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As the saying goes, “we are as happy as our least happy adult child”. Parents get this. How do parents walk with their kids through disappointment? In this episode of Breaking Bread, Brian Sutter gives us thoughtful cautions and helpful suggestions.
Show notes:
Our kids have disappointments.
Disappointments such as: being excluded, being mistreated, unhappy with circumstances, unhappy with themselves, failure to excel, failure to succeed, losing a job, losing a spouse.
Parents feel their pain.
Often, we are as happy as our least happy adult child.
Unfortunately, sometimes parents service their own pain when trying to help their children.
Healthy separation between parent in child is needed in navigating child disappointment.
There are some things parents should not do when helping children through disappointment.
Parents should not: miss it, talk kids out of their feelings, rescue kids from their feelings, convey that unwanted emotions are bad.
There are some things parents should do when helping children through disappointment.
Parents should: help kids grieve, help kids manage stories, help kids with their identity, help kids with their God image, give kids hope.
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ADHD has been well understood in the classroom. For a long time, ADHD has been well understood in children and treated for optimal growth in their maturing years. What about adults? What does ADHD look like later in life? How should we understand its effect on life and relationships? How do we treat the disorder for optimal living in the mature years?
Show notes:
What is ADHD?
ADHD stands for Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder. It is a brain disorder. Individuals with ADHD might find it difficult to focus, stay on task, calm and quiet themselves.
What is the neuroscience behind ADHD?
ADHD is a delay in brain development. When certain neurotransmitters are unable to be balanced in the brain, ADHD will result. Two significant neurotransmitters out of balance in the ADHD brain are dopamine and norepinephrine. Dopamine promotes focus, motivation and reward. Norepinephrine regulates judgement and control.
When does ADHD show up?
When ADHD is present, it will show up in childhood. However, the disorder does persist into adulthood. How ADHD is manifested through the aging process differs. For example, hyperactivity which manifests itself outward in youth is still present in an adult but is often experienced more inwardly. ADHD adults have an advantage over ADHD children because they have more control over their environment. For example, the classroom is imposed on the life of a child but a career conducive to an ADHD adult is within their control.
How is ADHD diagnosed?
ADHD can be diagnosed at any point in a person’s life. Two methods for diagnosis are available:
A clinical diagnosis happens when a professional evaluates the presence of the disorder by interview. Through a holistic battery of questions to the client as well as those who live and work closely with them an ADHD determination can be given.
A neuro-psychological evaluation can be given by a professional. This approach includes cognitive skills assessments.
It is important to note that before “ruling in” ADHD, many things need to be “ruled out.” There are many confounding matters such as anxiety and depression that conflate the ADHD diagnosis.
If someone suspects ADHD, should they get a diagnosis?
Yes and no.
Knowing what is contributing to pain is helpful in working through and finding remedies for it. If what an individual suspects to be ADHD is causing ongoing pain in their relationships and responsibilities, a diagnosis has purpose.
If very mild ADHD is present but not causing ongoing life disruption and pain, then a diagnosis may not be necessary.
What are some “helps” for those with ADHD?
Two routes can be taken for assisting those with ADHD:
Therapy can be helpful in learning good coping, lifestyle management and relationship skills. These skills can help mitigate the pain ADHD can cause.
Because ADHD is an imbalance of neurotransmitters, medication is available to help bring balance where imbalance is present.
Is having ADHD only negative in a person’s life?
Fortunately, many have lived well with their ADHD. Their brain is able to take in a lot of stimuli at the same time. Their activated state can produce many benefits such as creativity and ambition.
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The thyroid gland is the master gland of the body. From this command center, hormones are dispatched. Those hormones send marching orders for our bodies to follow. The marching orders orbit closely to those matters that preserve and propagate life. While this bustle of activity happens beneath the boundary of our skin, effects surface in our thoughts and emotions. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Lynne Streitmatter, a professional in women’s hormonal care talks with Kathy Knochel a clinical therapist about the intersection of our bodies with our emotional, relational and spiritual lives.
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A lot goes into a thriving marriage. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kaleb Beyer uses the research of Dr. John Gottman to place his finger on the components of a marriage that not only lasts, but flourishes.
View the Sound Relationship House Model here
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What is normal? In a world of air brushing and curated content, it can be illusive. Yet, having a good compass toward knowing normal goes a long way toward good mental health. Studies have shown that supernormal stimuli can have a damaging effect on our brains. In this episode of Breaking Bread, addiction specialist, Jacob Feucht, teaches us what supernormal stimuli are, how to spot them and unwind their influence.
Show Notes:
Definition:
Supernormal Stimulus – Exaggerated characteristics in normal stimuli.
