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Welcome to the “Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage” pre-marital mentoring page. We want this page to provide everything you need to provide every engaged couple in your church with a mentor couple who can walk them through a comprehensive pre-marital program. We also want to see the experienced marriages in your church enriched as they invest in engaged couples who are just beginning their marital journey.
All the components necessary to launch this ministry at your church are available at: www.bradhambrick.com/gcm
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The following message was given at The Summit Church on February 9-10, 2013. It examines the implications of Jesus’ call to discipleship in Luke 9:23-24 for marital conflict and romance.
This sermon represents the core concepts that are developed further in the “Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage” seminar series that is comprised of:
FoundationsCommunicationFinancesDecision-MakingIntimacyThe content of this sermon became the foundation for my booklet Romantic Conflict: Embracing Desires the Bless Not Bruise.
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If you do a good job applying chapter four and have a basic understanding of the fundamentals of intercourse, then you may be wondering, “Is there really anything else we need to know? Let us go and do our thing already.” Which brings up an important point, you can be so intentional that sex becomes mechanical and loses its passion.
There is still more to learn – things that can enhance your sexual experience and common obstacles to avoid – but do not fall into the pattern of thinking that you need a “Masters in Sexology” in order to enjoy a satisfying sex life.
Sex is not unlike tennis. You can enjoy the game whether or not you know all the fundamentals and strategies. Many people who have never had a tennis lesson enjoy the game more than the “professionals.” You can lose your love of the game in the effort to master the game.
But there are some basic principles and advanced strategies that those who excel at tennis share in common. Most of those who love the game of tennis over a long period of time either pick up on these or seek ways to learn them. Likewise, this material is intended to reinforce those things that you naturally do well and refine those areas where you are not getting the optimal, mutual enjoyment from your romantic efforts.
In this chapter, we will pick up where we left off last chapter. In the last chapter we did not get any more physically intimate than a passionate kiss and caressing your spouse’s cheek. Hopefully you now have a much greater appreciation for how much affection can be communicated and passion generated from romance available while your clothes are still on.
Now we will transition to the point where you communicate to each other that you would like this romance to “lead to something else.” For many couples this can be an awkward juncture. Initiating sex can be a point ripe for confusion (“I didn’t know that’s what you were asking”), crudeness (“I don’t like it when you talk about sex that way”), or rejection (“I know you’re [legitimate reason], but it hurts when you decline my initiation”). So we will discuss the challenges and opportunities around initiating sex.
Then we will look at how to understand, protect, and build upon the phases of arousal in intercourse. Arousal should build momentum. When you build upon it, the experience escalates into something increasingly wonderful. But when you break the momentum it can be hard to regain it. The better we understand the physical and emotional processes that contribute to arousal’s momentum the more consistently (never perfectly) we will use it in our favor.
Finally, we will refocus ourselves on the real meaning of sex. The goal of marital sex is not to have the intensity and synchronization of your orgasms perpetually increase. Aging bodies won’t allow that. Pinnacle experiences never sustain a life-long relationship. Even in marriages with the most vibrant sex lives, sex comprises only 60 minutes of their week at most (three occurrences lasting 20 minutes each). It’s the other 167 hours that will define the relationship. Sex, at its best, only celebrates the other 167 hours. We will consider how to remind ourselves of this truth and of those facets of our relationship with God which sex was given to teach us.
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How do you feel as we get ready to talk about sex? Nervous, excited, guilty, awkward, self-conscious, aroused, or tired of me asking question and ready to get the conversation started? Surprising to many people, the first step towards a great sex life is the ability to talk about sex. Sex is a “team sport” and communication is essential to anything involving the synchronization of two people’s bodily movements (not to mention schedules and emotions).
For many couples the most beneficial thing they will gain from this chapter and the next will be a conversation guide. Hopefully, the content will be informative and stimulating, but what they really need most-first is a series of positively-framed prompts to have some awkward but exciting conversations they may only try to have when one of them thinks “the moment is right” and the other is not so sure.
