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Why reducing cognitive load creates communities where more people can participate, connect, and thrive
Accessibility is often treated like a checklist: add captions, include transcripts, make sure the technology works. But what if accessibility is actually something much deeper? What if it is one of the clearest ways we communicate care and create spaces where people genuinely belong?
In this solo episode, Tonya Kubo expands on her conversation with Dr. Catrina Mitchum and explores why accessibility is about far more than compliance. Whether you're leading an online course, hosting a workshop, facilitating a community, or running an in-person event, every design decision either removes friction or creates it. Those choices shape who feels welcomed, who feels excluded, and who has the opportunity to fully participate.
Through practical examples ranging from breakout rooms and workshop activities to transcripts, captions, seating arrangements, and course design, Tonya unpacks the hidden impact of cognitive load. She challenges creators and community leaders to stop asking whether people can technically access an experience and start asking whether they've intentionally designed an experience that allows people to succeed.
More than anything, this episode is an invitation to view accessibility as an act of hospitality. Small, thoughtful changes don't just support people with disabilities. They create better experiences for parents, busy professionals, neurodivergent learners, and anyone who benefits from having multiple ways to engage. Because when people feel considered, they feel connected. And connection is where belonging begins.
You’ll hear how:
Accessibility extends far beyond captions and transcriptsCognitive load influences how people participate and learnThoughtful design benefits everyone, not just people with disabilitiesOnline and in-person experiences can unintentionally create barriersCharging extra for basic accessibility features undermines belongingEvery activity should be designed with a clear learning goal in mindOffering multiple ways to participate lowers barriers to engagementSmall changes communicate care and strengthen communityAsking "Who might be left out?" leads to more inclusive experiencesBelonging cannot exist without meaningful access
Episode Highlights[01:10] Why accessibility is about removing friction, not checking boxes
[05:00] How cognitive load shapes the way people learn and participate
[09:30] Why transcripts, captions, and multiple learning formats benefit everyone
[13:50] The problem with putting accessibility behind a paywall
[17:45] Three questions every course creator and community leader should ask
[21:20] How offering multiple ways to participate strengthens belonging
[25:00] Why accessibility is ultimately an act of care
Resources & MentionsEpisode 026 – Interview with Dr. Catrina Mitchum
Meet Your HostTonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point. Her favorite spaces? The ones where the freak flags fly high.
Support the ShowIf Find Your Freaks matters to you, help us keep it ad-free by buying us a coffee (or two!). Every dollar goes to production so more weirdos can find their people.
You can purchase Find Your Freaks merchandise online through Abilities and Attitudes.
Let’s Stay FreakyFacebook GroupLinkedInInstagramPodcast Hub
What’s NextNext time, Tonya sits down with Alicia Shidler to explore what it means to live with radical intention. Together, they unpack choosing purpose over expectations, building a life anchored in what matters most, and why being a good parent doesn’t mean losing yourself along the way.
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What if accessibility isn't a checklist to complete, but one of the most powerful ways we create belonging?
We love to talk about community — how to build it, grow it, and sustain it. But here’s the truth: you can’t have community without access. And too often, accessibility gets reduced to a narrow conversation about compliance, accommodations, or disability when it’s really about something much bigger.
In this episode of Find Your Freaks, Tonya Kubo sits down with learning experience designer and online education expert Dr. Catrina Mitchum to explore what accessibility actually means and why it matters far beyond legal requirements. Drawing on nearly two decades of experience teaching adults online, Catrina shares how thoughtful course design, clear communication, and a willingness to ask better questions can help more people participate, learn, and belong.
Together, Tonya and Catrina unpack the hidden barriers that often prevent people from fully engaging in learning communities, from cognitive overload and unclear instructions to assumptions about technology, culture, and prior experience. They also challenge the idea that accessibility is something extra we do after the fact, arguing instead that it should be woven into the foundation of every community and learning experience from the start.
At its core, this conversation is a reminder that accessibility isn't about perfection. It's about making intentional choices that help more people feel seen, supported, and welcomed into the room.
In This Episode, We ExploreWhy accessibility is foundational to belonging and communityHow accessibility extends far beyond captions and compliance checklistsThe hidden role cognitive load plays in learning and participationWhy clear instructions and context make learning more accessibleHow providing options helps people engage in ways that work best for themThe connection between accessibility, inclusion, and community buildingCommon mistakes course creators make when trying to be accessibleWhy asking people what they need is often the most powerful first stepHow accessibility benefits everyone, not just those with disabilitiesPractical ways business owners and educators can make immediate improvements
Episode Highlights[03:15] Why accessibility is really about belonging
[08:20] Expanding accessibility beyond captions, ramps, and compliance
[19:30] The role cognitive load plays in learning and participation
[24:40] Why learners need to understand the purpose behind what they're doing
[30:15] How accessibility strengthens communities and invites diverse expertise
[44:15] The simple question that can make any space more welcoming: “What would make this a pleasant experience?”
Meet Our GuestDr. Catrina Mitchum is on a mission to revolutionize the online course creation space. A recovering academic who has been teaching adults online since 2009, she combines her expertise in learning experience design, instructional strategy, and accessibility to help overwhelmed small business owners create courses that actually support learner success. Through her work, Catrina helps aspiring course creators build engaging, accessible learning experiences that prioritize people over perfection.
Meet Your HostTonya Kubo is a community strategist, writer, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. She’s spent nearly two decades building online spaces that feel more like chosen family than comment sections, and she’s not afraid to call out the fluff in favor of real connection. As the founder of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers, builders, and bridge-makers who believe that “normal” was never the point. When she’s not hosting the show, she’s raising two daughters, leading client communities, and making meaning out of the mess.
Key Quotes“Accessibility isn't optional. It's foundational to belonging.”
“When we make things accessible to more people, it helps far beyond the people we were originally trying to serve.”
“You are not the only expert in the room, and that's exactly how community should work.”
“It's okay if you don't know what people need. Asking is a really good first step.”
“What would make this a pleasant experience?”
Resources & MentionsDr. Catrina MitchumCourse Creator PlaybookDr. Catrina Mitchum YouTube Channel
Support the ShowIf Find Your Freaks matters to you, help us keep it ad-free by buying us a coffee (or two!). Every dollar goes to production so more weirdos can find their people.
You can purchase Find Your Freaks merchandise online through Abilities and Attitudes.
Let's Stay FreakyFacebook GroupLinkedInInstagramPodcast Hub
What's NextIn the next episode, Tonya explores what accessibility really means beyond captions, transcripts, and compliance checklists. Building on her conversation with Dr. Catrina Mitchum, she examines how removing unnecessary barriers creates stronger communities, deeper belonging, and better experiences for everyone.
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Saknas det avsnitt?
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Why some communities become collaborative while others turn territorial, and what that reveals about belonging
Some communities feel expansive. People share resources freely, celebrate each other’s wins, and welcome newcomers like there is enough room for everyone. Other spaces feel guarded. Information gets hoarded, collaboration feels performative, and every new voice quietly registers as competition.
In this solo episode, Tonya Kubo explores why that difference is rarely about whether people are “good” or “bad” and almost always about structure. Using examples from fiction writing communities, nonfiction publishing, online business spaces, and personal development ecosystems, Tonya breaks down how scarcity shapes behavior and how communities unintentionally teach people whether to connect or protect themselves.
This episode digs into the emotional architecture behind collaboration, competition, trust, and belonging. Why do some spaces naturally create generosity while others create defensiveness? Why do people become territorial when identity, expertise, or authority are tied to success? And what happens when communities reward visibility, curiosity, and shared discovery instead of exclusivity?
More than anything, this conversation is an invitation to stop asking whether people are “engaged enough” and start asking what behaviors the space itself rewards. Because communities do not become collaborative by accident. They become collaborative when safety, generosity, and contribution are intentionally reinforced.
