Avsnitt
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Full podcast with links to available poster artwork: https://johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/p/podcast-every-clock-is-a-handgun-2ee
Sensory-Friendly Discussion & Summary: https://notebooklm.google.com/notebook/30720fb4-dab4-48b9-873f-90ec1ac03b88/audio
Transcript:
Autistic Spoken Word: Every Clock Is a Handgun Pointed at My Head
This spoken word on my autistic experience of time contains triggering topics. If you are sensitive to frank discussion of abuse, I created a sensory-friendly audio summary. Link in description (https://notebooklm.google.com/notebook/30720fb4-dab4-48b9-873f-90ec1ac03b88/audio) Every clock is a handgun pointed at my head THREE Every clock is a handgun pointed at my head Every tick, tickā¦ fucking tick Tolling Fear, Doomā¦ dread Click. Slide. Cockā¦ click. Every night a mantra echoes through my head TV staticā¦ a crazy-making hum Singing Dream, Dremptā¦ deadā¦ Not done. Not done. Not doneā¦ undone. 10, 9, 8ā¦ Dread 7, 6, 5ā¦ Fear 4, 3, 2ā¦ BEEP. Shoot the moonā¦ or the country next door Countdown. Deadline. Bow downā¦ dead. Bound behind doors, bound in my head Pace, paces, pacingā¦ paced Every BEEP. Of the phone. Stopsā¦ my heart. . . . I crash out with a scream for escape TWO Woods Deep woods Deepest woods My ears fly from bird song to bird song. A raptor circles then spirals Crossing lines now dead Wind steals my breath Taking words never said This skin bag of atmosphere Breathes new air When the sun rises First it is cool Then it gets warm The day passes Clouds above my head. Shaped by wind Outside my body The same wind Inside my body The same wind Yetā¦ ONE 10, 9, 8ā¦ Dread 7, 6, 5ā¦ Fear 4, 3, 2ā¦ BEEP. Shoot the moonā¦ or the country next door Countdown. Deadline. Bow downā¦ dead. Every clock is a handgun pointed at my head ZERO
This is a public episode. If youād like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe -
Hey! Iām Johnny Profaneā¦ back after a 6-month bout of the "shys" to launch Season 5 of AutisticAF Out Loud.
Missed you guysā¦
But I'm here now, at least for the moment... Let's do something great with that moment, shall we?
This seems like the perfect occasion to talk about Timeā¦ and how it passes. A crucial topicā¦ whether youāre autistic or ADHD, wonder if you are, have kids or a loved one, work with some, or work to support usā¦
I want to give you my experience of autistic time. Which is not chained to clocks or calendars. And different enough from what most folks expectā¦ that Iāve struggled for two yearsā¦ just to use my words.
So Iāve turned to art. Which is both adult and intense at pointsā¦
Some of the images are available as posters. And stick around to the end for a special AI-generated treat. Google's NotebookLM creates a lively dialogue between two AI commentators to break down the key ideasā¦ especially for non-autistics. It's like having digital study buddies to help process all this time-bending stuff!
Every clock is a handgun pointed at my head
III
Every clock is a handgun pointed at my headEvery tick, tickā¦ fucking tickTolling Fear, Doomā¦ dreadClick. Slide. Cockā¦ click.
Every night a mantra echoes through my headTV staticā¦ a crazy-making humSinging Dream, Dremptā¦ deadā¦Not done. Not done. Not doneā¦ undone.
10, 9, 8ā¦ Dread7, 6, 5ā¦ Fear4, 3, 2ā¦ BEEP.Shoot the moonā¦ or the country next doorCountdown. Deadline. Bow downā¦ dead.
Bound behind doors, bound in my headPace, paces, pacingā¦ pacedEvery BEEP.Of the phone.Stopsā¦my heart. . . . I crash out with a scream for escape
II
Woods
Deep woods
Deepest woods
My ears flyfrom bird songto bird song.
A raptor circles then spiralsCrossing lines now deadWind steals my breathTaking words never said
This skin bag of atmosphereBreathes new air
When the sun risesFirst it is coolThen it gets warmThe day passes
Clouds above my head.Shaped by wind
Outside my bodyThe same wind
Inside my bodyThesamewind
Yetā¦
I
10, 9, 8ā¦ Dread7, 6, 5ā¦ Fear4, 3, 2ā¦ BEEP.Shoot the moonā¦ or the country next doorCountdown. Deadline. Bow downā¦ dead.
Every clock is a handgun pointed at my head
zero
The MÄori must be a wise people. They really get autistic time.
Or at least, Keri Opai did back in 2017. Thatās when he coined their new dictionary entry for autism, TakiwÄtanga, āin his or her own time and space.ā
Keri is an author, educator, and social activist. He certainly knew of the Western Medical Model of autism. Butā¦ it seems, Keriās childhood pal, Peter, was autistic. So Keri just could not bring himself to define us as broken.
No medical pathology in Keriās words. No disabling pity. Rather, respect. Even admirationā¦
He, and his people, saw what many of us feel. Our deep connection with natural rhythms. Our walk through the world at our own pace. On our own path. Maybe in our own dimensions of time & space.
