Avsnitt
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Play is a powerful tool for parenting & child development.
Mr. Rogers once said “Play is serious learning” and “the work of childhood,” and we and our guest, Georgie Wisen-Vincent, couldn’t agree more.
That’s not to say or imply that play is serious or work in the way that most of adults think of “serious” or “work.” Rather, it’s to underscore the fact that play — as fun as it can be! — is not a frivolity. It’s not trivial or unimportant at all. In fact, it’s absolutely vital for health human development.
“Play is essential for long-term success,” Georgie says. Yet no one really teaches parents how to engage in & support their children’s play. In this episode, we share some fun, easy strategies you can use to play with your kids.
Takeaways:Short moments of play can have significant developmental benefits.Involving children in household tasks can be a form of play.Play helps build emotional connections and communication skills.Using play can make daily routines more enjoyable for families.Children learn empathy and social skills through play. Repetition in play is crucial for neural development.Children often express emotions through playful scenarios.Pretend play allows children to process aggression safely.Joining children in play can ease transitions from screens.Nature provides a nurturing environment for play.Incorporating play into daily life strengthens family bonds.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:The Way of Play: Using Little Moments of Big Connection to Raise Calm, Confident Kids, by Tina Payne Bryson and Georgie Wisen-Vincent
The Center for Connection
PlayStrong Institute
Teacher Tom on Connections & Play-Based Learning – ON BOYS episode
Gun Play & Boys – ON BOYS episode
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Modern male puberty starts sooner than you think.
Boys today may enter puberty as early as age nine. That’s why your 10-year-old’s mood swings might actually be linked to these new hormonal shifts. As Cara Natterson and Vanessa Kroll Bennett point out in their book, This Is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained, the first sign of puberty often comes with a slamming door.
Why Parents Miss the First Signs
Many parents aren’t ready for male puberty. Early physical changes can be subtle, and they usually appear just as boys begin seeking more privacy. According to Vanessa, it’s entirely possible you won’t notice the initial stages of puberty until your son’s behavior shifts dramatically.
When Your 10-Year-Old Acts More Like a Teen
Puberty hormones—mainly testosterone—don’t just change bodies; they shape moods, too. Sudden spikes are associated with outbursts and that well-known “swing to silence” so many adolescent boys display. Pediatrician Cara Natterson explains these hormone surges can escalate and crash within hours, and that emotional roller coaster is often what you see when your son acts like “a jerk.”
They Dislike the Swings, Too
Kids don’t enjoy these wild ups and downs any more than you do. Their brains are awash in hormones they don’t yet know how to handle, causing confusion and moodiness. In addition, boys’ emotional regulation skills aren’t fully developed, which is why parents, teachers, and other adults need to show empathy while holding them accountable.
Offer Room to Recover
“We have to give boys the benefit of the doubt,” Vanessa advises, emphasizing that many feel ashamed after a blow-up. By giving them space to cool off, then reconnecting later, you let them know there’s a path to re-enter the conversation without judgment.
Weathering the Adolescent Storm
It’s normal to feel grief, fear, and frustration as your son navigates puberty. Boys often distance themselves from parents during this time, which can feel like rejection. Don’t forget they usually “come back” after they’ve crossed the threshold into more mature adolescence.
A Messy Yet Meaningful Journey
Yes, your son might seem smelly, messy, or downright disrespectful right now—none of which means he’ll stay that way, or that you’ve parented poorly. As Vanessa says, guiding boys toward kindness, empathy, and thoughtfulness is a winding road filled with bumps.
Respond, Don’t React
When tempers flare, remain calm. Give your son the space he needs, and circle back once he’s cooled down. Teach him about emotions in those quieter moments and seek additional help if needed. By walking alongside him, you’ll both be better prepared to handle the challenges—and rewards—of growing up.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:This is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained, by Cara Natterson, MD & Vanessa Kroll Bennett
lessawkward.com — Cara & Vanessa’s website (includes links to their books, newsletter, podcast, & talks)
The Puberty Podcast — Cara & Vanessa’s podcast (Don’t miss Jen on their podcast — Building Boys with Jennifer Fink)
Decoding Boys w Dr. Cara Natterson –– ON BOYS episode
The Truth About Parenting Teen Boys — the famous BuildingBoys post about 14-yr-old boys being a**holes
Puberty, Perimenopause, & Midlife Parenting — ON BOYS episode
Guy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys, by Cara Natterson
Guy Stuff Feelings: Everything You Need to Know About Your Emotions, by Cara Natterson
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Saknas det avsnitt?
