Avsnitt
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Fourteen months after the divorce, Mark is enjoying time with his new girlfriend and learning what it's like to be in a healthy relationship. While Mark and his girlfriend are getting ready for their kids to meet, Mark is working through his relational insecurities. Mark reflects on how his experience as a child to parents who argued often shaped his sense of being responsible for other people's happiness, and contributes to his worrying that his girlfriend is quietly upset or displeased with him. We talk about how to communicate and synchronize with a new romantic partner about goals, meaning-making and disagreements.
On a separate front, Mark's ex informed him that she will be moving to a different town that is about 20 minutes away by car. We talk about the implications of living in different towns for the kids, as well as for Mark.
Topics include:
• When kids and romantic partners meet
• Navigating insecurities in romantic relationships
• Communicating/coordinating/synchronizing expectations and behaviors with a romantic partner
• Is it okay to make mistakes in a romantic relationship? (hint: yes, good relationships allow the grace of recovering from mistakes, together)
• The importance of sharing the burden of leadership in a relationship in a way that works for both people
• How to figure out what you want in a romantic relationship, and how to communicate about it with the romantic partner
• Deciding when and how to progress with physical intimacy in a new relationship
• When the ex announces she is about to move away
• Real challenges, false challenges and advantages of living farther away as co-parentsUse This Link to Send Us Quick Feedback
Join our mailing list for articles, videos, and notifications about additional resources. To talk about your experience with Dr. Magen and be on this podcast, email [email protected]. For more support resources for divorcing dads, visit https://DivorcingDads.org. To learn more about Dr. Magen's parenting work, visit https://ParentingForHumans.com. If you are feeling unsafe, hopeless or suicidal, please call 988 for free and confidential counseling, 24/7/365. To find the number if you are outside the US, visit https://brenebrown.com/international-crisis-resources or https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp. -
More than 13 months after the divorce, Mark is excited about a woman he started dating, who shocked and delighted him by bringing him flowers on Father's Day. We talk about how Mark introduced his new relationship to his kids, and how he experienced their response to the news.
Mark continues to process his reactions to his ex, and is moving toward considering her more as unaware and unempathetic than as intentionally malicious.The book Forgive for Good (by Frederic Luskin) has been helpful for Mark as he seeks a sense of internal closure regarding his ex.
This is our first conversation we recorded since the first episode of the podcast came out, which offered an opportunity for interesting meta-conversations about our conversations.
Topics include:
• The shock of realizing a romantic partner can take care of us, rather than only us taking care of the partner
• How knowing our kids miss us when they're away can be a source of mixed emotions for us
• Considering the possibility that the ex's hurtful behavior stems from lack of awareness, rather than out of malicious intent
• How expecting a consistently inconsiderate ex to behave considerately is a way we set ourselves up for disappointment
• The benefit of telling kids, clearly and explicitly, about starting a new romantic relationshipUse This Link to Send Us Quick Feedback
Join our mailing list for articles, videos, and notifications about additional resources. To talk about your experience with Dr. Magen and be on this podcast, email [email protected]. For more support resources for divorcing dads, visit https://DivorcingDads.org. To learn more about Dr. Magen's parenting work, visit https://ParentingForHumans.com. If you are feeling unsafe, hopeless or suicidal, please call 988 for free and confidential counseling, 24/7/365. To find the number if you are outside the US, visit https://brenebrown.com/international-crisis-resources or https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp. -
Saknas det avsnitt?
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Nearly a year after the divorce, Mark is planning a 2-week trip with his kids, and enjoying his ability to share more of his culture of origin with his kids than when he was married.
Mark continues to explore dating, and finds that his anxiety around dating diminishes as his goal shifts from wanting to be liked to checking if the connection feels like a good match.
While much of Mark's life feels good, Mark is becoming increasingly aware the anger he feels toward his ex and her affair partner. We discuss Mark's conviction that, in order to protect his kids, it's important for him to avoid feeling to too negatively about their mother. We also consider different ways Mark can reduce the intense reactivity he feels when he comes into contact with his ex's partner.
