Avsnitt
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Maggie Smith is a poet & writer who found overnight fame when her poem, ‘Good Bones’, went viral on social media in 2016. Later on, her life was to take a further change when her husband of 19 years, and the father of her children, announced he wanted a divorce two years later. Her memoir, You Could Make This Place Beautiful, published in April 2023 – explores the connection between these two events, how become a hit writer led to the breakdown of her marriage – and what could be found in the disruption that followed it all. Throughout it all, Maggie’s love of creativity and solitude has been a constant – something she speaks to me about in this episode. We also talk about finding love in middle age, and the joy of a relationship that’s free from the pressure of milestones.
Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.
Takeaways
Alone time can be a positive and restorative experience, especially for creative individuals.Being in a relationship that is not working can be lonelier than being alone.Financial independence and self-sufficiency are important for personal empowerment.There is freedom in choosing a relationship without merging lives and milestones.Alone time is essential for creativity and self-reflection.Chapters
00:00
Introduction and Small Talk
03:33
Exploring the Meaning of Alone
04:27
Aloneness as a Positive and Restorative Experience
05:24
The Irony of Being an Introverted Writer
06:24
The Challenges of Being an Introverted Writer in the Public Eye
08:15
Navigating Life After Divorce
09:43
The Loneliness of Incompatible Partnership
10:41
Living Alone vs. Living Without a Partner
11:36
The Myth of Partnership Solving Loneliness
13:29
The Shift in Attitudes Towards Being Alone
14:52
The Impact of Age on Relationship Choices
16:13
The Pressure to Settle Down and Have Children
17:32
Financial Independence and Self-Sufficiency
18:45
The Liberation of Not Racing Through Relationship Milestones
19:58
The Freedom of Choosing a Relationship Without Merging Lives
21:20
Balancing Independence and Vulnerability
22:48
The Lack of Cultural Models for Non-Traditional Relationships
23:44
The Beauty of Constant Companionship
24:43
The Negative Side of Hyper-Independence
25:39
The Importance of Alone Time for Creativity
27:29
Learning to Accept Help and Support
28:54
Returning to a Special Place for Solitude
31:43
The Restorative Power of Writing Alone
33:09
The Impact of Professional Success on Relationships
35:31
The Evolution of Creativity After Having Children
39:21
The Joy of Having Unstructured Alone Time
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There are certain rites of passage that take place after a major break-up. For some, it’s a hair-cut or a big solo trip, or a regrettable rebound with someone the polar opposite of your ex. My guest this week, Alice Vincent, departed from the cliches: for her, it was growing plants. In her partly autobiographical books, Rootbound and more recently Why Women Grow, Alice chronicles how she came to growing plants as a way to heal and regain a sense of control after a break-up in her late twenties. As her life has changed – Alice is now married with her first child – gardening has remained a constant for her. In this episode, we discuss how Alice has navigated the changes of the past seven years, how gardening has allowed her to maintain a version of independence throughout it, and why she never feels lonely while out in the garden. Later, Alice also shares her tips for beginning your gardening journey by yourself, whether it’s just growing herbs on a windowsill, using a balcony space or joining a community garden.
Takeaways
Alone time can be a valuable and fulfilling experience, allowing for personal growth and self-reflection.Creating personal space, whether through gardening or other activities, can provide a sense of independence and freedom.Navigating relationships and sharing space with a partner requires constant communication and a willingness to compromise.Taking time alone, whether through solo trips or dedicated alone time at home, can be rejuvenating and empowering.00:00
Introduction
04:34
Transition to Writing
06:27
Exploring Alonement
07:43
Defining Alone
09:38
Aloneness in Different Life Stages
10:35
The Luxury of Alone Time
13:04
Navigating Alone Time
14:28
Themes in Rootbound and Why Women Grow
15:21
Finding Solace in Gardening
19:46
Creating Space for Oneself
20:46
Gardening as a Solitary Activity
24:41
The Meditative Nature of Gardening
27:03
Living with a Partner and Maintaining Independence
30:16
The Ambivalence of Sharing Space
34:32
Choosing Relationships on One's Own Terms
38:52
Creating Personal Space
43:37
Tips for Starting a Growing Journey
47:21
Taking Time Alone
50:07
Ultimate Alone Time
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Saknas det avsnitt?
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Leslie Stephens is the writer behind Morning Person, a top 10 Substack newsletter that chronicles her life in Portland, Oregon. In August last year, shortly after her 30th birthday, Leslie announced to her readers that she was separating from her husband. Over the past 18 months, she’s chronicled her journey of living by herself for the first time, including her recent solo house purchase – which we chat about in this episode. She also shares her advice – as a former food and lifestyle editor – of establishing a home by yourself, and – crucially – for yourself, rather than designing around the absence of someone else. Whether or not you’re already familiar with Leslie’s work, this conversation is full of gems for any kind of solo living – I hope you get as much from it as I did.
Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device. This season of Alonement was edited by Pineapple Audio Production.
Chapters
00:00
Introduction
01:00
Learning to Make a Home for One
02:25
Designing a Home as a Solo Liver
05:22
The Challenges and Mistakes of Designing Alone
06:47
Designing with a Partner vs Designing Alone
10:59
The Lack of Resources for Solo Living
11:55
Creating Content for Solo Living
13:17
Making Changes in a Solo Living Space
14:44
The Importance of Solitude in Designing a Home
19:44
The Lack of Resources for Designing a First Home Alone
21:08
Building a New Relationship with a Parent
22:32
Navigating the Grey Areas of Life
25:16
Coping with Weekends and Sundays Alone
27:07
Finding Joy in Cooking for One
32:29
Creating Recipes and Experimenting with Cooking Alone
38:11
The Inspiration Behind the Novel 'You're Safe Here'
46:26
Maintaining Solitude in a Relationship
47:45
The Ultimate Alonement: Movement and Stillness
10:00
The Importance of Self-Awareness
20:00
The Role of External Validation
30:00
Navigating Comparison and Social Media
40:00
The Impact of Internal Dialogue
48:40
Conclusion
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Getting engaged to your partner is typically a time for celebration. But for today’s guest Max Dickins, it was …. more complicated. As he prepared to propose to his girlfriend, Naomi, he had an uncomfortable revelation: he couldn’t think of anyone to ask to be his best man. This prompted a personal crisis for the writer and comedian – one which inspired him to address the dwindling friendship connections in his own life …… and to investigate the topic of male mental health and loneliness more. The result was his brilliant non-fiction book, Billy No Mates: How I Realised Men Have a Friendship Problem.
This is a wide-ranging discussion, which actually opens with a chat about the romance of solitude – sometimes Max has always valued, but once used as an excuse for why he sometimes had no one to see at weekends. We also cover gendered attitudes towards both solitude and loneliness, which was really interesting and definitely opened my eyes. I hope you enjoy listening.
Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.
Takeaways
Solitude and loneliness are not the same; solitude is a choice to spend time alone, while loneliness is a subjective feeling of unhappiness with social connections.Gender plays a significant role in the association of solitude and loneliness, with historical and cultural factors influencing the gendered distinctions.Toxic masculinity can contribute to extreme solitude and the need to outdo each other in terms of solitude, which can be pathological.The social biome is a balance of different types of relationships, including close friendships, casual connections, and moments of solitude.Weekend loneliness is a phenomenon that affects many individuals, particularly men, who may feel isolated and lacking social connections during weekends.Understanding and appreciating the value of solitude can lead to a healthier balance in relationships and personal well-being.Chapters
00:00 Introduction and Background
03:00 Gendered Perspectives on Solitude
06:00 Toxic Masculinity and Extreme Solitude
09:00 The Rationalisation of Solitude
10:00 Loneliness vs. Solitude
12:00 The Social Biome and Balance
15:00 The Friendship Problem for Men
20:00 Exploring Masculinity and Gender Conditioning
23:00 Gendered Behaviours and Barriers to Connection
29:00 Weekend Loneliness and its Impact
34:00 Reevaluating the Value of Solitude
38:00 Reflections on the Book and the Importance of Conversation
With a one-off payment of £5, you can listen to the Alonement podcast ad-free. https://plus.acast.com/s/alonement.
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My guest this week is Anita Bhagwandas, an award winning beauty director, and more recently the author of Ugly: Giving Us Back Our Beauty Standards, a book that examines the damaging impact of narrow beauty ideals and serves as a brilliant manifesto towards a more inclusive attitude. The book explores the importance of practising self care on your own terms, not what the beauty industry tells you - something Anita knows a lot about after 15 years in the industry. Anita also lives alone in London, like me, and we discuss the creative joys of cooking for one, getting to plan a week that perfectly balances quiet night doing laundry with going out to gigs with friends - something Anita loves – plus an honest discussion of why getting flaked on can affect you much harder when you’re single or live alone.
Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.
