Avsnitt
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Ember Pilati is a life and relationships coach who loves lots of people who struggle with their mental health. She shares valuable tips and simple, actionable tips to care for yourself so you can care for your loved ones better.
She shares a framework of caring for our mind, body and soul and why each step is so vital to our own physical and mental health.
Gratitude is a practice that can change your entire outlook and how writing down what we are grateful for and SAVORING that gratitude can change our brain chemistry.
You will love this powerful episode with Ember's loving, powerful words.
You can connect with Ember here:
https://www.instagram.com/iamemberpilati
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/emerge-empowered-with-ember-pilati/id1543504663
http://emberpilati.com
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Welcome to the fight, like your mother podcast. I'm so glad that you are here. I am sharing an episode today that I have been thinking about doing for a really long time. And I haven't done it because I wanted a therapist. Slash expert who knows a lot about this to come on and talk about it because I haven't felt qualified to do so. However lately it won't leave my brain.
And I've asked several therapists who said they don't feel qualified to come on and talk about it. So if they don't feel qualified, then.
I can do my own research and figure this out. So I know that I need to record this. Now, and it's interesting because I posted a instagram posts about this very topic and that eight Han of responses about it. And people who've wanted to learn more and have never heard about this. Or who have heard about it, but didn't know much about it.
So it is time now. Perhaps if I find the right person, , I will have another therapist and we'll do another episode on this particular topic, , to give some insights and things that I don't share. But I do have some valuable experience. And personal. Deeply personal things about this particular topic.
And I feel like it may be really valuable for lots of families, including my own actually.
So the topic I'm discussing today is about the siblings. Of kids with extra intense needs. , This can happen with physical health challenges. Mental health challenges. Kids with autism. There's a myriad of reasons why. , this. Particular thing can happen. It can actually even happen in like children of divorce. , and things like that.
So this applies to lots of families out there. , but let's, we're going to talk about it in regards to the sibling of.
The sibling of somebody who has intense mental health challenges. That's what we're, our focus is going to be today. But these principles apply to so many. So how does this in particular affect these kids? How do they feel about it? , are they overlooked? Do they have a voice, et cetera? And each of these questions are really valuable and important to think about as parents.
But I also don't want this to overwhelm you or shut you down as you're listening. And I don't want you to feel guilt or shame about this, that isn't the goal here. I don't want to give you more. To put on, you're already over loaded, overwhelmed to do list. And I certainly don't want to give you more to worry about. So in fact, I want you, as you go throughout listening to this episode, I want you to really, really be aware and notice your feelings that you're having.
Notice what pops up in your brain and how your body feels. And just notice those things. Don't judge yourself. And if you're noticing some hard emotions coming up, maybe take a break. Do some breathing. Take care of yourself. Nurture yourself. And then turn it on again. Don't stop listening because you're feeling negative emotions because sometimes we need to sit in the discomfort.
There's a sign there. I'm going to bed. Okay. Good night.
In fact, during this episode, I want you to notice your feelings about what's coming up. Notice what pops up in your brain, how your body's feeling. And just notice, just be aware and don't judge yourself. If you're feeling a lot of discomfort.
That actually is okay. And if you need to take a break for a few minutes, Go do some breathing. Go nurture yourself. Go do that, but come back because discomfort doesn't mean we just stop. We can sit and deal with those uncomfortable feelings. And we can continue on. So the objective of my episode. Today is to bring voices and awareness to these kids.
Our kids. Who matter? And their feelings and their traa. And their voices matter. And I know you believe that because you are an awesome parent. You really are amazing. And you're overwhelmed and you're overworked and you don't have enough support.
But these kids deserve to be heard and validated and supported.
So did you know that there's actually a term. For the siblings of, uh, Extra needs special needs child. It's called a glass child. Some people call it an invisible child, but we're going to use the term glass child. And now it's not because they're fragile. In fact that are often viewed as extremely strong, extremely independent, extremely self-reliant. They're called the glass child because they often feel like they are see-through and invisible. To their parents and others. In fact. Today I heard of an experience where a mom went out to lunch with one of her kids.
This mom has an extra needs child. And the mom's friend and the mom's friend spent the whole time talking about the special needs child. And telling the other sibling how lucky they were to have her. And they were learning so much.
That child was see-through in that moment. That lunch needs to be about that particular child, not the special needs child. , these kids are often. Too strong. To responsible have to grow up too fast. And they are too good because they don't want to put any more burden on their parents because they see how overworked and overwhelmed their parents are. So last child syndrome, isn't a medical condition or even an official diagnosis. It's just a term often used to describe these unique challenges and strengths of the siblings of children with chronic illnesses. Disabilities mental illness, et cetera.
Glass children or siblings, they might this. Brother or sister of theirs might be. , Have different abilities. Has a serious physical or mental illness. And their behavior and their care. Takes a disproportionate amount of parental time, any emotion it takes away from the parents' ability to provide the necessary things for. The sibling. They tend to get emotionally neglected.
They often strive to be perfect. And problem-free because they're super sensitive to the needs of their sibling. And actually that sensitivity. And compassion. Is a strength that they will get from this experience in their life. And we're going to talk about the strengths later, but I just wanted to point that out. They often have to take on additional responsibility before they're mature enough to do it. Or they feel like they need to be perfect all the time to not cause more problems.
And so they become perfectionist, hypervigilant, et cetera.
, they often don't want to be as strong as they seem and often aren't that strong, but they put on kind of a strong face for their family.
They can be transparent to lots of people, including their parents, grandparents, teachers. Friends, et cetera. And a 2010 Ted talk speaker, Alicia arena, who was a glass child, herself due to a sibling with autism. Drew attention to this phenomenon that resonated with many. She said glass children take on these caretaker responsibilities, and naturally we are conditioned to not have problems.
We are supposed to be perfect. When someone asks us how we are doing the answer is always, I'm doing just fine. She said we're called glass show. Not because we're weak. But because sometimes we feel like people look straight through us as if we're made of glass. She continues. I didn't even know it was okay.
Not to be. Okay. You cannot take for granted the emotional health of your children. Every emotion that you feel. Whether it's pain. Or grief or anger, frustration, fear. Concern crisis of faith. If you are experiencing all of these as an adult, because of your special needs children. Your other children are feeling all of that too, but they have the coping skills of a child, not F an adult. So when you ask your healthy child, are you okay?
And they say, yes, mommy, I'm fine. Don't believe them. They are not fine. How can they be fine if they are experiencing what you are experiencing? And they are a child. So I think that's a really important perspective to have, they are seeing all the things you're seeing. They're experiencing all the things that you are experiencing. And imagine how hard it is for you as a grown person. It was a fully functioning brain. And yet they have the coping abilities as of a child. And so we often say, oh, kids are so resilient. They'll be fine.
Let's help them be resilient. By giving them the support that they need. So this issue is actually deeply personal to me. Because my husband was a glass child. , he didn't want to come on and talk about this personally, but he gave me permission to share a little bit about his experience. He grew up just 16 months younger than his older brother who had a significant congenital heart defect. From birth. Had multiple open-heart surgeries had multiple scares with death throughout. His lifetime. And my husband was a little brother, just a few months younger. His brother needed lots of support and medical attention. Through no fault of his own and he deserved and needed to get that right. I'm not discounting that he needed to get what he deserved.
And so did my husband. And he was often overlooked and, , was for sure a glass child. His parents are wonderful and did the very best that they could. But he grew up needing to be way more independent, not cause problems. , To be really self-reliant and resourceful. But little David. David is my husband. And even sometimes big David. Often felt or feels invisible on light glass. And he deserved. To have his needs met and have his voice heard. So that's why I'm sharing that now is because his story. As part of this family. And being that.
