Avsnitt

  • Preparing for maternity leave and the start of the mental load.Career coach to help moms navigate a career and children.

    Women deal with a lot of emotions and roadblocks going into and coming back from maternity leave. How do we better prepare ourselves, our workplaces and our partners so the mental load at home and at work isn’t as bad? We had a great episode a couple weeks ago with Sarah Reeves about how to help shape the workplace into one that is more supportive for caregivers, so today’s conversation I think is going to be a nice follow-up to how to prepare yourself for the changes that come with becoming a mother and taking on more of the mental load both at home and in the office.

    Today's guest is Lauren Gordon. Lauren is a dual-certified life and career coach for working moms, and a former senior leader in human resources at a global financial services company. She specializes in helping working moms fully enjoy life with a career and children, without trading happiness for a paycheck.

    Lauren runs her own coaching practice where she works one-on-one with working moms who are navigating a wide range of personal and professional challenges. Lauren's areas of expertise include helping women to overcome feelings of stress, guilt, and overwhelm; ending imposter syndrome by growing their self-confidence; addressing people-pleasing and perfectionistic tendencies; navigating career decisions; and more.

     Lauren lives in a suburb of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania with her husband, Eli, and their three young daughters, ages 7, 5, and 3. When Lauren isn't coaching and teaching working moms, you can find her taking Peloton classes, reading, and continually trying to improve her cooking skills to keep up with the other members of her monthly cookbook club.

    Visit www.laurengordon.com to learn more about how to work with Lauren, and follow her on Instagram @workingmomcoach for tips you can begin applying to your life today.

    The mental load isn’t just something that shows up at home, it’s also something that creeps in to our work lives. In the workplace, women spend more time on “non-promotable tasks” than men, which is unpaid work related to social or administrative “office housekeeping.” These types of activities are vital to maintaining company culture and strengthening team connections, but are not valued as strategic — and therefore come with little to no recognition, appreciation, reward, or career advantage.

    In this episode, we explore:

    Where the mental load started for usWhat emotions women are facing personally and professionally going into maternity leaveWhat the mental load looks like professionallyHow we can better prepare women for maternity leaveHow the mental load perpetuates the stereotype that women are distracted or somehow not as good at their jobs after they have kidsHow men prepare for maternity leave and how it looks different than womenHow to prepare to return from maternity leave

    Mentioned in this episode:

    Joy School Affiliate Link

    https://thepathtojoy.thrivecart.com/melissa-blooms-joy-school/partner/

  • How do countries outside America support families and therefore lighten the mental load?

    What do nordic countries do to support families:

    Baby boxes with important newborn items to set families up for successPaid parental leave In Norway, parental leave is paid at full pay for the first 44 weeks or at 80% if parents opt to take 54 weeks. To encourage both parents to play their part, fathers must take at least six weeks' parental leave or risk the family losing payments for the same period.Free universal childcare from 18 mo - 7 yearsCapped childcare costsStrong gender equality in the workforce:Gender quotas legislate for a 40% female presence in the country’s parliament and on business boards, resulting in a strong female presence – Norway’s prime minister, minister of finance and minister of foreign affairs are all female, while women make up 41% of the C-suite.

    What happened to America?

    "Ronald Reagan: by 1980 the Moral Majority, the main Evangelical lobby, had almost half a million members (Diamond 174).2 These new activists had three priorities, and they were directly related to the sexual revolution of the 1960s and the issue of women’s rights: the denunciation of homosexuality, the fight against abortion (which was famously declared constitutional by the Supreme Court with its Roe v. Wade decision in 1973), and the rejection of the ERA (the Equal Rights Amendment) (Martin 162-166, 193-194). In the late 1970s, Ronald Reagan quickly understood the incredible electoral potential of the Christian Right."

    These policies all hold women back economically by making childcare unaffordable (which means we have to puzzle piece it together).

    Once covid hit, moms were spending five hours a day more on chores than men

    Hit women of color especially hard bc there are stricter gender norms

    When we’re faced with this onslaught of policies that harm more than they help, we decide to leave the workforce. 

