on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPJBR0a3Yz6vsH5TkuPFtd2b7YgbL11OG
00:00 What Limerence Actually Feels Like
01:43 Art, Music, and Vehicles for Leaning into Limerence
05:50 Limerence Needs Obstacles
06:55 Why Some People Become Limerent More Easily Than Others
07:25 Pulling the Veil Up on Chemistry
10:14 Love Versus Limerence: Is It a Spectrum?
11:02 Time: Is This Constructive or Destructive?
11:50 Unmet Needs and Constant Evaluating
14:05 Worrying to Try to "Solve the Other Person"
16:45 Changing Our Routine in Hopes of Seeing Them
17:48 Grasping, Manic Energy
21:04 Self-Esteem and the Love You Deserve: One Tip for the Anxiously Attached
24:53 Our Culture's Love/Hate Relationship with Limerence
27:13 Reality, Gathering Data, and Journaling
27:49 No Longer Outsourcing Our Self-Concept
29:09 Balance and Love: Is This Living or Waiting to Live?Leave a voice message here
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Have you ever found yourself completely consumed by thoughts of someone, to the point where it feels less like a crush and more like an overwhelming, permanent presence in your mind?
In this episode, we are doing a deep, nuanced dive into the concept of limerence - a state of profound romantic infatuation, obsessive thoughts, and an intense desire for emotional reciprocation. If you have ever felt trapped by these intense feelings, or wondered why your brain seems to latch onto a specific person with such intensity, this episode is a compassionate space to understand the psychology behind it.
We break down the core ingredients that allow limerence to take root and explore why the object of our affection is referred to psychologically as a "limerent object." We also examine the science behind attachment and love, contrasting limerence with Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love and look at the neurobiology and brain chemistry driving these loops. Finally, we discuss actionable, realistic steps to help you move through these feelings and find clarity on the other side.
00:00 Introducing Limerence: What It Is and Signs
03:15 An Example of Limerence in Pop Culture
07:20 The Two Main Ingredients for Limerence to Grow
10:05 A Test to Ask Yourself and Ways Limerence Can Play Out
11:30 Why Are They Called a Limerent Object?
14:08 How Limerence Feels: The Emotional Experience
14:55 How We Choose Who to Be Limerent For
16:28 Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love (Different Types of Love)
19:44 The Neurobiology of Love, Attachment, and Brain Chemistry
21:20 Why Do We Become Limerent? (Root Causes)
23:52 Steps to Move Through and to the Other Side of Limerent FeelingsResources:
2 Videos by Heidi Priebe on Limerence:
- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9l5ALCPEBkc
- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_jzKWiLdE0
Blog on Limerence mentioned
- https://livingwithlimerence.com/blog/
- Book by Dorothy Tennov Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love
- SLAA: https://slaafws.org/meetings/
- Sternberg's triangular theory of love - the second image has it more filled out if you scroll down a little: https://www.simplypsychology.org/types-of-love-we-experience.html
- You Reclaimed - I cannot find the video I saw by her but some of her other videos may be helpful too: https://www.youtube.com/@YouReclaimedProject/videosPart 1 of Self-worth Series can be found here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/19265696
Full Self-worth series playlist on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPJBR0a3Yz6vsH5TkuPFtd2b7YgbL11OG
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Saknas det avsnitt?
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Do you ever feel like your value as a person depends entirely on your last achievement, your productivity, or what someone else thinks of you? You’re not alone.
This is part 4 in our 10 part series on improving our relationship with ourselves. (See the whole self-worth series here:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPJBR0a3Yz6vsH5TkuPFtd2b7YgbL11OG )
And in this episode we’re diving deep into the concept of contingent (or conditional) self-worth - that exhausting cycle of making our worth dependent on external factors. We talk about where this comes from, whether it’s a lack of supportive "mirrors" growing up, or just a natural byproduct of living in a highly transactional society.
Also covered in this episode:
- Deconstruction of the word "worth" itself and ask a radical question: Is "worth" even the right metric we should be pursuing?
- Addressing the secret fear we all have - if I fully accept myself right now, will I lose my drive and become lazy?
- Why certain people inherently crave and need external validation more than others.
- Practical steps you can take to shift toward true, unconditional self-worth.
If you've ever felt like you're constantly running on a hamster wheel trying to prove you're "enough," this conversation is for you.
Timestamps:
00:00 Conditional or contingent self-worth (and why it doesn't work long-term)
03:00 Evolutionary reasons it is normal to crave some external validation
04:30 How this is similar to falling in love - now just with ourselves
06:13 Where does this tendency to outsource our self-worth come from? (Home lives & society)
09:38 Taking apart the word "worth" - is there a better term for this?