TakiwÄtanga. A dictionary definition born out of love. It captures the heart of my autistic life ā a different walk through time and space.
Reflecting on Keri's compassionate wisdomā¦ My guess is that the MÄoris, at least, are glad we're on the planet. Not because of our needs. Because of our contributions. Rooted in our different perceptions, our outsider experiences.
Letās dive deeper into MÄoris, autism, and our journey through time perception. After this quick word, got bills to payā¦
[ad]This podcast is supported solely by listeners like you. We believe no one should have to pay to be autistic. Which is why we offer all our autistic information for free. To ensure this resource remains available for those who can't afford it, consider choosing a paid subscription at johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com. Link in the description.
So, maybe the MÄoris offer the understanding we autistics need. But Western science still struggles to catch up. Their āAutistic Spectrumā? A laundry list of supposed problemsā¦ like āTime Blindness.ā Only a problem from an ableist point of view. In an industrialist society.
Problems that might be strengths in a different time, a different place.
Try as I might, I could never measure my time by checking off boxes under āGoals Met.ā Like how many widgets I punch out each hour. Which has nothing to do with my quality of life... which is very much wrapped up in the joy of my process.
Why do I want to make you feel how I experience time as an autistic person? How can we understand each other... care for each other... if we don't explore each other?
Why do I use art? Because research trends and terms change with the times... like all things human made. I could wave my hands and quote āneuroplasticityā & āquantum effectsā all day and into the night. But that would negate my words in a few years. When the whole research paradigm changesā¦ yet again.
But raw human experience endures. Soā¦ I offer you poetry. Soā¦ I offer you images.Soā¦ I welcome you into my world.
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Right up front, every timeā¦
We autistics are not all the same.
Example: Most folks know autistic kids and adults may have sensory differences. What most donāt know? Some of us are not overwhelmed by loud noise, bright lights, big crowds.Some of us are exhilaratedā¦ by them.And someā¦ like meā¦ experience a bit of bothā¦
So then, what do we share in common as autists? An UN-common sensitivity and reaction to extreme sensory input. Yet, we respond in individual waysā¦ because weāve lived different lives.
Keep that in mind as I discuss my personal experiences of time, memoryā¦ thought. Both research and personal stories show we autists experience time in ways uncommon for most humans.
But each of us experiences time differently. Even as polar opposites.
In My Autistic Time
Want me for dinner? I may bust a gut to please you. AND yetā¦
Iāll end up mumbling some variation of āI have no freaking clue how so much time could have passed... um, again.ā
But get me focusedā¦ particularly on my passionsā¦ writing or music?I effortlessly monitorā¦ fractions of a second...To hit preciselyā¦The right hesitationā¦ of that oneā¦ musical note.Or the perfect comboā¦ of word choiceā¦ and white spaceā¦That.Makesā¦The phrase.
Now, weirdly, any period much longer than a day? All kinda melts together. I can forget to send in a vital Social Security form, thinking, āI just got it yesterday. I still got timeā¦ā Weeks later. Months later. Too much laterā¦
Or I might pick up a convo in mid-sentence when I see a friend. From the last time I saw him. Which coulda been two jobsā¦ and a career or so... ago.
Like I have one button on my clock, āNOW.ā And for bonus points, its alarm function has no mega-freaking clueā¦ How long it takes to complete any task invented by any human.At any time in history.Or any space weāve ever occupied.
"Sure, hon, Iāll make dinner tonight! That fake rice-a-roni I make takes 14 minutes to boil. Iāll see ya in about 20.ā
One annoyed emoji and an hour laterā¦
š¤¬
I thumb-type back,
"Oh, my g-d! Never takes this long. Sorry, BRT.ā
So, mebbe you think you can help me out with my little schedule problem. Say, give me a time limit? A gentle reminder?
Which makes my brain freeze. Then, my heart follows. Ass remaining firmly implanted in front of some screen or other.
Planning? Keeping commitments? Deadlines? Family life? Education? Jobs? CAREERSā¦?
Howām I supposed to pull ANY of those off?
Did I mention there were just two things that almost kept me out of kindergarten? Sure, the āTying Your Shoesā gotcha. But, omfg, learning to read a clock?
Civilized time requires commitment, plans, deadlines, goals, milestones, and you know, actual productionā¦
Letās say, Iāve burned through dozens of jobsā¦ average lifespan less than 6 months.At least 6 careersā¦ average span a year or two.Marriagesā¦ 3. Letās say, we just donāt go thereā¦
Civilized time is beyond me.
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Why? Letās Explore Autistic Dark Timeā¦
Einstein broke the news. Time is relative. For all of us. He said time is a measure of the curvature of space-time between two eventsā¦ basically. Different in different places, depending on how fast youāre moving at the timeā¦Physics says, heās right.So far.At least if youāre bigger than an atom.Most placesā¦ That we know aboutā¦
And it seems as if most humans who I know, in their own way also measure time by events. What happened. How often. How much a month is this gonna cost me...?
But my autistic time isnāt a measure of events and the distances between them. I measure the depth of feeling and its quality as those events unfold. From highs to lows. From joy... to pain.