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Which ON BOYS episodes were the Best of 2024?
Photo by ALINA MATVEYCHEVA via Pexels
Your favorites include:
5. Needed: Boy-Friendly Schools
Tyler, a 16-year-old Texas boy, started struggling in middle school. Recess was no more. Classes were 90 minutes long. So, “he found it really hard to sit still in class,” says Julie Jargon, the Wall Street Journal Family & Tech columnist who interviewed Tyler for her series on boys and education. Now a high school student, Tyler suggests that “instead of making guys change the way they behave, maybe schools should change the way they’re structured.”4. Middle School: Misunderstood or Magic?
“This is a very pervasive story, that middle school is terrible. But it doesn’t have to be. We make it terrible by working directly against the developmental needs of middle schoolers and designing these buildings and classes in way that make their lives really hard,” says veteran educator Chris Balme, author of Finding the Magic in Middle School: Tapping into the Power and Potential of the Middle School Years.3. Modern Male Puberty is Awkward
Your son may well be annoying, thoughtless, disrespectful, disorganized, smelly, and messy during puberty. None of that means he’ll end up that way as an adult. And none of it means that you’re doing (or have done) something wrong.“The path to building kind, empathic, loving, thoughtful men is a very windy, bumpy road,” Vanessa says. “And at every step of the way, it can be really tempting to lose faith.”2. How to Raise a Healthy Gamer
“Right now, there is an antagonistic relationship between most parents & their kids around video gaming,” Dr. K says. “You think they need to cut back; they don’t think they have a problem. Then, as parents start to institute limits, children will try to undermine them. Even if you ‘win’ in this scenario, you lose.”It’s more helpful, he says, to establish a collaborative relationship.1. Set Boys Up for School Success
“It’s really essential that we, as parents & educators of boys, are preparing them to navigate the struggles within school,” says Dr. Todd (Jason) Feltman, author of Transforming into a Powerful Third, Fourth, or 5th Grade Navigator of School Success. “It’s not just the academic struggles but also the socialization, the physical and emotional struggles.”A few of our other 2024 favorites:
Color Blindness in Boys
Circumcision: Facts & Myths
FBI: Sextortion Targets Boys
Navigating Youth Mental Health in the Digital Age
Emily Edlynn on A Healthier Approach to Tech
Dr. Niobe Way on Reimaging Boys
Uplifting Black Boys Benefits All Students
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Gaming is a BIG part of boys’ lives today!
So, it’s no surprise that our March 14 conversation with Dr. K, How to Raise a Healthy Gamer, is our Listener Fav of 2024.
Dr. K (full name: Alok Kanojia) is a psychiatrist, dad, and life-long gamer. He knows video games and know what works. He also has deep compassion for gamers & their families. If you haven’t yet read his book, How to Raise a Healthy Gamer: End Power Struggles, Break Bad Screen Habits, and Transform Your Relationship with Your Kids, we highly recommend it!
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:How to Raise a Healthy Gamer: End Power Struggles, Break Bad Screen Habits, and Transform Your Relationship with Your Kids, by Alok Kanojia (aka Dr. K)
www.healthygamer.gg — Dr. K’s website
Why are Video Games So Important to Boys? — ON BOYS episode
The Evolution of Esports — ON BOYS episode
Video Game Addiction — ON BOYS episode
Emily Edlynn on a Healthier Approach to Tech — ON BOYS episode
The Link Between Freedom & Video Games — BuildingBoys blog post
Why Boys Play Video Games – BuildingBoys blog post
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How often do we really listen to boys & young men?
Not nearly often enough! There’s been a lot of chatter lately about boys & young men, masculinity, and the growing gender gap in politics – and very little public input from boys & young men themselves. In this episode, Jen & Janet talk with Lance Walker, a 26 yr old man from Utah. Like so many males his age, Lance has learned that boys’ and men’s perspectives aren’t always welcome. As he says, “We are never given license to speak.”
We encourage you to listen as he describes his experiences in school (including being started on ADHD medication in 3rd grade) and in the world.