You’ll hear how:
Fiction communities often feel more collaborative because success is additive, not mutually exclusiveScarcity changes how people share knowledge, support others, and respond to newcomersNonfiction communities become more territorial when trust is tied to the creator instead of the ideaCommunity structure teaches members how to behave, whether intentionally or notPsychological safety creates generosity while fear creates defensivenessRewarding collaboration publicly changes the emotional temperature of a spaceBelonging grows when people stop treating each other like threatsAmbition and collaboration do not have to exist in opposition to each other
Episode Highlights[01:15] The difference between communities that feel like potlucks versus cage matches
[03:40] Why fiction ecosystems naturally encourage collaboration
[07:10] How nonfiction spaces tie trust to authority and identity
[10:45] Why self-help and business communities often become more territorial
[14:20] The role scarcity plays in shaping community behavior
[17:05] Why plagiarism fears feel more personal in nonfiction spaces
[20:10] How communities teach members what behaviors are rewarded
[23:15] The connection between psychological safety and generosity
[26:00] Why belonging grows when people stop treating each other like threats
[28:05] The question every community leader should ask about their space
Resources & MentionsEpisode 024 – Interview with Michelle ChouinardClutter-Free Academy by Kathi LippThe Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo
Meet Your HostTonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point. Her favorite spaces? The ones where the freak flags fly high.
Support the ShowIf Find Your Freaks matters to you, help us keep it ad-free by buying us a coffee (or two!). Every dollar goes to production so more weirdos can find their people.
You can purchase Find Your Freaks merchandise online through Abilities and Attitudes.
Let’s Stay FreakyFacebook GroupLinkedInInstagramPodcast Hub
What’s NextNext time, Tonya Kubo sits down with Dr. Catrina Mitchum to explore why accessibility is not just a compliance issue — it’s the foundation of belonging. Together, they unpack what it really means to create online spaces where people can fully participate, connect, and thrive.
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What happens when the people around you stop feeling like competitors and start feeling like collaborators?
There’s a stereotype about writers that most of us recognize immediately: the guarded creative protecting their ideas because success feels limited. And in some spaces, that mindset makes sense. When opportunities feel scarce, people naturally become more protective.
But in this episode of Find Your Freaks, Tonya Kubo sits down with bestselling thriller author M.M. Chouinard to explore what happens when a community operates differently. In the mystery writing world Michelle inhabits, success often feels additive rather than competitive. Readers recommend authors to each other. Writers cheer each other on. Collaboration becomes part of the culture instead of a threat to it.
Together, Tonya and Michelle unpack how the structure of a community shapes the way people connect, share, and belong. Michelle also shares her path from developmental psychology and academia into thriller writing, along with the role fandom, creativity, and online connection have played in her life and career.
At its core, this episode asks an important question for community builders: Are people naturally territorial, or are they responding to environments that taught them success is mutually exclusive?
In This Episode, We ExploreWhy some communities naturally encourage collaboration while others create competitionHow scarcity changes the way people connect and share with each otherThe unique culture of the mystery writing and reading worldMichelle’s transition from academia and developmental psychology into thriller writingThe role fandom plays in creating belonging and identityWhy readers often become the bridge between creators rather than gatekeepersHow creative communities shape the emotional experience of successWhat community leaders can learn from environments where generosity thrives
Episode Highlights[03:45] Michelle’s journey from psychology professor to bestselling thriller author
[09:20] Why mystery readers rarely stop at just one author
[15:10] How abundance thinking changes the culture inside creative communities
[22:35] The emotional difference between collaborative and competitive spaces
[29:40] Why fandom creates connection faster than traditional networking
[36:15] The hidden pressures creators feel when success seems limited
[42:05] What community builders misunderstand about scarcity and behavior
[47:10] Why belonging grows faster in spaces where people openly share opportunities
Meet Our GuestM.M. Chouinard is an Edgar Award–nominated bestselling author known for weaving psychology, suspense, and human complexity into gripping thrillers. She is the author of The Serial-Killer Guide to San Francisco series, the Detective Jo Fournier thriller series, and the standalone psychological thriller The Vacation. Before becoming a full-time author, Michelle earned a Ph.D. in developmental psychology from Stanford University and served as a founding faculty member at University of California, Merced. When she’s not writing dark and twisty stories, she enjoys caffeine in all forms, amateur genealogy, crafting, baking, and absolutely anything related to Halloween.
Meet Your HostTonya Kubo is a community strategist, writer, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. She’s spent nearly two decades building online spaces that feel more like chosen family than comment sections, and she’s not afraid to call out the fluff in favor of real connection. As the founder of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers, builders, and bridge-makers who believe that “normal” was never the point. When she’s not hosting the show, she’s raising two daughters, leading client communities, and making meaning out of the mess.
Key Quotes“When success feels limited, people protect themselves. When success feels expansive, people start pulling others in.”“Readers don’t usually want one good book. They want a whole shelf full of authors they can trust.”“Community changes when people stop seeing each other as obstacles and start seeing each other as possibilities.”“Scarcity doesn’t just shape money. It shapes behavior, trust, and belonging.”
Resources & MentionsM.M. Chouinard Official WebsiteThe Serial-Killer Guide to San Francisco SeriesDetective Jo Fournier SeriesThe VacationEdgar Awards
Support the ShowIf Find Your Freaks matters to you, consider buying us a coffee to keep the show ad-free. Every dollar supports production so more weirdos can find their people.
Find Your Freaks merchandise is available through Abilities and Attitudes.
Let’s Stay FreakyFacebook GroupLinkedInInstagramPodcast Hub
What’s NextIn the next episode, Tonya explores why some communities naturally foster collaboration while others create competition and territorial behavior. Drawing from this conversation with Michelle, she unpacks how scarcity shapes the way people connect, share opportunities, and decide whether it feels safe to truly belong.
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Why people don’t stop hiding because they want to, but because it finally feels safe to be seen.
Most communities don’t fail because people stop caring.
They fail because too much care is required from too few people.
In this solo episode, Tonya Kubo explores what actually makes a community sustainable and why the traditional, leader-centered model quietly sets communities up to collapse. What looks like strong leadership often creates hidden fragility, where everything depends on one person showing up, holding it together, and carrying the weight.
Drawing on Stacey’s real-world example from a military spouse community, Tonya breaks down what happens when belonging is built into the structure instead of assigned as a responsibility. Instead of hosting and managing every event, Stacey’s model distributes ownership, allowing members to create, lead, and sustain connection themselves.
Tonya also challenges one of the most common assumptions in community-building: that disengagement is caused by apathy. In reality, it is often the opposite. People care, but when the burden is too high or the ownership is not shared, they step back instead of stepping in.
If your community feels dependent on you, or if you have ever wondered whether what you are building could last without you, this episode offers a powerful reframe of what it takes to create something that actually endures.
You’ll hear how:
Communities don’t fail from apathy, but from uneven distribution of laborBurnout in leadership is often a design flaw, not a personal failureSelf-sustaining communities differ from self-running onesStacey’s model distributes ownership without losing structureCommunities built around personality are inherently fragilePurpose-driven communities create continuity beyond the founderDelegating tasks is not the same as transferring ownershipShared responsibility creates stronger, more resilient belonging
Episode Highlights[01:40] The realization that Tonya had been wearing a mask without noticing
[03:50] Why we hold back when something doesn’t feel “worth the effort”
[06:30] The difference between fitting in and actually being seen
[08:45] The shift that happened after discovering Ellie Trier’s work
[11:10] The story of a friend whose honesty revealed something deeper
[13:50] What happens when someone doesn’t try to fix or reframe your truth
[16:20] Why you can’t force someone to remove their mask
[18:30] How safety changes the cost of being honest
[20:40] What it looks like to model real acceptance
[22:10] The invitation to show up fully so others can do the same
Resources & MentionsEpisode 022 – Neurospicy and Never Alone with Eli TrierZuzu’s House of Cats
Meet Your HostTonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point. Her favorite spaces? The ones where the freak flags fly high.
Support the ShowIf Find Your Freaks matters to you, help us keep it ad-free by buying us a coffee (or two!). Every dollar goes to production so more weirdos can find their people.
You can purchase Find Your Freaks merchandise online through Abilities and Attitudes.
Let’s Stay FreakyFacebook GroupLinkedInInstagramPodcast Hub
What’s NextWe love to talk about community. How to build it, grow it, sustain it. But next time, we’re going somewhere a little unexpected. Tonya sits down with bestselling mystery author Michelle Chouinard to explore the minds of people who obsess over red herrings, stay up all night chasing clues, and cannot rest until they solve the puzzle. But this conversation is not just about mystery writing. It is about curiosity, connection, and the way stories bring people together.
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What if the thing that makes you feel like an outsider is actually the key to real belonging?
We spend a lot of time talking about how to build community — how to grow it, structure it, and sustain it. But we don’t talk nearly enough about what it feels like to be the person on the outside of it. The one who doesn’t quite fit, who feels like “too much,” or who has learned to edit themselves just to stay in the room.
