Avsnitt
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oday’s topic is the neuroplasticity of the brain and how we can use it to take charge of our own thought processes. Cinthia opened today with a quote usually attributed to Albert Einstein: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.” We see the problems that occur with repeating behaviors that are not working, but what about our thoughts? Our brains create what are called “neural nets,” or networks of brain cells that learn to fire in succession in response to outside stimuli; these are often compared to superhighways in the brain. This creates habits of thought that we often do not even notice because we are so used to them. For example, the phone rings, and you see a particular name on the screen. What thoughts go through your head automatically? The stimulus happens, the thoughts begin… and, before you know it, you are traveling down that old familiar superhighway with its familiar assumptions and other habits of thought. And every time you travel the highway, it gets reinforced, becoming more entrenched and powerful in your brain and your life. Thus, our brains create these “crazy-fast” reactions to stimuli, but we can take control of this process and retrain our brains to respond differently.
Sarah Gibson has written about this concept with the old computer-inspired idea of GIGO: “Garbage in, garbage out.” We can, she emphasizes, decide what ideas to feed ourselves. We can decide which thoughts to dwell on. We can reroute the garbage truck, so to speak, and actively work to take the “trash” out of our brains. We can create bypasses to help us stop traveling the superhighways that are not helping us. God made our brains to work for us, not against us. Are you a lazy thinker? Challenge your own thoughts and feelings. Update and maintain your own roads. Take responsibility for the roads you travel. Clean up the negativities, the lies, the assumptions. Reroute the garbage truck. All of this is easier to say than to do, but it is well worth the work.
First, start to notice the neural nets that exist for you. In what areas do you quickly find yourself starting down a familiar thought/feeling/reaction path? Cinthia discussed her own struggle with mental “superhighways” related to an eating disorder that began early in her life; for her, there are still triggers to follow a mental track related to fears of being fat, triggers she has to consciously and intentionally resist. We may have perceptions about why other people do what they do, and our thoughts on this reinforce our judgments and assumptions about others. Some people have superhighways related to fears of trusting anyone. Sometimes we think we know what will happen in a situation because we believe that is what “always” happens, but we may actually be overgeneralizing. What are your superhighways? What are your triggers to jump on those ramps, and what thoughts and feelings occur in response to those triggers?
Once you identify some patterns, the first thing to do is learn to pause. To continue our superhighway analogy, pull your mental “car” over into a safe spot and take a minute to examine what just happened and where you are now headed. Question your immediate emotional response. Seek different information. Find out what else there is to know. Clarify with the person who made a comment; what did they mean by that? Remember, our brains create these “crazy-fast” reactions based on emotional response. Remember, feelings are very real, but they are not always true. Don’t believe everything you think!
We can retrain our reactions, but it is also important to recognize that some superhighways in our minds are so entrenched that we may struggle with them for a very long time, just as Cinthia described still having to resist eating-disordered thoughts decades after she has stopped living as an eating-disordered person. Especially when we are dealing with roads that were formed when we were young or roads that were formed through trauma or deep wounding, roads we have traveled for years or as a way to avoid other painful roads, there may always be a first reaction, an impulse to get on the “ramp” toward the series of thoughts and behaviors the brain has learned to enact in response to parts of life. The brain may still go to the old road automatically, but, remember, you can teach your brain to hit the brakes before heading down the superhighway. Work on construction of the new bypass system. Every time you travel the old roads, you make them stronger, but every time you take yourself down a new path, you help to construct and strengthen that new route. We have more control over our own thoughts than we give ourselves credit for.
One thing that can help us as we try to build new roads is a back-to-basics approach toward what is important. This approach stresses simplicity, focuses on the essentials, and proactively moves us toward the things that make the most difference. It helps us do what matters instead of getting bogged down in unnecessary complexity. If you think simplifying life could help you, consider these practical steps:
Identify the things that add unnecessary complexity, busy-ness, and overwhelm to your life and work. What really matters to you, and what hijacks your time and energy away from those things?Create a plan to reduce or eliminate those things. (This may involve some grief and loss.)Identify things that are most efficient and effective, the things that make the most difference toward helping you accomplish what really matters.Create a plan to maximize those things.Put boundaries in place to protect these changes.Cinthia shared several verses from Proverbs that offer simple principles we can use to identify what is helping or hurting us, including Proverbs 10:9, 10:17, 14:15, 16:25, 27:6, and 27:12. She also offered some questions to ask ourselves, such as the following: Have I considered the possible outcomes for my course of action, or am I just excited about an idea and hoping that it works? Do I think I am the exception to a rule in some area? Sometimes we need to relearn basic truths about God in order to be able to let go of things that are getting in the way of what is best for us. God’s heart is never geared toward depriving us or taking away what is truly good; He wants the best for us. But sometimes we hold on to what we think is best, and it keeps us from enjoying the gifts He really wants to give us. So find some verses or sayings and implement them into your life. Remind yourself of what you know. Don’t just let life happen to you. Be committed to yourself—to your actual good, not your immediate gratification. The more committed you are to yourself, the less it will take to maintain and care for yourself over time.
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How do you approach the issue of trusting others? Every human being is a risk. This does not necessarily mean that we are all dangerous at deep levels, but it does mean we are fallible and that we have the capacity and potential to hurt and fail one another. We all yearn for acceptance, accept ugly things, and are still trying to figure out who we are supposed to be.
We have trouble trusting God because we forget that God never lies. He is perfect. He loves His creation to the point of death. He has experienced more harm, offense, and pain than anyone else has ever experienced, and He continues to experience our selfishness, greed, and immaturity. In many ways, we are not a good risk for God, yet He risks relationship with us. Jesus is the Word Who became flesh and dwelt among us (John 1); He brings us back to God the Father. God is a good Father. We can hold Him accountable for His words, and we must not disrespect Him.
As difficult as trust can be, we are wired for it. We cannot help but trust in some way. We trust that the sun will come up each morning. We trust our safety systems and the people around us enough to fall asleep, which is an almost completely vulnerable state. We trust the chairs in which we sit, the cars we drive, etc. Trust is the biggest problem we have because life requires trust. Even our pets have to deal with the issue of trust.
Some people are better risks than others. Are you a good risk for other people? Do you lie to them? Do you return phone calls, gossip, etc.? Before you judge others --family, friends, even the government -- recognize that we all have the abovementioned yearning for acceptance. We also want to feel trusted and want to feel safe. Developing and maintaining trust in a relationship is an ongoing process. Sometimes we need to qualify our statements so that we can be clear in developing trust instead of making sweeping generalizations, etc. Sometimes we need to explore rifts and apologize when we mess up. Sometimes we need to acknowledge challenges to our trustworthiness.
Jesus is our model of trustworthiness. He is kind and strong. When He was on earth, He did not judge inappropriately but always held the line, so to speak. Even so, people had trouble believing in His love until He died for us, and, even now, we often struggle to trust that the One Who was willingly tortured to death for us and then overcame death is trustworthy. Like children, we continue to question His love every time we experience pain or simply do not get what we want. We constantly want Jesus to prove who He is, even though He has already done this.
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Saknas det avsnitt?
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Today Cinthia noted just a few of the many Bible verses that indicate human beings are supposed to be in relationships with God, ourselves, and others. These included John 15:1-2, Proverbs 27:17, and II Corinthians 1:3-7. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 talks specifically about this, as well. These verses do not indicate that we should all be extroverts or that solitude is not valuable. They do mean, however, that we are not meant to do life alone. Genesis notes that God said it was not good for Adam to be alone, and so He made Eve. This does not necessarily mean everyone should be married, but it does mean each of us needs other human beings.
Relationship helps us to experience the worth God gave every human being; it is innate in our status as His human creations and does not depend on our performance. Intimacy is the sense of knowing another person deeply and of being deeply known, and of being wanted and loved even as we are known; the term can have a sexual dimension but does not always imply this. While we cannot safely have emotional intimacy with everyone, we do need to have emotional intimacy with some. should go first to God with our needs and know that He is the only One Who is fully and completely dependable, but we must also learn to take wise risks in relationship with others, even though it means we will be disappointed at times. Jesus demonstrated this perfectly. For example, in Matthew 26:36-41 He asked three of His disciples to watch a pray with Him in a time of crisis; although they failed in this, He both asked for help and forgave them when they did not deliver perfectly.
Learning to be in relationship is complicated but necessary. Human beings need to be seen, and we each have things to offer others. We must learn to share parts of ourselves with others, but not everything needs to be shared all the time. Most of us learned how to interact with others from our parents, but we do not have to copy their styles indefinitely. Maturing in our relational functioning requires that we take our “inner children” on a journey of learning complex skills. Cinthia expounded on this with a poem by an unknown author called “The Paradoxes of a Child of God.” The poem offers a look at ways that developing traits in one direction can make us more fully able to function in the other direction, as well. We continue to work on ourselves and take responsibility for our mistakes, becoming more trustworthy for ourselves and others.
Another of the many reasons human beings need each other is that we can help one another to develop into the best versions of ourselves. No human being can see himself or herself perfectly. Cinthia discussed the Johari Window, a tool well-known in the field of counseling psychology; it offers a look at the interaction between who we are and the awareness we have of ourselves, as well as the awareness others have of us. It looks like this:
The me that I know and that others know
The me that I know but others do not know
The me that others know but I do not know
The me that neither I nor others know
The Johari Window reminds us of several important relational concepts: that we may not always see ourselves accurately, that others may know parts of us but not all the parts of us, and that there is a part of us (i.e., the me that neither I nor others know) that only God knows. God understands, loves, and protects that box. He is the One with Whom that box is safe and Who can be trusted to help us navigate all the boxes, growing in our own self-awareness and in our willingness to be seen and known in healthy ways. Ask God to help you see the parts of yourself that He wants you to see more clearly, and be open to helpful feedback regarding the places in yourself you may not see clearly right now. Feedback is important. Therapy can be one way to help us strengthen different facets of ourselves and our self-awareness.