    The nation loses a major economic factor:

    Household earnings therefore spending go downCompanies lose more workers and therefore innovation

    Why don’t we view it as economically beneficial to support families?

    America’s lack of family support rests on a false assumption: that providing help discourages parents from taking responsibility for their children.

    And while other wealthy countries spend an average of $14,000each year per child on early-childhood care, the U.S. spends a miserly $500. Underlying each of these bleak truths appears to be the same, misguided belief: that government support for parents is at odds with parents being responsible for their kids.

    Helping parents is not the same as parenting, and support does not replace real-life parents.

    Why do we think tough love is good for families as policy?

    Treating parenting with punitive punishment
    What are the good things to come from supporting families and why should we care?

    We know that in countries with greater gender inequality just closing the gap in women’s labor force participation could increase economic output by an average of 35 percent. 

    New Mexico used $77 million in American Rescue Plan Act dollars to create the Competitive Pay for Professionals (CPP) program to fund $3/hour pay increases for an estimated 16,000 child care staff.37 Iowa used $30 million to provide $1,000 and $2,000...
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  • The mental load of meal planning.Why families struggle with meals and how it creates invisible labor for women.

    Meal planning, it's a bitch, right? In this week's hot take, Angie, discusses how her family of six has tackled meal planning. And, if we do say so ourselves, it's kinda genius.

    Instead of meticulously planning out each meal and the ingredients or making everything on the weekend to simply reheat on the weeknights, they've picked a theme for each night, so the guess work is less and the kids know what to expect.

  • Maternity Leave and the mental load

    Maternity Leave isn't a vacation. In fact, it's where the mental load really starts and becomes one-sided.

    Today we discuss how Employee Resource Groups can help support and lighten the load for not just moms, but all caregivers, joined by Sarah Reeves.

    Sarah is a girl mom to Ella 8, Norah 5, Husband Aaron of 13 years. She's the Director of Product Management at one of the largest internet companies to date. After her first child, she co-founded a global employee resource group for parents that evolved to include caregivers of all kinds. Sarah loves to swear, especially during passionate discussions.

    What is the issue? 

    Modern parenting expectations set women up even before the birth to carry the majority of the mental load. And that load continues to avalanche in from pregnancy into maternity leave.

    Gaps in community/village supportTwisted perceptions (mat leave is a vacation) and the additional pressures put on parentsInternalized expectations, maternal gate-keeping, martyrdom Why you can’t comparing maternity leave to vacationYour body is restoring itself after a traumatic event, not recovering after cocktails on the beach.This is prime time for cocooning, not for indulging your social butterfly side at the cruise ship dinner buffet.You don’t need an alarm clock because the baby is the alarm clock, not because you’re going to actually sleep in.A new family member means added mental load, not a break from your to-do list.You need real capacity to deal with the unexpected, and I don’t just mean flight delays into Aruba.

    What are the effects?

    Men who take paternity leave are less likely to get divorced, and a Swedish study found that when fathers were offered up to 30 days of flexible leave while their partners were on maternity leave, their spouses are less likely to be on anti-anxiety medication in the postpartum period.Relationship Equity - Women whose partners take on an equal share of the MENTAL load have higher libidosLow female sexual desire affects more than 50% of women and is difficult to treat.Study findings suggest low desire is not a problem, an internal problem for women to resolve solo; effort needed from both partners.Need more than just the physical load - where wife/mom = project managerHomosexual partners handle relationship equity better on averageChildcare deserts - women are disproportionately impacted: 23-75% of families across the US report having a struggle finding childcare. Disproportionately affecting communities of color and rural and urban areas impacted more so than suburban families.  States with fewer ‘childcare deserts’ see less women in the workforce.We just went off our childcare cliff with expiration of federal funding started during the pandemic to aid families in the cost of childcare. The average family spends 27% of their income on childcare, DHHS says for it to be considered “affordable” it shouldn’t exceed 7%. Over 3 million children are at risk of losing childcare because of this with a projected $10.6 billion in...
  • Acts of service as a love language

    Anecdotally I have noticed that every woman in a heterosexual relationship will say that her love language is acts of service. Ask her husband what her love language is and he'll say "definitely acts of service". But I think this is bullshit.