Little bit younger brother. His story also deserves to be heard.
So he has a very unique perspective on this with our own children. We have talked about this much in our own home. He is hyper aware of how our children are feeling. And to make sure that they are supported and loved and validated that we show up for them. Et cetera. So I asked him what advice he would give.
And he said, Show up for your kids and be excited to be wherever they are.
, second is have your kit just be aware, is have you assigned your kids a role in the family? Not of their choosing. Like have they been assigned to be the caretaker, the dependable one? The right. Just one, the companion to their sibling. , the. One who never, they never have to worry about schoolwork or church or. , sports, they they're responsible for getting themselves. Everywhere.
They're supposed to be. And are you giving them more responsibility than they should be given at that particular age? And third, as he said, make sure that you are not taking them for granted that they are fine, that they don't have needs. , Make sure that they know how grateful you are for them. And that you are doing your best to meet their emotional needs and wants.
So the extra needs in our home are not physical health, like a heart condition. But they are mental health, but really they're not all that different.
The toll it takes on parents. Mentally emotionally and physically is super draining. And I completely validate that. I think all of us are doing our best. And we are exhausted. Because our minds are constantly racing. With what we can do for this child, who's struggling. Are they going to be okay? Are they safe? They take up much of the space in our brain. And often we're so grateful for these kids who seem to be doing just fine. Because we don't have the energy to really check in with them.
Okay. Again, I want you to check in with yourself. And excuse my coughing. I've been dealing with a cough for over a month, but. Here we go. Check in with yourself now. Where are your thoughts going? If they are going to shame and guilt, ask yourself why sit with it for a minute. Are you feeling blamed for this? Circstance that your family is in.
Are you feeling like you have to fix this? Are you feeling like. I'm not doing enough. I'm not enough, et cetera. Count. You have to think about that. Maybe writes the thing, the feelings down, the thoughts down in your, in a journal or something. And I want you to ask yourself why you're feeling those wet that way.
Did you create these circstances? Did you. Did yo , Want a child with extras needs.
This is not your fault because this is due to circstances beyond your own control. And I promise you that healing can happen for both you and your kids. Please keep listening because I am going to talk now about some things that we can do. Uh, to help our kids feel validated and heard and supported. Okay. First of all though. Are you. Feeling validated. Supported. And heard. If you're not, I want you to think about how you can access. That kind of support for yourself. Maybe it's a spouse that you can talk to. Maybe it's a best friend. Maybe it is. A parenting coach.
I know have a good one. Maybe it's a therapist. But you deserve that validation and support. Maybe it's writing in your journal, some of your struggles. And thinking about it and supporting yourself. I want you to find a way for it to be validated and supported and seen yourself. So that you can do this better for your kids. So here's some ideas of some things we can do. Here's a really powerful experience.
I had several years ago, listening to a podcast with Dr. Julie Hanks. She did a live coaching session with a good friend of mine. Courtney brown. Courtney was talking to Julie about her children. Courtney has some kids with some extra needs. And she was talking about how to support her other kids through this experience. And Julie says something really powerful to Courtney that I've never forgotten. She said your kids need to have a voice about this. Give them the permission to talk about it. To have their feelings to vent. Even if they are hard to hear and unpleasant and uncomfortable. Open up the conversation by saying something like. How is it to have a sibling who needs a lot of extra attention?
How does it feel to you? Let them vent their feelings. Listen. Way, way more than you talk. Then ask them how you can better support them.
That completely changed me. Because it opened me up to communicating more openly with my own kids. I needed to deal with some of my own prep, so I could become a safe space so that they knew that they could talk to me about it. Without me getting weird and defensive and telling them, they said, shouldn't say certain things or feel certain things. Their feelings. Every single one is valid.
I knew that the worst thing I could say would be to tell them that they were wrong for feeling that or bad for saying something about their sibling. Saying things like, well, you shouldn't say that about your sibling. Or telling them that they just need to be positive and love their sibling more by shoving down their feelings.
That's not what I wanted for my kids. So we also have to be really careful that if they say things about us, Not giving them enough attention.
That we don't get defensive.
It's hard to do. It's hard to not get defensive because we really are doing our best. But we also need to listen to them.
And. We don't want to play the victim. Because our kids don't need that burden. They don't need us to say, but I'm just doing my best.
Because our best doesn't feel like best for them.
So we don't need to just tell them that they just need to be grateful that we do so much for them that. They're being entitled or anything like that because they're not. This isn't about us. It doesn't mean we aren't a great parent. It means our kids are hurting because we are hurting. Remember, they're kids dealing with this really hard situation. So us starting out to notice. To listen. To take again, an ability and apologize to them for how we've heard them or we haven't given them enough. Love listening attention, et cetera.
Asking them how we can do better. It can be really empowering to them. It gives them a voice. It opens them up to believing that we care about what they are saying and feeling and needing.
It gives us a glimpse into how we can do better.
I want to talk about. What if our kids come to us and say, It's not fair. That my sibling gets all the attention or they have to do less around the house. Or they get treats when they go to the hospital or they go to therapy or on and on and off. Right. You know what. The best thing we can say to them. You know what you are, so right.
This isn't fair. It doesn't feel fair to anybody. I am so sorry that you are feeling that. It's actually true. It's not fair. It's not fair to them. It's not fair to you. It's not fair to the child who has. The extra needs. None of it feels fair. And it's valid. So then again, ask them what they need from you. How can I help you feel? More supported. And honestly, if you have little kids, They're not going to be able to articulate these things. So notice where there. Attention. Is notice things that they love to do, notice what they want to do with you. And then give them that edit, added attention and time.
I had a question from someone in my Instagram community that said one of their kids is really mean to them child with special needs. And could this be why? And I don't have a lot of information on this. So I'm just going from that very small piece of information that I have. It's very possible that that is why. That to me, screams that they need attention and connection with you as a parent. And they will get that. No matter how it happens because negative attention is better than no attention. So look at the behavior as a message to you. They need you.
They need your connection, your presence in their life.
So. This doesn't have to be long hours and hours of time with our kids. Often. They just want 10 minutes with mom when they're going to bed and read a special story and have a little laughter and fun and play. Maybe they get a special time during the day where they get you to themselves. When this older sibling is at school or asleep or something.
Let's think about this. What if meeting your other kids needs, wasn't another drain on you.
What if it could fill you with joy?
What if, because you were new, that you were meeting. And it really intense need and want of your child, that it fills you with joy. And wasn't just another thing on your to-do list. What, if you could do things that bring you both intense joy.
What, if you could teach them something that you love to do, or you spend time doing something that you loved as a kid.
What if doing things with there with your other kids gave you the break that you so desperately needed. You arranged care. For. All the other hans in the home who needed care. And you go out with your kids and you play Pokemon go, or you go geocashing or you go for a walk or you go to the dog park with your dog or. Anything.
They are, they've earned a special. , treat with you. Actually, they don't need to earn the special treat with you. You go get a special treat with them and sit and talk to them. Guess what they have earned, all the things they need to earn. Because of what they're doing. Because they're alive.
What if this was part of your own self care? You put on the calendar every month. A special opportunity with each child.
And you can look forward to all month and sell. Can, may they know that on March 27th? They get to go with mom to get ice cream or a milkshake. Or. All those other things that I suggested.
When we change our mindset about things, it changes our world. So if we can change our mindset that filling the needs of our other kids, Is part of our self care. Is something we can look forward to. It can be a break. It can change everything.
So these can be simple things. I've already said some of the simple things. But. Let him stay up 15 minutes later to have time with you. Going on a walk, just the two of you. Even having insight, jokes, sharing, funny memes, having. , special interests that you enjoy together. , my youngest son is a huge Kansas city chiefs fan. And loves the podcast of Travis. Jason Kelsey. And so we listened to it together every week. And it's a special time that the two of us share. And we laugh and we pause it and we talk about it. That's kind of his time with me. And it has been so fun.