Itās like most humans experience time and space the way Newton or Einstein would. According to elegant rulesā¦ in precisely measurable dimensionsā¦filled with matter, energy, and consumable products.
Doesnāt matter how you measure it. Either Imperial OR metric units make equal senseā¦if youāre punching out widgets.With guys carrying stopwatches hovering and lurking in the shadowsā¦ counting your pieces per hour.Every bit of that modern industrial world makes senseā¦ in that scene.Convenience packaging.Fast food.Microwaves... Low monthly payments.Superhighways.This season's fashions.Time-limited sales.Slip on shoes.No-iron shirts.āSkip adā buttonsā¦
But me? Iām stuck in some quantum world with weird dimensionsā¦ like āspinā & ācharmā... Things you cannot count on the factory floor.
It could be that Joy quarks ... like Light quarksā¦ can be waves or they may be particles. But they certainly disappear if you observe them too closelyā¦
Time doesnāt flow smoothly for me.
Itās more like waves and troughs.
If Iām interested in what youāre saying, what Iām readingā¦ hours fly by. In fact, if Iām really into my passionā¦ painting, cooking, whatevā¦ time has no meaning. Iām outside of time. In a place indistinguishable fromā¦ Joy.
But boredom?A slow, annoyinghands-and-knees crawlacross wooden schoolroom floor boardsā¦taking secret, furtive over-the-shoulder glancesat a second handstubbornlysweeping.
So, depression, anxietyā¦ DEADLINES? They grind out, second by agonizing second, in my gut.
My very definition ofā¦ Dread.
Now, shoehorn my autistic experience into your punchclock world.
I'm autistic. Pretty sure ADHD, too. In my 70s, every ticking second is a countdown to some duty, obligation, deadline... deathā¦
No. That's a lie.
Reality? Hours of numbness... obsessively flicking through screens... frightened to look away and notice the time of day... the season.Leading to days of dull semi-awareness... punctuated by trips to the bathroom. Between delivered pizzas.And moments of terror when despite my best dim-witted efforts, I see 9:27 out of the corner of my eye. And the sun screams,
"Hey, it's morning. You gotta get going. You got stuff to do."
Or maybe it's 3:19 am. So the moon shames me with,
"Well, there goes another day you didn't meet expectations."
Every timepiece I can remember was like a prison guard's gun... the real power enforcing order.The calendar that told the doctor that 2 weeks late is too long... so he forced my delivery with forceps.Or the school bell that announced precisely when I must be silent... or pee.The alarms shrieking at the factory door.Time clocks measuring the distance to starvation.Calendars counting days til the next vacation, back to school, parental promotion... and move to a new town.Report cards.Bank clocks, clock towers and multiple-choice testsā¦ all counting down seconds to disaster.
Procrastinationā¦ The Black Hole I Hide in
Let me take you into a moment that captures the essence of my struggle with time. Circling around a pizzaā¦ that American Icon of Hurry-Up-and-Wait Fast Food Frenzyā¦
"Where's the waitress...???"
I glance at the watch on my wrist. Again. A plaintive cry in my headā¦
"That paper was due a WEEK ago..."
I'm sitting in a pizza joint. On an old-skool tubular steel and fiberglass chair. Dirty, glaringly orange, butt killer. The kind grade schools stacked against walls... back before Kennedy was shot.
"Fuck. I wanted a pizza cuz it thought it'd be fast..."
I'm checking the clock robotically every few minutes. It's like 9 at night. The grad school prof believed in me. He knew I needed an A for my GPA. Promised he wouldn't mark me down for lateness. IF it was my usual quality. AND I get my 10 pages inā¦
āBefore class. Tomorrow. 10 am.ā Tapping his watch. āNo excuses.ā
I had a great topicā¦ "Challenges of Cognitive Therapy for Middle-Old Senior Clients." BUT I couldn't make it come. Hadn't even started. I paced for hours in my apartment. Nothing. Zip. NADA.
So, my bright idea?
āI know, walk the 4 blocks and grab a quick slice. Kill two birds. Get my blood pumping. Get dinner outta the way. Iāll write all night if I gottaā¦ When I get home.ā
An hour and a half later, after waitress delays, problems with the credit card, bumping into that classmate I couldnāt duckā¦ As I trudge home on drizzly Albany streets, my new planā¦?
āUm, Iāll get up at 5 am. Pump out a page an hourā¦ Heāll still take itā¦ if I skate into class at the last minute.ā
Right. Couple weeks laterā¦ I get The Letter.
ā¦after careful consideration by the full Committeeā¦. blah-blah-blah-de-blah-BLAHā¦. Effective immediately withdrawn from the Graduate program and cease issuing your stipend.
Butā¦ Pizza? Save time? Prioritize?! Every link in my logic made so much senseā¦ at the Time. It always does. Til I look back. And feel stupid.
I can never be certain of any commitment I makeā¦ no matter how heavily they weigh on me. Even ones that kill paychecks. Kill careers. Destroy marriages.
Even the most dear ones that I make to myself. My dreams. How much does a dream weigh? Enough to slump shoulders apparently.
And strangely? Even more as they dieā¦
The Spin-Charm of My Emotional Experience
But out of this Time Stream Meltdown chaos, I glimpse a different way of being. A rhythm more in tune with my Autistic+ADHD nature.