Takeaways
Alone time preferences can vary from person to person, and it is important to find a balance that works for you.Self-care is not about buying things or following trends; it is about understanding what truly nourishes and rejuvenates you.The commodification of self-care has led to a misconception that it requires expensive products or activities, when in reality, it can be as simple as taking a few minutes for yourself.It is important to advocate for yourself and communicate your needs to others, especially when it comes to making plans and canceling.Cooking for oneself can be an act of self-care, and it is important to challenge the notion that it is not worth it to cook for one person. Don't just follow beauty trends or societal expectations, choose makeup and beauty routines that bring you joy and creativity.Alone time can be an escape from beauty standards and an opportunity to embrace your natural self.Choose what beauty work brings you joy and let go of the tasks that feel tedious or unnecessary.Journaling and checking in with yourself can be a valuable practice for self-reflection and self-care.Chapters
00:00
Introduction and Speed Friending
02:14
Being Good at Time Alone
03:10
Introverts and Only Children
05:39
Alone Time During the Pandemic
08:05
Journalist Mode in Social Situations
11:12
Solo Hobbies
15:31
Changing Relationship with Alone Time
18:04
The Myth of Self-Care
27:57
Counteracting Myths Around Self-Care
32:30
Navigating External Reinforcement of Self-Care
35:08
Overcoming Only-Me-ism in Cooking
36:45
The Joy of Cooking and Makeup
38:20
The Danger of Makeup as a Tool to Hide
39:17
Rediscovering the Joy and Creativity of Makeup
40:30
The Solo Process of Makeup and Self-Criticism
41:35
Cooking for Yourself vs. Cooking for Others
43:58
Escaping Beauty Standards in Alone Time
44:49
Choosing What Beauty Work to Enjoy
47:25
Picking and Choosing What Makes You Feel Good
48:21
Alonement: Journalling and Checking In with Yourself
49:36
The Joy of Writing in a Nice Notebook
You can follow Anita Bhagwandas' Substack at anitabhagwandas.substack.com, and mine at francescaspecter.substack.com
With a one-off payment of £5, you can listen to the Alonement podcast ad-free. https://plus.acast.com/s/alonement.
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In this episode, Jessica Pan discusses her book 'Sorry I'm Late, I Didn't Want to Come' and her journey of embracing extroversion. As we discuss on the show, Jessica is almost the opposite to me – she’s an introvert who learnt to be more extraverted, whereas I started exploring Alonement as a means of dealing with my fear, as an extrovert, of being alone. She tells me about her journey to embrace solo travel, socialising with strangers and making new friends, all with the help of her 'extrovert mentors'. What this following episode touches on is the importance of balance and choice around how we spend our alone time, plus how learning to integrate more connection in your life can help you fall back in love with your solitude. We also touch on the loneliness of big cities, particularly London, and how Jessica has managed to curate her own tiny village within the UK capital. Jessica also talks about starting her Substack newsletter, It'll Be Fun, They Said, based on part-time job working in a local independent bookshop. Finally, she shares her favourite kinds of alone time, which involves reading by the ocean and journaling in a cafe.
Takeaways
Embracing alone time can be a luxurious and fulfilling experience when it is a choice.Working in a bookshop can be enchanting and provide opportunities for meaningful connections with customers.Journaling is a valuable tool for self-reflection and understanding one's thoughts and feelings.Solo travel can be challenging but can also provide opportunities for personal growth and self-discovery.Having extrovert mentors can provide guidance and support in navigating social situations.Chapters
00:00
Introduction and Background
02:21
Different Journeys, Same Goal
03:42
The Fluidity of Introversion and Extroversion
04:10
The Pleasure of Working in a Bookshop
05:31
Starting the Substack Newsletter
06:30
Choosing Pleasure and Storytelling
08:25
The Enchantment of Working in a Bookshop
09:50
The Joy of Working in a Bookshop
10:46
The Aspirational Lifestyle of Working in a Bookshop
11:02
Balancing Work and Alone Time
12:57
The Privilege and Prison of Being Alone
13:57
Choosing to Be Alone
14:25
The Nuance of Enjoying Alone Time
15:24
The Universal Loneliness Problem
16:48
The Counterintuitive Decision to Be an Extrovert
17:18
The Loneliness of Metropolitan Life
19:10
The Surprise Solo Travel Experience
23:12
The Challenges of Solo Travel
25:08
The Benefit of Extrovert Mentors
32:50
Favorite Extrovert Adventures
36:36
Gaining Compassion for Introverted Parts
40:05
Tips for Spending Time Alone
45:27
Appreciating Introverted Parts of Yourself
46:26
Creating a Village in the City
49:21
Curating a Community
51:17
Creating Connections
52:15
Favourite Alone Time
Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.
You can follow Jessica Pan's Substack at jesspan.substack.com, and my own at francescaspecter.substack.com
With a one-off payment of £5, you can listen to the Alonement podcast ad-free. https://plus.acast.com/s/alonement.