10:36 A practice to increase unconditional self-love
11:32 Branches of psychology and philosophy that support this mindset
13:39 Will I become lazy or immoral if I believe I am inherently worthy?
16:20 People who seem to have more or less of a need for validation
18:54 A laundry list of action steps
26:42 Why this is an ongoing journey, not a one-and-done fix
28:51 Diversifying our self-concept
30:16 Clarifying some definitionsPart 1 of Self-worth Series can be found here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/19265696
Full Self-worth series playlist on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPJBR0a3Yz6vsH5TkuPFtd2b7YgbL11OG
Resources mentioned:
Article mentioned that covers the following: "self-affirmation often involves recalling personal values, strengths, or relationships to restore moral integrity." https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11024277/
Do attractive people have easier lives? https://youtu.be/dY-Ct2O-ML4
On perfectionism: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/16439411
On grit: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/18565769Leave a voice message here
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The topic of self-worth cuts deeper than self-esteem. That is because self-worth is an internal sense that you are enough, and that you are fundamentally deserving of love and respect.
Where are we actually getting validation from?How does toxic shame quietly undermine our value?What do we truly care about versus what are the games we play to feel like we "stack up?”Tangible practices we can start using today to build our self-worth.
In Part 3 of our "Relationship to Self" series, we are diving deep into the foundations of self-worth.
In this episode, we look at:I hope this episode supports you on your journey of personal growth and strengthening your relationship with yourself.
Timestamps:
00:00 The Difference Between Self-Worth & Self-Esteem
01:20 External vs Internal Validation
08:50 Sources of Validation and the Masks we Wear
17:51 How Toxic Shame Secretly Destroys Your Confidence
24:34 Vulnerability and True AuthenticityPart 1 of Self-worth Series can be found here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/19265696
Full Self-worth series playlist on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPJBR0a3Yz6vsH5TkuPFtd2b7YgbL11OG
Resources mentioned:
Heidi Priebe’s video on healing from toxic shame: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y47iJrbO2ugBrene Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection:
https://brenebrown.com/book/the-gifts-of-imperfection/Jack’s website - there is a link for a free e-book for actors in the menu bar!
https://jackplotnick.com/Info on the Enneagram: https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-descriptions/Interesting thoughts on 12 step programs even if not religious: - https://americanaddictioncenters.org/blog/not-religiousLeave a voice message here
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While self-esteem may seem like an elusive, vague concept, there are practical, everyday actions we can take to build it. In this episode, we explore the actionable frameworks outlined in the classic book, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden. Together, we will dive into all six pillars: living consciously, self-acceptance, self-responsibility, self-assertiveness, living purposefully, and living with integrity. Beyond the theory, we’ll look at real-world examples and the exact tools needed to implement them, such as Branden's famous sentence completion exercises. I've also included several of my favorite quotes from the book. I hope this helps you deepen your relationship with yourself as part of our ongoing series! This is part 2 in the series. You can find part 1 here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/19265696
Part 1 of Self-worth Series can be found here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/19265696
Full Self-worth series playlist on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPJBR0a3Yz6vsH5TkuPFtd2b7YgbL11OG
Resources:
The book: https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/79352.Six_Pillars_of_Self_Esteem
On sentence completion work: https://nathanielbranden.com/sentence-completion-i/Leave a voice message here
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You likely know how you feel about your relationships with other people - but how do you feel about your relationship with yourself?
Whether we realize it or not, our relationship with ourselves influences nearly everything: our relationships, choices, ambitions, and even how we interpret everyday experiences.
In this new series, we'll explore that relationship from many angles, including self-esteem and self-worth, validation, comparison, limerence, trauma, self-concept, and more.
In this first episode, we explore why our relationship with ourselves matters so much - and why examining it isn't just navel-gazing or self-absorption. We discuss how self-esteem and self-worth issues can show up in subtle, often unconscious ways, introduce key concepts we'll build on throughout the series, and lay the foundation for the conversations ahead.
If you've ever wondered why certain patterns keep repeating in your life, why some feedback affects you more than it should, or why your sense of worth can feel surprisingly fragile despite your accomplishments, this series is for you.
This is Part 1 of an ongoing series exploring our relationship with ourselves and how it shapes the way we move through the world.00:00 How Is Your Relationship With Yourself?
00:53 Why Does This Matter?
03:49 How Common Is Low Self-Esteem?
05:51 What We'll Explore in This Series
09:10 Foundational Ideas for the Journey Ahead
10:27 Key Terms & Definitions
12:22 Beyond Self-Care: Feeling Worthy and Taking Loving Actions
15:37 Why We Sometimes Sabotage Ourselves
17:48 Does Self-Esteem Make Us Arrogant?
