Avsnitt
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"Is this in my head, or is this real?"
Millions of women ask themselves this question -- about their sleep, their mood, their body suddenly working differently than it used to. They can't tell if they can't sleep as well as they used to because they've got two young children ... or whether it's perimenopause.
If you want to be an awesome partner (either now or in the future), listen on! This is the hormonal literacy class you never got that could help with everything.
Here I sit down with Morgan Miller, midwife and co-author of The Cycle Book (with her best friend, sex therapist Laura Federico), to decode what's actually happening in a woman's body as she's in different phases.
We go deep on perimenopause: sleep disruption, night sweats, heart palpitations, ER scares no one warns you about; the anxiety and PMDD that can be a hormonal sensitivity, not an imbalance. There's also the easy, often-missed fix for vaginal dryness, recurrent UTIs, and painful sex (a targeted topical instead of antibiotics).
We also cover why a single blood draw is just "her estrogen at 2pm on a Tuesday" — and why tracking biomarkers (which is actually pretty simple) over a few cycles tells you a LOT more.
Plus a stat that floored me: period-tracking apps are only ~20% accurate at predicting ovulation — wrong roughly 80% of the time.
If your woman has ever been told "everything's fine" while her body said otherwise, and you've felt helpless watching it — this one's for you.
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Work with usReady to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
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Mentioned on this episode:The Love Field: Hot Love Summer → www.violetlange.com/thelovefieldThe Cycle Book: An Interactive Step-by-Step Guide to Tracking Hormones and Knowing Your Body by Laura Federico, LCSW & Morgan Miller, CPM, LMWork with Morgan & Laura (virtual; they also train providers): www.itslauraandmorgan.com—
Memorable quotes from this episode:"I feel loved when the men in my life know things about a woman's body.""Men have a 24-hour cycle, too.""Vaginas are so smart — they're self-cleaning systems.""Don't get pigeonholed into the algorithms; you're not every human.""It's like learning a new language. Once you learn it, you can't unlearn it.""Is this my body adjusting? Is this my body asking for support? Or should I be getting a divorce?""There's no amount of hormones you can pump your body full of that's going to make your libido crank up if you're not into it.""We are patient zero. We are figuring this out for ourselves." -
A 2022 dating survey showed that a whopping 69% of American men say that fear of being labeled "creepy" impacts how they interact with women. And 44% said it diminishes how much they interact with women at all, romantically or otherwise.
In other words, the fear of being creepy can hold you back from all connection with women, not just in the realm of dating/relationships.
But let's talk about sex and dating for a moment. The cruel irony is that this kind of fear usually means you've got a good heart — but left unchecked, it can make you shrink, go invisible, and tuck your sexuality away entirely ... which kills polarity.
Here, Jason and I count down the top 3 ways to make sure you're NOT coming off as creepy. We get practical as well as emotional. I share the "library story" I still think about; Jason gets honest about the years he spent frozen and numb — and we get into why whoever is breathing more deeply in the room ... is holding alpha.
We also share the simple thing you can say out loud that turns an awkward, high-stakes context with a woman into one where she actually feels safe enough to say yes — including the exact line that helped one man ask out a longtime friend and land in the healthiest relationship either of them had ever had.
plus a breakthrough that took one client from scared-and-small to making out outside a restaurant with a woman he thought was "out of his league" — plus the married man who finally said six words to his wife he'd never dared say in their whole marriage, and how she responded.
Whether you've frozen, over-corrected, or held your fire because you were terrified of being "that guy" — single or married — this one's for you. You can move beyond creepy and reclaim this part of yourself ... and everyone benefits when you do.
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Work with usReady to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
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Memorable quotes from this episode:"'Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.'""There's an inverse relationship between safety and creepy.""Head evokes head, heart evokes heart, body evokes body.""And she said, 'It's not that I don't want that — it's not like this, right now.'""The problem isn't always the context — it's whether you set a container and can speak to it.""There's nothing wrong with our sexuality. It's what we do with it.""Whether you say yes or no, I'm going to be okay.""'I find it really hot when you wear a short skirt and boots!'""Shame is healed in community." -
Saknas det avsnitt?
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Who doesn't have trust issues? Let's be real.
Whether it shows up as "I don't trust her to handle my anger," or "I'm afraid I'll just be treated like an ATM" or, "I can't relax until I know the person really, really well," — almost all of carry some version of trust concerns into our dating and relationships.
Here, my dear friend and co-facilitator Violet Lange and I do something we don't often get to: We put our worlds side by side. I work primarily with men who are attracted to women; she works primarily with women who are attractd to men.
Here we map out the top 3 trust issues we see in our clients -- in other words, how trust issues show up differently across men and women that are attracted to the opposite sex. And, encouragingly, we outline how the path to healing them is remarkably similar.
We also get practical about the 3 things required to actually rebuild trust — and none of them is blind trust. As Violet puts it, the goal isn't to trust everyone; it's to trust trustable people, and to feel good about staying closed when you need to.