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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My guest on this week’s episode is Poppy Jay, best known as the co-host of Brown Girls Do It Too, which won Podcast of the Year at the British Podcast Awards 2020. She’s also a BAFTA-nominated documentary maker, devoted to chronicling difficult, real-life stories for BBC Three and Channel 4. But she’s also been honest about her own: after entering an arranged marriage at the age of 19, Poppy got divorced at 25 – and has spent the past decade exploring her identity. In a Times interview earlier this year, she said – ’I’m 37 and and my whole life has been riddled with shame. Now I try to live by confronting it and owning it.’ And that’s exactly what she does in this episode – we talk about everything from the self-knowledge that comes from being alone, doing nothing, to why Poppy’s trying to be more honest for her need to be by herself after casual sex – and the unexpected beauty of a mutual, respectful break-up in your 30s.
Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.
With a one-off payment of £5, you can listen to the Alonement podcast ad-free. https://plus.acast.com/s/alonement.
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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'That's the root of perfectionism: that chronic deficit thinking, the belief that we're not good enough. That we're not attractive enough, smart enough, fit enough, whatever it might be. In order to compensate for those feelings, we project on to the world a perfect persona that we feel like everybody wants to see – that we should be, essentially. And it's exhausting if you have to keep that up in every single interaction.'
Welcome back to another season of Alonement. My first guest on this season is Dr Thomas Curran, a world leading expert on perfectionism and the author of The Perfection Trap: The Power Of Good Enough In A World That Always Wants More. Endorsed by the likes of Adam Grant and, more recently, Gwyneth Paltrow, The Perfection Trap is the culmination of years of academic research, interwoven with other expert voices, and as well as being rooted in academia it’s also chatty, engaging and honest, which was not something I expected from an academic text. In this conversation, we chat about the relationship between alone time and perfectionism. This includes how solitude can sometimes be used as a space to recover from perfectionism, for practising a hobby that you’re not, technically, very good at – purely for the joy of it. But also the danger of bringing your own perfectionist tendencies along, like trying to get a PB every time you go for a solo run. We also touch on the potential loneliness of relocating you have to do as an academic professor – or any lifestyle, like digital nomadism, that involves rootlessness and moving around a lot. Finally, we discuss how time outside – specifically cycling in nature – is Thom’s favourite kind of alonement, and how sometimes finding joy in solitude can come to our rescue in our lowest moments.
Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device (you can also use the code ALONEMENT at checkout).
With a one-off payment of £5, you can listen to the Alonement podcast ad-free. https://plus.acast.com/s/alonement.
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You can’t really love anyone until you love yourself. While we see this a lot on Instagram, it’s something that actually requires a lot of exploration – and it’s my guest this week, the bestselling author and mind coach Vex King, that many of us have turned to over the past few years to teach us the true power of self-love, through his books, first in 2018’s Good Vibes, Good Life and later in 2021’s Healing is the New High. Now, Vex is back with his new title – Closer To Love – an essential guide to bringing those lessons into dating and romantic relationships. In this episode, he shares a little sample platter of that wisdom. We discuss everything from how Vex’s difficult upbringing made him the person he is today - how he’s navigated what he calls the verb, or action, that is love, in his own relationship with his wife. Finally, a fresh approach to self-love: how to demonstrate it to yourself through actions, and how to self-love if you’re looking for a relationship but haven’t found one yet.
We discuss, among other things:
Vex’s understanding of love as something that exists ‘within you’ [5:31]How self-love can help us identify healthy relationship dynamics [7:58]‘Healing’ in a relationship versus outside of a relationship [15:25]The distinction between ‘mature’ and ‘immature’ love [25:32]How to show yourself love through your actions [30:30]Vex’s journey towards self-acceptance after being bullied for his voice [40:23]Why daily meditation is Vex’s alonement [48:02]Cultural references from our conversation:
The concept of immature versus mature love, originating in Eric Fromm’s book The Art of Loving‘Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving’, a quote from bell hooks’ All About Love‘You can’t heal what you don’t reveal’, from the song ‘Kill Jay-Z’ by Jay-ZYou can purchase all of Vex King’s books from Vexking.com
Subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow my personal writing plus podcast bonus content.
You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon, Waterstones and Bookshop.org.
Thank you so much to WestLab for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, excludes subscriptions,T&Cs apply. Code expires 31st August 2023.