Takeaways:Boys’ perspectives on masculinity are often overlooked.There is a stigma associated with boys expressing their feelings.Open dialogue about gender dynamics is essential.Boys need to be included in conversations about their experiences.Understanding the role of community in boys’ development is important.Boys often feel shame in expressing their struggles.The future of gender discussions requires sensitivity and awareness. The emotional journey of becoming a man is complex and often fraught with societal expectations.Shame and responsibility are significant themes in discussions about masculinity.Perceptions of men as threats can lead to feelings of fear and vulnerability.Boys are often seen as needing to fit into a rigid educational model that may not suit them.Cultural perspectives on masculinity can shape how boys view themselves and their roles in society.Dialogue and understanding are crucial in addressing the challenges faced by boys and young men.The importance of recognizing boys as human beings with their own experiences and emotions.Educational systems may need to adapt to better engage boys in learning.There is a need for more voices from young men in discussions about masculinity and societal expectations.The conversation around masculinity must include diverse perspectives to foster understanding and growth.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Lance’s Substack
ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude — ON BOYS episode
Talking to Tween & Teen Boys — ON BOYS episode
Sports & Masculinity — ON BOYS episode
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We gotta talk about male suicide and mental health.
If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, you can call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline for help in the United States. Call 988 or 800-273-TALK (8255). The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is open 24 hours a day, every day. Services are also available en espanol.
More than 39,000 boys and young men die of suicide in the United States each year. The male suicide rate is 4 times that of females’ – and that fact isn’t widely known. Although there’s been a lot of discussion of the youth mental health crisis and suicidal ideation in recent years, few people are talking about the fact that most of those who die of suicide are boys and young men.
Anthony Tricarico was one of them. He was a “beautiful shooting star,” a young entrepreneur who loved snowboarding and bought a Camaro at age 16. Anthony died by suicide earlier this year, at age 16 1/2. From the outside looking in, Anthony had it all: a loving family, lots of friends, great grades, talent, and personality. His death was a shock to the community, as people realized, “If this could happen to Anthony, it could happen to any of us,” said his father, Neal Tricarico.
Takeaways:Autistic people/those on the autism spectrum are at increased risk of suicideCOVID-19 has had a profound impact on youth mental health.There is often a disconnect between autism support and mental health services.Support systems for families in crisis are often lacking.Seasonal changes can significantly affect mental health.Parental control is limited; love does not guarantee safety.Community support can provide immense comfort during grief.The importance of love and connection transcends loss.Achievements do not equate to fulfillment in children.Open conversations about mental health are essential.Creating a movement can honor lost loved ones and raise awareness.Grief can lead to profound spiritual growth and connection.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:AnneMoss Rogers on Suicide Prevention & Struggling Teens — ON BOYS episode
Loving Someone With Suicidal Thoughts — ON BOYS episode
What You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide — ON BOYS episode
NAMI — National Alliance on Mental Illness (has support groups for parents!)
Suicide & Autism — a report from the UK
Neal's contact info:Email: [email protected]
Instagram: @nealtricarico
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/neal.tricarico/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/nealtricarico/
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If you heard anything at all about the 2024 U.S. presidential election, you likely encountered the term "gender gap."
More than half of female voters (53%) voted for Kamala Harris; more than half of male voters (also 55%) voted for Donald Trump. Among young voters, the gender gap was even more pronounced: 61% of women aged 18-29 voted for Harris, compared to 49% of males.
Societal and political gender gaps are widening in other countries as well. Mark Sutton, director of The Boys Initiative & author of How Democrats Can Win Back Men, joins us to explore the factors underlying the gender gap and ways we can help boys and men thrive alongside girls and women.
Takeaways:The gender gap in voting reflects deeper cultural divides.Men's issues are often overlooked in political discourse.Human well-being should be a shared goal across genders.Health disparities show men dying younger than women.Political parties need to address the needs of all voters.Support for women's health should not exclude men's health.There is a growing discontent with both major political parties.Unity among moderate voters can lead to positive change.The future of gender representation is evolving positively. Support for women in leadership is crucial.Local involvement in politics can make a difference.Cultural backlash can lead to divisive movements.Understanding different perspectives is essential.The male vote plays a significant role in elections.Engaging in conversations about gender is necessary.Listening to others can foster better understanding.Systemic issues affect boys and young men.Advocacy for children's needs is a nonpartisan issue.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Men & the 2024 Election -- Mark's Substack
How Democrats Can Win Back Men: Why Understanding Male Voters & Their Issues is Vital for Democratic Victory -- Mark's book
The Boys Initiative
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How can we support our boys’ well-being during a youth mental health crisis? How can we help them navigate life in this digital age?
Katey McPherson has been working on these issues for years. Since we last talked in 2019, she and others have helped the state of Arizona pass a bundle of laws intended to decrease youth suicide. She’s also helped countless schools, communities, and families learn how they can support youth mental health in the current digital age.