19:41 A Simple Definition of Self-EsteemArticle mentioned:
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9276660/Leave a voice message here
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There’s an often-overlooked personality trait that shapes how you process almost everything you encounter day-to-day. While traits like introversion and extraversion get all the spotlight, this core piece of our psychology is just as crucial to understand.
The Tangible vs. The Possible: How Sensors and Intuitives see the exact same world differently.Better Connections: How understanding this trait helps you communicate and connect with others.Valuing Both: Why we need both perspectives to navigate the world effectively.
Originally introduced by Carl Jung, the balance between Intuition and Sensing dictates whether you prefer to live in the tangible world of facts or the world of endless possibilities.
In this episode, we explore:Understanding how you process information is one of the best ways to navigate life more smoothly. I love this topic, and I hope it's helpful to you!
Timestamps:
00:00 Sensing vs. Intuition: The Core Difference
06:44 Population Statistics of Sensors and Intuitives
10:03 Personality Preference vs. Being Put in a Box
12:25 Diversifying Skills: Valuing Sensing and Intuition
18:06 Meeting in the Middle: Communication for Sensors and Intuitives
20:55 Main Takeaways for Each Personality Type
21:32 Zen and Transcendence Between Both
Resources:
Free Personality Assessment: https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test (NOTE: This isn't a "true" MBTI test, but it's a great one that blends a few different theories together. You can read about their theory here) https://www.16personalities.com/articles/our-theoryAlternative Test (If past tests haven't felt right) https://mistypeinvestigator.com Article on the "Ladder of Abstraction" https://tombarrett.medium.com/up-and-down-the-ladder-of-abstraction-cb73533be751Past Video: "Why doesn’t my Myers-Briggs type fit me?" https://youtu.be/wHoj2Q6qYy8Leave a voice message here
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If you’ve ever felt deeply grateful and incredibly sad at the exact same time, you know emotions don't always fit into neat boxes. We often view emotions as a simple spectrum, with happiness on one end and sadness on the other. But our feelings are far more nuanced than that. Instead of living on opposite sides of a continuum, our emotions operate more like individual "knobs" that turn up and down independently. In this episode, we explore how embracing this complexity can enrich our lives, help us move away from black-and-white thinking, and deepen our connections with others. We also talk through what to practically do when those feelings start to feel overwhelming.
Timestamps:
00:00 - Are you experiencing an emotion, a feeling, or a mood?
04:15 - The spectrum myth: Can you be happy and sad at the same time?
11:00 - What is DBT? (And why we need to let emotions come up)
17:07 - "What do I do with this?" How to actually process a heavy emotion
Resources mentioned in this episode:
- APA Definition of Emotion: https://www.apa.org/topics/emotions
- Stanford Research on Cultural Differences: https://news.stanford.edu/stories/2015/07/emotions-chinese-americans-070215
- Harvard Business Review (On Chasing Happiness): https://hbr.org/2015/08/happiness-isnt-the-absence-of-negative-feelings
- Dr. David Matsumoto’s Research Paper on Emotions: https://davidmatsumoto.com/content/NG%20Spain%20Article_2_.pdf
- Psychology Today (Emotions vs. Feelings): https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-pleasure-is-all-yours/202202/the-important-difference-between-emotions-and-feelings
This is a follow up to this episode on how culture shapes our perception of happiness: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/19001429Leave a voice message here
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We’ve all heard the basic advice: turn off notifications, put your phone in grayscale, or just "try harder." But if you’re like me, those tips didn't stick. After years of experimentation and diving into the psychology of habit formation, I’ve finally found a system that is working for me.
In this episode (Part 2 of our series on technology), we are moving past the philosophy and getting into more specific action steps. We’re talking about building friction, managing decision fatigue, and finding the "why" that actually keeps you away from the screen.