But even when there is agreement on the frequency and initiation of sex, communication is paramount to a healthy and thriving sex life. Talking about sex should not just be educational (i.e., learning what your spouse does and does not enjoy), but also arousing (i.e., part of the foreplay and building of a healthy sexual tension between husband and wife which adds to the climax of intercourse).
“Many couples find it uncomfortable to initiate sexual conversations and openly discuss individual needs and desires (p. 16)… Great sex is based on mature lovers who can be honest with themselves and with their mates. They are self-aware and assertively communicate (p. 17).” Doug Rosenau in A Celebration of SexSee acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.
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What is the love story mold into which you want your marriage to grow? Cinderella, Pretty Woman, Snow White, Titanic, Gone with the Wind, It’s a Wonderful Life, Sleepless in Seattle, Grease, Jerry Maguire, Dirty Dancing, etc…? Whether the plot line comes from Hollywood cinema or not, we all have an ideal “narrative” we want our marriage to follow.
As one friend of my wife pointed out, “All chic-flicks are about the same thing. The guy does everything the girl wants to win the girl’s love and attention. She gets to be a god.” The same could be said of the pornographic films to which many men are becoming addicted, “The girl does everything the guy wants to win his love and attention. He gets to be a god.”
This is the really dangerous parts about our ideal love stories (even more than sexual lust); we are a god in the story–the story centers on us. Everyone else, including God, is a supporting actor in our story. This tendency doesn’t go away when we get married. In fact, for many people, it only gets worse as we try to make our “forever relationship” into the “happily ever after” we’ve been creating with each book we read and move we watch. This was the human tendency before modern media, but the multi-billion dollar, idealized story-telling industry greatly exacerbates the tendency.
In this chapter we want to combat these tendencies in two ways:
Examine how and where a non-gospel narrative takes root and gains power in your marriage.Discover simple, powerful practices to keep the gospel as the grand narrative of your marital love.In order to help you appreciate how we’ll approach these two things, consider the following question, “How does a news story catch traction and gain definition in our modern media?” The answer is “sound bites” – a clip is played over and over, and opposite sides compete so their phrase is used to describe the event.
This is more than political theatre or the product of cramming world news into a 30 minute program. It is a basic human tendency played out on a large scale. We give things meaning and reinforce that meaning through frequently repeated small messages or images. This is as true of individuals as it is of cultures.
Where does it happen for individuals? In our self-talk, the things we replay in our minds. As Paul Tripp is fond of saying, “No one is more influential in your world than you are, because no one talks to you more than you do.” We spin (for better or worse) the events of our lives and quality of our marriage in our own mind constantly. The bias of our “coverage” will either be gospel-gospel-gospel or self-self-self.
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Which system is the right system? What gauge is the right gauge? What metaphor best captures what we’re supposed to be paying attention to? If you have read many books on marriage you know how confusing these questions can be: love languages, pink hearing aids, blue sun glasses, love tanks, love banks, waffles, spaghetti, Mars, Venus, his needs, her needs, love, respect, love dare, seven key questions, seven minute solutions, new marriages by Friday, fourteen secrets, etc… (that’s from a two minute search on “marriage” on a Christian bookstore website).
Is all this language different ways of saying the same thing or do we need to know this many different systems?
You hear one couple talk about how a book / speaker completely revitalized their marriage and another couple tells you the same book / speaker didn’t do anything for them, is totally unrealistic, or created tension in their marriage.
How do we know what is “worth our time” (which is limited and we’d prefer not to waste)?
If you let these kind of questions stress you out, then you likely either to do nothing or fail to enjoy whatever you do in pursuit of marital romance. In this chapter, we want to do a few things to help you navigate these challenges.
Describe why understanding differences is importantOutline the kind of differences a couple needs to be aware of (main focus)Caution against common misuses of our differencesSee acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.