    What if, women are using acts of service as a love language as a cover for asking our partners to pick up more of the mental load?

    I find it statistically impossible that every woman lists acts of service as their love language. I would bet money that if we had more equitable households and marriages, the percentage of women who say acts of service is their love language would decline significantly.

    This is all just my opinion and has not be researched in any way shape or form.

    Drop your comments at the mental load podcast on YouTube.

  • Telling moms to practice self-care is not an answer to the mental load.

    What is the issue? 

    Telling moms to practice more self-care is a bullshit cop out. 

    Self care is defined as the ability to care for oneself through awareness, self-control, and self-reliance in order to achieve, maintain, or promote optimal health and well-being.

    The term “self-care” actually has roots in the civil rights and women’s rights movements of the 1960s and ’70s. (There’s a frequently shared quote by Black American writer and activist Audre Lorde—“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”)

    Self-care is an estimated $10 billion industry with a large portion coming from the beauty sector

    The ideas for self-care is different for women vs men

    Men are allowed to work hard and play hardDrinking beer and hanging with buddies, golf, lawn care, watching sportsAll very time consuming eventsWomen must FIND the time to get self careWhy is a hot shower marketed to women as self care? Hot showers should just be a given and a bare minimum.Commercialized self care only geared towards moms: beauty serums, exercise programs, “mommy makeover”We’re told “you deserve it” so it becomes something we are or not worthy ofLeisure gap: Men spend roughly 3 more hours on leisure activities per week than women.

    But the truth is that self-care is not enough. And it’s time that we stop telling moms that a simple act of self-care will undo the years of culture-induced overwhelm that is causing us all to burn out.

    What are the effects?

    Burn out - Constant pouring from an empty cupResentment towards partnerFatigue, headaches, stomach issues, and heart disease.Low energy and less patience

    How does this relate to the mental load? 

    The coordination of our own self care – when, where, how One more freaking thing to manage.coordinating before we have to leaveLogically we know this is best for us but actually stepping away makes us feel guiltySocietal pressures to be everything to everyone.

    But also - I don’t actually need self care. I need a partner who’s more switched on on a daily basis. Self care isn’t a break; it’s just delaying getting the stuff done we need to get done. I can’t take care of myself if I don’t trust my partner will seamlessly carry on without me. 

    How can we fix this? 

    Self care can be viewed as a partner's responsibility.Change the narrative of self care as a health priority over an optional privilege. What is your self care?

    Catch us on YouTube

  • Motherly's State of Motherhood and the Mental Load

    Join us and special guest, Kate Anderson, Chief of Staff at Motherly to discuss their annual State of Motherhood report. The largest body of research regarding motherhood and issues impacting families.

    Kate Anderson is a leader in generating change and gender equality within the startup space.

    As a Chief of Staff at Motherly, a wellbeing destination empowering mothers to thrive with expert content, innovative product solutions, and supportive community. Motherly engages an audience of 40 million+ readers and viewers a month, with on-demand parent education classes, Webby-award winning videos, The Motherly Podcast, essays, and articles, and a highly-engaged social media community.

    As co-founder and VP of Operations of IFundWomen, she has driven millions of dollars into the hands of female founders. IFundWomen's flexible crowdfunding platform combines a pay-it-forward model, expert startup coaching, professional video production, and a private community for its entrepreneurs, all with the goal of helping female entrepreneurs launch successful businesses.

    Prior to launching IFundWomen, Kate spent four years at Hines Interests, one of the largest and most respected real estate organizations in the world with more than $116 billion under management.

    Kate earned her BA from Colgate University and received a Masters of Professional Studies from Georgetown University.

    Nearly 10,000 mothers completed our sixth annual survey, conducted from Feb. 26 to March 13, 2023. To ensure our results represent today’s mothers accurately, we weighted the data to align with US Census demographic data. Our report focuses on the findings from millennial and Gen Z mothers, but we also provide some insights from Gen X mothers who participated in the survey. Findings continue to validate that today’s mothers are parenting without adequate structural support.