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My guest this week is Women Without Kids author, Ruby Warrington. We're are at a fascinating time in history – where, both in the UK, US, and across almost every developed nation like Switzerland, Italy, Japan and South Korea, adults are having children later in life – or, indeed, not at all. While statistics vary, it is a recognised trend – and that trend is relevant to all of us whether we have children now or in the future, or don’t. Author Ruby Warrington, for this week’s episode, has tackled that subject in her latest book, Women Without Kids – a timely non-fiction investigation into what it means to be, as it says on the tin, a woman without children today, with the help of expert insights from philosophers, anthropologists, social scientists and other writers. This is naturally a topic that lends itself an alonement slant, too – we all know that parenthood isn’t exactly famed for its abundant alone time, but what about a life, and heterosexual relationship, that takes place without it? Ruby, who is now in her mid-forties and has been with her husband Simon for over 20 years, shares the answers to that question, and many more – offering so many insightful perspectives into being childfree by choice.
We discuss, among other things:
Why alone, for Ruby, means ‘sovereignty’ [3:57]The value of having strong connections in your life as insurance against loneliness [8:30]The link between Ruby’s introversion and her choice to be childfree [11:54]Why alone time is important in Ruby’s marriage [15:04]How Ruby envied her father’s lifestyle growing up [21:39]Ruby’s experience of abortion [29:32]When Ruby questioned whether she did want kids [35:09]Chosen families and ‘other mothers’ [39:18]What Ruby gained through the process of writing her latest bookRuby’s favourite kind of alone time [47:47]You can purchase Women Without Kids from all good bookshops, and online.
Subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow my personal writing plus podcast bonus content.
You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon, Waterstones and Bookshop.org.
Thank you to WestLab for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Their bestselling Dead Sea bath salt range is a skin hero, containing a unique blend of magnesium, calcium and potassium, which is brilliant for protecting and repairing your skin barrier and managing conditions like eczema, psoriasis, acne and sensitive skin. Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, excludes subscriptions,T&Cs apply. Code expires 31st August 2023.
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Donna Lancaster is a coach and therapist, best known as the co-creator of The Bridge, a retreat designed to help attendees navigate grief and loss, and the author of a book of the same name. More recently, Donna has published a pocket book called Wise Words for Women, full of advice on how to live a rewarding, connected life. I know we hear a lot of these buzzwords like authenticity and pain, but equally I think what a lot of us are searching for day to day is that person who emanates gentle, universal wisdom, that comforting phrase that catches you at the right time. Donna refers to herself as a ‘trainee elder’, and to those she touches with her work, that’s what she is. This is a conversation about how to find wonder and creativity in alone time; how to connect with nature; and just generally how to find a bit more joy in our lives.
We discuss, among other things:
Why Donna feels most authentic when she is alone [3:53]Donna’s struggle with loneliness growing up [6:31]How Donna’s relationship with nature makes her feel more connected to the world [12:!6]Are you a mountain person, a sea person or a forest person? Donna believes we all have a ‘natural leaning’ [19:08]How to have a ‘Date with Wonder’ [24:40]Why wealth can make you feel lonelier, according to Donna [28:39]Is loneliness something we should accept in our lives? [39:30]Donna’s love of colouring books as an alone time activity [45:19]You can purchase Donna’s latest book, Wise Words for Women, now online and in bookstores.
Subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow my personal writing plus podcast bonus content.
You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon, Waterstones and Bookshop.org.
Thank you so much to WestLab for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Their bestselling Dead Sea bath salt range is a skin hero, containing a unique blend of magnesium, calcium and potassium, which is brilliant for protecting and repairing your skin barrier and managing conditions like eczema, psoriasis, acne and sensitive skin. Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, excludes subscriptions,T&Cs apply. Code expires 31st August 2023.
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This week’s guest is author Naoise Dolan. I am absolutely thrilled to have Naoise on this season – she’s widely consider of the millennial generation’s most talented writers, ever since her Sunday Times bestseller debut novel Exciting Times was published in 2020. It’s currently being adapted into an Amazon Studios TV production starring Phoebe Dynevor. We’re here to discuss her hotly anticipated follow up book, The Happy Couple, which is a sort of anti-rom counting down to the wedding of a boy and girl who probably shouldn’t get married. During this recording, we chat about Naoise’s experiences of being an expat in Berlin – where she’s lived less than a year. Fans of Naoise, who is originally from Dublin, will know that she is no stranger to the experience of living abroad – her first book, Exciting Times, was heavily inspired by her own expat experience living in Hong Kong, while she’s also lived in Singapore and Italy. From an alone time perspective, this is an interesting position to be in – and Naoise describes how this sense of being a foreigner has enabled some of the incredibly perceptive social observation in her writing. We also discuss Naoise’s autism diagnosis, and how it might or might not reflect itself in her writing – plus, whether framing writing as ‘neurodivergent’ is useful in the first place. I found Naoise incredibly thoughtful and intelligent – she has a dark sense of humour, which I really appreciate, and she has one of the best laughs I’ve ever heard on this podcast. I hope you enjoy this conversation as much as I did.