If you want the relationship but dread the dating part; if you're tired of being on dating apps; if you keep wondering "why do I keep ending up here?" — this one's for you. Trust can be repaired. People come, they grow, they flourish.
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Work with usReady to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
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Mentioned on this episode:The Love Field: Hot Love Summer — Violet's and my new 3-month program (constellations, embodiment, polarity, and the brave conversations we were never taught to have,). Starts June 18th; early bird ends Monday, June 8th. Enroll at www.violetlange.com/thelovefieldDocumentary: The Mask You Live In — on how our culture socializes boys and men; this is a great way to open dialogue if you have a young man in your lifeDM 114: Bullying, resilience, and relationships — on reclaiming a healthy relationship to the masculine after being bullied as a kid, teen, or adult—
Memorable quotes from this episode:"I'm so sick of being on the apps.""I feel like I can't have sex with someone until I know them really, really, really well.""We feel unsafe to be in our bodies.""Wow, that was really healing to experience something different.""The concern is: In my most vulnerable moments, I will be left.""Women fear, 'I won't be chosen.'""I've been loyal to myself throughout.""I'm not afraid to start over.""A lot of it is about recognizing the patterns that we've inherited.""Now I feel a little more relaxed in my body, so that I can be open to men that are safe for me.""I want the relationships but I don't really want to go through the dating part." -
You love your partner. You're committed. But the sex has slowed to a trickle — once a month, once every six months, maybe not in years — and you're starting to wonder: "Is this just what long-term partnership is?"
No -- it doesn't have to be. Unfortunately, if this is happening and you're feeling lonely in your marriage, you're not alone. And it can be hard to know what to do; millions of men feel ill-equipped to address the issue because either a) whenever they do, it becomes a fight; or b) they're scared of coming off as demanding or a jerk.
Here, Jason and I count down the 5 root causes we see most often behind sexless relationships, ranked from least to most common, drawing on our work with hundreds of men.
We cover how much changes when you have kids (including the partner that just can't relax when the kids are in the house); resentment and quiet breaches of trust; mental load; what kind of sex actually feels good for women; and how to engage on the topic skillfully. As Jason says: “Neither men nor women do well when sex is connected to pressure.”
We also share story after story of men whose "spines got straighter," who stopped using sex to discharge stress, and whose wives initiated for the first time in a decade!
If you've been the higher-desire partner wondering, "Is this just how it is now?" -- this one's for you. It can come back online, and when it does, it's often even more glorious than ever.
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Work with usReady to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
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Mentioned on this episode:The Love Field -- our new co-gendered course www.violetlange.com/thelovefieldDM 222: Are you using your woman for sex?DM 103: Reverse polarity can kill your sex life as a couple -- unless you do thisMy streaming course Please Her In Bed — which includes how a man can lead sexual communication (www.pleaseherinbed.com)DM 172: Revealing my sex research, one stat at a time (ft. Robbie Kramer)DM 1: Pain in Pleasure, Pleasure in Pain -- episode with my friend Z, who took a Tantra course and went on her own journey of sexual healing within her marriage—
Memorable quotes from this episode:“Instead of being on the same team, suddenly we’re against each other.”“This is the challenge most couples aren’t prepared for.”"'I enjoyed that he enjoyed it.' ... That's not the same thing as, 'I enjoyed it.'"“How do we actually create desire in the relationship? That's polarity.”"If there are unresolved tensions between the two of you, there's no room for erotic tension.""'My wife initiated with me for the first time in, I swear to God, a decade.'"“After retreat these guys are CHARGED UP with masculine energy.”“Spending deep, quality time with other men is a big part of this.”“‘I want you to take me!’”"It can change.""Good sex is like lubricant for the relationship itself." -
Ever been told you're a "great guy!" but she's "just not feeling it"? Or felt like you're endlessly chasing women but never being pursued yourself?
Here, we dig into what's actually happening when women consistently report not feeling attracted to you -- and what you can do about it.
The truth is, attraction only has a little to do with what you look like physically. For example, one client came into our program good-looking by every conventional standard: broad shoulders, nice body, the whole thing.
But he wasn't having success with women. He was frustrated and stuck. He felt like if he kept going in the same vein, he'd never get the partnership he craved. In this episode we reveal how he got to a breakthrough; after 8-10 weeks of doing what we talk about ... he was being chased for the first time in his life.
Plus, Jason shares a personal story — a date that fizzled, a year of doing the men's work, and then reconnecting with the same woman and completely changing the dynamic -- including having sexy time! Not because he looked different. Because he showed up differently.
Spoiler: "A man's looks account for 20% of attraction. The consciousness that animates a man is 80% of it." And the good news — that 80% is workable.