Topics include:
• The benefit of expressing preference for boundaries with ex, even if the ex does not respond or honor it
• Thinking of dating as an opportunity to check for mutual match, rather than as an opportunity to be liked or to impress someone
• The challenge of being a people-pleaser when dating, both with respect to wanting to be liked and with respect to deciding not to go on another date
• Do I need to have clear goals when dating?
• Talking with the kids when they're with the ex: Scheduled? Ad-hoc? How long should calls be?
--> • Kids getting more of the parent's culture after the divorce
• What is an appropriate level of contact and reactivity with the ex's affair partner?
• How to become less reactive to the ex and her affair partner? (minimizing exposure, reducing reaction, speeding up recovery)
* The benefits of making new friends after the divorce, people who don't know the ex
* Wanting to give grace to the ex because she is the kids' mother
* Shifting anger from the ex to her partner
* The natural--and dangerous--impulse to treat the kids as little judges, so they know we are Right and the ex is Wrong
* Creating space to feel and process the full spectrum of emotions toward the exUse This Link to Send Us Quick Feedback
Join our mailing list for articles, videos, and notifications about additional resources. To talk about your experience with Dr. Magen and be on this podcast, email [email protected]. For more support resources for divorcing dads, visit https://DivorcingDads.org. To learn more about Dr. Magen's parenting work, visit https://ParentingForHumans.com. If you are feeling unsafe, hopeless or suicidal, please call 988 for free and confidential counseling, 24/7/365. To find the number if you are outside the US, visit https://brenebrown.com/international-crisis-resources or https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp. -
Eleven and a half months after the divorce, Mark finds himself repeatedly rattled by unexpected close encounters with his ex' affair partner, and he is processing the anger and hurt that he feels toward his ex and her partner. We discuss ways for Mark to set clear boundaries with his ex in order to make sure these encounters don't take him by surprise. We also talk about ways to handle those times when his ex ignores his requests, including how to communicate about those times with his ex, and how to manage his own internal reactions.
Topics include:
• Being triggered by meeting the ex's (affair) partner
• Organizing and hosting birthday parties for the kids with the the ex
• Feeling excluded from shared events because of wanting to avoid the ex's presence
• The advantages and disadvantages of disclosing discomfort to the ex with her behavior
• The persistent hope that the ex will wake up to recognize her hurtful behaviors
• Reducing impact of negative triggers through (1) reducing contact, (2) Reducing reactivity, and (3) speeding recovery
• Considerations for and against informing the ex's family about the ex's hurtful behavior
• The danger of hoping the ex will start behaving differently, and the benefit of letting go of this hope
• Remembering the parts of the co-parenting relationships that are working, even when some parts are not working in very irritating waysUse This Link to Send Us Quick Feedback
Join our mailing list for articles, videos, and notifications about additional resources. To talk about your experience with Dr. Magen and be on this podcast, email [email protected]. For more support resources for divorcing dads, visit https://DivorcingDads.org. To learn more about Dr. Magen's parenting work, visit https://ParentingForHumans.com. If you are feeling unsafe, hopeless or suicidal, please call 988 for free and confidential counseling, 24/7/365. To find the number if you are outside the US, visit https://brenebrown.com/international-crisis-resources or https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp. -
Eleven months after the divorce, Mark and his ex switched to the new 2-2-5 parenting schedule, and Mark is still figuring out how well the new schedule is working for him and the kids. Mark also realized that the pet birds he was stuck with and is caring for are a vestige of taking care of his ex, which is not something he wants to keep doing. Mark is grateful that his kids are doing so well, and reflects on the incredible hidden blessings that resulted from his divorce. We also talk about our reasons for making these conversations available as a podcast, and our hopes for its impact.