    Findings of the survey:

    1. The Great Resignation continues for mothers 2. Self-care looks different as moms prioritize sleep over sex and friends 3. Household and family responsibilities fall more on mothers than during the height of the pandemic 4. Mental health is mom’s biggest worry 5. 8 in 10 mothers worry about a recession and are making preemptive cuts

    The Great Resignation for Moms:

    SAHM has nearly doubled from 15% in 2022 to 25% in 2023The message is clear: to return to work, families need flexible work schedules and affordable childcare

    Current events contradicting that:

    Return to office movementChildcare cliff we just went over as of 9/30

    Discussion: It’s almost like we need a motherhood union. The great resignation reminds me of when unions first started and workers went on strike...

  • What effect do the holidays have on the mental load for women?

    The holidays are often some of the most stressful time of year, financially, emotionally and physically for many families. Creating the holiday magic often falls to the already full plate of the mom, so what can we do to have a hot-mess-less holiday season? Angies hot take covers:

    Caring for your spouse during the holiday season so it can be magical for them tooCreating a joint budgetShopping together How to teach your kids to consider others this time of year andHow to let go of what doesn't serve you this holiday season
  • How our partner's anger impacts the mental load for women and affects our kids

    What is the issue? 

    We are part of a generation that wasn’t raised to think about kids’ feelings. Our parents didn’t ignore us, but they also weren’t as keyed in on emotional and social well-being as we are today. A big part of the mental load is that we’re the emotional backstop for everyone in the family and when both parents aren’t parenting from a place of emotional well being, it creates a disconnect that creates tension and another layer of the mental load: us managing our husband’s reactions to our style of parenting.

    What are the main emotional issues you feel like show up at your house?

    Feeling like as women we’ve made the transition to thinking of our kids as humans with emotional intelligence and feelings but not having partners that do the sameSo difficult to drag our husbands along; straddling two sides of the same fenceFeels like a difference in parenting styles

    How does this show up?

    Kids not having a way to talk through situations - being viewed as argumentative/disrespectfulTaking the “i’m talking you’re listening approach”“Just do what I say”Yelling a lot

    Psychological effects of being yelled at; 

    https://mantracare.org/therapy/issues/psychological-effects-of-being-yelled-at/#:~:text=Being%20yelled%20at%20may%20cause,be%20verbally%20abusive%20to%20others.

    The body releases cortisol and adrenaline into your bloodstream

    You have more difficulty thinking: Your brain’s amygdala is triggeredYou might feel bad if someone yells at you: It feels like they are attacking your sense of selfAlso, you may feel depressed, anxious, or develop panic attacks: The effects of being yelled at can have a negative impact on your mental healthYou might withdraw from others and isolate yourself: A way to cope with the emotional pain you are feelingSome people express their feelings through anger: Which can lead to them being verbally abusive to others.

    This article provides insight into how yelling can affect children psychologically. Yelling at a child may make them feel like they are not good enough and that there is something wrong with them. This could lead to negative self-esteem, low self-worth, and depression later in life.

    Yelling at a child often leads their brain’s amygdala to be triggered. This can make kids feel bad and have panic attacks or depression.

    Impacts sense of trust

    How does this show up in our households?

    Parenting Styles: Too permissive vs. Too aggressive

    How does having these two different parenting philosophies affect the mental load?

    Creates another layer of emotional regulation for each person in the houseAlso creates another layer of planning for how to address it with your partnerAnticipationOverplanningOverstimulation for everyone

    How does this relate to the mental load? When we have different parenting styles, we spend a lot of headspace thinking about and planning for how to navigate it.

    What does this all come down to? Creating a parenting style that works for both of you. 

    Why didn’t anyone tell us to have these conversations when we were dating/engaged?

    How can we fix this? 

    Validate our kids’...
  • How routines help the mental load

    In our house, there's two versions of the mental load argument. Version 1 was "you just need to ask for help" now we're on to what I like to call 2.0 of the argument: "we just need a better routine".

    This statement sounds more progressive. It's action-oriented and inclusive. I said "we!". But here's the thing, routines aren't the entire solution. They don't absolve your partner from being an equal participant in whatever task needs to get done that you're currently handling alone.