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Work with usReady to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
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Memorable quotes from this episode:"If I'm in the friend zone with a woman, can I change it?""I would freeze when it would be time to bring attraction forward.""We know pretty fast whether we're interested in someone.""There are a lot of guys that know they were attracted to a woman they're friends with from the moment they met.""Rejection wears you down.""I don't want to make her uncomfortable, so I'm going to hold that back.""We ended up changing it to a sexual relationship.""By being direct, you're leading.""I can't always tell whether I'm attracted to a man until he comes towards me.""You're just the same man with a nicer car.""I'd never had a woman chase me before." -
You know the feeling. You've been holding a vision — for the partner, the family, the sex life you actually want — for months. Maybe years. Maybe decades. And it's still not here.
And underneath the longing, there's a quieter, scarier question: Is there something wrong with me that it hasn't happened yet?
Here, my dear friend and co-facilitator Violet Lang and I have an honest conversation about what it actually takes to hold a long-term vision without collapsing or giving up. We speak vulnerably from experiences in our own lives, as well as the lives of hundreds of clients with whom we've worked.
Violet walks us through her fertility journey (including two devastating miscarriages, failed IVF, and ultimately the path of donor embryo) — which she never would have chosen without being brought to her knees first. She also shares her journey from dissociating during sex and fearing that maybe she was broken — to a genuinely thriving sex life.
I share my own stretch — over a year of unstable housing while trying to co-found a group house, watching teams fall apart, deals fall through, and feeling a good amount of despair. And my 10-year vision of a conscious romantic partner that's still unfolding.
We dig into what actually moves the needle; why the closer you get, the harder it sometimes feels; what Violet calls "initiation" — and why you cannot do this alone.
Plus, a client story: a woman who, 8 years post-divorce, went on barely 2-3 dates and completely shut down after a shady situation. And then, within a few months of doing the work, met her partner at a coffee shop when he held the door open for her. They've been together since 2017.
And a note for the men listening: conscious men who do personal growth work stand out! There are fewer of you than you think, and it matters.
If you've been working toward something for a long time and the question keeps arising — is this ever gonna happen for me? — this one's for you.
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Work with usReady to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
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Mentioned on this episode:Violet's summer group program, with which I'm involved: The Love Field: Hot Love Summer — 12 weeks of shadow work (constellations), polarity practice, embodiment, and live dares. Open to men, women, non-binary folks, singles and couples. Starting June. Enrollment open now at www.violetlange.com/thelovefieldDM 265: What if she's got a sexual trauma background? How do you help? -- Violet covers the jade egg and other modalities that can help a woman overcome sexual trauma and go from not wanting sex to feeling back in her sexy, radiant power (whether she's partnered or not)—
Memorable quotes from this episode:"I had never masturbated until I was 27."“I had to decide whether I was going to lean in and keep going, or give up.”“When I was trying to find my beloved, I was with someone who looked great on paper, but who wasn’t right.”"Your past doesn't have to dictate your future — but you have to call yourself in.""The longings on our hearts are sacred.""Love is an art, and it's meant to be practiced."“I had to give myself permission to have crazy-ass fantasies!”“When I invest in what I want, big shifts happen.”“There’s something that is calling me forward.” -
She used to want it. Now she doesn't. And you're not sure if it's you, the kids, the stress — or something that's quietly shifted inside her.
A lot of the time, it's her hormones. Specifically, perimenopause or menopause.
Here's what most people don't know: perimenopause doesn't start at 45 years old. Dr. Debra Durst — an MD who left traditional medicine to specialize in hormone optimization and sexual wellness — is seeing it in women in their 30s, and sometimes even their 20s.
And the first hormones to drop aren't estrogen -- they're progesterone and testosterone. Which means your partner may be dealing with sleep disruption, anxiety, a shorter fuse, brain fog, low libido, and body composition changes — while her doctor keeps saying her labs look "normal."
Here, Dr. Durst breaks down what perimenopause actually is (it can last a decade or more), why most gynecologists aren't trained to address it, and what comprehensive hormone optimization actually looks like. We get into why testosterone is, surprisingly, the most abundant hormone circulating in a woman's body — and what happens to a couple's sex life when it's properly restored (hint: sometimes you're back to doing it twice a day!).
Plus, we talk about solutions to dryness. There are now cutting-edge tissue regeneration treatments — laser rejuvenation and PRP O-Shots — that can bring arousal, sensitivity, and orgasmic strength back after menopause causes physical changes. And we talk about why Dr. Durst's office coined the phrase "no man left behind" — because when a woman gets optimized, her husband sometimes can't keep up. ;)
If your partner has gone quiet in the bedroom and you don't know why — or she's been told everything looks fine but something clearly isn't — this one's for you. And if she's listening: this one's for you, too.