Problem:
Studies have shown that humans can begin to crave what is not natural or real at the expense of what is natural and real.
Examples:
Diet: We can crave unnatural foods at the expense of natural foods.
Attention: We can crave unnatural rapidity of stimuli and addict ourselves to distraction because we resist the “slowness” of reality.
Pornography: We crave sexual stimuli and addict ourselves to unnatural characteristics at the expense of healthy biblical sexual relations.
Healthy living:
Seek after, linger in and live in the real world. Learn to love what God created and what He created them for.
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Bullying is as old as the hills. Yet it has gained more thoughtful attention in recent days. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Craig Stickling, a middle school counselor, provides much needed insights into this broken relational posturing between people.
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Conflict does not spell doom in the marriage relationship. However, how we do conflict might. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kaleb Beyer shares four behaviors that need to be avoided when “working things out” with your spouse. Kaleb explains what they are and how they can be avoided.
Show notes:
Four negative behaviors that spell trouble for marriages and how they can be avoided.
Criticism
Criticism often starts with “You.” “You always...” or “You never...” These statements are personal, labeling and strike at the identity of the other.
To avoid criticism, try using “I” statements. These look inward and communicate your reality and surface the need at hand. “I am disappointed that ...”
Defensiveness
Defensiveness often is provoked by criticism and leads to criticism. It denies and shrugs off the need underlying criticism.
To avoid defensiveness, accept the reality of the other. Take responsibility for your part in the conflict.
Contempt
Contempt is disdain for the other. An inner dialogue that is continually negative. It can grow out of unrelenting criticism over time.
To avoid contempt, friendship needs to be nurtured and grown.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when the nervous system is so heightened reasoning goes “offline.” Individuals experience a “flooding” of the senses in a way that shuts them down.
To avoid stonewalling, take 20 minutes of body and mental calming.
Note: These negative behaviors have been highlighted from the research work of Dr. John Gottman.
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Both the secular and the religious tout mindfulness and meditation. It’s no wonder, because they promise a great deal of health to the one who practices them. Does mindfulness and mediation, however, look the same across the secular and religious worldviews? To answer this question, Kaleb Beyer and Isaac Funk speak to both the therapeutic and Christian uses of these practices.
Show Notes:
Mindfulness – attentive to the present moment.
Meditation – focused attention.
Therapeutically these practices help a person have cognitive flexibility. The freedom to allow more into their experience than the one painful script that is running. In this way, mindfulness and meditation help a person uncouple themselves from mental distress in such a way that allows for a felt reality that is informed by accuracy and truth.
Spiritually, in a Christian sense, this uncoupling allows for a recoupling with God. The goal is not a disembodied state nor an abandonment of self. It is not an emptying but a filling. Not defined by absence but by presence. It allows for a life to be lived with God in the body and in the mind.
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Sadness is a universal emotion that touches every life. Life's challenges often bring moments of deep sorrow. As Christians, how can we navigate these feelings while staying anchored in God's promises? Whether you're in the midst of sadness or supporting a loved one through their struggles, this episode offers encouragement as you seek to find God's light in the midst of dark days.
Sadness is an uncomfortable emotion that alerts us of a loss.
Sadness is an important emotion that prompts us to grieve.
Grief is the process we walk through to make peace with our loss.
Grief is unique to the individual but has a few common elements.
Protest – fighting with the loss.
Despair – mourning the loss.
Grief ends with acceptance of the loss.
Healthy living includes walking forward with both the loss and the sadness. Alowing these to be a lifegiving present feature in your life.
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Children love to grow. They know it is slow. They know it is for the better. Adults sometimes lose the growth mindset that children have. We forget that growth is for us too. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Isaac Funk and Arlan Miller reinvigorate the growth mindset for the spiritual life.
Spiritual Growth – Becoming more like Jesus. Growth Mindset – Understanding our responsibility and capability to improve. Spiritual Growth Mindset – Understanding our responsibility and capability to improve into more Christlikeness. -
Words said, cannot be unsaid. They remain. When these words come from a place of goodness, this has beautiful consequences. However, when they come from a place of malintent, they can have devastating consequences. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Craig and Jacki Stickling take up the topic of gossip and give us timely warning and instruction.
Show notes:
Bridling the tongue is a learned skill. It is a matter of deep transformation in our hearts. The mature believer learns how to THINK before they speak:
T – speaking Truth.
H – using words that are Helpful.
I – using speech to Inspire.
N – saying those things that are Necessary.
K – always being Kind.