See, this is what Iāve come to believe. Time-centered agony is not my natural state. Not in the environment I was built forā¦ the Pre-Industrialā¦ In the life I was designed to liveā¦ before Henry Fordās punch clockā¦
Because in the world I was born foryou don't need a watch, an alarm, a daily plannernot even a Bible, self-help bookā¦ or scholarās studyto know when the sun riseswhen to eatwhen to peewhen to pick berries on the fence row when the sun setswhen to sleep.
My natural state is thisā¦
When the sun risesFirst it is coolThen it gets warmThe day passes
Clouds above my head.Shaped by wind
Outside my bodyThe same wind
Inside my bodyThesamewind
Out of the Blueā¦ and into the Blackā¦ Data
From my lived experience to the lab: What does Science say about autistic time?
I only know my personal experience. So it seems only fair... I must give you highlights of current research on autistic and neurodivergent time. Notes in āReferences and Further Readingā in the description.
* Research on time perception in autistic individuals shows mixed results. Some studies show autistic differences. Some donāt. Particularly when it comes to complex tasks. But the complexity of the task may influence time perception differences.
* A study in 2022 found there were no notable differences for autistic adults. At least not in interval and event timing judgments. This challenges the notion that autistic individuals sense time differently.
* Research suggests autistic folks may struggle synchronizing the passage of time. When matching visual and auditory stimuli.
* Encyclopedic Overview. The article "Time Experience in Autism Spectrum Disorder" discusses theories of time perception in autism.
* Controversial Sources. Note that sources like Autism Speaks are controversial in the neurodiversity community. Their research is included for completeness. But perhaps be cautious.
So after trying to use my words for 2 yearsā¦to just explain...
Word after word after sentence after paragraph after pageā¦ utterly failing to strike at the heart of they call my Time Blindness, my Time Trauma, or what I focus onā¦ my Time Joyā¦
I offer you simply thisā¦
My art.
I have no agenda. I have no tips to give you. So I offer my lifeā¦ Take what you can use. And leave the rest.
Timeās short. And it moves in one direction. Always shorter.
Outro
Funny how time works ā 7 decades in, and my autistic experience keeps evolving. Variable ability? It's a whole new ballgame in your golden years. Not just about skills anymore ā it's about navigating each day's random landscape. Joy and autism, they're still my constant companions, even if they wear different masks now. Stay tuned ā I've got more to share about this wild ride through time.
Google NotebookLM Podcast Summary
Hey everyone, welcome back for another deep dive. Hi. There are you ready to explore the experience of time itself? I'm intrigued because we were diving into your source material today, going deep into excerpts from pasted text. Specifically, we're looking at a podcast transcript called every clock is a handgun in my autistic time, by Johnny profane. And let me tell you, profane who identifies as both autistic and ADHD, really doesn't hold back. Trust me, this deep dive is about way more than just autism. It makes us think about everything we think we know about what time even is. Wow. Yeah, it's a fascinating one. And to help unpack the science and the wider implications of profanes experiences, we're joined by, well, an expert in, well, you could say neuroscience, but really in the experience of time itself. Happy to be here. Thanks for joining us. Let's dive right in. So profane starts off with this really powerful metaphor. You know, he says every clock is a handgun pointed at my head. It's such a visceral image. It is, it is like it really gets under your skin, yeah, and he's really talking about that, that feeling of dread, you know that we often kind of associate with deadlines and obligations, that constant pressure of time just measured out in seconds and minutes and hours, palpable, that anxiety just in those words, right? But then profane contrasts this with something totally different when he feels outside of time, totally immersed in joy and flow interesting, almost like what we call a flow state, right? Yeah, yeah, exactly. The feeling of being so engrossed in something that you lose track of everything else, right, time just fades away. And while lots of people experience these flow states, they can be especially intense for neurodivergent individuals. Yeah, and profane actually gives a really relatable example. He talks about struggling with deadlines like this 10 page paper he had to write, and how frustrating it was for both him and the people around him. Sounds like a classic example of what many people with ADHD and autism experience, time blindness, right? A very real struggle to accurately estimate how long tasks will take. And I think it's interesting how profane brings in this Maori concept of takawatanga, meaning in his or her own time and space. It is such a powerful concept, yeah, because it's not just a definition, right? It's a completely different way of looking at neurodiversity as a different way of being, not a deficit. And this idea of takiwa Tonga makes you realize how often we impose our sense of time on others, right, especially in work or school, absolutely. And it begs the question, what if we embraced a more flexible approach, yeah, one that recognizes different rhythms and ways of working. Could that be beneficial for everyone? And this is where things get even more interesting, you know, because profane doesn't just rely on his personal experiences. He actually, like goes into the actual science of autistic time perception, right? Which I thought was really interesting, yeah, he does mention that, you know, the research is still developing, and it can be kind of contradictory, of course, yeah, which is important to keep in mind, right, as we sort of explore this a little bit further. Yeah, it's a complex field, and there's still a lot we're learning about how our brains perceive time. For example, you know, some studies using EEG have shown that autistic individuals, they might process temporal information differently, like, at a neural level, it's like their internal clock is, like wired a bit differently, in a way, yeah. But then, like, profane points out, there are other studies, behavioral studies using tasks like time reproduction and those Haven't you know, consistently found these clear differences between, you know, autistic and non autistic individuals, so it's Yeah, so how do we make sense of that, right? When it seems like those are kind of contradictory findings, right? Well, that's the thing about scientific research, yeah, it's not always a straight line to the answer, right, right, right? So instead of seeing them as contradictions, maybe these findings highlight just how complex the experience of time really is, okay, and it's probably influenced by a whole bunch of factors, both individual and contextual, which makes it a really personal experience. When you think about it, it really makes you kind of go back and think, Huh, you know, maybe we take a lot for granted, yeah? And we're talking about something like time, right? Yeah, which, I guess, leads to the big question, right? Like, why does any of this even matter for those of us listening who, you know, maybe aren't autistic, haven't had that, you know, direct experience with autism, I think that's such an important point to bring up, because one of the biggest takeaways here is, you know, I think it's empathy, yeah, when we really try to understand how other people experience the world differently, even something, you know, as basic as time, yeah, it allows us to connect on this whole other level, yeah, yeah, like we're stepping outside of ourselves for a minute, exactly, seeing things through someone else's eyes, right? And I think, you know, profanes experiences really challenge us. Yeah?