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Work with usReady to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
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Mentioned on this episode:Dr. Debra Durst's practice: RevitalizeMD — https://www.revitalyzemd.com — also does remote consultationsSexMD Podcast and Dr. Debra Durst on YouTubeA4M (Anti-Aging Academy) provider directory: A4M.com — search by zip code to find a hormone specialist near youO-Shot and P-Shot official provider directories (oshot.info/members/directory/; https://pshot.info/homepage/)GAINSWave provider network — for men's sexual wellness (https://gainswave.com/directory/)—
Memorable quotes from this episode:"If you don't feel like yourself, then you need to start thinking hormones.""Progesterone is your feel-good hormone — sleep and mood, if I was to simplify it.""Leaving problems unaddressed is not sustainable for couples.""These women get tearful because it's the first time they felt like they actually were listened to.""When we get you optimized, he won't be able to keep up.""No man left behind.""A lot of men will say, 'I didn't know I had an issue until you optimized her.'""Women on testosterone — it is life-changing.""Sex does not have to be different if you don't want it to be.""I want my life back. My sex life back." -
It’s one of the top questions in Dr. Kelly’s men’s health practice.
And it’s not just coming from older men — it’s guys in their 20s and 30s. We're talking 27-year-old chiseled Marine sergeants walking in saying, "I can't get motivated. I rarely wake up with erections anymore. I haven't had sex with my girlfriend in two weeks." And their buddies are reporting the same thing.
It's not all in their heads, either. According to Dr. Kelly, the average 22-year-old man today often has the testosterone of a 70-year-old.
And get this: This is a global trend.
Here, Dr. Kelly takes us through the data, including a 2025 meta-analysis of over a million men, which shows roughly a 50% drop in average T since the 1970s. We talk through what’s behind this insanely precipitous drop, as well as what a man can do about it.
Plus, we cover why just reaching for a vial of testosterone isn't the move most men think it is. Spoiler: exogenous T can shut down your natural production, shrink your testicles, and tank your fertility.
We also get into a success story where a patient went from a testosterone level of 400 to 650 in just 12 weeks, and how he blew Kelly away with his transformation (or as she put it, “When he walked in it was like, ‘Who the f*** is this guy?”). Plus a frank word on what Western medicine has become, and the "free testosterone check" clinics she wants you to be careful of.
If you've ever wondered about your testosterone levels and whether they might be low, or your drive has quietly gone missing and you don't know why — this one's for you.
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Work with usReady to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
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Mentioned on this episode:Dr. Kelly Morgan's practice: morganmenshealth.com — free intro men's health webinar in May, 4-part series in June—
Memorable quotes from this episode:"Your 22-year-old today often has the testosterone of a 70-year-old in the 1970s.""It's your get up and go anything. And it's your get up and get your dick up.""There's actually no food in the grocery store anymore.""We doctors have become body mechanics to the nth degree. We're not healers anymore. We are mechanics employed by large corporations.""We're an I-want-it-now generation.""These are all things all men can be doing on their own.""Every aspect of your life improves when you have community.""My libido's back!""Oh my god, my dick works again!" -
You know the moment. She comes at you with heat — frustrated, hurt, disappointed, or just a lot — and something inside you freezes.
Maybe you start minimizing her experience ("It's not that bad"; "You're exaggerating"). Or you lawyer up ("Well but you also said ____" or "That's not what I meant; if you'd just listen while I explained..."). Or you look present, but you're not.
It's one of the most common patterns we see in hetero relationships. And the story we've been told about why it happens is mostly wrong.
Here, Jason and I dig into what's actually going on when her intensity floods you — and surprising research on this. For example, we still, as a culture, have a story that boys are "strong" and girls are "sensitive," but the Still Face Experiment found that baby boys are actually more emotionally reactive than baby girls, and more dependent on maternal attunement to come back to regulation.
Add in the fact that boys receive less comforting touch than girls — more functional, directive touch, less "I've got you" — and by the time you're a grown man, you often don't quite know what it feels like to be truly held. Which means you don't quite know how to hold her. Plus, the Gottman Institute has found that it actually takes a flooded man 20 minutes to come back into presence.
Then we get into what actually works. Spoiler: it's not white-knuckling your way through.
We also name something critical: none of this is about tolerating emotional abuse. If your partner's intensity is off the charts and the pattern never shifts no matter how present you get — it's time to listen to our episodes on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
If you've ever looked at your partner mid-conflict and thought I don't know what to do right now or This isn't working; it's just escalating— this one's for you.
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Work with usReady to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
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Mentioned on this episode:Our Generating Polarity in Dating! masterclass coming up on May 29th. Register at: www.melaniecurtin.com/masterclassOur Borderline Personality Disorder episodes: 128 (start here), 313, 345, 354 & 373 (a 2-part series)Memorable quotes from this episode:"Receiving comfort is actually often a struggle for me.""Sometimes the body is activated while the mind suppresses awareness of it.""What are you grounding into?""It's better to tell her you can't be present right now than pretend like you can.""'I'm flooded. I can't receive you the way I want to right now. I need a 20-minute timeout. And then I want to come back.'""It's not about becoming an invulnerable robot that can handle intensity forever.""The more held you are, the more you can hold her.""Investing in other men is the single best investment you can make in your life.""It's like plugging into a source of clean energy you didn't even know was available.""'I had never experienced safe love in that way before.'" -
Has it always been clear to you where you fit into the world? -- what your purpose is, what you contribute, what your "worth" or "value" is, as a man.