In this episode of Find Your Freaks, Tonya Kubo sits down with Eli Trier — artist, writer, and self-described “dopamine dealer” — to explore what it means to live as an outsider and how that experience can become the foundation for something powerful. As a neuroqueer, AuDHD creator, Eli doesn’t just make art. She creates spaces where people who have always felt different finally feel seen and understood.
Eli shares how years of feeling “too much” shaped her work and her perspective on belonging. Instead of trying to fit into spaces that never quite worked, she began building her own — spaces where otherness isn’t something to hide, but something to celebrate.
Together, they challenge a common assumption about community: that belonging comes from fitting in. Because in the end, real belonging isn’t about being tolerated. It’s about being recognized.
In This Episode, We ExploreWhat it actually feels like to move through the world as an outsiderThe hidden cost of trying to “pass” as normalWhy being “too much” is often a context problem, not a personal flawHow Eli uses art to create emotional refuge and recognitionThe difference between being included and truly belongingWhat community builders get wrong about inclusionHow showing up fully creates permission for others to do the same
Episode Highlights[03:15] Why Eli’s “freaks” are the weird, creative, non-traditional souls
[09:40] What it means to be neuroqueer and AuDHD in a world built for sameness
[17:20] The experience of being “too much” and learning to self-edit
[26:10] Why fitting in can feel safer… but costs more than we think
[34:45] How Eli’s art creates a sense of recognition and belonging
[42:30] The difference between inclusion and true belonging
[51:00] Why community builders need to rethink what “safe space” actually means
[1:02:15] The power of showing up fully and going first
Meet Our GuestElinor Trier is a neuroqueer AuDHD artist, writer, podcaster, YouTuber, dopamine dealer, and founder of Elinor Trier Studio and Zuzu’s Haus of Cats, where she creates artwork that celebrates “otherness,” reminding you that you’re not the “odd one out,” you’re “one of a kind.” Her work lives in private collections worldwide and has been featured in multiple media outlets, including the Nautilus Silver Award-winning book Creatrix: She Who Makes. She reads ten books a week, snorts when she laughs, and might actually be a pile of cats in a sparkly trench coat.
Meet Your HostTonya Kubo is a community strategist, writer, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. She’s spent nearly two decades building online spaces that feel more like chosen family than comment sections, and she’s not afraid to call out the fluff in favor of real connection. As the founder of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers, builders, and bridge-makers who believe that “normal” was never the point. When she’s not hosting the show, she’s raising two daughters, leading client communities, and making meaning out of the mess.
Key Quotes“You’re not the odd one out. You’re one of a kind.” — Eli Trier“Being ‘too much’ usually just means you’re in the wrong room.” — Eli Trier“Belonging isn’t about being tolerated. It’s about being recognized.” — Eli Trier“The goal isn’t to become more palatable. It’s to find the places where you already make sense.” — Eli Trier
Resources & MentionsElinor Trier StudioZuzu’s Haus of CatsCreatrix: She Who Makes
Support the ShowIf Find Your Freaks matters to you, consider buying us a coffee to keep the show ad-free. Every dollar supports production so more weirdos can find their people.
Find Your Freaks merchandise is available through Abilities and Attitudes.
Let’s Stay FreakyFacebook GroupLinkedInInstagramPodcast Hub
What’s NextThe spaces that feel safest aren’t the ones where everyone fits in. In the next episode, Tonya explores what it really means to go first, why being the “freakiest” one in the room sets the tone for everyone else, and how showing up fully creates the kind of permission real belonging is built on.
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Why the strongest communities aren’t built around leadership but around shared ownership
Most communities don’t fail because people stop caring.
They fail because too much care is required from too few people.
In this solo episode, Tonya Kubo explores what actually makes a community sustainable and why the traditional, leader-centered model quietly sets communities up to collapse. What looks like strong leadership often creates hidden fragility, where everything depends on one person showing up, holding it together, and carrying the weight.
Drawing on Stacey’s real-world example from a military spouse community, Tonya breaks down what happens when belonging is built into the structure instead of assigned as a responsibility. Instead of hosting and managing every event, Stacey’s model distributes ownership, allowing members to create, lead, and sustain connection themselves.
Tonya also challenges one of the most common assumptions in community-building: that disengagement is caused by apathy. In reality, it is often the opposite. People care, but when the burden is too high or the ownership is not shared, they step back instead of stepping in.
If your community feels dependent on you, or if you have ever wondered whether what you are building could last without you, this episode offers a powerful reframe of what it takes to create something that actually endures.
You’ll hear how:
Communities don’t fail from apathy, but from uneven distribution of laborBurnout in leadership is often a design flaw, not a personal failureSelf-sustaining communities differ from self-running onesStacey’s model distributes ownership without losing structureCommunities built around personality are inherently fragilePurpose-driven communities create continuity beyond the founderDelegating tasks is not the same as transferring ownershipShared responsibility creates stronger, more resilient belonging
Episode Highlights[02:00] The question that reveals whether your community is built to last
[06:30] Why communities don’t actually fail from apathy
[12:15] How Stacey’s model distributes ownership from the start
[18:40] What happens when everything depends on one leader
[25:10] The difference between self-sustaining and self-running communities
[31:45] Why personality-driven communities are fragile
[38:20] How purpose creates continuity beyond the founder
[45:00] Delegation vs. true ownership and why it matters
[51:30] One simple shift to start redistributing responsibility
[57:00] The question every community leader needs to answer
Resources & MentionsEpisode 020 – Interview with Stacey MorganMargaret Marcuson, Sustainable MinistryThe Secret to Thriving Online Communities (Facebook Group)Clutter-Free Academy by Kathi Lipp
Meet Your HostTonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point. Her favorite spaces? The ones where the freak flags fly high.
Support the ShowIf Find Your Freaks matters to you, help us keep it ad-free by buying us a coffee (or two!). Every dollar goes to production so more weirdos can find their people.
You can purchase Find Your Freaks merchandise online through Abilities and Attitudes.
Let’s Stay FreakyFacebook GroupLinkedInInstagramPodcast Hub
What’s NextTonya sits down with Eli Trier, an artist, writer, podcaster, and self-described dopamine dealer whose work is a love letter to weirdos and misfits. As a neuroqueer, AuDHD creator, Eli shares what it means to build spaces where being different is not just accepted, but celebrated—and why belonging starts with making room for the outsider.
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What happens when the system meant to create community quietly disappears?
For decades, military spouse networks functioned as powerful support systems. They helped families navigate deployments, relocations, and the emotional weight of military life.
But as cultural expectations changed — and the volunteer structures holding those networks together disappeared — many military families found themselves facing a new challenge: isolation.
In this episode of Find Your Freaks, Tonya Kubo sits down with Stacey Morgan, a U.S. Army spouse of 25 years and leadership coach with The MomCo, to explore what happens when community breaks down and how everyday people can rebuild it.
Stacey shares how moving to a new duty station revealed just how fractured military spouse networks had become. Instead of waiting for someone else to fix it, she and two other spouses created a radically simple model for rebuilding community: no dues, no drama, and member-led interest groups.
Their approach flips traditional leadership models upside down and reminds us of something simple but powerful: Community isn’t something we consume. It’s something we create.
And sometimes the bravest thing you can do is go first.
In This Episode, We ExploreWhy traditional military spouse support networks have collapsed in many placesHow isolation impacts military families and even military retentionThe surprising role community plays in resilience during deploymentsStacey’s radically simple model for rebuilding communityWhy waiting to be rescued keeps people lonelyHow small interest groups can spark real connectionThe courage it takes to introduce yourself first
Episode Highlights[02:10] Why Stacey’s “freaks” are military spouses and the unique bond they share
[08:30] How traditional military spouse support systems quietly fell apart
[15:00] Why community connection impacts military family retention
[26:00] The hidden gaps created when volunteer support systems disappeared
[33:00] Stacey’s new model for community: “No dues, no drama”
[41:30] How small interest groups spark real connection
[53:00] The story behind Stacey’s book The Astronaut’s Wife
[1:03:00] The life lesson that changed everything: no one is coming to rescue you
[1:07:20] Where to start if you want to build community in your own life
Meet Our GuestStacey Morgan is an Army spouse of 25 years, mom of four, speaker, and author of The Astronaut’s Wife: How Launching My Husband into Outer Space Changed the Way I Live on Earth. Stacey serves on staff with The MomCo as an executive leadership coach, membership manager, and lead for military and online groups. She and her family are currently stationed at White Sands Missile Test Range in New Mexico.