It helps that I really enjoy football as well. And like the Kelsey brothers a lot. But for me, that's as enjoyable spending time doing that with him as anything else I do during the week.
Bringing them in their favorite tree, thinking of them. Acknowledging them. How amazing are they that they are such an important part of your family? And acknowledging all the wonderful things that they do and lots of things that don't have anything to do with their sibling with special needs. Seeing them. Letting them know they are seen and so valuable and important in your home. We have provided opportunities for our kids to get support and therapy so that they have somewhere to talk about it. They struggle with. The traa too. So someone who can focus on just them to give them the validation and tools, they need to work through their complicated emotions.
Our kids deserve this help and extra support.
They may not open up completely to you as a parent, because they're worried about. , what to say? And if it's okay for them to say those things to you. But they might just open up to a therapist and I know therapy can often be super expensive. And inaccessible. Maybe there's an adult in their life who they really love. A grandparent, an aunt or uncle. A neighbor, a church leader. Maybe you need to give them permission to say, Hey, if you ever want to talk about your experience being the sibling to. So-and-so. No, that you can talk to. These trusted adults that you love. You can talk to your friends about this, giving them permission that this is their story to tell, and they deserve to tell it. So I just recently this week found out about a sibling support group. That is across the country and nearly every state. And is a nonprofit organization.
I believe the support groups are free.
I don't know, a hundred percent, but I believe they're free. It is called the sibling support project. And it is a nonprofit. That sole purpose is to support siblings of kids with special needs. , I'll put the website in the show notes and you can search to see if you have one in your area. They do a lot of virtual stuff too.
So maybe you could, if you don't have one in your area, maybe you could join in on a zoom call or something. Apparently not all of the groups have mental illness listed as one of the special needs that they support. But you can always ask and advocate. For your kids to be a part of that kind of group. I think this could be a really powerful way for kids to feel supported. Because they're with peers who get it. And maybe they can open up to the people in that group.
Again, look for the link in the show notes to find that. , also, I think we need to include our children. In conversations and provide them with information that is age appropriate for them. , they don't need to know all the details of our kids' circstances. But I have found that when we talk openly about diagnoses and the symptoms of the. The diagnoses. And help them understand it helps them feel more compassion for their sibling.
It also helps them understand and realize, Hey, this is tough. I'm not crazy.
, Talk to them about taking care of themselves. They need to know how to take care of themselves and practice self care as well. Teach them how to set boundaries. Sometimes that is really so important. For. Excuse me. For these kids, they need to learn how to set boundaries and that it's not unkind. And that they can hold them and you may have to be the one who helps them hold those boundaries. Until they get older and older and older and are able to do that themselves. Empower them to speak up and ask for what they need and want. Let them know.
I don't always see everything that you need and want. I wish I did, but I don't. So if you are feeling like you need something or want something from me, would you please feel free to come talk to me about it? I want to hear all of the things.
Give them permission to speak up. So, but that means you have to be able to do those things too, right? Taking care of you as vital, which I know feels just like something else on your to-do list and it feels impossible. But if you want your kids to be able to set boundaries, learn how to take care of themselves. Speak up, have their voice heard. You need to be able to do that yourself.
So even in the smallest and simplest ways take care of yourself, like the basics, like showering. Sleeping. Well, Feeding your body healthy food, taking care of your physical health, moving your body. Even if it's a 10 minute walk or stretch.
I know that gratitude for me is huge. Being able to write down what I'm grateful for, even if it's the breath in my lungs, which sometimes that is as basic as it gets. Helps me just shift my perspective a lot. I want to share a quote from Emily Hall, who is the director of the sibling support project that we talked about just a minute ago. She says siblings experienced disability, just like everyone else in the family. Having open communication and being honest that often these kids are very aware of the needs of their sibling and by not sharing information and children may think a topic is off limits when, where they really need to talk about it. So when we are opening up those conversations, it is so vital for our kids. Another thing I thought about that I love to do with my teen daughter is a back and forth journal where they can express their feelings.
Often sitting and talking face to face is too. Intimidating for them. It feels like they can't open up because we're staring right at them. But writing it down feels less intrusive. Also the cars are really great place to have conversations with kids because you're not staring at each other. It's easier for them to talk when it's not face-to-face. , So the car can be a really great place, but don't always make the car about that conversation.
Sometimes the carpet can be a fun place to just listen to each other's music to sing out loud. To laugh. They need that as well. They don't always need you. Checking in on them. Are you okay? Are you okay? Can I do anything? Like they don't need that all the time. Most of the time, they just want you to be. A normal parent.
So I would love to hear any other thoughts that you might have as you listened to this.
, these are some of my ideas. If you have other thoughts, I would love you to come to Instagram and share them with all of us. I also want to share that this isn't all doom and gloom for the, our kids, right? This is a difficult circstance. All of us have hard things in life.
And. Let's talk about some of the glimmers that come from being the sibling of a child with special needs. They learn compassion and empathy in droves. They understand people who are different. Often they are more welcoming and understanding of those people who are different. Those skills of independence and self-reliance will actually serve them well.
You know, all of us have these difficult circstances and we can all learn valuable lessons from them. However, we don't want to put that on kids that. Well, you, the things you are learning from this experience are going to be so valuable to you in the future. Because that doesn't really help a kid. They can barely look past their nose, let alone see 10 years into the future when this will be. Of benefit to them. So the key here. Is that we walk alongside them in this journey and we don't leave them in the wilderness to fend for themselves. That healing begins with acknowledgement and communication. It begins with S taking accountability and apologizing.
If we know. That I've kind of left them to themselves in that wilderness. Then by all means open up that conversation. Hey. You know what. I know it can be really hard to be. Uh, sibling of. Whoever their sibling is. Because it takes up a lot of mom and dad's time and energy. And I think maybe in the past, I haven't been as attentive as I could have been to you. And I want to do better. And so I would love you to think of some ways that we can spend more time together because I want to.
No, what you're thinking.
And I want you to know, you can say anything to me. And we can have a conversation about this. And then you kind of need to drop it and not push it too much because you've laid at the groundwork. But they're going to kind of see if they re you really. Can be trusted with what you said. So give it time. Show them with actions. Start bringing their favorite treat home.
Start with the small little things.
It begins with noticing them. And seeing them. And being taught, telling them that they are amazing and they deserve to be told that. Notice the specific things that they do that you love.
Share their best characteristics with them.
This can be as the small, simple things that we start with. And it can grow into this. Amazing healing journey. So I want you to notice how you're feeling now. I hope that, you know, you can let go of the guilt and shame. Somebody on Instagram that they felt nauseous by thinking about this. I want you to please work on letting go. Let go of that.
You're not responsible. For creating this, this is just what happens in families. But now we know better. Hopefully we can do better.
Start with one thing. That I've shared here. You've got this, I believe in you. You are amazing.
Thank you for joining me. And I. Hope that we can have some conversations about this over on Instagram, go join my Instagram community. It's just my name, Cheryl Cardall. And we have some really great conversations and sharing things over there. So I would love you to join me. There. If you feel like you need some more support as a family. As a parent, as a mom. I do offer one-on-one coaching. And would love to support you in your journey. Contact me at my email.
Hello at flight. Another podcast.com or you can DM me on Instagram and we can set something up. I offer a free discovery call. A 30 minute call. For all of my coaching clients. So. Check in, check it out, see how it feels to chat with somebody about this. I promise I get it. And I promise there's nothing you can say. That will shock me. I promise you that I get it.
And.