#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. To leave a one-time tip of any amount, please visit Ko-Fi.
#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. To leave a one-time tip of any amount, please visit Ko-Fi.
Key Takeaways (summary by Perplexity)
* Time Perception and Anxiety The poem vividly depicts the intense anxiety many autistic individuals experience around time and deadlines. Lines like "Every clock is a handgun pointed at my head" and the countdown sequence illustrate how time pressure can feel threatening and overwhelming. For many autistic people, difficulties with time perception and executive functioning can make deadlines and time management extremely stressful. The ticking clock becomes a source of dread rather than a neutral tool.
* Sensory Sensitivities The poem references sensory experiences like "TV static" and a "crazy-making hum", highlighting how autistic individuals often have heightened sensory sensitivities. Sounds or stimuli that may not bother others can be intensely distracting or distressing.
* Need for Nature and Sensory Regulation The second part of the poem describes being in nature, with vivid sensory details about birds, wind, and clouds. Many autistic people find nature soothing and use it for sensory regulation and stress relief. The contrast between the anxious first section and calmer nature section illustrates this.
* Internal Experience vs. External Pressures The poem juxtaposes the speaker's internal sensory world with external pressures like deadlines. This reflects how autistic individuals often experience a disconnect between their internal experiences and external expectations.
* Difficulty with Change and Transitions The abrupt shifts between sections and the countdown sequences may represent the challenges many autistic people face with changes and transitions. Moving between different mental states or environments can be jarring.
* Intense Emotions and Experiences The vivid, intense language throughout the poem reflects how many autistic individuals experience emotions and sensations very intensely. What may seem minor to others can feel overwhelming. In summary, this poem powerfully conveys common autistic experiences around time perception, anxiety, sensory sensitivities, and the contrast between internal experiences and external pressures. It highlights the intense and often overwhelming nature of these experiences for many autistic individuals.
References & Further Reading:
Neither exhaustive nor comprehensive. Articles that made me think.
1. Autism Research - Systematic Reviewhttps://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6852160/
2. APA - Time Perception Study 2022https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2022-55325-001
3. Spectrum News - Time Perceptionhttps://www.spectrumnews.org/news/time-perception-problems-may-explain-autism-symptoms/
4. Encyclopedia of Autism Spectrum Disorders - Time Experiencehttps://link.springer.com/10.1007/978-1-4614-6435-8_102354-1
5. Spectrum News - Time is a Slippery Concept(https://www.spectrumnews.org/opinion/for-people-with-autism-time-is-slippery-concept/
6. PubMed - Study on Complex Taskshttps://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31336032/
7. Wiley Online Library - Research Articlehttps://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/aur.2170
#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. To leave a one-time tip of any amount, please visit Ko-Fi.
This is a public episode. If youād like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe -
Saknas det avsnitt?
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An Example of Exclusive Subscriber Contentā¦ Raw, Real, Authentic.
Iām letting my one austic voice do all the talking this time. I kinda like that.
AutisticAF Out Loud - One Autistic Voice. Hmmā¦
Hereās my first thank you.
My first real attempt at being live on camera.
Itās an autistic thing. No mask. No cosplay. I explain after you hit the buttonā¦.
Anyway, this oneās for you. All the subscribers. You were here before I had the spoons to make it happen.
Now that Iām on the mend, I intend to make the most of subStack for you.
Promise.
-Johnny
This is a public episode. If youād like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe -
Shattering Neurodivergent Stereotypes: A Raw Dialogue for Tomorrow's Generations
Description: Embark on a transformative journey with Johnny Profane in this compelling episode of AutisticAF Out Loud, titled "Actually Autistic? Whatever Doesn't Kill Your Unique Neurodivergent Assā¦". This conversation goes beyond dismantling societal myths and stereotypes about neurodivergence; it's a call to action for creating a more understanding and inclusive culture for neurodivergent children and future generations.