We discuss, among other things:
Naoise’s decision to relocate to Berlin [4:56]Navigating cultural differences as an autistic person [9:01]Why Naoise structured her book around a wedding narrative [19:25]Main character syndrome, in relation to Naoise’s protagonist Celine [24:08]Naoise’s characters’ self-sabotaging tendencies (in The Happy Couple & Exciting Times) [30:26]How Naoise’s neurodiverse perspective influences her writing [34:23]Naoise’s love of drawing in her alone time [38:30]You can purchase Naoise’s book, The Happy Couple, now online and in bookstores.
Subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow my personal writing plus podcast bonus content. My book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, based on this very podcast, now from Amazon, Waterstones and Bookshop.org.
Thank you so much to WestLab for sponsoring this season. Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, expires 31st August 2023.
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My guest for this week’s episode is podcaster and author Caggie Dunlop, whom you might also recognise as a former cast member on the rather well known reality show called Made in Chelsea. Caggie has since reached a whole different audience. Her show Saturn Returns – which explores the coming of age happens somewhere around your late twenties and early thirties – has united a community as they navigate the shared challenges and opportunities that come with this age. I discovered the show last year – unsurprisingly, just as I was coming into this life stage – and was lucky enough to be Caggie’s guest on an episode released this May. Afterwards, Caggie generously agreed to come on and talk all things alone time with me – together with discussing her debut book, a memoir meets guidebook co-written with astrology expert Noura Bourni. In this episode, we talk about everything from the loneliness that Caggie faced when she pursed her singing career in LA, to, on the more positive side, how to navigate the vulnerable early stages of a blossoming relationship in a healthy way. I also ask Caggie how solo holidays work out when you’re a recognisable former reality TV star.
We discuss, among other things:
Why Caggie describes herself as ‘a bit of a recluse’ [4:45]Independence vs. codependency in a romantic relationship [7:25]Why alone time was a ‘sanctuary’ for Caggie, growing up [10:10]The definition of ‘Saturn Return’ [19:19]How Caggie’s own ‘Saturn Return’ let to a career pivot [25:31]The power of the ‘slow burn’ when entering a relationship [32:09]Navigating anxious attachment [35:52]Caggie’s recent solo mini break [39:40]You can purchase Caggie’s book, Saturn Returns, now – while her podcast of the same name is available to listen to wherever you get your podcast.
Subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow my personal writing plus podcast bonus content.
You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon, Waterstones and Bookshop.org.
Thank you so much to WestLab for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, excludes subscriptions,T&Cs apply. Code expires 31st August 2023.
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@ChezSpecter
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This week's guest is Adam Gopnik, a long-standing staff writer at the New Yorker, and the award-winning author of a frankly intimidating number of books, most recently The Real Work: On the Mystery of Mastery, which explores the process of learning a new skill. And then there was his recent Hollywood debut – those who’ve seen Oscar-winning film Tar might have also spotted Adam playing himself, as an interviewer, alongside Cate Blanchett in the film’s opening scene. Today, we’re talking about solitude – and how it’s played out in Adam’s writing career and life more broadly. As a true New Yorker, Adam tells me how his version of alone time manages to integrate a great deal of companionship too, from his love of working amid the hustle & bustle of others in his office days to the more collaborative strands of his career, including writing for musical theatre. Alone time, for Adam, is best spent pacing around a crowded city listening to what he still still refers to as a walkman – alone in a crowd. He also shares with me how his childhood, growing up as one of six in a crowded noisy house, has shaped his love of being around others in modern life. Finally, we discuss the beauty of solitude as depicted by the art of Edward Hopper – which Adam and I share a love for.
We discuss:
How Adam’s upbringing primed him to feel most comfortable around the noise of others [4:34]His love of walking alone around a city [7:08]Adam’s lifelong struggle with insomnia – and how he treats it [10:38]Writing routines, and approaching writing like a ‘physical challenge’ [16:30]Edward Hopper’s depiction of solitude [26:04]The art of ‘social solitude’ in New York [31:34]References from our conversation:
Adam Gopnik's 'walkman' playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1oe0WuKABmBtL576sGgW64?si=c45849d6d4a94cefThe Edward Hopper exhibition at The Whitney, New York‘What sin to me unknown dipp’d in ink’, from Alexander Pope’s Epistle to Dr ArbuthnotThe Monologue Art MuseumYou can purchase all of Adam Gopnik’s books, including The Real Work, at adamgopnik.com/books.
Subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow her personal writing plus podcast bonus content. You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, based on this podcast, from Amazon, Waterstones and Bookshop.org. Thank you so much to WestLab for sponsoring this season Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, excludes subscriptions, T&Cs apply. Code expires 31st August 2023.
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This week’s guest is Dr Nicole LePera, whom you might be more familiar with as the Holistic Psychologist – the handle of her somewhat insanely popular Instagram account. She’s also the author of multiple books, including her New York bestseller How To Do The Work, and her latest title, a workbook called How To Meet Your Self. With fans including Elizabeth Day, Dr Rangan Chatterjee and Mel Robbins, Nicole’s popularity is justified – with her succinct but hard-hitting social media posts bringing therapeutic insight out of the expensive and often inaccessible clinical space and in front of the 9 million people who follow her on social media.
We discuss, among other things:
The practical challenge of alone time when you’re in a throuple, or three-person relationship, as Nicole is [5:40]How Nicole developed a fearful relationship with being alone in childhood [8:10]How your body can go into a ‘threat state’ when you’re alone [10:45]Nicole’s experience of struggling with being physically alone in her early twenties [15:05]How to practically teach yourself to cope better with alone time through Nicole’s five-minute exercise[18:16]Can you learn to be alone through therapy? [20:51]How to avoid the addictive trap of ‘self-help’ [26:51]Why Nicole is passionate about mental health advice being widely accessible via social media [33:31]Practical advice for engaging with self-help content sensibly [37:08]Why Nicole’s favourite alone time involves nudity (not like that!] [41:18]You can find links to Dr Nicole Lepera’s latest workbook on howtomeetyourself.com. Subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow my personal writing plus podcast bonus content. You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon, Waterstones and Bookshop.org. Thank you so much to WestLab for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, excludes subscriptions,T&Cs apply. Code expires 31st August 2023.
Twitter:
@ChezSpecter @theholisticpsych
Instagram:
@ChezSpecter @the.holistic.psychologist
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This week's guest on the podcast is the poet Amy Key. We're here to discuss her first work of prose, Arrangements in Blue: Notes on Love and Making a Life, which is a memoir inspired by the work of Amy's beloved musical icon, Joni Mitchell. Aged 44. Amy has been single for 22 years. Her book challenges us to consider the claim that life can both be wonderful in the absence of romantic love – and that it is yet still valid to want it nevertheless. Described by The Guardian as a ‘cathartic meditation on singledom’, Arrangements in Blue is a book that reflects on the universal question of what makes a life rich and whole, in a way that resonates regardless of your relationship status. It is also a nuanced discussion of different kinds of alonement, from the luxury of living alone (it's worth mentioning. Amy speaks to me from her flat in London, where the walls are painted a gorgeous shade of pink, and there's a piano and her books in the backdrop) to the highs and lows of solo travel.
We discuss, among other things:
Why ‘alone’, for Amy, means ‘attunement’ [4:25]What was behind Amy’s decision to theme her book around Joni Mitchell’s ‘Blue’ album [8:15]The challenge of living life on a different timeline to your peers [13:34]What people in long-term relationships could learn from Amy’s account of long-term singledom [16:34]Do single people face discrimination? [23:55]The contagious joy of holidaying alone [26:59]Practising self-care and personal boundaries as a single person [34:08]Amy’s platonic relationship with her mentor, the late poet Roddy Lumsden [38:30]Why Amy's asking for more, not less, from her dating life [44:46]You can purchase Arrangements in Blue now at all good bookshops.
Subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow my personal writing plus podcast bonus content.
You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon, Waterstones and Bookshop.org.
Thank you so much to WestLab for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Their bestselling Dead Sea bath salt range is a skin hero, containing a unique blend of magnesium, calcium and potassium, which is brilliant for protecting and repairing your skin barrier and managing conditions like eczema, psoriasis, acne and sensitive skin. Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, excludes subscriptions,T&Cs apply. Code expires 31st August 2023.
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The Alonement podcast is back! And for the first episode of this season, I’m speaking to one of the most-requested guests since the show began: Susan Cain. Susan is the author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking, a book which spent eight years on the New York bestseller list after its publication in 2012. The book was inspired by her former career as a Wall Street lawyer, a profession where she came face-to-face with what she identified as a Western bias towards extroversion in the workplace. In Quiet, she celebrates the traits of introverted people, including their capacity for reflection and solitude. In April 2022, Susan published Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole, which is an exploration of how embracing life’s sadness, as well as its positive moments, can be the pathway to a greater appreciation of beauty and wonder.