I will. Validate and support you. So you are worth it. You are worth investing in and you are worth healing. Have a great day.
https://siblingsupport.org
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Does your child have challenging and sometimes rebellious and unsafe behaviors that have you desperate for a resource? Are you feeling fearful and desperate? This podcast could be your answer.
Today my guest Jessi Stringham shares a resource for parents that is free and really amazing. It is a peer led support group that is extremely well organized and
From the Changes website: https://cpsn.org
Changes Parent Support Network was incorporated in December 1996 and groups officially started meeting in January 1997. We are a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization and are not affiliated with any other group or religious organization.
Members include Couples, Single Parents, Stepparents, Guardians, and Grandparents. The families we support have one or more acting-out children ranging in age from middle school to older adult children. Our program provides support and tools for parents to change their own behavior, not “fix” their child. We promote independence and natural consequences for our kids’ actions, which is usually not an appropriate approach for younger children.
Regardless of your child’s age, we will welcome you at Changes. But you may find that our members have less personal experience to draw upon and share if your child is in elementary school.
Typical problem behaviors can be:
Violent or abusive Oppositional and defiant Failing grades or not attending school Substance abuse Stealing at home or shoplifting Gang involvement Running awayThe purpose of the group is not to change our child's behaviors. It is to help us give up that need to control and work on changing our own mindset and behaviors toward our children. We can support them and support ourselves and allow them indepedence to find their own path and feel the consequences of their behaviors.
This is an amazing resources for parents who are feeling anxious and fearful and need support to know what to do.
You can call this number 8884682620. to start the process of signing up.
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The trauma of “good mom syndrome”
In this week's episode, we delve into the profound truths and challenges of parenting children with intense needs. The episode explores the concept of parenting trauma and the importance of acknowledging and validating the difficulties faced by parents in raising kids with unique challenges.
Key Points:
Toxic Positivity and Trauma: I address criticism received for acknowledging the traumatic aspects of parenting. Rejecting toxic positivity, the episode emphasizes the need to validate and openly discuss the challenges faced by parents.
Studies on Moms Raising Kids with Autism: I share statistics from studies on moms raising children on the autism spectrum, highlighting the prevalence of trauma in this community.
Understanding Trauma: Distinguishing between acute, chronic, and complex trauma, the episode emphasizes that trauma is about the lasting impact on individuals rather than the events themselves.
Community Responses: The host reflects on the heartbreaking responses from the community about the traumas they've experienced, ranging from suicide attempts to encounters with law enforcement.
Societal Expectations and Parental Trauma: The episode explores how societal expectations and judgments contribute to parental trauma, discussing the harmful beliefs about what makes a "good parent."
Challenging Beliefs: The host shares personal struggles with societal expectations, highlighting the internal conflict of being raised to create a safe and happy home while facing the reality of parenting challenges.
Healing from Trauma: Practical steps for healing include self-compassion, challenging negative beliefs, and adopting the mantra "What other people think about me is none of my business."
Becoming Teflon: The episode explores the concept of becoming a shield between parents and societal judgments, emphasizing the importance of letting go and not internalizing others' opinions.
Shifting Mindsets: Encouraging parents to shift their mindset, the episode concludes with affirmations of the incredible strength and intentionality of parents navigating the challenges of raising children with unique needs.
Closing Message:
"You are incredible, don’t let anyone, including yourself tell you differently."
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My guest today is Robyn Gobbel, therapist and parent educator.
Robyn Gobbel, MSW, loves coffee, P!NK, and everything about the brain. Once (recently!) her teenager went ballistic on her for getting ANOTHER (glitter!) coffee mug in the mail. Robyn loves cultivating deep, resonant connections with anyone who is up for it, and is especially fond of all the grown-ups in the world who love and care for kids impacted by trauma- helpers, healers, educators, and parents. Her favorite thing ever (besides glittery coffee mugs) is teaching anyone who will listen to harness the power of neuroscience so they can cultivate deep, resonant connections. What would change in the world if we could all do that? To see, be with, feel, and deeply know each other...and ourselves. Robyn thinks everything could change. You can get your hands on all sorts of free resources at www.RobynGobbel.com, including her podcast, The Baffling Behavior Show. Robyn is the author of Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors: Brain-Body-Sensory Strategies that Really Work (September 2023).
We chat about when parenting is traumatic and how that affects our nervous system and impacts everyone in the family. When we are parenting kids with big challenging, sometimes frightening behaviors can put us in a space of nervous system dysregulation and we can't function as our best selves
Parenting can be traumatic…
I cannot wait to share with you this podcast. A few months ago I saw a post by @robyn.gobbel about this topic and it spoke to me. It made me cry to be honest.
I felt seen and validated. I immediately messaged Robyn about being a guest and she graciously said yes. It is an incredible interview and I hope the parents who need it will find it and also feel seen and validated.
If you have any of these, you may have experienced or are currently experiencing parenting trauma:
•Sensitized Stress Response
•Stuck in Protection Mode
•Compassion Fatigue
•Irritable
•Hypervigilance
•Depression
•Grief
The trauma is real and that can bring shame and guilt upon us, because what parent gets traumatized by their child?
Nervous system printable
https://robyngobbel.com/course/friednervoussysteminfographic/
Link to buy Robyn's book. Use code Bafflingbehaviors20 for 20% off
https://us.jkp.com/products/raising-kids-with-big-baffling-behaviors?_pos=1&_sid=14718fc1e&_ss=r
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The last time I chatted on this podcast was in April last year. I chatted with two dear friends who I was planning a conference with. We chatted about our lived experiences of having mental health challenges in our family and how much we needed support and couldn’t find it. That was the kick off to sharing about our in person Fight like a Mother mental health conference in September.
I fully intended to continue regular podcasts and follow up about the conference etc…and it obviously did not happen. Planning that conference was one of the bright spots of my 2023. I am so proud of that conference and what we were able to provide for our attendees. Resources, support and community.
I won’t share nitty gritty details of my 2023 because much of it is others stories to share but their stories and struggles did affect me and have become part of my story too.
I shared a post on instagram yesterday of a photo of a women who is sitting down fully veiled. YOu cannot see the woman, she is completely covered. When I saw this photo it literally took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes, because I was this woman. Much of my year I felt veiled and shrouded in the dark. It was hard to get out of bed, it was impossible to clean my house, it was a struggle to feed my family. My mental and physical health were greatly affected. I withdrew from most people. And yet I am seeing a therapist regularly, I started medication but nothing seemed to be able to get through the dark veil of depression.
I could not figure out what was happening, for a long time I didn’t try to figure it out because it was too much work and took too much energy to do so. I didn’t have the bandwidth. The year wasn’t actually all that terrible, it was the first year in a while where we hadn’t had suicidal ideation or attempts from our kids but we were dealing with some other heavy things.
One day I was listenting to a podcast about trauma and grief and it hit me. I had not dealt with the layers of trauma that had been building up for years. Not only had my dad died the year before and I’m not sure I had processed that but also I had not acknowledged the living grief that comes from lost expectations plan and life completely turning upside down and not looking ANYTHING like I had ever hoped or planned or prayed for. That grief is real and feels constant.
I had the tools in my toolbelt, I knew what could help, I knew going for walks and getting into nature would help. I knew eating healthier and journaling and all the things would be helpful…and yet I just couldn’t. The energy required was not there, the pull of my bed and my weighted blanket seemed to be the only reprieve and safe space I could inhabit. Things that never felt unsafe or uncomfortable before felt terrifying. Relationships that I have had for much of my life felt too hard and risky. I couldn’t share the darkness, what would they think of me? I couldn’t do small talk, that felt disingenuous and inauthentic.
I really felt like a shell of myself.