Beyond the Success Myth: Delve into the often overlooked struggles against poverty and trauma, as Johnny shares insights from his own life, challenging the glossy narratives that dominate mainstream discussions about neurodivergence.
Debunking Harmful Ideologies: This episode takes a critical stance against toxic positivity and the misleading belief that adversity naturally breeds strength, offering a more nuanced view of the neurodivergent experience.
The Truth About Disability: Moving past the inspirational narrative, Johnny discusses the real, day-to-day challenges faced by neurodivergent individuals, debunking myths of hidden superpowers in favor of a more grounded understanding.
Critiquing Consumer Culture: Explore how consumer culture perpetuates dissatisfaction and alienation, particularly affecting those who feel marginalized, and discuss the importance of fostering a culture that values individuals for who they are, not what they consume.
Valuing True Resilience: Celebrate the authentic resilience and strength within the neurodivergent community, recognizing the courage it takes to navigate a world that often seems indifferent or hostile to their needs.
Crafting a Future of Inclusion: Highlighting the episode's closing message, Johnny Profane emphasizes the importance of building a supportive, inclusive culture that honors neurodivergent experiences. This isn't just about challenging stereotypes; it's about laying the groundwork for a world where neurodivergent children can grow up feeling valued, understood, and empowered.
A Call to Create Change: Engage in this critical dialogue not just as listeners, but as active participants in shaping a more inclusive future. This episode is an invitation to everyoneāparents, educators, alliesāto join in the effort to ensure that the next generation of neurodivergent individuals inherits a culture that celebrates their unique contributions and supports their growth.
Key Insights:
Challenge and redefine the narratives surrounding neurodivergence and disability.
Understand the damaging impact of societal expectations and toxic positivity on neurodivergent individuals.
Acknowledge the real challenges and celebrate the genuine strengths within the neurodivergent community.
Advocate for a shift towards a more inclusive, understanding culture that prepares a better world for neurodivergent children.Join the Movement:
Dive deeper into the conversation about creating a supportive environment for neurodivergent individuals.
Share your insights, experiences, and hopes for the future, contributing to a broader understanding and acceptance.
Be part of the change that ensures a more inclusive world for neurodivergent children and future generations.Themes: Breaking Stereotypes, Authentic Experiences, Inclusive Future
Tags: Neurodivergent Realities, Beyond Disability Myths, Toxic Positivity Critique, Future of Neurodiversity, Inclusive Culture Building, Empowering Neurodivergent Voices, Advocacy for Neurodivergent Children, Autism, Autistic, Actually Autistic, Autism Podcast, Autistic Podcast, Neurodivergent Podcast
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Autistic Authenticity: Navigating Identity and CommunityDescription: Dive into a candid conversation on AutisticAF Out Loud, where we tackle the often blurred lines between being autistic, belonging to identity groups, and maintaining personal integrity. "Autism? It's a State of Being. NOT an Identity Group" serves as a bold reminder that autism is an inherent part of us, not a badge to be worn or a club to join.
Through this episode, we explore the delicate balance between finding community support and preserving our unique autistic identity. We question the constructs of identity groups, challenge the notion of toxic conformity, and celebrate the unapologetic expression of our autistic selves.
Ideal for anyone touched by autism or intrigued by the diversity of human experience, this episode encourages a dialogue about authenticity, resilience, and the journey towards understanding our true selves within the vast spectrum of neurodiversity.
Embracing Authenticity in Neurodiversity
Unveiling the True Self Beyond Autism's Labels
A dive into personal identity amidst the complexities of neurodiversity.
The delicate balance between individuality and community expectations.
Sharing a journey of self-awareness, challenging societal norms, and finding joy in authenticity.
Do you see reflections of your own experiences? Join us as we navigate this personal voyage.Explore the Depths:
A candid examination of autism as an innate aspect of existence, not a societal group.
The transition from external pressures to genuine self-expression within the autistic spectrum.
Discovering moments of genuine self-recognition and the simple pleasures of living authentically.Intrigued by the intricate details? Engage with us as we unravel these layers.
Participate in the Dialogue:
Connect with a narrative that questions mainstream perceptions and honors the diversity of neurodiversity.
Contribute your insights and experiences as we delve into the nuances of authentic autistic living.
Foster a conversation that broadens the understanding and acceptance of neurodiversity.
Inspired by our collective journeys? Let your voice join in and enrich the discourse.Themes: Personal Identity Exploration, Neurodiversity Embrace, Authentic Living
Tags: Autistic Personal Identity, Authentic Neurodiversity Experience, Autism Beyond Labels, Genuine Autistic Expression, Neurodiverse Individuality Insights, Rejecting Conformity in Autism, Celebrating Autistic Authenticity, Embracing Neurodiverse Narratives
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Embracing Autism's Raw Truths in My 70s
Description: Dive deep with Johnny Profane into a journey unlike any otherāa raw, unfiltered exploration of living with autism discovered later in life.
This episode peels back the layers of daily life, challenges, and the unexpected joys found in the simplest moments.
"Facing the reality of autism in my 70s, I share the gritty process of acceptance, the quest for authentic self-expression, and those radiant sparks of joy that light up the path."