In this episode, Janet & Katey discuss:
How to keep kids safe (safer?) when using school-issued computers & other digital devicesTargeting of kids on social media and online gaming platformsKids’ online relationshipsTech tools to help you monitor your kids’ online activitiesSchool shootings (and how we can prevent them)Talking to kids about suicidal thoughtsIncreasing the likelihood that your child will talk to you about tough thingsSupporting youth mental healthTakeaways:We are facing significant challenges affecting our youth’s mental health.Legislative changes can lead to improved suicide prevention resources.Parents must understand the limitations of school-issued devices at home.Social media can exacerbate feelings of exclusion and anxiety in youth.Community support is crucial in preventing school violence.Suicidal ideation often precedes violent actions in youth.Open communication about mental health is essential for parents.AI is becoming a critical tool in monitoring student safety.It’s never too late to implement changes in parenting strategies.Youth need coping strategies to deal with emotional pain.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:The Hope Institute
What You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide (w Katey McPherson) — ON BOYS episode
Red Flags, Safety Nets, & School Shootings — BuildingBoys post
Katey's website is currently under construction. If you'd like to reach her, you can email her at [email protected]
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Do you know what the “man box” is?
Your boys do, whether they know the term or not. The “man box” is the set of expectations, perceptions, and behaviors that are considered “manly” in our society.
In this episode, Jen, Janet, and Ted Bunch, Chief Development Officer of A Call to Men, explore the complexities boys face in a world that still clings to outdated ideas about masculinity. Ted shares his perspective on how we can empower boys to live authentically, develop respectful relationships, and move beyond the limitations of the “Man Box,” which often keep boys from becoming their true selves.
Ted Bunch
Together, they discuss ways parents and caregivers can help boys embrace their emotions, communicate openly, and understand the importance of consent. Ted also addresses tough topics, including the impact of pornography, the cultural confusion surrounding sexual consent, and how societal expectations can distort boys’ perceptions of masculinity. Through honest, practical conversations, this episode gives listeners the tools to support boys as they navigate these challenges and to foster connections that build character, respect, and self-awareness.
In this episode, Jen, Janet & Ted discuss:How to help boys find and express their authentic selvesThe pervasive “Man Box” and how to break free of itWhy boys struggle to define consent—and how to helpPornography’s impact on boys’ relationshipsConversations dads and caregivers need to have with boysEncouraging boys to recognize the effects of their actions on othersUnderstanding and addressing the impact of sexual abuse on boysLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:A Call to Men — includes helpful information & data, as well as links to their programs
Tony Porter’s TED Talk about the Man Box
What I’ve Learned Since My Son Came Out — article by Ted, mentioned at 38:37
The New Masculinity — ON BOYS episode
Empowering Boys to Challenge Rape Culture — ON BOYS episode
Gender Norms Limit Boys (& Girls!) — ON BOYS episode
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Puberty, perimenopause, and neurodivergence affects brains and bodies.
And in two or more of those things are going on in our household at the same time…well, things can get particularly challenging, says Amy Lang, founder of Birds & Bees & Kids.
Amy & Janet discuss it all in this ON BOYS episode
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:The 3 Key Things Your Neurodivergent Boy Needs to Know about Sex (and 3 Things You Need to Know)
Peri-menopause & Puberty: The Match Made in Heck – Get tickets here
Tue Nov 19, 2024 7:00 PM – 8:00 PM PST
Birds & Bees & Kids — Amy’s website
Resources recommended by Amy:
You Know, Sex: Bodies, Gender, Puberty, And Other Things
Sex Talks With Tweens: What To Say & How To Say It
Amaze.org/us
BARK (inside US)
Qustodio (monitoring outside US)
Sex Ed for Neurodiverse Kids – ON BOYS episode w Amy Lang
Keeping Boys Safe Online (w Amy Lang) — ON BOYS episode
Talk to Boys About Sex (w Amy Lang) — ON BOYS episode
Puberty, Perimenopause, & Midlife Parenting — ON BOYS episode
Breakthrough Session for Family CoachingSchedule your no-cost call with Janet at https://boysalive.com/call
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Raising boys isn’t easy. Living isn’t easy! But with patience, trust, and community support, it’s easier — & more pleasant.
In this wide-ranging conversation, Janet Allison & Jennifer L.W. Fink , the hosts of ON BOYS podcast, discuss the reality of raising boys in 2024.