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What are we going to talk about in this seminar? Sex… romance… affection… affirming words… weekly date nights… talking about our feelings… vulnerability… What is “intimacy”?
Chances are you won’t create something you can’t define and many couples have a hard time agreeing about what counts as intimacy. “Agreeing to disagree” is definitely not the solution to this dilemma.
For this seminar “intimacy” will be used to capture the full breadth of romantic activities shared by husband and wife; from encouragement, flirting, serving, and handholding to romantic get aways, long love letters, and gourmet sex. This seminar is about maintaining a deep sense of enjoyment for each other.
It is easy to allow the awkwardness of this subject – talking about emotions, affection, and sex – to prevent a couple from enjoying some of marriage’s sweetest fruit. It takes a mature man and woman to flirt tastefully over a lifetime, put their dreams and desires into words consistently, and talk wholesomely about what is sexually enjoyable.
Most of these are conversations you should not be having with anyone else, so it makes sense there would be some awkwardness. Don’t allow the potential clumsiness of speech or action to prevent you from pursuing and enjoying the spouse God has blessed you with.
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We’re now in a position to discuss headship-submission. From chapter two, we know what we’re after (God’s will). From chapter three, we’ve assessed how to make wise, mature personal decisions which lay a foundation for joint decision making. From chapter four, we’ve examined consensus as the preferred first-choice for how to make marital decisions. But those approaches will not cover everything.
The big question now should be, “What’s left? If we do a good job with what we’ve already learned, shouldn’t that take care of decision making?” Not every couple is asking that question, but for couples where there is general unity “what’s left” should be the tone of thought at this point. Otherwise you’re expecting authority to accomplish what only maturity can do.
But even with a mature couple there will still be an answer to the question, “What’s left?” Here is a list of the kind of things that are left.
After deliberation a husband and wife still disagree about what should be done. Time constraints do not allow for a more collaborative decision making process. When a member of the family needs to be protected from their own choices. When an uncomfortable example needs to be set for the family to follow. When an important question needs to be raised that is currently being avoided.For many couples this articulation of when headship-submission is relevant challenges pre-conceived ideas about what biblical gender roles ought to look like. It is much less about who is “in charge” and more about what are the unique ways a husband and wife love/serve one another in the midst of a difficult decision.
“When the solution to a problem seems to boil down to the question of who is ‘in charge,’ it means that more important questions aren’t being asked (p. 17).” Winston Smith in Who Does the Dishes?There are three questions we’ll seek to answer in this chapter.
What Is a Biblical View of Authority?How Should a Couple Make Headship Decisions?How Should a Couple Follow Up on Headship Decisions?See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.
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For some consensus is the epitome of all things good… “if only everyone could get along and agree on the kind of world that was best.” For others it is the encapsulation of all that is wrong with the world… “trying to get everyone to agree results in bland, sterile uniformity with no conviction or passion.”
When you consider anything significant out of context you will eventually reach those kinds of polarized positions. That is why we are considering consensus decision making in the context of individual and headship-submission decisions making.
Consensus is neither the Savior nor the villain of a marriage. It is that important middle ground between exclusive individualism (living as independent decision makers – “just roommates”) and corporatism (allowing all decisions to be decided on the basis of authority – “controlling”).
Most of the really enjoyable parts of marriage will be experienced through consensus. If we didn’t believe this we would be content to remain single (individualism) or would gladly give away our freedoms and voice in decision making. But you didn’t. You chose to get married because you thought “doing life with” your spouse was superior.
The goal of this chapter is to teach, or at least reinforce, the skills of consensus decision making so that this approach can comprise a larger and larger percentage of your marital decisions. The maturity of wise personal decision making (chapter three) is assumed and the necessity of headship-submission decision making (chapter five) is anticipated. But as often as possible, you should desire to decide together.
We’ll address this subject in three questions:
What do consensus and friendship have in common?What decisions fit in the “consensus” category?What is the process for consensus decision making?See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.