If you're seeking a story of real-life resilience, unexpected turns, and the beauty of embracing your true self, join us.
For everyone navigating the complex tapestry of neurodiversity, this conversation is for you.
Let's delve into the heart of autism's challenges and triumphsāno holds barred.
Embracing Autism in My 70s
The awakening to autism's reality after 70 years of life.
The gritty, day-to-day acceptance and the small, radiant joys of being truly oneself.
A personal narrative of discovery, challenge, and the unexpected rewards found in authenticity.
Feel a connection? Reflect on your journey as we delve into mine.Dive Deep to Discover:
An unvarnished look at the late diagnosis and its profound impact.
The journey from societal conformity to embracing a unique autistic identity.
The moments of clarity and joy that illuminate the path of self-discovery.
Curious about the nuances? Join me as we explore the layers.Join the Conversation:
Engage with a story that challenges conventional narratives and celebrates the neurodiverse experience.
Share your thoughts and stories as we explore the complexities of living authentically with autism.
Support a dialogue that elevates understanding and acceptance of neurodiversity.
Moved by our shared stories? Your voice can amplify the message.Themes: Authentic Self-Discovery, Neurodiversity Celebration, Late-Life Awakening
Tags: Autism in Later Life, Late Diagnosis Autism Journey, Embracing Neurodiversity After 70, Authentic Autism Experience, Senior Autistic Self-Discovery, Neurodiverse Life Reflections, Gritty Autism Acceptance, Autistic Joy in Adulthood, Unfiltered Autistic Narrative, Neurodiversity Celebration Stories
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###šļø Unmasking at the Late Night Picture Show: One Autistic's Reckoning
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* One night that demolished a lifetime of conformity
* One bodacious shift... from meditation cult to liberated living
* One tale of indulgence, rebellion & the embrace of an #autistic identity
š Click to witness the transformative night.
###š Tune In to Discover:
* Hear the vivid recount of a night that broke all the rules
* Follow the path from a monk's silence to the kick-ass self-acceptance
* Wrap yourself up in a story that speaks to the heart of #neurodivergence
š Ready for a riveting tale? Hit play.. join an evening of realization.
š§ Engage with Us:
* Discover stories that disrupt the socially approved narrative... and speak to the soul
* Comment & dialog with us as we dissect the layers of an authentic neurodiverse life
* Support our quest to raise up the voices of the #neurodiverse community
šØ Moved by our mission? Subscribe free to our collective journey to authenticity.
š·ļø Tags: #AutismFamily, Autism Family, #NeurodivergentPride, Neurodivergent Pride, #AutismLife, Autism Life, #AutismAcceptance, Autism Acceptance
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šļø Episode Highlights:
The Myth of "You Can Do Anything": An Autistic Lens (Must-listen for adult autistics)The Hidden Costs of Conventional Education on Autistic Lives (Essential for educators)
Curious? Keep listening.š Listen and Learn:
Step into the intricate world of autistic experiences, as Johnny Profane and Theo dissect the failures and biases of the educational system. (A must-hear for mental health professionals)
Intrigued? Hit subscribe to journey with us.š§ Get Involved:
Subscribe for a torrent of insights šŖļø (Highly recommended for parents & families)Comment and enrich our community šØļø (Join the conversation, employers)Support our mission for change š (Partners, this is for you)
Ready to engage? Leave a comment or consider monthly support.š·ļø Tags:
AutismPodcast, AutisticJoy, MentalHealth, Education, SystemFailures
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šļø Inside This Episode:
ā¢ The Hidden World of Theo, a Homeless Autistic... Scholar
ā¢ Privilege vs. Failure: An Autistic Perspective
ā¢ The Raw Essence of Autistic Joy
āCurious? Keep listening to uncover these hidden gems.š Why You Need to Listen:
Step into a realm where societal norms crumble, flashing a spotlight on the true meaning of autistic joy.
This 4-part series on Autistic Education kicks off with Johnny Profane guiding you from the streets of university-town Bloomington to the depths of your own soul.
A must-listen for parents, educators, mental health professionals, and anyone keen on neurodiversity.
šIntrigued? Hit subscribe to journey with us.š§ Engage With Us:
ā¢ Subscribe for an open floodgate of insights š¢
ā¢ Comment and be part of our community šØļø
ā¢ Support us monthly and fuel our mission š
āļøReady to engage? Leave a comment or consider monthly support.š·ļø Tags:
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#AutismPodcast #AutisticJoy #Neurodiversity #MentalHealth #Education
Searching for more? Use these tags to explore related content.
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Perfectionism aināt working for meā¦ maybe not for Autistic AF dot you, either. So hereās something, shall we say, a little ārawerā than my usual /rantā¦
Trascript: https://autisticaf.me/2023/09/29/this-autistics-fantasy-so-he-asks-about-my-history-what-i-told-my-doctor/
#AutisticAF Out Loud Podcast
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Ever been told to ācalm downā? Howād it feel? Well, this autistic feels like exploding!
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:https://autisticaf.me/2023/08/26/calm-down-why-is-this-the-worst-advice-you-can-give-an-autistic-person/
#AutisticAF Out Loud Podcast
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Folks ask about my #neurodivergent marriage.