If so, you're in the minority these days.
A modern young man has no official initiation into adulthood -- no rite of passage. So he often ends up "adrift on a sea of shame," as story weaver and healthy masculinity educator Djeli Celestia, puts it.
That line alone stopped me cold, because I've seen it so many times in the men I work with: They know what they don't want to be (i.e. like their dad), but no map for how to become who they do want to be. No elder handed them a compass. No ritual marked the threshold. And adrift youth frequently grow up into adrift adults — older, but still lost.
So what's the solution?
Here, healthy masculinity educators Scott and Djeli dig into what rites of passage actually are, why modern culture has nearly lost them, and what happens — to men, to relationships, to family systems — when they're missing. They also share about the beauty and possibility that opens up when we restore these relatively simple but powerful practices.
For example, Djeli shares his own personal story of taking his own son into the woods for a rite of passage at 18 — and what his son left behind with the trees. I'll let him tell you. But I will say: I was deeply moved.
If you're a man who has felt a certain kind of ache — the sense that something important was never handed to you — this one's for you. And if you're in the "sandwich generation," parenting below while navigating aging parents above, there's something in here about how the healing you do ripples in both directions.
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Work with usReady to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
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Mentioned on this episode:Scott & Djeli's organization, The Inspiring Men Project: https://improject.co/---
Memorable quotes from this episode:“I had not entered into adulthood with any rites, and I brought with me a lot of anger.”“I’m struggling to find love and passion and that kind of connection, so I’ll find it through pornography.”"Who am I to guide anyone?"“Initiation isn’t a moment; it’s a process.”"There is a real closeness between the secret and the sacred."“A lot of men think, 'I caused harm, but I don’t know how to do better.'”"He forgave himself.""It's not just about what he came back with. It's also about what he left there."“We have to have that sense of where we belong in this web of life.”"It's when we add wisdom to getting older that we become elders.""How can I step up?"“When we initiate action, we can invite in change.” -
Ever felt like there's something blocking you in love — something you can't quite name, but keeps showing up? Maybe you've got anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment traits, or you've sacrificed your needs for others or struggled to own your sexual attraction.
It's easy to feel like our issues in our sex or loves lives are all our fault, and all ours to fix. But what if something bigger is going on?
Here we explore one of the most fascinating -- and still somewhat underground -- healing modalities out there: Constellations (aka Family Constellations).
Constellations is the practice of looking at the broader system you come from — your family, your lineage, generations back — to understand why you might be stuck in patterns that don't make sense given your own life experience alone.
Here Violet breaks down how blocks to love, intimacy, and connection are often not about you at all, but about grief, trauma, or exclusion that happened long before you arrived. Think: your grandfather came back from war a different man, and somehow, decades later, you can't quite open your heart. Or as one participant put it, "I had no idea that what I was holding onto wasn't even mine."
The really cool part? You don't have to do anything. As the client, you get to watch the healing unfold. We share where this practice comes from (rooted in Zulu tradition, brought to the West by German therapist Bert Hellinger), how it interfaces with epigenetics, and what it actually feels like to receive a constellation. Plus — if you're intrigued, we're doing a live constellations event on April 18th focused on healing your relationship with the feminine. Details below.
"The Field has its own intelligence. There's no one clear leader. And it will show us what we need to see — the next important step for your healing and for your growth."
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Work with usReady to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
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Mentioned on this episode:Healing Your Relationship With the Feminine: our workshop April 18th 10a-3p---
Memorable quotes from this episode:"I feel like I have a broken picker!""Survival was dependent on not being seen.""We are more than an individual self.""The system itself wants to be fully expressed.""I leave the grief with you.""Trauma is something that happens that our nervous system can't metabolize and then it stays locked in our bodies and locked in the system.""Once our suffering is seen, what's left is the love.""The blocks are not our own inner system — it's not just 'I have this thing with anger.'""We, as human beings, are part of a greater story.""It's about letting the system reorganize.""You lost a child and you closed your heart.""Secrets were kept.""Systems seek wholeness.""Ideally humanity is moving as one, and growing as one.""When you bring the light of consciousness to bear on something, it changes that thing. There's no separation between consciousness and change." -
Globally, hundreds of millions of men contend with erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and delayed ejaculation. One 2021 US national survey found an overall ED prevalence rate in men of around 24% — that’s nearly one in four.
But even in men’s work spaces (men’s groups, retreats, etc.), one rarely hears these topics discussed. Why?
In a word: shame.