In this episode, we discuss:
The Power of Friction: Lockboxes, website blockers, and "dumb phones." Beating Decision Fatigue: Creating a "Guidelines List" so you don't have to make constant difficult choices.Drilling Down to Your "Why": Finding a compelling reason to change. Why adding fulfilling activities is better than just "stopping" (Shout-out to Cal Newport and his "Deep Life" work!).Analog Switches: Why using tools such as paper planners, watches, and physical notepads helps more than we may have initially thought.Timestamps:
00:00 Intro: The bold claim about ending screen time
01:10 Strategic Friction: Using lockboxes & blockers to break the habit
07:20 Ending Decision Fatigue: How to create your "Guidelines List"
15:39 The Deep Life: Why "just stopping" doesn't work (inspired by Cal Newport)
17:29 The Core Shift: Digging to your compelling "Why"
19:27 Analog Wins: The psychology of paper, pens, and watches
23:46 Join the Conversation: How to leave a voice note (SpeakPipe)
24:33 A Personal Note: Life update & why the schedule changedResources and Episodes Mentioned:
Changing Your Relationship With Technology (Part 1): https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/17789635Finding Purpose and Meaning: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/18932472How to Organize Your Mind: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/17960805Cal Newport’s The Deep Life Podcast: https://www.thedeeplife.com/Gretchen Rubin: Abstainers vs. Moderators: https://gretchenrubin.com/articles/abstainer-vs-moderator/Leave a voice message here
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Happiness is a universal human aim, but what we believe makes us happy, and how we define a life well-lived, varies. In Part 10 of our Positive Psychology deep dive, we explore how cultural norms, language, and social safety nets dictate our personal views on flourishing.
How cultural norms and language shape the way we express happiness.Why a national safety net changes how we behave day-to-day.The 6-D Model of culture - from uncertainty avoidance to individualism vs. collectivism Why some cultures prize "excitement" while others seek "peace."Dialecticism: The unique ability to experience conflicting emotions simultaneously.A Global Perspective: My friend Zad shares his story of a family spread across the globe and what flourishing means to them.Cultural Evolution: How societies are changing and the nuanced exceptions to the models we study.
In this episode, we explore:Timestamps:
00:00 How do different cultures express / show happiness: Interview part 1
07:00 Affect Valuation: Why we want to feel what we feel
09:10 Dialecticism: Finding room for "Both/And" emotions
10:55 The 6-D Model of National Culture
15:35 Does culture shifts over generations: Interview part 2:
18:36 Global roots and the meaning of flourishing: Interview part 3:
21:30 The PERMA+ Recap: Building your own wellbeing toolkitThank you to Zad for coming on! You can find more from him at his instagram: @zadbullfitness
Further reading available here:
- https://geerthofstede.com/culture-geert-hofstede-gert-jan-hofstede/6d-model-of-national-culture/
- https://behavioralpsychstudio.com/what-the-heck-is-a-dialectic/
- https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/16536652/ Jeanne Tsai's research on AVTLeave a voice message here
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Do you ever wish you knew what your purpose was? Does your life ever feel void of meaning? In this episode we explore the idea of meaning through the lens of positive psychology, logotherapy, and existentialist philosophy. We learn from Dr. Viktor Frankl and Jean-Paul Sartre as well as from the Oxford Handbook on Positive Psychology.
Also in this episode:
-- How to recenter when we get off track so that we come back to what matters to us.
-- The difference between purpose and significance (or meaning and mattering)
-- The 5 Whys or what I like to call The Russian Doll of Goals
-- We hear a voicemail from a friend on the idea of humans being natural meaning makers and how to make the process more conscious
-- A more Zen approach when we want to simply live with meaning rather than analyze it
Does living with purpose make us feel more fulfilled? And if so, how do we find it in a world that makes us feel like it is so far from our reach?
Let's dive in!Timestamps
00:00 Situational meaning vs meaning for our entire lives
01:32 Two approaches to meaning: Sartre and Frankl
05:23 Dereflection from logotherapy
07:07 What are the main areas people derive meaning from?
07:42 Do purpose and meaning make us happier?
10:09 What is meaning? How do we define it?
12:53 Do we find or create meaning?
17:37 The Five Why's
20:02 How to recenter on what matters to us
21:41 Hedonic vs. Eudaimonic happiness
26:19 A Zen approach
27:47 Connection to positive psychology
30:50 Voicemail from a friend: Making this more conscious
Resources & Further Reading:
- Man's Search for Meaning - Book by Viktor Frankl
- Interview with Frankl: Viktor Frankl: Self-Actualization is not the goal
- Sartre and Frankl comparison article/ https://philosophynow.org/issues/162/Frankl_and_Sartre_in_Search_of_Meaning
- Blog by Dr. Michael Levin https://thoughtforms.life/what-advice-do-i-give-to-my-students/ hat tip to Tim Ferriss for putting this in his 5 bullet Friday
- UPenn on Meaning - https://ppc.sas.upenn.edu/learn-more/perma-theory-well-being-and-perma-workshops
- Logotherapy: https://viktorfranklamerica.com/what-is-logotherapy/
Photography credit:
- Frankl photo: Source Deutsch: Prof. Dr. Franz Vesely Viktor-Frankl-Archiv - https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Viktor_Frankl2.jpg
- Sartre photo: Dutch National Archives, The Hague, Fotocollectie Algemeen Nederlands Persbureau (ANEFO), 1945-1989 bekijk toegang 2.24.01.04 Bestanddeelnummer 917-9600
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Jean_Paul_Sartre_1965.jpgLeave a voice message here
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How do we build relationships that actually flourish? In Part 8 of our Positive Psychology series, we’re looking at the science of staying connected through Minding and Active Construction. Whether it’s with friends, family, or partners, we’re moving beyond the honeymoon phase and looking at the intentional work of relating to one another.