Meet Your HostTonya Kubo is a community strategist, writer, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. She’s spent nearly two decades building online spaces that feel more like chosen family than comment sections, and she’s not afraid to call out the fluff in favor of real connection. As the founder of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers, builders, and bridge-makers who believe that “normal” was never the point. When she’s not hosting the show, she’s raising two daughters, leading client communities, and making meaning out of the mess.
Key Quotes“There’s no rescuer coming for you. And as sad as that sounds, there’s freedom in it.” — Stacey Morgan“You can’t wait for someone to show up and tell you what to do. Community has to be built by the people who want it.” — Stacey Morgan“The future of community has to be light, nimble, and member-led.” — Stacey Morgan“Enough of this culture of complaining about what doesn’t exist. If you want it, be willing to host it.” — Stacey Morgan“You have to get out of your house. No one is going to come knocking on your door.” — Stacey Morgan
Resources & MentionsThe Astronaut’s Wife: How Launching My Husband into Outer Space Changed the Way I Live on Earth by Stacey MorganStacey Morgan (official website)The MomCoBlue Star FamiliesMilitary Spouse Advocacy NetworkMarco Polo AppSharon McMahon
Support the ShowIf Find Your Freaks matters to you, consider buying us a coffee to keep the show ad-free. Every dollar supports production so more weirdos can find their people.
Find Your Freaks merchandise is available through Abilities and Attitudes.
Let’s Stay FreakyFacebook GroupLinkedInInstagramPodcast Hub
What’s NextThe strongest communities aren’t built around one person. In the next episode, Tonya explores why the best communities are designed to survive their founders, how Stacey’s model flips leadership on its head, and what happens when belonging becomes part of the structure instead of the job description.
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Why strong communities aren’t built through activity, but through shared responsibility and trust.
Most communities don’t fail because of bad content, the wrong platform, or even the wrong people.
They fail because of design.
In this solo episode, Tonya Kubo explores why many communities appear active but still feel shallow or fragile. High engagement doesn’t always mean people feel connected—and connection alone doesn’t guarantee belonging. What actually sustains a community is interdependence: the sense that members rely on one another and that their presence truly matters.
Using business strategist Gwen Bortner’s client ecosystem as a real-world example, Tonya breaks down the design decisions that create durable belonging. Instead of organizing people by stage, industry, or hierarchy, Gwen curates for shared values, protects the culture of the container early, and intentionally encourages members to rely on each other—not just on the leader.
Tonya also addresses a harder truth: communities often fail because leaders unintentionally centralize power. When everything flows through one person, the group may look lively but remains fragile. True belonging only emerges when leadership distributes trust and members become necessary to one another.
If your community feels loud but lonely, engaged but disconnected, this episode offers a powerful reframing of what it actually takes to build spaces where people matter.
You’ll hear how:
Communities often fail due to design, not engagement levelsConnection is required for belonging—but they are not the same thingBelonging forms through interdependence, not proximityCurating for shared values strengthens cohesion more than grouping by stageProtecting the container early preserves culture laterMember-to-member reliance deepens trust and relational densityOver-centralized leadership creates dependency instead of belongingSustainable communities distribute trust and shared ownership
Timestamp Highlights0:00 – 4:45 Why most communities fail due to design, not engagement4:46 – 9:20 Connection vs. belonging—and why the distinction matters9:21 – 16:40 How Gwen Bortner unintentionally designed belonging into her client community16:41 – 23:10 Curating members by values instead of business stage23:11 – 28:45 Protecting the container and maintaining culture through selection28:46 – 33:30 Why member-to-member reliance creates relational density33:31 – 40:10 The danger of leader-centered communities40:11 – 46:00 When control replaces stewardship—and communities collapse46:01 – 52:30 Why belonging comes from being necessary, not visible52:31 – 57:10 Designing communities where trust transfers and leadership distributes
Resources & MentionsEpisode 18 – Small Circle, Big Impact with Gwen BortnerThe Business You Really Want PodcastClutter-Free Academy by Kathi LippRachel Allen – Community support for spouses of incarcerated individualsNikki James Zellner – Carbon monoxide safety advocacy
Meet Your HostTonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point. Her favorite spaces? The ones where the freak flags fly high.
Support the ShowIf Find Your Freaks matters to you, help us keep it ad-free by buying us a coffee (or two!). Every dollar goes to production so more weirdos can find their people.
You can purchase Find Your Freaks merchandise online through Abilities and Attitudes.
Let’s Stay FreakyFacebook GroupLinkedInInstagramPodcast Hub
What’s NextTonya talks with Stacey Morgan, an Army spouse of 25 years, mom of four, speaker, and author of The Astronaut’s Wife. Stacey shares how launching her husband into space reshaped the way she approaches fear, leadership, and going first. Together, they explore what it means to build connection and lead with courage in communities shaped by constant change.
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Why shared values matter more than size when building real community
Some freaks build massive platforms.
Stages.
Email lists.
Follower counts.
And then there are the freaks who build quietly — curating small circles rooted in shared values, deep trust, and sustainable connection.
In this episode of Find Your Freaks, Tonya Kubo sits down with business strategist and operations expert Gwen Bortner to explore what community looks like when you opt out of hype, funnels, and “bigger is better” messaging — and choose intentional depth instead.
Gwen has spent over four decades building businesses, forming networks, and supporting women entrepreneurs. And while she doesn’t run a massive membership or chase viral growth, she has cultivated something many people secretly crave: meaningful, values-driven connection that sustains itself.
Together, Tonya and Gwen unpack what makes a community truly work, why shared values matter more than shared industries, and how defining success on your own terms changes everything.
If you’ve ever felt pressure to scale bigger when what you really want is deeper — this conversation offers a grounded, confident alternative.
Episode Highlights[04:15] Why being “smart” doesn’t mean being smart at everything
[11:30] How shared values create stronger connection than shared revenue levels
[18:40] Why curated small groups bond faster than large memberships
[24:10] The confidence required to build “small on purpose”
[31:55] Why sustainable success matters more than being the best
[39:20] What happens when communities connect independently of the leader
[46:05] How to ask better questions than “What do you do?”
[52:30] One simple shift to help you find your people offline
When Smaller Becomes StrongerGwen challenges the assumption that community must be massive to matter.
Her approach is simple but powerful: curate small groups around shared values — not shared industries, revenue levels, or status.
In her quarterly planning retreats, women from wildly different business models and financial stages gather. What binds them isn’t similarity in structure — it’s alignment in values. Creativity. Kindness. Integrity. A desire to leave the world better than they found it.
The result? A community that sustains itself — even outside the container Gwen creates.
Private chats flourish. Partnerships form. Support extends beyond the structured event.
Not because it’s engineered.
Because it’s aligned.
Success Defined by YouOne of the most liberating themes in this episode is Gwen’s clarity around success.
She doesn’t chase being the biggest.
She doesn’t need to be the best.
She doesn’t measure her worth by follower counts.
Instead, she focuses on being consistently good — and building a business she can sustain without burnout.
In a world obsessed with scaling up, Gwen reminds us that confidence comes from knowing your own definition of success — and refusing to borrow someone else’s metrics.
The Power of Values in ConnectionPerhaps the most practical takeaway from this conversation is this:
If you want to find your people, stop asking what they do.
Ask what they love about what they do.
That one question reveals values. And values are the fastest way to determine alignment.
Community doesn’t form around résumés.
It forms around meaning.
Meet Our GuestGwen Bortner is a business strategist, operations expert, and trusted advisor with more than 40 years of experience across multiple industries. She helps women entrepreneurs define what they truly want and build sustainable businesses that reflect it — without chasing trends or sacrificing themselves in the process.
You can learn more at EverydayEffectiveness.com and listen to her co-hosted podcast, The Business You Really Want.
Meet Your HostTonya Kubo is a community strategist and marketing consultant known for building digital spaces that feel like chosen family. As host of Find Your Freaks, she brings together unconventional thinkers who know “normal” was never the point — and who believe that belonging is built through honesty and human connection.