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The truth was too shameful, and the feelings were too painful. So, Mark and Marti locked up their teenage secret in a box never to be opened. But as Christ so lovingly does, he has been gently opening the box and letting his light in. The effect has been beauty and healing in the most unlikely place. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Mark and Marti Teubel share their post-abortion story.
Show notes:
Post-abortive care includes caring for the living victims of abortion – Mom and Dad.
Many moms and dads carry the wounds of loss, regret and shame for decades after their abortion.
The unique pain that moms and dads carry is the hindered ability to grieve loss and heartache in their families. They erroneously tell themselves, “I can’t grieve this loss because I caused that loss.” Or “This pain is retribution for my actions.”
Abortion influences how moms and dads parent. They desperately want to prove that they are “good” parents.
Good post-abortive care is available. Deeper Still is one such resource.
Deeper Still | find freedom from your abortion wounded heart
Learn more about the Haven Retreat mentioned in the podcast at the link below.
Home | HAVEN Retreats
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When Jesus stooped to embrace the children, it was quite shocking to his disciples. That Jesus would give his precious time to this subgroup was quite remarkable. And then he said the unthinkable... “you must become as these.” By this statement, Jesus was saying that we should not only stop and acknowledge the children, but moreover, look up to them! Esteem them as God image-bearers that have a lot to teach us adults. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Amy Mammadov and Brian Sutter teach us what these little ones can teach us.
Show notes:
Children have a lot to teach us.
Where adults can become ridged, children remain flexible - teaching us to “let go.”
Where adults can become high maintenance, children remain bless-able - teaching us how to receive blessings.
Where adults can be pretentious, children remain genuine - teaching us how to live honestly in the world.
Where adults emphasize usefulness, children emphasize enjoyment - teaching us how to live joyfully.
Where adults have an eye toward “doing”, children have an eye toward “being” - teaching us how we should view ourselves.
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Play lies at the center of life for a child, and it should. In this episode of Breaking Bread, Amy Mammadov, a speech language pathologist, along with Brian Sutter, shine light on this important aspect of human growth and development. Additionally, parents should encourage, teach, evaluate and share in the enjoyment of play with our children.
Show notes:
Encourage Play:
Play is critical in the development of language, thought and human relations.
Teach Play:
The norms and technology of the day have stunted play. Some children need to be taught how to play.
Evaluate Play:
Not all play is equal. Many toys and forms of amusement today are adult directed play. Child directed play, on the other hand, provides rich areas of growth and potential.
Utilize Play:
Playing with your child gives you insights into where they are developmentally and provides an opportunity to model healthy reasoning.
Share in the enjoyment of play:
Shared enjoyment is key. If play is anything at all, it is fun. Parents are encouraged to connect with their children at the level of shared fun.
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Exploration is a prerequisite to having a settled identity. For parents with kids unsettled and exploring, this can be a frightening time. What role do we play in the exploration process? In this episode of Breaking Bread, Kathy Knochel and Brian Sutter will help us sort it out.
Show notes:
Identity:
Is the sense of self – Who I am and who I am not.
Identity Formation:
Starts with exploration and ends with commitment.
Exploration is trying, investigating, experiencing, researching.
Commitment is being settled, resolved and grounded.
Identity Culture in “the west”:
It is constructed individually. This means that the community has a limited influence on placing an identity on an individual. Rather, the individual has the ownness of discovering and embracing their identity.
Challenge:
Our young people are saddled with the task of sorting out their identity for themselves.
Angst:
Watching young people explore their identity.
Opportunity:
Support and guide exploration in community.
As possible, try not to rigidly force closure on those in the exploration phase. Rather, have dialogue that prompts healthy exploration. Thoughtful open-ended questions, and critical thinking prompts are necessary to guide wise investigation.
Have patience in the process with a goal to maintain relationship.
Fear:
Suppose an unwise identity is chosen?
Remember: Where there is life, there is experience. Where there is experience, there is exploration. Where there is exploration, there is hope yet for a good commitment.
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We all know that the body is made up of different members. Members one of another. The hand needs the foot. The eye needs the ear. But even more profound than these examples is the uncommon humility that my non-dominate left hand has with my dominate right. Similar in frame and made to do everything the right hand can… it performs well, but not as well. Yet it serves my body selflessly and without dissention. In this podcast we will listen and learn from our non-dominate hands a lesson on cooperation and being a member one of another.
An Imagined Interview with my Left Hand:
Me: When did you learn that I was going to be what they call “right-handed?”
Left-hand: I learned this early. I noticed you were using the right hand to lead and do the more sensitive tasks.Me: Do you compare yourself with the right?
Left-hand: I don’t. My right hand does his job so well, and I’m glad. I do my job well.Me: What do you understand your job to be?