Capitalization in Real Life: I’m joined by a close friend who is naturally incredible at "Active Constructive Responding." We talk about what it actually looks like to show up for someone when things are going right.The Gottman Basics: We touch on "Bids for Affection" and the Magic Ratio—simple but powerful tools for understanding the emotional bank account in any relationship.Self-Expansion & Novelty: A brief look at why doing new things together helps us grow individually and as a pair.The 3 Ingredients for Friendship: What actually makes a friendship stick? I'm sharing some simple takeaways from a positive psychology class that changed how I look at my own social circle.A Systems Perspective: We listen to a voicemail that helps us visualize how our relationships aren't just one-on-one, but part of a larger ecosystem.
A large part of this episode is dedicated to the concept of Minding—the ongoing process of knowing and being known by others. We explore how being intentional and curious about the people in our lives can transform the way we relate to one another.
Also in this episode:This series is all about finding practical ways to apply the science of well-being to our daily lives. I’m glad you’re here for the home stretch!
References & Further Reading
- The Oxford Handbook of Positive Psychology (2nd Ed.): Edited by Dr. Shane J. Lopez and Dr. C. R. Snyder.
- The "Minding" Model: Based on research by Dr. John H. Harvey and Dr. Julia Omarzu.
- Bids for Affection & Magic Ratios: Developed by Dr. John Gottman (and the clinical work of Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman)
- Gender Differences in Self-Disclosure: Based on the classic meta-analysis by Dr. Kathryn Dindia and Dr. Mike Allen (1992). While earlier research suggested women disclose more in general, newer studies (like Carbone & Loewenstein, 2023) suggest that while men and women share positive news at similar rates, women may be more likely to share negative news or vulnerabilities.
- Active Constructive Responding (Capitalization): Research by Dr. Shelly Gable and colleagues.
- Self-Expansion Theory: Dr. Arthur Aron and Dr. Elaine Aron.
- The 3 Ingredients for Friendship: Insights from a course taught by Dr. Ryan Duffy at the University of Florida.
- Systems Theory Segment: Special thanks to Lea for the voicemail! You can find more of her work at https://accountabilitycoachinglondon.co.uk/.
- Guest Interview: A huge thank you to Madeline for joining me to talk about being an active constructive responder!Leave a voice message here
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We are 7 episodes into this series and I have a confession: I expected to feel "happier" by now, but the reality of positive psychology is a lot more nuanced. While I’ve definitely picked up some great habits around Grit and finding Flow in my work, I was surprised to find that the best parts of my day weren't the big achievements—they were the simple things, like a cup of tea and a good book before bed. In this episode, we’re finally tackling the "P" in PERMA+ (Positive Feeling States).
Flourishing vs. Happy: Why positive psychology is actually about well-being as a whole, rather than just chasing a mood.The "Magic Pill": What actually gets us closest to a sustainable sense of happiness?The Success Paradox: We always hear that success leads to happiness, but does it actually work the other way around?The 10 Positive Emotions: A look at the ten most cited emotions in the field Achievement vs. Feeling: How things like Mastery and Grit connect back to our day-to-day emotional states.
In this conversation, we’re breaking down:We also dive into Dr. Barbara Fredrickson’s "Broaden and Build" theory. It’s a foundational concept that explains how these small, positive moments actually help us build the resources we need to handle the hard stuff.
We’ll also continue our ongoing debate: Hedonic happiness (pleasure) vs. Eudaemonic happiness (meaning).
If you’ve ever felt like you’re "doing the work" but still just want to enjoy the small stuff, this episode is for you.Timestamps:
Cited throughout this series - Oxford Handbook of Positive Psychology 2nd Edition - by C. R. Snyder Shane J. Lopez (Editor)Dr. Iris Mauss - on seeking happiness leading to less happiness Dr. Ryan Duffy - Positive psychology professor at UF - referenced in the part on gratitude (What I said after that is my own thoughts though and I cannot speak for his views on that) Dr. Barbara Fredrickson for Broaden and Build theory - https://royalsocietypublishing.org/rstb/article-abstract/359/1449/1367/20449/The-broaden-and-build-theory-of-positive-emotions?redirectedFrom=fulltext Ask Polly - on savoring paradox Character strengths mentioned in the episode: https://www.viacharacter.org
00:00 Positive psychology is not about being happy all of the time: it is about flourishing
03:50 Broaden-and-Build Theory
06:50 Perma+ as it relates to setting the stage for positive emotions
08:14 The most referenced positive emotions in positive psychology
10:41 Does success lead to happiness? Or does happiness lead to success?