Topics include:
• Adjusting to a new 2-2-5 parenting schedule
• Buying ourselves gifts
• Getting stuck with unwanted pets post-divorce
• Accepting times when kids miss the ex
• How recovering from the divorce is not the same as recovering from the marriage
• The benefit of reaching out for support throughout the post-divorce periodUse This Link to Send Us Quick Feedback
Join our mailing list for articles, videos, and notifications about additional resources. To talk about your experience with Dr. Magen and be on this podcast, email [email protected]. For more support resources for divorcing dads, visit https://DivorcingDads.org. To learn more about Dr. Magen's parenting work, visit https://ParentingForHumans.com. If you are feeling unsafe, hopeless or suicidal, please call 988 for free and confidential counseling, 24/7/365. To find the number if you are outside the US, visit https://brenebrown.com/international-crisis-resources or https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp. -
Ten and a half months after the divorce, Mark is planning his new weekly routine as his family starts the new 2-2-5 parenting schedule, and we discuss ways to make the parenting schedule smoother. Mark continues to enjoy being able to parent his way as a single parent, as reflected by a fun trip he took his kids on. On the dating front, Mark is exhausted by having to care about and communicate with people that he doesn't feel a strong interest in, which leads him to reflect on whether or not this is the right right time for him to be dating.
Topics include:
• Taking a solo trip with the kids for the first time.
• The shining benefit of being a single parent: Not needing to take the partner's preferences into considerations when planning activities
• The benefit of having kids transition between parents through school, rather than from one parent to the other.
• In dating, what are the signs that there is (not) chemistry when meeting someone new?
• Does dating someone necessarily mean having to invest a lot of emotional energy in the dating partners?Use This Link to Send Us Quick Feedback
Join our mailing list for articles, videos, and notifications about additional resources. To talk about your experience with Dr. Magen and be on this podcast, email [email protected]. For more support resources for divorcing dads, visit https://DivorcingDads.org. To learn more about Dr. Magen's parenting work, visit https://ParentingForHumans.com. If you are feeling unsafe, hopeless or suicidal, please call 988 for free and confidential counseling, 24/7/365. To find the number if you are outside the US, visit https://brenebrown.com/international-crisis-resources or https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp. -
Ten months after the divorce, Mark's interest in dating is waning, and he is wondering if reason is that he isn't interested in the specific women he met, or if he simply doesn't have the energy to be in a romantic relationship. Mark is also preparing for a change in the parenting schedule, from alternating weeks to a 2-2-5 schedule. We discuss the implications of the different schedules for Mark's time with his kids, and on his own.
Topics include:
• When to take a break from dating
• Preparing for a new parenting schedule, from alternating weeks to a 2-2-5 schedule
• The social impact of divorce on mutual friends and relationships with those friends
• The potential benefit to the kids of having mutual friends who choose to stay connected mostly with he exUse This Link to Send Us Quick Feedback
Join our mailing list for articles, videos, and notifications about additional resources. To talk about your experience with Dr. Magen and be on this podcast, email [email protected]. For more support resources for divorcing dads, visit https://DivorcingDads.org. To learn more about Dr. Magen's parenting work, visit https://ParentingForHumans.com. If you are feeling unsafe, hopeless or suicidal, please call 988 for free and confidential counseling, 24/7/365. To find the number if you are outside the US, visit https://brenebrown.com/international-crisis-resources or https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp. -
Nine and a half months after the divorce, Mark accidentally ran into his ex's partner (who was also the ex's affair partner), and was surprised at the intensity of his reaction. We talk about the process of becoming less reactive to past trauma, and about how to manage intense emotional reactions to the ex and her partner. Mark is also wondering how to support his kids about concerns they express regarding their mom's partner. On other fronts, Mark is figuring out his dating ethics and specifically how he feels about dating multiple people at the same time, and wondering if a new relationship could take away from his connection with his kids. We also talk about what to do when feeling sad immediately after the kids leave, and whether or not it's okay to try to feel better, rather than embrace feeling sad about not being with the ones we love.
Topics include:
• How long does it take to stop being triggered by the ex and reminders of the divorce?
• Running into the ex's current partner, who is also the ex's affair partner
• To disclose discomfort or to not disclose discomfort to the ex?