Key Quotes“Shared values matter more than shared industries.” — Gwen Bortner“You don’t have to be the best to be consistently good.” — Gwen Bortner“If it isn’t sustainable, it isn’t success.” — Gwen Bortner“Confidence builds on itself.” — Gwen Bortner“Ask people what they love about what they do — that’s where the real connection starts.” — Gwen Bortner
Resources & MentionsEveryday EffectivenessThe Business You Really Want PodcastNever Split the Difference by Chris Voss
Support the ShowIf Find Your Freaks matters to you, consider buying us a coffee to keep the show ad-free. Every dollar supports production so more weirdos can find their people.
Find Your Freaks merchandise is available through Abilities and Attitudes.
Let’s Stay FreakyFacebook GroupLinkedInInstagramPodcast Hub
What’s NextSmall circles matter. But what makes them sustainable? In the next episode, Tonya explores the hidden structural flaw inside most communities, why designing everything around the leader creates fragility, and what it takes to build belonging that can thrive long after one person steps back.
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Why activity isn’t the same thing as impact—and why belonging begins where responsibility starts.
Belonging doesn’t come from being visible.
It comes from knowing that if you weren’t there, something real would be missing.
In this solo episode, Tonya Kubo reflects on a moment from her conversation with Jeff Yoshimi that wouldn’t let her go: people stay engaged when their effort actually changes something.
From that insight, Tonya unpacks a distinction many communities get wrong—the difference between participation and contribution. Liking posts, showing up to meetings, and staying active can create the appearance of belonging without ever creating real agency. And when communities confuse visibility for value, people drift—not because they don’t care, but because nothing they do seems to matter.
This episode explores why participation is safe and scalable, why contribution is risky and uneven, and why belonging forms not through sameness, but through shared responsibility. Tonya also speaks directly to community builders and leaders, examining what it ethically demands to steward spaces—especially when you’re managing communities you’re not personally part of.
If you’ve ever felt invisible in a crowded room, burned out in a highly “engaged” space, or frustrated that your efforts never seem to change the outcome, this episode names what’s really happening—and why it’s not a personal failure.
You’ll hear how:
Participation measures presence, but contribution changes systemsVisibility can be mistaken for value—and why that erodes belongingPeople disengage when effort has no consequenceBelonging forms through trust, not inclusion aloneUneven impact makes contribution emotionally riskyCommunities fail when they protect comfort instead of meaningEthical community stewardship centers member agency over controlBelonging doesn’t require sameness—it requires responsibility
Timestamp Highlights0:00 – 4:30 Why engagement doesn’t equal belonging4:31 – 9:10 The insight from gaming that reframed everything9:11 – 14:45 Participation vs. contribution—and why we confuse them14:46 – 19:30 Why people drift when nothing they do matters19:31 – 25:20 The emotional risk of uneven impact25:21 – 31:40 Designing communities where effort has consequence31:41 – 38:10 Stewardship, power, and managing communities you’re not part of38:11 – 43:50 Protecting pathways for agency instead of comfort43:51 – 48:30 Why belonging is responsibility—not sameness
Resources & MentionsEpisode 16 - Gaming Cancer: Belonging Beyond the Boundaries with Jeff YoshimiGaming Cancer: How Building and Playing Video Games Can Accelerate Scientific Discovery by Jeff YoshimiUniversity of California, Merced
Meet Your HostTonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point. Her favorite spaces? The ones where the freak flags fly high.
Support the ShowIf Find Your Freaks matters to you, help us keep it ad-free by buying us a coffee (or two!). Every dollar goes to production so more weirdos can find their people.
You can purchase Find Your Freaks merchandise online through Abilities and Attitudes.
Let’s Stay FreakyFacebook GroupLinkedInInstagramPodcast Hub
What’s NextTonya talks with Gwen Bortner, a business strategist and longtime collaborator, about creating connection outside the usual community models. No platforms, no funnels—just small, intentional relationships and what it looks like to build belonging off the grid.
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How play, science, and grief come together to create unexpected community
Some freaks show up in obvious places.
Labs. Universities. Gaming consoles.
And then there are the freaks who live at the intersections — where research meets play, grief meets creativity, and community forms in unexpected ways.
In this episode of Find Your Freaks, Tonya Kubo sits down with philosopher, cognitive scientist, and systems thinker Jeff Yoshimi, a professor at University of California, Merced, to explore how video games and citizen science can do more than entertain — they can save lives.
Jeff’s book Gaming Cancer was born out of personal loss, professional curiosity, and a refusal to accept helplessness as the final answer. After cancer touched his family in devastating ways, Jeff began asking a radical question:
What if everyday people — gamers, designers, artists, marketers — could meaningfully contribute to cancer research without needing a lab coat?
Together, Tonya and Jeff explore how games tap into our deep wiring as problem-solving creatures, why motivation works differently when the challenge is the reward, and how belonging can form when people from wildly different worlds come together around a shared mission.
If you’ve ever felt powerless in the face of a massive problem — or wondered whether your skills could actually matter — this conversation offers a hopeful, grounded, and deeply human reframe.
Episode Highlights[05:40] Why humans are wired to solve problems — and how games activate that instinct
[10:55] How game design creates intrinsic motivation (and why homework can’t compete)
[16:30] The moment Gaming Cancer was born during a sleepless night at Stanford
[22:45] Citizen science explained: how everyday players can contribute to real research
[28:10] How the RNA-design game Eterna helped advance vaccine research
[35:20] Why designers and marketers are essential to scientific progress
[41:50] What happens when grief, play, and purpose exist in the same space
[49:05] Why trying something — even without guaranteed success — still matters
[55:40] What to do if you want to help but don’t know where to start
When Games Become a Way to Fight CancerJeff explains that games aren’t just distractions — they’re beautifully engineered systems that reward curiosity, persistence, and creative problem-solving.
When scientific challenges are embedded into game mechanics, players can unknowingly contribute to real discoveries simply by doing what humans do best: trying to solve the puzzle in front of them.
One powerful example comes from Eterna, a game where players helped design RNA molecules — contributions that played a role in developing coronavirus vaccines stable at room temperature. That’s not hypothetical impact. That’s real science shaped by collective effort.
From Helplessness to ActionCancer often leaves people searching for something they can do.
Fundraising. Awareness. Advocacy. Prevention.
Jeff suggests a fifth path: contribution through skill.
Artists can design.
Marketers can attract players.
Developers can build systems.
Gamers can play — and solve.
Instead of asking people to leave their talents behind, citizen-science games invite them to bring all of who they are into the fight.
Why Trying Still Matters (Even Without Guarantees)One of the most grounding truths in this conversation is simple:
You don’t need certainty to justify action.
Jeff is clear — most scientific progress is incremental. But reframing problems through games can spark new perspectives, increase scientific literacy, and sometimes unlock breakthroughs no one could have predicted.
At the very least, everyone involved learns more. And sometimes, that’s how progress begins.
Meet Our GuestJeff Yoshimi is a philosopher, cognitive scientist, and professor at the University of California, Merced. His work spans neural networks, visualization, and systems thinking. After cancer deeply impacted his family, Jeff wrote Gaming Cancer to explore how games, citizen science, and collective intelligence can accelerate research and restore a sense of agency in the face of overwhelming problems.
Meet Your HostTonya Kubo is a community strategist and marketing consultant known for building digital spaces that feel like chosen family. As host of Find Your Freaks, she brings together unconventional thinkers who know “normal” was never the point — and who believe that belonging is built through honesty and human connection.
Key Quotes“We are problem-solving creatures — games tap directly into that instinct.” — Jeff Yoshimi“You don’t have to be a scientist to contribute to science.” — Jeff Yoshimi“Even if it doesn’t lead directly to a cure, learning more is never wasted.” — Jeff Yoshimi“Belonging can happen when very different worlds collide around a shared purpose.” — Tonya Kubo
Resources & MentionsGaming Cancer — Jeff YoshimiEterna — RNA-design citizen science gameZooniverse — Citizen science platformiNaturalist — Community-powered biodiversity tracking
Support the ShowIf Find Your Freaks matters to you, consider buying us a coffee to keep the show ad-free. Every dollar supports production so more weirdos can find their people.
Find Your Freaks merchandise is available through Abilities and Attitudes.
Let’s Stay FreakyFacebook GroupLinkedInInstagramPodcast Hub
What’s NextSome freaks play for fun. Others play to change the world. In this episode, Tonya explores how belonging deepens when people are invited to matter, not just participate, and what becomes possible when effort actually changes something.