Our healthiest selves will not all be the same in relationship, though we will have certain things in common. Everyone has a different style. God made introverts and extroverts; He made people who are loud and open and people who are quiet and reserved, though it is sometimes hard to know the difference between His design for us and the ways we have learned to approach life because of our experiences. We can talk to God about how He created us. We may have to learn to accept who He made us and the doors He opens for us. Just because something is not what we wanted it to be does not necessarily mean it is not what we need or what God intends for us. He wants good for us and pays careful attention to timing. Talk to God about who you are and how to manage it. He is able to engage with you in relationship and to help you in relationship with yourself and others, and He offers to do this.
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Feelings are very real but not always true. They are real because they are actual sensations that are really happening in your body, often related to the chemicals your body is creating and releasing. However, the thoughts that often come in tandem with our feelings can be untrue. Feelings do give us information, and some of it can be true. However, feelings are not reliable to give only true information. Because of this, we can experience a sense of emotional flooding that makes us kind of emotionally “drunk,” struggling to use good judgment because we are overwhelmed by sensations that seem to support ideas.
Because of this, we sometimes want to get rid of feelings altogether. Feelings, however, can be seen as trying to help us. Feelings are not bad or good; they are morally neutral tools that require skill and discernment for proper use. We decide what to do with them. We are responsible to consider what each feeling indicates and to ask whether the messages we are receiving from them are true. Feelings can go awry, as in the case of anorexia, and we can misinterpret the information they present. Make friends with your feelings, and recognize them as tools in your toolbox, rather than as your god or your guide through everything in life. You have to decide which messages to believe, whether and how to express them, etc. Learn how to use the tools well. You do not need a sledgehammer for to accomplish a gentle nudge. Do not simply allow the strongest feelings to make themselves most heard without discerning what is real. We have more control over our feelings than we think we do. They are just feelings; we are the people who manage them. Be the grownup in your own body.
God made human beings to develop something we call an observing self as we grow toward adulthood. Ideally, the observing self is like an internal coach, cheerleader, friend, and helper. Ideally, it is not critical but speaks the truth in love, telling us what the rules are, what will help and hurt us, etc. The observing self can help us become more what God made each of us to be. However, sometimes we develop an internal critic that overrides the helpful function and is shaming instead; this can be especially true for people who have grown up with abuse, neglect, or other trauma, particularly trauma involving central adults in their lives. Do you have an internal critic that is hurting you more than helping you? How much is it costing you? Where did it come from? Think about the term critic; it usually connotes an outsider with ambitions of his own, one that has a job when more material is produced. A critic is not there for the person producing and has no responsibility to that person. However, our internal critics are inside of us; we can fire them if they are not helping us. A critic simply offers an opinion, however educated that opinion might be. We do not have to believe or agree with everything that comes from a critic; we do not have to accept a critic’s opinions as facts when they are not facts. In this context, Cinthia discusses a blog written by Anne Midgette for The Washington Post about the need for art critics to be responsible; this can mean doing one’s best to convey a sense of what is happening in the field by describing all the many sides of it, fostering dialogue, etc. Is your internal critic helpful? Does it foster helpful exploration inside of your mind, or does it simply disparage you?
Strong feelings can arise when dealing with the internal critic, and breathing is critical for managing these. Therapists know that the shallower our breathing, the more we will tend to believe all our feelings. Feelings can spike our adrenaline, but oxygen helps the body lower adrenaline. Relax your shoulders and breathe; then decide whether to engage with feedback from the internal critic. You do not have to believe everything it says. Just because something sounds or feels true, comes from someone you like, etc., does not necessarily mean you should accept it as fact. You choose which things to believe; what are your criteria for this? Perfectionism makes it hard to believe praise.
As an alternative, Cinthia discussed Dr. Kristin Neff’s concept of self-compassion, which has the potential to move us out of our own threat systems and into safety. She also encouraged learning how God thinks of us, likening him to the “kindergarten cop” in the movie by that name. He wants us to explore, learn, test, and discover how He feels about His children; He allows us to play. But He is strong in the midst of our explorations.
In American, individuals frequently dislike themselves and try to change who they are in more and more radical ways. We have to learn to accept that we are created beings. We did not make ourselves, and God did not consult us when He made us. God puts so much thought into what He creates, and He likes the way He makes us, though sin can warp our expressions of that creation. We must learn to respect God’s creative authority. It is incredibly arrogant to tell God we do not like what He made and are going to alter it ourselves; He put thought, love, and creativity into the design of each person—including you. He alone has the right to define us and say who we are; what artist would be okay with someone telling him his or her work should be changed from the artist’s idea to someone else’s? Romans 9:19-20 asks who we are, as human beings, to talk back to God, like clay vessels demanding of the Potter, “Why did You make me like this?” God is brilliant and does not need us the way we tend to think, which frees Him to love us the way He does.
You are a created being. Somebody had to come up with the idea of you. Explore, learn, test, play, and discover how He feels about you; respect the Creator and the fact that He created you. Consider that there may be Someone bigger and smarter than you are and that He loves you. He is the only One who can tell you who you are, and He overrides your internal critic.
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Do you let people love you? Do you let them know you? Love takes time. There are some acts of love, mercy, grace, and kindness that require very little and can be accepted without any commitment. When someone opens the door for you in the store, smiles at you, or lets you have a parking place, you can generally accept it without trying to interpret their motives. There are others acts of love that are more reaching and involve covering a multitude of sins. We want to run from our proclivities, but God in His perfection is willing to be with us and cover for us while we work on repentance and change. Accept the love and mercy that is being offered to you; do not reject goodness. Do not insult the person who tries to give you something good. It is okay to be uncomfortable while you practice receiving graciously.
Do you worry about accepting anyone’s niceness? Do you reject their little gifts of grace to you for fear that there will be strings attached later? It can be so much easier to accept good things from people we do not know, people who are unlikely to be there later, because we see little chance of having to repay them in the future. But in most cases we do not have to read minds and interpret motives; we can simply say, “Thank you,” authentically without trying to read between the lines. If we find later that there were strings attached, after all, we can simply say, “I wish I had known that you were wanting that in return. What can I do now?” Usually, continuing to live as a changed person in response to the kindness is the best repayment. If you think that you do not deserve it, take a deep breath and say, “It’s not about me.” This can help you not to steal from others the reward of being kind. Work on accepting compliments, even if you do not believe them right now.
Love covers a multitude of sins. It is not the same as enabling. Love does not expose our ugliness while we are working on repentance and change. It is a gift of grace that comes from God. God knows the depth and darkness of our thoughts and actions, and He does not put time limits on our changing. We do not have to get it all figured out before we go to God; in fact, He would rather we come to Him messy. (Our own attempts to clean up the mess without Him generally just make things worse.)
And, remember, you can show love to others, too. You do not have to love perfectly in order for someone’s life to be changed. Loving someone is not always an ongoing commitment; you can start with small acts of kindness throughout the day. Practice I Corinthians 13 on yourself. The more you are willing to engage with this kind of love, receiving the love of God and loving yourself well, the more you will be able to love others. Practice love. Do not wait for perfection. You can apologize when wrong. God is the Father that is with you.
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Do you struggle with letting others love you? Today Cinthia reviews some important concepts about letting others love you. We all need grace, kindness, even smiles; you can receive and give these things. The better your boundaries are, the more loving you can be. Extending grace does not mean the person owes you something. I Corinthians 13, as well as other verses about the love of God, give us a picture of what love means. God is kind; you be kind. Practice kindness toward strangers and toward those close to you, honoring appropriate boundaries; receive kindnesses in the same way.
Kindness shown does not necessarily mean that one person owes another something. Deciding for others what they are expecting in return is a boundary violation. You do not have to read the minds of others. Don’t allow suspicion to steal from you or from those who try to give you something. It is okay to ask or to offer payment, but, often, the best repayment for someone’s kindness is continuing to live as a changed person. It is okay to just say “thank you.” Don’t insult the giver of a gift because you believe your own negative feelings. If it turns out someone has attached strings without telling you, you can always say, “I am glad you told me. I did not know that you were expecting or needing that. I can/cannot do that.”
Another piece of love is covering. Covering is a gift of grace; it is different than enabling or keeping harmful secrets. God covers us while we let Him change us, while we work on doing the things He gives us to address. Covering can minimize the damage and allow the person to fix what he or she has broken; it refuses to expose the person while he or she is working on repentance and change. This does not mean that we have to make long checklists of ways the person has to prove themselves and that we have to expose them otherwise. In close relationships, we may need to address situations in which people are not trying to change, but, in general, it is not our business. God is with us as we change and is infinitely patient with our mistakes. Allow those who love you to support you as you learn to be the best version of yourself.
Love can be scary because we need it so badly. We are wired to attach. But trying to read the minds of others in order to protect ourselves is not as effective as we might think. Learn to be a safe person and to love who God made you to be. Extend kindness and grace to yourself and others, and receive it from those who offer it. There is no promise you will not get hurt, but God is with His people and will take care of you through it.
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Today Cinthia discusses an important issue and then welcomes Kelsey Pritchard of SBA Pro-Life America to discuss it further. Cinthia and Pritchard explain that the political conversation about abortion this election season includes significant misinformation and some outright lies. For example, candidates have indicated that abortions do not currently happen in the ninth month in the United States, but, in fact, they are legal for any reason up to birth in ten states and in DC. Many political ads and figures are insisting that pro-life laws will result in a lack of healthcare for women who need it, that doctors will even be prosecuted for simply providing lifesaving care to women, including performing surgery for an ectopic pregnancy. In fact, every state allows lifesaving care for the mother, even when it requires inducing labor at a time when the baby may or may not survive after birth. Care for an ectopic pregnancy is not medically or legally considered abortion, and abortion laws do not apply to these cases. This is because in an ectopic pregnancy there is no possibility of saving the child’s life; the pregnancy is not viable by any means. Assertions that pro-life measures or the absence of Roe vs. Wade will prohibit women from receiving lifesaving care for ectopic pregnancies are simply not true.