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It is one thing to “see” a fashion faux pas or the spin on a curve ball. It is another thing to be able to know what to “do” in response to either; what fashion correction to make or hot to adjust your swing. In the last chapter, we gained eyes to see several of the most common misconceptions or points of confusion about decision making and God’s will. In this chapter, we will strive to learn what to do with that information.
As we walk into this conversation, there is a dilemma we must address. Most discussions of decision making, secular or Christian, tend to be highly linear (step to step); but most moments of decision making do not lend themselves to a thorough process. This accounts for why we sometimes think that God’s will is only relevant for the “big decisions” of life – those both warranting and allowing the time for prayer, research, and deliberation.
This dilemma is only exacerbated by marriage. We want to be “on the same page” with our spouse in our decision making, even our personal decisions. However, this would require an additional step of consultation that is either cumbersome or not feasible to many decisions.
In this material, we will use “steps” (but in a loose sense of that word). However, as we discuss each “step” strong consideration will be given to how each “step” can be incorporated into a lifestyle. Guidance will also be given to how to develop “standard healthy practices” in marriage to allow for greater unity in personal decision making.
Here are the steps for personal decision making we’ll use as the major divisions in this chapter.
Live with Your “Yes” on the Table for GodIdentify What You’re Stewarding for GodManage the Basics with ExcellenceWatch for Challenges and OpportunitiesPursue the Necessary Information and CounselSeek God’s Guidance through Study and Prayer Decide with Confidence and FreedomSee acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.
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Often when someone is going through a hard time they will talk about “working on” or “processing” their pain. Those sound like concrete phrases. If someone is “working on” a fence, we can safely assume hammer, nails, or paint is involved. If a store is “processing” a purchase, we can assume they are shipping the product and passing the finances through their accounting department. But in the relational or emotional realm phrases like “working on” and “processing” become highly ambiguous.
Similarly, in the church, we talk about “God’s will” as if it were a clear concept, but often we feel as confused as someone who lost a loved one and is trying to “do grief.” We think God’s will is something we should naturally know how to pursue. The fact that we use the phrase “God’s will” frequently only makes this misconception and the accompanying insecurity worse.
In this chapter we want to answer two questions that will help us know what we’re talking about when we talk about “trying to find God’s will” for a decision: (1) How many ways does the Bible define “God’s will”? and (2) How should we think about finding God’s will?
Answering these questions will set the stage for chapter three, where we will provide principles for personal decision making that are essential for the health of a marriage between two perpetual decision makers (i.e., people).
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Trying to learn how to make decisions, as an individual or as a couple, can feel a bit like trying to learn how to breathe. It seems like something that has to be natural in order to be effective. If we had to think about breathing, then we’d fear getting distracted and suffocating. When we think about being intentional in our decision making it can quickly feel like such an effort would take over our lives.
There is good deal of merit to this concern. If we tried to bring overt thought and prescribe processes to every individual or marital decision in order to ensure that we arrived at the will of God, then our lives would be paralyzed. We would live in fear or fail to complete a large number of tasks that life requires.
But we’ve all been burned by the alternative. After a bad decision we put on our “20/20 Hindsight Glasses” and see how greater intentionality could have alleviated the unpleasant outcome. We begin to think it would be “worth it” to run our decisions through some kind of process. But it’s hard to determine what level of decision warrants this process (where’s “the line”?) and what kind of process to use for each decision.
These challenges emerge before we introduce the difficulty of two-party decision making required in marriage. It is hard enough to answer these questions as an individual, but they are multiplied when married couples must both agree (mental consent) and cooperate (logistical follow through) on decisions.
These are the challenges we are tackling in this seminar. In order to address these challenges, we will divide decision making into three arenas. Too often, couples try to force all decision making to fit into one or two of these arenas. They may do this for convenience (but simple becomes simplistic) or conviction (emphasizing some part of what Scripture teaches to the neglect of other parts). Either way, their life lacks balance and begins to show the corresponding wear-and-tear.