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Why looking “fine” can be the loneliest place to be.
Some of the freakiest people you’ll ever meet don’t stand out at all.
They blend in. They’re competent, reliable, polished. The ones everyone depends on.
And quietly, they’re barely holding it together.
In this solo follow-up episode, Tonya Kubo reflects on her recent conversation with Rachel Alexandria to explore the hidden cost of being the strong friend, the capable leader, the one who never seems to need help.
This episode is for the high performers who carry what Rachel calls “secret messes”—the overwhelm, anxiety, and emotional labor hidden behind competence and credibility. Tonya unpacks the difference between having it together and holding it together, why competence often becomes armor, and how looking fine can train people not to check on you.
If you’ve ever been praised for being “so put together” while quietly falling apart, this one is for you.
You’ll hear how:
Holding it together often looks exactly like having it together—until it doesn’tCompetence can become a coping mechanism, not a sign of stabilityHigh performers are often invisible inside their own excellenceHyper-responsibility is learned early and rewarded later (at a cost)The strong friend rarely asks for help—and why that’s not a character flawYou don’t have to collapse to deserve careMaking yourself easy to say no to can help others feel safe saying yesOne honest sentence can open the door to real support
Timestamp Highlights0:00 – 3:10 Holding it together vs. actually being okay3:11 – 6:45 The curse of competence and hiding in plain sight6:46 – 10:30 Why the “responsible one” rarely gets checked on10:31 – 14:50 Competence as armor, not stability14:51 – 19:20 Hyper-responsibility and growing up in emotional chaos19:21 – 23:40 Why strong friends wait for someone to notice (and why it rarely happens)23:41 – 27:30 “I need help” even when you don’t know what that help is27:31 – 32:10 Being easy to say no to as a path to real connection32:11 – 36:45 Gentle check-ins vs. pressure, pity, and forced intimacy36:46 – 41:00 You don’t have to fall apart to deserve support41:01 – 45:30 A simple practice for strong friends—and for the people who love them
Resources & MentionsEpisode 14: The Freaks Who Look Fine with Rachel AlexandriaLonely at the Top — Rachel’s podcastRachelAlexandria.com
Meet Your HostTonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point. Her favorite spaces? The ones where the freak flags fly high.
Support the ShowIf Find Your Freaks matters to you, help us keep it ad-free by buying us a coffee (or two!). Every dollar goes to production so more weirdos can find their people.
You can purchase Find Your Freaks merchandise online through Abilities and Attitudes.
Let’s Stay FreakyFacebook GroupLinkedInInstagramPodcast Hub
What’s NextTonya talks with Jeff Yoshimi, a professor at University of California, Merced whose work spans philosophy, cognitive science, and neural networks. His book, Gaming Cancer, invites us to ask what becomes possible when we stop compartmentalizing who we are and let our whole selves lead the way.
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Why high performers can be the loneliest people in the room.
Some freaks are easy to spot.
Dyed hair. Tattoos. Bold opinions. Loud joy.
And then there are the freaks who look fine.
In this episode of Find Your Freaks, Tonya Kubo sits down with former psychotherapist turned soul medic Rachel Alexandria to talk about the hidden loneliness of high performers — the people who appear successful, capable, and unshakeable… while quietly unraveling inside.
Rachel works with executives, founders, and leaders who carry immense responsibility while suppressing their own humanity. Together, Tonya and Rachel explore why competence can become a mask, how perfectionism and people-pleasing are often survival strategies, and why asking for help feels so dangerous when everyone assumes you’re “the strong one.”
If you’ve ever felt invisible because you seem too capable to worry about — or if you love someone who looks like they have it all together — this conversation will help you see what’s really going on beneath the polish.
Episode Highlights[04:15] Why high performers are often the most isolated people in the room[08:42] The difference between having it together and holding it together[13:30] How family dynamics and gaslighting disconnect us from our inner knowing[18:55] Burnout, perfectionism, and people-pleasing as survival skills[25:10] How perimenopause, ADHD, and long COVID complicate high achievement[31:40] Why leaders can’t afford to “fall apart” — and what they do instead[38:22] The hidden cost of excellence: “Other things suffered.”[45:05] Why asking for help feels so inconvenient — and so necessary[52:10] How to be a safe person for someone who looks like they don’t need help[58:30] What to do if you’re the one silently struggling
Why High Achievement Can Be So LonelyRachel explains that many high performers learned early that competence equals safety.
Being capable, polished, and self-sufficient became a way to survive — not a sign that they don’t need support.
When everyone assumes you’re fine, your pain goes unseen.
And when vulnerability feels risky, loneliness becomes the price of success.
The Cost of Excellence“There is no gaining of a high level of skill or success without loss.”
In this episode, Tonya and Rachel unpack the uncomfortable truth that achievement always comes with tradeoffs — time, relationships, rest, or health. Burnout often happens when we try to pretend those costs don’t exist.
Slowing down, grieving what’s been lost, and choosing what matters most isn’t weakness.
It’s wisdom.
Asking for Help Without Knowing What It Looks LikeOne of the most powerful moments in the conversation centers on this truth:
You don’t need to know how someone will help — only that you need help.
Rachel shares why trying to solve everything alone eventually stops working, and how naming “I don’t know what I need, but I can’t do this alone anymore” can open the door to real healing.
How to Support the People Who “Look Fine”If you’re worried about someone who always seems okay, Rachel offers simple, human ways to show up:
Initiate connection without analysisSend a “you’ve been on my mind” textOffer practical care (meals, errands, presence)Make it easy for them to say no — so yes feels safer laterCompassion doesn’t require fixing.
It requires noticing.
Meet Our GuestRachel Alexandria is a former psychotherapist turned soul medic who helps high performers clean up their “secret messes” — anxiety, perfectionism, burnout, and loneliness hidden beneath competence. She is the host of the podcast Lonely at the Top and the author of three books exploring conversation, criticism, and stress relief.
Meet Your HostTonya Kubo is a community strategist and marketing consultant known for building digital spaces that feel like chosen family. As host of Find Your Freaks, she brings together unconventional thinkers who know “normal” was never the point — and who believe that belonging is built through honesty and human connection.
Key Quotes“Some of the loneliest people are the ones everyone thinks are fine.” — Rachel Alexandria“There is no gaining success without loss. Other things always suffer.” — Rachel Alexandria“What got you here can’t get you to the next place.” — Rachel Alexandria“You don’t have to know what help looks like to ask for it.” — Rachel Alexandria
Resources & MentionsLonely at the Top — Rachel’s podcastRachelAlexandria.comJennifer Arezio — spiritual teacher and mentor mentioned in the episode
Support the ShowIf Find Your Freaks matters to you, consider buying us a coffee to keep the show ad-free. Every dollar supports production so more weirdos can find their people.
Find Your Freaks merchandise is available through Abilities and Attitudes.
Let’s Stay FreakyFacebook GroupLinkedInInstagramPodcast Hub
What’s NextSome freaks stand out. Others blend in so well they disappear. Next episode, Tonya explores what it means to be seen when your freakiness is hidden — and why looking fine doesn’t mean you don’t deserve care, community, and connection.
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Everyone is in a rush to publish, to launch, to ship – to get something, anything, out into the world as fast as possible. But what if slowing down isn’t a liability? What if it’s actually your superpower?
In this solo episode, Tonya reflects on her conversation with book coach and ghostwriter Candice L. Davis to explore why craft matters now more than ever. In a world where AI churns out endless content and “quantity over quality” has become the norm, choosing depth is its own quiet act of rebellion.
This one’s for the writers, creators, builders, and beginners. Anyone trying to make meaningful work in a frantic world.
Tonya breaks down how thoughtful craft becomes an expression of care, why community accelerates mastery, and how taking the long road can help your people feel seen, valued, and held.