Takeaways:Nobody has it all figured out.Letting there be room for not knowing is crucial.Learning to tolerate discomfort is part of the process.Trusting the unfolding of our children’s development is essential.You are a different parent than you were a year ago.Boy development is trustworthy and unique to each child.Watch your boys, not the clock; focus on their growth.Look at your kid, not the milestones set by society.Parenting is the greatest personal development course.Let go and let us be your safety net.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Dealing with Change, Anxiety, & Energy (Listener Q & A) — ON BOYS episode
Trust — BuildingBoys blog post
Trust Your Boys — BuildingBoys blog post
Breakthrough Session for Family CoachingSchedule your no-cost call with Janet at https://boysalive.com/call
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Boys need support, not disdain
In June 2024, Andrew Reiner, author of Better Boys, Better Men: The New Masculinity That Creates Greater Courage and Emotional Resiliency, published an article entitled “Our culture’s trashing of boys & men is having toxic consequences.”
In this episode, he and Jen discuss what boys need & we can best support boys.
Takeaways:Boys need support, not disdain.Cultural perceptions of masculinity can be harmful.Media often portrays boys negatively.Boys are falling behind in education.It’s important to understand boys’ emotional needs.Parents and educators play a crucial role.Challenging traditional masculinity is necessary.Creating safe spaces for boys is essential.Engaging boys in education requires new approaches.Researching boys’ experiences is vital for change.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:andrewreinerauthor.com –– Andrew’s website
Andrew Reiner: Building Boys’ Mental Health & Resiliency — ON BOYS episode
Better Boys, Better Men: The New Masculinity that Creates Greater Courage and Emotional Resiliency, by Andrew Reiner
The Trouble with Boys Isn’t Boys — article by Andrew
Young, Male, & Adrift — article by Andrew
Boys are Great shop — boy-affirming merch!
Sponsor Spotlight: Hello FreshGet 10 FREE meals at HelloFresh.com/FreeONBOYS
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AI — artificial intelligence — is already a big part of our everyday lives.
We rely on it to help us get from one place to another. (GPS directions, anyone?) We use it to polish our prose. (Spell check and Grammarly, for instance.) Customer service chatbots and product recommendations based on previous purchases — all of these are built on AI.
The public release of ChatGPT, a AI system that using natural language processing, has accelerated the use of AI in modern life. Students routinely use it for school work — to dismay of some teachers. As AI becomes more integrated into the tools and technologies we use every day, understanding how it works—and how to use it responsibly—is becoming essential for both adults and children.
(AI, in fact, helped me rewrite that last sentence. Initially, it said, “Understanding AI & how to use it ethically is quickly becoming a necessary skill.)
In this episode, we talk with Angela Radcliffe, a mom of two, clinical research expert, and AI enthusiast who created Quantum Kids, Guardians of AI: Story Quest and Activity Book to help kids (and their parents) understand ethical uses of AI.
Takeaways:AI is rapidly evolving and impacting how children learn.Writing with AI can enhance creativity but requires careful guidance.Ethics in AI usage is crucial for responsible parenting.AI should be treated as a peer to foster collaboration.Teaching kindness and responsibility is essential in the age of AI.New ways of thinking may emerge from AI’s influence on education.Parents should actively engage with AI to understand its capabilities.Practical, fun uses of AI can help demystify the technology for families.Transparency and trust are vital in navigating AI’s impact.AI can be a valuable tool for enhancing everyday tasks and creativity.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Quantum Kids, Guardians of AI: Story Quest and Activity Book, created by Angela Radcliffe
What Teachers Told Me About AI in School
Teens Using AI to Create Deepfakes of Classmates Prompts New Bill
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Young Black men and boys remain the most vulnerable student population in U.S. schools.
That’s why David Kirkland, founder & CEO of forwardED, is asking educators to “put a deliberate focus on Black boys” this year – to uplift Black boys, of course, but also because research shows that addressing the needs of our most vulnerable populations helps ALL.
“It’s not that Black males fail. It’s that we fail Black males,” David says. “it’s important for us to reframe that focus so we can understand what we can do better.”
Takeaways:Black boys are the most vulnerable student population in U.S. schools, facing persistent disparities in academic achievement and discipline.The education system is failing Black boys, and the framing of the issue needs to shift from blaming Black males to recognizing that the system fails them.A comprehensive approach is needed, including funding, culturally responsive education, policy changes, and a shift in mindset and practices.Addressing the needs of Black boys will benefit all students and lead to better outcomes in the education system.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:www.forward-ed.com/
Reclaiming Possibliity: An Intentional Focus on Black Boys This School Year — article by David
Can We Talk? A Critical Examination of Cellphone Bans in Schools — article by David
Black Boys Matter — ON BOYS episode
Supporting Black Boys Mental Health (w Chandra White-Cummings) — ON BOYS episode
Boys in School Task Force — ON BOYS episode
Sponsor Spotlight: AvoilaUse code ONBOYS to save 10% when you shop Avoila Nourishing Face Oil
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Stop, drop, grow, and glow?