Personal Decision Making (Disciple; Eph. 5:15-17): The foundation of a healthy couple is two individuals committed to wise personal decision making. We must be a faithful disciple of Christ before we will be a good husband/wife to our spouse. It is neither possible nor advisable for a couple to consult each other on every decision they make. Shared values, agreed upon life structures (i.e., calendar and budget), and appreciation for what is important to each other comprise the foundation of personal decision making that will bless a marriage. We will discuss how to approach personal decision making in chapters two and three.Consensus Decision Making (Friends; Eph. 5:21): Another large portion of marital decisions will be made as friends through the process of consensus. This is how two individuals begin to shape “our life” together that represents the new “we” more than the individual “me’s.” As a couple grows in their knowledge and sacrifice for another, this arena of decision making should become the significant majority of their shared decision making. Consensus should be the default approach to decision making throughout marriage. How to approach consensus decision making will be discussed in chapter four.Corporate Decision Making (Headship-Submission; Eph. 5:22-31): Not all decisions can be made through consensus. Couples will not agree on every decision. Some decisions do not allow for a “middle ground” because of limited options. How and when to engage the headship-submission style of decision making will be discussed in chapter five. But a brief preface will be made here. The fact that God gives husbands the role of headship in these kinds of decisions does not mean the husband must/should choose his preference in each instance. While the final call does belong to the husband, it is an unwise husband who always calls his own number.Before we take this journey, take a moment to reflect. Knowing where you want to go is only helpful if you know where you are. The three points above tell us where we want to get with this seminar, but use the remainder of this chapter to assess where you and your spouse are beginning this journey.
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Momentum is a gloriously dangerous thing. It can either propel you forward or cause you to crash. If you have made it to this point in the process (not just the seminar), then you have created a lot of possibilities that will either greatly enhance or deter your personal, marital, and spiritual life. But either way, at this point something significant will happen.
While debt is a powerful negative force of slavery (Prov. 22:7), money is a powerful neutral force. Well-managed money does not necessarily equal a well-managed life. There are plenty of rich people who have intense mid-life crises and accomplish little of eternal significance with their assets. At the same time, there are many in the lower and middle socio-economic classes who live with great peace and impact the world for God in profound ways.
The point is this; a budget is a means to an end. We make a budget for the same reason we buy a plane ticket – to get somewhere. While the destination is usually clearer when you buy a plane ticket, the amount of movement (ticket-geographical; budget-character) is about the same. The goal of this chapter is to ensure that you experience both aspects of freedom (financial and spiritual) that God intends from implementing the financial wisdom Scripture prescribes.
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It is the rare (but wise) couple who begins planning (budgeting) before they begin doing (spending). From the moment he asks, “Will you marry me?” there are more expenses than there are funds available. Most couples have accumulated debt even before they start planning their wedding, honeymoon, and life together.
The result is that most couples have debt to eliminate (chapter four) before they can move toward short-term and long term saving (chapter five). The absence of a financial plan generated a false freedom facilitated by debt. Hence, we tend to associate the elimination of debt more with the loss of freedom. But this perceived freedom was (a) never really ours and is (b) actually a delayed bondage.
In this chapter we will seek to answer the question, “How can we live debt free?” in two ways. First, we will look at the best way to get out of debt. In this section we will talk about the priorities and steps necessary to pay off your debt. Paying off debt is hard and without a plan that is well-structured and that you are confidant in, you are likely to quit.
Second, we will look at ways to live more economically in order to accelerate debt elimination. But the focus of this section will not be mere frugality. The recommendations will focus on family practices that cultivate a healthy marriage / family life. Most of what we did to get into debt did not significantly benefit our marriage. But the things that we do to get out of debt can generate both financial freedom and a lifestyle that enriches your marriage.