    A routine isn't going to magically make your kids behave or stop meltdowns that make it difficult to get shit done by yourself.

    If I'm the only one who's currently handling a task while my partner is scrolling through his phone or watching TV, and you tell me "we just need a better routine" what I hear is: "you just need a better routine." But, we don't need a better routine. We have one. You need to participate in it more. Be the other half of the "we" in this life we chose to create together.

  • How does this affect mom's careers?

    Those who are able to put in more time, more travel, be available at all kinds of hours, etc. are more likely to get the big clients, the promotions, the career awards.But it’s not just about the time or physical availability; the mental load also affects mom’s careers because it makes it harder to focus and do deep work.

     “When a man expects his partner to ask him to do things, he’s viewing her as the manager of household chores. The problem is that planning and organizing things is already a full-time job. When we ask women to take on this task of organization and at the same time to execute a large portion, in the end it represents 75% of the work.”

    Why do moms end up with so much of the mental load, even in couples that value equality?

     It’s not just a “mom problem” and it’s not just a “couple problem” [can’t be solved simply by having moms get more organized or dads pitch in more]Part of the problem is with the way work is structured, especially in the US.If work is too demanding in terms of time/availability/travel/etc., it can make it hard for both parents to have these types of jobs. But greedy jobs tend to pay a lot, so what often happens is that one parent leans into a higher paying job and the other parent downshifts their career to be the “on-call/default parent.”Being the “default parent” à taking on more of the mental load of managing the household

    What can we do about it? 

    Societal level: [how do we make work-life more tenable for parents (and especially moms) without just making “mommy track jobs”?]Make work less greedy (this has been done in fields like pharmacy, veterinarians, etc.)Increase flexibility and support across the board; make working conditions better for everyone (this can also be good for business too)Make life less hard for parents (better and more affordable childcare options, more mental health resources for kids and teens, etc.)   Couple level: dads can take on more of the mental loadWhat can moms do? We don’t want to just wait around for society or our partners to change. What are some things that we can do now to make our work life and family life better or more sustainable?How can we focus and do deep work even when carrying the mental load?Dealing with the guiltDealing with the mental distractionMindset shifts (how do we square our ambitions with our practical realities?)Work-life conflict à work-life enrichment (Yael Schonbrun)The paradox of limitation (Oliver Burkeman)Slow productivity (Cal Newport)

    What should men be thinking about as they’re raising modern families that can better support the deep work or change the ratio of greedy work?

    Women are more likely to handle tasks that are time sensitive and occur frequently. When the average man does help around the house, he tends to take on more of the less frequent tasks, which are not as time sensitive and more easily outsourced, such as finances and yard work. 

    What can/should companies do to shift this dynamic?

    What shifts in perspective do we as a society need to make in order to stop holding women back?

    Half of women in UK fear equality is going back to 1970s – survey | International Women's Day | The GuardianHow Thinking Of Everything Holds Mums BackLightening the Mental Load that Holds Women

  • The Mental Load: Why saying "Just ask for Help" is wrong

    On this hot take, Katlynn discusses why men in relationships should not say "you just need to ask for help".

    This makes women feel:

    undervaluedunappreciatedtaken for granted

    The reality is that you chose to do this life together, so saying that she just needs to ask for help makes the mental load her problem, indicates that the things she thinks about are her job only and let's her know you don't think of them as mutual chores to share.

  • How the Patriarchy Affects the Mental Load

    This isn't a "fuck the patriarchy/white straight men suck" episode. This is an acknowledgment and discussion of facts. The facts are, that the patriarchy exists; by nature, it oppresses women and people of color; and it needs to be reformed. (which would then make it something new altogether) Society and institutions are made to evolve as they learn and I think we've learned enough about the patriarchy to make it clear that a lot needs to change.

    And, to be fair, outside of the economics of the patriarchy, I would say that it doesn't actually serve white men that well either, which we will dive in to as part of this epsidoe.

    What is patriarchy?

    It's very complicated, but in an oversimplified explanation: it's the idea that men have more power, dominance, and privilege than women. Men hold positions of power and women are less valued therefore end up oppressed. The ideas of the patriarchy infiltrate daily life.