That’s Holly Swenson’s advice to parents. Swenson, a RN-turned-writer and mom of 4 boys (currently ages 10, 13, 15, & 15) was approximately seven years into parenting when she realized that “when you are taking care of yourself, you’re better able to take care of everyone in her life.”
She & Jen talk about her book, Stop, Drop, Grow, & Glow: Forming Deeper & More Joyful Connections with Yourself & Your Children.
Takeaways:Self-awareness and self-care are essential for effective parenting.Balancing the needs and interests of multiple children requires intentionality and mindfulness.Reacting to situations can be counterproductive, while responding thoughtfully fosters deeper connections.Parenting is a journey of personal growth and self-improvement.The Stop, Drop, Grow, and Glow method encourages reflection, letting go of past experiences, cultivating growth and self-awareness, and embracing joy and gratitude. Self-care is essential for parents to show up as their best selves for their children.Children can be a catalyst for personal growth and healing for parents.Finding time for self-care may require creativity and microdosing self-care throughout the day.Water, such as taking a shower or bath, can be grounding and energizing for parents.Maintaining a sense of humor and lightness can help navigate the challenges of parenting.Prioritizing self-care and personal growth is an ongoing process that requires intention and discipline.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Stop, Drop, Grow, & Glow: Forming Deeper & More Joyful Connections with Yourself & Your Children, by Holly Swenson
liveyourglow.live — Holly’s website
Mom is in Control with Heather Chauvin — ON BOYS episode
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Kids can thrive at any size, says Jill Castle, a pediatric dietician, parent, and author of Kids Thrive at Any Size: How to Nourish Your Big, Small, or In-Between Child for a Lifetime of Health & Happiness.
Takeaways:Feeding kids in a healthy way can be challenging, but it’s important to raise children of all sizes to be physically healthy and emotionally well.Family culture plays a significant role in shaping children’s attitudes towards food and body size.Body neutrality focuses on the functionality of the body rather than its appearance, promoting acceptance and self-love.Growth charts are a tool for tracking a child’s growth over time, but they should not be used to define a child’s health or worthiness.Parents can advocate for their children by addressing biases and stigma related to body size, both within the extended family and in healthcare settings.Creating a positive meal environment and supporting children’s individual appetites can help build healthy eating habits.Parents should prioritize sleep, as it plays a crucial role in children’s growth and appetite regulation.Health should be measured by factors beyond weight, such as blood pressure, respiratory rate, and cardiovascular fitness.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:jillcastle.com — Jill’s website
Kids Thrive at Any Size: How to Nourish Your Big, Small, or In-Between Child for a Lifetime of Health & Happiness — Jill’s latest book
The Nourished Child — Jill’s podcast
Picky Eaters, Family Meals, & Nutrition — ON BOYS episode
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How can parents overcome their fears and worries so they can say YES to their boys’ interests and passions?
That’s the question we discuss with Heather Sponholz, a “boy mom” who’s said yes to her teenage sons’ solo National Parks trips, MMA fighting, and ambitious Christmas lights project.
Takeaways:Navigating the balance between freedom and safety for teenagers can be challenging for parents.Allowing teenagers to take solo trips can help them develop independence and learn important life skills.Trusting in your child’s ability to navigate challenges and make responsible decisions is essential.Supporting teenagers in pursuing their passions and interests can have a positive impact on their personal growth. Supporting and nurturing boys’ passions and interests is important for their personal growth and development.Parents should overcome their fears and worries and allow their children to pursue activities that they are passionate about.Community support and mentorship can play a crucial role in helping boys pursue their interests.Parents should prioritize their children’s passions and provide them with the necessary resources and opportunities to explore and excel in their chosen fields.Allowing boys to face challenges and learn from their experiences helps them develop problem-solving skills and resilience.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Encouraging Independence — ON BOYS episode
Autonomy-Supportive Parenting — ON BOYS episode
Step In or Step Back? — ON BOYS episode
Age 16 & Learning to Let Go — BuildingBoys post
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SheKnows’ “Be a Man” project is an “exploration of what it means to be a man today,” says Erika Janes, a “boy mom” and SheKnows editor-in-chief.
Importantly, the project includes teen boys and gives them an opportunity to share their thoughts about manhood and masculinity. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the boys’ responses reflect our still-evolving understanding of gender. Crying, for instance, is still seen as a term with strongly feminine connotations, “but almost every boy we talked to said that they did cry,” Janes says. “They still feel like there’s a stigma to boys and men crying, but for the most part, almost of all of them said, ‘I cry at times.'”