Until….a couple of months ago. I felt a spark, to be honest I’m not sure what even prompted it. But I felt a spark of being myself. I felt a spark of energy, of hope, of light. I told my therapist I’m feeling lighter and I’m ready to do the hard work to peel the layers and layers of trauma and grief. I wasn’t in a space to do so before.
I grasped onto that spark. As I have done so, I have seen and felt more and more sparks of light permeating that shroud. I have seen Cheryl again in moments and felt great relief. The darkness is still there I’m not gonna lie, but the light is getting stronger and more consistent.
I’ll be really honest that sometimes I just wanted to stay in the dark, in my bed, shut myself off from the world. It seemed easier than doing the work, but it wasn’t easy being in that space either. So I guess we get to choose our hard either way.
This year I chose a phrase to focus on of radical acceptance of myself, my circumstances, what I can control etc.and also radical alignment with who I am, with my core values, what will benefit my mental health. Besides the daily things that have to be done like dishes, fixing meals, exercise cleaning etc which I don’t love but they do align with my core values of caring for myself and my family if it doesn’t align or make me feel more like me, it’s gone. One silly example? Uncomfortable clothing? GONE, Clothing that doesn’t feel like me? GONE! I no longer dress how others think I should, I dress for me to feel good and feel more like myself.
One thing that has brought me tons of light that is filling the cracks is celebrating the small stuff. I went for a mile walk in the sunshine? GO ME! I chose to drink water instead of diet coke? GO ME!
Celebrating the small wins, motivates me to continue to push along and continue to do the things that bring the spark.
At our in person conference we rented a large gong and set it up and asked people to share their wins on post it notes and post them on the window behind the gong and then they sounded the gong after the posted their wins. Sometimes when you are living with mental illness in yourself or your family the wins look very different. They were incredibly touching. Things like, my daughter now cares about her hygiene and takes showers daily. I don’t want to die any more.
Now I want to share with you something so fun that I did with my Instagram community this last week for the new year. I asked them for their wins for 2023, I wanted them to acknowledge their sparks and “sound the gong”. I want to share some of them with you. Maybe their celebrations will help you see the wins in your own life and help you see the spark that can permeate any darkness you may have in your life.
Come join our Patreon community!
https://patreon.com/fightlikeamotherpodcast?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=creatorshare_creator&utm_content=join_link -
This episode highlights our "why" for creating the Fight like a Mother mental health conference on September 16, 2023. All 3 of us in the last decade have desperately needed more resources and a supportive community surrounding mental health and raising our kids. You'll hear each of us sharing personal experiences about how community and support and knowing about resources has been essential in our ability to grow and thrive and understand how to move forward.
This conference will provide support, understanding, resources, community and HOPE! We will have classes for parents raising kids with mental health challenges as well as general mental health classes for anyone to attend. Please join us! We will have a beautiful interactive experience to celebrate ourselves and our loved ones.
For all the info about our conference, follow the instagram account here:
Fight like a Mother conference Instagram
Ember Instagram account:
https://instagram.com/iamemberpilati?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
Aymee Instagram account:
https://instagram.com/selfhealingmamma?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
Cheryl Instagram account:
https://instagram.com/cherylcardall?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
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What do you want Cheryl? It's a question I was asked by a therapist that shifted my perspective significantly! Many times we don't give ourselves permission to go for what we want or even allow ourselves to think about what we want.
In the episode I share a recent experience of being brave and asking for what I wanted and it was a life changing experience and I plan to focus on living life how I want and choosing my actions and perspective even in the mundane tasks of life.
So go have a listen and think about what you want?
Also if you are in Utah, or want to travel to Utah in September...save the date of September 16th. We are planning an event where there will be community, resources and fun for the mental health community! More details to come soon!
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In this episode I chat with licensed marriage and family therapist David Kozlowski. We discuss personality disorders and specifically borderline personality disorder which David said is the most complicated one and believes it should be renames to Emotionally extreme personality disorder or something similar. Borderline is too tame a label for it.
https://davidkozlowski.com
Light the Fight podcast
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I was fortunate to be a guest on The Better Behavior podcast with Dr. Nicole Beurkens. Dr. Beurkens is a champion of parents and families living with mental illness. She is an amazing advocate and support to these families. I was honored to be asked to be a guest because I have long admired her work. If you are a parent raising a kiddo with extra challenges, this episode is for you.In this episode, we are talk about an issue that isn’t covered or supported nearly enough: the current systems which are failing parents who are raising kids with mental health challenges and the immense struggle parents often face when trying to get them the help they need. This can create a lot of pain and difficulties in the lives of parents (and children), to the point where the disorders and challenges can take over the family. Unfortunately, there is a lot of social stigma around this topic and especially with the mental health piece, not just for children, but for the parents of these children.
https://www.drbeurkens.com
https://www.instagram.com/drnicolebeurkens/?hl=en
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In this episode I chat with therapist Brenna Brooks about the concept of a window of tolerance. The window of tolerance is when our nervous system is functioning well. We can handle stress and big emotions. Our pre frontal cortex is fully engaged so we can make good decisions, have good judgement and not be controlled by our stress or trauma.
When we shift out of the window of tolerance we go to either hyper arousal or hypo arousal. Our nervous system is sensing threat so it goes into fight or flight mode to protect us. We have zero control when something is going to send us to hyper/hypo arousal, it is simply a survival mechanism of our amygdala in our brain that is trying to protect us. Often for people who have been through trauma their brain sees everything as a threat so their window of tolerance is small.
Some characteristics of hyper arousal are:
Anger, melt downs, running away, irritability, difficult sleeping, panic attacks, self destructive behaviors
Characteristics of hypo arousal are:
Numbing out, sleeping a lot, depression, flat feelings, feeling trapped, helplessness.
When we can start to be aware of our own window of tolerance and notice when we shift out of it, we can notice our emotions, behaviors and feelings within our body. Our nervous system is how we shift out of our personal window of tolerance, but the good news is, it is also how to get back there! The good news is that through learning about and utilizing tools, going to therapy and being aware of our body and nervous system, we can expand the capacity of our window of tolerance.
Grounding ourselves is an important skill to learn.Grounding is a self-soothing skill to use when you are having a bad day or dealing with a lot of stress, overwhelming feelings, and/or intense anxiety. It means going back to our body.
Here are some tools to use to use when you are in hyper arousal:
Wave or box breathing (listen to hear more about what that is) Imagining a safe calming place to go like the beach, a favorite spot in your home, nature etc and closing your eyes and putting yourself there Putting lotion on the top of your hand, noticing it there, rubbing it in novel and new ways. utilizing your 5 senses, notice what you smell, hear, see and touchTools for hypo arousal:
Novel, child like movement. Put on your favorite dancing song from childhood or teenage years and get up and dance. Stretching Yoga Using pressure points put your hands in ice cold water go for a walkThe key is to create safety in our body, within ourselves so our nervous system knows we are safe. The body keeps the score of trauma and stress AND it is also the solution to healing.
Resources to learn more:
https://www.stephenporges.com
The body keeps the score book
Window of Tolerance graphic
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Courtney Brown is a brilliant CEO of the clothing company Cents of Style. She is a mom of 3 kiddos and is married to John Brown. She is also one of the most generous, kind, light filled people I've ever known.
Courtney chooses an intention the beginning of every year and this year she chose the word Ease. She sees it as an experiment, to learn more about the process of finding the ease and joy and miracles in the midst of our challenges. She said when she chose this word she immediately became uncomfortable which to her meant it was right.
She was raised in a family and religious culture where the family motto was "Work hard, play hard." It has to be hard to have meaning, having ease means you're doing it wrong.
We can find a lot of identity in the hard, in our struggles. We lean into it and it can become more difficult. Those challenges are what we experience, they aren't who we are. We can acknowledge the struggle, but give it a "container" to remain in so it doesn't become our whole identity.