You’ll hear how:
Craft is care, it’s how you show your people they matterSlowing down honors the work and the audience you’re making it forDepth beats velocity (and why rushing just adds to the noise)Community is the secret ingredient to better books, better ideas, and better outcomes“Pre-published” is still a real identity, you don’t have to wait to belongAI can speed things up, but it can’t give you context, nuance, or discernmentCreating in public helps you refine the work while finding your perfect peopleYour pace and process might be your greatest rebellion in a culture obsessed with speed
Timestamp Highlights2:38 – 5:22 The myth of the “Stephen King cabin fantasy”11:56 – 15:02 Deadlines, urgency, and the fear of “running out of time”18:21 – 21:12 A-plus vs. C-minus work: knowing what deserves your depth24:41 – 28:30 Craft as hospitality (Mary’s studio) vs. craft as language (Candice’s work)28:31 – 32:05 Owning your identity before you feel “ready”32:06 – 35:30 Why beginners need community more than information38:51 – 42:33 Creating in public without rushing the process
Resources & MentionsEpisode 12: Writing for Belonging, Not Algorithms with Candice L. DavisNothing But the Words — Candice’s podcastCandiceLDavis.comEpisode 10: Visibility Isn't Vanity with Mary Williams
Meet Your HostTonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point. Her favorite spaces? The ones where the freak flags fly high.
Support the ShowIf Find Your Freaks matters to you, help us keep it ad-free by buying us a coffee (or two!). Every dollar goes to production so more weirdos can find their people.
You can purchase Find Your Freaks merchandise online through Abilities and Attitudes.
Let’s Stay FreakyFacebook GroupLinkedInInstagramPodcast Hub
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Why thoughtful, human writing still matters in an AI-obsessed world
Most people dream of writing a book — fewer are willing to sit with the depth, discomfort, and time it truly requires. In this episode, Tonya Kubo and award-winning book coach Candice L. Davis unpack the cultural obsession with rushing: rushing to publish, rushing to create, rushing to get something “out there” before it’s ready.
Together, they explore what’s lost when we try to shortcut the writing process — context, originality, and the true human connection readers crave. Candice shares why literary excellence still matters, how AI can support (but never replace) deep thinking, and why thoughtful books can’t be manufactured on demand.
If you’ve ever felt “behind,” ashamed of your pace, or tempted to publish before you’re ready, this conversation is the permission slip you didn’t know you needed.
Episode Highlights[02:10] Why rushing books has always been a problem — long before AI
[06:25] What we lose when speed replaces substance
[10:40] Why so many “books” are really blog posts in disguise
[14:55] Where AI genuinely helps — and where it undermines authorship
[20:12] The myth of the urgent publishing deadline
[26:48] How writing communities fuel courage and creativity
[31:30] Letting go of artificial timelines so real work can begin
[44:22] How to know if your writing community is actually helping
[50:40] A message for anyone ashamed of their unfinished book
Why Slowing Down Creates Better BooksCandice explains that thoughtful writing isn’t elitist — it’s generous.
When we slow down long enough to think, question, revise, and refine, we create work that offers readers context, clarity, and true value.
Speed produces noise. Depth produces belonging.
When AI Supports — and When It DerailsAI can assist with accessibility, workflow, and structure, but it cannot replace your ideas.
Using AI to think for you leads to derivative, recycled copy.
Using AI to support your thinking leads to clarity.
The difference is integrity.
How Community Ignites CreativityWriting isn’t meant to be solitary.
Candice and Tonya discuss how co-writing, workshops, and writing circles keep writers grounded, encouraged, and accountable — something no algorithm can provide.
Meet Our GuestCandice L. Davis is an award-winning writer and book coach who helps experts move past surface-level content to uncover their deepest, most meaningful ideas. Through private coaching, writer cohorts, and her podcast Nothing But the Words, she guides authors toward creating books with clarity, craft, and lasting impact.
Meet Your HostTonya Kubo is a community strategist and marketing consultant known for building digital spaces that feel like chosen family. As host of Find Your Freaks, she brings together unconventional thinkers who know “normal” was never the point — and who believe that belonging is built through honesty and human connection.
Key Quotes“Some ideas are bigger than a blog post. That’s why we have books.” — Candice L. Davis“If AI is doing the thinking for you, it’s pulling from other people’s ideas.” — Candice L. Davis“Your depth is your power. And you have more time than you think.” — Tonya Kubo“Once your book is out there, it represents you forever.” — Candice L. Davis
Resources & MentionsNothing But the Words — Candice’s podcastCandiceLDavis.com
Support the ShowIf Find Your Freaks matters to you, consider buying us a coffee to keep the show ad-free. Every dollar supports production so more weirdos can find their people.
Find Your Freaks merchandise is available through Abilities and Attitudes.
Let’s Stay FreakyFacebook GroupLinkedInInstagramPodcast Hub
What’s NextEveryone’s in a rush to publish, launch, and “ship it,” but rushing doesn’t create belonging — it creates noise. Next episode, Tonya explores why slowing down isn't a weakness. It’s craft. And craft is care.
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Why showing up isn’t about ego, it's about belonging.
You might think being visible means being vain — that wanting to be seen, heard, or recognized is somehow selfish. But what if visibility isn’t about attention at all? What if it’s the key to helping your people find you?
In this solo episode, Tonya reflects on her conversation with her biz bestie and creative collaborator Mary Williams of Sensible Woo (010 - Visibility Isn’t Vanity) to explore what visibility, craft, and focus really mean in a noisy world.
This one’s for the creators, community builders, and quiet leaders who want to show up with heart — not hustle.
You’ll hear how:
Visibility connects us to belonging (and why it’s not the same as fame)Craft isn’t about polish. It’s about care and respectFocus will always beat frenzy in a distracted, omni-channel worldAuthentic consistency builds more trust than constant postingYou can’t foster community if you’re hiding from it
Timestamp Highlights0:00 – 2:30 What “visibility” actually means (and why it’s not vanity)7:07 – 9:30 The difference between wanting to be seen and wanting fame9:31 – 14:13 Craft as community care. How intention shows respect14:14 – 16:32 Why people leave communities when they don’t feel valued16:33 – 21:12 Focus over frenzy — you don’t need to be everywhere to make an impact21:13 – 23:35 Social media myths and the truth about “omni-channel” burnout23:36 – 28:26 Showing up with depth and consistency = belonging28:27 – 30:00 Final takeaway: your freaks can’t find you if you’re hiding
Resources & MentionsEpisode 10: Visibility Isn’t Vanity with Mary WilliamsSensibleWoo.comSasquatch Media Grounds — Mary’s full-service production studioSchool of Moxie PodcastMary on InstagramMary on LinkedIn
Meet Your HostTonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point. Her favorite spaces? The ones where the freak flags fly high.
Support the ShowIf Find Your Freaks matters to you, help us keep it ad-free by buying us a coffee (or two!). Every dollar goes to production so more weirdos can find their people.
You can purchase Find Your Freaks merchandise online through Abilities and Attitudes.
Let’s Stay FreakyFacebook GroupLinkedInInstagramPodcast Hub
What’s NextTonya and book coach Candice L. Davis, host of Nothing but the Words, explore how writing communities make better books — and better humans.
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Most of us want to be noticed. Fewer of us are willing to admit it. In this candid conversation, Tonya Kubo and content strategist Mary Williams dismantle the shame surrounding visibility and ambition in the online business world. Together, they explore what it really takes to be seen for the right reasons and why “wanting to be famous” doesn’t make you fake.
Mary argues that craftsmanship, consistency, and a willingness to show up before anyone’s watching are what separate performative influencers from true professionals. From burnout-era marketing myths to the power of in-person community, this episode pulls no punches about what visibility costs — and what it’s worth when you claim it on your own terms.
Episode Highlights[03:55] Why so many entrepreneurs secretly want fame but won’t admit it
[09:55] Why you should think like you’re going to be famous (even if you’re not)
[11:32] Craftsmanship as the real key to sustainable visibility
[19:18] Showing up at “eleventy billion percent” when nobody’s watching
[23:13] Finding your freaks in person — and why it matters
[29:00] The mechanics of genuine human connection
[40:37] How acting classes can make you a better marketer
Say the Quiet Thing Out LoudWhen Mary Williams says, “Just admit you want to be famous,” she’s not talking about vanity. She’s talking about honesty.
At a time when performance seems rewarded over depth, she challenges entrepreneurs to own their ambitions without shame. Because wanting to be seen doesn’t make you shallow. It makes you human.
Craft Over CloutMary reminds us that visibility built on imitation crumbles fast. Craftsmanship — the art of making something meaningful even when no one’s watching — is the foundation of lasting recognition. Fame fades. Skill doesn’t.
Human First, Marketer SecondFrom Portland’s Feral Book Club to the PechaKucha-inspired community she co-hosts, Mary shows how in-person connection reignites creativity and keeps our online personas grounded in real humanity. Her mantra? “If you don’t human enough in the real world, it shows.”