Here, Luke and I debrief our recent course, Sexual Mastery, and what patterns we saw in terms of what it actually takes to heal sexual dysfunction — from ED to delayed ejaculation — in a lasting way.
Spoiler: it's not just a pill or a breathing technique. And it's definitely not about drilling your dick into submission.
We also touch on an unexpected edge that several men had to lean into in order to start having the sex lives they've always wanted, and how your unprocessed grief about your father — yes, really — might have everything to do with your erection.
If you've ever felt like something's off but couldn't name it — or, when it comes to your penis, like you've tried the "logical" fixes and they haven't worked — this one's for you.
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Work with usReady to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
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Memorable quotes from this episode:"You can't drill the dick into obeying. It requires care."“Shame is one of the most uncomfortable sensations in the body.”“We were going to have to traverse the shadowland.”"What is more insulting to a man, with all of that conditioning, than not being able to have control of your penis? Fuck, if that is not painful."“As one man took the leap … it was an irresistible magnet to pull the next man in.”"I remember thinking: this man's whole life is different now. He cannot go back to the way that things were."“It was probably the most transformative, creative artistic experience I’ve ever been a part of.”"All an emotion is, is cellular vitality and blood flow. At a physical level. At a spiritual level, it's a raw sense of aliveness — your essence vibrating through you." -
Do you ever wish you were more grounded, had stronger boundaries, felt more clear and aligned in your purpose, and could powerfully ask for what you want and need?
If so, then you might resonate with Nice Guy Synrdome, and you probably want stronger YANG energy (as opposed to YIN energy). Here, Luke breaks down the mind-body connection through the lens of traditional Chinese medicine (TCM). explaining how unspoken resentment, chronic worry, and swallowed boundaries don't just affect your relationships — they show up in your immune system, your gut, and your posture.
Meanwhile, we get real about what women actually feel in the presence of a man who's either checked out of his power or swinging it around like a wrecking ball (spoiler: neither feels safe or sexy).
The good news? Yang energy can be rebuilt — and faster than you think, especially in community. We dig into why breathwork and meditation are such powerful tools for men ready to stop walking on eggshells and start showing up fully. If you've ever wondered why you're so tired, why you can't seem to ask for what you want, or why something just feels stuck — this one's for you.
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Memorable quotes from this episode:"The yuckiness that I'm not stating, I will produce and absorb. I'll swallow it, put it down into my own system, and then I will digest that angst, that resentment, that grief, that sadness.""The state of mind that brought on the disease cannot be the state of mind that cures the disease. Don't change who you are — and the disease has no choice but to remain the same.""When I — or my women friends — can feel that a man is deeply present, and that he has the capacity to stand up for himself… that is sexy.""When you watch another man break through — you feel proud, and you feel: if he could do it, I can do it. Because I relate to him and his pain and his story. I know his story, because it's my story.""Let's get on with the business of living! Who knows how much time we have?"---
Work with usReady to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
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The kids are almost out of the house. And there's this quiet, low-grade dread that when they go … you'll both be left staring across the table at someone you believe you love but barely know anymore.
That dread is well-founded. Couples are 40% more likely to divorce after kids leave home. Divorce rates for Americans over 55 have doubled since 1990. And roughly half of all divorces now happen to couples who are 50+ — right in this window. The empty nest isn't just an emotional transition. It's a relationship reckoning.
But there's a surprising and uplifting twist here: research also shows that couples who do the work don't just survive empty nest syndrome — they thrive. Studies show that folks in tended marriages report higher closeness and intimacy after the kids leave. The difference between couples who split and those who catch fire again? Those that see it coming and take action.
Here we speak honestly about what they see in men who sensed flatness in their relationship for years and didn't act. Men in near-sexless marriages telling themselves it's "fine." And men who finally did the work — and found themselves having the best sex of their marriage in their 50s, feeling closer to their wives than they ever have. As one put it, "I didn't even know this was possible. We're having more fun now and being more sexually adventurous than either of us could ever have imagined!"
We also cover a truth that as a culture we don't always like to talk about: The fastest way to reignite your relationship is not always couples therapy.
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Work with usReady to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
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Memorable quotes from this episode:“We haven’t really had a relationship since the kids were born.”“We’re close to if not at the border of a sexless relationship.”“I can feel my partner slipping away.”“I’m not willing to spend my life in something this stuck.”"I don't just want it to be good; I want it to be fucking amazing!""She knew I was never going anywhere. But once that changed — she started relating to me differently."“This is one of the main places men can step up.”“There’s this gap I want to bridge.”“Is this it? Is this the rest of my life?”“The sooner you get on top of this, the better.”“One of the fastest ways to polarize your relationship is to deepen your relationship with healthy men.”“Deep brotherhood changes us. We make bolder choices; we recover from challenge faster; we feel more connected to ourselves.”“What’s actually happening in my marriage NOW?” -
Have you been through some sh*t? Or maybe you’re in it now.