Another lie asserted in this election has been that infanticide is not allowed in any state; in fact, fifteen states allow infanticide of children born alive during an attempted abortion, something that happens on a regular basis. In fact, in 2019 Kamala Harris voted against the Born Alive Protection Act which would have required babies to receive care if born alive, the same care any baby born at the same gestational age would receive. Jill Stanek, a nurse at Christ Hospital in Chicago, testified in 2020 that she witnessed such infanticide and that, in the event a baby was born alive, it was only given “comfort care” and left to die of neglect. In one instance, she described finding a baby with Down Syndrome that was being transported to a soiled utility room to die; she rocked the child for 45 minutes before he died. (Even in states that do not allow it, whistleblowers say children are regularly allowed to die by neglect after being born through induced labor during an attempted abortion. Kermit Goznell, a Pennsylvania abortionist who was found to regularly and brutally kill children already born during attempted abortion, has been imprisoned for this, but the all-too-similar case of Douglas Karpin was dropped without prosecution.)
Many people in our country (including, no doubt, some of our faithful listeners) have had or been involved in abortions. People make mistakes, and there are some things we do that we wish could be undone. God can and does heal those who come to Him with grief over what they have done. The goal is never to shame a woman who has had an abortion or a man who has encouraged or been involved in one, but continuing to legally allow and encourage the practice does not heal those who are already living with guilt, shame, and regret. The political debate right now is about expediency, ease, and ensuring that there are no restrictions on the barbarism enacted on the most vulnerable members of our society. This is happening in the name of protecting women, but the abortion industry is not interested in protecting women. There may be some abortionists who truly believe they are helping women, however wrongly, but the political movement and the industry as a whole is focused on money and political power. As Pritchard states, “The abortion industry is not interested in women’s health, or they would not lie about the safety of abortion pills.” Most of the world seems to understand this human rights issue better than America does right now; in fact, 47 of 50 European countries have protections for the unborn by about 15 weeks gestation. Even most pro-choice Americans do not actually want what the Democratic Party is currently pushing. Over 75% of Americans support some sort of limitations on abortion; they do not support late-term or taxpayer-funded abortions. The Democratic Party is pushing for taxpayer-funded abortion for any reason and at any time in pregnancy, and those politicians who receive promotions from Planned Parenthood have signed their support for this. The industry intends to keep lying. Harris is clear that she will put a federal mandate in place; while she states she supports reinstating the “protections” of Roe vs. Wade, she, in fact, supports legislation much more extreme than Roe vs. Wade was.
Most of us don’t want to talk about this. We have somehow decided this is all just inevitable, that we cannot expect it to change or that we have no right to be concerned about whether someone else makes a choice to end a baby’s life. We want to accept the lines politicians use to make us think we are discussing safe medical procedures by caring professionals, ignoring the reality of the horrors happening in the buildings past which we drive. But just because a politician says something doesn’t make it true. We need to stop being naïve. We need to stop pretending that abortion is something done to make women’s lives better or to ensure their “bodily autonomy” and basic healthcare rights. We need to stop selling women the lie that abortion will solve difficult situations and empower them to resist oppression. We need to acknowledge and act to prevent atrocities, even when we would rather tell ourselves they are not happening. We need to vote with our eyes open and encourage others to do the same.
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Humans deeply need love and acceptance, so it may be surprising that they can have so much trouble accepting it. People may turn away compliments, shut down attempts to get to know them, or reject others before they can be rejected. How can beings who so desperately need relationships with other humans fight so hard against it? Why do people shut down, keep distance, run at the first sign of disagreement, dismiss compliments, or refuse help that would truly make a positive difference in life?
The fear of acceptance is often closely bound with the fear of rejection. Accepting the acceptance of another person can feel wrong to someone whose negative core beliefs include beliefs in their own worthlessness, etc. It can feel threatening to someone who fears having the newfound love and acceptance pulled away from them later when more is revealed and vulnerability is increased. Acceptance can also trigger fear of being overwhelmed by another and losing one’s own identity.
Good boundaries can allow us to accept love from others more readily. For example, when you know that accepting a compliment does not mean owing the one who gave the compliment, you can simply say, “Thank you!” and take the compliment. Without fearing undisclosed strings, you can reasonably accept appropriate help, gifts, or encouragement; if strings turn out to be attached, you can communicate your wish that this had been made known earlier and can discuss ways to settle things in the present. You can use the information available to make the best decision possible regarding the acceptance of love and help from others. In contrast, constant fear of obligation can lead to dismissing truly well-intentioned and beautiful gifts from others. Knowing yourself and having a foundation for your own identity can enable you to enter relationships with others without that you will lose who you are.
Two relationship styles that are rooted in early attachment experiences are avoidant, which involves avoiding intimacy or obligation, and ambivalent, which involves maintaining complicated mental dances and giving “come-here-go-away” messages. A third, known as disorganized, can involve even more extreme defenses against vulnerability and can even become more offensive than defensive. All of these can happen when we learn early to fear the very thing we need: human relationship.
If you have difficulty accepting the acceptance of others, begin by accepting yourself. Difficulty accepting yourself can make it hard to trust others who accept you. Engage with God, and ask Him for help to accept the way He made you, as well as to allow Him to change things about you that are not what He originally designed. Regarding the way He made you, accept that you are a created being and that God did not consult you about the way He made you. Nor should He have done so. He likes the way He made you. You can resist it, or you can learn to love what He loves about you. Satan influenced human beings not to revere God as our Creator, but, when we reject the plan of our Creator, we reject ourselves. Accepting God’s will gives us grounds to accept who we actually are, but this can be so difficult to learn to do. So say to God, “I don’t understand why You love me, like me, know how to do this, etc. I need Your help.”
We all get hurt. The healthier we get, the more insight and options we have. Be aware of your feelings when you get scared, and be gentle with them. Take a breath. See how it feels to experience acceptance. Recognize your fear of not being able to keep the acceptance. Accept that you are not God, and recognize that the One Who is loves you. Notice the shame operating and remind yourself of the truth. Shame blocks us from seeing and honoring our true feelings. It leaves us thinking we have to be better, and under its influence we may strive to be perfect to avoid drawing more shame. Courageous self-acceptance begins with believing that God is happy with how He made you, and that He paid for your failures with Jesus’s death on the cross, after which He rose from the dead, defeating the shame and death that the cross entailed. The enemy of our souls tries to undo and redo truth, but real truth sets you free. Pursue the truth. Say the truth. Choose to believe the truth. As an adult, you get to choose whether or not to believe the shame.
Perfectionism can make it difficult to accept yourself or to trust others who accept you. Remember, perfectionism is not just a quirk or the legitimate pursuit of excellence. Satan was made by God in a way that was perfect, but he did not want to be at the level of a created being. He wanted to be like God, and he harmed everyone with the perfection that had been gifted to him by God. When we indulge in perfectionism, we also harm ourselves and others with our pursuit of being something more than the human beings we are. We try to be more than human.
So allow the feelings that come with all of this, but manage your behaviors and teach yourself new thoughts. Learn to be happy with who you are and to accept God’s happiness with you. When you do this, those who love you will be happier, too. Accept God’s acceptance. He wants you to enjoy you as much as He does.
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The word “discernment” can have a lot of different meanings; today Cinthia discusses it as the process of determining what God is calling you to do. This can apply to vocation, marriage or singleness, and so many other important questions, and a given person can have several different callings at once (e.g., being married, working a particular job, etc.). Cinthia emphasizes today that God wants us to know what He wants for us and has given us tools for making these decisions. Discernment may seem mysterious at times, but it is more about awareness than any kind of weirdness. God has a call on every life, and He wants us to find that call. He wants us to know why He made us and what we are supposed to be doing on the planet.
Discernment is a gift that God gives us, so the first step is to ask God for wisdom, guidance, and help to follow His lead. James 1:5-6 (ESV) says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.” God made us, so it is important for each of us to ask Him who we are, why we are here, and what we are supposed to be doing. We need Him to help us know where to go and what to do. Those who crave and revere humility can become like majestic horses in tune with their riders (or, in this case, the Rider), responsive to the least amount of pressure in the desired direction.
God has made us with different parts that work together to help us discern where He is leading us. Cinthia discusses these as “the three brains:” the head, the heart, and the gut. The head is our rationality, our logic, the ability to think logistically, practically, and sensibly. The heart is more about emotion and passion; it involves feelings and may give us a sense that we just “have to” follow a particular path. We need to consider both the head and the heart as it can be unwise to trust one without the other. The gut is the third “brain” and tends to be “where truth lies.” It often brings our thoughts and our feelings together and gives us a sense of what to do in the midst of conflicting information from the other two. In fact, Cinthia notes that there is even research that confirms our “gut sense” as an important factor to consider when making decisions. Being aware of one’s own body signals is important because our “three brains” function inside our bodies, and our bodies often give us messages.
While there are times when we must act quickly, it is often wise to take time when it is available. The process of sifting through signals from our three brains and understanding what they are saying can take time. Time also allows for the gathering of outside information and experience; there can be clues in our lives that lead us to recognize God is calling us in a particular direction (e.g., things that happen when we were not expecting or looking for them to happen). It may be helpful to talk to others, especially those who are wise. Sometimes it helps to try moving cautiously in a particular direction and see what happens, then re-evaluate.
Examining one’s own personal value system is important in this process. We each have a value system, whether we recognize it or not. Each person has a set of principles or ideals that drives his/her actions and decisions. The value system needs to come from all three “brains,” acknowledging the information that comes from them and guiding them further. Cinthia emphasizes, “Your values define your character.” Being intentional about your value system and making decisions that are consistent with that value system will reduce the amount of choices you make purely from impulse or simply for instant gratification.
Sometimes we do not like the callings God gives us, at least at first. Cinthia experienced this and found that God had different and better plans for her than her own dreams would have given; she states, “The calling God has on my life was not the one that I chose, and it wasn’t one that, in the beginning, I was very happy about… I would have never known how much I loved it if I would have said no to God.” Living in line with the purposes our Creator has for us is ultimately far more fulfilling than insisting on our own dreams and desires. While there are certainly times when our dreams and desires turn out to be clues to what He wants for us, there are other times when He calls us to surrender those dreams and desires and hear Him say, “I’ve got something for you. I want you to step out and be brave and try it.” Sometimes being grown up means we accept that our fantasies are not meant to happen the way we hoped they would, and we learn to embrace the dreams He has for us instead. Jesus allowed Himself to die on the cross because He was motivated by God’s heart; He trusted God the Father enough to accept a path He did not want to embrace from the vantage point of Gethsemane. This plan ultimately brought (and brings and will bring) Him glory and joy forever, but it came by accepting the Father’s will over His own.