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In this chapter we will take the journey from mere numbers on a piece of paper to a living document that directs your life towards your family mission and values. Embracing this distinction is the difference between something you will try-and-quit and a lifestyle change that you’ll embrace and advocate for others. The purpose of a budget is more than mere number-awareness, but spending your life on purpose for the distinct reasons God created you.
This chapter will read like “step work,” but it is not a recovery program. We are going to try to be highly practical and assume nothing. It takes an average of 3 months before these steps are smooth enough to only take 30 minutes per week, but they will get you to the place that you can run your home finances in less time than it takes to watch a sitcom.
Interspersed with the practical steps, comments will be made to continually re-orient you from mere number-crunching and document-surfing back to how budgeting enables you to spend your life on purpose and enrich your marraige. Logistics are necessary for longevity, but logistics alone will not fuel our perseverance. While this chapter focuses on the practical, do not lose sight of the big picture that orients the “how to” back to the “why.”
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Budgets are a victim of prejudice. Everyone hates them, but most people who hate them don’t really know them. They have only heard budgets talked about badly and have embraced that negative sentiment as their own. Or they take a simplistic caricature of a budget and deride it to make them feel better about their own budget-less existence. They make jokes about budgets to reinforce the idea that these are absurd, slavish documents that should be ostracized.
Here is the challenge of this chapter – get to know what a budget really is. Start a conversation about budgeting that is free from prejudice. Recognize that what you studied in chapter one were the lies propagated against budgets meant to bias your opinion. Efforts at budgeting tainted by these lies will cripple your ability or willingness to do what is required in budgeting. This turns into self-fulfilling failure that reinforces the biases of a financially-irrational, debt-sick culture which mocks the wisdom of “spending less than you make” and “intentionally knowing and tracking where your money goes.”
Treat budgeting like a co-worker that you were lied to about on his first day on the job and for the first couple of years these lies coerced you into disliking him. You interpreted their every action and conversation through these lies. You have now come to learn that the lies were false, and you want to get to know them for who they really are. The lies were believed and acted upon long enough that you still have to battle your instincts, but you know battling these biases is both the right thing to do and the only way to learn the truth about him.
To help you in this process, we will seek to answer two questions in this chapter:
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Imagine you’re on the Family Feud game show. The host comes to you and says, “We’ve surveyed 100 families and asked what they believe is a good idea, but still don’t do. Can you give us one of the top five answers?” There is a good chance if you answered, “Budgeting,” you would have the #1 answer.
There is no one who really believes, “You can neglect paying attention to your finances and expect everything to turn out fine. Spend what you want, when you want, try not to be excessive (but don’t define “excessive”), and you should be alright.” We would roll our eyes and laugh as we read this if it were not the reality in which so many people tried to live.
There are many reasons why families don’t use a budget. Unless we examine these “reasons” (a.k.a. excuses) they will either seem valid or insurmountable. Until we debunk or re-frame these “reasons” all of the practical advice provided in the rest of this seminar will just be “good ideas” that we “should do” and feel guilty not doing. Then we would just try not to think about it in order to avoid the guilt until we have our next “marital money fight” or a financial crisis.
That is the purpose of this first chapter – we want to address the reasons we don’t have or follow a budget so that we are ready to implement the things that we all know we should do. As you read this chapter be honest with yourself and your spouse. Allow this chapter to generate important conversations that are usually only engaged defensively during a money problem or disagreement.
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C.S. Lewis hit the nail on the head when he wrote, “Everyone says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive (p.115; Mere Christianity).” We instinctively realize there are few gifts that we can give or receive which are more precious and costly than forgiveness.
With a bit of reflection, we realize that forgiveness is not something we can give ourselves (contrary to the popular notion). It is something that must be given at significant personal cost to the giver. This is what makes forgiveness so precious. Those things that can only be received and not achieved have an indefinable value – forgiveness is on that list.
