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Hello!
I hope all’s going well.
So, over the last few weeks, whilst dripping with sweat, grateful for the bright, long days, feeling cooked alive and eating far too many ice creams, I’ve been working on lots of exciting new content.
Part one is very nearly ready, and part two is on its way.
So, over the summer, I’m going to press pause on the podcast while I finish building everything behind the scenes.
The podcast will be back in September. But obviously I wouldn’t leave you without some good hearty solidarity, so stay tuned as I'll be sending out my dating care packages next week.
Until then, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for listening, reading and being part of this really special community, which I feel so lucky to be part of.
All my love and solidarity.
Juliet x
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit datingsolidarity.substack.com -
1. Never go on a date again
Instead, go and chat to someone at a bus stop.
I mean this figuratively. What I mean is, every time you go on a date, tell your mind and body that it is not a date. It is simply spending a little bit of time having a chat while you wait for something wonderful. If they surprise you and are something wonderful, absolutely bloody fantastic. But BE IN THE ENERGY of “this is just a bit of company while I wait for my person”. The less you think that they are your person, or could be your person, the more relaxed you are. The more you’re able to see them just as a human being you can be curious about.
2. It is not defeatist to be realistic – it is liberating
I was shackled by an oppressive desperation that every date I went on HAD to be my last ever first date because I was sick of looking. This entitled, exhausted, impatient, desperado energy served absolutely no one. Being hopeful and optimistic are great qualities IN GENERAL LIFE. But they can be counterproductive in dating. The likelihood is they are not your person at all. Expect this. And allow yourself to be bowled over if it goes really well. It’s the ultimate case of ‘underpromise and overdeliver’. Keep your expectations low and your friendly curiosity high.
3. Approach them like a pal
Passion and desire can happen if the synergy is there, but friendship is the foundation of every good connection. Talking soul to soul, person to person, is so much more limitless than flirting. Start there. Flirting can come later if the soul connection is good. But if you connect as two human beings first, anything can build. If you start with flirting, you are missing a golden opportunity to actually get to know each other. Have you watched Off Campus? Sex can be so much more gratifying when two people really like each other’s minds as well as their bodies.
4. Every date is an opportunity to learn something new
What are the questions you would love to ask romantic partners but never dare? Ask those questions! Enrich your understanding of the way different people think and experience life. This allows you to be curious instead of vulnerable. Cheerfully indifferent instead of tremulously hopeful. This has so many positives. It makes you a zillion times more attractive because you don’t have ‘pick me’ energy, or ‘I’m absolutely crushed I don’t fancy you’ energy. It allows you to quieten the loud voices of expectation and disappointment and simply chat to someone.
5. Utilise the common ground
You share one vital similarity with every single person you date – you’re both dating. You’re both navigating the same world but potentially having very different experiences. Make the most of this opportunity to ask them how they’re finding it. Share stories. The way sometime talks about their experiences is such a valuable insight into how they operate. If they talk negatively about others, that’s very useful information. If they can be open and vulnerable, that’s really good to know.
6. Lower the stakes
Whether you date three times a week or once in a blue moon, my advice is the same – lower the stakes. If you invest a lot of preparation, it makes the date feel too important. The more we put in, the more we expect to get out. Dating doesn’t work like that. There’s either lovely synergy or there isn’t. This is just a date. Not THE date. Not a chance to prove yourself. Not a chance to impress, seduce, beguile. Not a chance to dehumanise someone just because you’re not attracted to them. Just two people, sharing space for a short period of time while you wait for the bus.
7. Meet somewhere you want to go anyway
Rather than ‘scouting out a location in advance’, do something you’ll enjoy, regardless of the company. Discuss what you both like and do that. Or suggest something you know you’ll enjoy and do that. I hated dating but I very much like having a pint, drinking nice wine, sipping a margarita, devouring cake and ice cream. I wish I’d reframed dates as a chance to a nice thing I always enjoy, with someone who also happens to be looking for love. Not expecting to find it in each other. Not needing to. Just getting to do the tasty thing alongside another person.
8. Keep the act of dating separate from your feelings about love
Keep stoking the fires of hope. Keep your vision of love alive and glorious. Keep writing your invitations to love with your beautiful, open heart. But keep those essential, tender practices separate from dating itself. This allows you to stay connected to what you’re looking for. It keeps you in the vibration of love. It keeps your standards beautifully high. It keeps you aligned with what will serve your highest good. Whilst taking all the pressure off this date, this day, this person, this moment being the launchpad to your future joy. Making each date a low-key encounter enables you to be fully yourself. Not an excited puppy, a horny goat or a sourpuss. It allows you to be who you are. An interesting, delightful person who is looking for love. A person who is inviting love and passion and friendship into your life, but not expecting it immediately. Not needing it to be now. Trusting and knowing it is yours. Trusting and knowing it is coming towards you, just as you are moving towards it, but not demanding it happen on a particular timeline. Trusting that the timeline will be right for your personal journey.