Left-hand: My job is to be a good left-hand complement to the right-hand.Me: How do you understand your relationship to be with the right-hand?
Left-hand: I don’t see myself separate from my right-hand. We are of the same body. Everything we do separately or together comes from you and is for you. You get the credit for anything we do, and you should.Me: Do you get jealous of the right hand?
Left-hand: No, not at all. I know you are pleased with me and that’s all that matters. -
The Christian life has music interwoven into its fabric. We use it to worship God. We are instructed to sing. It should not be surprising then to learn that music has the potential to benefit the mind and emotion. In this episode, music therapist Nick Lanz gives us tips on how to use music therapeutically.
Show notes:
Music Therapy: The clinical & evidence-based use of music interventions to accomplish individualized goals within a therapeutic relationship by a credentialed professional who has completed an approved music therapy program.
What do music therapists do?
Assess emotional well-being, physical health, social functioning, communication abilities, and cognitive skills through musical responses.
Design music sessions for individuals and groups based on client needs using various musical interventions.
Participate in interdisciplinary treatment planning, ongoing evaluation, and follow up.
Music therapy interventions for mental health can address a variety of healthcare & educational goals:
Develop healthy coping skills
Identify/express/explore emotions
Process trauma
Improve depressive symptoms
Decrease anxiety/agitation
Promote relaxation
Promote positive thinking/self-esteem
Develop sense of belonging/community
Promote positive social interaction/group cohesion
Address loneliness, grief, loss and stigma that persist despite treatment
Develop independence/decision-making skills
Manage stress
Promote wellness
“Music therapists use music to accomplish non-musical goals.”
There are four main approaches:
Receptive
Music listening
Song discussion/lyric analysis
Music-assisted relaxation/progressive muscle relaxation
Can also include music for sleep
Movement & music
Bonny Method of Guided Imagery & Music (requires post-graduate training)
Re-creative
Instrument instruction
Instrument playing
Sing-along
Recording sessions
Compositional
Therapeutic songwriting (multiple methods)
Improvisational
Instrumental/vocal improvisation
Drum circle/instrumental circle (groups)
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The question before every human being is not if they have pain, but rather, what they do with the pain that they have. Some people make peace with their pain. Unfortunately, many do not. In this Breaking Bread two-part series, Brian Sutter and Kaleb Beyer help us understand what making peace with pain means, why it is important and how to do it.
Show notes:
What does making peace with pain mean?
Answer: Making peace with pain happens when we change our relationship with pain. Instead of orbiting the pain, we are freed from the unhealthy attachment we have with it. While pain may remain, we are able to live with it as a part of our story but it does not govern our identity. Pain has its proper effect on our lives - not too much, yet not ignored.
Why is making peace with pain important?
Answer: Pain unattended has a tendency to generate unhealthy attachments in our lives. We orbit closely to the pain. Some will try to soothe the pain by unhealthy means. Others will over identify with the pain. Still others will expend tremendous energies to change circumstances to make the pain go away. As a result, we become less responsive to our present lives because pain management requires so much attention. We don’t live well now.
How do we know if there is pain in our lives for which peace needs to be made?
Answer: If we have a past relationship with our pain and not a present relationship we may need to make peace with pain. This can be seen in our response to present circumstances. For example, if we react to present circumstances inappropriately, our past pain may be speaking.
How do we make peace with pain?
Answer: We make peace with pain by first understanding that God is present with us in our pain. We are not alone. Alowing yourself to sit with God in your pain is a healthy exercise. Next, acceptance will need to be practiced. Acceptance is letting go of circumstances that are not and will not be. It includes a trust that God loves you, is good and sees a wider expanse. For some pain, forgiveness will need to be extended to the offending parties.
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The question before every human being is not if they have pain, but rather, what they do with the pain that they have. Some people make peace with their pain. Unfortunately, many do not. In this Breaking Bread two-part series, Brian Sutter and Kaleb Beyer help us understand what making peace with pain means, why it is important and how to do it.
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One of the pains of parenting is watching your children make poor choices. What should we do when there is not much we can do? In this episode of Breaking Bread, Brian Sutter and Craig Stickling speak to the do’s and don’ts of parenting through these challenges.
Show Notes:
So your child made the wrong decision. Remember this Mom and Dad:
Hang in there with them.
Protect your relationship with them.
Have a posture of grace with them.
Be learners together.
Allow natural consequences to teach.
Help them learn from their decisions.
Speak truth in love.
Don’t over personalize their decision.
Lean on the larger community to speak truth into their life.
Give it time.
Trust in prayer.
- Visa fler