We discuss, among other things:
How Susan navigates busy publicity cycles as an introvert [4:49]Free trait theory [10:03]The ‘Alone togetherness’ of spaces like Starbucks, co-working spaces & family homes [14:28]Why Susan Cain’s unpublished memoir was called ‘Freefall’ [23:21]Why the act of being creative is inherently bittersweet [25:05]The relationship between alone time, religion and spirituality [29:08]Susan’s critique of positive psychology [31:32]Why Susan is a ‘happy melancholic’ [33:15]A different look at romantic obsession – and how it can help us learn more about our deeper internal desires [34:16]Should introverts only date extroverts – and vice versa? [39:16]Cultural references from our conversation:
‘Only connect’, the epigraph to EM Forster’s Howard’s EndRyan Little’s ‘Free Trait Theory’The film Splendour in the GrassThe ‘Bittersweet’ playlist created to accompany Susan’s latest bookThe discipline of positive psychology, founded by Martin SeligmanThe Myers Briggs personality testYou can purchase all of Susan Cain’s books, including Quiet and Bittersweet, on susancain.net/books.
Subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow my personal writing plus podcast bonus content. You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon, Waterstones and Bookshop.org.
Thank you so much to WestLab for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Their bestselling Dead Sea bath salt range is a skin hero, containing a unique blend of magnesium, calcium and potassium, which is brilliant for protecting and repairing your skin barrier and managing conditions like eczema, psoriasis, acne and sensitive skin. Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, excludes subscriptions,T&Cs apply. Code expires 31st August 2023.
Social links: @ChezSpecter on Instagram & Twitter, while Susan is @susancain on Twitter and @susancainauthor on Instagram.
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Hello Alonement listeners! So, a quick announcement to share that I've just launched a new project called The Shoulds. The Shoulds is an online Substack publication and community space that explores the hidden rules and stories that shape our lives. In many ways, this newsletter will be just like this podcast covering a lots of similar topics around psychology, authentic living, and relationships. But also it will be a space for us to have two-way conversations and get to know each other a little bit better. I would love to see as many of you possible over there at Substack. To follow, just type francescaspecter.substack.com into your web browser and enter your email address to receive updates directly to your inbox.
You can also follow me on Twitter and on Instagram – @ChezSpecter.
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This clip is taken from my guest interview with former Blue Peter presenter Konnie Huq, first released in August 2020. Konnie speaks about the sustaining power of having 'anchors' – close friends and family whom you know are at the end of the phone – and how this prevents loneliness, even when you are alone.
Twitter: @ChezSpecter @Konnie_Huq
Instagram: @chezspecter
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Season 7 finale! How did that happen?! We are, however, going out with a bang... This week, I have the pleasure of chatting to friendship expert & psychologist Dr Marisa G. Franco, whose new book Platonic: How Understanding Your Attachment Style Can Help You Make and Keep Friends combines two of the most zeitgeist-y lifestyle topics of the moment: attachment theory and the value of friendship. After interviewing Marisa, I was actually invited to provide the cover endorsement (!) for the UK edition, which I couldn’t have been more honoured to do. Here’s what I said about it: ‘Relationships take work. We’ve always accepted that romantically – but, curiously, rarely do we apply the same adage to friendship. Marisa G. Franco’s Platonic is the book that changes that. It not only champions the essentiality of friendship for a happy life and gives a generous reflection of the author’s own experience, it also gives you the toolkit for deepening existing friendships and making new ones. This is all done through the fascinating lens of attachment theory, once again something you may have applied to your romantic relationships but likely never before to your friendships. This is a timely, unique guide to approaching friendship, often the profoundest source of connection in your life, with the love (and self-reflection) it deserves.’
In this episode, recorded just before the book release, we discuss:
What ‘attachment theory’ actually means, in – as Dr Marisa G Franco put it – ‘a rather big nutshell’How secure friendships underpin your ability to feel ‘safe’ when in your own companyThe value of showing vulnerability in your friendshipsThe challenges we face when making (and keeping) friends in adulthoodPractical advice to nurture healthy friendshipsYou can order Dr Marisa G. Franco’s book, Platonic: How Understanding Your Attachment Style Can Help You Make and Keep Friends, now on Bookshop.org
You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon, Waterstones and Bookshop.org.
Thank you so much to Flash Pack for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Flash Pack is a travel company that offers boutique group adventures for solo travellers in their 30s and 40s. Visit flashpack.com/alonement to learn more and quote ALONEMENT at check-out for £100 off your first trip.
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@DrMarisaGFranco
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@ChezSpecter
@drmarisagfranco
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Contact: [email protected]
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- Visa fler