• The benefit of immediately connecting with a friend when becoming suddenly upset
• Measuring "emotional progress" by looking at the time to recover from emotional shocks (and not just by initial intensity of upset)
• How to support kids about concerns they express about the ex's partner
• The ethics of going on multiple dates on the same week
• Dealing with the sadness that sets in after parting with the kids
• It's okay to not experience pain when we're away from people we love; it does not mean we love them any less
• And... Mark's top tip for taking kids to Disney theme parksUse This Link to Send Us Quick Feedback
Join our mailing list for articles, videos, and notifications about additional resources. To talk about your experience with Dr. Magen and be on this podcast, email [email protected]. For more support resources for divorcing dads, visit https://DivorcingDads.org. To learn more about Dr. Magen's parenting work, visit https://ParentingForHumans.com. If you are feeling unsafe, hopeless or suicidal, please call 988 for free and confidential counseling, 24/7/365. To find the number if you are outside the US, visit https://brenebrown.com/international-crisis-resources or https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp. -
Nearly nine months into the divorce, Mark is hitting his stride with incorporating fun activities into his life, both with the kids and without them. The kids are saying they're getting used to the divorce and to missing the other parent, and they seem less upset about it - but Mark is concerned that one of his kids looks a little *too* well, and may be suppressing or hiding his upset. On the dating front, Mark realized that he is afraid of entering a romantic relationship because of the vulnerable position this puts him in, given how painful the end of his previous (and only) relationship had been for him.
Use This Link to Send Us Quick Feedback
Join our mailing list for articles, videos, and notifications about additional resources. To talk about your experience with Dr. Magen and be on this podcast, email [email protected]. For more support resources for divorcing dads, visit https://DivorcingDads.org. To learn more about Dr. Magen's parenting work, visit https://ParentingForHumans.com. If you are feeling unsafe, hopeless or suicidal, please call 988 for free and confidential counseling, 24/7/365. To find the number if you are outside the US, visit https://brenebrown.com/international-crisis-resources or https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp. -
Eight months into the divorce, Mark continues to be surprised by ways his ex makes him uncomfortable, but recognizes that co-parenting is becoming smooth overall, and could be much worse. In our recent conversations, Mark and I discussed alternatives to the parenting schedule Mark and his ex agreed to, which is a "week on, week off" schedule, that does not allow Mark to establish a weekly routine. In this conversation, Mark shares the agreement he reached with his ex to try a different kind of parenting schedule, called a 2-2-5 schedule, which is common in many shared custody co-parenting families. In addition, we discuss the urge to manage what the other parent does with the kids, and what sort of requests and conditions feel reasonable.
Topics include:
• Feeling that the ex is claiming to have a better connection with the kids
• When the ex opens the door with no pants
• How much can we dictate what the ex does with the kids, and who the kids spend time with? (hint: not much)
• Considering playdates as brief childcare
• Realizing the things that are going well in co-parenting
• Preparing to try out a 2-2-5 parenting schedule
• Planning a spring break with the kidsUse This Link to Send Us Quick Feedback
Join our mailing list for articles, videos, and notifications about additional resources. To talk about your experience with Dr. Magen and be on this podcast, email [email protected]. For more support resources for divorcing dads, visit https://DivorcingDads.org. To learn more about Dr. Magen's parenting work, visit https://ParentingForHumans.com. If you are feeling unsafe, hopeless or suicidal, please call 988 for free and confidential counseling, 24/7/365. To find the number if you are outside the US, visit https://brenebrown.com/international-crisis-resources or https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp. -
Seven and a half months into the divorce, Mark continues to reconnect with things that give him joy, and starting to navigate dating as a single dad. We discuss how to make sure the kids are okay as their dad starts to date, how to feel more relaxed and at ease before and during dates, and the recurring theme of setting effective boundaries with the ex.