While it may not be the most popular topic on the marriage seminar tours, there are few skills that predict the longevity and quality of a marriage like the ability of each partner to forgive. Those couples who have an accurate understanding of what forgiveness is (and is not), and are willing to apply their understanding have an essential skill for navigating the inevitable hurts and failures that will be experienced within a marriage.
Yet misconceptions and fears about forgiveness cause many people to be cynical about this essential part of a healthy marriage. Often those who struggle to forgive significantly misconstrue what it means to forgive.
For this reason we will take our time getting to the practical commitments of forgiveness. Our goal is not merely to give a biblically accurate definition of what it means to forgive, but to remove the false assumptions and defensive rebuttals that cause us to resist viewing forgiveness as a blessing – not only to our spouse and marriage, but also for us personally.
In this chapter we will address five major subjects.
What You Don’t Need to Forgive Options Besides ForgivenessWhat Forgiveness Is NotWhat Is Forgiveness?Emotions and ForgivenessSee acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.
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The first half of this seminar was about preventing the need for repentance – the better we understand the challenges of communication, how to listen well, and engage in day-to-day communication, the less we will need to repent. The last chapter was focused on limiting the severity of what we have to repent from – the better we understand what makes conflict spiral, the less damage our sin will do. But no amount of writing on this topic will remove the need for both husband and wife to be excellent at repentance.
If we want a healthy marriage, we must begin to view repentance as a skill to master rather than inconvenience to avoid. Any marriage material that does not teach on repentance as a vital part of maintaining unity is dangerously naïve about the human condition. To avoid the subject of repentance is to assume that we are going to get everything we’ve been learning right every time there is an opportunity to apply it – doubtful.
You need to be able to read this introduction without a sense of dread. Repentance done well is incredibly romantic because it says, “I value our marriage more than my pride.” Moments of sacrifice are always powerfully bonding. When we sacrifice our pride through repentance it bonds us with the one to whom we are repenting. Of all the investments you can make in your marriage, this will likely be the most impactful.
As you read this chapter, it is important that you think of three “time zones” related to repentance.
Past: How can I repent well before a conflict begins (much conflict is sparked by unrepentance)? Present: How can I repent well during or immediately after a conflict (to minimize its negative impact)?Future: How can I follow up my repentance with the fruit that would demonstrate genuineness (Matt. 3:8)?This chapter will be broken into two major sections: (1) What is repentance? and (2) What are the marks of genuine repentance? The first section is intended to equip you to be excellent in the past and present “time zones.” The second section is designed to help you be excellent in the future “time zone” of repentance.
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The best outcome for marital conflict is neither avoidance nor victory, but honor and unity. We must realize how much the mindset we take into conflict determines the outcome of our disagreements. Many of us feel like conflict is inherently wrong and, therefore, whenever it occurs, feel defeated. Others of us are competitive and when conflict arises have an instinctual “game on” response that generates a “refuse to lose” mindset.
Conflict done well can be the best friend of your marriage. This is not a nicer recasting of the mantra “fight hard; make up hard.” It is a reality rooted in the “two sides of the same coin” relationship between love and anger.
“Anger is the fluid that love bleeds when you cut it (p. 97).” C.S. Lewis in Letters to Malcom
When we get angry or experience love we are saying that something matters a lot. When we get sinfully angry we are saying that this “something” matters more than our spouse (at least in that moment). When we express self-control we are saying that our spouse matters more than this “something.” This is why conflict done well is romantic – it affirms the value of the marriage over life’s circumstances or people’s failures and creates an atmosphere of safety.
Is it natural to do conflict in a way that blesses your marriage? No, if it were, there would be no need for so many books on communication. In the next two chapters we will consider the key skills to getting conflict back on track after it goes poorly – repentance and forgiveness. But first, in this chapter, we will look at the journey into conflict using four questions to guide our thinking.
Should we address a particular hurt, concern, or disagreement?How do we determine what we disagree on?How, when, and where should we have these conversations?For what do we need to be most on guard during conflict?See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.
- Visa fler