If you feel stuck, or that there’s stagnant energy in your system that needs some unblocking, Breathwork can be a way of getting MOVING.
It can help you to finally let go.
Perhaps you’re not getting what you want in sex and intimacy, or maybe you just feel empty a lot of the time and don’t know what to do about it.
Or maybe you could write a PhD on your “issues” but you know you need to go beyond talking about it.
Whether you’re still knotted up with sexual shame, or you’re married and trying to figure out why it's so hard for you to lead his wife, or you’re dating going into freeze — or you’ve got patterns around money and finance, the root cause is often the same:
Unprocessed "stuff."
Carrying around tension is like walking through life weighed down by a backpack full of rocks. You don't always realize it's there until you're freed from it.
Plus, women are magnetically drawn to men who are relaxed and grounded in their bodies. That relaxed, open state doesn't just happen, and it's not something you're born with. There are things you can do to get there.
When it comes to processing trauma, shame, or just general stuckness, talking has limited efficacy. That's part of why you may not have gotten the results you were looking for through talk therapy or couples counseling. It's usually when we work the body (hi, somatic therapy) that we truly experience breakthroughs. Or as my guest, Luke Adler, puts it:
"The beauty of breathwork is that you add tremendous fuel and bypass the mind."
Memorable quotes from this episode:"We men have been acculturated to be thickened up.""It made clear where things were really working in my life and where they weren’t.""Whatever system is stagnant — it’s going to move.""People’s pace needs to be honored."---
Work with usReady to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
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Ever felt obligated to "take the next step" in a relationship -- for example, becoming exclusive, moving in together, getting married, buying a house, having children, etc.?
Was it what you really wanted, or was it just what your partner or others thought you should be doing at that point?
Millions of people quietly make alternative life choices and relationship choices -- but we rarely talk about them. Enter Amy Gahran and her book, Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator.
In the world of sex, dating, and love relationships, the cultural norm is the "relationship escalator" -- it's the familiar rom-com plotline where you date, become monogamous, put a ring on it, get married, buy a single-family home in the suburbs (don't forget the white picket fence!), have children, and then only "win" at marriage if you stay together until death parts you. You never get to acknowledge attraction to anyone else, and you both avoid questions around emotional closeness with anyone outside your relationship.
Here, we talk about what it looks like to get OFF the relationship escalator.Here are a few concrete examples:
You want kids, and your partner doesn't. Instead of breaking up, your partner and their close friend become co-parents. You all cohabitate.You've gotten divorced, but you're still close friends with your ex-spouse. They buy the house across the street and you hang out all the time. You've become close with their new dating partner.After living alone and realizing you feel lonely and isolated, you choose to move back in with housemates -- and you're happier than you've been in a long timeAmy Gahran has interviewed hundreds of people who are off the escalator and are engaging in creative relationships of all kinds. If you've ever wondered what else was possible, listen to this.
Memorable quotes from this episode:"More is possible.""You have options. And even if you want to keep doing what you're doing, make it a conscious choice.""Cultivate the skill to re-negotiate because I can guarantee that at some point you're going to need to."---
Amy's site: https://offescalator.com/
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“A common pattern we see is that the sex has dried up.”
In millions of marriages around the globe, one partner is starving for intimacy, and the other feels confused, frightened, frozen, or all three. The sexually guarded partner doesn't know how to open, and their partner feels stuck, unhappy and alone.
So what can they do?
Here we explore exactly that, with a focus on a woman partner who may be terrified of engaging in sexual healing. We explore the origins and root causes of this pattern, as well as sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy, love, commitment, and connection.
We talk about the phenomenon of: “I’m so flooded now that we have kids that it’s really hard for me to have the bandwidth to connect physically with anyone.” And: “Our lack of physical intimacy started bleeding into a lack of emotional intimacy."
\We also talk about the prevalence of sexual trauma, whether from childhood or adulthood or both, as well as how to heal from it.
Hint: One of the best ways to move through it is as a woman is not with a love relationship partner, but with other women.
Sisterhood is powerful medicine.
Mentioned on this episode:Violet's program for women: Love Integrated (https://loveandlegacy.circle.so/LoveIntegrated)Violet & Jason & Luke's program for women: Heart of Shadow for Women (https://heartofshadow.com/women/)DM 1: Pain in Pleasure, Pleasure in PainDM 348: ‘I wish we had sex more.’ (ft. Violet Lange)DM 325: What if *every* woman had a self-pleasure practice? DM 265: What if she's got a sexual trauma background? How do you help? (ft. Violet Lange) DM 227: How a woman can reclaim her erotic essence (ft. Violet Lange)Memorable quotes:“It can be very easy for a woman to avoid these conversations.”“Couples are complex systems.”“If you can’t talk about sex and what’s coming up there, you start to close off other conversational doors.”“He’s starving for intimacy, and I don’t just mean physical sex.”“There’s a deeper layer of healing and connection that wants to come forth.”“‘The closer we got, the less interested in sex I became; it was easy to just focus on planning the wedding.’”“I funneled all my energy into work ... and if I’d had kids, I would’ve funneled it into them.”“There’s a leaning in so that you, as a unit, — you and your partner — are generating energy.”“I can’t live a full life and exclude this part of myself.”“I’m ready, and I’m scared.”“It’s about having a partner who expresses herself so that you really trust her.”“We, as humans, and especially women, are incredibly capable of change and healing and growth and renewal.”“Here I am; I’m alive!” -
Have you ever felt like you've done everything right — therapy, journaling, the inner work — and yet you were still kind of... stuck? Like you intellectually understood your pain but couldn't actually move it?