Courtney wanted to explore what life might look like if she looked for the ease, if she didn't push so hard. It's become a practice for her to see the miracles, find the joy and ease in life. We must look for the evidence of the good and be intentional about it.
Courtney coaches and mentors people in having a vision led life and living life according to our values. She works with business owners and anyone else who wants to find more purpose and joy.
Courtney's instagram
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My guest this episode is my best friend of over 50 years, Lisa Paulsen. Our friendship has ebbed and flowed over all of that time, but we have always known we will be there through thick and thin. We are more sisters than friends and have had so many big life experiences and we have gotten through them together. Lisa has had big struggles in her life including a progressive neuromuscular disease and living life in a wheelchair and losing her husband Leif 18 years ago leaving her to raise 3 young children alone.
We are huge Whitney Houston fans and attended a concert together 30 years ago. We knew we had to go to the new Whitney movie "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" together. We have a lot to say about the movie that we chat about here. We talk about the expectations put on Whitney that she never could live up to, we talk about how drugs and alcohol were her coping mechanisms because of never feeling like she could truly be herself. We share our favorite songs of hers (although its like choosing a favorite child, its impossible to choose one favorite!). Maybe you don't dissect movies like we do, but there is so much to learn and understand from this movie that totally applies to our own parenting. Whitney's life was tragic and so difficult to understand. Lisa and I both have grown in compassion for her as we have learned more of her story.
I do want to say that we are two white women with privilege who are chatting about Whitney Houston's experience. We are not claiming to understand her experience as a woman of color nor do we try to explain anything away. Much of Whitney's experiences are due to white men controlling and manipulating her into what they wanted her to be. She was a once in a lifetime talent and her voice and exuberance for life are what make us huge fans of hers.
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Life gets to be both...
Struggle and success
Overcoming and feeling the pain
Joy and challenges.
If we can embrace the AND in life yes we will have the struggle but we will also open ourselves up to beauty and memories. When we feel the whole range of the human experience it enhances the joy and tempers the struggle.
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Happy 2023! This time of year so many are talking about resolutions and goals and words or themes for the year. It often feels like lots of pressure to join in to change yourself or make new habits, systems etc. Sometimes we cave to the pressure of social media and others because we feel the push to set those high goals and resolutions because of the expectation that we do so.
What I am going to talk about today is just that, expectations. What we think we should do, what others think we should do, what we think others should do. Those expectations can be challenging to meet and nearly impossible to make others meet our expectations.
For the past several years I have chosen a word or phrase for the year. It has helped me focus on things I want to work on. Last year my phrase was “Do the next right thing.” I think about what word or phrase I want starting in about October/Nov. I look for patterns, or lessons I’m obviously supposed to learn.
This years word stemmed from a therapy session I had back in October. Lots of challenging stuff was happening and I was extremely stressed out. My therapist said, “Cheryl I want you to practice detaching.” Umm what? Isn’t attachment important for loving relationships and good mental health? Yes, yes it is. Healthy attachment to people. She wanted me to detach from outcomes, from others moods or choices.
Hello, my name is Cheryl and I’m codependent. I fall into fix it mom mode really often. I am hypervigilant trying to prevent bad moods or anger or bad choices. I try to smooth things and do things for kids to not have conflict and make things easier. It really all boils down to wanting to control because I feel like I’ve lost control.
So my word for 2023 is Release. Release the control, release the expectations, release of the outcomes. Release of others opinions, release of others judgements. Release of expectations others have put on me.
This is NOT easy in any sense of the word. Letting go is possibly the hardest thing I do as a mom. I mean think about it, from the time our kids are born, our purpose is to work ourselves out of a job as we teach and encourage our kids to be more independent. When they are babies and young kids, we have a lot of control over their actions, when they eat, go to bed, who they play with, what clothes they wear (unless you have a very headstrong child :).
As they get older we lose the control, we lose the ability to control who they interact with, their choices, attitudes, beliefs etc. It can be so hard to let go of that!
I think so many of us had an idea in our head about what our family would look like, what our kids might do, what they would believe, accomplishments they would have. If we just did all the right things and were a good enough mom, they would “turn out” good.
We put our expectations on our kids of what we thought, expected and wanted….and then life goes on and they get older and more independent and what happens? What happens when they reject our beliefs and values? What happens when they don’t do what we think they should do? Not only do they not live up to those expectations, but quite honestly what happens if they do the opposite of what you wanted for them? How do we handle that? What does that do to us and our relationships?
A quote I love, that is by Anne Lamott says this, “Expectations are resentments under construction.” When we put our expectations on others and put so much emotional work into them, we will be resentful when others don’t live up to them.
The attachment I had to my own expectations for my kids wasn’t just causing stress, but it puts strain on my relationships with them. When I release those expectations of what I think they should do or who I think they should be, it frees up more emotional space and allows me to focus on what is truly important, the relationship and connection. When I can really see them for who they are and allow them the freedom to explore it, even when I can see it may cause them pain, it may lead to hard consequences and may take them on a life path that may be rocky it allows me to not try to control the, but to walk alongside them and be a support.
I have been reading the book Co-dependence no more by Melody Beattie. In the book she says, “Detaching doesn’t mean we don’t care, it means we learn to love, care and be involved without going crazy.
Detaching means stepping back from obsessive worry, stepping back trying to control their beliefs, behaviors and moods. Stepping back from trying to rescue or jumping into fix. We allow them to be responsible for their own choices and we don’t interfere or protect them from natural consequences that might result. As we detach or release ourselves from the results of situations and expectations we can live in more peace.
Often I think our need to control or our stress about lost expectations comes from worry about what others might think. What will people think about us as parents? How will our kids choices reflect on us? Will others still like us? Will they like our child? What will they think about our child?
Attachment to the control, behaviors, choices, outcomes of others or their judgment or opinion of us is based in fear. When we can recognize that and release it we can be more open, we can work on not being controlled by fear or judgement or others opinions or the outcome of our child.
Sometimes I think the attitude out there is our kids are “products” or “results” of our parenting. If we do it “right” the “product” will turn out “right”. I think we are often taught that if we teach them right, if we share our values, if we love them enough and provide well then they will turn out.
Well our kids aren’t a product, and they aren’t a result. They aren’t a blank slate for us to write our story on, they aren’t something to control. They aren’t a trophy to hold up so others can admire our work. They are a complex human being who we want to support and teach and influence yes, but what if we really examined our expectations of who they are, of what they “should” become and instead focus on letting them unfold themselves to us.
And let me say, I am not saying you can’t have expectations of how you are treated, of kids helping out around the house, of them attending school and doing their best. Some kids can meet those expectations and are fine to do so and excel.
However what happens when they don’t, what will you do? I think it’s really important here to meet our kids where they are at, to know where they are at and drop our own agenda.
I’ll share a parenting fail here. One of my kids had gotten fantastic grades throughout middle school and the first year of high school. I had visions and expectations of full ride college scholarships and awards etc. However His junior and senior year were tough, his grades slipped pretty significantly, he was not doing well. I hounded him and checked his grades and assignments obsessively, I used his past good grades trying to “motivate him”. What it really did was cause him great shame. I missed the signs of depression and ADHD. He couldn’t do well because his mental health was sliding pretty drastically. It was almost too late when I recognized it and he barely graduated. My expectations made things much worse for him and for our relationship, he felt he couldn’t tell me what was going on because I wasn’t open to it. I was basically telling him to “buck up” and just do it because I JUST KNEW he could because of past performance. He was smart enough, just not motivated enough.