12:04 The Perma+ model and how the aspects are interconnected
13:17 The Perma+ model and which to optimize for (9 is too much to keep in mind!)
15:35 Perma score vs happiness levels & an example
17:58 On not trying to force happiness – the savoring paradox
21:07 A more tangible tip – and the 2 routes to happiness
24:10 Hedonic and eudaimonic happiness debate continued: On simple pleasures
28:14 Closing reflections
Resources and researchers mentioned in this episodeLeave a voice message here
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Is the 10,000-hour rule a myth? We’ve all heard that it takes 10,000 hours to master a craft, but the truth is that not all hours are created equal. In this episode, we dive into the science of peak performance and the current "Gold Standard" of learning: Deliberate Practice.
Based on the research of Dr. K. Anders Ericsson, we break down why simply "putting in more time" isn't enough and how you can greatly enhance your learning curve to improve in your field.
In this episode, we discuss:
▶️ Purposeful vs. Deliberate Practice: Why your current routine might be plateauing and how to fix it.
▶️ The PERMA+ Model: How mastery and achievement fuel long-term happiness and positive psychology.
▶️ Case Studies in Excellence: From the undercover bravery of journalist Nellie Bly to the joy Indiana found in playing the Sugar Plum Fairy in the Nutcracker
▶️ Actionable Steps: How to apply the principles of deliberate practice to your daily life immediately.
Timestamps:
00:00 Deliberate Practice: The Basics
02:50 The 10,000-Hour Rule: Separating Fact from Myth
06:30 Why is Deliberate Practice So Difficult?
09:19 Tips to Apply Deliberate Practice in Daily Life
18:45 Mastery, Positive Psychology, and the PERMA+ Model
29:42 Podcast Updates
Up next:
- Our series on positive psychology: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPJBR0a3Yz6u9jXWk1uknsVSq-XVGMMXI
- Mastery prior episode on breaking through sticking points: https://youtu.be/sXwhvqoeWxk
- On perfectionism: YouTube version: https://youtu.be/vNB2x1ULLec or the podcast version here https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/16439411
- On grit and optimism: https://youtu.be/puZoiXL_NIQ or podcast version here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/18565769
Resources mentioned 📖
- Deliberate practice: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18778378/
- Case study with the dancer Indiana: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fa-I7iUErK0
- Article on Perma and savoring achievements: https://www.thepositivepsychologypeople.com/perma-a-is-for-accomplishmentachievement/
- The good life podcast interview with K. Anders Ericsson, PhD - https://www.goodlifeproject.com/podcast/anders-ericsson/Leave a voice message here
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What if you could disappear into your tasks and emerge happier, more productive, and less stressed? That "magical" feeling - one you have likely experienced from time to time - is called Flow. And it’s more than just a catchy term thrown around these days; it’s a scientifically backed state of peak performance.
The 3 criteria and 6 characteristics that define a true Flow State.Why engagement increases life satisfactionPractical strategies to trigger immersion in your daily routine.
In this video, we dive into the groundbreaking research of Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi and Jeanne Nakamura to uncover why "losing yourself" in a task is one of the 9 key tools for creating a meaningful life.
(This is part 5 of our series on positive psychology which goes into all 9 of these tools - and you can find more about these tools in the episodes directly before and after this one!)
In this video, you’ll learn:
Timestamp Chapters:
00:00 Intro & Example of Flow
04:20 The 3 Criteria & 6 Characteristics of Flow
10:56 The Historical Lens
13:27 What qualifies as Flow? (Common Questions)
16:52 The Happiness Connection: Why Flow feels so good
24:09 Actionable Steps: How to create more Flow today
Resources mentioned: 📖
- Textbook: https://academic.oup.com/edited-volume/28153
- Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by by Mihaly CsikszentmihalyiLeave a voice message here
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How do exercise, sleep, and nutrition actually impact our mood and mental health?
Can there be such a thing as "constructive" stress?Why does gut health matter so much for mood?Practical tips for managing your circadian rhythm.
You have likely felt the difference between weeks when you are caring for your body versus weeks when those habits fall away. Sometimes, we need to consciously recognize how much better we feel - physically and emotionally - before those healthy habits finally stick.