Meet Our GuestMary Williams is the founder of Sensible Woo and owner of Sasquatch Media Grounds, a full-service production studio in Vancouver, Washington. A former Hollywood professional turned systems coach, she blends storytelling, structure, and soul to help solopreneurs make media that matters. Mary is also the host of the School of Moxie podcast and a leader in several creative Portland communities, including Feral Book Club and Hustle Hard, Slide Faster.
Meet Your HostTonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point. Her favorite spaces? The ones where the freak flags fly high.
Key Quotes“Say the quiet thing out loud — you want to be famous. And that’s okay.” — Mary Williams“Visibility isn’t vanity. It’s the courage to be seen for who you actually are.” — Tonya Kubo“If you don’t human enough in the real world, it shows.” — Mary Williams“Fame fades. Craftsmanship lasts.” — Mary Williams
Resources & MentionsSensibleWoo.comSasquatch Media Grounds — Mary’s full-service production studioSchool of Moxie PodcastMary on InstagramMary on LinkedIn
Support the ShowIf Find Your Freaks matters to you, help us keep it ad-free by buying us a coffee (or two!). Every dollar goes to production so more weirdos can find their people.
You can purchase Find Your Freaks merchandise online through Abilities and Attitudes.
Let’s Stay FreakyFacebook GroupLinkedInInstagramPodcast Hub
What’s NextMary’s episode asks us to confront the real motives behind our desire to be seen. In the next episode, Tonya unpacks why craftsmanship and connection—not perfection—are the only sustainable routes to authentic visibility in a fame-driven world.
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Why our differences matter less than we think — and curiosity might be the cure.
You can look at someone’s family, politics, or religion and think it’s nothing like yours. But underneath, most of us are fighting for the same things: safety, belonging, and a shot at raising the next generation, or at least leaving the world a little better than we found it.
In solo episode, Tonya unpacks her conversation with parenting coach Jen Gerardy (Episode 8: Becoming Who You Were Waiting For) to explore how labels, scripts, and moral judgments keep us divided when shared humanity could bring us together. This one’s for anyone who’s ever wondered if belonging is possible across differences. Spoiler: it is, if you lead with curiosity instead of judgment.
You’ll hear how:
Parenting “off script” can teach us to question inherited beliefsCuriosity opens doors that judgment shutsShared goals connect families with very different valuesChosen family models belonging in actionMost of us are fighting the same fight, just from different angles
Timestamp Highlights0:48 – 2:23 The surface differences that distract us from shared humanity6:23 – 9:13 Parenting “off script” and redefining what works for your family9:14 – 11:12 Political, faith, and cultural scripts we inherit — and how to rewrite them (if you want to)11:13 – 13:57 Chosen family as a model of community care15:42 – 20:50 Labels, dehumanization, and curiosity as a leadership skill20:51 – 23:28 Compassion across difference: seeing the same fight in others29:03 – 31:42 The heart of it all: different families, same fight
Resources & MentionsEpisode 8: Becoming Who You Were Waiting For with Jen GerardyEpisode 5: Whose Suffering Counts?MomCo (formerly MOPS) – a ministry supporting mothers of young children
Meet Your HostTonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point. Her favorite spaces? The ones where the freak flags fly high.
Support the ShowIf Find Your Freaks matters to you, help us keep it ad-free by buying us a coffee (or two!). Every dollar goes to production so more weirdos can find their people.
You can purchase Find Your Freaks merchandise online through Abilities and Attitudes.
Let’s Stay FreakyFacebook GroupLinkedInInstagramPodcast Hub
What’s NextTonya and her biz bestie, Mary Williams of Sasquatch Media Grounds, discuss the quest for fame among creators and how it might not be such a bad thing.
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What happens when your family doesn’t fit the template; and you stop trying to force it? In this candid conversation, holistic family consultant Jen Gerardy joins Tonya to talk about parenting as a queer, non-monogamous, neurodivergent-embracing human — and why the goal isn’t to “fix” yourself or your kids, but to design relationships that work for the people who live inside them. We unpack best practices for talking to kids about adult relationships, the difference between cheating and ethical non-monogamy, and the relief that comes when you refuse to pathologize who you are. If you’ve ever felt like you had to hide parts of yourself to be welcomed in a parenting space, this one’s a deep breath.
Episode Highlights[00:00] “Who are your freaks?” — Jen’s people and why questioning norms can make you a better parent[07:08] Judgment, protection, and why compassion (even for the judgy folks) matters[11:16] Coming out to yourself as non-monogamous while parenting: what changed (and what didn’t)[17:06] Best practices 101: secrets vs. surprises, introducing partners, and centering child wellbeing[25:28] Rethinking “the village”: expanding who cares for a child beyond narrow roles[29:13] Stop pathologizing people: challenges ≠ you being the problem[31:29] The line to remember: “If the world isn’t set up for you, you’ll face more challenges — and you’re still not the problem”
Leading with Curiosity (Not Compliance)Ditch the scripts. Much of our parenting comes from inherited rules that don’t fit our families. Jen invites us to swap “what should I do?” for “what helps everyone thrive here?” That shift — from compliance to curiosity — changes everything.Secrets are never child-sized. If your structure asks a child to keep a secret about an adult relationship, that’s a red flag. Jen’s rule: surprises are fine; secrets aren’t developmentally appropriate.Design for real people. Whether you’re monogamous or not, widen your idea of “the village.” Ask: which trusted adults help this child feel loved, safe, and supported — and how can we make that care intentional?
Building Belonging for Poly Parents (Why It’s Different and Needed)Ethically non-monogamous (ENM) or polyamorous parents often have to censor core parts of their identity to access mainstream parenting spaces. Jen’s community flips that: no pathologizing, no moral litmus tests. Just child-centered, consent-based support.
Psychological safety first. Clear norms (curiosity over judgment, “secrets vs. surprises,” no advice-dumping) create room to be fully seen without bracing for backlash.Privacy without hiding. Parents can be out about structure inside the group while choosing their comfort level outside it. No asking kids to carry adult secrets.Designed for real life. Twice-monthly Zooms welcome “life-in-progress” (headphones while making dinner, cameras off, kids nearby) so participation is actually doable.Best-practice scaffolding. Gentle guidance on introducing partners, language for kids, and school/admin logistics centers child wellbeing and consent.Expanded village. The community normalizes broader caregiving constellations (aunts, partners, close friends) and helps families design intentional roles and boundaries.The result: fewer shame spirals, more resourced parents, and kids who grow up with clear language, consistent care, and a community that fits the family they actually have.
Meet Our GuestJen Gerardy is a holistic family consultant who helps queer, non-monogamous, and neurodiverse families build joyful, connected relationships without shame and without erasing any part of who they are. She leads an online community for ENM/poly parents, offers coaching and workshops, and creates practical resources that center compassion, consent, and child wellbeing.
Meet Your HostTonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point. Her favorite spaces? The ones where the freak flags fly high.
Key Quotes“If the world isn’t set up for you, you’ll face more challenges—and it’s not because you’re the problem.” — Jen Gerardy“Cheating and ethical non-monogamy are not the same thing. Consent is the difference.” — Jen Gerardy“Secrets aren’t developmentally appropriate for children. Surprises are fine. Secrets are not.” — Jen Gerardy“Design the family you have. Not the one a book imagined.” — Tonya Kubo
Links & MentionsJen Gerardy — Holistic Family Consultant (coaching, groups, resources)Free Workbook: Getting Your Needs Met (mentioned at ~43:16)Humane Marketing by Sarah Santacroce — a kinder way to do business (Jen’s shout-out)Polyamory Parenting 101 — YouTube video series with Jen and psychologist Dr. David PasCale HagueIf any link is missing, ping us and we’ll connect you directly with Jen.
Let’s Stay Freaky👥 Facebook Group: https://tonya.link/group
💼 LinkedIn: https://linkedin.com/in/tonyakubo
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tonyakubo/
🌐 Website: https://findyourfreaks.com
Support the ShowIf Find Your Freaks matters to you, help us keep it ad-free by buying us a coffee (or two!). Every dollar goes to production so more weirdos can find their people.
You can purchase Find Your Freaks merchandise online through Abilities and Attitudes.
What’s NextJoin Tonya next time to unpack how to apply this episode to your own life and the spaces you lead.
- Visa fler