I wasn’t meeting him where he was at, he couldn’t meet my expectations because of health reasons. My expectations made things much worse for him and for our relationship, he felt he couldn’t tell me what was going on because I wasn’t open to it. I was basically telling him to “buck up” and just do it because I JUST KNEW he could because of past performance. He was smart enough, just not motivated enough. I wasn’t seeing beneath the surface of the behavior.
My expectations made things much worse for him and for our relationship, he felt he couldn’t tell me what was going on because I wasn’t open to it. I was basically telling him to “buck up” and just do it because I JUST KNEW he could because of past performance. He was smart enough, just not motivated enough.
Another example from my life. When my husband and I married we said, all of our sons would get their eagle scout and serve an LDS mission, our daughters would also get awards at church for goal setting and also serve missions. We would accomplish this (see it was based on US< OUR accomplishment) by being very diligent at scripture study, going to church, serving, teaching them our beliefs. We had 4 sons and 1 daughter and imagined our own little army of missionaries. Guess what? My oldest is an eagle scout and returned missionary. He may be the only one who is on that road. My second kiddo hated scouting and did not want to serve a mission and came out as non-binary last year. My third loved scouting but not the expectations with advancements and merit badges, didn’t think he could live up to them. He doesn’t attend church. My youngest two, I’m not sure what will happen with them as far as missions and their future. My expectations were based on what I thought a “good family” looked like. They were based on my parenting, if I just did all the right things, my kids would “turn out”. I saw it as a reward for my good actions and good parenting.I have since learned that my relationship is far more important than what they do. Their worth isn’t based on them getting the scouting award or going on a mission, or getting scholarships, or being a starter on the football team. Their worth is infinite and set in stone. Their worth doesn’t change and neither does mine when they choose differently than I had planned. Sometimes my push for them to meet my expectations pushes them completely the other way and causes defiance and rebellion.
This is all fine and good, but HOW, how do we do this?
I’m a work in progress on this for sure so I’m working through it. The 1st step for me was being really mindful and aware of my expectations. Examine those “shoulds” you’ve put in your child. Do I know my child well enough to know if they can meet this expectation? Is this reasonable? Is this my desire for them or is it their desire for themselves that I can support? Is my worry about them not meeting it based from fear or love? Is it based on worry about what the school, or church members or family members might think of me? Of my child? If that is the case, that is inner work we need to do on ourselves to heal those wounds of people pleasing. Is my trying to smooth things or being super fixer mom because of my own anxieties or fear (ummm YES 100% yes). Is my own worth tied into what my children do or how they behave?
Once we are aware of our expectations and why and where they come from, I encourage you to really dive into your relationship with your child. Start getting curious about their life, about the path they want to follow, about the choices they are making and why. Why is school hard for them? Why are they choosing the friends you don’t want them to be with?
Drop your agenda for them, allow them to be who they are. Open your heart and mind, work on your judgements toward them, their friends, their choices.
I have found when I really work on seeing them, on getting to know them, on getting curious and open instead of anxious and judgemental, it builds our connection rather than distances us from them. Is our pressure on them really making them better? Even if they are high achieving and doing all the “right things”, are they doing it because they want to and its their desire or are they doing it to please us and other people? Are they doing it because they are an anxious perfectionist and are so stressed they can’t be truly happy? Even kids who can meet our expectations may be doing so to earn our love, to earn their worth etc.
Sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through our expectations. Let go, release, focus on loving them. Focus on loving yourself and working through your own wounds to heal so you don’t project them onto your kids.
Next week I’ll share my other word for 2023, yes I have two this year!
Thanks for listening! I would love a good review if you feel so inclined and would love you to join my Instagram community under my name Cheryl Cardall.
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Emily Hamblin shares her own struggles throughout her life. She discovered she has ADHD when her own child was diagnosed which says explains a lot about her growing up years. She shares with us some of the struggles her son has had in school and at home with behaviors, paying attention and emotional regulation.
Before she realized her son was neurodivergent, she took his behaviors personally. She felt he was disrespecting her and was misbehaving to rebel or spite her. Finally when he was diagnosed and she researched his condition, she realized he couldn't help many of his behaviors and needed help and support, not yelling and punishment. Her son is "twice exceptional" which is children who are gifted and have exceptional abilities academically but also have some challenges such as autism, ADHD, Tourette syndrome etc.
Emily shares 3 things she learned in helping her with a goal to yell at her children less. She says she has decreased her yelling by 90%
1. Gaining a better understanding of her child, why they struggle. Looking at the root cause of the challenging behaviors and realizing they are a symptom of a deeper need or lack of skill.
2. Identifying why she would snap and yell. Knowing her own triggers. Maybe she was exhausted or hungry, or worried or frustrated. Maybe her child's behavior brought up something from her own childhood.
3. Figuring out other ways to meet her needs and her Childs.
You can learn more from Emily in these spots.
https://www.instagram.com/enlighteningmotherhood/
enlightening motherhood podcast
https://www.enlighteningmotherhood.com
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PODCAST #76:
Get comfortable with discomfort
Experiences recently of feeling uncomfortable.
Max, not my story to share, but feeling their pain and struggles. It is not the most comfortable to listen to someones raw pain. But it expanded my mind, my perspective and most of all my heart. I learned how to love better.
Suicide prevention month. September is often filled with social media posts about statistics and such surrounding suicide. That is great, but only if it brings awareness and inspires action. That is the easy work with suicide prevention. Suicide is not an easy topic to bring up, its dark and messy and complex. It feels scary to talk about. It feels scary to talk about with your kids. But doing the real work isn’t comfortable, because it’s not a comfortable topic especially for those who are suffering. it is sitting with people in their pain. It is allowing them to share their darkest thoughts with you. It is sitting in the discomfort and supporting someone in their lonliest places. Because I promise you that the discomfort you are feeling surrounding it, is nothing compared to the hell people are going through who are living with those dark thoughts and the pain that they would be better of not being on this earth.
I listened to a podcast yesterday by Glennon Doyle and her team with Dr. Becky Kennedy who I know as drbeckyatgoodinside on Instagram. It was mind blowing. I highly recommend listening (language warning). They talk about how as parents we don’t like to feel uncomfortable, our kids behaviors trigger us and we don’t like to feel that way.
Why do we not like feeling uncomfortable? I have found that many of us were raised not being allowed to express our sadness, anger, frustration. We were sent away to our room or punished or told that we just needed to smile and be happy. None of these things taught us that our emotions and discomfort is okay and its part of being human. So when our children express their own big emotions, it feels SUPER uncomfortable for us and sometimes we don’t know how to process it or support them. Society and church and family can really discourage us from showing our difficult emotions because it’s uncomfortable for them. Because if we had more faith or optimism or positive mental attitude, then we could just be happy!
Well the purpose of life isn’t just to be happy. The purpose of life is to feel the wide range of emotions. ONe of the most important things we can teach our kids is how to feel and process those uncomfortable feelings. I have asked many parents I have worked with what their job is as a parent and many have said it’s to make sure their kids have a happy life. Well guess what? That isn’t you job because you can’t control their emotions. We need to realize It is OKAY for them to be sad, disappointed, angry etc. If we don’t like seeing them that way, then we need to dig deep internally about why that is. I’m guessing its a childhood wound we can work on healing. We didn’t have people who validated us and saw us and could sit in our pain with us (which is indicative of their emotional wounds)
Dr. Becky talks about how to parent in connected, respectful ways AND how to hold boundaries. Our kids are going to feel disappointed, mad, frustrated with us A LOT. That’s okay, it’s okay for them to feel it. It’s okay for them to express it…even in uncomfortable ways like I HATE YOU, YOU’RE THE WORST PARENT EVER (5/5 of my kids have said those things to me). Instead of sending them away or punishing or screaming back at them. We can say something like, “It sounds like you are having a hard time and feeling some big emotions. Its okay to feel that way. I am here for you when you want to talk about it.” Staying calm (which isn’t comfortable or easy), validating them and supporting them in their struggle is so key.