Discernment is for everyone. God is very good at opening doors, and He wants us to be able to discern His will. Discernment can be cultivated. It can also be made in steps. Take your time. Examine your value system, and then use all three “brains.” Reflect with your head; notice the feelings in your heart and the sensations in your body. Acknowledge what your gut is telling you. Ask God for wisdom, and be brave enough to seek the truth, even if it means you have to change. Discernment guides us to recognize wisdom and follow it, regardless of the cost, knowing that following any other path will ultimately cost us more.
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Do you acknowledge the choices you have? You may not always have the choices that you wish you had, but you always have a choice. Today Cinthia discussed what it means to take ownership of your life and the choices you have. Acknowledging your own choices means giving up the option to blame others for the entire direction of your life (although it does not mean accepting blame for things that were not your fault -- In fact, sometimes one of the choices you have is whether to accept and affirm that someone else’s choice was not your fault, however deeply it may have impacted you.). Even people in very tragic situations (e.g., POWs) have choices within their situations, though those choices may be more limited. Victor Frankl wrote about his experiences in German concentration camps; he observed that prisoners who chose to accept their situations but also find meaning in their suffering were more likely to survive the experience. They chose not to accept full victimhood by owning the choices that were theirs; they did not fully surrender their internal freedoms, even when their outward freedoms were horribly taken away and their mental states were affected.
When you choose to abdicate your own choices to others, this is also a choice. For example, do you abdicate your mood to others, to society, etc.? Think of all the choices you have in one day. How many do you abdicate?
Cinthia discussed the “Wise Choice Process” which involves using a template for the decision-making process. What is your decision-making process? How do you choose? One example has the following steps, which Cinthia illustrated with an example from her own life (i.e., deciding what to do about her anorexia when she was younger):
Define the problem. (This step impacts all the others. It includes owning the problem and can sometimes be very uncomfortable. It requires acknowledging reality honestly, as well as separating the symptom from the underlying problem. For example, Cinthia had to recognize that she needed to gain weight in order to stay alive and become healthy. She also had to recognize that this was problem was actually a symptom of a much deeper problem, which was the hostile relationship she had with herself. She did not feel good about herself and was very angry at her own body. She was using food/weight loss to try to mimic feelings of self-worth, gain a sense of power over her own life, get accolades from some others, and manage family dynamics.)Identify limiting factors. (For Cinthia, these include her intense fear of gaining weight, the impossibility of being objective about her own body at that time, difficulty trusting others to help her, not liking various aspects of reality and wanting to create her own, reliance on anorexia nervosa as a kind of empowering friend, enjoyment of the positive social rewards she got from continued weight loss, her own self-talk, aversion to eating around others, etc.; on the other hand, the possibility of death from anorexia represented a much more permanent limitation, one she would encounter if she did not overcome the other limitations.)Develop potential alternatives. (This can involve brainstorming and may sometimes involve others. The proposed solutions may not be perfect but have some kind of potential to move you toward health, though it must also be acknowledge that quick solutions may not ultimately solve the real problem. The discussion must focus on potential solutions to the specific problem, the real problem as identified in step 1. For Cinthia, options included trying to fix the problem on her own, beginning to eat with trusted others, and going into treatment.)Analyze the alternatives. (This may involve getting more information about costs and benefits. It is also a good time to notice any resistance within yourself and what this may tell you about your attachment to the problem; as much as you may hate the problem, it may also be providing you with some benefit or meeting some underlying need that will need to be met in other ways if you make steps toward solving the problem.)Select the best alternative. (Again, you may not have a perfect alternative and may have to decide among imperfect options.)Implement the decision.Cinthia discussed Adam and Eve as the human beings to make choices. God gave them choices, allowing them free will. Adam knew what he was doing even though he could not fully comprehend the outcome. But God also made choices in response to their choices. As Cinthia says, “We fell to hell, and God stopped the drop.” He could have let it go, leaving us to our own destruction, but He did not. Meanwhile, Adam’s sin brought fear, the first negative feeling. We were not originally designed for negative feelings. God also experienced negative feelings in response to our choices, but He was willing to accept different feelings to be in relationship with us, much like parents are willing to feel feelings to have their children and be in relationship with them. Adam’s choice brought knowledge. Knowledge is what brings fear and shame. However, God continued to offer them the opportunity to make good choices with their knowledge. Consider Deuteronomy 30:15-20. He offers us life and death. Sometimes our choices do not lead to immediate physical death but to the death of other things, like the dreams God has for us. We need to repent when we choose death, taking responsibility for our choices and turning instead to God. We can use our free will to submit our self-will to God’s will so that He can undo the damage of our sin. Consider also Ephesians 4:21-24.
Another decision-making model involves the following questions:
What is my present situation? (What is and is not working? Am I ok with it? We need to be truthful with ourselves. Go for objectivity here. Get feedback as necessary. Consider dreams, hopes, necessities, experiments, absolutes, etc.)What would I like my situation to be? (What would be the perfect scenario? It’s ok to fantasize at this point. This is not a guaranteed outcome; it is a direction for your brain.)What choices/options do I have?What is the likely outcome of each option that I have? (You may need to get more information to answer this question.)Which choice(s) will I commit to doing? (Do not pick them all at once. Limit the initial choices, but give them your all. Remember that not all choices are mutually exclusive, but some are.)You can use your choices to pursue the dreams God has for you, the purposes for which He made you. Sometimes our mistakes are just as valuable as our good decisions if they help us make better choices in the future. You always have a choice and, therefore, have a lot more power than you may give yourself credit for. Nobody really wants to change. Actually doing it, however imperfectly, is something to be proud of. It is owning your own life, and your life is a gift.
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Do you reject compliments, explaining why you don’t really deserve them? Do you get nervous when someone does something nice for you, turn down offers of help even when you could really use them, or hate the feeling you get when someone forgives you or extends grace and kindness your way? Today’s show is on letting other people love you.
It can be scary and humbling to let someone love you and give you grace. The enemy (i.e., Satan) will try to exploit this by encouraging you to think that you are in a one-down position. Sometimes it is easier to accept good things from a stranger because we do not worry there will be an ongoing obligation in the relationship. But grace, kindness, forgiveness, and help are meant to be gifts of honor. Do not insult the person trying to honor you by rejecting that honor.
So how do we honor the gifts of love others give us? Well, if we are gifted forgiveness, grace, and covering, change is the best response. Grace helps us have energy to get up again and do it right, to fix what we have broken, to undo what we have done. Allow people to love you when you mess up. Love covers a multitude of sins (I Peter 4:8). Covering often sounds negative to us because we confuse it with toxic secrecy or enabling. The kind of covering that God does for us, however, is not like this; it is a gift of grace meant to protect us while we are working on repentance and change. Think of covering wounds while they heal; we do not just bleed all over the house and allow the wounds to be open and exposed to further harm. We cover wounds appropriately to help them heal. Covering or hiding as a gift of grace means that those who love us choose not to expose our ugliness while we work on repentance and change, knowing that change takes time. God gives more because He has endurance people do not. Covering is not permission to keep deepening the wound; covering is beautiful.
If we are given courtesy or help, we can offer a sincere thank-you. Do not insult the person offering good because you are uncomfortable. Give courtesy and graciousness in exchange. Accept the gesture and be grateful for the thought. Good boundaries will help with this; do not try to read the person’s mind or assume their expectations without knowing them. If there is a motive, you are not obligated to recognize it unless they tell you. Unless you have real reason to believe they want something in return (e.g., the person has a history of trying to put you in his/her debt, or there are clear signs of a scam in play), then you cannot read minds to figure it out. You can, however, be nice. You can be polite, gracious, forgiving. “Our Father is kind; you be kind [Luke 6:36, The Message version].” Cinthia continues, “Kindness supports peace, and peace loves to linger. See, peace is a quality that expands. Kindness is a quality that is catching. God is a God of peace. He’s always going to war with the people that are harming us. And there needs to be that protection, and He’s able to restore and protect and to save those that are oppressed, harmed, wounded, injured.” So be gracious in your responses to others, and do not allow suspicion to steal the joy of the gift. If you find later that someone had ulterior motives (e.g., wanted something in return), you can say “no” then. You can say, “I wish you would have told me you were needing/wanting something in return. What can I do?” And if you cannot do what they want, you can tell the person that you will not be able to accept help from him/her in the future.
Cinthia discussed I Corinthians 13 and encouraged little ways to give kindness and spread mercy and truth. She also encouraged self-forgiveness, explaining, “The only reason for having baggage is not having attended to it; move on,” and, “You’re going to be able to love deeply if you also forgive yourself.”
Finally, Cinthia discussed Attachment Theory, which therapists use to discuss how humans attach, and how the motives behind a tendency to reject love often have to do with fear. She discussed the messages people with avoidant or ambivalent attachment styles can send others, such as, “Come here; go away,” and, “I could take or leave you.” She discussed both fear of rejection and fear of acceptance, explaining that God has made humans to need connection and that our defensive structures try to protect us from the pain of not being connected, as well as the pain of being connected, which is also threatening. Our defensive structures protect us too well; our radars give us false readings. We try to protect ourselves from harm, but we protect ourselves from what we need. There are scary implications for acceptance – fear of relationship, commitment, being loved or wanted, fear of the future, coming to depend on someone and then getting rejected, etc. – But the attempt to avoid this pain and loneliness tend to encourage a constant level of pain and loneliness. Are you ambivalent about relationships? Some part of you really wants connection, but it really frightens another part of you.
Cinthia recalled the “False Evidence Appearing Real” definition of fear and encouraged identifying the core beliefs behind our fears of accepting good from other people. For example, one might say to himself, “I’m not a good risk. I’m not going to do this -- all I’ll get is let down. I’m just going to keep working on myself by myself until I feel confident enough to put myself out there.” Cinthia recalled struggling with her own core beliefs about herself and realizing that part of acceptance was accepting herself. She explained that God finally said to her, “Cinthia, I didn’t consult you when I created you. I made you for me. I’m happy with you. I like the way I made you. I’m excited to spend eternity with you, Cinthia. So you can either get on the same page as me, or you can be miserable until you come home.” This led her to work on accepting the things she could not control, picking battles differently, getting stuck on fewer things, letting things go, etc.