Boys, she says, “still get so many messages about traditional masculinity — ‘don’t cry, be strong, be a man.’ But they need to be allowed to express healthy emotion, to express vulnerability, to be able to cry and express sadness. We need to understand and accept that teen boys have all the same emotions as teen girls and that it’s healthier if they have outlets to express them.”
Takeaways:The Be A Man project on She Knows provides a comprehensive look into the lives of teen boys, covering topics such as masculinity, mental health, and social media.It is important to include and listen to teen boys in conversations about their experiences and perspectives.Parents of boys may face challenges in understanding and raising boys, but it is important to provide support and guidance.The project aims to provide advice and resources for parents navigating these topics with their teen boys.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:We Asked 4 Teen Boys to Test New Fall Fragrances – Here’s What They Said – SheKnows article
The Response to Tim Walz’s Son’s Proud Tears at the DNC is a Telling Look at Masculinity & Emotion — SheKnows article
How Teen Boys View Male Celebrities & Masculinity, from Ryan Reynolds to Timothee Chalamet — SheKNow article
Gender Equality, Boys, & Men — ON BOYS episode featuring Richard V. Reeves
BoyMom Ruth Whippman on Reimaging Boyhood — ON BOYS episode
Dr. Niobe Way on Reimagining Boys — ON BOYS episode
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What is the goal of youth sports?
It seems like an obvious question with an obvious answer. Isn’t the goal to provide kids with an opportunity to play sports? And to develop skills, teamwork, and camaraderie along the way?
Historically, those were indeed the goals of youth sport. Many parents & kids still pursue those goals. But some parents & players have other goals: A scholarship. College admission. The youth sports industry also has a goal: To make money.
Pay-to-PlayMany of today’s youth sports team use a pay-to-play model: parents pay (often exorbitant amounts) for their kids to play. Some youth sports organizations frame this cost as an “investment” and mention ROI — return on investment — on their websites. The required investment isn’t only financial; parents & families now invest a lot of time into sports practices, games, & tournaments.
“What used to be very much a youth-driven activity has changed into more of an adult-driven model,” says Jean Linscott, co-author of What is the Goal?: The Truth About the Youth Sports Industry. And because the adults have invested so much, they have an incentive to keep kids playing. This, Jean says, “is an enormous difference from playing for fun and playing for the love of the game.”
The first thing young parents should understand, if they’re considering signing a child up for a pay-to-play team, is that “this is a lifestyle choice,” says Kenneth Ruoff, Jean’s husband & co-author. “They should be putting aside 40 weekends a year for the next 10 years if you stick with pay-to-play sports through the high school years.”
Sadly, there’s no strong evidence to suggest that this investment of time & money is beneficial to most families or athletes. “We talked to a lot of the top coaches in Oregon and they basically burst out laughing when we asked them if travel tournaments had any role in player development,” Ken says. “They said, ‘No, it’s ridiculous; they have no role, especially at the younger ages.’ So all that money that is being spent on travel tournaments is playing no role in developing the kids as athletes.”
The Unacknowledged Costs of Youth SportsBecause of the tremendous costs associated with many youth sports teams, many kids do not have an opportunity to play or participate. And many children who do play experience physical and mental injuries, in part because they begin playing so young and often play year-’round.
“The impact of this model means that there are big problems with overuse injuries and burnout,” Jean says.”Early specialization in sports is disastrous for the bodies and minds of children,” Ken adds.
Unfortunately, in many places, there aren’t viable alternatives to the current pay-to-play youth sports model. Rec teams have faded or disappeared due to lack of funding and coaches. School teams may or may not be an option – but in many places, if a young athlete doesn’t also play on a travel team, they have little chance of earning a spot on a school team.
Questions to Ask Before Signing for a Travel TeamBefore signing your child up for a pay-to-play, elite, or travel team, Jean says you should ask these “important, tough” questions:
Do you track injury rates? What types of injuries are most common?Do you conduct exit interviews when families leave the club? What are the primary reasons athletes & families leave?What is your youth athlete development model?Be forewarned, however. Asking these questions does not guarantee that you’re doing to get a straight answer. It’s also a good idea to talk to a number of families who have been involved with the club or team, including those who no longer participate.