Topics include:
• Going on the first couple of dates
• How to feel more relaxed and at ease before and during date by focusing on "match" rather than on "being liked"
• Getting back to doing things you love
• Talking with the kids about dating
• Being mindful of not burdening our kids with our negative emotions
• The benefit of scheduling enjoyable activities for immediately after the kids leave
• The importance of diversifying our sources of joy
• Coordinating vacations plans with the ex
• Dealing with missing a kids' birthdays when they're with the ex
• Getting feedback from trusted caring people before sending a critical message to the exUse This Link to Send Us Quick Feedback
Join our mailing list for articles, videos, and notifications about additional resources. To talk about your experience with Dr. Magen and be on this podcast, email [email protected]. For more support resources for divorcing dads, visit https://DivorcingDads.org. To learn more about Dr. Magen's parenting work, visit https://ParentingForHumans.com. If you are feeling unsafe, hopeless or suicidal, please call 988 for free and confidential counseling, 24/7/365. To find the number if you are outside the US, visit https://brenebrown.com/international-crisis-resources or https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp. -
Six months into the divorce, Mark is feeling more emotionally even-keeled and less triggered by his ex. He is learning to enjoy his time away from the kids, and more clearly appreciating not having to take care of the needs of another adult. Mark reflects on the challenges of the early stages of divorce and the strategies that helped him get through it.
Topics include:
• Holiday schedule with the kids
• Doing things with the kids that you couldn't do while married to an ex who likes different things
• How to decide if you are ready to date
• Processing and accepting the shared responsibility for the end of the marriage
• In hindsight: What made mediation so hard
• When things are hard, focus on doing the next necessary thing, without trying to think too far ahead ("putting one foot in front of the other")
• The danger of avoiding conflict and arguments, in marriage and in mediation
• Realizing the ex is a different person than the person you loved in the past
• When and how to talk with kids about their time with the ex
• Supporting kids when they're sad about transitioning away from the exUse This Link to Send Us Quick Feedback
Join our mailing list for articles, videos, and notifications about additional resources. To talk about your experience with Dr. Magen and be on this podcast, email [email protected]. For more support resources for divorcing dads, visit https://DivorcingDads.org. To learn more about Dr. Magen's parenting work, visit https://ParentingForHumans.com. If you are feeling unsafe, hopeless or suicidal, please call 988 for free and confidential counseling, 24/7/365. To find the number if you are outside the US, visit https://brenebrown.com/international-crisis-resources or https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp. -
Five and a half months into the divorce, Mark is appreciating his "new normal" and reaping the benefits of having figured out a systematic way for telling friends that he got divorced. We talk about dating as a divorced dad: How to know when you're ready to date, how to date in a way that is mindful of the kids, and where to meet people.
Topics include:
• Updating friends and family about the divorce with a "standard email"
• Feeling okay when the kids are away
• When is it time to start dating?
• Worrying the kids will be upset about the start of dating
• Dating in a way that fits into your life as a divorced dad
• Where and how to meet potential people to date
• Self-care: The importance of seeking therapy, exercising, and connecting with caring friends and familyUse This Link to Send Us Quick Feedback
Join our mailing list for articles, videos, and notifications about additional resources. To talk about your experience with Dr. Magen and be on this podcast, email [email protected]. For more support resources for divorcing dads, visit https://DivorcingDads.org. To learn more about Dr. Magen's parenting work, visit https://ParentingForHumans.com. If you are feeling unsafe, hopeless or suicidal, please call 988 for free and confidential counseling, 24/7/365. To find the number if you are outside the US, visit https://brenebrown.com/international-crisis-resources or https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp. -
Five months into the divorce, Mark is enjoying his time with his kids, but struggles with supporting his kids when they complain about not having enough quality time with their mom. We discuss the pros and cons of making changes to the parenting schedule that will give kids more frequent contact with both parents, and think about ways to communicate productively with the other parent about concerns that the kids are raising about their time with the other parent.
Topics include:
• Supporting kids when they miss the other parent
• When your ex isn't spending enough quality time with your kids
• Handling disagreements with the ex when the kids are present
• Parenting schedule: How often should kids see each of the parents?