We need to know the God Who loves us and to begin to accept ourselves. The more I accept myself, the safer I am to other people. The fears of acceptance and rejection never go away until heaven, so we need to let people love us.
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Today Cinthia talked about the costs and value of pleasure and virtue. In our culture, pursuing pleasure seems to make sense, to be part of living our best life. And pleasure can be a good thing; sometimes it can help us enjoy good things, mitigate pain, etc. But pleasure always has a price. Sometimes pleasure is worth the price, but sometimes it is not. Sometimes pleasure costs us more than we anticipated or acknowledged it would cost, both for us and for those around us. Sometimes, in our attempts to mitigate pain with pleasure, we create more problems and pain. Being willing to cause pain to others in order to secure pleasure for ourselves is called selfishness. Being willing to cause harm to ourselves in order to experience pleasure is problematic, as well, particularly for those who believe human beings were created with value by something bigger than ourselves; harming ourselves also ultimately harms others, as well.
Virtue also has a price. Pleasure and virtue each cost us something. Good character understands and respects the price of each. Consider the price and payoff of an addiction, whether a substance addiction or an over-attachment to some other form of pleasure/pain relief, as opposed to the price and payoff of sobriety. Pleasure often masquerades as being exactly what you need in the moment. To what do you cling? Are you addicted to fear, to a feeling, to indulgences like lying? These things collect other things. Virtue is more lasting. Are you willing to pursue virtue? It really matters.
What does your presence bring to others? The way we interact with each other matters. God partners with us perfectly even though we do not deserve it. Thank Him for that and for the people who partner with you; learn to be the kind of person you should be even when other people are not doing what they should do. Pay attention to the feedback of those who let you know how you are affecting them; the one who tells you the truth may be your friend.
In your relationships and human interactions, do you primarily deduct or deposit? Do you drain the people around you? Do others have to compensate for your emotional draws on a regular basis? Do you primarily take energy or give it? Do people have to recover from being with you, or do you help them recover from the world? Are you part of the harshness in the world? Do you take for granted that others will make up for what you take? Do you show up to the party empty-handed, expecting only to take and never thinking to give?
If you tend to take energy from others without realizing it, work on recognizing cues like facial expressions, breathing, etc. Notice what other people are experiencing instead of taking them for granted. We expect children to take without understanding the cost to others because they are learning to participate well in relationships, but we expect adults both to give and to receive. What are you doing for someone else? Do you hijack the conversation and hold it hostage? Do you require constant reassurance from others? Does your presence bring peace, happiness, calm, refreshing? When you show up somewhere, do the people leave feeling better because they talked with you? How do people typically feel about themselves after talking with you?
When we consider what to give others, remember that small gestures of kindness or courtesy can give people so much. It is not your job to fix, correct, or “help” everyone around you regardless of whether they want that help. We can do so much for others simply by being kind and courteous to them, which requires managing our own behavior. Start by simply not offending people with coarse words, etc. Consider the words you use and whether they are building or destroying. Remember, words have power to build and destroy. Are you saying the things that need to be said? Are you saying lots of things that are simply unnecessary and unhelpful?
For those of us who are Christians, it is especially important to reflect the generosity of God in the way we approach others rather than walking selfishly through the world, taking but not giving. While our salvation comes through believing in Jesus Christ -- His identity as the Son of God, His death on our behalf, and His resurrection – God does want us to do His work while we are on Earth. At the end of our lives we want Him to tell us, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” We are to be like Him, and He came to serve rather than to be served.
Our culture tends to emphasize focusing on what we want our own lives to be like. We can start to think that “being all you can be” means gathering as much pleasure and/or prestige for oneself as possible. II Timothy 3:1-5 describes what people will be like in the last days; are you one of these people? Selfishness is a problem here in our country, and we often justify it or even glorify it. Selfishness messes up the world and will harm you if you do not get a handle on it.
Moral virtue or excellence is closely concerned with pleasure and pain, with what is base and what is noble. Virtue has to do with actions, passions, and affections. Every affection and every action is accompanied by pleasure or pain, and pleasure and pain form our character. Virtue is able to accept both pleasure and pain, to do good things and deal with feeling bad. Vices make us feel good while we are engaging in them, but we generally know that regret will follow. Plato stated that man needs to be trained from his youth as to how to find pleasure and pain in the right objects and that this is what sound education means. We must train our brains, hearts, and minds to want goodness and virtue, which will always be with us to help us.
Cinthia referenced the poem “I Walked a Mile with Pleasure” by Robert Browning Hamilton. In this poem, Hamilton describes enjoying the company of pleasure but recognizing that he had not learned anything from it once it was over. Sorrow, however, taught him deep lessons. When we are able to learn from sorrow and choose wisely even when it means we give up some pleasure and accept some pain, we are maturing. Maturity helps us to say, “Yes, I could do that and get away with it, but then I would have to live with myself.” Freedom is not having to worry about what you have done; it does not come from being able to do whatever you want but from learning to do the right thing.
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The phrase “good vibes” has been around for a few decades now, and it is sometimes associated with cultural eccentricity. In fact, however, the phrase can be associated with electricity because the human body has electrical currents that travel up to 120 meters per second. The electricity in our bodies is real, and it is impacted by our habits, particularly those that involve mental hygiene. If you want to boost your positive vibes quickly, here are ten things you can do. Some of them may sound similar, but the nuances are different.
Think positively. This does not mean brainwashing yourself to believe what is not true or ignoring what needs to be fixed, but it does mean you look for what is really, truly good instead of automatically assuming the bad.Strengthen your memory for positive information. Your brain wants to help you by detecting threats early, so it often holds onto the negative memories. But you can purposely direct your brain to remember the positive things, too. Use recall for good.Stop minimizing your successes. Often we do this out of an attempt to be polite or humble, but dismissing what is good is not really either one. Your successes are important, and it might not look like anyone else’s successes. What is big for you? Wins are different for every single human. Do not push away compliments. Exercise control of your thoughts. Thinking changes the brain. Take control of your own mind. Think of your brain like a self-driving car: it can do lots of cool things and definitely has an autopilot function, but you still need to be at the wheel to be safe and use autopilot effectively. Use negativity wisely. Some things are truly bad. Some negative thoughts are true and need to be acknowledged. This is different than using negativity as your default. Acknowledge reality, and move in the best direction you can in response to it.Practice gratitude. Your brain and body love it; gratitude does wonderful things for them. Accept and validate your own feelings, but don’t believe everything they tell you. Remember, feelings are very real, but they are not always true. Gather the information they offer, but sort it through before making decisions.Accept that pain is inevitable and that you can choose gain in the pain. Many of us today want to avoid pain at all costs, but pain is often part of achieving important things.Control your behavior. Adults do this. We accept that children are learning to control themselves and will not always succeed, but, if you are an adult, hold yourself accountable as an adult. Judge yourself in a helpful way in order to determine what to do differently, rather than a condemning way that uses past mistakes to self-shame or beat yourself up. Acknowledging reality allows you to forgive yourself and move forward, making right what you can and accepting that you cannot change the past. -
For many of us, the harshest litany in our lives is the stream of self-evaluations running through our heads. This can seem harmless and even necessary to control our behavior; it is easily confused with appropriately holding ourselves accountable. But the way we deal with ourselves reveals a lot about our views of reality, and it tends to leak out into our relationships with others, though we may not be aware of that. Today Cinthia looks at two big (and related) reasons we are so hard on ourselves: unforgiveness and perfectionism.
Cinthia states that the following is an important rule of life: We accept forgiveness, and we offer forgiveness. These two actions often seem separate to us, and most of us find one easier than the other. The two are bound together, however, as Jesus showed in Matthew 6:9-13, often called “The Lord’s Prayer,” and in Matthew 7:12, often called “the Golden Rule.” (This last has reflections and corollaries that are found in every major religion, indicating that God has written it into our hearts at a deep level.) Jesus taught us to pray, “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.” He told us to do to others what we would want them to do to us. And He told us that the second-greatest commandment is to love others as we love ourselves (Mark 12:30-31). Our relationships with others and our approach to ourselves cannot be separated; this is why unforgiveness on either side of the equation produces sickness and disease in our bodies and souls.
Giving and receiving forgiveness both require an understanding of what forgiveness is not, as well as what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is not minimizing the offense, dismissing it, condoning it, or saying the offense was understandable or okay. Forgiving a bad thing does not mean calling it a good thing. It does not mean we will allow the harm to keep happening or will pretend the harm never happened; remember, trust and accountability are often separate issues from forgiveness. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean we will forget what happened; in some cases, that would not be safe to do. Forgiveness means that we turn the debt over to God and let Him handle the accounts. We stop trying to exact payment on our own, whether from ourselves or others. We give up the roles of prosecutor, judge, jury, and executioner. We see ourselves and others as valuable in spite of the choices made; we see people (including ourselves) as more than just the sum of actions committed.
For those who struggle with self-forgiveness, self-forgiveness can seem wrong, as if it dismisses the seriousness of the choice or the harm done by it. It seems too easy to let ourselves walk away from what we did. The problem is that God is the Judge, not us. He has made a way to forgive us because of what Jesus did on the cross. Receiving and embracing His forgiveness is not a dismissal of the seriousness of our actions or the harm done; after all, any choice that requires the blood of God’s Son to pay for it is serious. But adding our own mental self-punishment to Jesus’s sacrifice is not the same as taking our sin seriously; our self-flagellation cannot add ever equal the horror of the punishment He took for us. If we take our own sin seriously, we must also take seriously what He did about it.
Self-forgiveness means that we choose to live at peace with ourselves because God has chosen to live at peace with us. We may still attempt to repair damage done when that is possible (e.g., acknowledging, apologizing, making attempts to restore what we took from someone else when that is possible, etc.), but we recognize that refusing to forgive ourselves does not repair anything or help anyone. We choose to walk away from the mental torture of holding onto our sins and mistakes. We choose to see ourselves as more than our offenses. Cinthia models a statement like this one: “I am not proud of what I did, and I do not condone or minimize it. But I am choosing to move forward for the sake of my own health and well-being, as well the health and well-being of those who love me and those I am meant to impact.” You see, forgiving ourselves affects our relationships in ways we may not expect until we see it happen.