Takeaways:The likelihood of receiving a college scholarship through youth sports is extremely low, and parents should consider alternative ways to fund their child’s education.Extricating oneself from the youth sports system can be challenging, but it is important to prioritize the well-being and interests of the child.Questioning the youth sports industry and advocating for affordable and inclusive options is crucial for the overall development of children.The emphasis on elite athletes and the pressure to participate in pay-to-play clubs can exclude many children and create unrealistic expectations.Sportswear companies play a role in the youth sports industry, but their focus on profit and exclusivity can hinder accessibility and development.Preferential admission for athletes in higher education perpetuates the socioeconomic elite and needs to be reevaluated.Parents have the power to ask questions, challenge the status quo, and advocate for changes that prioritize the well-being and enjoyment of youth sports.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:What is the Goal?: The Truth About the Youth Sports Industry, by Jean Linscott & Kenneth Ruoff
Whole Child Sports: An Alternative to Toxic Youth Sports Culture — ON BOYS episode
Linda Flanagan: Youth Sports are Out of Control –– ON BOYS episode
Coaches Speak About Youth Sports — ON BOYS episode
Varsity Blues Scandal Explained — BC Law article
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It’s back-to-school time!
What does this time of year look like for you & your family? Does your son dread back-to-school? Do you? Or, do you welcome that start of a new school year?
Rob Vaughn, a 5th grade teacher, is one of the (too) few male elementary school teachers in the United States.
Masculinity in 5th gradeWhen we asked Rob about his experiences in school when he was a boy, he told us, “I was a different kind of boy.” He says he wasn’t a “sporty jock,” but “quiet,” “introverted,” and “nerdy.” He remembers being shy and feeling overwhelmed.
The boys in his class exhibit a broad range of masculinity. There are the “dude” and “jocks,” Rob says, and at least as many boys how are “not stereotypical boys.” These guys like video games and stuffed animals, imaginative play, and art. They are sensitive — and so are the boys who like sports.
Kids today, he says, aren’t as strictly adhering to gender roles as kids were a generation ago.
“I’m finding that boys and girls are working together really well & openly, at least in my school,” Rob says. “Some of them are really great friends & some of the boys are really into ‘girl stuff.’ And they’re good at talking about their feelings!”
He is working to overcome lingering biases left over from his own childhood. Rob has noticed that his brain often thinks “tough kid” when he sees a boy in football gear, for instance. “I need to remember that they are still little kids and they are sensitive – even though they are acting like the celebrities they see,” he says.
He’s noticed boys emulating the behavior of online influencers and celebrities, including in less-than-desirable ways, such as arguing with referees or reacting with over-the-top rage when they lose a game. “It’s almost like there are little boys who are trying to be men, only the men they’re trying to be aren’t actualy men; they’re parodies of men that we’re seeing on social media.”
5th grade boys, Rob says, are grappling with “who am I? and who am I supposed to be?” at the same time they’re “dealing with hurt feelings and missing their mom.”
At the 5th grade level, boys tend to be less physically and emotionally mature than their female counterparts. At that age, boys are “not at a stage where they want to sit and discuss big ideas for as long” as the female students, Rob says. The boys, he says, “are operating at a level that’s a little sillier & younger.”
Teaching boys and girls together — and honestly talking about development and challenges — can enhance understanding and empathy.
Takeaways:Creating a sense of community in the classroom and giving students responsibilities can enhance their learning experience.Setting high expectations for students and empowering them to make choices can help build their independence.Fifth grade is a critical stage of development, with students experiencing the beginning stages of puberty and undergoing brain remodeling.Boys and girls in fifth grade are not always adhering to traditional gender roles, and they are grappling with societal expectations and their own identities.Social-emotional learning is an important aspect of the curriculum, focusing on skills such as empathy, communication, and self-awareness. Boys and girls may have different levels of maturity and focus in the classroom, with boys often being more active and playful.Societal expectations and media portrayals of masculinity can influence boys’ behavior and attitudes towards girls.Teaching boys about consent and respect for girls is crucial in creating a safe and inclusive environment.Parents and educators play a vital role in shaping boys’ behavior and attitudes towards girls.Building a strong foundation of respect and empathy in the early years can help boys navigate societal pressures and develop into confident and respectful men.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Where Are All the Male Teachers? — Good Men Project article
Lisa Damour on the Emotional Lives on Teens — ON BOYS episode
Male Role Models — BuildingBoys post about male Olympians in the 2024 Summer Olympics
Gender Equality, Boys, & Men — ON BOYS podcast featuring Richard V. Reeves (which coverrs redshirting boys in school)
Erin’s Law — more info on the law that mandates child sexual abuse prevention
Mark Rober — YouTuber Rob mentioned during our conversation
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