Dr. Becky says the most important words a parent can say or convey are I BELIEVE YOU. Or I see you.
Another example for teenagers could be wanting to go to a party or out with friends you don’t feel comfortable with. 1. Validate…wow it sounds like you are excited about this party. I believe you taht all the cool kids will be there and that is sounds like fun. 2 AND (the power of and) I’m not comfortable with you going because I’ve heard about some of the things that happen at those parties and I don’t think its safe. 3. Partner with them (this may have to be later after they feel their feelings about telling them no.) What are some other options this weekend to hang out with your friends? I know you enjoy being with people and having fun on the weekends. i’m happy to have them over here and get pizza or take you bowling or something. Let me know.
I would say the most important skill we can learn as parents is EMPATHY, listening to our kids, believing them, recognizing they are struggling and digging deep and embracing them.
A few years ago I set a goal to read books that were written about people vastly different than I am. I read books of people from different races, countries and cultures, about addicts, people in different religions and sexual identities. It wasn’t always comfortable for me, but it was eye opening and heart expanding. Reading and especially really listening to people’s stories of struggle, of heartache, of pain, of self discovery, of addiction etc. isn’t always easy but the rewards are incredible. Books are great for this, as are podcasts, but the real reward comes from sitting face to face with someone and looking them in the eyes and saying I BELIEVE YOU, I SEE YOU. I am willing to sit in my discomfort to witness yours and ease your burdens.
I am so thankful for my journey of not only reading about people who are different from me, but really sitting and listening to them face to face. Sitting in their pain with them, allowing the discomfort to pass through me to get to the connection that comes when we are willing to open our hearts and minds. Vulnerability is key being vulnerable to pain and discomfort is such a mind and heart expanding experience.
You don’t have to look far for people who need someone to sit in their pain with them. They may be right in front of you, in your own home. They may be a next door neighbor or a long time friend or a church member or your mom or sister. It isn’t easy especially at first. YOu may want to solve their issue, you may want to give advice, you may want to tell them how to do their life differently. However that’s likely not what they need unless they ask you for it. Bite your tongue and listen, even if it’s hard to hear. Even if they are pushing against your core beliefs, even if they are making choices you don’t appreciate. Listen to your kids when the only way they can express their pain and struggles are to tell you they hate you. Recognize it’s not about you and when things are calm, find time to connect with them and talk about better ways to communicate. Let them know you can handle their pain
This is called true empathy and those empathy muscles can be strengthened by listening to others, not judging and being willing to be uncomfortable. Brene Brown the queen of empathy says this, “Empathy is communicating that incredibly healing message of “You’re not alone.”
I challenge you this week to just listen to someone. When your child is having a hard time, don’t preach, don’t try to be right, don’t dismiss them. EMPATHIZE. LISTEN. Help them know they aren’t alone.
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In this episode I have such a great chat with Monica Pack of the About Progress podcast about how to create flexible self supporting habits for overwhelmed moms.
Monica shares the 4 types of "habiteers" which are:
1. The martyr: they believe habits are balls and chains, they are ruled by "shoulds" and believe habits are all or nothing.
2. The Dropper: believes habits are full routines and they drop the full routine because they can't accomplish it
3. The Overacheiver: They shoot for the stars and try to create enormous habits they can't achieve so they believe they aren't capable of keeping habits.
4. The Dangler: Somehow they believe habits will just get inserted into their life if they just want them bad enough. So they are left dangling without having habits that stick.
Monica shares that she has read hundreds of books about habits and self improvement and the majority are written by men. She said women need more flexible, self supporting habits and need to remove the shame and find self compassion.
Monica's sticky habit method is to build supportive habits on a daily basis to take care of our needs and desires so we are better equipped women and mothers. She shares that flexible consistency is key. For example, if one of the habits you want to nurture is working out, an all or nothing approach is that you have to do it the same time every single day for an hour. A more consistently flexible approach would be to prioritize it, but maybe it's split up. You walk the kids to school for 15 minutes and then come home and do yoga later for 20 minutes. The workout still happened but it wasn't so rigid there wasn't wiggle room for being a mom, being interuppted, being up all night with a baby etc.
We are much more likely to create a habit that sticks when we are compassionate and flexible with ourselves.
Monica is teaching a FREE master class about Sticky habits and you can register here!
https://workinprogressacademy.mykajabi.com/women-habits-class
Monica's podcast
Monica's Instagram
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I love to share goodness. This podcast is just that. Tyler Bastian, the founder and principal of Roots charter school is a human being who is making a huge difference in this world. His school serves at risk students who may have failed in other schools, who may have been expelled or are court ordered to be there. This school is a working farm, they have 5 acres with animals, a garden, flowers etc. All the kids are active participants at the farm.
The philosophy at Roots is 2-4-3 which means We Love You. Tyler says it is plastered all over the school where you never turn a corner without seeing it. Their driving force and motivation in working with these kids is unconditional and powerful love. If a student has a behavioral issue, the first thing they ask them is "Do you know I love you?" If the students says no, they ask them which adult at the school they feel loves them, then they go get that person and that person talks through the issues with the student.
Tyler says everyone has a voice at their school. He says often we talk about empowering our kids but don't actually want to give them power. At Roots Tyler says the only difference between him and the students is that he has been on the earth longer than them. There aren't power plays at this school, they value each student as much as each teacher and show respect and love toward each person.
He says the behaviors of not going to school, defiance, failing grades are all symptoms of deeper issues and until we get to the root cause we won't actually help the kids.
You can't love them out of their struggles, but you can love them through it.
He suggests that parents slow down their reactions to their kids. Take a pause and soften your approach. Ask more questions, listen more than you talk. He says when your kids welcome you into their world, go along as a passenger and don't be a back seat driver. Let them guide their path and you go along as a guide and support.
If we aren't enjoying our kids, then WE need to change so we can enjoy them. Play is a powerful way to connect with our kids.
Separate their grades and behaviors from your relationship, divorce who they are and who you are from their behaviors and words. Love them through it.
Follow Tyler on instagram
https://www.rootshigh.org
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It is back to school time, it’s on all the commercials advertising shopping, it’s all over social media where you are being shown how to create cute lunches and the latest and greatest lunch boxes, moms are showing how to have a night time and morning routine. How to best support your kids so they excel academically, what classes to take to get into the best colleges, padding your college resume with extracurriculars… Well this isn’t that podcast….
Some of us aren’t worried about sandwiches in cute shapes, balanced lunches, perfect routines, academic excellence or our kids getting into college. For some of us just getting our kid to school sometime during the day is a huge accomplishment and to be quite honest some members of our community are just trying to keep their kids alive and nothing else matters. I have personally been there.
Quite honestly sending kids back to school adds a whole new layer of stress at my house. I don’t get excited for back to school. It means 1000 more things added to my already overflowing plate. When you have kids that struggle with school, it can add so much worry and fear to your already exploding brain.
So if you relate to my feelings and are worried about school and have kids that really struggle This podcast is for you
*your child is far more important than school grades, attendance or behaviors
*Focus on the present, not let yourself worry and fear for the future
*Try to be flexible, find other alternatives, listen to your kids ideas and partner with them to find something that works for them
*See your child for the beautiful human they are. Their worth is not tied into their schooling. Your worth as a parent isn't tied into their schooling Encourage them, guide them, have their back, support them.
*There are many paths to success, there are very successful people who didn't graduate from high school in a typical way. See beyond the small box of the typical way to success.
*Decide now how you will respond when things are difficult with school. Your relationship matters most and your child matters way more than their grades!
- Visa fler