We are to forgive ourselves and others as we have been forgiven. But, if you struggle with this, remember that forgiveness is a process. Be patient with yourself, but do more than just resolve to forgive. Take steps to back up your forgiveness. When forgiving yourself, this may mean using some kind of meditation or affirmations to work on the way you talk to yourself and cut off the litany of mental self-harm that has become wired into your brain. It may mean choosing positive self-treatment even when you do not feel deserving of it, choosing to show love toward yourself with some kind of action that makes things better and not worse. It may mean seeing a therapist or life coach, keeping a diary, or engaging in your faith in a different way. Sometimes the refusal to forgive yourself becomes so entrenched that releasing it entails a loss of identity; without the self-judgment and orientation around our mistakes, you have to go to God and find out who He meant you to be and where He wants your life to go. Until now, you have been focused on your sins and mistakes; where will you go when you release yourself from this?
For some people, though, self-forgiveness is difficult even when the offense is simply being human or failing to meet unrealistic expectations. This is perfectionism. If you struggle with it, consider therapy or counseling of some kind because perfectionism will impact your life and the lives of those around you. Living our lives in self-loathing often involves making too much of the judgment calls of others, mentally echoing their negative evaluations of us again and again; if we try to get all our good feelings from other people, we will live in constant fear or regret over failing their expectations. Remember, you do not have to forgive yourself for being what God made you to be, though you may need to forgive yourself for not being what He meant you to be. Again, find out from Him who He made you to be and what purpose He has for your life. Make the changes needed to follow the purpose for which you were made. Have the conversation with God, "Why did you make me?" Base your self-assessments on the intentions of your Creator, not those of the people around you or your own ideas about who you should be. If you see yourself as needing to meet a higher standard than others, you probably need to look at this; it can, in fact, be quite arrogant to insist on being better than others. If surpassing others is what protects you from shame attacks, this is unstable. God made you a person. You are unique, even in the ways you mess up. But if you are evaluating your mess-ups by your own need to avoid the messiness of being human, you will not be able to face your life effectively. Martha Beck said that "welcoming imperfection is the way to accomplish what perfectionism promises but never delivers."
Incorporate appropriate self-acceptance into your lifestyle, and remember that acceptance does not mean agreeing or condoning all the choices. Laugh more; laughter is truly the best medicine. Give yourself some freedom to stop taking everything so seriously. Living in a state of being unable to forgive requires a lot of energy -- the constancy of hurt and blame is exhausting. Forgiveness allows you to live in the present instead of in the past. The only reason we revisit the past is to learn from it, not to beat up on ourselves. Self-forgiveness and self-acceptance increases our kindness to others. It allows us to live in the present, which opens the future with purpose; we can build instead of being held back. Practice accepting your emotions. And remember, you have no control over what people say and do, but you can choose whether to base your own life on the mixed-up feelings of others. Someone was hard on the people who were hard on you; break the chain by refusing to be hard on yourself and others. Learn from the past, and be grateful that you get to move forward. Take care of yourself. You are important to God. You are beautifully and wonderfully made. Accept this reality, and act on it.
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Have you ever thought that relationships and drama have to go together? That shouting matches and stand-offs are simply the price you pay to have any kind of intimacy in your life? It is true that relationships require effort, but work and drama do not have to be the same thing. Today Cinthia discussed her book Wars to Peace: When Relationships Go Nuclear, explaining that peace in relationships can be our default mode when we learn to control ourselves and act like adults. We can choose our battles and go to war honorably and occasionally. In short, she said, peace is possible.
Cinthia wrote Wars to Peace to explain a set of ideas she has learned in her own life and used with clients for years with many, many beautiful results. The book uses the DEFCON scale and the practices of first responders, soldiers, and others who have to remain competent in high-stress circumstances to explain how we can all learn to manage our own emotions and behaviors instead of living at the mercy of other people’s feelings and decisions. This model acknowledges that there are times we will need to “go to war” relationally, confronting serious offenses more intensely, but emphasizes that we do not have to live in relational war most of the time, and that, when we do “go to war,” we can do it well.
Many of the tactics described in this book involve managing one’s own inner world first. When we know our own beliefs, control our own behaviors, and monitor our own thoughts for truth and helpfulness, we stop participating in the sabotage of the relationships we most value, as well as the general chaos around us. We decrease our reactivity to the slights and offenses of others, actually choosing how upset to become in various situations. While this kind of self-management takes a lot of work, it comes with the pay-off of increased peace in our own internal worlds as we learn how to be okay whether or not other people change. It also enables us to spend far less time regretting our own actions and sabotaging the legitimacy of our own hurt by losing control of our behavior and becoming part of the problem instead of the solution.
None of this means that we will be without emotion in response to the world around us or that we will never need to take a hard line about anything. Some things are worth fighting for; some things are worth dying for. But the dirty socks beside the hamper are not on those lists, even when we consider all the emotional meanings that can be overlaid onto simple things by our relational histories. We can make choices about how “big” to get in response to our circumstances, including those caused by other people’s choices. We can decide when to “go nuclear” because it is the right thing to do in a few circumstances, but not to use it as a release valve simply because we are experiencing uncomfortable feelings. We can manage our own feelings (which is different than dismissing, denying, or belittling them) and measure our responses to each situation instead of being at the mercy of our own emotions and the emotional rise and fall of those around us.
Once we are engaged in managing ourselves well, we learn to engage with others in ways that actually help to create peace. While we do not change or control others, we do influence one another. Being people of peace makes us more able to create that peace in our relationships, at least as far as it depends on us. And sometimes it is surprising how much power our own responses really have to do things like defuse a tense situation, minimize the possibility of physical or emotional fall-out, etc. Again, this does not mean that we can control other people or that we take responsibility for their actions. There will be times that others make poor choices no matter what we do, and we will have to decide what to continue to tolerate. But we can make those choices much more calmly when we stop getting caught up in the shouting matches and stand-offs and emotional games.
It is important to understand that this is a process that requires work. Melting down whenever we feel like it is easier. But this is what it means to be an adult, and it is what enables truly adult relationships. The process starts when we take a deep look at ourselves and get to know our own relational toolboxes, learning how and when to use our tools well. We learn to differentiate between discomfort and actual threat. When we manage our own emotions and do not depend on others to make us internally peaceful, we can save the adrenaline-inspired responses for times we encounter serious things – things that are illegal, immoral, unethical, or dangerous. We can use our adrenaline to fuel productive responses instead of throwing emotional gasoline on the fires around us. We are less easily manipulated.
Wars to Peace also offers tools for learning to understand others better than we did so we can interact with them appropriately. People are different from one another, and learning to adapt our approaches in the face of differences in gender, personality, and temperament helps us relate better. As Cinthia says, we learn not to “pet the cat backwards,” even though the dog would not mind. This does not mean tiptoeing around others or being ingenuine; it means acknowledging that people process things differently and will hear us better if we communicate in ways that make sense to them. We will also be less likely to misunderstand their communications to us when we understand their communication styles and our own ways of hearing. We can refuse to pay attention to these differences or to accommodate them in any way, waiting instead for others to accommodate us, or we can use the tools that are available to maintain ourselves and communicate well with others. It also turns out that people who use their own relational and emotional toolboxes well tend to attract other people who do the same. People who do not go around complicating everything tend to be more attractive to other people who do not go around complicating everything.
Life is hard, and relationships require work. But we can make our work more productive and satisfying when we point it in the right directions instead of staying on the treadmills of drama. If you are looking for tools to increase your own relational and internal peace, Cinthia’s Wars to Peace has much to offer.
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Today Cinthia continues a topic she started earlier in the month: how to know whether someone loves you. Relationships are complicated, whether they are romantic relationships, friendships, or family ones. When we are most vulnerable, sometimes the wrong things get exaggerated, and the things that are true get minimized. So how do we know when someone loves us – or, at least, how to know when someone loves us in a way we can trust?
People are imperfect. A person who loves you in a healthy way can humble himself or herself when wrong, ask for forgiveness, and accept forgiveness. That person can also forgive you quickly, though he or she may need time to heal; needing to rebuild trust over time is not the same as denying forgiveness. A person who loves you with a healthy love will be committed to getting over your wrongs as quickly as possible, but acknowledging the depth of the wound and the time it takes to heal is part of what makes healing happen. Continuing to heal is necessary, but keeping a record of wrongs for the sake of power over another person or out of bitterness is a different thing.
If you are the one who has been harmed and the person who loves you is giving you time to heal, it can help to express appreciation for this. Do not say you are fine and pretend to be over it when you are not, but don’t over-complicate the transgression, either. It is ok to be where you are and let the healing process happen. Secretly nursing wounds, ruminating, etc., does not further your healing process; healthy grieving does. Healthy love is honest and merciful at the same time, and it does not take humanness personally. Similarly, when someone forgives you, appreciate it and do not overcomplicate it in return, getting more stuck on your offense than the other person is. It is not the offended person’s job to help you get over yourself.
A person who loves you is courteous, polite, and gracious to you and not only to others. A person who loves you will honor what you need, even if he or she does not understand it. It may be inconvenient or uncomfortable, but the person will care about what you need because he or she cares about you. When someone shows this care, it is appropriate to express appreciation.
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Today Cinthia conducted two interviews with individuals who work in areas significant to events happening in the world. First, she talked with Kelsey Pritchard, who is the director of state public affairs for SBA Pro-Life America; she was previously the communications director for former South Dakota governor Dennis Daugaard and has also worked in the private sector. Pritchard talked about the significance of the Dobbs decision and the way society has shifted in its thoughts about abortion since Roe v. Wade. She discussed the way the narrative has altered with deceptive language and misinformation so that a woman with an unplanned pregnancy may easily find herself thinking that abortion is her only real option. She also discussed studies by the Charlotte Lozier Institute that have looked at the impact of abortions on the women who have them, as well as the reasons they report having had those abortions in the first place; Pritchard stated that about two-thirds indicate they did not really want the abortions they got but that they felt some kind of pressure, either from people in their lives (e.g., partners, family members, etc.) or from financial constraints.