Ummā¦ over and over. Likeā¦ āIs that even possible?ā
Gotta story for yaā¦
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Transcript: https://autisticaf.me/2023/08/18/neurodivergent-kiss-autistic-fairytale-or-fabulous-marriage/
#AutisticAF Out Loud Podcast
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Season 3's mission? To boldly explore living authentically autistic... out loud. That first story? Carving out a safe space to be our true autistic selves... a big part of that quest.
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Season 3 of AutisticAF Out Loud starts off with 3 new stories:
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1. Living Unmasked Is a Political Act
2. Autism, Love & My Friend Billy: A New Epic Myth
3. Faking Normal: How I Mask My Writing Disorder... to Bring You Autistic Joy
Transcript: https://autisticaf.me/2023/01/07/season-3-love-politics-faking-normal-3-new-autistic-myths/
"Hi! I'm still Johnny.I'm still Profane... AND I'm still here.
Finally... Season 3 of Autistic as Fuck Out Loud!
Why no episodes since Fall? Major burn out. Dog attack injuries. Coupla health scares. Some dark emotions. Exhaustion...
Shut down for 3 months. Then woke up...
So I'm declaring victory... and a new focus. How to live authentically autistic... out loud."
#AutisticAF Out Loud Podcast
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0:00 Intro
0:11 1. Living Unmasked Is a Political Act
1:14 Season 3: Living Autistic Authentically
2:32 2. Autism, Love & My Friend Billy: A New Epic Myth
10:02 3. Faking Normal: How I Mask My Writing Disorder... to Bring You Autistic Joy
17:57 Shoutouts, Coming Next Episode, How You Can Support
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I'm autistic. And I can't DO social groups.
I don't think I'm alone. So, I'm launching a hashtag. #GroupProcessingDisorder.
Transcript: https://autisticaf.me/
#AutisticAF Out Loud Podcast
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Spacing out... Zoning out... Most autists do it... to survive boring conversations, family get-togethers...
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So dissociation's a good thing, Til it starts screwing with living your life. Or sense of reality.
Content note: mild profanity, one bleeped expletive relating to intellecutal disability.
Transcript: https://autisticaf.me/
#AutisticAF Out Loud Podcast
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Wanna know what autistic life is like at 70?
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Joy... and horror.
Transcript: https://autisticaf.me/
#AutisticAF Out Loud Podcast
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Experimenting with a short #AutisticRave format. Let me know if you'd like to see these in the mix for #AutisticAF Out Loud Podcast.
TRANSCRIPT šāļøšš
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TRANSCRIPT
Know what I don't see on #DisabilityTikTokā¦ #DisabilityTwitter?Talk about how the economy is killing disabled folk.
Seeā¦ Inflation isn't inconvenient for the poor & disabled.
It's lost wages. We can't afford gas, childcareā¦ even over-the-counter medicines. And Covid is killing our hours at work.It's hunger. Food is our largest expense after rent. General inflation is around 10%. But our groceries? Up 40%.It's illness. Covid? Monkeypox? We can't call in sick. We can't afford it. And we can't abandon our kids when they're sick.It's homelessness. There's nothing we can afford to rent. Corporations buy up low-cost homes on speculationā¦ creating a housing crisis.And don't get me started on the medical crisis. Lots of places, doctors simply don't accept Medicaid.
Taxpayers pay for our care. Caregivers don't care.
Poor? Disabled? Most autistics are both. AND our invisible disability makes it even harder to get help.
I'm autistic. And I'm fighting to keep my Foodstampsā¦ in the libertarian wilderness we like to call Indiana.
Yay #Hoosiers.
A side noteā¦
I've been homeless three times in my 70-year life. Manhattan once. Bloomington, Indiana twice.
I have some idea just how bad this can get. 61 million disabled adults in America.
It can get bad. Real bad.
Add tagā¦
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This episode I talk aging as an Autistic Elder.
Getting finally diagnosed at 63ā¦ only to face mental decline as I hit 70ā¦?
One Swedish study pegged autistic male lifespan at 53. So I'm living on 17 years of borrowed time, I guessā¦ so far.
If youāre autistic, love one, work with someā¦ or just canāt figure out if you are oneā¦
There's gonna come a time you worryā¦
Real talk. About real life.
Cuz they ain't talking autism in AARPā¦ yet.
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EXPLICIT: some profanity, brief mentions of drug use & suicidality.
Transcript: https://autisticaf.me/2022/06/26/look-doc-you-just-dont-get-autisticjoy
Videocast with captions: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCyhr_MrWVItlwTWODxbZR6A
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Website & all platforms: https://autisticafoutloud.buzzsprout.com
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Finally learning to create a place of safety, peace, and passionate work...
Did more than keep me out of psych wards.
It kept me alive. No joke.
If youāre autistic, love one, work with someā¦ or just canāt figure out if you *are* oneā¦
You really, *really * need to think about where you live...
Videocast with captions: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4TAMoN0j-bE
Transcript:
https://autisticaf.me/2022/05/17/designing-my-home-around-adult-autism-pt-2---7-survival-principles/(opens in a new tab)#AutisticAF Out Loud PodcastListen & Subscribe:
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