9. Do not sell. Do not buy.
A date is not a sales pitch. And it is not an interview. I fell into this trap every time. If I fancied them, I would coquettishly pitch myself. Touching thighs, fluttering eyelashes, laughing too generously. Trying to make them like me, want me, choose me. If I didn’t feel an instant attraction, I would ask endless questions, like an interviewer screening a candidate, often feeling more defeated, disinterested and depressed as time wore on. Neither of you is the recruiter or the interviewee. You are just two people in the same position – meeting someone you’ve never met before. For things to progress to a second date, there needs to be mutual attraction, mutual curiosity and mutual enthusiasm. Don’t spend the date evaluating this, you can do that later. Spend the date chatting to someone with the calm curiosity you would in a non-date scenario. If you’re analysing the moment, you’re not in the moment.
10. If you’re going to overthink, overthink the positives
Replacing anxious or resentful ‘what ifs’ with positives for your life as a whole helps to take the pressure off each individual date. When you feel held by the bigger picture, you can rock up to each encounter feeling more grounded and comfortable without the heavy weight of expectation.
So let’s overthink some lovely dating thoughts together…
* What if I meet someone so wonderful, they make every second of waiting worth it?
* What if everyone I date enhances my life in some way?
* What if every single moment of my life is shaping me in ways I will be grateful for?
* What if I can trust the timing of my life?
* What if there is a future version of me yelling back in time that it’s all going to be okay, more than okay, absolutely bloody brilliant!
Why not make that your plan for the next two weeks – overthink the positives for the macro plan of your life. And let the micro moments unfold without expectation.
Because the less we try to control things, the more room we create to be surprised. To be enchanted. To be delighted…
Thank you so much for listening. I’m currently working on a dating care package that I can’t wait to send to you all! To receive it when it’s ready, make sure you’re signed up to my newsletter at Datingsolidarity.com. Share this podcast with anyone you know who’s dating and needs a boost. And follow me on Instagram @datingsolidarity.
Wishing you a really great week, overthinking the positives.
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit datingsolidarity.substack.com -
Saknas det avsnitt?
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Disappointment can be forged into power. Rejection can be the catalyst for profound confidence. Ghosting can be the chrysalis from which you emerge with magnificent wings.
Number 1: Knock Them Off The Pedestal
Imagine finding out something really unappealing about someone you like. Some habit or belief they hold that instantly turns you off. Some behaviour trait that gives you the ick so much so that you just can’t look at them the same way.
A person who ghosts you did just that. They were rude. Disrespectful. And unkind. Gross! No one wants to say, “oh my new boyfriend is sooooo unkind! I’m so lucky to have met such an uncaring character who doesn’t even believe in human decency! Swoon swoon!”
Knock this joker off the pedestal you put them on. They are not amazing and the best thing you’ve encountered. It was smoke and mirrors. Nothing real. Nothing sturdy. Nothing long-lasting. Just because they had some of the qualities you’re looking for, doesn’t mean they were right for you.
Your time is so much better spent moving towards love and enjoying your life, than being messed around by someone who isn’t right for you and never will be. Your person won’t be on a pedestal because they’ll be walking beside you. Hand in hand. Equals. And it will be so nice because you won’t get neck strain and will be able to hear each other much more easily. So much less gets lost in translation when you are in step with someone.
Number 2: Rejection Is Redirection
This saying will make even more sense in the future. Because in the future you will not remember this nitwit’s name. This nicompoop who ghosted you will just be an uncomfortable bump in the road on the way to your favourite person. Your person will make this person seem embarrassingly unappealing. Your person will be polite and wonderfully enthusiastic about spending time with you.
But this person is useful. This rejection is useful. It’s a signpost away from what will hurt you, so you can travel towards what will nourish and sustain you.
Ghosting is awful, but it’s also a gift. It’s saving you the most precious commodity we have on this planet: time.
So them removing themselves early is actually a boon. Thank you so much for clearing the way for what serves me! And not clogging up my life with fruitless distractions.
Now you get to concentrate on what is guaranteed to serve you. You get to emerge from this uncomfortable portal and step into an exciting new chapter.
Number 3: “Creative” Is An Anagram Of “Reactive”
Dating is by its very nature disempowering. Because you can’t control the outcome. Even if you’re loving dating and are having a great time with interesting people, there is always an element of frustration because you still haven’t met the person worth having your last ever first date with.
The cure for this is to invest a greater proportion of your time and energy into fulfilling things that you can control. This is done by setting achievable, rewarding goals that make you feel excited by life.