Cinthia and Pritchard noted that, while it makes sense to be outraged at the searing of our societal conscience so that we are now discussing abortion as something women need for their health and freedom, this should not translate into shaming individuals who have had abortions. Cinthia discussed working with clients who have been deeply wounded by their decisions to have abortions and the realization some of them experienced later that resources existed but that they had been too embarrassed to ask. She also noted that, when a person already feels shame, that person becomes more vulnerable to coercion. Cinthia also discussed her own adoption and the gratefulness she feels to her birthmother, despite having never been able to meet her. She has learned that her birthmother, who is now deceased, hid the pregnancy with Cinthia from her family; Cinthia admires her birthmother for having done whatever was necessary to have allowed Cinthia’s life to happen, placing her for adoption instead of aborting her in one way or another. Cinthia also noted that God is not thwarted by abortion and does not abandon His creation, even when that creation is killed, that He “still has a plan for the aborted baby.” He has been dealing with the choices of sinful human beings for a long time and still makes everything beautiful in His time.
Pritchard encouraged listeners to vote well and to engage in truthful conversation about ballot measures, etc. She reported that this election year involves both national attempts to secure abortion on demand and deceptively-worded ballot measures in six states that seek to sound like they ensure necessary and reasonable health care for women. One ad even stated that women would die without a particular ballot measure, although, in fact, every state with pro-life laws already has exceptions for emergency care for the mother. There is no state in which women’s lives are endangered by lack of access to abortion. In some states, abortion advocates are targeting babies with disabilities, insisting that mothers should be able to abort their children if they receive prenatal diagnoses they consider too limiting for the child; aside from the fact that disabilities do not remove the possibility of life and happiness for children (or their families), the frequency with which these diagnoses are wrong is a huge concern.
Pritchard discussed the many pregnancy support centers around the country as the “backbone,” as well as the “hands and feet” of the pro-life movement, providing women in crisis situations with housing, resources, money, emotional support, and more. She encouraged listeners to support and become involved with these centers, and Cinthia encouraged praying for them as they fight on the front lines for women and their families. She called the battle for the unborn “the human rights struggle of our time” and stated that it will continue to be a battle for a long time. Cinthia also encouraged praying about getting involved, asking what God wants you to do, and not being afraid of people.
Next, Cinthia spoke with Dr. Mitch Glasser, the current leader of Chosen People Ministries. Glasser is a Jewish believer in Jesus. Though He grew up in Orthodox Judaism, attended Hebrew school, and received his Bar Mitzvah, Glasser went on to become involved in drug use. When some of his friends became involved in the Jesus Movement, he felt angry and protective and went to attempt to help them get away from what he thought to be a very negative influence. He eventually encountered and recognized the Presence of God during a prayer before a meal with this group, which confused him, and he asked God to show him the truth. He then found a New Testament in a phone booth in the redwood forest where a phone book should have been and began reading it. He was surprised to find that Jesus was truly and faithfully Jewish, and He came to believe that Jesus was and is the Messiah promised to the Jewish people and, through them, to the world. He recognized Jesus’s Deity as he read the Sermon on the Mount and the lineages because of his own identity as a Jewish man. He knew about God and could recognize God, and he realized, “If anybody is God and speaks for God, it’s [Jesus.]” He read the Old Testament again, now with a new understanding and recognition. He recognized Jesus as the Suffering Servant in Isaiah 53 who had died in his place and risen from the dead. When he realized that he was not fighting against the Gentiles but against another Jewish person, One He recognized as the promised Messiah, Glasser became a follower of Jesus and found that he had “never felt more Jewish.” He states, “In fact, I have never seen a Jewish person accept Jesus and not become more Jewish.” He read II Corinthians 5:17 and realized that this was what was happening to him.
Glasser then had to deal with the realities of being a Jewish believer. He feared his family’s response. He encourages listeners to understand that there is a long and troubling history of how Jewish people have been treated by the Church and that it can promote hostility. Still, he had seen that God could break through to his heart, and he longed to help other Jewish people recognize and follow the Messiah God had sent.
Glasser explained that his work with Chosen People Ministries has become even more complex recently. He explained, “Circumstances in the last year have shifted to such a degree that” Jewish people have become “the football that everybody’s passing around and nobody seems to want to handle.” Glasser stated that the misunderstanding about Israel’s response goes beyond human hatred. He states that we will fail to understand what is happening if we miss Satan’s cosmic hatred of the Jewish people, through whom God promised to bless the entire world and through whom He continues His plan. Glasser stated that Satan wants to destroy the Jewish people before they finish blessing the nations, especially since they will be involved in events that usher in the eventual demise of Satan that Jesus will accomplish.
Listeners who are interested in Glasser’s work can learn more at www.chosenpeople.com, as well as www.Ifoundshalom.com, which includes one hundred testimonies of Jewish believers. Glasser also encouraged listeners to view the Oppose Antisemitism site and learn more about how to become involved.
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For every person in the world diagnosed with an addiction or mental disorder, there is at least one other person trying to help someone in this condition. Families are deeply impacted, and these situations can be ripe for misunderstanding, misinformation, and stigma. Today Cinthia explores how to love well when a loved one struggles with a mental illness or addiction. She began at the beginning of Luke 10 and explored issues related to boundaries and codependency in several passages leading up to the parable of the Good Samaritan. She then looked directly at the parable and discussed what he did and did not do to help the wounded man, as well as whether he might have had to respond differently if he had been trying to help his own relative. Cinthia noted that the Good Samaritan offered simple help, not judging or lecturing, not becoming over-involved, but valuing the wounded man and helping him by giving what he could with appropriate expectations.
Sometimes humans complicate it when God asks us to help others. Cinthia encouraged self-reminders that kindness is free and can be given to anyone. Kindness is not validating inappropriate behavior or trying to teach someone how to change, though it can model a different lifestyle. Kindness does not mean assuming best-friend status and does not leave the recipient owing anything. It is simply kindness. Part of how we know whether we are practicing good boundaries is that we are able to give freely without unrealistic expectations; we do not gain identity from helping the person get better or become resentful if the person rejects or disappoints our efforts. Good boundaries help us not to take everything so personally.
If someone close to us struggles with an addiction or mental illness, we generally have two choices: We can interject ourselves into their situation or be simply a compassionate observer. A compassionate observer does not take responsibility for figuring out, fixing, teaching, reforming, etc. A compassionate observer can be aware of problematic behavior while acknowledging his/her own inability to comprehend all the internal and external factors involved. A compassionate observer can value another person regardless of his/her behavior but does not give past the point of being able to release expectations his or her own expectations for the results. A compassionate observer can accept that people’s lives are messy and that getting involved in the lives of human beings is a messy business. A compassionate observer can offer some help, particularly when it is requested, but must have good boundaries when doing so. Boundaries can be most easily understood as awareness of “where I end and you begin.” When we do not know where we end, we often become way too involved in the lives of others and end up hating or despising the people we were trying to help when all our attempts to help them change are frustrated or disappointed. People have problems that aren’t solved for lots of reasons, and we don’t always know all the reasons. Without appropriate expectations, we develop compassion fatigue, which leads to resentment.
We can easily overestimate our own ability to understand a given situation. Sometimes, as we watch a loved one struggle, we say to God, “You could fix this.” Cinthia reminds us to take a deep breath and remember Who God is. Remember the cross, the beatings, His entire creation turning against Him. God knows how humans can be, and He understands factors we cannot know. He knows what it is like to offer someone help, only to have that person reject it in favor of his/her own best ideas. He actually does know what is best for us and has the right to have plans for us (something we cannot say about ourselves regarding the people we are trying to help), and He still experiences our resistance and rejection of His offers. One question to consider in determining what you can give freely in a given situation is how educated you are regarding that situation. Do you have experience with the relevant issues? Do you have training? If you don’t, you might seek general education to help guide your attempts (Make sure to use reputable resources, such as the National Institute for Mental Health [NAMI] or the Mayo Clinic.), or you might simply collect names of professionals, etc., to whom you can refer the person when they want help. This can be helpful, but don’t try to be the resource or treatment professional. Be careful about ruling out options for the person. For example, sometimes Christians are nervous about the use of psychotropic medications and may even discourage loved ones from using them when prescribed. Psychiatrist Dr. Harnish notes that the devil uses various weapons to attack us and that, as such, it often makes sense to use a variety of weapons in response. He describes physical interventions such as medication, emotional ones such as counseling, and spiritual ones such as prayer and Scripture reading as different branches of the military. He encourages using each of these weapons as needed as a country might use different branches of its military to combat different tactics brought against it.
Humility is crucial when dealing with addictions and/or mental illness, whether we are the ones struggling or the ones loving someone else as they struggle. Just the person struggling must humble himself/herself to accept needed help, the person trying to help must humble himself/herself to accept that the loved one is free to reject his/her help and suggestions. Sometimes phrasing helps: “I have an idea, and I’m wondering if you’d be interested,” may be a helpful start. Telling the person all the ways he or she has failed or should have done things differently typically does not help. When making a suggestion, consider your timing. Remember that you are not the person’s parent (unless you are and that person is a child), lawyer, doctor, or boss; you are not God. You are a compassionate witness; see and offer help only within appropriate boundaries.
Remember not to define people by their disorders. Don’t walk on eggshells. Let them lead the way. Help when they ask for help unless such help is not helpful, and then say that you don’t feel comfortable doing that. Keep it simple. God honors weakness and really values honesty. Also, remember that most diagnoses have a continuum of severity. One person with Diagnosis A may experience it very differently than another person with the same diagnosis.
Make sure your own life is working. Tighten down your own self-care. This gives you strength to help the person when he or she wants help, as well as to love the person when he or she falls, and it models what good self-management can be like. Get sleep, rest, recreation, and support. Consider going to a supportive group such as NIMH, Alanon/Alateen, etc.; go to at least two meetings before you rule it out. Mental illness, addiction, and even recovery are all processes that are easy to “get lost in,” and this is as true for loved ones as for the person who struggles directly with the problem. Boundaries are hard to maintain in these situations, but they are crucial. Pray for the person, be a compassionate witness, and “do your side of the street.”