    For example: women take men's names at marriage and their children get the male surnames. Another is that men hold most executive positions at companies and in government. They make decisions based on their worldview to the detriment of women. Obviously there are some parts we take bigger issue with than others.

    Values like rationale thinking are prioritized over emotions. It's primarily white and heterosexual. Behaviors are policed based on the social construct of these ideas.

    So what does this have to do with the mental load?

    The patriarchy built and maintains the systems we have today that do not help and support women. It also steers men's behavior in a way that does not support modern family life. It leads to deeply unsatisfied relationships on both sides of the equation although for different reasons. It really lays the foundation for the mental load.

    In society?  Creates a hierarchy of power with white men at the top. Discussion: We'll discuss later on why we think the patriarchy doesn't actually serve men well either, but do you think it's something that the average man thinks about nearly as much as those who mother do?In American culture, women expect to be harassed and are constantly on alert for physical threats.In the workplace? Men hold most senior executive functions

    If you're inherently against things like male dominance and privilege, does that make you a feminist? And is being a feminist still looked down upon?

    Here's one definition I found: Many forms of feminism characterize patriarchy as a present-day unjust social system that subordinates, discriminates, and oppresses women. Feminists often view patriarchal ideology as the root cause of gender inequality.

    So going by that, yes, I guess I'd define myself as a feminist and I would not feel bad about that. Side note - isn't it the patriarchy that makes us feel bad about being a feminist?

    What mental load issues does the patriarchy keep in place?the burden of childcare - as we all know by now, childcare is looked on a being feminine and appearing feminine is a big no-no for men under the patriarchy.sick dayspick up/drop offappointments

    All these things end up falling primarily to women. Thus, we must mentally retain the details around them.

    being the default parent - if your spouse is more valued in society than you, you'll be the first one school calls, the one who coordinates all the invisible labor, etc.Contraception - the burden to find it, take it reliably because we do not have rights to our own bodily autonomy in every stateInvisible Labor - cooking, cleaning, chores - they're gendered and split unevenly. This is why so...
  • Shorter episodes and weekly hot takes are coming later this fall!

    The Mental Load will drop new season every summer and winter. This gives Angie and Katlynn time to research and create quality content during the off-season.

    Thanks to everyone who's supported us so far on this journey, we're excited to bring you some amazing guests and conversations soon.

  • Millennial women are getting divorced at higher rates and the reason is because of the mental load. The reality is women are not attracted to men we have to mother.

    We’re taught when we’re looking for relationships to look for someone we can take of. But that shit doesn’t change once you get married.

    Today we're joined by Felicia Kashevaroff. Owner of Tend Task and a divorced mom. We dive in deep to what it's like balancing the mental load as a single mom and how the mental load contributes to divorce. Plus, what she's doing to help change that.

    We ask:

    What was the division of labor like before divorce?Post divorce?What was your mindset as the idea of divorce started to take hold?What other ways did the mental load impact your relationship?Was there recognition after the fact about what could’ve gone differently?How would you change the situation, if anything?

    Connect with Felicia:

    website

    Instagram

    Email us: [email protected]

    Show supporters:

    Jen Zamzow - A Well Lived Life

    Melissa Bloom

    GforcePR

  • What is the dad privilege?The dad privilege, maternal gatekeeping and the mental load.

    What is dad privilege?

    The internet says: it’s when dads are treated like heroes and get praised for doing the same shit that moms do every fucking day. Dads get praised for just showing up. “Aw, you planned dinners for the whole week!” “Aw, you brought your kids to the birthday party!” “Aw, you gave the baby a bath!” -_-

    We also say: it’s the ability to just do things in their lives without considering the bigger family picture/schedule: work late, go out for a beer after a long day, coming home from work (where you didn’t pick up the kids) and going straight to your room to “decompress”. Sleeping in when you didn’t get a lot of sleep that night. Putting yourself on bedrest with no questions asked when you’re sick. 

    Basically the bar for dads is so low, don’t be a piece of shit, but for moms, it’s really high

    What is maternal gatekeeping?