While you’re waiting for someone to share your love, creativity and passion with, share it with the world. The world needs your love, creativity and passion. The world is eager for it. The world will embrace it. And that exchange will be deeply rewarding.
When disappointment comes knocking on your door, invite it in. But instead of listening to its insidious lamenting, make it a nice cup of tea and talk to it. Ask it questions. Help it discover what it wants in addition to love. Grab some paper and some colourful markers and have fun making some SMART goals, baby! Plans that are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Bound. Sexy stuff! Genuinely. Because what is sexier than being fulfilled?
Dating is a big lucky dip. Fun at first, but quickly dispiriting when you continually pull out tat. So, while you keep dipping a hand in to see if there’s a lovely life partner with an outstretched palm, make sure you’re doing other things that make you feel excited to be alive.
What creative endeavour calls to you right now? What can you do that is measurable when you achieve it? What will light you up when telling people about it? What slightly scares you and yet compels you to try?
What would happen if each time you experienced disappointment, you became creative instead of reactive? You’d become unstoppable!
I want this to be a rousing call to action to take stock of all the things you can control. An invitation to open your arms to welcome and discover all the things that will give your life even more purpose and meaning.
Not instead of feeling your feelings. It’s important to feel them. It’s important to take gentle, loving care of ourselves. It’s important to be honest when things hurt. When things trigger old wounds and old patterns. The trick is not to get stuck there.
Because you’re not just dating. You’re exploring. Discovering new people until you chance upon the one that feels like home. Where it feels safe to disembark and settle. There may be pretty islands along the way that seem enticing but don’t offer safe harbour. But we don’t stop sailing. The world is vast and there is far more to discover. And whilst you sail, there are sunsets, sweet warm breezes, cool refreshing water and fresh mango to feast upon.
I conclude by sharing my favourite poem, Wild Geese by Mary Oliver.
I’d be absolutely honoured to continue supporting you. Please like and subscribe. You can also join my Substack community where you’ll receive a weekly newsletter and follow me on Instagram, where I can respond to your dating questions.
With love,
Juliet
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit datingsolidarity.substack.com -
In today’s episode, I share my story. How a simple mindset shift took me from nearly a decade of disappointment to a proposal in Paris. With a rather luxurious choice between five extremely eligible suitors along the way.
Quotes from today’s episode:
“ I genuinely thought the best I could hope for was ‘the cream of the dregs’—until I completely shifted my approach, and everything changed.”
“The number of times I had mini-relationships with people I wasn’t even into, and then was dumped by, and was like, ‘This is just the absolute pits, because I feel really hurt and rejected by someone who was never quite right for me—but even they don’t want me.’ I processed every encounter with a victim mentality.”
“ I was allowing myself to be swept up by either attraction or validation or distraction because I was incredibly lost and lonely, and none of those things were taking me towards love. But as soon as I set the intention of being in love, and accepting nothing less, the options completely transformed.”
“You focus less on what’s out there and what you’re getting and more on what’s here and what you’re setting.”
“What’s here is a readiness for love—love, gorgeous love. And what you’re setting is the vibe for how you want to be treated, because you’re treating yourself that way. You’re not giving time and energy to anything that’s not leading you down the path to love. Anything that’s leading you away from love is an instant no.”
“ You want someone who likes everything about you. And then, when they discover the parts of you that are less straightforward and more complicated, they find more curiosity and more love.”
“We’re looking for people we can really be ourselves with. People we can relax and be at home with—who like the entirety of us. If we’re a sphere, we don’t want someone who’s just gonna like the sunshiny part. We want someone who can accept and respect the darker parts, so we can keep turning in a circle, like the Earth.”
“You're looking for just one person. That's totally doable. You're looking for just one person that's totally doable, right?!”
And you are going to find them. They are looking for you, too.
So be a beacon of love—by giving yourself a little love bath every day. Take a few minutes and set the intention to experience the energetic warmth of friendliness in your body. Now, let that warmth expand and grow. Imagine being in love and how it makes you feel – invigorated, alive, at home, relaxed, limitless, energised, welcoming. Now send your beloved a little mental love note. Tell them you’re excited to meet them. Tell them you’re ready when they are. Tell them you can wait, but also that you can’t wait for all the fun to come!
Happy lighthouse-ing.
Until next week.
Love,
Juliet
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit datingsolidarity.substack.com -
Today’s episode is intended to be a lovely cool splash of water on a fatigued face. Revitalising tired daters with three new things to try.
Three steps for a dating fresh-up.
1. Re-empower yourself. Pick a date two to six weeks from now and plan something you will LOVE. Until then, date with renewed focus. Try the steps below to approach things slightly differently and see what happens. Once you hit your treat day, take a break from dating for any length of time that feels good. A day, a week, a month. You are in command of your precious time.