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Have you noticed that love can look different ways at different times? Sometimes love is soft and gentle, and sometimes it is firm. Sometimes it tells us everything we need to hear, and sometimes it waits silently. It can be confusing, so how do we know when we are truly loved and when we are loving others well? Today Cinthia discusses characteristics of real love between one human being and another.
A person who loves you will not be perfect but will be humble when he or she has been wrong. A person who loves you well will ask for and receive your forgiveness. This is especially important in personal relationships.
When you are the one who was wrong and you humble yourself to ask forgiveness, a person who loves you well will forgive you quickly, even for a big offense. This does not necessarily mean that trust will be instantly restored or that the hurt will evaporate; you must be realistic in allowing the person time to heal. You must rebuild trust. But, while trust may need to be earned back over time, forgiveness will be free and will come more quickly. The person will not hold grudges or say that things are fine, only to attack you with passive aggression. The person will also differentiate between signs that you are imperfect and signs that you are truly dangerous.
When someone loves you well, that person honors what you really need, even if it is inconvenient or uncomfortable for him/her, and even if it is not the same as what he/she needs.
A person who loves you well is courteous and gracious, especially within the relationship.
A person who loves you well supports you in your feelings and struggles. The person will not publicly shame or reject you for your mistakes and will still “claim” you, even if he or she cannot approve of what you did. The person will gently tell you the truth, though, privately and kindly letting you know when you are harming your relationships and not being the best version of yourself.
A person who loves you well will not “keep score.” He or she will not overcomplicate your every mistake with a list of all the things you have ever done that were problematic in any way. However, that person will continue to believe in the best version of you, the person you can grow to be, and will encourage you to become that person.
How do you know what kind of person to trust? You can observe the person’s response under stress, the way the person treats subordinates and strangers, the way the person treats his/her parents (There are some families that are so toxic that a person may have to limit or cut off contact, but this is not the norm and should not be a person’s automatic response to imperfection.), the way that person talks about others when they are not around, the level of honesty a person demonstrates, whether the person can hear others or is always focused on self, and other signals discussed in the podcast today. Do not gloss over the evidence of a person’s character, hoping it will simply be what you want it to be. There is a difference between demanding perfection and simply acknowledging character and choice patterns. We will not find perfect people with whom to have personal relationships, but a basic fit in value systems matters very much.
It is also important to look at your own life and identify how to get help for yourself. James 5:16 tells us to confess our sins to one another and pray for each other so that we may be healed. This does not mean that you make everything public, but it does mean you have to open up to some others sometimes, especially about your struggles. The passage goes on to talk about the prayer of a “righteous” person being powerful and effective; this tells us something about the person or people in whom we can confide. “Righteous” does not mean that the person will be perfect; the only perfection available to human beings on earth is the perfection Jesus accomplished, the perfection God now sees in us when we trust in what Jesus did for us. But, when deciding to confide in someone, make sure the person sees himself/herself through this lens rather than thinking he/she is perfect outside of that. The person should know how to mess up and recover and should take seriously the love of God for each one of His children.
Sometimes we do not want to ask for help from others. We feel embarrassed at having our sin exposed for what it is and can begin to get wrapped up in everything we could and should be, which paralyzes us. Remember, God wants to help you learn who you really, truly are, why He created you, what the point was, and why He is happy that He made you. Often, He uses us to help each other learn these things. It is okay to ask for help. You may have to keep asking until you get what we need, but you are worth that. Remember that Jesus accepted help from Simon of Cyrene when He could no longer carry His own cross. Accepting help changes things forever. Be a leader in your family, community, etc., by getting the help you need and doing what it takes to become all that God means for you to be. You only have one life. Get what you need so you can live it. Your struggles do not just impact you, even if it seems like they are not hurting anyone else; your struggles really do affect the people in your life, as well. Get over yourself for their sake and yours; ask for help in order to pursue the life God intended for you to have.
Sometimes we need help from professionals. What are some signs that you might need professional help? Well, if you are struggling with something dangerous, illegal, immoral, or unethical, you may need help to loosen its hold. Thoughts of harming yourself or someone else indicate you need help in your journey. Sad or anxious feelings that seem overwhelming or come with troubling thoughts, difficulty concentrating, or changes in energy level can be a sign. Specific problems that impact your life, such as addictive or compulsive habits, can be a sign, as well. Distress itself can mean that you need help. A sense or feedback from others that you are losing touch with reality can also be an important sign; while people are often embarrassed about this one, it is just another human coping skill that, like other coping skills, can cause problems if we do not get help. Do not despise the human condition; humans need help. So take care of the one God loves (by which we mean you) by getting the help you need. Even if you don’t value yourself, God values you highly. You can join Him in that.
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Why do human beings get defensive? Why does defensiveness feel so powerful when it arises inside us? And what can we do to deal with it?
Defensiveness is a way to protect the self-concept; it often occurs when a person perceives that his image or self-image is under attack. The truth is that we spend a lot of time misrepresenting ourselves to one another and to ourselves; it is hard to admit to ourselves and to others that we are really not all that we ought to be. Our misrepresentations are distortions of reality. Some of those misrepresentations can seem harmless or even helpful at times; we may try to appear confident during public speaking, which may actually increase our confidence over time. We might try to present ourselves as being in a good mood when we are actually depressed, and, in some cases, this may cheer us somewhat or help us not to be too vulnerable in front of the wrong people. But distorting reality is a slippery slope, and our behavior can easily slip into the realm of lying. We deceive ourselves and others into believing only the positive aspects of our personalities. Then, when we have a sense that our other parts are going to be exposed, or when we start to suspect that we have been lying to ourselves and are about to have to face an uncomfortable reality, we feel afraid. Anxiety and guilt can occur when we recognize that we are not who we really should be or that others do not see us the way we want to be seen. (This happens a lot in couples, workplaces, and other settings where it becomes hard, unwise, or impossible to maintain our positive-only presentations over time.) Defensiveness offers to help alleviate that guilt and anxiety. It offers a sense of protection when we perceive ourselves to be under attack.
We have lots of defense mechanisms for self-protection, and they are not all unhealthy. In fact, sometimes defense mechanisms can help us survive in positive ways. But unhealthier defense mechanisms help us accept who we are without trying to change, and that is not best for us or for those around us. (Healthy acceptance of who we are does not mean agreeing with all our own tendencies or defending our own bad choices.) Another problem with the unhealthy use of defense mechanisms is that, when we distort reality, communication suffers. We may not even be aware of what we are doing, or we may realize it as we are doing it but not stop. Then we try to bolster ourselves, and this is where trouble comes. We think our defense mechanisms are helping us be more courageous, but this is wrong. We become liars because we do not like what we know is true.
Human beings have lots of defense mechanisms. (And, remember, there can be healthy ways to protect ourselves.) By becoming aware of the most common defense mechanisms, we can use them less often, becoming happier and more secure about who we are. This is a step toward more effective communication, better relationships with ourselves and others, and, ultimately, a better relationship with reality. We do not have to spend our whole lives constantly defending ourselves, and doing so tends to lead us toward being things we were never meant to be.
Here are a few of the most common defense mechanisms, starting with the most primitive:
Denial of reality: This is simply trying to pretend that what is true is not true, and what is not true is, in fact, true. Rationalization: This is trying to justify what we know is not really OK; it is thinking up a logical but untrue explanation for your behavior. It may begin with convincing ourselves, but we may go beyond trying to convince ourselves and try to get everybody else to agree that our justification is right.Compensation: This is when we avoid facing a problem by stressing a strength in its place; perhaps we try to be so good in one way that it will balance, erase, or distract from the ways in which we are not so good. There are also more direct forms of compensation, such as using alcohol to avoid loneliness; we simply seek something that feels good in order to minimize our awareness of the bad.Reaction formation: This is acting in a way that is exaggerated and opposite to the actual truth. Perhaps we rail against a particular evil in public, hiding the fact that we cannot seem to stop indulging in the behavior in secret. Perhaps we insist we do not care what others think, wrapping our identity around apathy or nonconformity to avoid our fears that we will fail to be what others want. Projection: This is disowning unpleasant or unwanted parts of ourselves and attributing them instead to another person, a fantasy, or something else outside ourselves. We may insist that someone else seems upset when, in fact, we are down ourselves, or that someone else is untrustworthy when, really, we do not trust ourselves.In order to more effectively deal with our own defensiveness, we first have to identify it. One way to do this is to notice when we feel attacked. We can notice our alarm signals, our breathing, the sensations in our bodies. Warning signs of defensiveness can include tightening gut, adrenaline rush, a sense of threat or rejection, paranoia, quickening pulse or breathing, etc. It is important that we monitor our bodies and our thoughts. Sometimes these warning signals indicate that we are in actual danger, while other times they simply mean we perceive some kind of challenge to our image or self-image.
Next, we can find a way to take a break, or at least a breath. We can intercept the physical symptoms. We can excuse ourselves to the restroom, splash water in our faces, take short walks and long, deep breaths, remind ourselves of reality, remind ourselves we do not have to be perfect and what gives us worth, remind ourselves we are loved, etc. We can even leave the environment elegantly. We can keep ourselves safe without being defensive. Remember, we control our actions, but the responses that come to those actions are out of our control. Thoughts are particularly crucial when avoiding defensiveness; we can respond to a negative with a something positive internally. And sometimes we can avoid situations in the first place that are likely to provoke our deepest vulnerabilities, reducing the likelihood that we will start to react defensively.
We can learn to control our defensiveness; if we do not do so, we make life difficult for ourselves and others. Dealing with defensive people can be exhausting. The best way to blunt the effects of someone else’s defensiveness is to avoid becoming defensive in return, even when provoked. We can acknowledge to ourselves that a given problem is the other person’s and not yours. We can be friendly and listen well, resisting the urge to evaluate, criticize, or suggest. Remember, we do not always have to prove our points or show someone else that he is wrong. We can consider whether we have the relationship to address a problem with that person, whether anyone is being harmed, etc. Defensiveness is a self-esteem issue, and, when you deal with someone who is defensive, you are dealing with someone who has self-esteem issues. Avoid getting sucked into a superiority battles. We can offer empathy without agreeing and can detach in a way that frees others and ourselves.
- Visa fler