In Part 4 of our Positive Psychology series, we are covering the "Plus" in the PERMA+ model. We’re diving into the science of what happens inside the body and how physical health acts as a pillar for mental well-being.
In this episode, we cover:Chapters:
00:00 Intro: physical health affects mental health
01:12 Sleep and mental health
13:03 Hydration, energy levels, and mood
14:30 Nutritional psychiatry: How food affects mood
24:48 Alcohol and "hangxiety"
27:36 Exercise and stress levels
31:35 Closing thoughts on personal differences
🔗 Resources Mentioned:
• Caffeine video: https://youtu.be/3FKknOHI_-Q
• Arthur C. Brooks doing happiness FAQ on WIRED https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTmixSgeOI0
• Nutritional Psychiatry: https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/nutritional-psychiatry-your-brain-on-food-201511168626
• Research article on mood and sleep: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4318605/
• Hydration research: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3984246/
• https://lonestarneurology.net/others/how-sugar-spikes-and-crashes-influence-brain-chemistry/
• https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/in-depth/depression-and-exercise/art-20046495
My book Fit Intuition: https://www.amazon.com/Fit-Intuition-Listen-Never-Again/dp/1735920509#averageCustomerReviewsAnchorLeave a voice message here
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Ever feel like you have the talent, but you just can't seem to finish what you start?
How to identify your "Explanatory Style" (The story you tell yourself about failure).The difference between a Growth Mindset and a Fixed Mindset.Why "Hope" isn't just a feeling, but a cognitive skill you can trainSome takeaways from the book Grit
In this episode, we’re looking at why we "hit the wall" and quit when things get difficult. It’s a dive into the science of Grit, Resilience, and Hope - tools that many believe we are born with, but research proves we can actually build.
Using the foundational work of Martin Seligman, Carol Dweck, and Angela Duckworth, we explore the shift from "Learned Helplessness" to "Learned Optimism." This is Part 3 of our series on Happiness and Positive Psychology, focusing on the psychological mechanics of achieving your goals and staying the course.
What we cover in this deep dive:Resources: 📖
Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance: https://angeladuckworth.com/grit-book/Growth mindset article: https://stanfordmag.org/contents/why-mindset-mattersRainbows in the mind (Hope theory) https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2003-01827-001Good to Great article excerpt: https://www.jimcollins.com/concepts/Stockdale-Concept.html and Optimism and long term outcomes for POW after returning home: https://psycnet.apa.org/buy/2014-37465-001Leave a voice message here
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Why do we recover from heartbreaks, job losses, and injuries faster than we could ever imagine?
For example, if you were fired today or left at the altar, how long would you be miserable? You probably guess "months or years." But the science suggests this is not necessarily the case.
We often underestimate our ability to heal because we don't realize we have a Psychological Immune System. Just like your body fights infection with a physical immune system, your brain has a built-in mechanism to metabolize grief, reject despair, and return you to baseline happiness much faster than you predict.
But unlike your physical immune system, you have to know how to trigger it for it to work most effectively.In this episode, we are looking under the hood of the Psychological Immune System. We explore not just what it is, but how to actively strengthen it so you can fear failure and setbacks less.
We also cover:
The Components: The mix of conscious actions (soothing) and unconscious edits (memory) that heal us.The "Rose-Tinted" Effect: How our memory edits the past to protect our future.Irreversibility: Why burning your boats might actually make you happier than keeping your options open. Synthetic Happiness vs. Natural Happiness: Is one really better than the other? Cognitive reframes: including CBT and The Work of Byron Katie And the many psychological factors as play such as locus of control and impact biasPrior episodes mentioned:
On Reversible and Irreversible Decisions and Commitment: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/18391487
Part 1 in Happiness Series: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/18486848
Resources 📖
- Stumbling on Happiness by Dan Gilbert (the book referenced) and here is his TED talk https://www.ted.com/talks/dan_gilbert_the_surprising_science_of_happiness
-The Work by Byron Katie https://thework.com/2017/10/four-liberating-questions/
-Article mentioned: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dating-and-mating/202004/don-t-underestimate-your-psychological-immune-system
-https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2005-09663-004
-https://thebtrc.com/understanding-the-psychological-immune-system-and-its-role-in-trauma-recovery/
-On moving from negative to neutral and how we can implement the immune system to take more risks: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/aug/14/the-psychological-immune-system-four-ways-to-bolster-yours-and-have-a-happier-calmer-life
- On Defense Mechanisms: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/defense-mechanismsLeave a voice message here
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We spend our whole lives chasing happiness, but we rarely stop to ask: Are we chasing the right things? Or more importantly - do we even have control over how happy we are?