That's where Sara found herself after a 10-year marriage ended; a year of talk therapy later, she still wasn't where she wanted to be. She felt alone in a battle with the voice inside her that said she was a failure, unlovable, and destined to repeat the past.
So she did something most people would never, ever do — and it changed everything.
It involved the kink world — but not in the way you might think. Here, we get into how she set it all up, why she chose to do it the way she did, what it felt like in the room, and — most importantly — what shifted as a result.
This episode is a reminder that healing doesn't always look the way we expect, and that sometimes the bravest thing we can do is feel it all, all the way through ... in community.
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Work with usReady to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I can help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---
Memorable quotes from this episode:"It had been about a year of talk therapy, and I was thinking, 'Why am I not where I want to be?'"“What if I meet someone horrible and think they’re amazing?”"These were thoughts like, 'You’re not good enough. You’re not special. You’re never going to find love. Nobody’s ever going to love you. You don’t deserve to find the perfect partner for you.'" "I wanted to be pushed. I wanted to be a bawling mess.""I want to feel like I was letting go to a new extent.""Is this really the idea?? Do I really want to do this?""I did this thing, and I survived, and I was in control."“I chose that pain and I chose to let go of that pain.” "Things just became a little easier — of forgiving myself. Not having to be as perfect. Not having to be completely ready."---
Mentioned on this episode:DM 231: Her journey from vanilla marriage to BDSM and kink! (ft. Sara)Want to get in touch with Sara? Email me: dearmenpodcast at gmail dot com -
Ever been in a relationship where you felt like it started off GREAT, but over time it became really hard? Ever felt like you had electric sex with someone, especially at the beginning, but then you were often put in the doghouse for doing something “wrong,” and that eventually you ended up constantly walking on eggshells to try not to trigger your partner? Then you’ll likely resonate with this episode.
If you’re someone who struggles with setting healthy boundaries, you may have noticed a certain pattern in terms of the dating and relationship partners you’ve ended up with.
In our work with men we’ve often seen a certain kind of polarity where men with Nice Guy tendencies attract women with traits of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). These women are often brilliant, funny, engaging, witty, exciting to be around … and volatile. Romantic relationships with them can be a rollercoaster with precipitous highs and lows.
Fortunately, we’ve also seen countless men overcome this pattern and grow beyond it. Here we delve into the pattern itself, reasons behind it, and what to do about it.
Memorable quotes:“One of the hallmark traits of Nice Guys is overextending.”“It’s often the volatile person’s nervous system that gets centered.”“If you don’t see reality their way, you’re the enemy.”“There’s a fear that if I end this, I’m going to be alone.”“At an early age, the Nice Guy had to regulate one of his parents, or the family system itself.”“Maybe me speaking up isn’t aggressive.”—
Mentioned on this episode:Dear Men episode 239: Just realized I’m a nice guy. Now what?Dear Men episode 128: Feel like you’re walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder -
Do you ever find yourself minimizing your own needs, and/or feeling responsible for others' emotions?
Do you tend to stay quiet to keep the peace, or freeze during conflict?
Have you ever struggled with boundaries or wondered why standing up for yourself feels so hard?
Here we explore a family dynamic that can be just as damaging for what doesn’t happen as for what does. If there was a volatile parent in your house and a more passive one (or if that's the dynamic you're in as a parent right now, with your own children), you'll want to hear this.
This conversation goes beyond obvious abuse and into the invisible wounds: the confusion of not knowing who will protect you, the way your body learns to brace, appease, or disappear, and how those early patterns quietly follow you into adult relationships.
We also explore what healing can look like — not through blame, but through awareness. How do you grieve the protection you didn’t receive? What does it take to stop replaying the bully–bystander dynamic in your partnerships, friendships, or inner world? If you’ve ever felt caught between harm and silence, this episode invites you to name the experience — and begin choosing something different.
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Mentioned on this episode:
One Million Rising (pro-democracy training): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4496VWDjwS0&t=19svioletlange.com/root -- to sign up & get Zoom link (or replay after Feb 12th). If you have questions, just email [email protected]. You can also check out her program for women directly at: Love, Integrated - Visa fler