2. Give your profile a fresh lick of paint. One new picture that captures you FEELING good, not just looking good. A moment when you’re in your element, doing something you love. If you don’t have a photo like this, think of someone/something that lights you up and take a few selfies while you’re in that energy. And then add some words/a voice note/a video sharing something authentic and meaningful that you’ve never shared before on a dating app. Something that excites you about the future that you’d love to share with someone. A shining beacon of who you are and what you’re looking for.
3. Start conversations that genuinely interest you. Write some questions or use any of the ones below. They’re designed to spark more enriching and illuminating connection.
- Describe a time you got the giggles and couldn't stop laughing.
- What's your favourite time of day and why?
- If you could go back in time and relive 12 hours of your life, when would you choose?
- What are your favourite and least favourite things about dating?
- If you never had to work again, how would you spend your time?
Which celebrity would you most like to be stuck in a lift with for three hours?
- If you could choose five guaranteed qualities in a soulmate, which would you choose?
- What would you love to happen during the next 10 years?
- What's the most inspiring place you've ever visited?
- What's the best advice you've ever received?
I hope experimenting with these dating fresh-ups is re-energising. A lil pep in your dating step. I love the expression “angels can fly because they take themselves lightly”. How can you make the next week lighter, softer, easier and more fun for yourself?
Wishing you ease, delight and really great connections.
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit datingsolidarity.substack.com -
A wonderful listener sent in this question:
Should you resist making the first move if you have an anxious attachment style and a tendency to rush into things?
We explore…
The enormous value of experimenting with doing the opposite of what you would normally do.
How the way to feel secure is to feel chosen. This involves protecting your energy, rather than giving it away. Creating a playful atmosphere which invites someone to come towards you, rather than pursuing them.
How important it is to be the gatekeeper of your own brilliance. So the right people self-select whether they are worth your time and energy.
How being full of yourself was once the worst insult, but we’re reclaiming it as the most delicious, enlivening and invigorating way to be.
How long term relationships have three stages: The Ideal, The Ordeal, and The Real Deal. It’s very important to know that “the ideal” can be deceptive. It takes a long time to get to know someone deeply, so there is no point rushing anything as it doesn’t change the outcome, only destabilises you.
Giving someone the opportunity to prove their interest, is a fundamental first step that can’t be skipped, even though the waiting is uncomfortable.
Being uncomfortable is hard. But trying to override discomfort just creates further problems. Shifting the discomfort of waiting into an opportunity to amplify your sense of your own power and desirability is a much more enjoyable option.
I hope this episode is useful. I would absolutely love to hear your thoughts and receive any questions you’d like me to answer on future podcasts. You can email me at [email protected] or drop me a message on Instagram @datingsolidarity.
My podcast will drop every Thursday. I would be ever so thrilled if you’d like, subscribe and share.
Wishing you a week of being full of yourself, in the best possible way!
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit datingsolidarity.substack.com -
How to feel good about yourself while dating...
1. Remember that dating is a problematic means to a glorious end.
Just because it feels interminable doesn’t mean it won’t end. Just because it can be extremely hard doesn’t mean it won’t result in more ease, more softness, and extreme delight. Just because it can be the loneliest thing you ever do, doesn’t mean it won’t lead to the most comforting, enriching, supportive connection you’ve ever known.
2. Respect your time.
Because dating can be time-consuming, make a commitment to be a protective guardian of your time. The more you value yourself, the more others will value you.
3. Respect your energy.
The catch-22 is that dating can drain your energy, and the more drained you are, the more draining connections you encounter. Commit to breaking this pattern by being a gorgeous steward of your own energy. Keep your spirits up by doing things that energise you before and after engaging with dating.
4. Write down what you’re looking for and cross-reference it often!
5. Give yourself what you’re looking for. Love, commitment, respect, compliments.
6. Date mindfully and body-fully.
7. Commit to a grounding practice before and after opening a dating app.
This could be as simple as:
Before:
Put your hands on your heart and say “I am worthy of a great love story. This is just a quick peek into a room full of people to see if anyone piques my interest today.”
After:
Put your hands on your heart and say “This is just a tiny moment in a rich, rewarding and fulfilling life of uplifting connections, which I’m building all the time. This is no reflection of the wonders that await. Wonders never cease.”
8. Pull your energy away from the future and focus on what you can impact now.
9. Remind yourself of the facts:
- Being single is a natural part of life.
- Looking for partnership is vulnerable and courageous.
- Nothing that has come before is any indication of what is to come.
- You belong, you are worthy, you are pure love and you deserve committed, fun, harmonious, passionate, loving partnership.
10. If you want to be someone else’s priority, make yourself a priority first.
Commit to weekly practices that connect you to your favourite things and help you feel supported, nourished and connected.
~
For more dating solidarity, subscribe to my weekly newsletter or follow me on Instagram.
This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit datingsolidarity.substack.com