The 50% Rule: Is happiness genetic, or is it a choice?The Prediction Trap: Why we are bad at guessing what will make us happy (Affective Forecasting).Hedonic vs. Eudaimonic: The difference between "feeling good" and "deeper meaning"The PERMA+ Model: The scientific "ingredients" list for a good life.Surrogation: A strategy for making better major life decisions.The Toolkit: How to use Positive Psychology to move the needle on your satisfaction (as the first part of an upcoming series)
Research suggests that while a portion of our happiness is genetic, a significant amount is firmly within our control - if we know which levers to pull.
In this episode, we dive into the science of building a happier life. We look at why our brains are notoriously bad at predicting the future (affective forecasting) and how to stop stumbling into happiness and start designing it.
In this episode, we cover:Reference: The "Happiness Pie Chart" discussed in this episode is based on the work of Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ken Sheldon, and David Schkade
Other resources mentioned: 📕
Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert Character strengths: https://www.viacharacter.org/Affective forecasting by Timothy Wilson and Daniel GilbertDoes more money make us happier? NOTE upon looking at this closer, I saw they went into some additional nuances not covered in the video - worth a read if you are curious https://penntoday.upenn.edu/news/does-more-money-correlate-greater-happiness-Penn-Princeton-researchOn the long-running happiness study: https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/04/over-nearly-80-years-harvard-study-has-been-showing-how-to-live-a-healthy-and-happy-life/Some more on Perma: https://ppc.sas.upenn.edu/learn-more/perma-theory-well-being-and-perma-workshopsSome more basics on positive psychology: as referenced from Peterson 2008 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-good-life/200805/what-is-positive-psychology-and-what-is-it-not and https://positivepsychology.com/what-is-positive-psychology-definition/My positive psychology professor from university: https://www.drryanduffy.com/Timestamps:
00:00 Intro: Stumbling on happiness
02:28 How is happiness actually defined?
04:17 How controllable is happiness?
07:24 Affective Forecasting: Your mind lies to you
09:16 PERMA+: The ingredients of the good life
15:35 "Surrogation": A tool for better decision making
18:21 The field of Positive Psychology & FootnotesLeave a voice message here
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In this video, we explore why millennials are not having kids, looking at the declining birth rate through the lens of history, economics, and sociology.
We go beyond the usual headlines about money to discuss intensive parenting, modern developments, demographic transitions, environmental concerns, and the real cost of raising a family in the modern world.
Throughout this journey, we ask the central question: Are millennials overcomplicating this decision, or is the world actually more complicated now?
In this deep dive, we cover:
* The "Opt-In" Generation: How women's rights and optionality flipped the script from "when" to "if."
* The Burnout Factor: How "Intensive Parenting" and modern complexity have replaced physical labor with mental exhaustion.
* The Hard Questions: Such as navigating the biological clock and the "selfish" stigmaLink to part 2 here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2318937/episodes/18450034
The Economic Reality: Why the "village" disappeared and the true cost of raising a child in 2025.
00:00 Intro
00:52 Are We Overcomplicating It?
02:11 Women's Rights & The Shift
03:14 The First Generation to "Opt In"
03:42 Climate Change & Uncertainty
04:23 Maternal Healthcare
04:52 Opportunity Cost & Optionality
05:51 Intensive Parenting & Time Demands
07:23 Where is the Village? (Isolation)
07:46 Modern Complexity & Mental Overwhelm
09:44 Longevity & Irreversibility
11:07 Weighing the Pros & Cons of Parenthood (My Experience)
13:07 Finding Community & Steps After the Choice
15:30 Is it Selfish to Not Have Kids?
18:27 The Question of Family Size
19:15 Birthrates: A Historical View
21:13 The Impact on Men
22:07 The Economics of Parenthood
26:37 The Biological Clock & Feeling "Ready
Resources or further reading:
Time parenting: https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2018/11/29/more-than-one-in-ten-u-s-parents-are-also-caring-for-an-adult/
Birth rates in the 1900s: https://ourworldindata.org/baby-boom-seven-charts
Demographic transition:
https://ourworldindata.org/demographic-transition
On fertility after 35: https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20240313-the-fertility-myth-most-advice-says-womens-fertility-declines-after-35-the-truth-is-more-complicated
Birthrates rising for ages 40-44: https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/products/databriefs/db535.htm
Many women still do not have control over this choice: https://news.un.org/en/story/2025/11/1166257
On the cost of childcare: https://www.epi.org/press/updated-resource-calculates-the-cost-of-child-care-in-every-state-child-care-is-more-expensive-than-public-college-tuition-in-38-states-and-washington-d-c/Leave a voice message here
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- Visa fler