• Communicating with the ex about complaints that kids express about their time with the exUse This Link to Send Us Quick Feedback
Join our mailing list for articles, videos, and notifications about additional resources. To talk about your experience with Dr. Magen and be on this podcast, email [email protected]. For more support resources for divorcing dads, visit https://DivorcingDads.org. To learn more about Dr. Magen's parenting work, visit https://ParentingForHumans.com. If you are feeling unsafe, hopeless or suicidal, please call 988 for free and confidential counseling, 24/7/365. To find the number if you are outside the US, visit https://brenebrown.com/international-crisis-resources or https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp. -
Four and a half months into the divorce, Mark and his ex have a stable parenting schedule, which seems to be mostly working. But behind the scenes, Mark is upset about his ex repeatedly violating boundaries that seem obvious to him, including entering his home without his permission. Our conversation also touches on how to continue co-parenting effectively even when upset with the ex and what to tell the kids when they ask if you still love their mom.
Topics include:
• Accepting the legitimacy of feeling uncomfortable about interacting with the ex
• When the ex wants ad-hoc visits with the kids
• The ex entering into the home without permission to see the kids
• Is my ex intentionally trying to make me upset?
• Co-parenting and coordinating about kids even when upset with the ex
• Setting clear boundaries and expectations with the ex by explaining things that seem obvious but maybe aren't
• Separating emotionally from your ex
• When your kid asks you if you love your ex
• Getting comfortable talking about the divorce with friends
• Self Care and routines with and without the kidsUse This Link to Send Us Quick Feedback
Join our mailing list for articles, videos, and notifications about additional resources. To talk about your experience with Dr. Magen and be on this podcast, email [email protected]. For more support resources for divorcing dads, visit https://DivorcingDads.org. To learn more about Dr. Magen's parenting work, visit https://ParentingForHumans.com. If you are feeling unsafe, hopeless or suicidal, please call 988 for free and confidential counseling, 24/7/365. To find the number if you are outside the US, visit https://brenebrown.com/international-crisis-resources or https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp. -
Four months after the divorce, Mark discusses rebuilding his identity, working through his emotions regarding his kids and his ex, and practical self care.
Topics include:
• The surprising benefit of traveling and of not having "being divorced" as one's primary identity
• How to share news of the divorce with friends and family, and the support it brings
• The joy of feeling seen and appreciated by our kids
--- The video Mark is referring to: What if My Ex Says Bad Things About Me to My Kids?
• How the kids are doing, 4 months after the physical separation
• Parenting schedules - how long should kids go without seeing the other parent?
• Responding to kids when they miss the other parent
• Managing the discomfort of real-time conversations with the ex, and considering the benefits of a-synchronous communication like texting or email
• Kids may spend less time thinking about the divorce than the parents
• Working through guilt and shame over the failed relationship
• Learning to enjoy time without the kids
• The fear and guilt of not being with kids for important events that happen when they're with the other parent
• Thinking about starting to dateUse This Link to Send Us Quick Feedback
Join our mailing list for articles, videos, and notifications about additional resources. To talk about your experience with Dr. Magen and be on this podcast, email [email protected]. For more support resources for divorcing dads, visit https://DivorcingDads.org. To learn more about Dr. Magen's parenting work, visit https://ParentingForHumans.com. If you are feeling unsafe, hopeless or suicidal, please call 988 for free and confidential counseling, 24/7/365. To find the number if you are outside the US, visit https://brenebrown.com/international-crisis-resources or https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp. -
Six months into his divorce from his wife of 13 years and with two young kids, Mark reflects on what he learned, and what he wished he knew earlier.
Mark also shares some practical advice about:
• Navigating the first weeks and months of a divorce
• Enjoying time with the kids
• Enjoying time without the kids
• Learning how to share the news with friends
• Setting boundaries with his ex, including physical boundaries with the ex
• The benefits of travel
• Getting through the bad daysUse This Link to Send Us Quick Feedback
Join our mailing list for articles, videos, and notifications about additional resources. To talk about your experience with Dr. Magen and be on this podcast, email [email protected]. For more support resources for divorcing dads, visit https://DivorcingDads.org. To learn more about Dr. Magen's parenting work, visit https://ParentingForHumans.com. If you are feeling unsafe, hopeless or suicidal, please call 988 for free and confidential counseling, 24/7/365. To find the number if you are outside the US, visit https://brenebrown.com/international-crisis-resources or https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp.