    A mother’s belief about how much and whether or not a father should be involved in their kids’ lives. Basically it’s how we micromanage our spouses and how we try to create “perfection” within the household. 

    This happens regardless of relationship status and comes into play when children come into the picture. Why? Women are taught that “mother knows best” so we seek validation through our way being “the right way”

    “Mothers might have a difficult time giving up responsibility for care of the family, might want to validate their role as mothers and be recognized for the sacrifices they make for their families, or might view the father as inept or even a danger to his children. This latter view might be based either on actual evidence, the father’s past behaviors, or her personal perceptions of him and his failures as a man and father.

    Furthermore, she might protect her child purely as a function of the child’s age. If the child is not old enough to verbalize his or her own needs and desires, she might feel qualified to make decisions and judgments for that child, thus becoming the monitor, supervisor, permission grantor, and controller of all others’ involvement with the child— including the father’s.”

    This belief causes her to behave in ways that can include:

    What she says about the father in front of or directly to their child.Whether and how often she includes and updates dad on their child’s health, schooling, athletic, religious, and social life, andThe extent to which she tells dad that she knows what is best for their child and the correct way to do things—while dad doesn’t.

    We are taught from a young age our worth and value comes from the home we keep and the children we raise. Moms have “more at stake” in the product (child) than dads since their value isn’t as closely related to the children themselves.

    In what ways do we gatekeep in our relationships?

    Do moms create or perpetuate the dad privilege? 

    This behavior cuts our husbands off at the knees. Even if they want to participate, they don’t because - who wants to be micromanaged or judged?

    Aside from tapping out, what happens with our husbands in our relationships?

    What are our husband’s reactions?

    Learned Helplessness

    How do we change?

    Vulnerability?Aim for peace not perfectionWhen we delegate, set expectations upfront and then let it be - don’t micromanageInvolve dads more when kids are babies - let them find their strideRemind ourselves that there is more than one right wayExplain the why behind some of our “requirements” so our husbands understand what we’re trying to accomplish and why it’s important.

    What is one...

  • What are we teaching young boys and young girls about the mental load?What do our kids learn from watching their moms carry the mental load?

    One goal of this podcast is to break a generational cycle. 

    What are we worried our sons are learning when we bear the mental load?

    "A popular squabble in my household stems from the fact that I bear the bulk of the mental load. My spouse—who’s a very involved and participatory partner—is still the guy that will make a plan to go to the playground with our kid, but won’t always remember to pack the sunscreen or a snack. (He’s working on it!)

    If I go, I’ve packed for every potential scenario. This anecdote isn’t meant to shame him; it’s more meant to illuminate a distinction about the way we—and most of my generation—were raised. Women were taught to take on invisible labor; men were not."

    How did we get to a point where girls and women are being encouraged to break barriers, but our sons and men aren't supporting the infrastructure needed to change?

    In the 80’s & 90’s girls were taught we could “do anything” (it was an ad campaign!). But the message for boys did not change during this time. So while we were being taught to break barriers and think in new ways outside of traditional gender roles, young boys were not being taught to consider how their roles might have to change.

    Boys witnessed both parents going to work, but the questions like “where is my…” “what’s for dinner” “When are we doing…” were still answered by mom.

    Likewise, girls learn the behaviors that perpetuate the cycle. This also sets a framework for how future relationships look like. 

    We want to raise strong girls capable of self advocating. And we want to raise boys who can help bear the mental load in future relationships.

    How can we change what young boys and girls learn about the mental load?Husbands can learn and model anticipating so our boys mimic themNon-gendered chores - don’t give boys the “once in a while” chores while your girls get the daily ones (anecdote about “husband lessons” from Sam and how I see Hudson getting frustrated by the mental load of the dishwasher)Teach them planning/anticipating and monitoring - if they feed the dog, they need to be responsible for writing down dog food on the grocery list when it’s needed. Or bringing their laundry to the laundry room if they’re old enough to see they’re running low. Pay both genders equally for choresCreate clear expectations and consequences (no video games until your socks are picked up) 

    Feedback? Email Angie at: [email protected]

  • Advice to fix the mental loadHow women can lighten the mental load

    Welcome, Melissa Bloom, energy coach!

    The most popular question we get is "how do I fix the imbalance? how do I get rid of or at least lighten the mental load?"

    It's a challenging issue because it has so many different facets to it. Enter, Melissa. As an energy coach, Melissa works with all kinds of clients to find balance and feel joy in their lives. The mental load, as we all know, takes a heavy toll on women personally and professionally.

    Here's her practical advice for solving the mental load:

    Know what's important to you and align your daily/weekly activities to support what's importantCurate your environmentBe intentional about creating space for yourself (this is NOT about self care!)Start your day by creating a morning ritualHave conversations that focus on what your family wants to feel rather than starting with a to-do list

    Buy Melissa's book

    30 days of inspiration

    Path to Joy Podcast

    Melissa's Work

  • How does gender programming affect the mental load?

    All of this to say that women are taught from an early age that our worth and value comes from the house we keep and the kids we raise. Dads are taught that their job is done as soon as they’ve provided shelter and money for the family. 

    What this looks like in Women: 

    Programmed to think self worth comes from the house we keep and the kids we raiseAre taught to be the caretakers (therefore we prioritize this within our do to list)Nice vs Kind: Being nice is when you are polite to people and treat people well. Being kind is when you care about people and show you care."Being Nice" means we avoid confrontation and is dishonest. Kind would be honest but often uncomfortableConfrontation in relationships feels like it could be the end rather than an opportunity to understand more or accept differencesNice leads to guilt over having our own needsWe police our own behavior:Tone of voice (harshest for women of color who battle the “angry black woman” trope in all areas of life)If we ask for something, say at work, we risk being labeled “aggressive”Nice is transactional but “kind” positions us as worthy to give and receive kindnessOur time and work is seen as less valuable than when men can contribute - both at home and in the office. 

    Women are often seen as multi-taskers that it’s part of their personality

    if being a “multi-tasker” was a personality trait, we would see it spread across genders. But as it stands, women are the ones being assigned with this label.

    What programming looks like in men:

    Men are programmed to believe their worth comes from providing for the family. Once those jobs are complete, they deserve to be cared for. Men are raised to be:

    BreadwinnersProtectorsHold jobs that are more highly valuedDisconnected - emotions are weaknesses

    But,

    Women are seen as “right” when it comes to the safety of the (shared) children

    In a study, young men supported gender equality in theory. But many held on to traditional ideas about gender roles. They saw men as “breadwinners” or “protectors” and women as “carers” and felt that societal attitudes hadn’t changed dramatically.

    One of the ways we reinforce gendered behavior is by focusing on economics. If one partner earns more money than the other, we tell ourselves that the partner who earns less or works fewer hours has more time for household work. Each week, according to Pew, mothers spend nearly twice as long as fathers doing unpaid domestic work. 

    Men are simply not taught to look at the things that we look at because remember the mental load is largely anticipating and monitoring the outcomes, the shit end of the process to do and that’s how gender programming contributes to the mental load. 

    when women say they're solely charged with handling their child's well-being, including being attentive to their emotions and relationships, it can lead to lower satisfaction with their partner and their life, as well as feelings of emptiness. That included whether the women felt unconditionally loved and accepted as well as how they viewed intimacy with their partners. Even when taking such variables into account, Luthar found that being solely responsible for a child's emotional development was negatively related to women's well-being and satisfaction with their relationship.

    Stereotypical expectations about what constitutes women’s and men’s work are not simply the outmoded relics of past generations. Research shows they persist even among

  • Advice on how to change the mental load from a marriage therapist.The effect the mental load has on marriages and how to have the conversation with your spouse.

    It's (one) of the episodes you all have been waiting for. How do you have the mental load conversation with your spouse and create meaningful change?

    Licensed therapist, Kristen Sanchez, takes us through the process of:

    having the conversationexamining your own contributions approaching your partnercreating lasting changethe impact of the mental load on relationships

    Join us for this impactful conversation with an unexpected solution to solving the mental load.

    Mentioned in this episode:

    Thriving Lives Fitness

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    Our House Children's Learning Center